Over a year ago, I married the love of my life and seriously considered putting Devon in our wedding party. Devon has become great friends with my husband; they met about three years before we got married. About two years ago Devon started seriously dating this girl, Holly. She seemed great, though intense, and we had a few couple dates together. Holly came with Devon to our wedding a year ago, and Devon proposed about six months after that. Holly and I got together lots while they were planning their wedding. During a drunk moment with Holly, right before their wedding, I let slip that Devon and I had some of those awkward friends-thinking-about-being-something-else moments. Apparently, Devon never told Holly about them, and her reaction was to ban me from speaking with Devon ever again, including defriending me on Facebook.
I’m not sure what to do now. I don’t think I’m a threat to Holly and Devon’s relationship at all; I’m a happily married woman, and have been for over a year. Not to mention that I never thought of Devon romantically, and in the end we did little more than see each other naked and kiss on New Year’s Eve. I never hang out with Devon alone — always with someone, usually my husband…
It’s devastating to lose a friend. Any advice? — Friendly Foul
Good God, the last thing any woman needs in the weeks and days leading up to her wedding — a hyper-charged anxious, emotional and stressful time — is some other woman drunkenly replaying awkward intimate moments she had with her fiancé. Frankly, if I were Holly and you were telling me you once tried to be more than just friends with the guy I was about to marry, I probably wouldn’t feel too kindly towards you either. What were you thinking?! Even if Devon had told her about your brief attempt at romance, it would be utterly inappropriate for you to address it with Holly at all, let alone right before she’s about to get married.
This has nothing to do with you being a threat to Holly and Devon’s relationship, which, by the way, would have more to do with their union then your own, anyway (I mean, who cares if you’re happily married? Are you implying that if you weren’t, you would be a threat to them?? Have you considered that you aren’t a threat to their relationship because Devon is in love with Holly and doesn’t think about you in a romantic way?). This is about respect — something you showed a lack of when you went mouthing off just before their wedding. At this point, your best bet at getting back into the good graces of these people — and perhaps eventually rekindling a friendship with them — is to show that you do respect their relationship. For that, you’ll need to give them space and a genuine apology. Reach out to Devon first and apologize for sticking your big ol’ foot in your mouth. Tell him you don’t know what got into you and you’re mortified to have dampened in any way what should have been one of the happiest times in his life. Tell him that you understand if Holly doesn’t want to see or talk to you, but that you would be grateful to have the opportunity to apologize to her directly if and when she’s ready. And then leave them both alone. And don’t be surprised if you never hear from them again.
I know it’s rough to lose a friend. And it sucks that this happened. And maybe it seems like a big deal was made over something somewhat trivial, but the truth is you brought this on yourself. You did a dumb thing … and for no good reason. It was Holly and Devon’s moment. It was their time. It was a period of celebrating their union and you wedged yourself in there, in what seems to be some sort of attempt at marking your territory and making things about you. And now the damage is done, and you need to back off and let time do its thing. If you’re lucky, eventually this will blow over, everyone will move on and you’ll be able to have some sort of relationship with Devon again, though I wouldn’t count on ever being as tight as you once were. That ship, I’m afraid, has probably sailed.