Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

In Other Words: “He’s Phoning It In… In Bed”

Here’s an interesting question from last week’s Dear Prudence column:

My boyfriend of one year and I are both recently graduated twentysomethings living at home like true millennials. While this has caused a few bumps in our love life, his mother is very open and liberal and she allows me to spend the night at their house with him. Usually his mother gives us plenty of space, except for insisting on making us coffee and breakfast some mornings. The other day as we were being intimate, his mother called him on his cellphone. She often calls even when she knows we’re in the house so as not to barge in. This time, he answered the phone and continued to have sex with me as he talked to her. I was livid and disturbed, not to mention feeling cheap in a very Oedipal way. We talked it over at length and he recognized that it was inappropriate and immature, and he apologized. But I can’t help feeling that this should send a self-respecting young woman packing and running. Am I overreacting?—Don’t Answer

You can read Prudie’s reply here. My response would be similar, but I’d also suggest that one or both of these twentysomethings find an apartment of their own. I mean, if privacy and personal boundaries are so important that you can’t even stand it when the person who owns the home you’re shagging in insists on making you coffee and breakfast in the morning — oh, the horror! — perhaps it’s time to figure out a new living arrangement. And if you simply can’t afford it? Stop looking a gift horse in the mouth and accept that there are certain sacrifices you make by living for free at your parents’ place, like being force-fed free breakfast and coffee in the mornings. And having your coitus interrupted by phone calls … unless, of course, you just turn the phone off.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

134 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Christy April 10, 2013, 9:06 am

    I hate (many) young people.

    I’m sorry your family can support you after college while you get your shit together. It must be a rough life. Have some freaking gratitude.

    As someone who lived at home during grad school, you bet your sweet ass I knew how good I had it. Mom wanted me to wake her up when I got home? No problem. Wanted me to kick in some rent? No problem.

    Sigh.

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    • avatar

      MissDre April 10, 2013, 9:09 am

      Seriously. I still live at home but I’m paying half the mortgage. It’s still cheap enough that I can continue saving up for a down payment on my own house.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary April 10, 2013, 9:11 am

      WCS. I would kill to be able to live at home and work and save money (but I wonder if these two even have jobs).

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray April 10, 2013, 10:04 am

      I lived at home during most of law school – best time of my life! My parents did my laundry, set home-cooked meals aside for me when I came home late, cooked meals for my friends, drove me to school if I was running late, and geez they may have made my bed.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray April 10, 2013, 10:08 am

        man, i had it so easy in life. my only job was to get good grades. what a spoiled life!

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    • avatar

      Amber April 10, 2013, 12:05 pm

      Her problem doesn’t really seem to be with the mother, but with the boyfriend answering the phone…

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary April 10, 2013, 9:10 am

    A self-respecting young woman who needs space should get her own damn apartment. It’s still “their house their rules”. It was only until this past year that I could have a boyfriend sleep in my room at my parents house (I’m 25), and that’s because we ran out of space with everyone at their house. But if they asked for one of us to sleep on the couch? No problem. So be thankful that his mom is so respectful of your sexual activity while others are home (which is kind of skeevy in my opinion anyways–can’t you wait until no one is there?).

    Plus, I’ve had boyfriends answer phone calls from deliver guys in the middle of things. Answering a phone call doesn’t need to be a big.damn.deal. You really want to break up over this? It’s such a small one-time thing. Get over it.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle April 10, 2013, 9:14 am

      Wait, do people really wait until nobody else is in the house (parents, not parents, whoever) to have sex? That seems inconvenient. As long as the door is closed & there’s no wild animal noises, I think it’s okay. But that’s me.

      As for this LW…yeah, I definitely agree she needs to get over it. While it’s pretty weird that he CONTINUED having sex with her as he was talking to his mom on the phone, the solution here is to just ask if he could pause the thrusting next time.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary April 10, 2013, 9:25 am

        I mean I don’t live with my parents, so we only ever visit them for a weekend. and it’s like we can wait until they are out of the house, or just not have sex that weekend. Like it’s for such a short period of time that we can deal with not having sex for 2 days. For me it’s also just a mood killer knowing my family is around. And we have all hardwood floors, so you can hear EVERYTHING in our house.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. April 10, 2013, 10:28 am

        I do. I would never have sex in the house while my roommates were home. I’d stay at the boyfriend’s. He lived alone. Now, I live alone.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 9:20 am

      Totally agree on it being kinda skeevy.

      I’m 31 and my mom still wouldn’t be happy if my boyfriend and I shared a room in her house (and we live together!).

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      • avatar

        MissDre April 10, 2013, 9:31 am

        I find that so weird and I don’t understand why parents would have a problem with it if you’re an adult. What’s wrong with sharing a room? In my case, I moved out for the first time when I was 19. I’ve lived in different cities, I’ve had a few different apartments and this is my third committed relationship. Now that I’m living back home, of course my boyfriend is allowed to stay in my room. I’m adult and I’m not a virgin. My mom knows that. Sex out of wedlock is not some taboo thing that parents have to prevent, nor do I see why it would ever be considered disrespectful to share a bed with your significant other. But, that’s just my opinion.

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      • katie

        katie April 10, 2013, 9:33 am

        its because we live in a very sex-negative culture and it is impossible for most parents to believe that their kids have sex. its easier for them to have their head in the sand then to actually grasp the concept. thats all it is.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 9:38 am

        I don’t think a lot of parents are pro-having or knowing their children are having sex. I think that’s totally understandable. I’m very glad my mom’s not all excited at the idea of me having sex. Lol.

