Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Morning Quickies: “My Long-Distance Boyfriend Says My Visits Waste His Time”

I’m in an LDR with my boyfriend. I go to school in California, and I travel to where he lives in Atlanta as well as to my home in New York. We’ve been friends for over a year and have been dating for five months. While at first we seemed to make it work, the last time I went to see him (missing a day of classes to do), he said that he wasted his time taking off from work that weekend because some mutual friends of ours weren’t visiting with me. Obviously, this doesn’t make me feel all that great since he is basically saying I wasted his time. I called him out on it, but he only said it was horrible to say but it was the truth and that the money he could have made that weekend could have been used for him to travel to me, something I question because he’s made enough to afford to visit me at least once already and yet hasn’t done so.

Now he wants to make plans to come to NY this New Year’s….but only if one or both of our mutual friends also goes, otherwise it would be a waste according to him. This makes me feel as though I’m just someone he can use to make other people jealous or prove that he can get some, especially since one of our mutual friends is someone he had a major crush on when we first met.

Additionally, he told me that he thinks I should move back home to NY since I’m pretty lonely here in California and even though he is making plans to make a permanent move here himself.

He does call every day, so I’m just confused. There haven’t been any “I love yous” thrown around. What should I do? — A Waste of His Time

MOA, girl! This guy disrespects you, treats you like garbage, and clearly has no interest in anything long-term if he’s trying to talk you into moving away from a place he’s planning to move to. On top of all that, he’s way more interested in seeing a “mutual friend” you say he had a big crush on when he first met you. I’d say that crush is probably alive and well and you’re just a good excuse for him to hang around her in a non-threatening way. He’s totally using you. You know know he is. Quit letting him, and MOA.

I’ve been good friends with this guy for a year, and we grew extremely close this past summer, starting a fling. Neither of us expected it to go anywhere beyond that as we were both fresh out of relationships. But feelings grew, and he told me he thought he loved me, and I feel the same way. He’s introduced me to all of his friends and family, and he says that he’s never felt happier than when we’re together. He’s told me that he can see himself spending the rest of his life with me.

The problem is, he doesn’t want to commit to a relationship “now.” He had planned on being single after ending it with his ex, and this thing between us isn’t in accordance to that plan. He wants his freedom to go and date other women. He wants to keep me, too. When I’ve said I’m not going to deal with it, that I’ll just walk away, he said he’d give up being single and be with me now. But he’s worried he’ll long for the single life later, and he doesn’t want to mess up the relationship we have. So I’ve told him to stay single. But my question is, if he really feels that we can be together in a lasting relationship, why is he still so interested in the single life? Should I really walk away from it? I feel much more for him than what seems appropriate for our current standing. Note: He’s promised to be sexually exclusive with me. He claims he only wants dates to talk and get to know people. — Ready Now

 
I say let him go and date around. One of three things will happen: either he will decide he likes being single and wishes to stay that way for a while; he’ll meet someone he clicks with even more than you; he’ll decide being single isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and he’d much rather be committed to you. Those things may happen even if you continue dating him while he dates around on the side, but they won’t happen as quickly and you’ll feel resentful that you’re dating and sleeping with someone who really, really likes you but doesn’t want to be exclusive. Sometimes a person has to fear loss in a real way to understand how meaningful the thing is he might lose.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

39 comments… add one
  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom October 30, 2014, 8:37 am

    LW1- You are being used. You are a means to an end, which is to see the friend. He doesn’t care about you, just has found you a useful way to spend time with the friend and has made it clear that he doesn’t want to spend time alone with you. He is wasting your time and your travel money. Dump him, let him be without you and without the friend.

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  • Raccoon eyes

    Raccoon eyes October 30, 2014, 9:01 am

    LWs, Aim higher. Neither of your ahem, gentlemen, are treating you as you deserve to be treated.
    *
    LW1, he TOLD YOU IT WAS A WASTE FOR YOU TO VISIT HIM???? What the mother-flipping-what? This isnt your boyfriend.
    LW2, he *thinks* he loves you and *can* see himself spending the rest of his life with you? Duh huh? Just words and nothing backing it up here. Let Mr. Swinging Single go. And dont let him keep you waiting in the wings.

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray October 30, 2014, 9:09 am

    Man, I thought today was Friday until I saw “Morning Quickies” and no “Friday Short-cuts.” Bummer.
    *
    LW1, He’s an asshole who is using you and has no respect for you. Dump him.
    *
    LW2, I really don’t understand the desire to date around when there’s someone you love and who loves you back and who is available RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU! But you can’t make him appreciate that so definitely let him go. Not to keep your hopes up but I bet there’s a good chance he comes back. …. Dating around, being single and free, going on lots of first dates, going out a lot … blah none of that is fun; he’ll realize that and come back! (There’s a 99% chance 99% of the world disagrees with me here.)

