Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Morning Quickies: “All I Wanted for Christmas Was a Key… And He Didn’t Give Me One”

Golden key in keyhole

My boyfriend and I have been together almost three years, with a few breakups in between. The only thing I wanted for Christmas was a key to his apartment. I felt like the key would show he trusts me and is committed and also has faith that we are starting fresh and not going to be breaking up again this time. He got me a ton of nice expensive gifts last night, but did not give me the key because he felt there is too much emphasis on the key. It really hurt me because he has never said he loved me and this key was the one thing giving me hope that he sees a future with me.

I’ve always felt that he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend. He dated her for only a year and had no problem telling her he loved her. During the times we have broken up, he has received texts from her and seen her at events that they both were invited to. He is best friends with her brother-in-law and sister, and he went to her grandma’s funeral. It could have been to support his friends, but it also could have been to support her. Part of me feels they hooked up while we were apart. I wanted proof that he will one day feel the same way about me that he feels about her. Do you think I’m overreacting and thinking too much into the situation? — No Key to His Heart


I think you’re desperate for a sign that your boyfriend feels more strongly about you than you believe he does. He has not given you that sign and it’s been three years. Three years and multiple breakups, no “I love you”, no commitment, no trust, no hope that he sees a future with you? Oh honey, MOA. The new year is right around the corner. Make a resolution that you’ll give up this guy for good and won’t waste time on a guy who can’t clearly return your feelings after several months, let alone several years, of dating.

In August of 2012, I started dating the father of my daughter again after our daughter turned two. Everything was great for four months until I found out that he was cheating on me with a girl that he was dating right before he asked to be back with me. I forgave him and we started dating again. In October of 2014, I found out that he was cheating on me again with the same girl. Again, I forgave him. We got engaged in November of 2015 and were married in May of 2016. Well, now here we are in December of 2016 and I found out that he is Facebook friends with the same ex-girlfriend that he cheated with and they are following each other on Instagram. I made a fake page on both because something didn’t seem right. He hid his friend’s list on Facebook, and the girl blocked me on both social medias so that I couldn’t see that they were friends. Well, he found out about the fake Facebook page and now she’s not friends with the fake page anymore. He is just brushing to the side the fact that they are friends and acting like I am immature for the fake page. Does it sound like he loves this other woman? And am I crazy for still being with him? — Crazy?

 

You’re a mother, for God’s sake, so stop with this high school-level cray and move on already. Three or four breakups in as many years, multiple cheating in which you seem to forgive without rebuilding trust, and snooping around on social media, creating fake profiles like you’re some sort of undercover special eye? No. This is not how a grown woman — and mother! — should behave. You clearly don’t trust this guy (and for good reason!). You do not seem well-matched or committed to each other. Work on being good co-parents and give your daughter the gift of stability and two parents who were mature enough to accept that they are better off not trying to force a romantic relationship that just doesn’t work. That’s the longer answer. The shorter answer is: Yes, you’re crazy for still being with him.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

8 comments… add one
  • juliecatharine

    Juliecatharine December 23, 2016, 8:03 am

    WWS. Aim higher ladies.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 December 23, 2016, 8:33 am

    Hey you know what, I’ve cheated on you 3 times or something like that, do you want to get married? Fuck yeah! That will fix things! You know for the sake of our daughter.

    LW1: Clearly he doesn’t think you are the one, and I’m sure he’ll give you some bullshit excuse about his how heart was broken by that last girl so he doesn’t want to move to quick. That’s just noise, it’s been THREE years! He doesn’t love you he is just comfortable with you.

    LW2: Sometimes I don’t think people deserve advice. If you can’t see all the fucked up shit that has happened right in front of your face for the last 6+ years (don’t know how long you were together before she was born) you never will. So just keep forgiving him, because that works.

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  • avatar

    Ron December 23, 2016, 9:06 am

    Two women who know for certain that they are with the wrong guy but stay with him out of fear of being alone and not being able to find somebody else. You are just throwing more time after the time you’ve already wasted on these guys and the totally unsatisfactory relationships you have with them. Your letters reek of unhappiness, desperation, and putting unbelievable faith in your talisman of choice, be it marriage or a key, to magically change what you clearly describe as awful relationships with guys you know love another woman and not you.

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  • avatar

    MissDre December 23, 2016, 9:19 am

    Yep. MOA. Both of you.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros December 23, 2016, 9:35 am

    LW1: Getting a key isn’t going to magically change your relationship, and you should be able to know where you stand without one. And I think you do know already or this key business wouldn’t be such a big deal.

    LW2: I understand that some people want to forgive after someone cheats (not my cup of tea), but if it happens again and you forgive him again, that’s very naive. He’s proven he can’t be trusted, so if you continue to trust him, that’s on you.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom December 23, 2016, 10:26 am

      All the marriage did for LW2 was to make the inevitable break up much more complicated.

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  • avatar

    Stillrunning December 23, 2016, 11:41 am

    There are many cases, and this is one, where “forgive” is code for ignore, pretend it didn’t happen, turn a blind eye, etc.

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  • Raccoon eyes

    Raccoon eyes December 23, 2016, 2:04 pm

    Dear LWs: You both make me sad. Sad that you think that these guys are all that you deserve or are worth. You are both wrong. Your “partners” are each NOT the last man on earth, and most definitely NOT treating you with respect or as an equal in a partnership.

    Give yourself the best Christmas gift EVER- dump your baggage, because that is what they have become. (Neither one and will magically morph into a good boyfriend/ husband if you receive a key to his place or if you prove through social media that you are being cheated on.)

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