Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Morning Quickie: “Am I Too Pretty For Him?”

Mirror-Kissing

For the past two years, I have been in a relationship with an overall great guy. He is thoughtful, supportive, and ambitious. The problem is I just am not attracted to him. Setting physical attraction aside, sex is a nightmare for me. I have sex to please him, and him only. I compliment him because I know he struggles with confidence, and I don’t like to think my displeasure makes it worse for him. But, honestly, just kissing him repulses me. I know I must sound like a total bitch, but I am typically not a shallow person.

It really became apparent for me when others noticed too. My family and friends have privately told me that I am “too pretty” to be with him, and although it hurts, I see truth in their words. This is the first guy who has really put so much effort into me; yet, I still look for more attractive guys. This guy talks of marrying me, and I am scared the feelings I have will never go away. I want to love and be loved, but I can’t seem to overcome the fact that he doesn’t complement me in the same ways I do him.

On the other hand, am I too blind to see what I am giving up, is he truly the right one for me? I make my own money, have a full-time job, and am almost finished with school. I feel like my life is finally coming together, but I just feel as though this one aspect is missing in my life. I want to have a deep sensual love that I believe everyone deserves. Please, please help me. — A Shallow Bitch

You don’t sound like a “shallow bitch” so much as you sound sort of not so bright. Why would you think this guy is “truly the right one” for you when the thought of kissing him repulses you? Why does it “hurt” to hear the “truth” that you’re simply “too pretty” for your boyfriend? What does that even mean? Too pretty for what? Do you think if you were less pretty, then you’d enjoying kissing and having sex with your boyfriend? Maybe, instead of your being “too pretty,” the problem is actually that you don’t have chemistry with your boyfriend. Does that sound plausible? Maybe?

Look, if a “deep, sensual love” is what you’re looking for — hell, if sex that doesn’t feel like a nightmare is appealing to you — then you have to break up with your boyfriend. But don’t blame your incompatibility — or nightmare sex! — on your being “too pretty.” Unless you’re an actress auditioning for the role of the mousy third sister in a period drama on PBS, there’s probably nothing you’re truly “too pretty” for.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

20 comments… add one
  • Raccoon eyes

    Raccoon eyes March 15, 2016, 9:29 am

    WWS x 1000.
    *
    LW… Do you honestly think that this guy is the only man out there for you?!?!? The fact that you are hoping for “a deep sensual love that [you] believe everyone deserves” is wholly contradictory with your statements about your BF. MOA already so you both can find ppl more compatible. You dont need some drawn out reason to break up, involving abuse or *ssholery or even the alignment of the stars. “This isnt working. I am breaking up with you,” is more than sufficient. DO IT.

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  • avatar

    RedRoverRedRover March 15, 2016, 9:46 am

    This has absolutely nothing to do with looks (yours or his) and everything to do with attraction and chemistry. If you have chemistry with someone, it doesn’t matter if other people see him as the Hunchback of Notre Dame or as Prince Charming. All that matters is your attraction to him and his to you. If there is no attraction on one side, as is the case here, then the relationship just can’t work out, no matter how “great” this guy is otherwise. Go find someone you’re attracted to.

    And if anyone’s shallow, it’s your family and friends. What a rude thing to say! Not to mention just plain dumb, because as I said your relative attractiveness isn’t the issue here.

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  • avatar

    Ron March 15, 2016, 10:10 am

    “You’re too pretty for him” is right up there with the old canards “but surely you can’t be dating a man who’s shorter than you”, or who earns less, or who went to a less prestigious school, or who doesn’t already own his own house, or who is of a different religion, or skin color, or caste. Really just tune these people out of your future dating life. I say future, because you need to MOA from your bf. Likely nothing wrong with him, but he’s not for you if it repulses you to kiss him. I’m so amazed that you would stay with him, based on your description of your relationship, that I question the sincerity of your letter. When your description of your relationship reads as being that ‘off’, you’ve got a serious problem. If you are genuine, then of course it is fine for you to MOA.

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  • avatar

    blink14 March 15, 2016, 10:21 am

    ” This is the first guy who has really put so much effort into me, yet, I still look for more attractive guys. ”

    That is exactly the issue here – you entered into a relationship with the first guy to really pursue you, regardless of the fact that you are clearly not attracted to him. Its completely normal for you to not be attracted to someone who is attracted to you. What isn’t the norm is to stay with that person, because really, you are leading him on.

