Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Morning Quickies: “My Mom Thinks I Should Charge My Boyfriend for You Know What”

WTF

I’m 21 and my boyfriend of six years is 24 and we have had A LOT of issues the past years but I always forgive him because I love him. Now I’m ready to move out of my parents’ home and have my own space and it seems like he doesn’t have his money together to move in with me. He lives at home and I just don’t understand how he’s always “broke.” I even tried helping him by showing him how to save and keep track of his bills, but he’s still broke, so I’m moving alone and he’s staying at home. My question is: Do I let him spend the night with me? Do I still go and stay the night at his house? Do I break up with him? Or is this just a bump in the road? My mother thinks I should charge him for you know what, being that it seems like he isn’t helping me. — BK Girl in a MD World

Wait – what? Your mom thinks you should charge your boyfriend for sex because he isn’t “helping” you? Helping you with what? You haven’t even moved into your own home yet. Your mother thinks, when you do, that if your boyfriend isn’t paying rent or chipping in for bills, you should charge him for sex when he comes over? That’s called prostitution and my advice is that, if you have to resort to that to make ends meet, then you should probably get a roommate (not your boyfriend).

As for letting your boyfriend sleep over or not: I don’t know why a person has to be helping you pay the bills in order to sleep over once a week or so. And I don’t know why your getting your own place would change whether you stay at your boyfriend’s family’s place, unless you don’t want to (which is totally understandable). If you don’t want to, then don’t. And if you don’t want to be with a guy who’s 24 and still lives at home and doesn’t seem to have any motivation or intention of moving out and living like an adult, maybe break up and move on. You can’t change your guy. You can’t make him who you want him to be, so, if you can’t accept him as he is now, MOA.

I’m 22 and in love with my 23-year-old boyfriend. He was my best friend for five years and then one night we kissed during a drunk New Year’s party and it was magic; I knew I wanted him all to myself. However, it didn’t work out that way. I moved to another country, and after about 16 months he called and confessed he loved me and that I didn’t know how much I broke him by leaving. So I packed up and moved back, and now we’ve been together nearly a year. Unfortunately, something’s different; he doesn’t want sex or to cuddle like we used to. At night time he turns off the light and turns away from me to sleep. He makes sly remarks like “Did you go the gym?” and “Don’t wear that — it looks too small for you.” It’s really hurting me, but I know he means well.

I’ve asked about the whole no-sex thing and he just says “I don’t want kids” even though I’m on the pill and have condoms. He doesn’t even want oral when I offer. I know I’m not fat at a size 12 and 5’1. I used to be confident and feel sexy on a night out, but now I feel horrible. How can I fix this or at least get him to sleep with me? — Not Feeling Sexy

 
Your boyfriend isn’t into you anymore, but he lacks the courage to break up with you so he’s pushing you away so that you’ll be the one to end things. This is a common strategy employed by jackasses everywhere (including women). He doesn’t “mean well.” Not at all. He means the opposite of well. And don’t be surprised if, when you do break up with him (because you absolutely should!!), he tries to gaslight you and make you think this is all your fault and that he doesn’t want to break up — he just wants you to get in shape and be different than who you are. This is also a common strategy of avoiding responsibility. Do not let him do this to you. Tell him you are tired of being with a man who makes you feel like garbage and doesn’t seem to know or appreciate what he has in you. Tell him you felt less alone when you were single than you do when you’re in bed with him and he turns his back on you or tells you you need to go to the gym, so you’re going to move on so you can feel better again, like you did before you got stuck with a crappy boyfriend. You’re actually not stuck. You just have to MOA.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

13 comments… add one
  • avatar

    bondgirl December 13, 2016, 10:00 am

    LW1: Ditch the bf and live on your own for a while before cohabitating with a guy. You can’t suddenly make him want to keep track of his own finances. And I definitely wouldn’t move in with one who couldn’t be bothered to manage his own money; soon enough he’ll just do the same thing with YOURS. I hope he’s not your main reason for moving out of your parents’ home.

    LW2: Ditch the bf. You may love him but clearly the feeling is no longer reciprocated. His comments about your gym attendance don’t imply that he “means well” — he’s just mean.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros December 13, 2016, 10:04 am

    LW1: It’s a good thing that he can’t move in because you need to learn how to live on your own like an adult beforehand. Also, charging him for sex is illegal.

    LW2: What Wendy said. You took him declaring his “love” as something much bigger than it was. You saw it, apparently, as a declaration that he wanted a future with you, but he just meant he was interested in you. Now he’s not interested anymore. Time to move on from him.

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  • avatar

    Rebecca December 13, 2016, 10:30 am

    LW1: Please don’t have any more sex, paid or not, with him or anyone else, until you can call it sex. The phrase “you know what” is for teenagers, not people who need to make decisions about joint finances, pregnancy scares, or anything else in the adult world.

    LW2: Holy hell. What a nightmare. Make an effort IMMEDIATELY to disentangle your life with him, and get out. The “I don’t want you but I must control you” combination is a poisonous one, and you deserve so much better even if that’s being on your own.

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    • avatar

      Rebecca December 13, 2016, 12:22 pm

      Also, *does some quick math* you’ve been with this guy since you were 15!! Take some time for yourself, without a relationship at all, and figure out what Adult You wants in a partner.