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      • katie

        katie April 10, 2013, 9:42 am

        its not like anyone needs their parents to swing the other way and leave their old bedrooms with candles and lube samples… but to *still* bar live-in SOs from staying in the same rooms? that just speaks of head-in-the-sand insecurities about sex and/or marriage. its just that simple.

        i dont think any of the people on here who’s parents let their SOs stay in their rooms have deep discussions about sex. its just the fact that they dont pretend its not happening.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 9:44 am

        Idk, to me its just a kid respecting their parents and not a big deal at all. If some parents still believe that sex shouldn’t happen before marriage, then those are their beliefs and I’ll respect them if they are asking their beliefs to be respected in their home.
        I know I don’t want my kid (or any of my siblings, or anyone really) having sex in my house. Its MY house. That’s gross to me.

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      • katie

        katie April 10, 2013, 9:50 am

        but you are automatically assuming that two people sleeping in a bed together are going to have sex… which is a little, disrespectful, isnt it? and thats what the parents, then think too.

        like kerry said above, wouldnt you just hold off for the weekend? i dont think that many people look forward to having sex in their parents house, unless that is their only option, like this LW’s.

        im speaking specifically of parents who wont allow their adult children who have live in or serious SOs sleep in the same room.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 9:54 am

        Sure, I’d just hold off and certainly can manage sleeping next to my partner without having sex, but if my parents don’t want me sharing a bed in their house, then I’m not going to. I guess a kid could say exactly what you are saying (we can sleep without having sex) to their parents if it really bothered them. It just wouldn’t bother me enough to say anything.
        If its easy to just hold off having sex for the weekend, its just as easy to sleep separately for the weekend.

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      • katie

        katie April 10, 2013, 9:57 am

        well sure, i mean jake’s mom is all weird like this too, and we just sleep separately…. BUT that still doesnt change the fact that the parents subscribe to a sex negative culture and that they would rather keep their heads in the sand regarding their kids having sex.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 9:59 am

        I don’t think it goes hand in hand. I really think you can be sex positive and not want your kid having sex in your house.

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      • katie

        katie April 10, 2013, 10:08 am

        well, again, we arent talking about the ethics of having sex in your parents house, we are talking about two (assuming) independent, financially stable, bill-paying, job-keeping *adults* who live together and are in a long term relationship being reduced to horny teenagers who just cant help themselves when they step inside their parents house.

        whether or not anyone would want to make a big deal out of it, its insulting at the very least. and, it is living with your heads in the sand if these people share a bed and have for however many years. its a control thing that the parents can exercise to keep their insecurities away. thats all it is.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 10:12 am

        Eh, I don’t agree and wouldn’t be insulted by it. If I were in someone else’s home, I’d just respect their wishes and not think twice about it. If I felt I must share a bed, I’d find a bed in another home.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass April 10, 2013, 11:26 am

        Before I got married my parents asked that we slept in separate bedrooms when we visited. We complied because everyone deserves to have their views respected in their own home. It wasn’t that they thought that we would have sex or that we were horny teenagers, its that they believed that sharing a bed was reserved for married couples and since we weren’t married they didn’t want us to do things reserved for married couples in their home. In our home we were free to do as we wish.

        Someone could make the same argument about heroin. That its only wrong because society says so, blah blah blah. I still don’t want it in my house and they better damn well respect that or get out.

        It’s not a right or wrong thing, its a belief thing and everyone deserves to have their beliefs respected in their home.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 9:56 am

        Also, since the LW has no other options basically, I’d say just wait til no one is home. Just a personal preference though. I could never enjoy it if I knew parents were wandering around.

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      • avatar

        BreezyAM April 10, 2013, 1:21 pm

        I get what you mean. To me it’s our choice to decide if we share a bed, or have sex for that matter, and what skeeves me out is parents so involved in their child’s sex life they ban bed sharing of adults in committed relationships. That’s some WOW boundary crossing there to me.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl April 10, 2013, 2:01 pm

        You could flip it the other way- say the children choosing the share a bed in their parents house, when they know their parent is against it are crossing a boundary too and being disrespectful. To me, this arguement is like any other house rule. If you went to a house that it was a rule to take off your shoes or not smoke inside or not swear- you’d most likely follow right? Even if you don’t have that rule in your own house. Same thing to me with the bed sharing- their house, their rules.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl April 10, 2013, 10:14 am

        I completely disagree. Just because we live together but respect their rules when we’re at their house…it doesn’t mean they are insecure about sex or marriage. They have a slightly different set of values then we do, which include abstaining before marriage including sleeping in a bed together. We obviously don’t have those values as we live together. So when we go to their house out of respect we stay in different bedrooms. It’s not that they are insecure (I don’t even know what that means…) or anything- it’s just different values. Neither of which are “right” or “wrong”.

        And it’s not that they pretend we don’t live together or have sex. It’s just that out of respect we don’t shove it in their faces when we’re at their house. They respect our decision to live together by not causing a stink about it.

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      • avatar

        Sue Jones April 10, 2013, 10:29 am

        I was 33 when I met my husband, 34 when I brought him home for the holidays for us to meet each other’s parents (they conveniently lived about 1 hour away from each other!) At my parent’s home, because we were not married yet, they made a squawk about us sleeping together ( I was 34 and he was 37…) but eventually realized how silly they were being. I think my dad prevailed over my mom. Not an issue at all at my in-law’s house… You young people have no idea how great you have it! I never lived at home again except for short visits once I was 17 and off to college!

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      • avatar

        Christiane April 11, 2013, 12:09 am

        You never lived at home again once you were 17? Aren’t you the lucky one here 😀 ? I am pretty sure those young people back to their parent house would prefere to make enough at their jobs to rent an apartment…

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary April 10, 2013, 9:47 am

        My parents recognize that I have sex, but it’s not something they like to actively think of. So if my boyfriend staying in another room for 2 days made them more comfortable I would be fine with it. I mean is it really a big deal to have your SO sleep in another room for a short amount of time? Probably not. The principle may bother you but it’s just something I don’t get worked up over. My boyfriend’s parents don’t want us sleeping in the same room (they’re also more conservative than my parents) and I’m 100 percent ok with that.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle April 10, 2013, 9:43 am

        If it gives you hope Katie, I’ve been allowed to have boyfriends stay over since I was 16, haha. Out of respect (?) I never let any randos stay over (or if I did, I snuck them in/out), but my mom (even my dad) never seemed head-in-the-sandish about my sex life.