    You can think someone is has a great personality, is ambitious, has their life together, etc, but if there is no physical attraction at all on your end, then don’t date that person. Reading between the lines here, it sounds like you have some issues with self-confidence, and having this guy pursue you and stay in a relationship with you is self-validating for you.

    Move on. Be single and learn how to be confident in yourself, don’t disrespect this guy, and yourself, by staying in a relationship just because it looks good on paper.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo March 15, 2016, 10:30 am

    Yeah, you’re too pretty for him. Tell him you are, and go find yourself someone as pretty as you. He can then go find some poor ugly dumb lump that he can be worthy of loving. Why are you with him if he repulses you? Are you just using him to feel good, the super pretty kind one who pities mere mortals like him? There are two issues here. One, you are not attracted to him. That alone is the reason why you should not be wasting his time and toying with his apparently real feelings. Two, you think you are too pretty for him or anybody. That is the reason you probably shouldn’t waste anyone’s time with a love relationship until you sort your values out. because your attitude is just not pretty. At all.

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  • avatar

    Steph March 15, 2016, 11:01 am

    Looks aren’t everything. You do have to feel attracted to a man and chemistry with him, but looking at a man that you think is more attractive doesn’t mean anything. He could be an asshole.

    An old guy friend of mine extremely hot! A few of my ex boyfriends were extremely intimidated by him, but he was the worst boyfriend on the planet and I was not attracted to him at all because of how he treated his girlfriends. He was a great friend, but not a good boyfriend. At first I did think he was attractive and we were FWB, and then even the thought of having the benefits with him was repulsive because of how he treats women. We then were just friends for a while but even that got to be too much.

    So while I do think you need to break up with your boyfriend because you are missing chemistry and you are not attracted to him, remember that those “more attractive guys” you are looking at, aren’t always a real catch either.

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  • avatar

    Stillrunning March 15, 2016, 11:03 am

    You’re using “I’m too pretty for him,” as a reason to break up. Do both of you a favor and break up.

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  • avatar

    Vathena March 15, 2016, 11:10 am

    What in the actual fuck. Why would you stay with someone for TWO YEARS if you weren’t attracted to them? BTW, a person can be Attractive without being Pretty. It’s all in the eye of the beholder. I think maybe he’s not the only one struggling with confidence here, if you think you can’t do any better than a person you find repulsive. To top it off, you are treating him horribly by leading him on, and letting him think you might get married! Let him go so you can BOTH find a “deep sensual love”.

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    • Raccoon eyes

      Raccoon eyes March 15, 2016, 12:48 pm

      Agreed. I was the first to comment up top, and was just telling myself not to be mean… but yeah. What the frickitty frack?!? Poor dude, he MUST have noticed this.

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  • avatar

    Northern Star March 15, 2016, 11:14 am

    If you love someone, the thought of kissing him or having sex with him (barring a hygiene problem) isn’t repulsive. It’s been two years, and you simply don’t love this guy. Move on.

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  • FireStar

    Firestar March 15, 2016, 11:29 am

    Are you too pretty for him? Is he too good for you? Isn’t that all spin? There is no chemistry – move on. Truly, you should have moved on by the third/fourth date…so why didn’t you? A man treating well shouldn’t have been an anomaly.

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  • Cassie

    Cassie March 15, 2016, 12:24 pm

    LW, going to agree with everyone else that being ‘too pretty’ or not isn’t the issue. Attraction is the issue. It really doesn’t matter what you look like or what your boyfriend looks like. While he may be good on paper and a great person, it’s valid to want attraction and chemistry. Where you’re getting mixed up is thinking it has anything to do with how you look.
    .
    Here’s my example: I’ve had objectively ‘hot’ guys who wanted to date me–and I wasn’t attracted to them because of one reason or another. I’ve also had plain or objectively unattractive guys who I was completely drawn to–some of them because they were hilarious, or incredibly kind, etc. And while they may not have been ‘hot’ in others’ eyes, I found those guys incredibly attractive and had great chemistry with them.
    .
    When you find someone who is a good guy, cares about you, and you have chemistry with–then that’s the person you should be in a long term relationship with. It really has nothing to do with how pretty or unattractive you personally are.

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  • avatar

    Eelliinnss March 15, 2016, 12:26 pm

    A few things with this one.

