Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Morning Quickie: “My Boyfriend Wants Me to Give Up My Son”

Today is the sixth anniversary of the launch of Dear Wendy! Thank you for being part of this community and for continuing to spend some of your time here. I’m so grateful! Here’s today’s column:

I’m a 30-year-old divorcee with a son. I have joint custody with my ex-husband. My boyfriend, who is also divorced, has a daughter who is under the sole custody of his ex-wife. I only get to spend time with my son on alternate weekends and my boyfriend doesn’t see his daughter at all. My boyfriend already proposed to me, but, one month after proposing, he wants me to give up seeing my son. I did tell him that my parents want to spend time with my son too and they can only do that on the alternate weekends I see him. He told me that he wants to go overseas to work and meanwhile I can use this period to think about whether I want to give up my son for him. I have thought of giving up my son after we married, but how am I supposed to answer to my parents? My mother has depression and my father has cancer. I don’t want them to be sad knowing that they will lose a grandson. My boyfriend told me when we started dating that he could not accept my son, and I know not all men can. I’m actually prepared to give up my son after marriage, but my boyfriend wants me to do it right now. I want to be with my boyfriend and yet I can’t bear to let my parents feel sad because of their illnesses. I also have a mother’s guilt in me because my son loves me so much. What should I do? — Feeling Stuck

 
Yeah, no shit you have “mother’s guilt.” You’re willing to give up the little bit of time you have with your son, which is already a depressingly small amount, for a monster of a man who doesn’t see his own child and doesn’t think you should see yours? Shame on you. Are you so lonely and so desperate for a husband that you would cast away your own child? Apparently so. Please, please get yourself to therapy and figure out what the fuck is wrong with you that you would behave in such an appalling, disgraceful way. I’m not even touching on your parents. That you would use them and their illnesses as the main reason to maybe keep seeing your son occasionally speaks volumes. Get help.

I’m a 29-year-old woman in a relationship with a 36-year-old man who is in the process of getting divorced. We knew each other from high school school, but we only recently started seeing each other again when his marriage failed. He was married for two years and has a two-year-old daughter. He’s a wonderful man and father, but sometimes he gets really worked up and stressed over little things and I think it’s the divorce, though he has assured me he doesn’t want to go back to his wife. He has invited me to go to the beach with him and his ex sister-in-law (his ex-wife-to-be’s sister) and her husband and the kids, but I’m not sure this is a good idea; I think the SIL will just want to check me out and then go tell her sister about me. What do I tell him? I just don’t think it’s a good idea to go, especially since he is not divorced yet. — The New Girl

 
Tell him you aren’t comfortable socializing with his wife’s sister — that you think it’s inappropriate and will not be comfortable socializing with her at least until after his divorce is finalized and maybe not until long after that. If I were you, I would tread very carefully here. You’re dealing with a man who has questionable judgment at best, is not yet divorced, has a toddler (whose custody maybe has yet to be determined?), and who gets “really worked up and stressed over little things.” If I were you, I’d put the brakes on this relationship until he’s moved on from some of the major stressors in his life, like finalizing his divorce, and can devote emotional energy to a new relationship.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

93 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Arra January 24, 2017, 10:00 am

    I’m always hoping that letters like these are made up….that people really can’t be that self absorbed and stupid.

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    • avatar

      Jane February 20, 2017, 12:47 am

      Holy shit r you right… I prayer they r not real… bc this is once again why we have an orange Cheeto dictator for president……

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  • avatar

    artsygirl January 24, 2017, 10:02 am

    LW1-I disagree with Wendy, because honestly if you are such a selfish, immature, and miserable excuse of a mother that you would even consider giving up all contact with your son for your new partner, then he likely is better off without you in his life. Hopefully his father is a good and supportive parent who can insure that your child is raised with love and support despite your obvious deficiencies.

    LW2- A) how did you know someone in high school with a 7 year age gap? Was he a teacher or coach? B) agree 110% with Wendy, put a break on the relationship until after he sorts out his previous one. Then you will be better able to judge if his behavior is a symptom of stress or his actual personality.

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    • avatar

      Ale January 24, 2017, 10:18 am

      Exactly. Leave the son to someone who genuinely cares.

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    • avatar

      Marcie January 24, 2017, 10:35 am

      I just came here to comment on the age gap! That’s gross.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph January 24, 2017, 10:50 am

        Yeah if you’re 25 and he’s 32, 7 years is not a big deal. If you’re 16 and he’s 23, though, that’s definitely verging on predatory.

        When I was a senior in college I dated a freshman, and it was ok while we were both in school but like the minute I graduated the difference of 3 years became the Grand Canyon.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy January 24, 2017, 12:12 pm

      Good catch on the age gap and what that meant in high school!

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    • avatar

      Sara March 22, 2017, 3:01 pm

      I cant believe that she would even ask this question if the man does not except your son and you truly are going to give him up and is ok with it people like you dont have the right to call themselves a mother and if i were ever in your position my son would and always will be my first choice he has been since i gave birth to him at the age of 14 im 32 now!! I know how hard life is but im sorry u need help to think this is ok i pray u get it.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 January 24, 2017, 10:15 am

    LW1: I don’t think I’ve hated somebody so much in my life.