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      • katie

        katie April 10, 2013, 9:46 am

        yea, i have pretty much always had co-ed sleepovers.. sometimes it was big groups, like after homecoming and stuff, and then sometimes just my long term boyfriends.

        but, i will say that was with my mother. my dad currently calls jake my husband, because to him you marry anyone you have sex with… yea.

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      • avatar

        Desiree April 10, 2013, 9:46 am

        I know a lot of parents who technically don’t care what their kids do sexually but still won’t let them sleep together under their roof. I think for some it’s just kind of an “ick” factor. Sure they know their kids have sex, but they would prefer to not think about it. I don’t think that’s particularly odd. I think the “you’re unmarried so you can’t sleep together under my roof” is actually more of an excuse than a reason for some parents.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 9:49 am

        This is kinda what I was trying to say, but wasn’t getting across.

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      • avatar

        snarkymarc April 10, 2013, 12:45 pm

        The ick factor will definitely kick in for me if I have my daughter sexually thrown in my face. When I look at my daughter I don’t see her sexuality, I see her more as my little girlx even though she is 13 and has the body of a young women. If 10 years down the line she is sharing a bed with her boyfriend in my home it will make looking at her as my non-sexual little girl more difficult. I think it works both ways. I think most kids are grossed out at the thought of their parents doing it.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 12:49 pm

        I can’t believe no one has mentioned that yet. The thought of my parents doing it in my house makes me nauseous. I guess I’m sex negative. Lol.

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      • avatar

        BreezyAM April 10, 2013, 1:24 pm

        I guess I don’t get why either would be thinking about it. People share beds in a house and unless I hear moaning and bed squeaking I assume they are not having sex. It totally skeeves me anyone would think otherwise honestly.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 9:47 am

        I also think being more conservative isn’t necessarily a bad thing or the “wrong” way. You can not want your kid having sex under your roof and still be sex-positive in the way you have described it in the past (like talking about sex, not saying or thinking or implying its a bad thing). Do you think so?

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl April 10, 2013, 10:08 am

        I think you can be sex-positive and not “for” pre-marital sex or your kids having sex in your house. My fiance’s family is that way- very much against any pre-marital anything (sex, living together, etc) but have stated that sex is a really really important part of married life. One of their peices of advice when we told them we were moving in together was “Never have a tv in your bedroom because it’s for sleeping and one other activity only.”

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary April 10, 2013, 10:22 am

        I feel the same way about the tv! I have a smaller tv than my boyfriend, so he asked if we would have it in the bedroom. I said I would prefer not to as I would think it could impede upon sex life (watching tv before bed, falling asleep to tv, etc…). So we’ll have it in the 2nd bedroom and it’ll be our exercise video tv.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 10:25 am

        You totally have me thinking about removing the tv from my bedroom. I love watching tv in bed though!

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl April 10, 2013, 10:30 am

        I like watching tv in bed sometimes too, but we’ll just bring in the ipad or laptop and watch netflix. I seriously think it is the best peice of advice ever. I’m so firmly against tv in the bedroom.

        I’ve also seen how tv in the bedroom can cause problems. My parents have a tv in their bedroom and it drives my mom bonkers. My dad likes to sleep with it on and she hates it. But he won’t budge on it. If it was never there in the first place, they wouldn’t be in the predicament they are in now!

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary April 10, 2013, 10:34 am

        We do the ipad thing as well. Then I think you are watching something on purpose rather than by default. Whereas if you have a TV in the bedroom it could be on all the time (morning news, nightly news roundup/late night shows).And here’s our weird thing, if we are feeling really lazy/tired (i.e. hungover) we drag the mattress out into the living room for the day because it’s comfier than the couch.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl April 10, 2013, 10:38 am

        goodness kerry that is a lot of work! We just lay on the floor with blankets haha.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 9:37 am

        Its not weird to me only because its just how its always been. Like, its a little weird to me to hear some of you guys saying you were always allowed to.

        I don’t think that at this point in my life my mom would actually say anything about it, or stop me, but I still wouldn’t do it just out of respect. I mean, she knows I’m not a virgin obviously and has never said anything about me living with my boyfriend, but I’m sure she’d prefer all of us were married first. Old school I guess.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. April 10, 2013, 10:26 am

        It would be in my parents’ house. They are VERY conservative. Sex is a no-no under their roof.

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      • avatar

        Amber April 10, 2013, 12:07 pm

        weird, my parents are quite conservative about a lot of things, but sleeping in the same room as my SO has never been an issue when I visit.

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      • avatar

        Anna April 10, 2013, 10:31 am

        To some parents it is! I moved out of my parents’ house when I was 20 after meeting my ex at age 19. Throughout the course of our 9 year relationship, he never saw my childhood bedroom. He wasn’t allowed to go in there. Even after we were obviously living together and obviously having sex (but my parents chose not to acknowledge it or talk about it because in their happy little world I’m a virgin until I get pregnant.). When I was no longer living there, I went up there from time to time when we were visiting but they still blocked him and diverted him to the living room. It was kinda funny.

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    • avatar

      Christy April 10, 2013, 9:28 am

      I gotta say, I’m really fortunate in this regard. All three kids (19, 21, 24) are allowed to have s/o’s spend the night in the same bed. My brother’s gf (who was long-distance) stayed in his bed when he was like 17. The only rule we have is “don’t get (her) pregnant”.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl April 10, 2013, 9:29 am

        My family was pretty similar. After I graduated high school bf’s could spend the night but there was a VERY clear expectation that I didn’t get pregnant and that we couldn’t be heard.

