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“Is He Too Old For Me?”

New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. If you don’t find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), or submit a question for advice.

I am a 28-year-old woman who is dating a 50-year-old man. He is not a rich man (I’m only including that information because that is the stereotypical May-December romance situation). It is the easiest relationship I have ever been in. We don’t have petty arguments, and whenever a real problem crops up (there have been two), we discuss it like rational people and get past it together. This is a big departure from my past relationships where the main attractions for me tended to be adventure, talent, and substance abuse instead of common values and lifestyles — in other words, I liked to date musicians. My current boyfriend is the only boyfriend I’ve ever had who actually makes me feel like he is looking for a real partner, and respects me on all levels (values, interests, opinions, intelligence, humor).

We began seeing each other six months ago, so it is still a relatively young relationship. I’m not trying to take it for any more than it is at this time, but I also don’t want to get way overly emotionally invested in something that doesn’t have long-term potential, as has been my tendency to do in the past. However, Boyfriend and I see eye-to-eye in the way we behave towards each other and in terms of what type of future we might have together. We are taking it slowly. We live 1000 miles away from each of our families (mine being my parents, his being his children, who are 5 and 8 years younger than me) so we haven’t met each other’s families yet, but he seems to have no nervousness about introducing me to his kids. We have many mutual friends, and have met each others’ friends from other parts of the country with good results. He respects me and feels lucky to be with me, and I feel the same way.

I have two main hangups about our relationship, and I am seeking your (and your commenters’) advice as to whether I should actually consider these to be problematic given the circumstances in our relatively young relationship:

1) I want to have kids, but he has already had his family (my words, not his) and has been thinking about getting a vasectomy for the last couple years. When I told him that that would probably make me fall away from him slowly due to my desire to have a kid or two, he seemed touched that I would ever consider having kids with him, and very sincerely said that he loves children.

2) He is considerably older than I. While this is not currently a major issue for us, I have concerns in my mind about marrying someone who will probably die well before me, and who would not be as mobile as a younger man with young children.

What do I need to think about while moving forward with him? — May-December

Ah, the ol’ “I want kids, but he’s not so sure” question. I get a variation of this letter every month or so and keep answering it publicly so that all the women — or men — in your situation will recognize themselves and MOA if there isn’t an absolute agreement on kids. What does that mean for you? It means your boyfriend has to be 100%, absolutely committed to the idea of having children with you. No: “Eh, maybe I might consider it.” No: “Well, let’s keep dating a little longer and see how I feel about things in six months.” No. You’re 28 years old. If you truly want children, and you want to have them with a partner, then you are too old to be emotionally investing in anyone who isn’t completely open to the idea of having kids with you.

Let’s say your boyfriend, who is “touched” that you’d consider having kids with a man as old as he, asks you to wait six more months to see how serious the relationship is then. Maybe he’ll have a better sense in a few months whether he’s committed enough to you and a future together to take on parenting a baby again. Fine. But in six months you’re going to be 29 or close to it and what happens if he’s decided then that he needs more time? Or that, as much as he loves you, he simply doesn’t have room in his life and heart for a baby? Then you have to go through the emotional hell of leaving a man you love in every way so that you can fulfill your dream of becoming a mother.

Then, let’s say it takes you six months to a year to get over him. Maybe you never really get over him, I don’t know. Maybe he remains this figure in your mind forever, a symbol of a path not taken, and every time one of your future children acts out or pushes your buttons, or the father of said children does something to piss you off, you’ll think back to this life that could have been and this partner you could have had and you’ll feel a sense of loss and sadness. Wouldn’t that kind of suck? Especially when you were given fair warning — the man said he had been considering a vasectomy for years! — very early on that he didn’t want more kids and yet you stuck around and invested more of yourself into the relationship hoping he’d change his mind.

But let’s say you give it a few more months, break up, and you actually have no trouble getting over him. Great. But you’re still 29 or close to it at that point and time is beginning to feel a little tighter. You still need to find someone to fall in love with. That could take years! And then you have to get pregnant and have it stick. If you’re lucky, it happens right away, but the older you get, the harder it is to get pregnant and successfully carry a healthy baby to term. What if you break up with your boyfriend when you’re 29, take a year to get over him, and then don’t meet anyone you really click with until you’re, like, 32 or 33? And then you want to date him for a couple years before you have kids, so then you’re close to 35. And you know what happens when you get pregnant at 35? You’re considered “high risk,” as in high risk for having a baby with birth defects, because you’re an “older mom.”

If it sounds like I’m saying all this to scare it’s because I am. We women don’t really have the luxury of being all leisurely in our pursuits for partners and fathers of our future children — not past a certain age, we don’t, anyway. As teenagers? Sure, of course. Teens shouldn’t be looking for baby daddies anyway. I’d even say early-mid-twenty-somethings can take their time. But once you’re pushing 30 and are serious about wanting a kid, it’s just stupid and irresponsible to waste time dating men who don’t want children with you. It’s hard enough finding the right partner. Why steal time from your search by spending it on guys who can’t offer what you’re looking for?

As for your boyfriend being 22 years older than you, if he’s healthy and in good shape and takes care of himself, I wouldn’t worry that much about it. Some people live quality lives until their 70s and some even through their 90s, and in the next thirty or forty years, those who are living quality lives as nonagenarians will increase substantially. Who’s to say your current boyfriend won’t be one of them? And who’s to say that a man 15 years younger than he won’t get hit by a truck next week? We never know when our time is up or what might happen to us to make the time we have left here less enjoyable, productive, and healthy. Best to choose the people whom you spend your time with based on common interests, shared values, and how they make you feel rather than how long you think they’ll be around.

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dabbler dabbler April 16, 2012, 9:19 am

Personally, the age thing doesn’t bother me so much. Yeah, you’ll probably get comments and odd looks, occasionally get mistaken for his daughter, but who cares. The relationship is between you and him, and it doesn’t matter what random #37 walking down the street thinks anyway, if you’re both happy.
But the kids thing, that’s a real concern. I have a friend that is going through this right now. Similar situation, he’s a little older, has already had his kids and doesn’t want any more. She had thought earlier on in the relationship that she would be ok with never having kids of her own. She is now 29, and 5 years into the relationship has decided that that’s not a sacrifice she is willing to make in her own life. He is an amazing guy, they love each other deeply, and they are so well matched in every way but this one. But because of that one issue, they’re now staring down the barrel of a possible, and extremely painful breakup. It’s a horrible situation, and better to spare you both the pain if you know right now that your future goals don’t align.

avatar ReginaRey April 16, 2012, 9:40 am

I want to point out, additionally, that even if he DOES want children, you still have quite a lot of thinking to do. With children, necessarily follows a need for money. At 50, does your boyfriend have dreams of retiring any time in the next two and a half decades? I know my own dad, who was only 38 and 40, respectively, when I and then my brother was born, is REALLY ready to retire now. He’s 61, and my brother is still in college. Since my mom (she’s ten years younger) and him wanted to finance both of our undergraduate educations, he’s still working even when he REALLY, REALLY doesn’t want to be. Given that your boyfriend is much older than my dad was, is he willing to continue working for at least 18 years after you have a baby? If you didn’t have a child for another five years or so, that means he’d need to be comfortable working until he was 73. Does he feel ready and energetic enough to do that?

