Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Morning Quickies: “My Husband’s Best Friend Confessed He’s in Love with Me”

I’ve been with my boyfriend about eight years (we recently got married), and for that entire time I have been really close with his best friend. The three of us were inseparable. Recently though, while my husband and I were in the middle of a huge fight, I went to our best friend for support and comfort, and he told me that he loved me. He said that since he met me all those years ago, he loved me and believed he could treat me so much better than my husband does, but he never said anything because he wanted me to be happy. I don’t love him back, and, despite this fight with my husband, I truly love my husband and he loves me. But I fear that our friend’s confession will make him and my husband resent each other, and I don’t know how to talk to our friend about it. When he told me, I was just sort of angry, so I yelled at him and left. It’s been a few days and he’s tried to confront me, but I’ve kind of been avoiding it. — In the Middle of a Love Triangle

For starters, you don’t talk to your friend about what happened; you talk to your husband. In fact, I wouldn’t talk to the “friend” ever again. He’s not a friend. Repeat that to yourself over and over: he is not a friend. A friend would not try to come between you and your husband. A friend would not betray another friend like he betrayed your husband. And a friend would not come onto a married woman, preying on her vulnerability (waiting until she was in a fight with her husband) and trying to manipulate her feelings (promising to treat her better than her husband would). He’s gross. And, yes, of course, telling your husband will make him resent the friend, but he SHOULD resent him. And he, too, should not speak to him anymore. It’s time for you and your husband to cut ties with this guy and to focus on building the best twosome while you ditch the third wheel with ulterior motives.

I recently invited a guy that I have been interested in for a few years to a wedding. He is fully aware of the fact that I like him and that, if the opportunity arose, I would love to be his girlfriend. I recently found out through Facebook that he may have a girlfriend whom he has been seeing for a few months. When I invited him, he didn’t say a thing to me about a girlfriend, and he has had a few opportunities to speak up if he truly does have one. I know I should ask him straight up about it, but I don’t want to come off as a jealous friend or like I was invading his privacy on Facebook. Assuming he does have a girlfriend, is it taboo that I invited him to a wedding with me? Should I invite a single friend instead? And if he really does have a girlfriend, shouldn’t he have mentioned something to me, especially after my inviting him to a huge event? — Taboo “Plus-One” Inviter

 
You’re making way too big of a deal out of this. Tell him you saw something on Facebook recently that made you wonder if he had a girlfriend and, if so, was it serious and was she OK with his going to a wedding with you. None of that makes you sound like a jealous friend or like you were doing super snooping on FB. Maybe there is a girl in the picture and maybe it isn’t very serious (hence his accepting your invitation). Or, maybe it IS serious, in which case, yes, he should have told you that before agreeing to be your date to a wedding. Whatever the case, you aren’t going to get clarification unless you ask him, and you have nothing to feel bad about since you did nothing wrong. If he admits to having a serious girlfriend, I’d tell him that you didn’t realize that that was the case, that you would feel more comfortable taking a single friend to the wedding instead, and that you hope he understands.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

15 comments… add one
  • Raccoon eyes

    Raccoon eyes July 7, 2015, 8:22 am

    Im with Wendy on these.
    *
    But I will add- LW1, it is quite possible that dude just wanted to get in your pants. The timing of this confession is…weird. Life is not an Owen Wilson rom-com. (Im pretty sure he would star as the happy-go-lucky third-wheel friend in this. Wait, was this the concept of You, Me, and Dupree? Eh I actually dont know bc I never saw it, this just sounds like my impression of the plot of that.)
    *
    LW2- I would also like to point out that your life, as well, is not a rom-com. There is no invading privacy on FB. For future reference, it is not a good idea to invite as your plus-one a guy fully aware that you have been into him for a few years and that you “would love to be his girlfriend.” There are pretty much no real life circumstances in which this ends well for you. (This movie would star McDreamy and Grace from Will and Grace. Gah, isnt that also an actual movie? The Wedding Date maybe? Another one I havent seen, but that seems to be the plot.)

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    • Portia

      Portia July 7, 2015, 8:45 am

      Wasn’t it the guy from My Best Friend’s Wedding? I also think he was playing an escort in The Wedding Date…

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        ktfran July 7, 2015, 9:01 am

        Yes, the Wedding Date had Dermot Mulroney and Debra Messing and Dermot played her escort for her sister’s wedding. She wanted to make her ex jealous, he was best man. She eventually found out that the ex and her sister, played by a very blonde Amy Adams, slept together, a lot. Some sister.

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      • Portia

        Portia July 7, 2015, 9:43 am

        All I remember is a scene involving a boat, possibly in a driveway? I think I need a wedding-related movie marathon one of these days, maybe when addressing envelopes…

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      • Raccoon eyes

        Raccoon eyes July 7, 2015, 10:15 am

        I suggest My Big Fat Greek Wedding, The Wedding Singer, Bridesmaids, and Father of the Bride! I was just trying to think of movies without tooo silly of plots, and these are the closest I could think of. 😉

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      • Raccoon eyes

        Raccoon eyes July 7, 2015, 9:06 am

        Oooooh yeah, you are totally right. Ok, I googled it and it was Grace (Debra Messing, pardon me) and Dermot Mulroney.
        *
        I do love me some Dermot Mulroney. And McDreamy (although I havent watched Grey’s Anatomy since liiiike 2007). And Dylan McDermott (Julia Robert’s husband in Steel Magnolias). For some reason, the 3 of them run together to me. All sexy beasts 😉

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      • Portia

        Portia July 7, 2015, 9:41 am

        I wholeheartedly agree, that is one sexy group. 😉

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      • kare

        kare July 7, 2015, 9:42 am

        It wasn’t until a King of the Hill episode that I realized Dermot Mulroney and Dylan McDermott were different people. (Bobby Hill got them mixed up too.)

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        K July 7, 2015, 9:46 am

        Dermot Mulroney just doesn’t do it for me. In the movies I’ve seen him in, he just comes off as dull and not very charismatic. Maybe I haven’t seen him in the right movies! He was also in The Family Stone, which is one of my favorite holiday movies.

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  • sobriquet

    sobriquet July 7, 2015, 9:43 am

    I laughed out loud at “invading his privacy on Facebook”.

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  • Moneypenny

    Moneypenny July 7, 2015, 11:44 am

    LW1 reminds me of that scene in Love Actually. The one with the signs. (While I do like that movie for cheesy mushy reasons, I really hate that scene.)

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      jlyfsh July 7, 2015, 11:57 am

      I always disliked that scene too. Although now I imagine him as Rick doing that scene and it makes it better!

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      • Ika

        Ika July 7, 2015, 12:22 pm

        CORALLLLL

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    Laura Hope July 7, 2015, 5:17 pm

    LW2–I was in a similar situation. I told my husband and his friend completely denied it but my husband believed me and their friendship ended and it was pretty painful. But in the long run, it was for the best.

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  • avatar

    Ange July 7, 2015, 6:03 pm

    Ugh LW1 he’s a classic Nice Guy running loose, flee while you still can!

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