Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“Is My Boyfriend Being Selfish or Am I?”

My boyfriend has a female friend whom he used to be very close to, they fell out of touch. Recently, she ran into his brother at a bar and got my boyfriend’s number and began texting him. She proceeded to invite him to party and told him to bring me along. At the time, I agreed, but then I found out a friend of mine is coming into town only for that weekend and wants to go to this club we’ve been to before. So I told my boyfriend and he said “That’s the same night of my friends party…” and I told him “Well I guess we’re not going then…”

We then got into an argument because he said it was rude of me to cancel on his friend (whom I’ve met only once) and that he by no means was going to miss her party. I told him it wasn’t an important party like her birthday and that my friend was only going to be in town for four days. I tried to compromise saying we could make an appearance at her party first and then go to the club, but he told me no, he wanted to stay at her party because all his friends would be there and he had already promised her he’d go.

While I understand that he may have promised his “friend” this, I don’t understand why it’s SOOO important that he be there the whole time. He’s BARELY spoken to her in years and I think my relationship with him is more important than this girl. I’m willing to go to club alone and he can go to the party but I want to know if this is wrong in any way? Is he being selfish and uncompromising, or am I? Should I go to the party? Is this a *red flag*? Please help!! — Uncertain about Friendships


If he/you already made plans, it would be rude to cancel just because someone more important (to you) came along, so I agree with him on that point. And I also don’t think it’s asking too much that he go to the party early and head with you to the club later. But maybe he didn’t like the way you demanded that he do that. Maybe it rubbed him the wrong way and put him on the defense when the first thing you said when you realized your friend wanted to hang out on the same night as the party was “Well I guess we’re not going then…” Um, bossy much? No one likes to be talked to like that, so your boyfriend’s probably just trying to stand up to you and assert a little power in the situation. I don’t see why you can’t each do your own thing that night, but if it’s so important that he come with your to the club, why not apologize for being bossy, tell him how much it would mean if he came with you, and ask him again — this time nicely — if he’d reconsider going to his friend’s party for a little while and then to the club with you later.

Finally, what I suspect is really bothering you is that this “friend” of your boyfriend’s is a female. But, what you need to understand, is you acting bossy and territorial isn’t going to endear him to you. It’s going to do the opposite, and before you know it, you’re going to be one of those girls guys so sweetly refer to as “pyscho.” So, cool it with the jealousy, unless you truly feel you have reason to be jealous. And if you do, talk to you boyfriend about what’s really bothering you instead of acting out in ways that accomplish nothing but alienating him from you.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

117 comments… add one
  • avatar

    BoomChakaLaka May 5, 2011, 3:12 pm

    Thank you, Wendy! LW, I think this argument all stemmed from the fact that you have some not-so-deeply rooted insecurity issues. If it makes you uncomfortable that they’ve gotten back in touch, you really need to communicate that to him. I do very much agree that it is rude of you to cancel last minute. You need to start viewing her through the eyes of your bf and see that she isn’t just “this girl” but a close friend of your bf’s. If the situation was reversed, would you acted the same, and been ok with your bf just cancelling your plans last minute?

    Probably not.

    Also, why is that you guys can’t do your own thing that night? He can hang out with his friend that night and on another day, go and hang out with your friend that’s in town for the other three days. A relationship is about compromising and working together and that “queen of the world” attitude you’re adopting isn’t going to take you and your guy very far.

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    • avatar

      chouchou May 5, 2011, 4:49 pm

      While I agree with a lot of what you said, I think it’s a bit much to completely blame her reaction on insecurity issues. Not all friendships between male and females are completely benign, ESPECIALLY if they are a new presence in the relationship. If I were her, I’d be wondering why this rekindled friendship has become a priority in his life.

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        Spark May 5, 2011, 6:44 pm

        It doesn’t seem like a priority… It just sounds like he ran into an old friend and is excited about the chance to go to a party with old friends and catch up. Plus, if he skips it, it’s not like there might be another one the next week. I don’t think anything is wrong with this at all!

        Would LW rather her bf miss the party and then catch up with this girl alone?! I don’t think so!

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        chouchou May 5, 2011, 6:57 pm

        Yeah, if it was as innocent as that, then I see no reason why they just can’t do separate things that night. I was thinking there might be more sketchiness going on between them since she mentioned they were texting each other.

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        Fairhaired Child May 5, 2011, 11:53 pm

        I gave you a thumbs down because I dont believe its “sketchy” that they text each other. That’s one of the main ways of communication between younger generations these days. I would have done the same thing if I was the friend in this situation. I text my guy friends randomly all the time, and even if I havent talked to them in a while its less strange to me to be like “Hey! I saw _____ and we were talking and I thought about you. Just checking in! How’s life?” than if I randomly showed up like in person at their doorstep to hand deliver a invitation somewhere. “Oh hey I ran into your brother and he gave me your address so here! Oh you have a girlfriend.. HELLOOOO GF lady in the living room” Way creepier to hunt someone down in person than to send random texts to catch up and then to invite them to an already existing party where they can bring their SO.

        Granted if they texted like ALL hours constantly since she got his number, then yeah a little weird. 2am text responses to people when your SO is with you is not cool and def. sketchtastic.

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        chouchou May 6, 2011, 5:35 pm

        I don’t see why I had to spell that out in order to avoid being given a “thumbs down”. I think it can go unsaid that their texting would only be sketchy depending on how they conducted themselves.

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        Fairhaired Child May 7, 2011, 5:46 am

        its just your previous comments tend to make you seem to lean that this old friend has other motives.
        “If I were her, I’d be wondering why this rekindled friendship has become a priority in his life.” + “I was thinking there might be more sketchiness going on between them since she mentioned they were texting each other.” = to me that you dont think it is innocent at all and possibly ‘out of line’

        hense my post because I’m stating that you probably are a little overboard on immediately calling it sketchy and saying its a “priority” for the bf without us knowing more details. I was pointing out that texting is a normal communciation tool these days and “snail mail” / “in person visits” are more of a thing of the past and can seem way weirder.

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    Kate May 5, 2011, 3:13 pm

    I would say do your own thing that night, and if you meet up, great! If not, you will have lots more opportunities to hang out.

    I have had this same argument many times. I’ve been in both positions. I prefer the above tactic.

    I agree with Wendy: you sound jealous. If you are, address that issue before your boyfriend gets tired of it.

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  • avatar

    ReginaRey May 5, 2011, 3:19 pm

    I’m a heated, passionate person. I inherited sarcasm, snark, and a hot temper from my parents, and most of the time my boyfriend loves that about me. But sometimes it rubs my boyfriend the wrong way…or, you know, leads to shouting fests where I storm around like bitch-zilla.

    When I get mad or annoyed about something, like this party that your boyfriend wants to go to, I find it next to impossible to be diplomatic or ask for anything nicely until I cool down. I can’t tell you how many times my boyfriend has uttered to me: “If you had asked nicely, instead of being demanding, this wouldn’t be an issue.” I’m also reminded of my parents (thank god I don’t have to admit this to THEM), who used to enjoy saying on repeat: “It’s not what you said, but how you said it.”

    Point is, I think you can compromise with your boyfriend. You’re both ticked, and for reasons you each feel are justified. But I honestly believe that if you sat down calmly with your boyfriend, as Wendy suggested, and proposed a nice plan for compromise (accompanied by an apology!), he’s 99% likely to agree. If he’s a good guy who loves you, he’ll be glad to keep the peace and make both of you happy. It just takes checking some of your annoyance and pride at the door, first.