And what if you wanted more than one child? Would he be prepared to work until THAT child was at least 18? So into his mid (or even late) 70s? Of course, none of this is to say that he’s REQUIRED to work. But I don’t know your financial situation. Would it be possible for you to be the sole breadwinner while he stayed home with the kids? Or would both of you need to work?

And while it may be taboo, is he going to have the energy to be a parent to one (or more) children until he’s in his 70s? What kind of a life did he envision for himself at that age, and does having kids with you seem a better path than the life he envisioned? And health is, of course, always a concern. As Wendy said, people can die suddenly at any age, but the risk of dying of some health-related tragedy greatly increases with age, of course. What if you have a child with him when he’s 55, and at 70 he comes down with an illness that requires you to care for him? Are you ready and willing to become the person who primarily cares for a teenager and a senior citizen at the same time? How does HE feel about the possibility of something like that?

Listen, the common denominator is that you need to really, seriously TALK to him about all of these things. Having children in your 50s simply isn’t as easy as having them in your 20s or 30s, or even early 40s. It can be done, if both of you are really, really sure about it and are aware of and ready to face any difficulties that may arise. But you won’t know unless you sit down and talk to him about all of it.

avatar Flake April 16, 2012, 9:54 am

I like this. Very important points to consider.

avatar Nadine April 16, 2012, 9:56 am

The point about retiring is really important, and totally hadnt occurred to me. Good thinking.

avatar ReginaRey April 16, 2012, 10:00 am

I work in an investment firm where the issue of retirement is constantly stressed…it’s really made me more cognizant of how important it is to save for, and invest wisely for. So yeah, I guess I couldn’t help but see that as a major issue!

Brad Brad April 16, 2012, 10:05 am

Well especially since our generation doesn’t have much hope for being able to rely upon social security for when we’re at retirement age. I don’t want to go all negative on anyone, but sometimes I think that if things don’t start chaging back to they way it was 50 years ago, retirement for the middle class might just be a dream for the generations of the 21st century.

avatar AndreaMarie April 16, 2012, 1:16 pm

Exactly. And is he going to have enough saved to not only pay off child/children’s college as still have enough to maintain his retirement afterwards?

avatar lets_be_honest April 16, 2012, 1:36 pm

Do any “children” pay for college themselves anymore?! Seriously.

CatsMeow CatsMeow April 16, 2012, 2:07 pm

It seems to be a declining trend.

avatar lets_be_honest April 16, 2012, 2:12 pm

Its funny, below Tax Geek just commented that you must put your marriage before your children, and yet all I’m reading lately are things like this…parents struggling as they age because they are obligated to pay for their grown kid’s colleges. Its absurd to me.
A man who has provided for his children until they are 18 who cannot enjoy retirement because he’s still on the hook until they feel like finishing up college? I’m not bashing any parent who does this. If you have the means and choose to do that, thats a lucky kid and a loving parent. But, if the parent has to sacrafice their retirement because of it, then it doesn’t seem like a good idea to me.

avatar ReginaRey April 16, 2012, 2:41 pm

I think investment gurus always say, at least the ones I work with, that you should never pay for or save toward your child’s college BEFORE your own retirement. Retirement is always supposed to be the priority. I think a lot of parents today just don’t see retirement as quite as imminent as college, so they fund what seems more relevant right now.

SweetsAndBeats SweetsAndBeats April 16, 2012, 5:18 pm

That seems illogical to me, since investing in your kid’s college education instead of retirement is a 2-step investment, doubling risk… You’re banking on the fact that not only will your kid make enough money to support you in your old age, but also that they’ll be in a place in their lives, and have such a relationship with you, where they can and are willing to do so. That leaves way too large a space for things to go wrong.

CatsMeow CatsMeow April 16, 2012, 2:56 pm

When my parents got divorced, my dad was ordered to pay for half of college for both me and my brother. And he continued paying “child” support until we graduated. It seems to be becoming a societal expectation.

Brad Brad April 16, 2012, 8:52 pm

I’m sorry but I feel that’s wrong. The legal age of adulthood is 18 and at that point all legal obligations should cease. Now if he wants to continue to help then good for him, but he shouldn’t be forced to.

avatar Rachel April 16, 2012, 9:17 pm

It’s tricky though, because even though you are an adult at 18, when you fill out a FAFSA to get student loans and other financial aid, it is your parents’ income that you fill it out with. So if your parents are divorced, they should both be involved in that.

Ideally I agree with you though. I supported myself when I was in college.

MandaNoA Mandanoa April 17, 2012, 12:16 am

I have to agree with Rachel on this. When I applied to college I wasn’t eligible for any need based scholarships or aid from either the government or my college because of how much money my parents made. It didn’t matter that I was 18 when I started college and thus legally an adult. Luckily I received a lot of merit based scholarships and my parents helped me out but if they had chosen not to I would have walked away with a lot more debit thru no fault of my own. While I don’t think parents should be obligated to pay for their children’s college funds there are other things to consider.

theattack theattack April 16, 2012, 2:39 pm

I “pay” for it in that I’m racking up my own student loans. But my parents pay for my living expenses so I can get out faster, which means fewer loans. Among the college students in my major, I’m one of the lucky ones getting the most help from my parents. Most everyone else works two jobs to pay the rent, has loans, and they’re doing it completely on their own. Maybe it’s just the school I go to (very popular state school), but the people who are getting a lot of parental help are in the minority.

avatar Nadine April 16, 2012, 2:48 pm

I paid for mine! Or at least the loan is in my name. Its not paid off yet.

avatar lets_be_honest April 16, 2012, 5:13 pm

:) This made me laugh.

avatar Nadine April 17, 2012, 8:39 am

Also, university in NZ doesn’t seem to be as terrifyingly expensive as US college. I have a degree for around $12,000? So maybe I shouldn’t be as proud of myself…..

avatar ele4phant April 16, 2012, 3:00 pm

Well, many do work through college, get scholarships, and take out loans, but given the cost of tuition now its all but impossible to fully put yourself through school without incurring massive amounts of debt. For our parents, yeah, you could work full time each summer summer, have a part time job during the winter, and be able to finish without obtaining a mountain of debt. Not so much anymore.