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      • avatar

        zombeyonce December 13, 2016, 1:38 pm

        And he was 18, dating a 15-year old! 3 years is a big deal at that age. Also, it appears that she is the only one that has matured in the ensuing 6 years, which gives me hope that she can make some good choices as an adult like dumping the creepy boyfriend and not listening to her mother’s terrible advice.

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  • GertietheDino

    GertietheDino December 13, 2016, 11:32 am

    LW1: MOA
    LW2: MOA

    Pretty simple today.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark December 13, 2016, 11:38 am

    LW1). Well, if you do start charging, you better be REALLY good, I guess. PS — your mom sounds REAL classy by yhe way. And empowered. Yikes.

    LW2) He’s just not THAT into you anymore. It happens. MOA.

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  • avatar

    Stillrunning December 13, 2016, 12:08 pm

    LW2, “Sly remarks…he’s hurting me…he means well.” No, he’s treating you badly and doesn’t mean well.
    You may be in love with him and feel like what you had was magic, but he’s telling you he’s done. MOA.

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  • FireStar

    Firestar December 13, 2016, 12:17 pm

    So one boyfriend is lazy with no prospects and the other is an asshole. Why do either of you think this is the best you can do? You are both young with bright futures ahead of you. And you are going to weigh yourselves down with this nonsense? I know people say how wrong it is to be judgemental… but not when it comes to your own life. Judge the fuck away. The utopic “I have a dream speech” was about judging people by the content of their character and not the colour their skin – so judge by the content of their character for the love of all that is holy.
    A guy that is always broke, living with his parents and has no get up and go to change that used to be called a loser. Maybe he love puppies and is good to his grandma but unless you want a life of always financially supporting him then move the hell on. And hey – if he is a sweetheart of a guy that cooks for you and looks after you and meets every other need and you are cool being the bread winner then have at it…but I’m not seeing any of that in what you wrote. So if he just dead weight then find someone who shares your values when it comes to ambition and saving and building a life for yourself.
    And a guy that withholds affection and makes passive aggressive comments trying to pick apart your self esteem is an asshole. There is no fix for an asshole. There is nothing redeeming about one. The only solution is to say you figured out a way to lose a whole bunch of useless weight and to drop him. He is not your best friend anymore. I bet you anything no one treats worse than he does. If you wouldn’t accept mistreatment from a stranger why the hell would you accept it from the one person who is supposed to be in your corner?

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  • avatar

    Wwndy_not_Wendy December 13, 2016, 12:22 pm

    LW2: You sound awesome. Get out of this before you lose that confidence you have in yourself. Maybe you can go back abroad, if you enjoyed that. At your age you have way too much to do and too many people to meet to spend another day with this joker. I know he was your best friend in high school and it all sounds like it was super romantic at one point, but people change a lot between their teens and adulthood and this is just not where it’s at. You can do better–being single is better than being with someone who nags you about your weight and doesn’t want to have sex with you. And it could just be that he’s not into you anymore, but there’s also a couple of things here that ping my gaydar–he may be struggling with his sexuality. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter what the reason is–you can do better than this relationship.

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  • avatar

    LisforLeslie December 13, 2016, 1:12 pm

    LW1: You bf will spend a night or two at your place. Then he’ll stay 3 or 4 nights. Then he’ll just appear on the couch and never move and you’ll have a roommate who doesn’t bring anything into the table and expects his socks and underwear laundered and put away. Your mom is wrong for saying he should pay you for sex – she isn’t wrong for saying he needs to carry his own weight.

    LW2: Wendy nailed it. He’s not saying this as a friend. He’s not attracted to you and he feels guilty since he asked you to move back and you did. You need someone who will love every dimple of pudge on your not-fat-at-all 5’1″ frame.

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  • avatar

    Vathena December 13, 2016, 1:30 pm

    LW1, girl! You know what you need to do: dump him and don’t look back. You’ve been together since you were 15, have had “A LOT of issues” but you always forgave him because you love him? No one needs to read any further than that to know that a breakup is way overdue. Free yourself! Go live on your own and enjoy the hell out of it.

    LW2, girl! You know what you need to do: dump him and don’t look back. This guy sucks! He’s not boyfriend material. The longer you stick with him, the more he’ll drag you down.

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  • avatar

    SpaceySteph December 13, 2016, 4:59 pm

    LW2– As a 5′ 4″ size 12 who is currently pregnant, I second everyone who advises against spending another minute with a dude who even hints that you’re fat. At 22 you’re likely in some of the best shape of your life, before a sedentary 9-5 job and age and (if you want them) babies take their toll.
    My husband has loved me and wanted me when I’m fat and when I’m thin, when I’m in half-marathon shape (even when I’m post half-marathon and am bright pink and sweaty) and when I can’t run 3 miles without gasping for air, when I’m wearing tight jeans or baggy tshirts… and now when I’m expanding rapidly around the midsection and have stretch marks and weird veins and need him to cut all the garlic because the smell makes me gag.
    If a guy is this hung up on your appearance at a reasonably fit 22, his attraction is not going to weather the ravages of time and aging and childbearing at all. If you’re looking for a lifetime love, aim higher.

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