    LW2: WWS

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  • Lianne

    Lianne January 24, 2017, 10:22 am

    LW1 this may be the saddest letter I’ve ever read on here. I can’t even fathom what kind of a fucked up (drug induced?) head space you could be in to feel so disconnected from your son – your flesh and blood, you carried him for nine months. I just don’t get it. WWS and WES. You need severe help and your son deserves SO MUCH better.

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  • avatar

    Hannanas January 24, 2017, 10:26 am

    LW 1: Pretty sure you’ll end up on the news some day, as the enabler of a psychopath boyfriend.
    Step away and let your son enjoy his dad full time – without a shitty mom in his life. Also, don’t make any more kids.

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 January 24, 2017, 10:34 am

      Yeah that’s going to be great when to idiots who hate kids have a kid together. And I’m not saying everyone who doesn’t want kids are idiots, or hates them, just specifically these two.

      The people who really don’t want kids, are smart enough to not have them.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 January 24, 2017, 10:34 am

        two idiots.

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    • Cleopatra Jones

      Cleopatra Jones January 24, 2017, 10:53 am

      When I read LW #1’s story…all I could think of was that this sounded a whole lot like how Susan Smith’s story began. I can’t for the life of me understand why she’s dating a man who obviously does not want any children in his life. Not even his own child.
      .
      LW, 1) Hand over full custody to your child’s father. 2) Break up with that douche bag BF. Let him go off to the wilds of Africa if he wants but DO NOT follow him. If you do, you are signing up for a lifetime of crazy filled with impossible requirements for being in a relationship with him. Sprinkled with mental and emotional abuse, control, and manipulation. 3) Get yourself into therapy, and stay there until you understand just how fucked up this situation is.

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      • avatar

        Hannanas January 24, 2017, 2:09 pm

        I wasn’t familiar with the Susan Smith case (not from the US) but it’s definitely what I meant. People who lack compassion and the most basic of emotions are a danger, especially when used by other psychopaths.
        … What the hell happened to this LW?

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      • avatar

        dinoceros January 24, 2017, 6:31 pm

        Yeah, I was thinking a Casey Anthony kind of thing. If she had full custody, I think this would have turned out a lot worse than her just abandoning him.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. January 24, 2017, 10:44 am

    Wow, LW1. Your boyfriend told you straight up when you were dating that he couldn’t accept your son and you continued to date him anyway? (I’ll give him credit, he’s an asshole, but he’s an honest one.) And now you want to marry him? If I had kids, this would be a no-brainer-deal-breaker . I’m with everyone else, give the kid to his dad, at least he’ll have a chance. And don’t have any more kids ever if this is how you feel about them.

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  • juliecatharine

    Juliecatharine January 24, 2017, 10:49 am

    LW1 Jesus wept. How can anyone be so nonchalant about abandoning their child??? I am wracked with guilt when I have to travel for work because I have to leave my DOG. Never ever ever have another child. Your womb should be salted scorched earth. Fucking a.

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    • avatar

      Ale January 24, 2017, 11:02 am

      Like, if I dated a guy who hates cats and tells me that I have to get rid of them (I have two) that’d be the end of it. And this woman plans to give away her child? No way

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      • juliecatharine

        Juliecatharine January 24, 2017, 12:01 pm

        Totally Ale. My husband loves our cats and dog as much as I do–if he didn’t he wouldn’t be my husband. I cannot fathom dating or even associating with someone who ditched their kid and wanted their SO to do the same.

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    • avatar

      artsygirl January 24, 2017, 2:42 pm

      Thinking about it, I would never ever even remotely consider dating someone that had no contact with their minor child especially by choice. Any decent human being should be willing to move heaven and earth to insure they had a loving relationship with their children despite any bitterness or difficultly regarding past relationships, distance, or new obligations.

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  • avatar

    SpaceySteph January 24, 2017, 10:55 am

    What a letter for the 6th anniversary! Also I feel really old right now because I’ve been reading since The Frisky.

    LW1: you are a horrible person. Your boyfriend is also a horrible person. You two deserve each other, but your children deserve so much better. Also, you should both get fixed so you and your awful future husband don’t have any more children to abandon in the future.

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    • avatar

      MissDre January 24, 2017, 4:15 pm

      I have also been reading since The Frisky!!!

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  • avatar

    dinoceros January 24, 2017, 11:02 am

    LW1: My initial reaction was to say not to give up seeing your son and to comment on how terrible your boyfriend is. But then I thought about it and the only reasons you gave for continuing to see him was for your parents, which makes it pretty clear that you must not love him or actually want to see him on your own. Having both parents around in some form is generally good for a child, but not if one of their parents doesn’t care about you. At this point, do whatever you want. I hope that if he hasn’t already, your ex marries someone who can be a real mom.

    LW2: It’s not a great idea to date someone who isn’t completely divorced, for reasons like this.

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  • GertietheDino

    GertietheDino January 24, 2017, 11:06 am

    LW – How does the math work out if you have a 7 year ago gap and you knew each other in high school? You were in elementary/middle school when he was a senior…

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark January 24, 2017, 11:06 am

    Artsygirl beat me to it. LW1 should give up her son. What THE FUCK was she doing to ever have a child to begin with? But seriously? Sadly. Truly. The kid WILL be better off without this wretch. Besides, if she were to give up Mr Dreamboat she will undoubtedly only resent her son and God only knows what horrors that may lead to…. NEWSFLASH! She is perhaps — hands down! — the most despicable person to ever write in a letter to DW.
    .
    LW2) Aim higher. But honestly? Socializing with the sisterinlaw is the LEAST of your worries with this guy.