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    • avatar

      honeybeenicki May 5, 2011, 3:29 pm

      I’m so glad that I’m not the only one who has heard “If you had asked nicely instead of being demanding…”

      I get that a lot. From everyone including my husband and parents.

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    • avatar

      kdog May 5, 2011, 3:43 pm

      Sorry this might be nit-picking, but why is it has “if he’s a good guy who loves you” he should be happy to keep the peace? To me it’s not about making both of them happy then, it’s about appeasing her. It has nothing to do with him at that stage and pretending otherwise seems to be about justifying her poor behavior.

      I think the LW needs to go out with her friend and let the boyfriend do whatever the hell he feels like doing. How is this kind of behavior good for a relationship? I don’t think asking nicely makes any difference if she’s still trying to get him to do something he obviously doesn’t want to do.

      If I had a long lost friend come out of the wood work it would be way more exciting to me to spend time with them (regarless of gender) than my boyfriend. That’s nothing personal, but I mean c’mon I see him every day.

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      • avatar

        ReginaRey May 5, 2011, 3:52 pm

        Honestly, I think they should probably just go out separately too.

        But the way I read it, I think part of the reason he said “no” wasn’t necessarily because he was dead-set on not going to the club with his girlfriend, but because she was being so demanding that he decided “the hell with it, I’m not compromising.”

        If the reason he’s refusing to compromise is because of her demanding and her bad attitude, then that’s where the whole “asking nicely” and apologizing comes in. And maybe I should have said “If you guys love EACH OTHER, you should be able to reach a compromise that makes you both happy.”

        I just know in my own experience that 9 times out of 10, my boyfriend IS willing to do something, but then won’t compromise because of my unfortunate ‘tude. And that’s what I think she needs to work on, first.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 May 5, 2011, 4:13 pm

        If I had a long lost friend that came out of the wood work it would be way more important to me for them to hang out with my girlfriend, so they can meet, and try to be as good of friends as we are. There is nothing wrong with them doing separate things, but it shouldn’t be that way because they are in a fight, it should be that way, because that is what they both want. If both things are important to each of them then they will find a way to compromise and do both things, if they can both take a chill pill, and talk about it calmly. If they do it just to spite each other than that relationship might not last to long.

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      Quakergirl May 5, 2011, 4:10 pm

      Were we separated at birth? My parents used to say “It’s not what you said, but how you said it” aaaaall the time. It drove me bananas because they were just as snarky and sarcastic as I was. I think I just couldn’t tell when it was warranted and when it wasn’t. Now when I get in that snarky mood I hear my dad in the back of my head saying that…and sometimes I hear him say “In the room, lights on; out of the room, lights off,” too. Thanks for making me a treehugger, dad. My great-great-grandchildren will appreciate it.

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        ReginaRey May 5, 2011, 4:19 pm

        Oh my god. We WERE separated at birth, I know it. It drove me insane too because just like your parents, my parents (especially my dad) could be just as snarky and just as much of an asshole as me, yet no one ever called them out on it. Ohh the 13-year-old angst I recall at hearing “We’re the parents, not you” when I tried to tell them how snarky THEY were…And 10 years later I still haven’t gotten anywhere, but I learned to just shut up long ago.

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        Quakergirl May 5, 2011, 7:13 pm

        Eeeexactly. I’ve been slowly teaching Quakerboy the survival rules my brother and I have for our family as he (Quakerboy) is now fully entrenched in all family functions on the adult level . Rule number one– don’t ask questions. Rule number two– you have no relevant opinions, so just hush. It sounds twisted, but it’s been working out well for my brother and I thus far. Keeps the passive aggressive comments from parents and other relatives to an absolute bare minimum.

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      • avatar

        kali May 6, 2011, 12:43 pm

        Dude! I once got a fortune cookie fortune that said “Take some of the acid out of your speech” and my parents NEVER let me forget it. I think it was 1969… And as Quakergirl said, my parents taught me every snarky, sarcastic, eye-rolling trick I know. Maybe they just didn’t care to see it reflected back in the mirror of their darling daughter.

        My boyfriend likes it though. 🙂

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      • avatar

        kali May 6, 2011, 12:46 pm

        …and Wendy, it’s spelled ‘psycho’.

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  • avatar

    sweetleaf May 5, 2011, 3:20 pm

    You hang out with your friend, he can go to the party with his friends and then y’all can rendez later that night. Boom.

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    • avatar

      jena May 5, 2011, 3:38 pm

      She said he didn’t want to. And frankly, if they’re both going to separate locales for (what I’m guessing) drinking activity, they should just take a night off from each other. Driving + drinking = bad idea.

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      • avatar

        anna728 May 5, 2011, 4:21 pm

        I don’t think drunk driving will come into the picture. I mean he’s eventually going to leave the party and she the club anyway, I imagine they have a cab or DD plan.

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      • avatar

        jena May 6, 2011, 2:39 pm

        Or he’ll just stay the night and she’ll take a cab home. Either way, why can’t they just take a night off?

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    cdobbs May 5, 2011, 3:27 pm

    um, you already had plans to go to the party…if you don’t want to go…don’t…but why would you expect your boyfriend to not go, just because you made other plans (which i think is rude by the way)…can’t you go out with your other friend on another night? he is in down for several days? why is it that some people who are in relationships have to do everything together? if I was the LW boyfriend, this behaviour would piss me off!

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    • avatar

      honeybeenicki May 5, 2011, 3:38 pm

      I agree – this behavior would piss me off as well. I was reading it and all I could think about was all the petty bullshit in relationships in high school, but since theres “years” involved and a club, I have to assume that she is not in high school anymore.

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      • bittergaymark

        bitter gay mark May 7, 2011, 2:38 am

        So agree. Far too many of my friends have dated women like this. Curiously, NONE have ever married or even stayed with them for very long. Imagine how every one would react if the sexes were reversed and it was instead the guy who simply said in a matter of fact tone “Well, I guess we’re not going then.” The subtext is so obnoxious… It’s all — It’s me and MY friends that matter… Yours can be blown off…Deal with it. Ugh. Chicks like this always give me a headache. But not for long…

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    emjay May 5, 2011, 3:35 pm

    I agree that it is mostly a jealousy thing.
    “Recently, she ran into his brother at a bar and got my boyfriend’s number and began texting him.”

    This is the second line of your paragraph. We usually put the things that bother us more at the top of the list, even if you didn’t realize this. It is usually a subconsious thing, but still this is the real reason you got mad. She hasn’t talked to him in a long time, ran into his brother and immediately started texting him. I would personally flip too, but I have anger management issues (really, I’ve been diagnoised, its part of my hypomania). You need to have a lil faith in your boyfriend and curb the bitchiness. I say go with your BF to the party and YOU leave early to hang with your friend at the club if he will not comprimise on the issue b/c it sounds like you are not going to budge on this factor. Or like someone else posted, keep your plans with your BF and see your friend the next day for lunch or something. If you don’t know how to comprimise, your relationship is going to suffer and you’ll be writing back asking why he dumped you.

