From the forums:
At first, he told me he didn’t have the money, and I was understanding of this. However, he went out and purchased a drum kit (we are in a band together) a few months ago that cost FAR more than my ring. He even lied to his family and told them he had already got me a ring to avoid “awkward conversation” with his family about not having one!
This is all very upsetting. He bought the drum kit instead of a ring and this was even while I was pregnant (he proposed before I got pregnant). We ended up having a miscarriage. I feel as if I am going insane. We have a loving relationship and have been with each other for two years, so I do not understand why this is happening or why he is acting selfishly. I don’t care if the ring is five bucks — it’s simply an important symbol to me. I even gave him the option to break off the engagement (I assumed he no longer wanted to get married as he will not set a date or help plan) but he refused to do that. He talks about getting married all the time, but it is a lot of talk and no action, which has left me very, very confused.
I love the man, but I am trying to figure out how I am going to deal with someone who cannot be financially sound, as I am incredibly frugal. Help! — Engaged, But Still No Ring
A man — or woman, for that matter — who won’t set a wedding date, won’t help plan for the wedding, and can’t commit to buying even a $5 ring despite his partner’s repeated requests for one, doesn’t really want to get married. All he really wants is for you to be off the market so someone else can’t snatch you up. This “engagement” is nothing more than a place holder, holding you in place so you don’t wander off.
This isn’t about money; this is about a fear of commitment and a fear of losing something valuable. More than wanting to marry you, your boyfriend just doesn’t want to lose you/ be alone. In his mind, as long as there’s talk about a wedding, you have reason to stick with him. But the second he puts a ring on your finger or sets a date or starts making solid plans, things start getting real. And he doesn’t actually want the reality of a marriage. Not yet, anyway.
If I were you, I’d call off the engagement, which is as simple as telling your boyfriend you aren’t engaged anymore. And then tell him that if he wants to try again, he better have a ring for you and be prepared to marry you immediately (not that you have to get married immediately, but he should be prepared to, just in case). And if you’re someone who is anxious to settle down, decide how long you’re willing to wait for the commitment you want and, if you don’t get it by whatever date you decide is your deadline, then MOA.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.