Parents aren’t *required* to put their kids through school, or contribute anything, but if they have the foresight to start a college fund or help pay for school, it’s really helpful. Its a shame a lot of young adults start their professional lives already under tens of thousands of dollars of debt.

FireStar FireStar April 16, 2012, 5:01 pm

I paid for mine. My husband paid for his. There was never an expectation of anything else in wither home. If I have “extra” money I’ll help my kids but I better see some hustle in them first.

avatar lets_be_honest April 16, 2012, 5:06 pm

I think sharing the cost is the most I’d be willing to do. Handouts never work out well from what I’ve seen. That’s not to say everyone who has had college paid for doesn’t work hard for their grades, etc. but it just blows me away how many people say their parents have paid entirely for their college education. I’ve seen plenty of parents pay for college only to see the kid messing around at school, getting kicked out or getting crappy grades. I think they’d be way less likely to let grades slip if they were paying for it.

avatar ele4phant April 16, 2012, 5:19 pm

My parents paid for my undergraduate education (well, I did have some merit scholarships and I worked full time every summer). Or rather, an investment fund was established when I was born with the intent of it paying for my education 18 years later.

I agree that when kids goof off on their parents dime, its a problem. But I think that’s more symptomatic of the parents not holding their children accountable then it is the money. I knew if I goofed around, they’d pull the funding. Even if I was a grown-up and it wasn’t their roof I was living under anymore, they were still paying for a separate roof for me, so they got to set some ground rules. There were about six months I did work and take classes, and it was hard. If it was necessary I could have made it work, but I am so grateful my parents told me to stop and focus on school instead. It made my grades much better.

I am so grateful I was able to graduate with no debt when so many of my peers are buried, absolutely buried with it.

Now though, I’m in graduate school paying my own way (well, the government is and I’ll be paying them back over a loooooong time). If parents can ease the financial burden for their children, it really helps out. But the cash should come with some strings. Grades slip, the money stops flowing.

avatar lets_be_honest April 16, 2012, 5:22 pm

Yea, you bring up a really good set of points. I guess the key is the “strings” and actually following through with threats of pulling the funding if x y or z don’t happen.

avatar ele4phant April 16, 2012, 5:27 pm

Haha, yes. I was a pretty driven kid, but I knew my parents would have no compunction in cutting any of us off if we didn’t hold up our end of the bargain – in fact they did when my older brother started screwing off.

They paid my tuition online through an electronic student account, which *incidentally* also had access to my transcript, so there was no way bad grades could be hidden for long.

CatsMeow CatsMeow April 16, 2012, 8:26 pm

My parents paid for mine. I didn’t have to work and I graduated with a 3.9. I did one year for free at the community college, completed summer classes at the community college, and graduated a semester early.

SweetsAndBeats SweetsAndBeats April 16, 2012, 5:19 pm

I agree with you completely about the “better see some hustle first”. That’s a beautiful phrase and I’m going to store it in my memory bank for when my kids (hopefully I’ll have some) start asking for a free ride.

reginasfangirl reginasfangirl April 16, 2012, 11:17 pm

The fact that full time tuition at a 4 year university now costs (on average and adjusted for inflation) about 70% more per year than it did 20 years ago makes paying for it all by yourself without incurring crushing debt much more difficult.

avatar mrmandias April 18, 2012, 6:56 pm

One of the tough choices you have to make is that having children and marrying a good man you’re compatible with is worth sacrificing your dreams of paying for your kids education.

State schools and/or GI bill aren’t the ideal prestige Harvard Yale routes, but they’re adequate.

Which is assuming that our current horrifically expensive higher education model hasn’t imploded in 18 years anyway.

avatar Anna April 16, 2012, 3:19 pm

While I certainly appreciate the points you’ve brought up, I feel that my own childhood could help shed some light on that particular topic. My dad is 15 yrs older than my mom and I am one of 4 children. When I was born, my dad was already 45. However, he was always in terrific health and had no problem working 60+ hrs a week to support the family and helping to raise us. He was with his employer for 30 years and put away a lot of money in savings. During that time, he also paid off the house and all of the cars. So when he turned 55 and was eligible for retirement, he jumped on the opportunity. I was only 10 yrs old when my dad retired. Because of his financial preparations, he was able to continue supporting the entire family on his savings and pension. My mom hasn’t had a job outside the house since they got married in ’75. So it can work out if it’s done right. And of course, men can have children for a looooooooooong time past the age when women stop being fertile.

Leroy Leroy April 16, 2012, 7:08 pm

My father is considerably older than my mother as well, and they had me when he was about the same age as the LW’s boyfriend. The fact that he’d married later enabled him to develop his career, and acquire assets, such that concerns for healthcare, college, and retirement haven’t been a burden. This pattern isn’t uncommon among men that I know who’ve married later.

IMO the X factor w/ older men having kids, which they need to be honest with themselves about, is their health. My dad has never had significant health expenses, even well into his 80’s. But he’s not typical. Older men should really consider whether they’re going to be healthy enough to raise kids. It’s more than simply living a long while. They should be able to participate in their children’s lives. I know guys in their late 30’s and early 40’s who aren’t spry enough to deal with children. There’s no way that they’d be able to do so past 50. Though some older men obviously can.