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    • avatar

      emjay May 5, 2011, 3:53 pm

      just want to add that I am not the best speller, so please don’t be too critical of the grammer mistakes! 🙂

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      • avatar

        Thyme May 5, 2011, 7:01 pm

        That’s ok, I’m a terrible speller too, so I won’t be acusing (accusing?) you of having “moron genes” or anything…

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    honeybeenicki May 5, 2011, 3:36 pm

    I think you’re both being selfish. You are being selfish by deciding that your plans (that came after the original plans) are more important and by basically telling him straight out that it doesn’t matter what he wants and you’re both going to do what you want. It is extremely rude to agree to go to something and then decide something else is more important.

    On the other hand, he is being selfish for not agreeing to split the night, which seems to be the best compromise. Likely, you are much like me and the way you approached it made him not want to compromise at all. If you would still like this compromise (believe me, you do), you should approach him with it again and apologize for being demanding and bossy. You have to remember that even you admit that they were once close. I don’t know about you, but there are people I have been close to in my life that I kind of lost touch with and then reunited with. While it may not be important to you, the chance to refresh that friendship is likely important to him.

    And to answer your question – yes. This is a red flag. For him. You are obviously jealous and controlling (at least from the tone of this letter) and quite selfish. Not to say that he isn’t selfish, but like I said earlier – just picturing this conversation – it was probably HOW you tried to present the compromise. I am REALLY hoping you are very young because this seems like completely immature behavior and I wouldn’t tolerate it in a relationship.

    Oh, and by the way — you said your friend is going to be in town for 4 days. When she approached you with the idea of going out to the club on whatever night, why didn’t you say “oh I’m sorry, I have a prior commitment that’s important to my boyfriend. Would it be possible that we hook up the next night instead?” It seems to me that you have FOUR days to hang out with this friend. Maybe she already booked herself up for the four whole days, but you didn’t really say and I’m guessing she could have squeezed you in somewhere.

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    • avatar

      Kerrycontrary May 6, 2011, 8:45 pm

      Yeh. If you have four days with someone, why does the LW HAVE to go out to the club the night of that party? Sounds a little too coincidental for me.

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  • becboo84

    BecBoo84 May 5, 2011, 3:36 pm

    Wendy, so glad you picked up on this line-“Well I guess we’re not going then…” To me, that set the tone for the entire discussion. It was completely, 100% out of line. Your boyfriend is probably very much looking forward to getting back in touch with this person he used to be very close with and doesn’t want to miss their first in person meeting in a long while. LW, I think you need to chill out. It is unreasonable for you to even ask your bf to cancel his plans because something better (for you) came up.

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    • avatar

      anna728 May 5, 2011, 4:24 pm

      That stood out to me a lot, too. I wonder if she is that domineering all the time.

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      • bittergaymark

        bitter gay mark May 7, 2011, 2:43 am

        Frankly, there is NOTHING to wonder about. Even in a letter she penned to portray herself in the best possible light we all have taken her to task for being extremely that.

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  • avatar

    jena May 5, 2011, 3:36 pm

    You already had plans to go to the party, so it’d be rude for both of you to cancel. It’s his old friend that he’s now reconnecting with, and I can see why he wouldn’t want to hang out with two girlfriends when all of *his* friends will be at a party. Plus, it’s a club you’ve been to before, not some new exciting place, so what’s the big deal? Drop it. You’re being kind of a jerk about it, just assuming that he’d be cool dropping his plans.

    It’s very obvious that you’re jealous that this girl means a lot to him. Don’t worry about it so much.

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  • avatar

    Bethany May 5, 2011, 3:44 pm

    There’s no rule that says that couples always need to hang out with eachother!!! If he hasn’t seen his friend in a long time, he should go to her party, and if your friend is coming in from out of town, you should hang out with her. You don’t need to be doing those 2 things together!!

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  • avatar

    Sarah May 5, 2011, 3:56 pm

    Oh girl, I’ve done this. The whole “I’m going to create an argument about this girl and you’ll feel defensive and more likely to side with said girl so that I can feel justified in being jealous of her.” thing.

    “I don’t think we should do to that girl’s party- Why do you do you want to go so badly?- Why does her party matter more than being with me?-Do you like her or something?-Did you guys ever sleep together?- Just tell me if you’re in love with her-FINE GO OFF AND BE WITH YOUR WHORE.”

    Ok, that last part would be in my head but I think he got the point anyway (the crazy eyes really sold it). My point is, if you spend all your time trying to turn your boyfriend into an asshole, you’re probably going to miss it when he actually is an asshole, and ruin the good relationships in the meantime. But I understand the jealously thing, I do. My advice is this: apologize for being bossy, tell him that you would love to go to the first part of the party and then you’ll leave alone to go hang out with your friend. That way you get to see if this girl is harmless or not, you get to see your friend, and you look really cool and confident to everybody involved.

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    • avatar

      Kate May 5, 2011, 5:12 pm

      Your comments always make me laugh.

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      Fidget_eep May 5, 2011, 5:34 pm

      The thing I noticed right away was that the BF’s old friend suggested the LW accompany him to the party. This, at least to me, was a gracious sign on her half to include his new GF. I thought that the LW should at least make an appearance since she did agree to go in the first place. The suggestion below that after she made her appearance, to bow out gracefully with the explanation that her friend was in town. I don’t understand how hard that would be to do. She would come across as polite, and accommodating both important events with grace.

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  • avatar

    cmarie May 5, 2011, 4:02 pm

    I usually try to give the LW a benefit of doubt but her “I guess we’re not going” line really set my teeth on edge. Controlling isn’t pretty on anyone so knock it off. You’re acting like a jealous, spoiled brat. No, he shouldn’t have to compromise with you. You guys made plans to go the friend’s party and it’s incredibly rude to cancel because something “better” came along. That doesn’t make you a very nice person. Sure I’ll go to the party, as long as nothing else more fun comes along. You want to be that person, go for it, but you have no right to drag the BF down with you. It’s rude and uncalled for. I don’t care how well, not not, you know this friend, when you make plans you make every effort to keep them because that’s what polite, nice people do. If you want to salvage any part of your image you need to apologize to your BF for being demanding and rude. It’s acceptable to go to the party with him then bow out early to go to the club with a friend. Just don’t demand that he go with you. It’s YOUR friend who wants to go to the club; HIS friends will be at that party. Grow up LW and realize that your BF can’t, and shouldn’t, be with you every moment and he has every right to have his own friends and his own social life that you can’t control, nor should you (unless he’s doing drugs or something bad).

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    spaceboy761 May 5, 2011, 4:13 pm

    LW: It’s too late. He’s probably already banging her and soon you’ll both get herpes.

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      TaxMan May 5, 2011, 4:27 pm

      I don’t know. I think is more likely we will see her and her boyfriend on a upcoming “Who’s the Daddy?” episode of Maury.

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      cmarie May 5, 2011, 5:43 pm

      Herpes, the gift that keeps giving…

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    anna728 May 5, 2011, 4:16 pm

    Wow, I mean I see why each of you wants to do their activity of choice, but it sounds like you have been kind of obnoxious about it. I am not sure why it’s so crucial for your boyfriend to be at the club with you. The very obvious solution to this problem is for you to go to the club with your friend and for him to go to the party. It sucks that you will be breaking a commitment, but it would be much worse if he did. You can always stop by, too. You say it shouldn’t be important to him to go because he hasn’t talked to her in years. To me, that seems like all the more reason why it would be important. I wouldn’t want to bail on the first plans I made with someone I just reconnected with. I understand that your friend is only in town for a few days, so I am sure the girl will understand if you can’t make it to the party. It isn’t fair, though, to ask your boyfriend to skip as well. Wouldn’t you and your friend have more fun and be better able to catch one-on-one than with your boyfriend in tow anyway?