        My fiance’s family on the other hand…we’re 6 weeks away from getting married and still can’t share a bed at his parents house.

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      • avatar

        MissDre April 10, 2013, 9:32 am

        That’s craziness.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay April 10, 2013, 11:14 am

        My friend’s mom tried to suggest that my friend and her husband keep sleeping in separate rooms at her house.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl April 10, 2013, 11:53 am

        Ha. No. I will not comply if they ask that. I might actually laugh at them! But I don’t think it will happen, there is a family vacation this summer with sibings etc and it’s already been stated we can get a beach house with one less room since we’ll be married by then. Haha. It will be incredibly awkward the first time we share a room at their house though, since for 5+ years we haven’t!

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  • Jess

    Jess April 10, 2013, 9:25 am

    ick.

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  • katie

    katie April 10, 2013, 9:25 am

    ha, this is funny. i also loved all the sexual language in prudie’s response… lol

    but yea, seriously, not a big deal. my one boyfriend and i used to have sex all the time with his parents in the house, and if you get interrupted, you get interrupted. it happens, its fine. he probably wanted to just take care of the distraction and get back into it!

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl April 10, 2013, 9:25 am

    Ugh. GROSS.

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  • avatar

    A La Mode April 10, 2013, 9:44 am

    I don’t know, one thing that my parents told me when I temporarily moved back in with them was that if I can’t afford my own place, I can’t afford the risks of having sex, and out of respect for their comfort levels I should not bring boys over for dates or otherwise. They thought they were finally Home Free once I left for college, and moving back in with them was not exactly what they wanted to happen, but they love me and thus helped me out. I can’t imagine trying to have my parents foot the bill for my boyfriend, too, or to actually be angry over any reasonable boundary of theirs.

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  • avatar

    EB April 10, 2013, 9:46 am

    Umm yeah besides the obvious issues, it makes me wonder how boring the sex is that he would even have the urge or clarity of mind to answer a phone?? I mean short of the building burning down, I can’t think of many things that would distract my partner from keeping his “eyes on the prize”…

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    • katie

      katie April 10, 2013, 9:47 am

      haha. best answer.

      LW, your problem is the sex isnt good enough.

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      • avatar

        EB April 10, 2013, 9:52 am

        Ehh, I once continued to have sex through a fire alarm so my judgment(or priorities in general) may be a little a skewed 😉

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  • avatar

    bethany April 10, 2013, 9:49 am

    In college, back in the days of “phone cards” instead of long distance charges one of my roommates dialed her phone card for another roommate while she was doing it on the couch. Ahh, the good old days…

    Anyway, back to the letter… I see this as a non-issue. It was a one time thing. Tell him it freaked you out and to not do it again. If you don’t want to be interrupted, don’t do it in their house or turn off you phone and lock the door. Simple as that.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray April 10, 2013, 9:56 am

    I think it’s a little weird/off that this LW is fixating on the fact that the call her boyfriend took was from his mother. I mean, why turn this into a “oh, gross, oedipus complex, and the mom insists on making us coffee and breakfast each morning, so something is off here!” issue, when it should be a “my boyfriend is so bored during sex with me that he takes phone calls” issue.

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    • katie

      katie April 10, 2013, 10:01 am

      i do wonder- would he have answered the phone regardless of who it was? did he check the caller ID before answering? also, was he continuing the actual act of sex, or was he just still… inside? because i dont think it counts if he just stayed inside while he answered.

      these are important questions.

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        Addie Pray April 10, 2013, 10:06 am

        wait, what’s “actual act of sex” v. being “inside”? aren’t they the same? shit, do I do sex wrong?? fml.

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        lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 10:06 am

        I was wondering that too! Was he still moving, or just still there. Still moving would gross me out too.

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        Addie Pray April 10, 2013, 10:08 am

        oh. moving.

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      • katie

        katie April 10, 2013, 10:10 am

        yea, i mean, the act of the thrusting while on the phone? weird. i would be like “oh geez just get out we can take a breather”.

        if he just stopped, but stayed inside, and answered the phone… well, im pretty sure thats happened to me before. not that weird, to me.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray April 10, 2013, 10:10 am

        also, do you think i’ll ever have sex again? what if i don’t? what if my life is nothing but work, yoga, tv, and eating vegan? what if?!

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      • avatar

        Sue Jones April 10, 2013, 10:30 am

        Not a bad life, AP! Just think of all the drama you will avoid!

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        Anna April 10, 2013, 10:34 am

        Yes, you will. For sure. All the yoga will make you irresistible to hot guys. 🙂

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        GatorGirl April 10, 2013, 10:17 am

        I would be totally grossed out either way. At least remove yourself before answering the phone!

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle April 10, 2013, 10:11 am

        Yeah, that’s what I was getting at above—was he still MOVING? because that’s weird. I picture that dream sequence in Office Space, where the boss is implied-having-sex-with Jennifer Aniston? (Someone know what I’m talking about, please. The “That would be greeeaaaat” ::thrust, thrust:::” like, balancing a coffee cup on her back, I believe? Only for this, the boyfriend would be on the phone like, “Oh, hiii mom.”)

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        lemongrass April 10, 2013, 11:37 am

        F, I love that movie! I bought my husband a shirt with a red stapler on it that says ‘mine’

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark April 10, 2013, 10:19 am

      Yeah. Gee, I wonder why he gets bored. Could it be somebody just lies there like a dead and cold fish?

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      • avatar

        ele4phant April 10, 2013, 10:57 am

        Yep, obviously if a couple is having boring sex the *only* reasonable explanation is its all the woman’s fault. It couldn’t possibly be that they, together, have found themselves in a rut, and it would be ludicrous to think the guy had anything to do with it.

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        Addie Pray April 10, 2013, 11:04 am

        point, ele4phant!