Brad Brad April 16, 2012, 8:55 pm

Did you hear about that 93 year old billionaire who wants more children?

avatar lets_be_honest April 16, 2012, 9:42 am

Hits close to home.
One of my closest girlfriends was out with me Friday night discussing her relationship with her boyfriend of two years. She’s totally in love with him, he’s a great guy, she’s 30, he’s 37. She’s wanted kids her whole life but he doesn’t want any more (he has a 13 y/o from a previous relationship). Its so sad for me to hear her try and convince herself she would be ok with not having kids because she so clearly wants them.
LW, you have a much better chance of falling in love again then you do with having kids with someone who doesn’t really want them. I have to assume I’d always regret not having children, but not regret leaving someone who didn’t want them.

avatar a_different_Wendy April 16, 2012, 9:46 am

Wendy’s advice is spot on. That is one life goal/value that you absolutely have to share with someone you’re in a long term relationship with. I was in a situation like this with my fiance (except that he had not already had kids, he just didn’t want them). Fortunately, he did come around after not too long so I didn’t have to end things.

avatar kerrycontrary April 16, 2012, 9:47 am

One thing that I’ve noticed about people having kids when they are older, even at 35, is that relationships with grandparents are starting to change. I was very close with my grandparents who are still living, but my mom had me at 35 almost 36. I’m 24 now and probably won’t have kids until I’m 30. She will be well into her 60s when I have my first child, which means she will be less mobile. Not to mention she will be elderly by the time they graduate high school. I can already tell that my parents are starting to slow down at 60! There are a lot of things to consider when having children when you are older. If the LW has kids with someone when she is in the 30s, and he is in this 50s he won’t be able to help the child move into their dorm room at college, he won’t be around to see their child have children, or maybe even walk their daughter down the aisle. I’m not advocating people having children younger, but with people having children later the american family is changing.

avatar ReginaRey April 16, 2012, 9:59 am

I definitely agree. I think one of the biggest concerns, other than children maybe not getting to spend as much time with grandparents, is the difficult situation future generations might face during middle age. If their parents waited until their mid-30s to have children, and then are in their mid-60s or early 70s before their children have children, then their children may REALLY struggle to care for both elderly parents and young children at the same time.

My friend’s mom is actually going through this right now. She’s in her early 50s, but had a “surprise” baby at 41. Her mother is in her mid-70s, and her health is very, very poor. My friend’s mom goes to work, visits her mom in the nursing him a few times a week after work, and still has to come home and cook dinner and clean and help the 10-year-old with homework, etc. Juggling the HUGE responsibilities of being a working parent to a small child and, effectively, to an elderly adult, has taken an incredible emotional and physical toll on her. And sadly, I think this could become much more of a trend in the future.

rainbow rainbow April 16, 2012, 10:27 am

My family is like that too. My parents had me and my older sister before 30, and then my “surprise” little sister at 45. They’ve always been responsible parents so she’s got a nice life, but you can see their energy level is terribly low compared to the one my older sis and I saw growing up. It’s also much harder for them to understand her and her problems, because there are more generations in between, so it’s all really weird for them. (Like my problems were for my grandmother).

My three last grandparents got very sick and died slowly when she was 2, 7 and 12, and handling those situations while taking care of a young child was very stressful for my parents. Also, my mom used to let us play in the mud and turn the house upside down every day, but she snaps at my little sis when she tries to do the same.

I’m sure it can be done differently if you really want a child, but your SO having one more just so he doesn’t lose you when he used to believe he was done sounds a lot like having a surprise baby to me, and it’s not easy at all at his age.

avatar kerrycontrary April 16, 2012, 11:04 am

Yeh I was the surprise little sister, and I know my parents had so much more energy with my siblings (cause my mom had them at 26 and 28). There is also a huge generation gap between me and mom. Now that my sister is in her mid-thirties and married, her and my mom are really close where as I’m the odd one out because I’m in my twenties and having fun. It makes me want to have my kids close together and younger.

avatar Sue Jones April 16, 2012, 3:43 pm

My mom was almost 40 when she had me. I was the youngest. I was 41 when I finally felt my life was together enough, career on track and had my kid. My parents were in their 80’s by then and really could not help out with babysitting and the like… BUT they were so excited to have a grandchild that young and would fly us out, they bought all the baby stuff they needed – crib, highchair, diapers… (my brother also had a new baby at that time with his second wife) and my son’s memories of his grandparents (they are both gone now) are of being showered with attention and everything one could imagine that a baby would want to play with. It gave them pleasure to baby shop and “spoil” my son and my son loved it. They were gone by the time he was 6, but he remembers the love.

Kristina Kristina April 16, 2012, 10:20 am

This might sound horrible, but I strongly dislike my parents for having kids at their age. My dad was 40, my mom was 38. And they had been dating for over 7 years before they got married, so in my opinion, they were wasting time a bit since they both wanted kids. I never really had grandparents in my life, and I fear that if I have kids around 30 or so, that my parents won’t be healthy enough to be involved in my future children’s lives. 2 years ago, I was that person who never wanted kids or to even get married. But now, I’ve been thinking about definitely wanting kids before 30, but who knows if that will happen. By the time I have kids, I will probably have to take care of my parents, especially since I would be more willing than my brother. My dad is really active at 61 and in really good shape. But my mom is not and she never really was that active when my brother and I were younger. They’re paying for my expensive, private college and it’s not something they want to be doing at that age. They won’t ever be able to retire really, and after seeing what they have gone through from raising children at that age, it’s something I definitely don’t want to happen to me. I would rather not have children if it came down to it.

While I think it’s great that people can have children at later and later ages these days, I also don’t think it’s fair to the children to have parents or even one parents who is much older.

Kristina Kristina April 16, 2012, 10:29 am

Blah..are much older*

avatar Temperance April 16, 2012, 11:01 am

I don’t think grandparents are always that important. For example, I can’t stand Mr. Temperance’s father. My kids will not have any sort of relationship with him beyond seeing him once per year in a highly supervised setting. He will add nothing positive to their lives.

Brad Brad April 16, 2012, 11:17 am

I’m not close to any of my grandparents and I don’t feel like it really matters. It’s never really bothered me any.

avatar Amy P April 16, 2012, 12:51 pm

I had one kind of lousy grandpa (far away, fortunately), a decent grandma that I rarely saw, and two younger, energetic grandparents that I saw all the time since we lived in the same community. I’d come over to their house after school, they took us on trips, they did all the family birthday parties, we worked on their farm–it was fantastic. I also had a great-grandma that I worked for a lot during the summer (digging potatoes, feeding calves, slug removal, weeding strawberries, fixing lunch, etc.). If the geography had been reversed and we lived near the grumpy grandpa, it would have been a bummer, but if the geography and the interpersonal side work out, it’s very nice. My good grandparents are still living, and while they’ve slowed down, my relationship with them is very important to me.

I had my kids relatively early, so their grandparents are also youngish, but we live 2,000 miles away, so they see each other once or twice a year. One set of grandparents hasn’t really gotten the concept of grandparenting. They’re mildly interested, it’s just that they rarely exert themselves. I suppose that you need a fairly large collection of grandparents and great-grandparents to ensure that you have at least one who is super interested and excited about the role. Aunties and great-aunts are also important and should not be ignored–the ones whose kids still haven’t provided grandchildren are especially good prospects.

