This letter is from a recent Savage Love column and it reminded me of our conversation last week about open relationships. I’m curious what your thoughts are on this issue and what your advice would be to the LW.
Dan Savage advises telling before having sex, but waiting until the third date/hang out/whatever to mention your (open) relationship status. “Let them get to know you a bit,” he writes, “then spill — before fucking but after they’ve made a small emotional investment in you. They’ll be more likely to reconsider prejudices they may have against guys in open relationships after they’ve gotten to know a semi-straightforward one and perhaps be less quick to slam the door.”
Do you agree with that? I think three dates seems a bit late, and, considering how busy most of us are, that’s a lot of time commitment when someone’s open relationship status might be an instant deal-breaker for many. Waiting until there’s a “small emotional investment” is a little manipulative, which I get is the point, but it seems unfair. I’d be pissed if I made ANY emotional investment on someone who was in a relationship and didn’t think I deserved to know until after we’d gone out three times. I say spill the beans at the end of the first date. At that point, a person hasn’t made enough of an emotional (and time) investment to feel too terribly put out by such an admission even if it’s a total deal-breaker. (At worst, you’re out a few hours and maybe the cost of a meal and transportation). And if it isn’t a total deal-breaker, then a person has SOME idea if there’s a spark or chemistry and can decide whether a second date, to continue feeling things out, is in the cards.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.