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  • kmtthat

    kmtthat January 24, 2017, 11:11 am

    LW I reiterate what Wendy says “figure out what the fuck is wrong with you.”
    .
    Again, FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

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  • avatar

    Janelle January 24, 2017, 11:13 am

    LW1: If you are even remotely considering giving up your son for some idiot then you are a monster and the child would likely be better without you anyway. Your only concern is your parents not seeing him? NOT YOU NOT SEEING YOUR OWN CHILD!!! WHAT The actual F%#$$K is wrong with you!

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  • avatar

    Essie January 24, 2017, 11:34 am

    LW1: I’m sure your parents will understand when you give up your child, they probably know better than anyone how desperate, pathetic and empty you are. Your son will be sad, but with therapy he’ll probably eventually be able to live with the fact that his own mother doesn’t want him.

    And all of them will be better off without you in their lives. Much better off. Sign over custody to your son’s father, and go off with your sociopathic fiance. But please, take the time to get your tubes tied first so you never, ever bring another child into this world to inflict pain on.

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  • FireStar

    Firestar January 24, 2017, 11:47 am

    Yes. Lw1. Give up your son. Legally. Do it now. Tell his father you want to surrender your parental rights. Meet with a lawyer. The sooner the better.
    Your parents raised you. Honestly I’m not broken up about about the kid not having access to any of your gene pool. If they are good people, and find you as disappointing a human as the rest of us, then hopefully the dad will allow their presence in his son’s life. I hope you’ve rendered yourself permanently infertile. The fuck.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros January 24, 2017, 12:11 pm

      Yeah. At the very least, surely her parents understand what a terrible parent she is and want better for their grand kid. Anybody who wants their kid to stay connected with a mom who doesn’t love them out of worry for their own time with the kid is incredibly selfish.

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  • avatar

    Fyodor January 24, 2017, 12:14 pm

    Regarding LW1 I hope that that kid has a good father and/or stepmother who can make up for the deficit in his life.

    Regarding LW2, I don’t think that it’s clear that she *dated* him in high school, only that they knew each other.

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    • avatar

      Rebecca January 24, 2017, 12:42 pm

      “but only recently started seeing each other again”

      It’s the “again” that does it.

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  • avatar

    keyblade January 24, 2017, 12:16 pm

    I think the first letter should do as her boyfriend did and give her ex full custody. Hopefully, her son has a half-way decent father who will do more for the child than this letter writer is willing. But I think she should be on the hook for financial support. If she has any sense of decency at all, it is the least she can do until her ex has someone in his life willing to be a full parent to their child. As for the guilt? She should live with it and use it as motivation to get a full tubal ligation before moving. Her self-administered “punishment” should be acknowledgment that she is unfit for any do-over children with her equally narcissistic boyfriend. She should have no expectations that her son will want to know or connect to her later in life when all the work of his raising is completed devoid of any effort or hands-on contribution from the letter writer. That would be the best case I would hope for from this letter writer. If she isn’t a person who is connected enough to her child’s experience for full out abandonment not to unthinkable, perhaps he is better off without her.

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  • avatar

    Waverly January 24, 2017, 12:17 pm

    My 17 month old daughter is my world… I literally had tears in my eyes reading that. How absolutely heartbreaking for that little boy, but I also agree that he would be better off without having her in his life.

    The damage from a mother who is not around is probably less than one who is around but is completely checked out…

    I just want to hug my daughter right now

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  • avatar

    Kate January 24, 2017, 12:33 pm

    O M G LW 1. What is wrong with you and your boyfriend? This is not normal or human at all. Jesus. My husband’s stepdad can be a pain in our butt, but you know what? He happily stepped in to dating a single mom of a little boy back in 1977 and decided to fully embrace being that boy’s DAD. He’s still doing it 40 years later. No one else was man enough to do it, including whoever his bio dad even is. What Wendy said: your boyfriend is a monster, not a man. And you’re really messed up,

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  • avatar

    Rebecca January 24, 2017, 12:40 pm

    Is “knew each other from high school” code for “he failed a grade three times” or “he was one of my teachers”? Because it’s one of the two…

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    • avatar

      artsygirl January 24, 2017, 2:25 pm

      There was a guy in my 8th grade class who literally was able to drive himself to graduation because he had failed so many times. He was unable to play on any of the sports teams because he was too old. He promptly knocked up another girl from our class during their freshman year of high school. Hadn’t thought of them in years, but your comment reminded me of that whole hot mess.

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      • avatar

        artsygirl January 24, 2017, 2:44 pm

        should read “knocked up a girl from our class” since it currently reads like he and I had a kid *shudder*

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      • avatar

        Rebecca January 24, 2017, 2:59 pm

        I wish I could not be cracking up…but I’m cracking up. Geez…take the optional dropout at 16 and try again later. Nothing at all wrong with trying again later. *sigh*

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  • avatar

    Ron January 24, 2017, 12:42 pm

    Nothing to add to the comments on pathetic LW1.

