Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Morning Quickies: “She’s Heavier Than Her Online Photos. Should I Still Give Her a Shot?”

I’ve met a really great woman online, and, before meeting face-to-face, she had sent me pictures of herself — both taken a few years ago as well as recent ones. I am VERY attracted to how she looked when she was younger. She did tell me that she gained about 40 lbs. when she caring for her ill mother and wishes she was skinny like she used to be. We have amazing conversation, spending hours on the phone talking, and I really like who she is as a person. She seems to possess qualities of exactly what I would want in a partner; however, I am not sure if I can get past the weight gain. She isn’t obese by any means, and I am not a perfect 10 either – but I am wondering if I should give this some more time to develop or if I should end it before it really gets a fair start? Sometimes a person’s internal qualities override any external “flaws,” right? — Wondering about the Weight

It sounds like you really like her and you aren’t UNattracted to her, so I would give it another date or two to see how you feel. I mean, that’s the point of dating — to get to know someone, to weigh (no pun intended) potential pros and cons, and to gauge attraction level. Sometimes attraction hits you right off the bat. Sometimes it takes a little time to develop. And, sometimes, the person you thought was really hot turns out to be a cad and you aren’t so attracted anymore. At any rate, the pro column you describe sounds strong enough to at least give this a “fair start” as you say — another date or two — to see if you feel any chemistry, and to get a sense of whether this woman is serious about her desire to “be skinny like she used to be” and actively working on getting in shape. Even if she did lose weight, though, there’s no guarantee that she’ll keep it off. On the contrary, most people DO lose and gain weight over the course of their life. And, of course, people’s looks certainly change as they age. But if you can build a strong relationship on the foundation of love, respect, trust, chemistry, and initial attraction, all of that can generally carry you through the physical changes time will bring. But… yeah, if there’s no attraction to begin with, it will be hard to build the foundation you’ll need for a long and successful relationship. (Still: Give it one or two more dates before moving on. At least then you won’t have to wonder “what if.”)

I have been involved in a relationship with the same man for almost two years. He’s a gold digger but doesn’t admit it. He stopped commitment to me to see a woman who has money and takes him places. She doesn’t satisfy him sexually. He is more attracted physically to me but when sleeping just holds me all night long. I have said no to him for a couple of weeks. Will denying him eventually get him to possibly see that his relationship with the sugar mama won’t last? Can it last with me? — Not His Sugar Mama

 
No, and no. The only thing “denying” him will do is make him look elsewhere for what he can’t get from you and isn’t getting from the sugar mama. You can’t give him what his sugar mama can, and, unless he decides money and “going places” isn’t important to him, your gold-digger guy is always going to be on the hunt for someone who can provide that for him (as well as someone who can meet his sexual needs, even if that isn’t the same person).

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

8 comments… add one
  • avatar

    artsygirl December 19, 2016, 10:07 am

    LW1 – It sounds like your the poor lady has been through a stress period in her life. She is aware that she is heavier than she used to be and hopefully is taking care of herself now. Cut her some slack and see if you can actually connect.

    LW2 – Dump this cheat now. He is an asshat of the highest order (King Asshat perhaps) and is disrespecting both you and the other woman. Move on, loose his number, and get tested because I doubt if you and the other woman are the only two he is sleeping with.

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  • avatar

    Kate December 19, 2016, 11:08 am

    Aww, this extremely wonderful woman I know, her mom got a serious cancer and she went to stay with her for a couple of months and gained some weight from stress or whatever. Her boyfriend, who wanted to break up with her anyway, was a total dick about it and made her even more stressed out and obsessed with losing the weight. They broke up and I can’t tell if she’s back to her previous weight (she was never *skinny,* but she is a fabulous woman and any man would be lucky to have her. Give it a shot.

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  • avatar

    Northern Star December 19, 2016, 11:24 am

    LW: You sound like a good guy, and you already like this lady, so give her a fair shake. Maybe getting to know and like her more and more will make that attraction grow until her weight isn’t an issue. But if you still find yourself thinking about her weight after a good number of dates, please break it off. She may NEVER lose the weight, and you can’t go into a relationship hoping your partner will change something pretty major about herself.

    LW 2: Dump the loser now and don’t look back.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy December 19, 2016, 11:43 am

      Based on the return email address/name, I think LW1 is actually a woman, fyi (not that you would know that — I’m just clarifying for the sake of clarifying).

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  • avatar

    Fyodor December 19, 2016, 1:58 pm

    There’s no objective answer to when physical attraction is a dealbreaker or not but you should not date with any expectation that she’ll lose weight. People gain and lose weight but the incentives generally lean toward putting on more weight when you’re in a relationship and becoming heavier over time. You should make the decision based on whether you’d be happy if she were at her current weight or heavier indefinitely.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros December 20, 2016, 7:23 pm

    LW1: I feel like you’re attributing to much to the fact that you’ve seen pictures of her thinner. I’d say, pretend you never saw them — in that, you need to make a decision based off of what you feel now. You can’t go into it assuming she’ll lose weight. So are you attracted to her now? I’d say give it a couple more dates since you’ve hit it off so well, but don’t start a real relationship under the assumption you’ll suddenly become attracted six months down the road.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark December 21, 2016, 11:54 am

    Once somebody bloats — its your boat that their “new” look best floats.
    .
    Hate to say it, but let’s face it — few people ever actually lose excess weight. Instead, they spend a lifetime finding excuses not to… Oh, and a lifetime complaining about how much they need to do so as they reach for the Cheetos yet again.

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  • avatar

    ele4phant December 21, 2016, 12:29 pm

    Have you actually…meet her in person yet? Or even seen a picture of her at her current weight? It kind sounds like she has only sent you pictures and told you she actually weighs more now, but you haven’t actually meet her in person.

    If you don’t actually know what she looks like now, much less met her in person, you definitely owe it to both of you to meet her and see if there’s chemistry in person.

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