Kristina Kristina April 16, 2012, 11:20 am

I had 2 grandparents and 1 step-grandparent alive when I was born and all 3 of them are crazy. I never had much of a relationship with any of them, and I do feel like I missed out, based on experiences from many friends of mine.

avatar katiebird April 16, 2012, 1:14 pm

I just want to say that I grew up knowing 2 grandmas, 1 step-grandma, and my pop-pop and they were a wonderful part of my life. I am so blessed to have known them and to have had them in my life. Everyones family is different, but I think you are doing a disservice to the wonderful grandparents of this world when you say that they arent that important.

avatar lets_be_honest April 16, 2012, 1:17 pm

Agreed. The role my parents have played in my kid’s life has been so beyond beneficial to her, and the same can be said for the role my grandparents have played in my life. I feel very blessed that know that where I may lack in parenting, my own parents make up for tenfold when it comes to my kid.

avatar Temperance April 16, 2012, 10:18 pm

Eh, I’ve seen more damage from the “grandparents are THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER” camp. It causes so much damage to those of us who have shitty parents and grandparents, because it almost puts the onus back on us to make those relationships work, even when there is abuse and ill treatment.

avatar Something More April 17, 2012, 10:53 am

I grew up with both sets of grandparents, well, three sets. My mom’s parents adopted me when I was two so she could join the Navy. I spent almost every summer in AZ with them and when my dad passed away when I was 11, we moved back home and they def had a hand in raising me. I love them dearly (and still at 32 I rub it in my cousin’s faces that *I’m* the one they adopted) My grandma and Papa were married for 53 years when she passed away from cancer.
My stepdad’s parents divorced before we married into the family, but I knew and loved them both. Both remarried and I spent summers in western NY with my grandma there and time with my grandpa in FL when we lived there. I grew up with the best grandparents and altho my mom and I have had a tumultuous relationship over the years, she loves her grandkids (I have 2, my sister has 2) She is the Nani and they all love her. And I am glad she is in their lives.

tl:dr- I grew up with wonderful grandparents and my life most definitely is better for having known them.

avatar Something More April 17, 2012, 10:58 am

Also, I’d like to add that my great-grandma (dad’s grandma) is still alive, altho in decline at 103 years old, when I was younger, there was nothing better than her peanut choc chip cookies in the summer. My Papa (mom’s dad) is still alive and kicking, my kids LOVE him. I guess – I just can’t say how much having these people in my life and in my daughters’ lives have been such a wonderful thing.

avatar cporoski April 16, 2012, 1:16 pm

Sometimes it is a money/career thing having kids later. My husband and I waited to start trying until we both had more established careers. Chances are, your parents would have made you loan out your expensive, private college if they had kids earlier. My friends who had kids around 25 are struggling financially compared to the ones after 30 because they never really established themselves financially.

avatar lets_be_honest April 16, 2012, 1:45 pm

I skimmed the page after what you wrote below to see what your bad experiences were with having older parents. I’d say its fair to be upset that whenever you choose to have kids, your parents may not be able to be the grandparents you hope they can be. But it sounds like your parents waited til they were stable to have children and provide for them. That’s pretty excellent in my book.

Also, and I apologize if this sounds bitchy but I don;t know how else to put it- you said “They’re paying for my expensive, private college and it’s not something they want to be doing at that age.” Why don’t you pay for it yourself then if you are so concerned about them aging rapidly because of it?

Kristina Kristina April 16, 2012, 2:13 pm

Sorry, that didn’t come out the way I meant it. My parents are very adamant about paying for my (and my older brother’s) undergrad education. They both had to pay for their own, and didn’t want me to have to do that. I took out a few small loans to help alleviate the cost, but they will end up paying those loans, since it’s something they want to do to help me out for the future. They don’t want to have to be worrying about all these costs at their age, which is what I meant to say. They weren’t expecting other costs to come up at this time in their lives, but it happens. They didn’t plan enough for college funds (or at all), but at the same time, they want to help me get started by not having to worry about school loans. Of course I’m grateful, but I do think that part of their problems has to do with having kids in their 20s while they are nearing retirement age. My dad doesn’t want to retire because he loves what he does, but he would like to work less, but can’t because of my brother and I.

avatar lets_be_honest April 16, 2012, 2:43 pm

I’d say most parents of kids in their 20s are nearing retirement age, otherwise they are like me.

IDK, just seems (and maybe theres a better word) selfish to fault them for what you seem to be faulting them for…waiting until they’ve had a happy no-kids marriage to decide they are ready and secure enough to have kids, paying for both of their kids’ colleges, giving up early retirement for their kids.

Kristina Kristina April 16, 2012, 3:02 pm

Maybe it is selfish for me to feel that way, but I can’t help it either. My parents and I are really close and they know that I feel that way.

avatar Flake April 16, 2012, 2:59 pm

As adamant as they are you can always say ‘No, thanks’.

Kristina Kristina April 16, 2012, 3:05 pm

Well it’s pretty common where I’m from for parents to pay for college, and I don’t see anything wrong with it, if they can afford it. It wouldn’t be a wise financial decision for me to go to my current college solely on loans, and I’m thankful my parents are generous.

avatar Flake April 16, 2012, 3:16 pm

Except that you also resent them for it…

avatar Sue Jones April 16, 2012, 6:13 pm

She will be grateful someday… when she is older and has no student loans and many of her friends are still buried in debt and can’t follow their dreams the way that she can because her parents are financially secure. Having resources and emotional maturity is the main reason I see for waiting.