    For LW2: I wouldn’t be so quick to assume that his getting really worked up and stressed over little things is the result of divorce pressure and will go away once his divorce is final. More likely, this is who he is and this is the unacceptable trait which doomed his first marriage. In the best case, you should assume that when you, or you and he, have shared problems (financial, health of a family member, etc.) that he is going to be a millstone, rather than a source of comfort and help. Also, best case is that this guy isn’t remotely ready to be dating again.

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    • Stonegypsy

      Stonegypsy January 25, 2017, 10:57 am

      I don’t know, when I was going through a divorce I was a mess emotionally. I did get stressed out really easily and worked up over little things. It was an amicable, easy divorce, but I was still an emotional rollercoaster. I can’t imagine that it’s uncommon

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  • avatar

    for_cutie January 24, 2017, 12:43 pm

    Did anyone else pick up on the “my son loves me so much.” No mention of loving the son back, or even any fondness there. Award for the worst human to ever write into DW goes to…. LW1.

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    • avatar

      Taylor January 24, 2017, 2:50 pm

      Right?! That was so so sad. That poor kid.

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  • avatar

    McLovin January 24, 2017, 12:46 pm

    “I also have a mother’s guilt in me because my son loves me so much. What should I do? ”

    Are you fucking serious? That you’re even considering removing yourself entirely from your child’s life makes you a monster. This isn’t a pet, it’s not a car that isn’t reliable and needs to be upgraded. You’re talking about a human being. One that you created. And you’re willing to give up every bit of that relationship all because you want to be with a man that is every bit as fucked up as you are? You’re not deciding where you want to go on vacation, or to dinner, or where to work. You’re actually saying that your child is an inconvenience to you and your boyfriend. That makes you a miserable human being.

    For the kids sake, I hope you do remove yourself entirely. Hopefully his fear of being abandoned again in the future is microscopic in comparison to your life of overwhelming guilt and misery.

    #WorstMomEver
    #FuckIsWrongWithYou

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  • avatar

    Lamia January 24, 2017, 12:51 pm

    WES for LW1. If the grandparents are interested, depending on the state, they can look into Grandparents’ Rights. Hopefully they aren’t as heartless as their daughter.

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  • avatar

    Anonymousse January 24, 2017, 12:54 pm

    You all have said how this makes me feel. What a psychopath. That poor boy deserves so much more than you, LW1.

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  • avatar

    saneinca January 24, 2017, 12:58 pm

    LW1, whatever pathetic life you are planning to have with your boyfriend, you two sociopaths should never have children.

    Before heading abroad, both of you head to a clinic and get vasectomy and tubectomy asap.

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    • Kate B.

      Kate B. January 24, 2017, 1:19 pm

      Yeah, I seldom advocate forced sterilization, but there are always exceptions…

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  • avatar

    ArgyllWisp January 24, 2017, 1:09 pm

    I’m not a huge fan of LW1, but I don’t like all the comments about people that don’t want kids being monsters. So people that put up kids for adoption are monsters because they “abandoned” them? With very little to go on it sounds to me like LW1 may have stayed in the kid’s life because of family pressure. Boyfriend aside, she should really consider removing herself from the picture altogether because of her lack of maternal attachment.

    If she does like being a mom, and the whole reason she would walk out of her kid’s life is to keep the bf, then yeah she’s a huge douche-canoe. It shouldnt be at all pursuant to whether they are married or not.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph January 24, 2017, 1:54 pm

      People who don’t want kids and take necessary precautions to not have them are not monsters.
      People who don’t want kids, accidentally get pregnant and get abortions are not monsters.
      People who don’t want kids, accidentally get pregnant and give their child up for adoption in order to give them a shot at loving parents who want them are not monsters.
      People who have a kid, pawn the kid off on their ex for the majority of the time, and then tell a story of how the only reason they are still in their kid’s life is because their parents want visitation rights but really they’d rather go travel the world with their new man… those people are monsters.

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      • avatar

        Janelle January 24, 2017, 3:45 pm

        People who abandon their children for asshole men are monsters.

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      • avatar

        Ron January 24, 2017, 4:46 pm

        women or men who abandon their children for new non-asshole SO are also failed human beings.

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    • avatar

      artsygirl January 24, 2017, 2:14 pm

      The LW is a shitty mother hands down. According to her letter she is completely apathetic about the emotional well-being of her son. On one hand, she continues her very limited visitation solely for the benefit of her ill parents and on the other she is fine with dropping all parental responsibility simply because the new man in her life decided she should. I am less indifferent about dinner choices than she is about her child.

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 January 24, 2017, 3:37 pm

      people who say things like “I’m actually prepared to do give him up after marriage” and “I have thought of giving up son after we married” is a monster

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    • avatar

      Northern Star January 24, 2017, 4:10 pm

      Perhaps you would prefer the term “sociopath?” Because LW1 is devoid of human feeling toward a son who she says loves her (and apparently has found a hideous kindred spirit in her fiancé). Sociopath, monster, soulless bitch… whatever communicates this concept works.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros January 24, 2017, 6:29 pm

      What the others said. Surely you realize that this situation is not the same as someone simply choosing not to have kids or putting a child up for adoption?