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      Thyme May 5, 2011, 7:10 pm

      seriously! I’d generally rather hang out with my girls WITHOUT the boy so that I don’t have to worry about if he’s having any fun or not listening to us gossip about people he doesn’t know and events he wasn’t there for, and also so I can talk about him, of course 🙂 It’s healthy to have time apart, so that you have stuff to talk about when you are together.

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    ele4phant May 5, 2011, 4:17 pm

    I don’t understand the problem. Why can’t you each hang out with your friends seperatly? There’s no law saying couples have to be glued together or share the exact same set of friends.

    But to answer your question, you are both being selfish to expect your partner to prioritze your friends over theirs. Let him go to his party while you go to the club. No big deal. If his friend really wants to meet you, make plans with her for later. It sounds like she lives nearby while you’re friend doesn’t

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    • avatar

      Heather Feather May 5, 2011, 5:12 pm

      This was exactly what I said above in the comments. Have some faith in your man..if he deserves it. If he doesn’t, that is whole separate issue.

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    Elle May 5, 2011, 4:24 pm

    LW, your bf’s friend is just as important to him as your friend is to you. He wants to spend time with his friend(s) just as much as you want to spend time with yours. You agreed to go to the party, but you have no problem cancelling because you only met her once. Understandable, but it’s not that easy for your bf to do the same. Does he even know your friend? If I were him, I would rather spend time with my good friends, then with someone I barely knew in a loud club.
    To answer your question, yes, you are selfish, but you’re reading Dear Wendy, so it will be fixed in no time.
    Have fun!

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    Maracuya May 5, 2011, 4:34 pm

    Your compromise was, “Okay, instead of us not going to your friend’s party because my friend was in town, we can stop by and then go do my thing.”

    Although having a friend come in from out of town is important, this guy obviously wants to hang out with his friends. Go to his friend’s party, meet her, then say, “I have a friend coming in from Timbuktu/France/Michigan,” and bow out. I’m sure you’ll come off looking gracious and maybe he’ll want to go with you to meet your friend. But next time, ask instead of tell. You two are not one entity; he has his own feelings.

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  • avatar

    TJ May 5, 2011, 4:34 pm

    “Get yourself together, don’t hate (don’t eva do it)/Jealousy’s the ugliest trait (don’t eva do it)”

    The rules:

    5 points if you can guess the song, 10 if you follow the advice
    If you don’t know what the advice means then I heaving a giant *SIGH* in your direction

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      MissDre May 5, 2011, 4:52 pm

      LoL you are too funny today!

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      TJ May 6, 2011, 9:24 am

      hey who gave me a thumbs down? party pooper… 😛

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    Heather Feather May 5, 2011, 3:38 pm

    Here is a novel idea…why don’t you hang out with your friend and your boyfriend go to the party. I don’t understand why couples don’t do this more often. It is ok to spend some time apart..sometimes it’s good!
    And I’m sure he would appreciate you backing off a little instead of telling him what his plans are for the evening.

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      ReginaRey May 5, 2011, 3:41 pm

      Because that would involve not getting to be around to ensure this girl isn’t making any moves on her boyfriend, or isn’t Sofia Vergara’s twin or something.

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        emjay May 5, 2011, 3:51 pm

        LOL Regina I love your advice! Your so funny! But you are right, she wants to “moniter” this girls behavior around her boyfrind and vice versa. I just think she needs to grow up and stop with the insecurity, b/c she will end up getting dumped if she doesn’t.

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        Heather Feather May 5, 2011, 5:11 pm

        I agree with you guys…she def wants to mark her territory. He might as well dress up like a fire hydrant for the party…

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        BucketsofRain May 6, 2011, 10:46 am

        If she is feeling that insecure, (and who knows if the insecurity is unfounded or not)maybe a compromise would be to discuss nicely with her boyfriend that they go to the party first and then the club later. She can then go to the party for a little while to meet the girl and ease her fears and jealousy. If she feels that there is nothing to worry about, she can then head to the club alone with her friends, and like someone below said, have a good time hanging out without her boyfriend who doesn’t want to be there in the first place. If she feels too nervous about leaving him alone, they can continue on as they planned.

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        jena May 6, 2011, 2:40 pm

        If she feels nervous about leaving him alone, she needs to work through her jealousy and insecurity and not at his expense of being forced to change plans that he made before this all came up.

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      • bittergaymark

        bitter gay mark May 7, 2011, 2:46 am

        Um, it is precisely this kind of behavior that WILL make him cheat. It’s so obvious, I wish people would simply get with the program… If you can’t trust your boyfriend to go to a party alone — NEWSFLASH you don’t have a boy friend.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom May 5, 2011, 5:04 pm

    Where I live if you say you’ll do something you follow through and do it. So if you’ve already agreed to go to the party it would be rude to not go. Your boyfriend should be able to depend on you doing what you say you will do and vice versa. Once you’ve commited you don’t back out just because something better came along.

    Your relationship is more important than his friend but it’s also more important than your friend. Your friend is in town for four days so maybe you’ll miss the night out but get to see them at some other point during the four days. If not, ask your friend to give you more notice, if possible, next time they’re in town.

    I think you owe your boyfriend an apology for trying to break the date and and the bossy way you spoke to him deserves it’s own apology.

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      ele4phant May 5, 2011, 6:05 pm

      For the most part I agree with you. However, as its friend, and he was the one who confirmed, I think that she (as his plus one) can decline graciously to come without being rude. If the host is a reasonable person, I think she’d totally get that the girlfriend may want to change her mind about coming to the party of someone she barely knows if a close out of town friend was coming in. I know I wouldn’t care.

      Where this girl screwed up was when she demanded that he also change his plans. So, while I think its totally legit for her to bow out of the party, she was totally out of line to demand that he also do so.

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      Feline May 5, 2011, 10:41 pm

      This is exactly what I thought. It would be rude for the LW to renege on the previously accepted invitation, regardless of whether she believes that her subsequent invitation to hang out with her friend is more important. Skyblossom, you worded it beautifully, and I agree with everything that you’ve said.

      Regards,

      Feline

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      sarolabelle May 5, 2011, 10:48 pm

      are you in the south? because I would say the same thing!

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        ele4phant May 6, 2011, 1:57 am

        Do you mean me or Skyblossom? Because I definitely not in the South, in fact kitty-corner in the Pacific Northwest.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom May 6, 2011, 8:24 am

        I’m from the midwest and most people here expect you to follow through on your commitments. I think it’s a measure of maturity.

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        ele4phant May 6, 2011, 11:15 am

        Hmm, interesting how regional context changes whats approporiate or not. From where I live, I think that if someone cancelled far enough in advance with something like “So sorry to cancel, but I just found out my dear friend X is coming in out of town that same weekend!”, it wouldn’t be seen as flakey or rude. Things pop and sometimes plans need to change so most people wouldn’t care here, but I know now if I move to the midwest that that wouldn’t be the right way to go about things!

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        Kate May 6, 2011, 1:56 pm

        I am from New England, but live in the Midwest, and I think they are virtually the same regarding this type of thing. If you cancel far enough in advance, I don’t see it being an issue.

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    HmC May 5, 2011, 5:19 pm

    LW, by referring to your boyfriend’s friend as a “friend”, you seem to be displaying a passive aggressive belief that she is anything but. Do you trust your boyfriend? If you do, I don’t see any reason why you both shouldn’t go to whatever events you want, separately.

