Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Baby Daddy Spent Money on a Big TV Instead of a Prenatal Massage for Me!”

I’m pregnant with identical twin boys and engaged to the father. But now that we’re pregnant, I’m not sure if I want to marry him. I want to make it work because we are having kids together and I don’t want our kids growing up in a broken home. We had already decided on a destination wedding when today, as we drove by a bridal shop, I mentioned how there were so many bridal dresses I loved and his response was, “Why do you want to spend money on that? All you care about is image — I thought we were going casual.” My response was it’s our wedding I want to wear a beautiful wedding dress because it’s a sacred, special day to me. Then I mentioned how he just bought an expensive 55-inch TV, and he said that was more important than spending money on a wedding dress because we could use the tv more, which I disagree with.

The TV will eventually be outdated, but our wedding will always be a special day and it’s important to me to have a photographer take pictures and to have a wedding album and to hang a big picture of us on our living room wall. So that $300-400 dress is important to me. I didn’t feel we needed a TV, but it made him happy so I was happy. I let it go even though I would have rather spent that money on our soon-to-be-born twins. We need new bedroom furniture right now and a new couch. We didn’t need a TV.

Also, when he has to pick up his 10-year-old daughter on Fridays, he gets in these horrible moods because traffic is bad and his ex-wife tends to be late most of the time; then he takes it out on me. I’m sick of being his scapegoat. Plus, even though I’m pregnant, he has not once given me a massage or rubbed lotion on my tummy, yet he always wants me to massage his head. He is so messy, too: He leaves clothes on the floor, beer caps and candy wrappers out, and his hair from shaving is all over the counter and sink. He doesn’t help clean.

I do love him, but the only thing he has going is he is a hard worker at his job and he is home when he says he’ll be home. However, when his daughter is here, it’s hard for me because it’s more dishes and laundry for me. I feel she should have a chore list and help out more. All she does is lounge. I have to work — I’m a hair dresser–and I need more help at the home, especially with this pregnancy. I need a pregnancy belt right now and a massage. That should be his priority — not a TV.

These are all red flags to me. He’s not affectionate enough for me now that I’m pregnant. He’s not putting our family needs first. It hurts to walk right now, so I could really use that pregnancy belt. I won’t be able to work soon, so all my money has gone to bills and necessities that our twin boys will need. At this point, I’m glad I got pregnant before we got married because, with these issues, I’m not okay getting married. I was already married once for 10 + years, and, even though that marriage didn’t ultimately last, I didn’t have the issues or doubts when I married my ex that I have with my current fiancé, though maybe because I’m more mature now, I don’t know.

I do want to get married again. I believe in the sanctity of marriage, but it has to feel right and this doesn’t feel right. I need resolution. Every time I try to talk to him he doesn’t let me talk. Help? — Pregnant with Twins and Not Into the 55-Inch TV

You know, I get questions like this one all the time. And I always wonder: Was your boyfriend as much of a prick BEFORE you got pregnant and BEFORE you decided to marry him? If so, did you think he would magically change? If not, WHEN did this change in behavior occur? Have you discussed what might be the issue with him? Is he feeling stressed about the idea of caring for an additional two children soon? Are you financially prepared for that demand? Have you sat down and worked on a budget?

I’m going to guess the answer to that last question is a big, fat, resounding NO. It would be the reason you are pissed that he spent money on a TV when you have so many other expenses. And it would be the reason that a pregnancy belt, which you say is a priority, and which ranges in price from like 10 to around 40 bucks, has remained unpurchased. And, look, I’m just going to say it: if you can’t afford to go out and drop what is a pretty minimal amount of cash on what you say is a necessity right now, you can’t afford a $400 wedding dress, or a wedding photographer, or a damn DESTINATION WEDDING, for that matter. And you sure as shit can’t afford twins.

Your relationship’s a hot mess right now. I’m sorry about that. But you have bigger fish to fry at the moment. You have bigger worries than the shavings in the sink and the beer caps on the floor; you need to figure out how you’re going to afford to raise these two babies. You need to figure that out NOW before you end up like this LW who had a new baby and was unemployed, homeless, and a few weeks away from being completely penniless. And since your relationship is such a mess, you should probably be figuring out how you are going to raise these babies as a single mother because, once they come along, you aren’t going to have the time and energy to work on all these issues with your man, especially if he’s refusing to discuss them with you now.