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        Addie Pray April 10, 2013, 11:05 am

        *but* LW isn’t the one answering phone calls during sex, so there’s no facts to suggest she’s bored, just her boyfriend. still, i like your point.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant April 10, 2013, 11:10 am

        And if a woman is laying their like a dead fish it’s HAS to be because she’s frigid and sexually incompetent, not because he’s been jackhammering away for the past 15 minutes without hanging tempo and she has zippo excitement. Women, we’re just terrible at the sex, imma right?

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      • avatar

        ktfran April 10, 2013, 1:45 pm

        So, I know this couple who fight over who gets to be on bottom. ON BOTTOM! I’m thinkng they have a super lazy sex life.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark April 10, 2013, 10:10 am

    I also read Prudie. This is truly one of the dumbest letters in a while… I mean, hey — if I was living at home, I would have answered the phone right quick myself just to make sure Mom DIDN’T come barging in. I am NOT sure I’d feel the need to tell my mom that we were fucking either.

    Talk about an entitled LW who makes drama out of nothing though. Good grief. Young women today, you sure don’t do your generation much of a favor with all these absurd letters. Yikes…

    PS — Neither my sister nor I would ever have so brazenly banged away at what is truly little more than a piece of ass in our parents house.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark April 10, 2013, 10:17 am

      PS #2: I did love, though, that this chick is so freaking dumb that when she tries to trot out a classic Greek myth to A) look smart, and B) make her boyfriend look like he is a total perve with mommy issues… she makes it’s quite clear that she has ZERO idea what said myth is actually about. Talk about feeble minded…

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle April 10, 2013, 10:23 am

        Yeah, I loved how Prudie corrected her immediately on that.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark April 10, 2013, 10:29 am

        Prudie is often surprisingly on point. Saddled with that not so catchy name, I always expected her to be a total prude… But no — she is (far more often than not) a good read. Dan Savage is a fan of her’s, and that’s a ringing endorsement if there ever was one…

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      • avatar

        Grilledcheesecalliope April 10, 2013, 11:20 am

        Has Dan savage gotten any less rude lately? Hopefully less racist, privileged and pit bull phobic (the pit bull hate being the most grievous offence).

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 11:42 am

        Pit bull phobic is the worst of those 3??

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      • avatar

        Grilledcheesecalliope April 10, 2013, 11:43 am

        Not really, I was kidding.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 11:45 am

        Oh I should’ve picked up on the kidding part.

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    • avatar

      BreezyAM April 10, 2013, 1:28 pm

      I figured that’s why he answered too.

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  • avatar

    cdobbs April 10, 2013, 10:10 am

    Who answers their phone during sex?…Regardless of whether or not its one of your parents….bleck…not cool….just slightly worse than those people who answer their phone while using the restroom (bleck! again).

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. April 10, 2013, 10:31 am

    I have to say that if you answer your phone while you’re having sex with me, you will not be having sex with me. It’s rude.

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  • FireStar

    Firestar April 10, 2013, 10:35 am

    I have a phone call during sex story. I was charging my phone on my bed when I had my guy friend over. This is before smart phones. One of us accidentally rolled on the phone and the phone autodialled my best friend unbeknownst to us. It went to voicemail…and recorded 5 minutes of audio. My friend called me back when she saw the missed call, my guy friend answered and handed it to me because he thinks he is funny. I tell her quickly, and a little out of breath, I’ll call her later and hang up. She checks her messages and comes to the conclusion that I’m being beaten – out of breath was really crying – so gets in her car and is half-way to my apartment before the truth dawns on her. It was the funniest conversation ever when I called her later that night and she told me what she was thinking. I had to promise her to never charge my phone on my bed again. The bottom line is that God smiled on me by dialling her number and not my parents’ or anyone else’s number…. and I have a great best friend who was ready to come save me from being beaten. Great…but a little slow… 😉

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  • avatar

    Anna April 10, 2013, 10:47 am

    Why is it “true millennial fashion” to live at home after college? I really don’t understand this. Are some millennials just not motivated enough to get out on their own or do what it takes to be independent? In many cases, I don’t buy that they can’t afford a place of their own. If my financial situation is so much better than many in my generation, that’s really scary. To date, I haven’t even managed to land a job that requires my bachelor’s degree but I’ve still managed to maintain my independence and save enough to move to a larger, more affluent city. I wonder if the thing keeping many millennials at home is a simple unwillingness to work jobs that suck and bank the majority of those paychecks instead of buying everything they want and going out whenever they feel like it. In some situations, I do get it. If you have a medical condition that requires a lot of expensive doctor visits, that’s understandable. If you live in LA and can’t get a studio apartment for less than $2000/mo or whatever, that’s also a good excuse.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 10:50 am

      I think its a combo of enjoying the easy life/thinking they can’t afford it even if they can/wanting to save. I’d say its definitely not a given that after college nowadays, kids move on their own.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray April 10, 2013, 10:52 am

      It’s a great way to save and get ahead. And if you have a good relationship with your parents and no one minds, it can be a win-win.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 10:53 am

        Not for me, but my SO’s sister and her husband just moved back in to save. The only thing they will share is the kitchen and have a whole floor to themselves. In a year, they will be able to save over $20K. Pretty amazing.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray April 10, 2013, 11:03 am

        It’s also good when your life is a bit in flux. Like if you don’t have a stable job yet. It’s easier to pick up and move if you get a job elsewhere when you’re living at home than in an apartment with a 12-month lease. All I’m saying is, I totally get it. And I miss it. 😉

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      • avatar

        Anna April 10, 2013, 12:02 pm

        I guess that’s my dysfunction. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have a good relationship with my parents. I can only handle short visits with them before they piss me off so much that I have to go back to my own place. So to me it’s worth going out less and not having as much nice stuff in order to have my own private home.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl April 10, 2013, 10:59 am

      I moved back home after college. Mostly because I could not get a job better than bartending no matter what I tried in the area I was living in. I moved home to the suburbs of philly and landed a job in 2 months. But even with a salaried job, I couldn’t afford to live on my own- rent for a 1 bedroom apartment was $700 to $800 a month, plus my $500 a month student loan payments. So that is $1200 between those two bills- leaving $500ish a month for everything else (food, electric, car payment, insurance). Never would have worked. So while I didn’t pay rent to my parents, I helped drive my siblings around, cleaned the house, cooked washed dishes, bought groceries, etc.