    Technically though, your boyfriend and you should honor the commitment you made first. If you want to flake on an event you said you’d attend to do something that is now more appealing to you, that is up to you. Frankly, you assuming that he would cancel on his friend and come with you to your event just because that is now more appealing to you struck me as extremely presumptuous and rude. The compromise of attending both events may have been a good idea if you had approached him with it in a respectful way, but I suspect that plan’s now been ruined by your emotional, jealous, and yes selfish overreaction.

    If I were you, I’d put my tail between my legs, apologize for my behavior, go to the party with my boyfriend (assuming I thought I could keep myself from say, getting drunk and causing a scene), and rationally look into whatever issues I had that caused me to be jealous of this girl.

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  • Public Pearl

    Public Pearl May 5, 2011, 5:29 pm

    “I don’t understand why it’s SOOO important”

    Oh, man, you sound SOOO immature to me. Seriously, spend the night apart with your own friends. Because if you can’t spend one night away from each other, then sister-friend, you have bigger problems than can be solved in a pithy paragraph or two.

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    SpaceySteph May 5, 2011, 5:56 pm

    Let me tell you a fable, LW. In December I got a save the date for a good friend’s wedding. I told my bf about it immediately and had him save the date too, because I wanted him to accompany me out of town and to meet my friends. The wedding is in July

    Well as it turns out, his brother is getting married a month later and planned his bachelor party for the same weekend. For reasons I am not privy to, this is the only weekend possible for the bachelor party. Well anyways, he offered to go to the wedding with me on Friday then fly clear across the country on Saturday morning to join up with the bachelor party festivities late. Though I’m bummed to go to the wedding alone, I told my bf that if we are together forever this one weekend won’t matter and if we aren’t he’ll regret giving up the bachelor party event Friday night for me.

    The moral for you, LW, is the same. It’s just one night, one party, one club. If you guys are together forever there will be other nights, other parties, other clubs. And if you aren’t then you’ll get to look back on the night you and your friend had a great time without that guy who is now your jerk ex.

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      sarolabelle May 5, 2011, 10:46 pm

      gee…a red eye flight to maybe spend an hour at the bachelor party? That’s really sweet he offered. Too bad the bachelor party wasn’t on Saturday night. Although it somewhat sounds like a bachelor party weekend…which I’m not familar with. I thought bachelor parties were like a group of guys going out for drinks? Or a D&D marathon, perhaps?

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        Fairhaired Child May 6, 2011, 12:08 am

        some bachelor parties are actually events strung out all day long or like a weekend camping trip (no hookers). One of my guy friends went on a one night camping trip for his friends bachelor party(just the manly men haha), where they fished and canoed in the morning. Shot jokes at each other all day, went to a rifle range and shot some targets, and then ended it with a poker night and some drinks. So it was a two day event.

        Now that guy friend is about to get married and his fiance wants her Bachelorette party to be similar to the bachelor party he went to (we are going to go to a shooting range and shoot guns, go out for drinks, and probably another event but only keep it to a day long thing).

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        SpaceySteph May 6, 2011, 4:47 am

        Yeah its a weekend. I think they’re common enough. I went on a bachelorette party weekend last year- we stayed in a hotel suite Friday and Saturday night. Friday night was low key, Saturday daytime spent by the pool, Saturday night clubbing, Sunday brunch with the bride’s mom, then we all left town. I think when the whole group is from different places (this group had the bride come in from NJ, me from TX, 2 from FL, and one from IL…) it would have been silly to meet up just for a night. My boyfriend’s brother and his groomsmen are also from all over and they’re meeting up for the weekend. They’re leaving first thing Saturday morning for white water rafting so even the latest Friday flight or the earliest Saturday flight wouldn’t get him there in time for that. He was still willing to skip it, but I can only imagine if we break up (or hell even if we don’t) how he’ll feel looking back on how he missed his brother’s bachelor party weekend to go to the wedding of a couple he’s met once.

        Fairhaired Child that bachelorette party sounds awesome! Shooting range is such a great idea.

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        anna728 May 6, 2011, 3:50 pm

        If people are having to fly out to attend I would think one night one wouldn’t be worth it. Better to make it a weekend.

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    Sarah May 5, 2011, 6:38 pm

    Since it’s not your personal alternate plan but rather your out-of-town-friend who wants to go to a particular club on one out of four nights she will be in town, I would be hard-pressed to state that he’s not acting like “your relationship with him is more important than this girl.” You’ve sort of adopted her plan as some representation of you, when it’s just as external as this girl’s party. Oh, your friend’s only in town four nights? Well, you made plans with his friend first. So neither friend is privileged there.

    What he is saying: prior plans you both made with one of his friends > what one of your friends feels like doing while she’s in town. It’s your choice to privilege what your friend wants over what his friend wants, and it should be his choice to privilege what his friend wants over what your friend wants. The compromise needs to then have some understanding that by wanting to go to the party (i.e wanting to hang out with his friend as his friend wants), he is the same position as you (i.e. wanting to go to the club as your friend wants).

    From an etiquette perspective, I think the appropriate response is this: if his friend’s party is a low-key, back porch, everyone bring whatever beer they have available and chip in for the 10 PM beer run, he tells his friend that your friend is in from out of town, and asks whether she can come along. You either tell your friend that you need to go to the club a different night because you made prior plans, or float the idea of you two going to the party for a while and then going to the club yourselves.

    If it’s not a low-key party, you either tell your friend you need to meet up with her a different night, you offer to meet up with her after you spend time at the party, or you regretfully bow out of the party yourself and hang out with your friend. There’s no acceptable option where you yank your boyfriend’s attendance at an already-RSVPd-to event simply because your friend wants to do something else. FYI.

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      SpyGlassez May 5, 2011, 8:59 pm

      It would be just as easy to say that the LW’s relationship with her friend was more important to her than her relationship with her boyfriend.

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      Fairhaired Child May 6, 2011, 12:11 am

      THIS. I was going to post something like that and say why cant the friend visiting from out of town come to the bf’s friends thing. Esp. if the gf’s friend was originally from that area (seems like it to me since they are going to a club they’ve been to before and since the friend is coming to town for 4 days) – both girls may be surprised and could know some of the people at the Bf’s friends party as well and be able to catch up on “old times” with several people as well.

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  • avatar

    Spark May 5, 2011, 6:44 pm

    Yes, LW, YOU are the one being selfish and unreasonable.

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    Lindsay May 5, 2011, 6:59 pm

    I would find it extremely rude for the person I was dating to inform me that I was no longer attending my friend’s party. My thing is: You guys aren’t attached to the hip. If you want to see your friend (and I can understand because I have a lot of out-of-town friends and it’s important to me to see them), then go see her. Or leave the party early. Of course, it would be polite to go to the party you already agreed to, even if just for a little bit, and it might help with the concern over your boyfriend having a female friend if you get to know her also.

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    Quakergirl May 5, 2011, 7:03 pm

    Whoa there. Talk about a major freakout over nothing. First of all, it seems abundantly clear that you are jealous of/insecure about “this girl.” Take a step back and look at the facts, though. Your boyfriend’s brother gave her the number (it’s not like your boyfriend sought her out), and when she invited him to the party, she actively suggested you come along. That indicates that your boyfriend had probably told her about you already– that’s a pretty significant thing, considering they were probably busy catching up about their own lives if they haven’t been in contact in a while. Obviously he felt you were an important enough part of his life to bring you up pretty quickly. And you’ve already met her, meaning he isn’t trying to conceal you or downplay your relationship and probably wants you two to be friends. From what you’ve said, it sounds like you have no factual basis whatsoever to feel jealous or threatened. In fact, it sounds like just the opposite.