    First: I have been told I’m “too pretty” for someone before. It wasn’t flattering, it sucked. Why? Because the people telling me that just assumed I was using him, that there was no other reason to be with him. It was insulting to him, and to me, and it was uncool. Anyone who would point that out to you is a tactless jerk. But, you agreeing with them makes you a tactless jerk also.

    Second: You clearly don’t like him anymore (did you ever?) and that’s fine. No really, it’s okay! It’s not your fault you’re not attracted to him, but it is your fault for treating him like crap. Cut the guy loose, you’re being cruel sticking around with someone who repulses you just because you feel sorry for him. He may be upset at first (since you are so, so pretty) but breaking it off will soon be the kindest thing you’ve ever done for him.

    Third: From your attitude I assume you are young so this will likely breeze through your head without notice, but I’ll try anyway. As a person hoping to find a life-long commitment in marriage, try to understand that kindness, and the type of person someone is inside, mean so much more than their stupid face. The handsomest man in the world could get in a car accident and lose half his nose. Does that mean you’d stop loving him? (You might, idk you). My point is, get over yourself. Attraction is a big part of love, but it isn’t the only thing, or even the first thing you should look for.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo March 15, 2016, 12:52 pm

    If anybody out there is around the same age as me (that is, far too old to be the least bit concerned about how pretty anyone is), maybe you’ve had the same thing happen to you. Ever since I read this, I’ve had “Pretty Vacant” by the Sex Pistols running through my head. Does anyone remember that song? “We’re so pretty, oh so pretty… VACANT!” This was the punk take on beauty: ugly is pretty because ugly is true and pretty is lies, and truth is more beautiful and lasts longer than lies. I think repulsion says more about the repulsed than the repulsive. Signed, Repulsive.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark March 15, 2016, 7:02 pm

    Too pretty? Really? Send in a pic. Usually the people who THINK they are the most pretty actually aren’t. That said — break up with him. He deserves to be with somebody who isn’t repulsed by him. To even think otherwise — yeah, that makes you seem about as bright as a one watt bulb.

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  • avatar

    Sketchee March 15, 2016, 7:25 pm

    The only people you might be too pretty are these family and friends who are advising you. Let them know that their comments are ugly. And although you are moving on from this relationship, let them know they will be kinder to the people that you choose to bring into your life if they want to be part of yours.

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  • avatar

    cyndi March 15, 2016, 8:57 pm

    please let this poor guy go- he deserves better than this- so do you- two years is too long to be stringing someone along. break up him with already.

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  • avatar

    Brise March 16, 2016, 5:12 am

    You don’t know yourself, you seem disconnected with your own emotions. You don’t make the difference between what you feel (why you feel like this), and what other people think, which shouldn’t matter so much. Why do you feel repulsed? Did this feeling grow over time, or was it immediate? It sounds impossible to date a man who repulses you: normally, this feeling is instantaneous, it is yes or no when it comes to dating. So why did you date him? Or did you get fed up little by little? Is he selfish as a lover, inexperienced? Have you communicated about sex? I think that the fact you have to boost his self-esteem is not sexy for you. And I hear attachment in the description you make of his great personality. Perhaps you should investigate a bit, in yourself, these emotions.
    And give up the hotness scale: too pretty… This is a reduction of the person, yourself included. You won’t go far if you rate people like this. Everybody looks at good-looking people. But if you love your partner, you should feel a certain charm in his looks, something that works for you – whatever the social norms… And you should stand up for your couple if people dare to criticize (unless there is abuse, of course).
    Good luck in this self-discovery. It is part of growing, certainly.

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  • avatar

    Essie March 16, 2016, 8:14 am

    OMG. The reason he lacks confidence in bed is that he can tell you’re not attracted to him. HE CAN TELL. When someone’s really attracted to you, you know. It’s obvious. The reverse is also true.

    Please, for the love of God, break up with this guy, today, so he can be with someone who values him.

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  • avatar

    hazel March 17, 2016, 5:14 am

    I would just like to point out that it must be very confusing for young women these days- being constantly told to love themselves and their bodies, and to express body positivity at all times, and then, when they do see themselves as attractive, everybody scorns them for thinking of themselves as pretty. The L.W. is obviously very young, for all we know looks like Angelina Jolie, cut her some slack. I do agree with the advice, though, obviously she should leave him, and get out there and hopefully find someone she does feel something for. Who will probably not be pretty either, just the right person.

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