Amybelle Amybelle April 16, 2012, 4:35 pm

You’re right, it does sound horrible of you. I hate to break it to you, but 38 and 40 isn’t really that old, to have children or anything else. So you’re saying you’d rather they hadn’t had you at all? Or just criticizing their timing in having you, raising you, and paying for your expensive college? Wow I can see why you dislike them, how dare they not live their lives in a way that maximizes benefits to you!

avatar lets_be_honest April 16, 2012, 11:13 am

Just wanted to pipe in and share my story here, which seems to be more positive than some.
My parents had 4 kids quite young, then my mom remarried and had 2 more later in life. I honestly wouldn’t change any of it. I love having a mom who is closer in age to me (21 year difference), love having siblings close in age to me, but also love having such younger siblings (they are about 18 years younger than me). They keep my mom young (she’s about 50 now) and she still has plenty of energy for them. Still does the PTA, scouts, etc. As many of you know, I have my own daughter, who will most likely remain an only child, but she gets to have an aunt and uncle (I know, sounds funny) who are only a few years older than her. Its like having siblings because we live very close to each other, and they attend the same school. I really have seen no issue whatesoever with the age gap for any of us.

avatar Foxxdye April 16, 2012, 1:01 pm

Thanks for the positive outlook. I’m surprised at the strength and prevalence on DW of the sentiment that having kids in your late 30’s/early 40’s is a bad or even selfish move. My parents came out alright, and after all, if they hadn’t had kids precisely when they did, different people than my sister and I would have popped out. While I wouldn’t pursue fertility treatments to do it, I have no problem with the idea of being a 35 or 40-year-old new mother.

avatar AndreaMarie April 16, 2012, 1:19 pm

Good point. I didn’t even think of that. I think its something some women overlook when choosing to wait until their late 30s to have children. Being in a situation caring for young kids and their elderly parents.

Brad Brad April 16, 2012, 10:01 am

I think it sucks that the age/kids thing is the only spot you have a problem with but I also think it’s a MOA situation because of it. 22 years is a pretty big gap since you still want to have your own children. Perhaps it wouldn’t be if he had younger children you could raise with him, but since his kids are adults now that isn’t an option. And something like this is akin to a bandaid, it will hurt less if you just rip it off and get it over with. My heart goes out to you.

avatar Muffy April 16, 2012, 10:20 am

The age issue is nothing to worry about – a quality partner can be any age (so long as it’s legal) as long as they are a person you get along with and agree on the major factors: finances and KIDS. See that’s your problem with this guy. He says he might not want kids. He thinks it’s sweet that you want kids with him. But he never said that he wanted kids.

You need to let him know how badly you want children. You need to let him know that he better tell you right now if he truly never wants any more children because you need to find someone else then. And being in his 50s is not too old for him to have kids – my dad was 54 when my sister was born and my parents went through in vitro and everything to have her.

avatar iseeshiny April 16, 2012, 10:38 am

Did anyone else think Monica and Richard when they read this?

avatar bet April 16, 2012, 10:42 am

I love a good Friends reference! Hoenstly, it sounds just like their situation!

JK JK April 16, 2012, 11:29 am

With Wendyps response I was thinking of when Rachel turns 30 while dating Tag, andshe does all the math as to when she wants to have kids, get married, etc. And realizes she has to dump him.

avatar Ladybug April 16, 2012, 12:23 pm

Gotta love multiples Friends references in the same letter. And neither of those breakups were really about age–in an of itself, age isn’t a problem. The problem comes in when two people are in different places in their lives as far as their priorites and what they hope to accomplish, and age is all too often an indicator of that.

Kate B. Kate B April 16, 2012, 10:46 am

I have no problem with the age thing, but the kid thing is a big deal. He thought he was done raising kids and undoubtedly made plans for the latter part of his life. My aunt and uncle took on the raising of their grandchild in the late 60s and it is hard for them. They never had to take care of a baby (they adopted my cousins when they were 6 and 8, respectively) and so had to learn everything late in life. It has been hard for them. This is not how they planned to spend their retirement years and my uncle, for one, is beginning to show signs of resentment. They love their grandson, but they wish his mother was more responsible. They both have health issues and so keeping up with a four-year-old is very difficult. These are all things to consider.

theattack theattack April 16, 2012, 10:52 am

I think you should talk to him about this more. His comment sounds like he was starting to question himself some. Ask him to think about it for a couple of months, and then make your decision. You’re having to adjust to dating someone older, and he needs a similar opportunity to adjust his thoughts and his life-plans while dating someone younger. You’ve got something good, so don’t give it up without a thorough conversation.

FireStar FireStar April 16, 2012, 10:59 am

I think the piece about wanting to be with someone who 100% shares your goal of a family is key. He may be flattered or even willing to have kids with you – but that is not the same as someone who is matching you in enthusiasm to start a (new) family, is it? I know people who wanted kids and their husbands were willing – not enthusiastic but willing – and when the kids came the husbands shirked a lot of the work that goes with them saying that since the wife wanted the kids so the wife can get up at night, and change the majority of the diapers etc. It is causing HUGE resentment. One guy made the wife and baby sleep in the basement so the crying at night wouldn’t disturb him (he’s a gem). The husbands love their kids and everything but almost like in a 60’s generation kind of way… I think their justification is that since they didn’t come to the decision equally, they certainly aren’t sharing the work equally either. I would imagine that the best case scenario is that you both very much want kids and both of you will step up to make the sacrifices necessary to raise them. I think a successful relationship has shared values and a shared vision for the future. Your vision has children; his vision for the future included a vasectomy. Even if he agreed to have kids with you in order to keep you – would that be enough?

landygirl landygirl April 16, 2012, 11:01 am

LW, how well do you actually know this guy? Of course it’s been an easy relationship, you live 1000 miles apart. You are removed from the amount of work it takes to make a day to day live in relationship sucessful. How much time have you spent in each others presence? You’re idealizing this guy and that’s easy to do when you don’t pick up his dirty underwear off the floor everyday.

It also creeps me out that he’s dating someone who isn’t much older than his own children.

avatar kerrycontrary April 16, 2012, 11:05 am

I think he lives 1000 miles away from his kids, she said “we live 1000 miles away from each of our families”, not 1000 miles away from each other.

landygirl landygirl April 16, 2012, 11:15 am

I need coffee since I obviously can’t read.

Brad Brad April 16, 2012, 11:18 am

Well if the coffee doesn’t work I hear hooked on phonics works wonders ;-)

landygirl landygirl April 16, 2012, 11:28 am

I think coffee should do the trick though I could used Hooked on Mathmatics.

theattack theattack April 16, 2012, 11:06 am

I think they live in the same place. Their families live in different places.