    Second, your boyfriend probably reacted pretty strongly to you telling him what to do when he’d already made other plans, not necessarily to the plan itself. You’re not his mother! You can’t tell him what to do! You can ask nicely, but you chose not to. Also, could you blame him for choosing to hang out with his friends rather than go to what sounds like a girls’ night at a club? Couples have separate friends. It’s okay– healthy even.

    And third, if you don’t dial down the drama, you’re going to be free to do whatever you want pretty soon, because your boyfriend will eventually bail. Look at how you set up this situation– “I think my relationship with him is more important than this girl.” You’re making it sound like he always has to do exactly what you say in order to prove how important your relationship is. It sounds like you’re trying to manipulate him by making him feel like he’s abandoning your relationship for his friends. In reality, he’s choosing between a commitment he already made and one you’re asking him to make. That’s the scenario in reality. It’s not an all out me-or-her war. Don’t make it out to be, because if he has to choose between his friends and a soap-opera-worthy drama queen, it’s not going to be a hard choice.

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    Jshizzle May 5, 2011, 8:07 pm

    I’m guessing the boyfriend is not close with the letter-writer’s friend, or else he would be more inclined to hang out with them.

    I’m just curious as to why all his friends are going to be there if he hasn’t talked to this girl in ages…did she disappear for years and invite her entire old social crew? If they are all such good friends why hasn’t he stayed in contact with her at mutual friend’s parties?

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      AKchic May 5, 2011, 9:33 pm

      She could have just gotten back from college across country, just gotten out of the military, just gotten out of an abusive marriage, etc. We don’t know because the LW didn’t specify. Obviously there is a reason why they didn’t communicate, otherwise he would have been irritated at the lack of communication.

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        Fairhaired Child May 6, 2011, 12:21 am

        I agree with you AKchic. It could be that they were super close earlier in life or early parts of college, grew apart when they got into their own relationships or when they were busy going to different colleges etc. Someone may have changed numbers/gotten a new phone hense needing the number again. The friend (or the bf) may HATE facebook and still surf livejournal refusing to conform to the “new communication technology” – who knows.

        I know my boyfriend has several “close friends” that he’s been friends with since like middle school and while in my mind I dont classify them as close because they dont really see each other often, when they invite a large group out its like “wow you guys really are friends and have a HUGE social group”. And every time it shocks me that he is friends with all these people but really only sees 10% of them a lot of the time even with them all living in the same town. So unless someone throws a large party I dont meet/get to know these people because everyone has different “strength levels” of their friendships and has smaller groups within the larger group that they prefer to hang out with on a weekly basis.

        I feel like as his GF he should hang out MORE often with these other 90% of his friends because I feel that since our relationship started we moved in together he prob hangs out less with some of his other friends that we dont get to see weekly/monthly. So i’m happy when there’s a party and he can see all his friends because I don’t want to be -that- GF who stole the guy away from the group.

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        Fairhaired Child May 6, 2011, 12:23 am

        *relationship started and we moved in together

        typo needed an extra word there >.< sorry!

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    SpyGlassez May 5, 2011, 9:03 pm

    LW: I think if I insisted to my BF that he come along with me and one of my old friends for a night out (well, not clubbing, because I’m too old and staid for that), his eyes would glaze over and he would feign a coma to get out of it. To him, there would be no thrill in listening to us talk about people he didn’t know and compare notes about how fat we’d gotten. Let him go do his thing, you go do your thing, and don’t worry. But for the sake of your friend, don’t spend the whole night bitching about how he wouldn’t come; that’s a good way to be out a boyfriend AND a best friend.

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      SpaceySteph May 6, 2011, 4:53 am

      Haha so true, I remember the last time I met up with my best friend who now lives far far away. Her boyfriend became completely involved in Wii Sports so he didn’t have to listen to us blabber on and on.
      Do everyone a favor and let him have his own night while you have yours. Its ok to be in a relationship and also take a night off to have fun with your girls!

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    napoleon1066 May 5, 2011, 9:16 pm

    “Is this a red flag?”

    Yeah… for your boyfriend. Anyone who thinks they can cancel plans they’ve made with their significant other’s friends simply because a different opportunity with one of their own friends came along, and then rudely dictates this change in plans to said significant other needs to undergo some serious introspection.

    Run and hide, boy, run and hide.

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      sarolabelle May 5, 2011, 10:38 pm

      I know! Can you imagine if she had the club plan first and then he told her he made other plans and when she said “that’s the night we are going to the club” and he said “well guess we aren’t going then”….gosh, I’d dump that guy in a minute. It’s so rude and inconsiderate.

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    AKchic May 5, 2011, 9:31 pm

    Interesting. I’ve been the “friend”. With a full time (plus) job, four kids, and a pain condition that keeps me on my toes (so to speak), there are many times that I fall out of touch with friends. I have one friend in particular in which this happens. He is my “little brother”. A friend of mine brought him over to by BBQ potluck one year and we had a similar interest in guns and weaponry and movies and we hit it off. Him and my husband became friends. When my husband went across country, he would come to my house to help out (I lived in a bad part of town and had a few break-ins where I “escorted” said intruders out by gunpoint and cell phone with cops). After I started my 2nd divorce, he was there to help me with the boys. We were NOT a sexual relationship. If anything, I think he’d marry me only to get my weapons collection!

    When he would date a girl, he would introduce them to me. I was the litmus test. If I didn’t like them, or they didn’t like me, they were gone. He finally found a nice woman. They got married last year. We haven’t spoken in a few months, mainly because they both work 60 hour weeks just like I do, but they are saving up to start planning to get pregnant, while I already am raising 4 boys on my own. They come over for birthday parties and random dinners. I go over there for birthdays and BBQs. We talk in the stores and whenever we can. We just don’t have time for regular contact right now. It happens. It’s called “life”.

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    lemongrass May 5, 2011, 9:47 pm

    Why not just bring your friend to the party?

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      sarolabelle May 5, 2011, 10:35 pm

      that’s called crashing a party – it’s not cool.

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        SpaceySteph May 6, 2011, 4:59 am

        I think it would be perfectly reasonable for the boyfriend to say to the friend “Hey we just found out a friend is coming into town for just one weekend, would you mind if we brought her by?” When my friends and I throw parties, its generally a more the merrier situation.
        Of course its also totally reasonable for the friend to say “Sorry but I’ have a pretty small place” or something else diplomatic if she doesn’t want this extra person around.

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    Britannia May 5, 2011, 11:07 pm

    Frankly, I would be a *little* suspicious about this girl’s reasons for being so gung-ho about getting back into contact with your boyfriend. But as un-suspicious as possible while still landing on the side of suspicious. I would certainly make it a priority to meet her.

    To solve all the problems:
    1) Stop being such a controlling bitch. Your boyfriend has the right to see his friends or go to a party alone. If you don’t want him to be at that party alone, then go with him. But don’t you dare try to be a GF-Zilla about it. Just like you want liberty, he deserves liberty too.

    2) Go to the party because you were so graciously invited, because a) You’ll be able to gauge this girl’s threat level, b) most parties don’t start that late in the evening, so you will have plenty of time to meet up LATER for clubbing.