      I agree that people who are not good parents should not be in the picture. But that’s not something to applaud them for. That’s the lesser of two evils. I think it’s appropriate to expect that someone who gets pregnant makes a decision whether they want to be a parent prior to actually being active in their child’s life. The other issue is that the LW has given no indication that she even cares. She seems to have no idea or interest in the fact that this will be very hurtful for her son to not have a mom anymore (specifically since he already knows her).

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  • avatar

    Miss MJ January 24, 2017, 1:38 pm

    Damn. It’s weird how everybody is misspelling “Soulless Cunt” as “LW1” today.

    LW1, please, relinquish your rights to your son. He’s absolutely better off without someone like you in his life. Then go off to the wilds with your equally narcissistic, sociopathic, dickhole of a boyfriend. You two deserve each other. (And don’t have any more kids. Jesus.)

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    • avatar

      artsygirl January 24, 2017, 2:45 pm

      I just snorted my coffee

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  • avatar

    jmarie January 24, 2017, 1:47 pm

    I thank God that your son has a stable and hopefully loving parent in his dad. I thank God that your fiancé’s child has a stable and hopefully loving mother. Your longing for personal love and fulfillment at the expense of your son (and yourself) is not healthy for either of you. I have a sick feeling in my heart and stomach to think of innocent children entrusted to either one of you. Your son loves you. He is your son. You do not seem to have maternal feeling worthy of him or yourself. I think you should go to therapy or a 12 Step group for Co-Dependency. The fact that your craving the love of this man (who does not have a healthy relationship with his daughter, who is attempting to control you in the most important arena and by that I mean the parent child relationship) is causing you to think of abandoning your son (with guilt and reaching out for hem to this column) leads me to believe that your desires for receiving love for yourself have clouded your perception of who you really are. There is hope in that 12 Step Group; other members who have done crazy detrimental things for “love”; their experience, strength and hope can lead you to a spiritual solution and back to yourself: you might gain a healthy relationship with a God of your understanding, with yourself and with others. I suggest this group because you know (in the heart of your guilt) as do all the other commentators that the love of a child and the needs of a child trumps those of a controlling and demanding fiancé– I suggest co dependency because he is emotionally blackmailing you with his “love” and your feelings about “love” are so misguided and against yourself and your son you are considering abandoning the most important relationship in your life. I suggest co dependency because your decision making is bound up in others’ needs –and not the right needs which are your son’s needs and your needs. Instead you refer to your fiancé (dump this toxic man) and your (physically ill) parents.
    There is hope, maturity and confidentiality in that 12 Step Group. I hope it brings you clarity for this situation and for all the ones to come. I pray for your son, that he who is vulnerable, is loved, secure and safe.

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  • Monkeysmommy

    Monkeysmommy January 24, 2017, 2:00 pm

    I have never wanted to vagina punch a LW more than I do right now. OMG. You are a fucking vile, horrible, nasty person and you do not deserve his love. It speaks volumes that his dad his primary custody- let’s call a spade a spade, you don’t “share custody”. You are the non-custodial parent who gets every other weekend. Gah, I cannot imagine why?!?!? Do this child a favor and let your husband have him before you damage him permanently. You and your disgusting boyfriend can hot in hell together. UGH.

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray January 24, 2017, 2:04 pm

    LW1 – This is the saddest letter I have seen! Your poor son.

    LW2 – Was this man your teacher when you were in high school? Or was he your high school babysitter when you were in elementary school? Trying to figure out how with a 7-year age gap you knew each other from high school… ???

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  • avatar

    Donna January 24, 2017, 3:54 pm

    How does a mother ‘give up’ their child? I didn’t realize that was a thing. I mean, I didn’t realize it could be a thing, that you could just give your child up because you met a guy who you knew, going into the relationship, couldn’t ‘accept’ your son, and you were ok with it. I thought parent + child was a package deal when you’re dating as a single mother. Anywho, however you came about the arrangement of a) only being a mother to your child every other weekend and b) being prepared to give him up entirely…..wow, I really can’t believe people sometimes.

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  • avatar

    MissDre January 24, 2017, 4:12 pm

    LW – You are a despicable person.

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  • avatar

    Sue Wilson January 24, 2017, 5:27 pm

    LW1: I’m not going to call you a monster. When you have a society that has religious groups deliberately gutting good sexual health education; a culture that presents children as relationship stabilizers and no education at understanding how to have a good solid mutual supportive romantic relationship, assholes slowly chipping away at Roe v. Wade, abortions costing more and more and not being covered under insurance, presidents deliberately cutting federal funding from providers who don’t even use federal funding for abortions, if they even mention the option GLOBALLY, anti-choice organizations masquerading as health clinics, sketchy adoption agencies, cultural pressure to have children regardless of desire; and lawmakers who want to cut the availability of birth control options despite not wanting abortions? You’re going to get people who have children who should never have had children and don’t want children. Yes, even when an adult. You don’t have to be a sociopath to feel like the LW. Just self-absorbed. Being biological, maternal bonds are not necessarily a sign of empathy, lmao.

    All that being said, you DID bring this kid into the world, and I think you have moral obligation to support him, even if I think he’d be better off without your presence. Give the dad full custody, write in the custody agreement that the grandparents have visitation, pay child support, and separately, pay for all this kid’s therapy, and if your kid ever asks you what happen, honestly say, “I just love myself more than anyone else.”