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    • avatar

      MissDre October 30, 2014, 9:14 am

      I don’t think it’s fun either, I hate dating 😛

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray October 30, 2014, 9:46 am

        it’s the pits!

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      • avatar

        ktfran October 30, 2014, 10:07 am

        I second, third and fourth that. I just don’t care for it.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray October 30, 2014, 10:24 am

        But it sucks b/c to find the right guy/long-term relationship (and no more dating here and there), you have to be dating here and there.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy October 30, 2014, 10:30 am

        Too many frogs, not enough Adam Drivers.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray October 30, 2014, 10:39 am

        And far too few Jimmy Kimmels.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray October 30, 2014, 10:40 am

        I mean, is Jimmy Kimmel not the cutest sexiest funniest most adorable celebrity of them all?

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      • avatar

        MissDre October 30, 2014, 10:43 am

        My celebrity crush is (still) Method Man. Go ahead and laugh.

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      • FireStar

        FireStar October 30, 2014, 10:48 am

        The Rock.

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      • FireStar

        FireStar October 30, 2014, 10:44 am

        Really? I like Jimmy Fallon better…

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster October 30, 2014, 11:10 am

        Actually, Jimmy Fallon is my soul mate. I don’t even believe in soul mates and I know he’s “happily married,” but those are but small details. We belong together.

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      • FireStar

        FireStar October 30, 2014, 12:29 pm

        Well…. if you have a special love little things like marriage and kids with other people can’t get in the way….

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy October 30, 2014, 1:00 pm

        Jimmy Fallon is apparently a super nice guy too. A friend of mine runs a restaurant where he’s a regular and she says he’s always very sweet to everyone who works there. And once, Drew rode the elevator with him at work (they both work in the same building) and Jimmy — we’re on a first name basis, ha — busted out his iPhone and showed Drew pics of his baby girl. Isn’t that the cutest??

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray October 30, 2014, 2:21 pm

        Man, if I had Drew’s job, I would pee my pants EVERY SINGLE DAY. Does that happen to him?

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray October 30, 2014, 2:07 pm

        What no way, Jimmy Kimmel is so much funnier! Me thinks.

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      • something random

        something random October 30, 2014, 11:11 am

        JImmy’s pretty and funny but he always gave me a bad-at-relationships vibe. Is that weird?

        There’s a ton of hot celebrity eye candy but as far as funny men go, I have a soft spot for Steve Carell. That’s even weirder, isn’t it?

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      • avatar

        ktfran October 30, 2014, 10:57 am

        You’re preaching to the choir. I’m so happy I’m content at the moment.

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  • fast eddie

    fast eddie October 30, 2014, 8:17 am

    LW1&2-These guys haven’t reached a point in their lives (grown up enough) that they’re ready for an adult relationship with all the strings attached securely. Use them for boy toys but don’t put yourself in path of disappointment by expecting more then fun and games with them.

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    • avatar

      camille905 October 30, 2014, 11:16 am

      YES!

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  • avatar

    eelliinnss October 30, 2014, 9:18 am

    LW1, seriously. Break up with your boyfriend right this instant. And you know that time you’ve set aside for his daily phone calls? Instead, spend that time going out and doing fun things or studying or hanging out with people who actually like you. Holy crap.

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    • FireStar

      FireStar October 30, 2014, 9:38 am

      Great point. When you tell him that both of you are going to date others then you need to downgrade his importance in your life and the amount of time you give him. The last thing you want to do is fulfill his emotional needs by being the person that listens and cares about him… while he is dating a whole bunch of other women. If he is single then he is completely single. Your time and attention come as a package deal with commitment.

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  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite October 30, 2014, 9:20 am

    Wow LW1 MOA, quit wasting your time and money on this guy. This many problems after only 5 months should always tell you it’s time to quit it.

    LW2, He’s being upfront with you and you can take it or leave it. If you want an exclusive relationship you’re not going to find it with this guy so you might as well walk away from it if that’s your goal.

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  • avatar

    arod11 October 30, 2014, 9:26 am

    Why why why why WHY!? Both LWs need to MOA today. LW1’s boyfriend is clearly obsessed with their mutual friend, to the point that he’s not even trying to keep up the FACADE of actually caring about her. “I’m only coming if you bring the girl I ‘used to’ have a crush on”??? What kind of boyfriend is that??? Wendy is so right, you are being used.

