Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Morning Quickies: “He Won’t Introduce Me to His Daughters”

My college boyfriend and I reunited three years ago when he called me to say he was getting divorced. I thought it was ok to date him because he had moved out of his house. The divorce was finalized sixteen months ago. His two daughters are in college — a sophomore and a junior, respectively — and he won’t introduce me to them. I think they think I broke up their parents’ marriage, but that isn’t true. He also doesn’t spend anytime with my 17-year-old son and says that kids aren’t involved in this relationship. I am devastated and can’t accept this because it feels like he is using me with no intentions of being open with his daughters. He says he’ll tell them “when the time is right.” I told him we should not be together until “the time is right.” But then he gets upset and says he wants to marry me…but, again, “when the time is right.” — Devastated

I hate the term “being used” when it refers to a relationship, because what does that even mean? Any relationship we have meets certain needs we have, so in that regard, we’re all using people and we’re all being used (for companionship, for sex, for financial or physical security, for help co-parenting, etc.). I think when you say you feel like you’re being used, you simply mean that your boyfriend doesn’t have the same intentions or interest in moving forward that you have, and I think you’re right; he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to “involve kids” in your relationship because that signals a deeper level of involvement and commitment than he wants to have or give you right now. He tells you he’ll be ready to introduce you to his kids and to marry you “when the time is right” to stall. His saying that doesn’t mean he ever has any intention of making a deeper commitment to you. The “right time” may very well be never. You aren’t cool with how things are right now. You’re “devastated.” So, stick to your guns and tell your boyfriend that, since this isn’t the “right time” for a relationship in which he includes you in all parts of his life and family, you’re moving on. And then MOA. Because the only person keeping you in a devastating situation is you, and you don’t have to stay in it if you don’t want to.

My boyfriend of eight years has yet to meet any of my friends. He is 62 and I am 57. I have met and spent time with his family and his friends. My friends refer to him as my phantom boyfriend. Both he and I live about an hour away from most of them. These are people I have known forever. I socialize with them individually, but, when it’s a couple activity, I find myself by myself. Should I tell my boyfriend I can no longer accompany him when he asks? Or should I just suck it up? — Dating a Phantom

 
Have you told your boyfriend it’s important to you that he meet and spend time with your friends and family? Has he given any reason why he won’t? If this is a matter of the “time not being right” like in today’s first letter, and your needs aren’t being met, I’d move on. After eight years, your boyfriend isn’t going to change. And I suspect this isn’t the only area where he is selfish and inconsiderate and apathetic of your needs and desires. I would MOA.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

11 comments… add one
  • avatar

    artsygirl June 7, 2016, 10:52 am

    LW1 – It sounds like this relationship is dead in the water. Your BF obviously is at a different point than you are regarding the relationship. After all, he is just recently divorced after a long term marriage and is not ready to be a partner regarding your child and obviously does not want you to have that position regarding his kids (and the fact that he has not bothering to defend you and your relationship to his daughters is very telling.) I say cut ties and perhaps you can reconnect down the road when he is ready for a real relationship and not on the rebound.

    LW2- Agree 100% with Wendy. You need to make your BF know that you want him to be involved in your social life. If he refuses, then you need to figure out why he does not want to meet and visit with your friends. You mention the distance between your homes, has he claimed that he does not want to drive the hour for an event? If so, you need to set up limits. If you drive an hour to visit with his friends for an event, then he needs to do the same for your events.

    Reply Link
  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark June 7, 2016, 12:46 pm

    Honestly? To me, LW1… You are rushing things. If he knows his daughters will react badly — why push it. Seriously. After a failed marriage — more people should take things SLOW.
    .
    LW2) Newsflash!! You fucking have the ability to speak! Try using it.

    Reply Link
    • FireStar

      Firestar June 7, 2016, 1:08 pm

      It’s been 3 years! The daughters are adults…I might agree with you for minor children and a shorter time but the dad here is just using the daughters as an excuse to keep the relationship stagnant.

      Reply Link
      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark June 7, 2016, 4:44 pm

        They’ve been together THREE years. The divorce was FINAL only 16 months ago… But no, no… oh, no… she had absolutely NOTHING to do with their marriage ending. Yeah, right. And I’ve never sucked a dick. Is any wonder they daughters won’t exactly greet her with open arms? I think not.

        Link
      • avatar

        Ron June 7, 2016, 5:41 pm

        No, I think BGM is correct on this one. The LW and the father of these young women got together 3 years ago. Don’t look at the daughters’ ages today, look at their ages 3 years ago. They are sophomore and junior in college today, so they were junior and senior in high school and living at home when their father began dating this woman. This was almost 2 full years before their parents were divorced. We can’t know for sure exactly what the girls were told when their father moved out, but it possibly included euphemisms like ‘your Mom and I have decided to spend some time apart and we’ll see wherere we go from here.” Regardless of what was said, the daughters may well have held hopes for a reconciliation. Then along comes LW at a time their mother and father are still actually married. They may know of no other reason for the divorce and, absent the LW, a reconciliation may well have happened. Of course they blame the LW for the break-up of their family. They know she was Dad’s gf almost 2 years prior to the divorce. They really have no way of knowing that she LW wasn’t their dad’s mistress before he left the house. LW’s bf may be perfectly willing for her to meet the daughters, but the daughters may well have told him to never bring her around him if he wishes to continue having any contact with them. If the ex-wife had already paired up, LW would have mentioned this to bolster her case. The kids are siding with lonely Mom over the father who left home and his long-term gf from far prior to the divorce.

        Link
    • avatar

      Persuasion June 7, 2016, 3:54 pm

      Bittergaymark, I don’t think she is RUSHING things, they have been together 3 years and his kids are nearly adults.

      Reply Link
      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark June 7, 2016, 5:50 pm

        Yeah, and I’m sure they are JUST dying to meet the woman who fucked over their mother. Good luck with that…

        Link
      • avatar

        Jess June 7, 2016, 6:59 pm

        Right on the money Mark, as usual.

        Link
      • avatar

        saneinca June 8, 2016, 12:52 am

        If that is the case, then why shouldn’t she break up with the guy ? She is not going to get what she wants any time soon and it is cruel of the BF to keep dangling her with the hook about ‘when the time is right’.
        She does not have to act like a doormat and wait for his decision. Wendy’s MOA is right on spot.

        Link
      • avatar

        Ron June 8, 2016, 9:42 am

        Yes, they seem not to be in the same place and she should MOA if she is unhappy with the status quo, but not because she hasn’t met the daughters. The daughters likely don’t want to meet her. If there father marries her, then they will meet her (or at least high probability). He can get engaged or marry her, independent of his daughters inaction, if he wants to. She should focus upon that, not the daughters. Likely, after a long marriage and two kids, he has decided that he’d rather date and not re-marry. His actions are consistent with that.

        Link
  • avatar

    dinoceros June 7, 2016, 4:05 pm

    Move on, move on, move on. After this amount of time, nothing will change.

    Also, another example of why just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should. If you get involved with someone who is still working out a divorce, it’s very likely their children are going to assume you broke them up. It’s not fair, but it’s predictable. A good reason to take things slowly.

    Reply Link

Leave a Comment