    3) Bow out after an hour (or two or three) at the party to go home, do a quick change, and meet up with your out-of-towner friend to go out clubbing. Clubbing doesn’t get really fun until about 11 or 12 anyways, and I imagine that the house party would be over by then.

    4) Consider this: if the girlfriend has *met* you and still puts moves on your boyfriend after that, you have just grounds for asking him to not see her anymore. But you don’t really have a right to form an opinion before meeting her and seeing how she behaves with him. And, if your boyfriend *does* want to have an affair with her or cheats on you, at least then you know that he wasn’t right for you BEFORE you got engaged or married to him.

    So, you can take care of all the issues if you decide to err on the side of being polite and diplomatic! Wow! Virtuous behavior sometimes CAN be in your best interest!

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      ele4phant May 6, 2011, 1:11 am

      Why is it supiscous that she would want to reconnect? I used to have some really close guy friends in college that I’ve drifted apart from. I had no interest in dating them then, and I certainly have no interest now. However, if I ran into them, or even into a mutual friend/family member, heck yes I’d want to ask how they’d been and maybe even get in touch with them. It doesn’t mean I’d want to cheat on my boyfriend or lure them away from their girlfriends, but we had some good times and we never had a falling out, so I still think fondly of them.

      I think everything seems above board, she invited the girlfriend, she invited them to a party where they’d be lots of old friends. Hardly secretive or suspect. Besides, even if she was up to no good, it sounds like the boyfriend has been upfront and honest, so the LW should have no worries about him straying.

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        Britannia May 6, 2011, 1:14 am

        It said in the LW’s letter that the boyfriend says, “All my friends will be there”. Why did he and she drift apart for YEARS if they have so many friends in common? Personally, I think people drift apart for a reason. The fact that the girl is SO eager now to get back into a friendship with the boyfriend is what makes my spidey senses tingle.

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        ele4phant May 6, 2011, 2:10 am

        I can see where you are coming from, but I think you are reading in-between lines that don’t exist. People DO drift apart for no reason. Just based on my own experience, I drifted apart from many of my guy friends (and a lot of female friends too!) because, well, we graduated, got married, found jobs, made other friends, moved away, or any number of other reasons. You don’t need a momentous blow-up to drift apart from someone. Life happens. And, maybe all his other friends will be there because she came back to town or something and reconnected with not just him, but the whole group of mutual friends.

        Just the fact that she’s invited the girlfriend to a group event and the boyfriend has been nothing but straightforward really makes me think there’s no reason to worry. If she was calling him and trying to do things WITHOUT the girlfriend with just the two of them, and he was being secretative or evasive, then yes, I might be a little concerned. But come on, it’s party in which other people are coming, and to which the LW was invited. You really think something might be going on?

        Besides, at the end of the day it really comes down to if she trusts her guy or not. To me, I don’t care what any other woman is trying to do, I trust my boyfriend. From this letter, it sounds like the boyfriend (although maybe a little reactive and immature) has been nothing but honest and open with her.

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        Fairhaired Child May 6, 2011, 2:49 am

        There’s nothing in the letter that tells us readers “how eager” the female friend was to get in touch. It just seems (to me) a random text that lead to probably “hows life? …Where are you working? …any important SOs in your life?… What degree did you graduate with again? …I can’t believe its been this long! ….I’m having x,x,x,x and x from grade school over for a big party because of ___ do you want to come and bring your girlfriend?”

        I feel like a lot of people (not just trying to get on you britannia) feel like sudden contacts from opposite sexes MUST mean flirtation is going on. That includes when people have current really strong friendships with the opposite sex. For most of my life I’ve had best friends that were MALE. Not Female. I bonded better with them, there was less drama, and I was a tomboy so I didnt fit that “girl”category whenever males realize “omg there are boobs”. If I remember correctly one of my guy friends once saw me in a dress at a birthday party for someone recently and was like “___ I didnt realize you were a girl” as he oogled my goodies. Of course he was joking, but until i have that cleavage out, he never “considered” me as a female (target/gf) just one of the guys.

        So anyway, back to the LW. I agree with ele4phant, I think you could be reading too far into the lines where there could or could not be anything. Now if she was texting him a TON (which i dont get in this letter, I think the LW would have said something) or texing him at random hours (2am etc) and he would drop all things to respond to her. Then yeah, I would be concerned. But I think if something like that was happening the LW would have said something about it. (“HE even responded to her in the middle of us making out!” etc)

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      • bittergaymark

        bitter gay mark May 7, 2011, 2:59 am

        I totally agree. I speaks VOLUMES that so many on here are INSTANTLY suspicious of this girl whose only crime is a few text messages (trust me on this, if it had even been more than five or so, the LW would have been foaming at the mouth about it and described it all in perfect detail.) Oh, right, and she invited the guy AND his girlfriend to a party… Yeah, she totally wants bang hims sideways and steal him away for herself. Sssssesssh. Insecure much, ladies?

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        HmC May 7, 2011, 3:22 am

        What thread are you reading? In over 100 comments, I think I noticed 4 or 5 that even insinuated that they thought something shady *could* be going on with this girl, and they got purple thumbed like crazy. I don’t think that qualifies as “so many on here” and I certainly don’t think it “speaks VOLUMES” about anything. What are you saying it speaks volumes about anyway? Women? The more of your comments I read the more you seem to live up to the “bitter” part of your name. You seem really smart and funny, but you don’t seem to think much of women in general. Just from what I’ve read.

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        HmC May 7, 2011, 3:25 am

        Just saw your further explanation below- apologies I think I may have written this before that posted. Fair enough.

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      • bittergaymark

        bitter gay mark May 7, 2011, 3:32 am

        Was it really only four or five? It started to seem like every other post. But then insecurity always annoys me so much — it stands out like a sore thumb and it obliterates all shreds of sanity in it blinding glare of utter ignorance.

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        HmC May 7, 2011, 2:45 pm

        No one could ever accuse you of not being passionate, Mark. 🙂

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      • bittergaymark

        bitter gay mark May 7, 2011, 2:51 pm

        And I often admittedly take a hostile view of things as it’s simply so much more interesting to write. That said, I do honestly believe that far too many women on this board/world at large need to get control over their jealousies and insecurities… As those issues seem to come up again and again. And again.

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        HmC May 7, 2011, 3:48 pm

        (Wouldn’t let me respond to your latest comment)

        mark- I hear you. I really appreciate someone who isn’t pandering to the middle all the time and constantly afraid to offend. That’s what makes your comments interesting and politicians mind-numbingly horrible.

        And I definitely agree with you about insecurities and jealousies being a problem. I don’t know that I agree that those issues are so confined to women… and I think I get somewhat defensive over the opinions I’ve seen expressed here because, on the whole, I tend to be really impressed with them. But like you implied before, I think if you’re looking for something that is particularly irksome, I think you notice it more.

        Anyway, thanks for the interesting discourse.