      I didn’t move out until I moved to FL and in with my fiance. I loved living at home and am really glad I did it.

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      • avatar

        Joey April 10, 2013, 11:15 am

        Yeah – “getting a job” isn’t always the hardest, but “getting a job that allows me to pay rent, and health insurance, and car payments, and student loans, and gas, and health insurance, and food” (oh, did I mention I have an Ivy League degree?) Is actually not super easy. I’ve been fortunate enough to cobble enough good work together to live outside of my parents’ home, but the vast majority of my classmates have spent time back home (or turned to grad school to avoid having to) because entry-level work these days pays around 25k with no benefits, no matter your degree. So, yeah, affording all the above is not exactly “easy,” and there are plenty of well-researched articles about the intern generation that’lll back me up on that one. Most people 24-35 these days cannot afford a house. To afford an apartment on minimum wage in my current city, I would need to work a 75 hour week before taxes (which most minimum wage jobs don’t offer, of course). That doesn’t include food/phone/car/insurance bills – just rent. I wouldn’t want to live on my parents’ charity after they’ve given me so much already, but I sure get why people have to.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary April 10, 2013, 11:11 am

      I think it was sort of silly phrasing on the part of the LW, BUT millennials are having a more difficult time financially than other generations. You take a whole generation who was told that they need to go to college and combine it with the most expensive college tuition in history. And then you add unemployment? A lot of people are going to be living at home. They have to pay off student loans.

      Most people I know who have done it do it to save money. You can put $1000/month (or more) in savings towards a downpayment on a house. Heck, you could conceivably put 3/4 of your salary in savings and use the rest for transportation and other spending. Or towards paying off student loans. I would do it if my parents lived in an area that had a lot of jobs. I do know some people who are doing it that aren’t saving their money and are just spending their paychecks willy nilly, but not a ton. And they are generally immature and unsuccessful overall so that’s their choice.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle April 10, 2013, 11:21 am

        Yeah, regardless of how wrong this LW was on everything else—I think her phrasing was sort of an ironic poke-fun (<—just turned "poking fun" into a noun, okay) at her generation. That's how I interpreted it, anyway.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle April 10, 2013, 11:15 am

      I still live at home! I mean, I lived away at college, but after that? Home.

      My reasons are due basically to what AP said—my life is WAY in flux, my parents are easy to get along with, & I’m trying to save money. Rent is ridiculously expensive where I live, & I’m not willing to do the random Craigslist roommates thing just to say I’m “independent”.

      My boyfriend also lives at home (at a more shameful age than I) & we plan to live together ASAP…but, again, the Life in Flux thing is getting in the way for both of us.

      I mean, don’t get me wrong—I feel pretty shitty and bum-ish for still living at my childhood house. And I do think it’s a problem how many young adults are content to stay in the nest. AND I think the “Saving money” argument is often bullshit, because when you live at home rent-free—hello, disposable income. At some point, you gotta get your shit together & GTFO.

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      • avatar

        MissDre April 10, 2013, 11:22 am

        Yeah, my boyfriend is 33 and he moved back home this year too because he decided to go back to school. His mom is also awesome like mine so both of us are happy living at home. But we ARE planning to buy a house next year. I told him I’ll save for the down payment if he saves for an engagement ring.

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      • FireStar

        Firestar April 10, 2013, 11:32 am

        Hey hon. Tell him save for both! You can always upgrade a ring at a later date but for big purchases like a house it’s always better to go in as even as you can. Unless you have a cohabitation agreement. But exciting things are moving along so well for you guys…

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      • avatar

        MissDre April 10, 2013, 1:14 pm

        Well, I make a lot more money than him. So I don’t mind forking over the down payment, especially since he does plan to pay half the mortgage for the next 25 years. But I did ask him if he’d be ok with having a prenup that states if we separate and sell the house I’d get half PLUS the value of my down payment and he said he’s totally cool with that. My mom is bugging me for things to be equal too, but the way I see it is, if everything works out I’m going to be spending the rest of my life with this person. A few thousand bucks more from me toward a house we both love isn’t going to throw off the balance of our relationship. Especially since I’m sure he’ll be stepping up to contribute more when I eventually go on maternity leave.

        How’s things with you? How many weeks are you now? Email me when you get a chance!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray April 10, 2013, 11:28 am

        I don’t think you should feel shitty at all. t’s something you’d do for your kid. So long as you’re being smart and saving that extra money you’d otherwise be spending on rent and utilities and whatnot. Having your own place does not automatically mean someone has their shit together. Living at home and blowing your disposable income just because it’s there? That’s irresponsible for sure. But people living in their own apartments do that too. “Oh lookie, I’m on my own, I qualify for tons of credit cards and can charge expensive things like TVs and computors because I’m an ‘adult’ and no one can tell me what to do”! <— dumb. It happens whether you live in your parents' basement or not. So, Fabelle, I give you my blessing to stay at home a bit longer to save. 🙂

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle April 10, 2013, 11:44 am

        Aw, thank you AP! I’m often down on myself a lot about it, like—bummed I haven’t achieved the Living On My Own milestone yet. So this makes me feel legitimately better, actually 🙂

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl April 10, 2013, 11:49 am

        Living on your own is over rated. Bills, having to grocery shop, being home alone at night and not having the comfort of another person when there is a weird noise. Stay at home until you’re ready to leave. It was one of the better decisions I’ve ever made.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray April 10, 2013, 12:48 pm

        you’re welcome. i know you had been waiting for my approval, haha.