What’s your work plan? How long a maternity leave are you going to take? If it’s totally unpaid, have you started putting money aside to make up for your loss of income? Who is going to watch the babies when you go back to work? You ARE going to go back to work, aren’t you? Because if you’re having trouble coming up with an additional $25 to get a pregnancy belt when you have two incomes, how are you going to afford to feed and clothe two additional children if you go down to one income?

I know this is a lot to take in, and this isn’t the advice you want. But it’s what you need to hear: The reality is your relationship is about to take a back seat to the demands and pressures of being a mother to twin babies. If you don’t have a strong foundation to get you through the early months of the kind of stress you’re about to face, you aren’t going to have a chance to build it or work on it for quite a while. This isn’t the time to worry about a dream wedding or the bedroom furniture you say you need. This is time to get into survival mode, line up all the support and help you can, make a damn plan, and focus on being a mother. Rather than worry about your kids growing up in a “broken home” — and, ugh, that’s just a dumb term to justify staying with a d-bag who treats you like shit — you should be worrying about your kids having a home at all to grow up in.

Line up your ducks, get things in order, apply for some aid if you’re going to need assistance in the babies’ first few months while you’re un-/under-employed. Once you have those kids taken care of, THEN you can spend some of your energy figuring out where things stand with the baby-daddy and whether he’ll even be in the picture before you start shopping around for wedding photogs.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

77 comments… add one
  • norabb

    norabb February 12, 2015, 9:14 am

    WWS, but I also think you’re allowing yourself to be a doormat here. And honestly…some of the problems you have with him could be pretty easily solved or avoided. For instance, it’s clear you both have differing views on priorities (tv vs. wedding). Maybe next time you just have to say to him ‘okay, I can see we have a different idea about this. That’s okay. I’ll try to understand your point of view but I’m asking you to please try to understand mine.” And you brought up the TV as part of an argument…but down the list you say “I let it go because it makes him happy”…no. you didn’t let it go. You resented it and used it as ammunition in a later argument. The time to have stopped the purchase was past. You should have said something before.
    .
    And I’m confused about the massage thing. It doesn’t say he refuses to give you a massage…it sounds like you’re just expecting him to do it. Why not ask for what you want? He doesn’t sound that bad to me from your letter…just maybe not as concsientious as you’d like him to be. Maybe if you sat down and talked it over calmly and lovingly and with an open mind and heart, you could both work on improving the relationship together?
    .
    But Wendy is right…right now the twins are your priority.

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  • avatar

    Hannanas February 12, 2015, 9:21 am

    “I believe in the sanctity of marriage” – what does that even mean?

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray February 12, 2015, 10:42 am

      Here I think it means “it’s important to have a nice dress so I can look at the pictures forever” – maybe?

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    • avatar

      MsMisery February 12, 2015, 1:27 pm

      Clearly nothing in regards to divorce or pregnancy before marriage. Maybe missionary position only??

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    • avatar

      tbrucemom February 12, 2015, 1:59 pm

      I understand in theory, but it’s an odd comment from someone who’s divorced and having a baby when she’s not married. I’m not being judgemental, it’s just that expression is pretty old fashioned and traditonal and it doesn’t sound like any of her life choices have been either.

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    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki February 12, 2015, 3:47 pm

      In my mind it meant being faithful and committed to your spouse no matter what (you know, good times and bad, sickness and health, etc, etc)…. I didn’t think it had to do with the dress or type of wedding you were having.

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  • avatar

    jilliebean February 12, 2015, 9:49 am

    Nothing to add to Wendy’s response – it’s perfect. Why, why, WHY are all these women getting pregnant before getting their “houses” in order? All the questions Wendy is asking – most of those should be considered BEFORE deciding to bring another life into the world. Having kids is THE biggest decision you’ll ever make – it’s pretty much the only decision that’s not undoable later. So don’t rush into it!! OK cranky rant over…almost every letter lately about a crappy relationship seems to involve a pregnancy and it’s depressing me.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy February 12, 2015, 10:23 am

      Well, for one thing, people can be really careless about birth control. I’m not sure what that’s about, UNLESS, people are like, “Eh, it wouldn’t be the worst thing to have a baby.” But even then, have your freakin’ ducks in a row, AT LEAST in a financial sense, but preferably have a solid relationship foundation set, too.