    LW2: Girl…..you know this dude is whack in your heart of hearts. The skepticism about spending time with the ex-SIL is just skepticism about this dude. Move on to an adult who didn’t know you when you were an actual child.

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      saneinca January 25, 2017, 1:44 am

      Sue, she is not a monster in the sense she is physically abusing the child. Yes sometimes people do leave their children for some reason or the other.
      But she does fit the profile of a sociopath in the sense she has no bond with the child, and no compunction about leaving her child altogether. And she is so self absorbed that she says the child loves her but says nothing about how she feels.

      May be she cannot help it as there is indeed a genetic component to sociopathic personality. Also people on drugs lose their moral compass.

      But that does not change the fact that she should have never had the child and should never have another going forward.

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      dinoceros January 25, 2017, 5:53 pm

      Yeah, I think the sociopath part is more about her response to all this. No one is saying a person is a sociopath for wanting to give up a child or not want to be a parent. But being sociopath is more about not having feelings. Her letter didn’t indicate that she has any bond with her child or feelings about the situation at all. Even people who regret having kids usually have some sort of a tug of war with their emotions, loving the child but also missing their freedom, etc. The reason that sociopaths do some of the cruel and manipulative things that they do is that they don’t really experience any emotions about them, so don’t feel bad screwing a family member over.

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    Anonymous January 24, 2017, 9:56 pm

    My biological dad did exactly what LW1 is contemplating. He gave up his parental rights to my mom when I was nine years old. my mom remarried that year and that man has been my dad for much longer than my biological father. Notice I use the term biological father because As far as I’m concerned he’s nothing more than a sperm donor who hung around for a bit longer. He too had a shitty girlfriend who hated kids. It put us through a lot of emotional turmoil but we are by far the better for it now.

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  • Nookie

    Nookie January 25, 2017, 5:33 am

    While I don’t disagree that you shouldn’t have children and keep them after birth if you’re not willing to be a part of their lives in a real way, I wonder if there’s some cultural difference here that we’re not picking up on?

    ‘My boyfriend told me when we started dating that he could not accept my son, and I know not all men can.’

    Something about this line makes me wonder if the LW is from a different country and culture where this is more socially acceptable to give up a child from a previous relationship when remarrying? I just worry that we’re judging her by our own cultural standards….

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      SpaceySteph January 25, 2017, 10:00 am

      *Are* there cultures where its normal for a woman to abandon her child? I can see it being normal in a culture for the child to stay with the mother and the father to move on, but not the other way around.

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      • Nookie

        Nookie January 25, 2017, 10:12 am

        Dunno if there are but there might be. I just read it like perhaps there’s some cultural stuff we might not be aware of?

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom January 25, 2017, 10:54 am

        There are patriarchal cultures where the children always belong to the father but since she has weekend visitation I doubt we are seeing a culture like that.

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        artsygirl January 25, 2017, 12:49 pm

        Sky – In many Middle Eastern countries, children belong to the father after divorce. Of course if that was a cultural norm wherever the LW lives it would fly in the face of the fiance giving up his child to his ex. I honestly read the letter as the author having either emotional or addiction issues that has stunted her ability to bond with her child.

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      dinoceros January 25, 2017, 10:25 am

      It’s possible, but I feel like those would also be cultures where divorce, joint custody, serious boyfriends without marriage would also be common. Especially since she acknowledges that some men are fine with kids from a previous marriage, but some aren’t.

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      • Nookie

        Nookie January 25, 2017, 10:44 am

        Yeah, I can’t exactly square it either… it sounds a little more permissive than I would expect. But I’m just offering an alternative viewpoint based on how I read it. 🙂

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    wobster109 January 25, 2017, 10:42 am

    LW1: I can’t even.
    LW2: Let’s replace “in the process of divorcing” with “married”. It will clear things up. You are dating a 36-year-old MARRIED father. Maybe say it out loud and let it sink in.

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    Bubbles January 25, 2017, 1:20 pm

    LW1, my husband was in same situation as your son when he was a child. Fortunately his adoptive parents were great and while he may have had abandonment issues in his late teens and 20’s, he’s an AMAZING husband, father and grandfather. GUESS WHAT, his biological mother, who is in her late 70’s and widowed and retired to another county, is all alone now and contacted him late last year to reacquaint herself with her one and only son. After a few phone calls, she asked if she could move in one day with us so that he can take care of her since she’s all alone. Hmmmm LW1, something to think about when you’re all alone in your old age.

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    Janie Everding February 15, 2017, 7:55 am

    For the mother giving up her child for boyfriend , That is not love that man does not love you, has God given you away? No ! ” Behold children are a heritage from the Lord the fruit of the womb, a reward”! You can get a man like that a dime a dozen. Children are created by our Lord. They’re are many women out there that can not have a child, God blessed you with one and you are just going to give him up just like that. God gave Jesus up for you and I! It has this in the Bible as well “Honor thy mother and the father ” get Jesus in your life we love you God bless you and thank you

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    Kathy February 15, 2017, 7:10 pm

    There is NO MAN WORTH DISCARDING MY CHILDREN FOR. You are a worthless piece of crap and I hope you’re son hates you for the rest of his life for you even thinking this should be an option. Tell that POS boyfriend to go drink some bleach and die because the world would be much better off without his kind in it. And you lady are a self centered, immature worthless piece of crap. You don’t deserve to be called mommy, mom or mama. Any jacktard can have a baby but it takes someone special to be a mommy and you’re beyond unspecial, your parents need shot for bringing you into this world because you don’t deserve to be breathing the same air as that precious little boy.