But it’s very much not true that living far apart is easier. It takes at least just as much work to make the relationship work long-distance. There’s a reason people are hesitant to do that.

landygirl landygirl April 16, 2012, 11:17 am

Having been in several LDRs, I think living with someone is far more difficult. If you live far away from someone you don’t have to put up with their day to day habits.

theattack theattack April 16, 2012, 11:27 am

It’s just a different type of difficult. I don’t think one is easier than the other. They’re both hard.

avatar lets_be_honest April 16, 2012, 11:31 am

Maybe, but it has to be quite difficult going from LDR to not, which I assume would have to happen when you decide to marry, let alone have kids. That’s a major adjustment and I can’t imagine easy. I would think it’d be like a whole different relationship in so many ways.

theattack theattack April 16, 2012, 12:14 pm

Exactly, which is one reason LDRs are difficult. It’s a lot of faith, and it’s difficult to prepare for those things more so than in an in-person relationship.

avatar Temperance April 16, 2012, 11:02 am

LW, I think you should move on. Not trying to be a total ass, but do you want to be stuck caretaking an elderly partner while trying to parent a young child?

avatar AndreaMarie April 16, 2012, 11:58 am

100% agreed. Healthcare and lifespan is always improving and he good very well live a healthy life into his 80s. But lets be real, we can’t predict aging and god forbid he gets a serious/life threatening illness in his 60s (which unfortunatley many people do), she will be the caregiver to her husband as well as raising children under 10!

fast eddie fast eddie April 16, 2012, 11:22 am

WAY too many naysayers on this. Hell’s bells, he’s only 50 and very lucky to have you in his life. Any problems with the age difference in ANYBODIES mind but yours and his are theirs and theirs alone. As the birthdays roll by that difference will mean less and less. I got married at 53 and if my wife had been young enough I’d have loved to have some. You already realize the issues and the problems can be minimized with advance planning. Someone wiser then myself said “Only two things separate us from happiness, fear of the future and regrets for the past.” Go for the gold dear, your heads on straight, and your hearts in the right place.

avatar lets_be_honest April 16, 2012, 11:25 am

I’m with you 100% expect for the fact that she wants kids and he does not.

fast eddie fast eddie April 16, 2012, 11:47 am

Your right that issue needs to be resolved but she’s young enough to start over IF they can’t. For all they know she might not be able to be a mommy with him or anyone else which would put her in a good position to have his brood to love. I see in this as win-win-win for all parties.

avatar Temperance April 16, 2012, 10:20 pm

Not to sound completely crass, but his children are very likely close in age to her. I can’t imagine seeing one of my peers in a parental role.

avatar Guy Friday April 16, 2012, 11:51 am

Well, let’s be fair here. It’s hard to tell from the letter whether he’s honestly committed to not having kids or if he had just never considered having more kids until she brought it up. Yes, he was considering a vasectomy, but we just had this huge argument in a letter a few days ago about men being responsible in their sexual activity, so I don’t think that can be held against him in this situation; if I was 50 and hadn’t had anyone in my life I really wanted to have kids with and still wanted to be sexually active, I’d probably consider a vasectomy too.

I don’t think the LW should sit around and wait, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say that she should give him a little bit of time — whether it’s 6 months or 2 months or even a few weeks — to process this and have him honestly decide if he wants to have kids and give her a straight answer. If it’s “no”, then, yeah, you may have to move on, LW, if you really do want kids. If it’s “yes”, then I think the other issue you raised isn’t, in my opinion, necessarily a deal-breaker.

theattack theattack April 16, 2012, 12:14 pm

Perfectly said. You said what I was trying to say above.

avatar lets_be_honest April 16, 2012, 12:15 pm

I kind of felt like the LW was pulling at straws to see any inkling of his interest in having more kids (she said she wanted them and he seemed “touched”). Well, that’s lovely that he was flattered that she would consider having kids with him, but it sounded to me like he was nothing more than flattered.
However, I’m in agreement that saying you considered a vasectomy doesn’t necessarily equate being 100% sure you don’t want kids (for all the reasons you gave above).
Bottom line-they should talk and talk soon before it gets harder to walk away.

leilani leilani April 16, 2012, 11:23 am

Yeah, I would be worried because this is still a pretty new relationship, and he seems pretty undecided on the kids thing. To get to the point that you are serious enough to actually have children together, AND he has made up his mind that he really wants to have kids with you, AND you have decided to start trying to get pregnant, AND you have successfully gotten pregnant and carried a baby for 9 months, he will no longer be your 50-year old boyfriend. He might be your 52-year old boyfriend, or 53 or 55-year old boyfriend. And a 6-year old with a 60-year old dad is not an ideal situation. Neither is a “not rich” guy in his mid-70s trying to pay for college with his retirement fund. And that’s only if he decides that he actually wants kids. The only way I could see this working is if he can tell you NOW that he does definitely want to try to have kids with you, and you can develop a timeline for when that would happen and how it would work. Unfortunately, you guys do have time constraints, and you don’t really have time to waste in the decision-making stage.

avatar lets_be_honest April 16, 2012, 11:28 am

All of this, AND THEY’VE ONLY BEEN TOGETHER 6 MONTHS. Come on LW. This just seems unwise. If you were writing in saying you are married to this man, or even about to be married and have been together a long time and both wanted kids, that’s one thing. This just seems like its not a great idea.

avatar AndreaMarie April 16, 2012, 11:56 am

I wrote my comment before reading yours. You are spot on. They are in different stages in life. He’s heading towards retirement. Im sure he doesn’t want to be working into his 70s, so does he have enough saved up to supposed children through college? And then enough left over to continue to not work?

avatar AnotherWendy April 16, 2012, 7:35 pm

I’m 49 and have a 15 year old and I am not at all thinking my retirement years are right around the corner at all.

fast eddie fast eddie April 16, 2012, 12:01 pm

I profoundly disagree that a 50+ year old dad is anything negative. The life experience acquired will result in him being better parent. Wealth is no guarantee of life skill or happiness and the lack of it doesn’t inhibit the ability have a successful and loving family.

leilani leilani April 16, 2012, 12:58 pm

You’re right, and I don’t mean to imply that an old dad is a bad dad, or that a young dad is necessarily always better than an elderly one. But it honestly just seems like this guy is over having kids, and he’s only 50. How will he feel in ten years, when he’s 60, with a 5-year old? The point I’m trying to make is that he’s only getting older. So its already iffy now, I don’t think that bodes well for the future.

avatar Sue Jones April 16, 2012, 6:18 pm

No no and no. Let him make that decision! An older person has the maturity to understand how really fast the kids do grow up. 20 years really isn’t that much time. To me, at 50, 20 years seems like yesterday, or only 5 years ago.

CatsMeow CatsMeow April 16, 2012, 11:37 am

This sounds like a heartbreaking situation. It makes me sad to see otherwise healthy, happy couples break up over a difference in wanting children. I’ve seen it happen.