      Also, there ARE accidents, even when birth control is used diligently. But even then, you’ve got 8-9 months to get things in order and figure stuff out. If you really, truly just can’t swing having a kid, own that and either have an abortion or give the baby up for adoption. If you think you can swing it, make a financial plan. Put money aside to cover any loss of income during maternity leave. Figure out what childcare will cost vs. the income of two working parents (if there even ARE two parents in the picture). Maybe it doesn’t make financial sense for both parents to work full-time. You’ve got months to figure this out and start putting money aside. If things are tight BEFORE you have a baby, they are sure as shit gonna be tighter AFTER the baby (or BABIES, plural) are born. So, in that case — if money is an issue, as it is for many — don’t go buying high-price items like TVs and wedding dresses and master bedroom furniture when you’re going to have TRUE necessary expenses coming up, like diapers and baby clothes and baby food and medical bills.

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      • avatar

        jilliebean February 12, 2015, 10:33 am

        Exactly! Everything you said is so important!! I had my babies with all my ducks in a row, pretty much, and it was STILL the most difficult, stressful thing I’ve ever done. Incredibly rewarding, of course, wouldn’t trade them for anything, blah blah but I can’t even imagine how much harder it would have been under the conditions some of these people are describing. Actually I can imagine – and it makes me want to curl up and cry. THINK, people!!!! Don’t rush into this!!!

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray February 12, 2015, 10:40 am

        You know, some people are more go-with-the-flow and can handle the pressure – in fact, they thrive under pressure. I’m starting to notice this a lot – other people prepare and prepare and think and think and plan and plan, and they are still overwhelmed and stressed out. Others don’t, and they seem to juggle fine without freaking out. Of course, for some, it’s the reverse. As long as you know what you can handle and what you can’t – and get help when you can’t. That said, I agree… now that this LW is having TWINS she really should get her priorities straight. The wedding dress and destination wedding, when she can’t afford a pregnancy belt, should NOT be a priority.

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      • avatar

        Anonymous February 12, 2015, 10:51 am

        A destination wedding even for a very small group could easily run $5K, factoring in flights, hotel, and what you’ll be charged for a ceremony, dinner, and drinks. For a bigger group it could run you $10K or more. They’re often more affordable than big weddings at home, but they’re not cheap!

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      • Portia

        Portia February 12, 2015, 3:32 pm

        I have a friend who’s an event planner and planned a few weddings, and I was talking to her about a destination wedding she was going to a few years ago for a friend of hers. Her friend had chosen the destination wedding because it was “cheaper,” even though my friend did her best to explain how it was not necessarily cheaper, even the options she was thinking of doing. When all was said and done, not only was it much more expensive for their guests (which was going to be the case anyway), but it was more expensive for the bride and groom than a non-destination wedding. Plus, a lot of the things that were in theory making the wedding “cheaper” were actually just costs passed on to their guests. Not that all destination weddings are like that, but it definitely happens.

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      • Stonegypsy

        Stonegypsy February 12, 2015, 11:24 am

        Yeah, here we have an LW who is a great example of someone who definitely does not seem to thrive under pressure.

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      • avatar

        RedroverRedrover February 12, 2015, 12:42 pm

        Yeah, but you can’t be go-with-the-flow on your relationship working out. Or having enough money to pay the bills. Well, you can, but it probably won’t work out unless you’re just super lucky. I’m not a great planner; I’m pretty disorganized, and I’m too lazy to really plan that much. But when we were talking about kids, we sure as hell went through the finances to make sure we could afford it.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray February 12, 2015, 3:28 pm

        From personal experience, the people who are really careless about birth control are a combo of “Eh, it wouldn’t be the worst thing to have a baby” and stupid / in denial that they could actually get pregnant. I mean, come on, who has sex without protection one weekend and gets pregnant? No one.

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      • Portia

        Portia February 12, 2015, 3:41 pm

        Oh totally. I have a friend who got pregnant after one week of unprotected sex with her husband with a “lets see what happens” mentality. She was also in denial about a lot of other things. Long story short, she ended up separated and on the way to divorce by the time the kid was a year old. She’s one of those examples of, the issues that bother you pre-kid are things you have to deal with and will only get worse with a kid in the picture. Also, unprotected sex produces babies, what are the odds?