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      Kate February 15, 2017, 7:46 pm

      Let’s watch it a bit with anything ending with”tard” and telling people to kill themselves.

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    K. Murray February 18, 2017, 4:22 am

    Okay people… this first story hear really struck a very BIG nerve with me. I have been married for 14 yrs now and have one son 19 yrs old.. Now he is technically not my biological son, but he is most definitely emotionally my son.
    Just a little background… our son came to live with us when he was 12 yrs because he was removed from his dug addicted, alcoholic, prostitute of a biological mother. Unfortunately, my husband and I did not know how bad things were with him due to his BioMom moving from the area where she had always been and not telling us for about 5 yrs. Once I had had enough with the TX Atty General’s Office not wanting to do anything about finding her, and once I finally convinced them I could find her, I found her and our son. BTW… he is awesome now! Graduated NHS from high school, with several other accolades and now has over a 3.4 GPA in college and is going to graduate college a 2nd Leutinant (SP) for the US Army.
    Now… first woman from the first story… do you see how I just bragged about my son? THAT IS HOW A MOM IS SUPPOSED TO BE! How would you feel if your Mom left you with your Dad because she was getting remarried and never wanted to see you again? Probably pretty damn shitty!
    If you did not want your son or the responsibility of being a parent, then you should have kept yours damn legs shut!
    That was part one of my rant…
    Second part, if you are that fucking dumb to think that your “current” boyfriend A) Loves you in any way shape or form, B) Only wants to go over seas to “work” and C) Does not see his own child because he does not want to, when in all actuality he probably is not allowed to see his child due to an aggressive background, then your are even DUMBER AND MORE PATHETIC than what people give you credit for! I mean, MY GOD LADY, you said n it yourself… “Your son loves you so much” but you are willing to cut all ties with him after you get married, “I am fully prepared to give him up after we get married”. You mention hurting your parents now, but what about then? You mention hurting your son, but what about then, after you get married!
    Do you not realize that he is emotionally and mentally abusing you? Are you that much of a dumb ass? Do you really think he will be there for you in the long run, especially after you get pregnant AGAIN? If you honestly think he will be, then you deserve what is coming to you and happe n ing to you. I wouldn’t care if he was the richest, most handsome man in the entire universe…. if he said give up your son because I don’t like him, I would tell him to go fuck himself with his own dick! I mean seriously?!?!? You are seriously contemplating this?
    Do you know how many women, and men for that matter, that are out in this world who cannot have their own biological children? Millions , probably millions upon millions, and here you sit, Fertile Myrtle, wanting to give up your only child all for a fucking duchess bag of an asshole who if I ever had the displeasure of meeting I would kick the living shit out him and then do the same to you! And once I was done, I would take him down and have a fully castration performed on him, that’s right, everything gone except for a tube to pee out of and then I would take you down and have everything ripped the hell out of you and then burned, like I had done to me at the age of 12! Well, what I was born with anyway, only fallopian tubes, barely, and two cancerous ovaries, no uterus. Then I would make sure your private areas were COMPLETELY closed shut permanently! Now… I apologize to any fellow readers for the graphic nature of this rant, but not to you or that pathetic excuse of a man you honestly think wants to marry you.
    WISE THE HELL UP LITTLE GIRL, because one day when you b are overseas and your man there decides he is done with you and throws your dumb ass out, what are you going to do then? Call Mommy and Daddy for help? Nah, I don’t think so. Ooo, call your ex hubby for help? Nope, he wouldn’t squirter an ounce of urine on you if you were on fire and by that time… neither would your OWN FLESH AND BLOOD BIOLOGICAL SON! AND NO ONE WOULD BLAME ANY OF THEM FOR LEAVING YOU WHERE YOU WERE TO ROT!
    There is a special place in HELL for people like the two of you. If either one of your children did not know y’all, then sure move on, move away, leave them be because they are better off without either of you. Unfortunately though, both of these children know both you, have formed some sort of relationship with you and have no idea of the detrimental psychological mind fuck both of you will put them through.
    I’ve got to tell you lady… I’ve seen some pieces of shit in my time, since I was a Deputy Sheriff for over 8 years, I have seen women who have tortured and killed their own children and other people’s children and I thought they were the lowest of the low, until you came along. What those children were relieved from by dying was not ever having to know just how much of a piece of shit their mother was, and I am very grateful for that.
    Your son and his daughter, will not get the same pleasure. They will both grow up wondering A) What did I do wrong? B) Why did they do this to me? C) Why don’t they love me? I have NEVER been able to have children of my own and have known that for a very very long time, since I was 6 and the doctors discovered my fallopian tubes had shriveled up and died and made it 100% certain when both of my ovaries were removed at the age of 12 and was reaffirmed that I was born without a uterus. At the time, not having children was no big deal. Now at the ripe ol’ age of 41, I wish to GOD, several times, that I could give my husband the daughter we both so desperately want.
    If you live in the states… you need to pack up your shit and get the hell out permanently and never be allowed to return back here and same goes for Mr. Wonderful as well. I hope your ex hubby finds the perfect woman for him and HIS son, cuz he is definitely not yours anymore, and that his son thinks about her, feels about her and calls her Mommy, Mom, Mamma, Mother and every time he does, I hope you feel your heart being ripped out from your chest, because that is exactly how that little boy is going to feel if you fucking abandon him. Go to hell you stupid ass bitch. Don’t ever let me come face to face with you. You will not like the outcome, especially if you think this is bad
    I am a whole lot meaner and worse in person.