    LW2, don’t even bother. He doesn’t love you if he doesn’t want to be with you. I think it’s totally possible for people to love each other and not want to be together anymore–AFTER they’ve already had a real committed relationship though, not before! He hasn’t even given it a real shot with you and he’s already so worried about “hanging out” with other theoretical women that he can’t try. I don’t buy for a second that he will be sexually exclusive with you if he meets another girl he likes while he’s out on the market–it’s just another way for him to try to keep you on the back burner while he does whatever he wants. If he does sleep with someone else and you find out about it, I think it’s basically a 100% certainty that he’ll say he’s single so why are you getting so upset? And he’ll kind of be right because you guys have no actual commitment that would hold him to being exclusive with you in any way. Don’t let this guy take your dignity from you–you know how awful you’re going to feel when you see/hear about him going out with other girls, and how bad it’s going to be for your self esteem to feel that you’re “not enough” for someone who “loves” you. The right guy is gonna do whatever he has to do to be with you right now.

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  • FireStar

    FireStar October 30, 2014, 9:29 am

    LW2. Tell him he is free to date – because that is what you are going to do too. You want someone who wants to be committed to you and if that is not him then you need to keep looking. And then go and do it. I hate these “you wait right here while I go see about myself – I’ll probably be back though” situations. If he can’t appreciate you then find someone who can. If he comes running back…and lord love them – they always do – then you can decide if you want him then. But do not put your life on hold for anyone.

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    • avatar

      ktfran October 30, 2014, 10:11 am

      I agree with you to a point….

      Nobody should live their life waiting for a person to come back, or “let them go,” hoping he or she comes back. I don’t think that’s what you’re saying… but I think the “they always do” comment could lead someone to believe that. And then perhaps, the person really won’t live their life in hopes for that to be true.

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      • FireStar

        FireStar October 30, 2014, 10:43 am

        It’s absolutely true you shouldn’t count on someone returning and you should live your life like they won’t. It has just been my experience that they do…but that is really just a joke in my friend circle…all my cats come back.

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      • avatar

        ktfran October 30, 2014, 10:58 am

        Nice….

        Totally new what you were saying… just didn’t want to confuse any of the super literal people out there.

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      • FireStar

        FireStar October 30, 2014, 11:03 am

        Seen.

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  • avatar

    AllegroFox October 30, 2014, 9:26 am

    I actually think guy #2 is sounding pretty reasonable – even here, we stress the importance of being single after a breakup, and our whole culture does this “BEING YOUNG AND SINGLE IS THE BEST, YOU BETTER DATE AROUND WHILE YOU’RE YOUNG, SOW WILD OATS” etc etc etc song and dance. (right before doing the “WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE, BETTER SETTLE DOWN AND GET MARRIED BEFORE YOU GET OLD HURRY UP” part, of course.) I don’t think he’s a jerk for worrying that he might someday regret not doing that, or wonder what he “missed out” on; everyone’s probably telling him he will!

    Not to say you should wait around, LW #2 – but let him go do his thing without guilt, and without feeling like he wouldn’t have wanted to if only you were somehow better/smarter/prettier/whatever. His worry likely has nothing to do with how he feels about you, and besides, if you let him go and later he comes back, you’ll have eliminated a big “what if?” from your relationship.
    Also, read this, if it’s applicable:

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    • Raccoon eyes

      Raccoon eyes October 30, 2014, 10:10 am

      AF, Im so glad I read that, if only for the closing sentence, “Throw away the dead-end man puzzles and START LIVING.” Beautiful. How I wish Id understood this concept 10+ years ago!

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster October 30, 2014, 12:34 pm

        I loved it too! “BE FORMIDIBLE”

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. October 30, 2014, 11:06 am

    LW1: Offer to stop wasting his time by dumping him immediately.

    LW2: Tell him to stop wasting your time and dump him immediately.

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    • avatar

      MissDre October 30, 2014, 11:07 am

      Perfect.

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  • othy

    othy October 30, 2014, 11:26 am

    LW1 – I was in a LDR when I was in school. He lived in one state, I lived in another, and my parents lived in a third. Despite that, we made seeing each other a huge priority. We counted down the days until we could see each other, even if it was for a short weekend, because we both felt it was important to our relationship. If he had ever told me not to bother visiting him, I would have seen it as a sign that I was no longer a priority in his life.

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  • Amanda

    Amanda October 30, 2014, 12:24 pm

    Who the hell tells someone that you’re wasting their time? I think I’ve only said that once – and that was to an extremely unhelpful customer service rep.

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  • Moneypenny

    Moneypenny October 30, 2014, 12:43 pm

    Ouch. Just ouch. LW1, I know what it feels to not be a priority in someone’s life. Who says stuff like that to someone they supposedly care about?? Cut your losses and move on.

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