My boyfriend has a female friend whom he used to be very close to, they fell out of touch. Recently, she ran into his brother at a bar and got my boyfriend’s number and began texting him. She proceeded to invite him to party and told him to bring me along. At the time, I agreed, but then I found out a friend of mine is coming into town only for that weekend and wants to go to this club we’ve been to before. So I told my boyfriend and he said “That’s the same night of my friends party…” and I told him “Well I guess we’re not going then…”
We then got into an argument because he said it was rude of me to cancel on his friend (whom I’ve met only once) and that he by no means was going to miss her party. I told him it wasn’t an important party like her birthday and that my friend was only going to be in town for four days. I tried to compromise saying we could make an appearance at her party first and then go to the club, but he told me no, he wanted to stay at her party because all his friends would be there and he had already promised her he’d go.
While I understand that he may have promised his “friend” this, I don’t understand why it’s SOOO important that he be there the whole time. He’s BARELY spoken to her in years and I think my relationship with him is more important than this girl. I’m willing to go to club alone and he can go to the party but I want to know if this is wrong in any way? Is he being selfish and uncompromising, or am I? Should I go to the party? Is this a *red flag*? Please help!! — Uncertain about Friendships
If he/you already made plans, it would be rude to cancel just because someone more important (to you) came along, so I agree with him on that point. And I also don’t think it’s asking too much that he go to the party early and head with you to the club later. But maybe he didn’t like the way you demanded that he do that. Maybe it rubbed him the wrong way and put him on the defense when the first thing you said when you realized your friend wanted to hang out on the same night as the party was “Well I guess we’re not going then…” Um, bossy much? No one likes to be talked to like that, so your boyfriend’s probably just trying to stand up to you and assert a little power in the situation. I don’t see why you can’t each do your own thing that night, but if it’s so important that he come with your to the club, why not apologize for being bossy, tell him how much it would mean if he came with you, and ask him again — this time nicely — if he’d reconsider going to his friend’s party for a little while and then to the club with you later.
Finally, what I suspect is really bothering you is that this “friend” of your boyfriend’s is a female. But, what you need to understand, is you acting bossy and territorial isn’t going to endear him to you. It’s going to do the opposite, and before you know it, you’re going to be one of those girls guys so sweetly refer to as “pyscho.” So, cool it with the jealousy, unless you truly feel you have reason to be jealous. And if you do, talk to you boyfriend about what’s really bothering you instead of acting out in ways that accomplish nothing but alienating him from you.