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      • Copa

        Copa April 10, 2013, 1:15 pm

        I was at home until 26! Which is my current age. Haha. I moved back home right after turning 25, stayed for over a year, and only just recently left again. It wasn’t the greatest (nobody force fed me breakfast or made my morning coffee for me… *pout*) but it was a great move in terms of getting on my feet because I repaid a big chunk of my student loans and put some money in a savings account. I love living alone, but a short-term sacrifice (living in the nest) is worth it to not have to worry about making rent.

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    • avatar

      MissDre April 10, 2013, 11:16 am

      I live at home for multiple reasons. A) I’ve had multiple miserable room mate situations and refuse to ever live with a room mate again (and when I say miserable I mean like the person going out of town and leaving a shit swamp in the only bathroom) B) Living alone was very lonely and expensive I had absolutely no social life because I couldn’t afford to do anything C) I really like my mom so living at home is a great way for me to have a life, have money and save money and D) my mom also doesn’t like living at alone and needs the financial support I give her.

      I don’t plan on living here forever, but for now it’s awesome because I’m saving up to buy a house with my boyfriend next year and in the meantime, I get to have coffee with my mom every morning and I don’t have to clean toilets (still do my own laundry and dishes, tho).

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      • avatar

        Grilledcheesecalliope April 10, 2013, 11:36 am

        I wish I could live at home, finishing school would be so much easier (I refuse to take out student loans), but my mom and I can’t get along for more than a couple days. It’s great that you get along so well with your mom.

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    • Copa

      Copa April 10, 2013, 1:06 pm

      I think it has little to do with a lack of motivation. Most people my age (I’m 26) don’t live at home because they’re lazy or not hard workers, they do it because jobs (good jobs, and even bad ones) are still hard to get, and student loan repayments are a bitch. I was unemployed for awhile in 2011 and it’s not because I wasn’t willing to do work wherever I could — I was rejected from “menial” jobs for being overqualified (actually got asked during a phone screening why I’d applied), but unqualified for or competing against people with more experience for “real” jobs. So, I was at home for awhile (a year and a half-ish). In that time, I got a temp job. The temp job led to a full-time, entry-level job with a modest salary and good benefits. I do some freelance work on the side when time and opportunity allow. I knocked out something like $30K of student loan debt in a year (still have about $20K to go). The money that didn’t go toward loans, food (for the family — this was one of the things I did in lieu of rent), gas/car, phone, etc. went to savings until I decided it was time to get out. I never blew my money on stupid stuff. Most people I know who live(d) at home post-grad did not do so because they’re lazy or stupid or uneducated or because they’d rather buy designer purses than pay rent.

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    • avatar

      *HmC* April 10, 2013, 1:41 pm

      I’ve noticed that the whole looking down at living at home thing tends to be a class thing. Most people I know who come from pretty well-off families that they get along well with, it’s not looked down on at all to live at home as an adult. It’s actually seen as wasteful not to do so, and that is true in many parts of the world like Europe. Of course, these young adults are always highly educated, gainfully employed and in school, and are usually saving money for a house, not playing X box all day. So it makes no sense for them to spend money on rent when they could live with people who love them and welcome them. As long as no one is being taken advantage of or taken for granted, this is a win win for everyone involved so I see no problem with it. This ideal to become super independent at 18 is an extremely American, and fairly new, value. Note, being independent is not the same thing as being mature.

      As my Indian comedian friend posted on Facebook: “My white friends always want to know why my parents still pay for my cell phone. For the same reason that they didn’t make me get a job at 15 and I won’t put them in a home. Oh white people when will you get it?”

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  • avatar

    EricaSwagger April 10, 2013, 10:57 am

    OMFG.

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  • avatar

    Sasa April 10, 2013, 11:24 am

    Hmm. I wish the world were a more relaxed place. Everyone would have more fun. He answered the phone so the mother wouldn’t barge in, while keeping the action going. Good multitasking I’d say. Odd, yes, but kind of pragmatic as well.

    That said… I think calling someone in your own home when they are obviously behind closed doors with somebody else is annoying. And if you do that, you definitely shouldn’t barge in if they phone isn’t answered. That would solve all problems. So, my advice is: Make an agreement with the mother that she won’t come into the room if the phone is not answered. And set aside some time that you spend with her (having breakfast together etc.) so that she feels appreciated and doesn’t feel the need to disturb your privacy.

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    • avatar

      Sasa April 10, 2013, 11:24 am

      btw I’m European – maybe that’s why I’m not seeing the big deal here? 😉

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    • avatar

      ele4phant April 10, 2013, 11:59 am

      Eh, it’s one thing to stop and answer the phone to make sure his mother isn’t about to come home an barge in on them, another to answer the phone while contiuning.

      I would be supported of pausing things to make sure his mom wasn’t about to come in, but having a conversation while still inside (much less still thrusting) is too close to involving a third person in the sex. Which I am not into the idea of, and I also think its disrespectful to the third person. In a way, your kind of involving them in what you’re doing without their consent.

      And let’s say it wasn’t his mom, but the ups guy who might be trying to deliver a package? I’d feel the same. Stopping things for a bit to take a phone call I someone is expected, that’s okay. Taking a phone call while still being inside me? No no no no no.

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      • avatar

        Sasa April 10, 2013, 12:48 pm

        Yeah – personally I wouldn’t pick up the phone at all. I hate being interrupted during sex. I can definitely see the weirdness of picking up the phone, I just don’t think it’s that big of a deal. I’m picturing this as a really short phone call – like “hey mom I’m busy see you later bye”, that might factor into it.

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  • avatar

    Holly April 10, 2013, 11:29 am

    I’m confused as to why people are making a big deal out of the breakfast thing. I read it as the author being a little tongue-in-cheek, not outraged over it.