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    Rosemarie February 18, 2017, 7:07 pm

    Dear feeling stuck,
    I can honestly say that there is something wrong with your way of thinking… mothers guilt my ass you wouldn’t even be considering giving up your child if you were any kind of mother… men come and go … children are a part of you not to be thrown away when some jackass can’t or won’t tolerate your child… too bad he needs to be put out of his misery and find a woman who doesn’t have or want children… selfish individual!!! 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

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    Randy February 19, 2017, 1:43 pm

    If you got to even ask this you are more lost than ever if a man ask’s you to give up your living Blood your own Child then that Man is not a real Man . But then again ya since you even had to ask this question give that child up and forget all about him to someone that would be proud to call him son . There are lots of people that can not have kids that would love to have one and treat him like he is the one and only …….

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    Mickey staley. February 19, 2017, 4:46 pm

    If you are that stupid, go ahead and give that boy up, give him a chance of having a home with real parents!

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    Gramvick February 19, 2017, 5:12 pm

    My grand daughter has known since birth that she can never have biological children of their own. She is almost 17 now. Born without a uterus or, following tube or ovaries. Do you know what it is like to not be able to Have a child??? I think not. I lost my youngest child and only son to depression /suicide. My heart breaks every day from my loss yet you are willing to just walk away from your son. Disgusting.

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      shannon toombs March 1, 2017, 11:15 pm

      GramVick Sorry for your loss. I have 5, but lost three. Even then it is hard. I have two that have epilepsy , one of them has ADHD, Autism , Tumors in his chest, Mild CP, behavior issues (can be moderate mostly mild), Asthma, hearing loss. But no way in heck would I give him up, unless it was necessary. He just lost his father last year. I am all he’s got. Just think what that would do to him? POint is I love my children. As soon as a man tells me to get rid of my children, I would be chasing their but out the door with a baseball bat……………….

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    Anonymous March 1, 2017, 2:27 pm

    OMG!! Scumbag……are you mental!! No man NO MAN is worth my children. My ex married a young girl with those same conditions!!!! Shame on you! And you want to burden your family and ex because this guy is more important. And you are actually thinking this is ok. You deserve each other LOSERS!!
    My ex is a loser for choosing same way. Pathetic!! My new partner he is a good man and he also has kids our kids are everything to us.

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    Anonymous March 1, 2017, 2:55 pm

    What kind of person are you? That beautiful little boy and he knows you are mommy and you are willing to just walk away. How could you do this. In my hardest times a thought like that never entered my mind. My children always came before anyone else in my life. I always loved them more than myself. How could you sleep knowing this little boy wasn’t with you. Not knowing what was happening in his life. If people were good to him, if he needed anything, if he might be hungry or hurt or scared. I’m sure if you do this there will come a day when it will drive you insane not knowing what had happened to him. That sleaze bag boyfriend will certainly never be what you need when your conscience starts eating away at your soul because of what you’ve done.
    This little boy will probably end up with issues when he finds out what you did
    throwing him away like a piece of garbage. My God woman think before you ruin both your lives, don’t hurt that child like that. No man is worth that.

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    shannon toombs March 1, 2017, 11:11 pm

    This reply is for “feeling stuck”. You my dear must be a complete idiot or lack some necessary neurotransmitter. If you are asking this question for sympathy, you are not going to get it. YOUR SON NEEDS TO COME FIRST. There should not be any hesitation on your part. IF there is, then you do not deserve him. There are a lot of people who cannot have children and who would love to have a son and you are treating him like he is a choice at the supermarket and that you can throw him out like trash. You are a despicable woman.

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    Beebee25 March 2, 2017, 3:41 pm

    My mother did this. She gave up my two oldest brothers for my father. And she will always regret it. You may think you’ll be fine now, that he’s worth it, but if he can even ASK you do to something like that, he is a monster in waiting. I speak from my mothers experience. You will look back one day, you will think of your son and what you gave up and you will hate yourself.

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    Anonymous March 2, 2017, 4:17 pm

    You seriously are a scum bag of a mother who even considers something like that. I wouldn’t give up my children for anyone or anything this makes me sick. There are so many people that can’t have kids and would do anything to have them and your seriously asking that you should be ashamed of yourself.

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    Anonymous March 24, 2017, 8:26 am

    Have you lost your mind? Why would you even consider giving up your son for that
    Jerk? He is your son. No one I said no one should come between you and you son. Dump that ass hole asking you to. If he can’t except your son, he can’t have you. I wouldn’t want a man that didn’t want my son.

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    Anonymous March 24, 2017, 11:12 pm

    I think you should think twice about it your son was in your life first and that boyfriend of yours need to grow up and be a man

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