Right when I was about to give up on him, he called me to hang out again. We went out with some mutual friends and halfway through the night we split off from them and spent the rest of the night alone together. I slept over again. Well, it’s been a week since then, and he hasn’t called me. We flirted at the bar the next couple days, and this past weekend I texted him to see if he was going out (hoping that would turn into us making plans that night together) and he basically told me he was staying in that night. I haven’t really talked to him since (for fear of hurting my pride. I don’t want to be “that girl” who’s following the guy aroud cuz she has feelings for him that he doesn’t return).
Now I don’t know what to do. I feel like it’s a “he’s just not that into you” situation, but I don’t want to believe it! I feel like we’ve had a really good time whenever we’ve hung out together. And the sex is great too. Should I just wait for him to ask me to hang out again and move on if he doesn’t, or should I try asking him out one more time? He is a little bit shy, and I am the one who initiated in the first place. I also recently came across his Match.com profile. He is apparently brand new on it and is online all the time. Is it possible he’s not asking me out again because he’s wrapped up in that? I remember how exciting Match.com was when I first signed on. I really want to go out with him again, but I don’t want to be delusional and cling to something that’s not really there if he’s not into it. What should I do?! — That Girl
Listen to me very carefully: Do NOT call this guy again. Do not ask him out. Do not hang around his bar, flirting with him hoping to boost his confidence enough that he’ll find the courage to ask you out. Do not stalk his Match.com profile. Do not stalk his Facebook page. And for the love of God, do not waste another minute of your life analyzing the situation, trying to figure out what’s going on in this guy’s head, and whether you did or didn’t say or do something that affected the way he feels about you.
Take it from me and from the countless women who have been where you are, some of whom I’m sure will echo my sentiments in the comments: This guy does not want to date you. Does that mean he isn’t into you? Not necessarily. I kinda wish everyone would stop using that phrase so liberally. A guy could be into you, but totally not interested in having a relationship with you. He may love having sex with you, but have no interest in being your boyfriend… or even having dinner with you. And if you are as into him as it sounds like you are, he can smell it on you and he knows that that whole, “Let’s hang out every few weeks and then have sex” scenario he’d most like to pursue isn’t going to satisfy you for long (in fact, it doesn’t satisfy you now).
The reason he isn’t asking you out isn’t because he’s shy or because he’s distracted with Match.com or because he’s busy at work or because you said the wrong thing or wore the wrong thing or ordered the wrong thing at his bar. He’s not asking you out because he doesn’t want to put any effort into dating you. Maybe if you end up in a group situation where you’re both drinking and it’s easy enough to get you back to his place for a convenient lay, he’ll be up for that. But actually calling you, making some plans, and taking you out? No. He’s not interested in putting that much work into it.
And do you want to spend time with someone who can’t even be bothered enough to put the most minimal amount of effort into dating you? Aren’t you looking for something more than that? If so, keep looking. Keep yourself available to those who find value in what you have to offer. Don’t get so wrapped up in some guy who’s shown he doesn’t appreciate you. What’s the point? It’s only going to make you feel like shit. Trust me, I’ve been there. So many of us have been there. Pining over some guy who isn’t interested in dating you is the worst. MOA. Aim higher and have more respect for yourself.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.