    As for the phone call, I also don’t understand why he would take it – not because it’s immature and whatever, but just because it would totally kill the mood. Who wants to have sex while they’re talking to … anyone besides who they’re having sex with?

    Also, I always found the whole “don’t sleep in a bed together because I don’t want you having sex under my roof” thing hilarious. I had that rule at my parents’ house.. and we had sex during the day instead, when there was no sleeping. We were just very quiet about it/had the TV on. The only thing that rule ever stopped was having us snuggle up and sleep comfortably together. Sleep.

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  • KKZ

    KKZ April 10, 2013, 11:37 am

    Not gonna lie – we’ve done this before, and laughed because it felt wicked and dirty. He’s taken phone calls from recruiters while I was going down on him (obviously doesn’t last long, the distraction is a boner-killer, but it was still funny-sexy at the time). But I can totally understand people finding it disturbing. It’s just funny to us because we’re weird.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 11:44 am

      Haha, after one of BGM’s rants a while back, I decided to spice things up a touch and try that. He didn’t like it at all, for all the reasons you mention.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray April 10, 2013, 12:54 pm

        yea, i can’t imagine BGM liking that from you.

        (i’m so funny.)

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 12:56 pm

        bahahahaha.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark April 10, 2013, 2:09 pm

        It’s not that her technique was horribly flawed — it wasn’t — it’s just that she, LBH, proved so resistant to pretty much each and every one of my ideas…

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2013, 2:13 pm

        🙂

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  • gatecrashergirl

    gatecrashergirl April 10, 2013, 11:42 am

    Maybe it’s just me, but I didn’t read the “insists on making us breakfast” as being a negative comment. I read it as more of a sometimes mom is sweet to make us breakfast. Perhaps I’m giving the LW the benefit of the doubt on that one.

    That said- Ewwww! Couldn’t he just pull out for two seconds to answer the phone? I’m sorry but there is nothing sexy about taking on the phone with your mom while you’re inside someone. YUCK!

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  • sobriquet

    sobriquet April 10, 2013, 12:08 pm

    I moved in with my mom for 6 or 7 months last year during a transition period. She had a habit of knocking on the door WHILE opening it, but the living situation was surprisingly smooth and easy. No, I didn’t have complete privacy, but that was a tiny price to pay to live rent free. (I moved out when I was 17 and lived on my own for 9 years before this living arrangement, by the way, so it had been awhile since I had lived with a parent!). To avoid any awkward barging in situations whenever my boyfriend (rarely) stayed over, we just waited to have sex right before going to bed when she was already asleep. Problem solved. You have to learn to adapt to your living situation.

    As far as answering the phone during sex… no, it’s not a break-up worthy offense, but I would not have continued having sex with him!

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  • mylaray

    mylaray April 10, 2013, 12:09 pm

    I didn’t really feel that the LW was complaining all that much about the living situations, but gosh I wish someone would make me breakfast once in awhile! As much as it sucks, I really think you have to live with other people’s rules when you’re in their house. I always take off my shoes when I’m at a friends’ place who requests I do that, even though I don’t do that at my own place always. I see it as following basic rules like that. And while I think it’s rude to answer the phone during sex, in the LW’s case I don’t see it as the worst thing since the mother could possibly barge in if he didn’t pick up. Also, I wish more people had their phone on silent during sex. The vibrating from a text message doesn’t bother me so much, but the constant vibrating from a ringing phone does bother me.

    My boyfriend lives at home by choice (he’s 28) and I think I’m lucky because his parents have never questioned anything and stay out of our way when I’m spending the night. But I would never expect that, and I would always make sure to respect someone else’s rules. Last week, my boyfriend and I were coming back from a movie to his house late at night and his dad was in the kitchen opening a bottle of flavored lube and said he bought another bottle, in case we wanted to try some. Awkward, but I found it funny! His parents are really conservative politically so I find it surprising they’re so open about sex.

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  • avatar

    Lindsay April 10, 2013, 1:22 pm

    I think that answering the phone during sex is a no-no, but maybe he was worried that if he didn’t answer, his mom would show up at his door? But surely his parents are aware that they have sex and she wouldn’t just barge in or something.

    Addendum: If he was going to answer, he should have paused the sex.

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  • avatar

    BreezyAM April 10, 2013, 1:33 pm

    I figured he stayed in so as not to lose the erection/momentum. Intending to get mom off phone ASAP.

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  • fast eddie

    fast eddie April 10, 2013, 3:31 pm

    The fact that your living in his mom’s house has nothing to do with him answering the phone while making whoopee. It was less then suave to keep going while chatting, but I must ask what would you have him do? If he ignored the call she might come to the door and (horror of horrors) opened it! Actually this story is more funny then anything else.

    You could record a voice mail for these occasions: Sorry but we’re screwing our brains out and can’t take your call right now.

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  • avatar

    tbrucemom April 10, 2013, 7:31 pm

    I used to let my then 19 year old son’s girlfriend stay with him in his room or our RV, I even bought him condoms (because he’d spend a fortune on a 3 pack at the convenience store and I could get an economy pack at Walmart for about the same price) and I wanted to be damn sure she didn’t get pregnant. I also was very fond of his GF and brokenhearted when they broke up. My point is there are parents that understand that their kids have sex. Next topic, yes I have sex with other people in the house (I just keep down the noise level and close the door). Last, if one of my kids calls when I’m having sex with my fiance, I answer the phone and we keep having sex (I want to make sure they’re OK). We keep the conversation short and if it was something important I’d stop.

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  • othy

    othy April 11, 2013, 1:02 pm

    I’m late to this party, because I was working hard the last couple of days. Anyway, this story reminded me of an event shortly after my husband and I were married. We were having sex and his sister called. He ignored the call. Then she called again. And again. And again. After the 5th call, we stopped because we figured someone had died and she really needed to get a hold of us. Turns out, she and her husband were playing Super Mario World 3 and really wanted to know how to beat a certain level.

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