But to put a positive spin on this, LW, if/when you do move on, you at least have a better idea of what you want out of a relationship and what a healthy relationship looks like. Right? You said this is a big departure from your last relationships, so consider it progress. Now that you know what a healthy relationship feels like, it might be easier to find it again moving forward.

sobriquet sobriquet April 16, 2012, 11:46 am

Ladies, when a man tells you who he is and what he wants right off the bat, listen to him! The more time you invest in a guy who will not give you what you want, the harder it will be to move on. Ugh. I know it’s easier said than done, that we all have this rom-com fantasy of men changing their ways because they’re in love with us, but that’s not reality.

This is just like my 29 friend. She’s extremely picky about men when it comes to small things and yet stays with one who is clearly not going to meet her needs for way too long. “But we have such great conversations! But he’s so hot!” She won’t date a guy who has bad fashion sense, yet stays with the guy who doesn’t want to have kids, or doesn’t want anything serious. It baffles me. Sometimes I think she has this idea that it is just simply going to work out for her, but time’s a tickin’.

If the LW is truly serious about wanting children, then why is she dating a 50 year old to begin with?

Brad Brad April 16, 2012, 1:18 pm

Because, like, changing a wardrobe is so hard amirite?

avatar AndreaMarie April 16, 2012, 11:53 am

LW first let me say that there is nothing wrong with dating someone older, even significantly older. I’m 28 and my last 2 relationships have been with men 10 years older than me. Also, one of my very dear friends is 52 years old and we get along and relate on every level, I never see him as “an old man”. However I think the issue of age does come into play when you want to begin a family and starting a life. If he was 10 years older for example, you would still be in the same stage in life. However, you at 28 and he at 50 are in very different stages. He’s gone through raising children for 20 years, through schools and sports and dance classes and college etc etc. He’s on the down swing of that, the next stage in his fatherhood is is childrens’ weddings. The fact that he’s considered a vasectomy means he’s not interested at this point in his life in changing diapers.

Also, even if he decides he wants children with you, how active of a father do you think he could be? I know lifespan and healthcare is improving each day but he could be 70 by the time the kid hits college. And then there’s that…finances and retirement. Most people are ready to retire in their mid to late 60s. Is he in a position to support a child/children through college even after retirement? And again, though healthcare is great and he’s probably healthy and in good condition now, we can’t predict the aging process. What if, god forbid, he has a serious illness once he is in his 60s, are you prepared to be the caregiver to your husband in you mid-30s? Also while raising children?

I think there are 2 big things you need to address. 1). You say you are long distance, how well do you really know him after 6 months? Have you truly spent enough time with him to know “hes the one” and are ready to take on a serious relationship with him? 2). The most important, you have to have the children talk with him. Like Wendy said, why wait around if you know that no-children is a deal breaker. Ask him upfront and honest. Let him know that children are a must for you and you need to know where he stands.

landygirl landygirl April 16, 2012, 12:00 pm

I made the mistake of reading that they were long distance as well but the aren’t. They are long distance from their families, not each other.

avatar LANY April 16, 2012, 12:00 pm

LW, I’ll only say this: based on the thoughtfulness, eloquence and maturity of your letter, you’re going to be fine and happy regardless of which path you choose.

avatar Kristen April 16, 2012, 12:07 pm

I’m biased because I’m on the other end of a situation like this, but have you thought about – really thought about – how this affects the children he already has? I’d be truly surprised if they were as interested in meeting you as he is to introduce you, just for the fact that you could be their sibling (even if you’re really a great girl!).

My fiance’s dad, who is 50, has had 4 girlfriends in the last two years, and they’ve all been younger than 30. In fact, his last one was 25 — the same exact age as his son (my fiance). And let me tell you from this side: It’s not a great situation. He may seem young now, and your difference may not seem that big, but it will snowball as the years pass. And even if he’s flattered by the idea of having kids with you, it’s probably because it makes him feel young and desired. Not because he’s actually interested in raising kids all over again — financially, physically, emotionally. And if he did have kids with you, they’re likely going to be the same age as his future grandkids. Maybe I’m just not open-minded enough, but I don’t think that’s fair to the kids he already has. My fiance’s dad has made comments about having kids with his young girlfriends and starting a new family, and it’s hurtful. It really is.

All I’m saying is that you should look at this from all angles before making a decision. I’m sure there are tons of guys your age who are looking for “real partners” and “respect you on all levels.” I think in the long run, you’ll be happier with someone who is starting their lives for the first time with you — not someone who’s already been there, done that, and is just having kids again to make you happy.

avatar Lady over fifty June 20, 2013, 7:06 pm

Well, I happened upon this string of comments because I have a fifty year old SO who still thinks he wants kids, never had any before. Ugh. Tis came up on my search though its not on point, all the comments here have been informative. So, kids is Not happening with me, so my guy, he’d need to find a young woman, someone under thirty, as I have advised him. Alas, he doesn’t think he can relate. Women in their twenties are young enough to be his daughter. And the time to find someone, settle on her being the woman, conceiving, could easily push him into the 55 age range for a newborn child. Crazy, if you ask me — as someone outlined for you. You could end up with a six year old son with a sixty year old father. So my guy’s stuck in no decision land. And yes, of course, this is why he’s fifty unmarried and childless in the first place. I’m slowly moving on. But enough about me….

I think this is good advice in this response.

He already has been there done that. And your age difference will become more pronounced as the years pass. I for one, would NEVER, be with a man in his seventies at my current age. If you stay with this guy, that’s what you’re signing up for. Have you taken a look at and had conversations with men in their seventies lately!? Have you spent any time with his friends who are also in their fifties, maybe some in the sixties? They’ll just keep on getting older too.

I never felt compelled to have kids. You feel compelled. I think you should be with someone who is “all in” to do that with you. If its not this fifty year old guy, then move on, find a stable young guy. Stop dating musicians! young stable guys are out there. I worked with tons of them over the years.

avatar BreezyAM June 20, 2013, 9:42 pm

He should adopt an older child. Lots of older children out there needing homes, some very messed up yes, but some just needing a home!

avatar Lady over fifty June 21, 2013, 10:24 am

Some men, including this one, doesn’t want to raise someone else’s children. So, no woman with child. No adoption, needs to be biologically his, and no money. Older child isn’t it. Traditional child bearing kind of thing without biological link to him. And not ivf, no money, and surely not with me, there is an age cutoff. I also won’t do non biological to me, so no donor egg. His only choice is young fertile girl. He will likely still be dreaming of being a father ten or more years from now, living in the same pathetic town,,catering to his family of origin and everyone else who wants to take advantage of his good nature. Sad story, but it’s his life, he has to live it as he sees fit.