Now he wants to make plans to come to NY this New Year’s….but only if one or both of our mutual friends also goes, otherwise it would be a waste according to him. This makes me feel as though I’m just someone he can use to make other people jealous or prove that he can get some, especially since one of our mutual friends is someone he had a major crush on when we first met.
Additionally, he told me that he thinks I should move back home to NY since I’m pretty lonely here in California and even though he is making plans to make a permanent move here himself.
He does call every day, so I’m just confused. There haven’t been any “I love yous” thrown around. What should I do? — A Waste of His Time
MOA, girl! This guy disrespects you, treats you like garbage, and clearly has no interest in anything long-term if he’s trying to talk you into moving away from a place he’s planning to move to. On top of all that, he’s way more interested in seeing a “mutual friend” you say he had a big crush on when he first met you. I’d say that crush is probably alive and well and you’re just a good excuse for him to hang around her in a non-threatening way. He’s totally using you. You know know he is. Quit letting him, and MOA.
The problem is, he doesn’t want to commit to a relationship “now.” He had planned on being single after ending it with his ex, and this thing between us isn’t in accordance to that plan. He wants his freedom to go and date other women. He wants to keep me, too. When I’ve said I’m not going to deal with it, that I’ll just walk away, he said he’d give up being single and be with me now. But he’s worried he’ll long for the single life later, and he doesn’t want to mess up the relationship we have. So I’ve told him to stay single. But my question is, if he really feels that we can be together in a lasting relationship, why is he still so interested in the single life? Should I really walk away from it? I feel much more for him than what seems appropriate for our current standing. Note: He’s promised to be sexually exclusive with me. He claims he only wants dates to talk and get to know people. — Ready Now
I say let him go and date around. One of three things will happen: either he will decide he likes being single and wishes to stay that way for a while; he’ll meet someone he clicks with even more than you; he’ll decide being single isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and he’d much rather be committed to you. Those things may happen even if you continue dating him while he dates around on the side, but they won’t happen as quickly and you’ll feel resentful that you’re dating and sleeping with someone who really, really likes you but doesn’t want to be exclusive. Sometimes a person has to fear loss in a real way to understand how meaningful the thing is he might lose.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.