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy February 12, 2015, 3:43 pm

        No, no one! No one I know.

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  • avatar

    2_J February 12, 2015, 9:53 am

    Nothing to add either, it’s been covered, BUT i couldn’t keep quiet, “WE’RE” not pregnant, YOU are pregnant… 🙂 hate to be an ass, just drives me up a wall.

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    • avatar

      MsMisery February 12, 2015, 1:31 pm

      Especially since “HE’S” seemingly not all that into it!!

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    • avatar

      tbrucemom February 12, 2015, 2:03 pm

      Thank you! That’s a pet peeve of mine too! WE”RE having a baby is find, but SHE’s pregnant!

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    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki February 12, 2015, 2:41 pm

      My husband and I joke that he’s pregnant too after he eats too much and his belly sticks out. Plus he’s gained more weight during my pregnancy than I have =/ but ultimately, yes — there’s no “we” in pregnant. There’s a “we” in having a baby, but pregnancy is all on the woman.

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  • avatar

    Mrs. Marcie February 12, 2015, 9:55 am

    LW, it doesn’t seem like you have your priorities in order either. You have a job for the time being, why can’t you buy what you need for your pregnancy. You are not married, so even if you are living together and financially entangled with your partner, you should have access to your own money to be able to buy yourself what you need. Buy the pregnancy belt, and buy yourself a prenatal massage. I don’t know if you have a wedding date yet, but definitely postpone it while you are getting used to the first few years of being a new mom, of twins no less. Forget the destination wedding and the wedding dress for now and get your own priorities in order.

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  • FireStar

    FireStar February 12, 2015, 10:00 am

    Holy missing the point batman. I can’t believe beer caps and money for a wedding dress are the problems you think you have. Wendy is so right. You need a family budget. Babies cost money. Diapers and wipes and bottles and onesies. Times two. And they are you first priority before weddings and photographs and 55 inch TVs. Shelf the wedding plans. Set the budget. Plan for your babies. When they ate taken care of then you can examine the issues in your relationship (fwiw treating you as a scapegoat more important than beer caps and candy wrappers). Get a contingency plan in place in case you no longer live with your babies’ daddy. And maybe stop talking about the sanctity of marriage tied to a wedding dress and picture hung in your living room. You are divorced, having children with a man you live with. Forget sanctity. Think practically.

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    • Eljay

      Eljay February 12, 2015, 10:46 am

      FireStar, you are on FIRE!!! Bravo.

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  • Stonegypsy

    Stonegypsy February 12, 2015, 10:53 am

    I guess we’re several months too late for “before you get engaged and have babies, definitely have a conversation about how the two of you view money and work out a plan for that cause it’s pretty important”
    /sigh/
    WWS

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  • honeybeenicki

    honeybeenicki February 12, 2015, 11:28 am

    In addition to what everyone has already said, I would suggest you also have a conversation about child-rearing. You don’t appear to be on the same page as far as his daughter goes and now you’ll have 2 more kids to navigate through co-parenting. If you think she should be doing chores and he thinks she should just be allowed to lounge, how are you going to address that? And how will that come into play later on when your twins are older? Figure out the finances and figure out the co-parenting.

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  • findingtheearth

    findingtheearth February 12, 2015, 11:37 am

    You need to evaluate your priorities. Your growing babies should be the most important. I understand the stress and hormones from pregnancy, but you really need to sit down and decide what’s most important. A wedding should be your last thought, in my opinion. Your kids will survive in a “broken home.” But they won’t survive if you are more worried about a dress and a wedding than stocking up on diapers. Decide if your boyfriend can actually commit to the long haul of raising twins. Can you survive without his support? What do you need to make this life with these babies happen? Focus on that.