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        Ali May 6, 2011, 8:50 am

        Maybe it’s just me, but just because the friend invited the LW doesn’t necessarily indicate that her intentions are pure. Obviously, we don’t have the whole picture, but there is a possibility that the friend is trying to get a read on thee LW’s relationship with the bf, or is trying to diffuse suspicion. Personally, I find it inappropriate for people who are in serious long-term relationships to suddenly pop up with brand new opposite-sex BFFs, and that includes people with whom they haven’t spoken in years–and I don’t know anyone in my group of friends, including my own boyfriend, who doesn’t share these feelings, but that may be because we’re all in our late 20s and early 30s. It’s one thing if you’ve been friends with someone all along, before you even started dating your significant other–that should give your bf/gf time to get to know the other person and get used to you having this friend in your life. But constantly texting just to chat with a new coworker or after friend like this girl after years of no communication is weird–if she were just texting to invite him to the party to catch up and that was the extent of it, then fine, but I know plenty of people who would feel uncomfortable with their significant other all of a sudden paying so much attention to someone who just came out of the woodwork. And more importantly, it would feel weird to me to aggressively communicate with someone like that when I know they have a girlfriend…just out of respect for the relationship, I wouldn’t be trying to have long, private conversations because it’s too complicated, even if there are no romantic feelings involved.

        That said, I agree with everyone else that the LW is being selfish and that it was extremely rude to suggest that they bail on plans they’d already agreed and RSVPed to just because she got a better offer. Regardless of her feelings about this girl, it is the LW’s responsibility to suck it up and go to the event that she originally agreed to, because otherwise she’s putting HER friend in front of her relationship. Maybe this whole thing will blow over once her bf and his friend have had some face time, and everyone will feel better about it when it’s time to hang out with the LW’s friend the next day.

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        Maracuya May 6, 2011, 10:50 am

        That’s also true, but we don’t have that information: why she popped up, how frequently she’s been texting the boyfriend (been texting implies more than once but if you’re having a “Hey, what’ve you been up to?” conversation over text you WILL be texted more than once), or if she’s consistently been friends with all his friends and now suddenly years later decided she wants to be bffs. I think the letter writer would have mentioned more suspicious activity like that.

        All in all, I think it’s sudden feelings of insecurity because she’s in an unfamiliar position (not knowing someone from her boyfriend’s past) and she wants some type of reassurance, but she’s going about it the wrong way.

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        anna728 May 6, 2011, 4:03 pm

        “Personally, I find it inappropriate for people who are in serious long-term relationships to suddenly pop up with brand new opposite-sex BFF”

        They aren’t becoming BFFs, just ordinary friends. It’s not out of the blue either if they have been close in the past.

        I don’t see anything that sounded aggressive on her part, either.

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        Fairhaired Child May 6, 2011, 7:49 pm

        agreed – i’m from a family where my dad had a lot of women friends, and my mom had a lot of male friends. And it was completely normal to think about being like “oh yeah i’m friends with ___’ who happened to be of the opposite sex.

        I can see Ali’s point that it’d be suspicious if the “newly rekindled friendship” was moving so fast and had a lot of “friend dates” – but i just don’t read that from this letter, I’m sure she would have been like “i’ve only met her once before but now my BF is hanging out with her at least twice a week” if something like that was the case. True the new friend could probably be “sizing up the relationship” between the two of them – but that could be because she wants to make sure that her friend is happy and in a healthy relationship – it doesn’t mean she’s sizing up the gf to be able to “Steal away the man”.

        Seriously if I dated someone who always second guessed my opposite-sex friends intentions I’d dump them for being insecure and for not trusting me.

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      • bittergaymark

        bitter gay mark May 7, 2011, 3:03 am

        God, again, the level of insecurity on this board is beyond depressing. Get a grip, ladies! Seriously! Is every other poster on here all of 14 years old? Maybe you should round up all the women your boyfriends have ever known and simply have them all shot? Wait, no. No, that wouldn’t do any good. Then you’d all just start fixating on the random gay dudes your boyfriends occasionally associate with.

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      • bittergaymark

        bitter gay mark May 7, 2011, 3:05 am

        The above post was directed solely at those that shared the same view that any woman who claimed to be friends with their boyfriend was instantly suspect…. Most of those above my post actually share my view… The “Ladies” I was referring to was NOT meant to include any of them….

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        SpaceySteph May 7, 2011, 7:58 am

        Hahaha, maybe its my current state of sleep deprivation but I find your bitterness absolutely hilarious this morning.

        Of course, I totally agree with those posters though, because my boyfriend is not allowed ANY friends of ANY gender once we start dating. He must focus on me alone or else he is a dirty rotten cheater.

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    sarolabelle May 5, 2011, 10:34 pm

    I have to say if I were in this situation I would tell your friend, “I’m sorry, I can’t go to the club with you that night because I already have plans. How about we go on one of the other 3 nights?”

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    Tirishman May 6, 2011, 5:16 am

    “Well I guess we’re not going then…”. Ah, the assumptive close. Works great in a sales negotiation, not so great in a relationship. Ultimately, it’s about a power dynamic. You are asserting power over your boyfriend, daring him to contradict you. I wonder what could make you want to assert your power over your boyfriend…

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    Blondie May 6, 2011, 8:36 am

    I would LOVE to see the comments if this were turns around. Can you imagine the outcry if a guy had made the demand? Oh you have to leave him, he is controlling/abusive/trying to separate you from your friends. I don’t really see this as being a different situation. When LW asks if this is a red flag, well, yeah, it is. For LW. If you are going to be that out of whack over your boyfriend talking to a friend, then it might be time to reassess both the relationship and the way you are interacting with people overall. His friend invited you too. If she was trying to be shady, you wouldnt have gotten the invite. Don’t push your own insecurities on to other people and then act like the wounded party.

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    • bittergaymark

      bitter gay mark May 7, 2011, 2:57 pm

      Note to Blondie: It seems we had the exact same idea as to what would happen here if a guy made the exact same demand… As I was posting my comments to others as I was reading through, I didn’t see your though until long after I posted mine — which now appear in the above thread earlier in such a way that it could appear to the casual reader that you are parroting me when you actually posted the thought first… Whoops… Sorry about that. Anyway, great minds DO think alike. 😉

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    Red_Lady May 6, 2011, 10:05 pm

    I love this. Wendy, you’re awesome!!

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    Sue Jones May 7, 2011, 4:02 pm

    LW you sound very insecure and the bossiness is unattractive. Let him go to the party alone that night and you go to the club with your girlfriend. No problem. If your relationship is unstable not going to last, nothing, I mean NOTHING and NO level of controlling behavior on your part will keep it together. If you want to show him that you are a secure and NON high maintenance girlfriend, potential wife, etc. chill out and let him do what he wants and you do what you want for that night. High maintenance controlling diva like spoiled and did I say controlling and insecure behavior on your part does not bode well for the relationship.

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    Boblahblah May 31, 2011, 12:35 am

    I don’t think you are out of line at all for being curious about this former friend’s sudden interest in your boyfriend. I think you were totally cool to accept an invitation to her party even though you don’t even know her. I think you are perfectly within reason to prefer catching up with your own gal-pal, in town for a very brief visit, over going to a stranger’s party no matter how noble your cause of wanting to support your BF by being nice to his old gal-pals. You’ve done nothing wrong by feeling the way that you feel.
    Expressing those feelings is where it gets tricky. I think it is important that you prevent this episode from degenerating into a power struggle in the relationship. Neither of you should acquiesce, you should both accommodate. Why don’t you go out with your friend from out of town early, and then head to your BF’s friend’s party afterward? This way your man will have had some one on one time with his old friend to catch up and hopefully tell her how amazing you are and how much he values your relationship. And, you can show up fashionably late looking fly with your friend there to support you and read the situation in a more objective light…Lastly, you can make damn sure that he comes home with you and doesn’t end up spending the night at old girls’ house 😀

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