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  • avatar

    Sue Jones February 12, 2015, 12:27 pm

    I personally think weddings, dresses, destinations, etc are a waste of money, but that is me. I have always been a more practical sort. I would rather be saving money for a down payment on a house. And the idea of a huge blow up wedding photo in my living room gives me hives, but again, that is just me. I was married in my living room with just my husband, stepson, a Unitarian minister guy, and 2 friends. We did not even have rings ready yet so we used our hair to make temporary ones… and we just celebrated our 18th anniversary. I think the real issue is that you don’t communicate well about finances and you both may have different financial priorities. Time for counseling. And don’t make any hasty decisions about this guy. You are about to have twins! Your body is full on hormonal! Like having 200 birth control pills racing through your system! And having a guy who works hard and comes home when he says he will is a good thing. Hair in the sink and trash around the house can be trained. Many men are slobs. (Blame their moms for that!) But slobs can be trained. Even my husband! (He was a bit of a slob and still can have that tendency but he has gotten so much better!) The TV thing… well I agree that a 55 inch TV is gross and excessive, yet we have one (my husband bought it and it lives downstairs, not in the living room. I about broke out in hives again when he suggested bringing it upstairs!). Counseling around budgeting needs to be worked out and hopefully you have enough common ground that you can come up with a plan.

    And if it were me, I would forget about the destination wedding, sell the TV and be a bit more frugal.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark February 12, 2015, 12:30 pm

    Eh… Call of the engagement and have an abortion. Sorry, sweetie, but you lost me long, long before you bitched about your step daughter NOT being your indentured servant and your fucking “chore list…”

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    • avatar

      RedroverRedrover February 12, 2015, 12:45 pm

      Actually I think that was a pretty fair point. She’s pregnant with twins, and she’s having extra work put on her. He should be stepping up and helping out, and teaching the daughter how to help with chores is important. My son is certainly going to be doing chores when he’s old enough. In fact we’re already teaching him to put his toys away. When he’s older, loading/unloading the dishwasher and taking out garbage are totally suitable for kids.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark February 12, 2015, 12:58 pm

        Um, she’s NOT even married. So yeah, it’s a little early to be crafting chore lists. And her language here was so negative… Also, I don’t believe kids aren put on this earth to lighten the load for vapid fools who have MORE babies they don’t really need of can’t truly afford. Yeah, that child is just going to LOVE this woman. Just wait and see…

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      • avatar

        RedroverRedrover February 12, 2015, 1:07 pm

        Yeah, but they live together. And when I was growing up, kids doing chores was totally normal. In fact, that’s the way to teach kids how to take care of themselves. As far as lightening the load, a partner with any kind of consideration would be looking for ways to lighten the load of a woman pregnant with his twins, not adding to it by having his kid over and expecting his partner to do all the work related to her.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark February 12, 2015, 1:10 pm

        Eh. Maybe if she stopped whining about needing a stupid dress. And prattling on and on about the sanctity of marriage while being divorced!

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      • avatar

        tbrucemom February 12, 2015, 2:08 pm

        I agree that kids should have age appropriate chores, but his daughter doesn’t live with them, she’s just visiting so yes it would be nice if she was a help but I’m not sure having designated chores to lighten the load for someone who isn’t even her stepmom when she’s supposed to be there visiting her dad is a good idea. Maybe if the request came from her dad instead but I can see where she’ll just end up resenting the twins.

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    • avatar

      Wendy (not Wendy) February 14, 2015, 10:23 am

      The most cowed and capable 10-year-olds aren’t that much help with chores, anyway, jeez.

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  • avatar

    LW February 12, 2015, 12:33 pm

    I’m the one that wrote in and I should clarify we aren’t broke and can afford these babies and are plan was to have two childeren together.I have a flexible job and will be working 2 days a week when he’s with the twins.Saving money is important to me as well as him and we like keeping a set amount of $ in savings for emergencies.Its not that I dislike the tv I love the tv and for the record I don’t resent him
    for buying it.It has made me realize we need to better communicate on these type of purchases.We aren’t homeless not poor.We were both married before and owed homes.We are just starting our new life together and family and learning as we go.He is so excited for these babies to arrive.He knows he’ll be having to pay for everything soon.I don’t have debt I own my car out right.We both like nice things and we aren’t cheap people we are frugal.Its not that I can’t go out and buy a $70 pregnancy belt (it’s not $10!)it’s that I would rather save the money for future.Since it’s a temporary item.We already have a budget for when the babies come.We know that the diapers will be expensive and so on.We wanted two kids so baby we were just in for a big surprise when we got them both at once!We knew it would be a lot of work.At the same time we were happy.I have been married before 10 plus years and communication compromise is so important if the other party is willing and let me tell you he listens and is a lot more willing.We both came from long marriages where we were put thru the ringer.Different story.We are still new and learning and growing.I love him so much.It means so much more to me getting married the second time.I know what goes into a marriage.I was married for 10 plus years he was for 12 plus years.I have just come to realize we both love saving $ and building out future.There is items that are more important to him and items more important to me..That’s where we need to communicate and compromise better.Either of us have credit card debt so what we’re buying we can afford.I just want these issues resolved before getting married.The reason we’re having a destination wedding even prior to finding out is because it’s cheaper all inclusive.Average wedding cost 30,0000 I know I had a beautiful wedding with my ex it was expensive back in 2002 and would even cost more now!

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark February 12, 2015, 12:54 pm

      Honestly? I don’t get your feeble attempt to explain all this drama over a fucking pregnancy belt. I am just left baffled by it….

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    • avatar

      Vathena February 12, 2015, 1:11 pm

      BUY THE BELT!!!! Did you not get any maternity clothes, either?! Gah!! Yes, pregnancy is a temporary condition, but YOU DESERVE TO BE AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE WHEN YOU ARE A PREGNANT WOMAN. Especially when you are pregnant with twins!!! Good God. Amortize that $70 over each day you’ll wear the belt, and it’s less than the cost of a cup of coffee. IT IS WORTH THAT AMOUNT. When you are done with it, you can resell it via Craigslist or consignment (come to think of it, that would be a good way for you to find a cheaper, gently used one) or pass it along to a friend, or donate it to charity and take the tax deduction.

      And “He doesn’t let me talk” vs “He listens” …which is it?

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy February 12, 2015, 1:16 pm

        And it doesn’t have to be $70, just like a wedding doesn’t have to be 30 grand. There are tons of mid-priced belts for$ 25-40. But, yeah, even if you get the top-of-the-line $70 belt (which maybe you should if you’re carrying twins), isn’t that worth it to be able to walk??

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      • avatar

        MsMisery February 12, 2015, 1:34 pm

        I will admit to having never heard of a “pregnancy belt” before this thread but if it helps ya walk, lady, what’s to consider?

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        ktfran February 12, 2015, 1:30 pm

        My fiance is an inconsiderate a hole, hahahaha, JK, no he’s not, he’s perfect.

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      • avatar

        tbrucemom February 12, 2015, 2:12 pm

        Thank You! I was just thinking the same thing. In her letter she can’t say anything positive about her fiance but in her comment she’s so defensive about our comments and now he’ somehow so, so wonderful!

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    • othy

      othy February 12, 2015, 1:15 pm

      If you’re worried about a $70 belt that’s ‘temporary’ because you’d rather save the money, why are you so concerned with getting a $400 wedding dress? You know you can have a lovely wedding (and be just as married) by going to the courthouse. And wearing a cheap dress. And still be just as married (and even have great photos!) at the end of the day. https://www.buzzfeed.com/mackenziekruvant/city-hall-weddings-that-prove-less-is-more#.dmKgX3dbo)
      .
      It really sounds like you two are nickle and diming each other about some things while paying way too much money on others. Being debt free is great, but you both need to communicate more about finances. You seem to want an ‘ours’ option, while he is still thinking in terms of ‘yours and mine’.
      .
      If I were you, I’d hold off any wedding plans for long after the kids are born. You two don’t sound ready at all.

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      • avatar

        Vathena February 12, 2015, 1:24 pm

        I’m confused about the timing of the wedding, too – is it supposed to be before the twins are born? If she already knows they are boys, can’t walk comfortably, and won’t be able to work soon, I’d guess that the third trimester is fast approaching. Good luck finding an OB who thinks that getting on a plane for a destination wedding during your third trimester with twins is an okay idea.

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      • avatar

        booknerd February 13, 2015, 11:47 am

        Seriously! Lol, the belt is something to really think about but a $30,000 wedding… Go to the damn courthouse!

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    • avatar

      Hannanas February 12, 2015, 1:22 pm

      This “explanation” kind of proves you really are missing the point. I mean, what are you TALKING ABOUT?

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    • avatar

      TheRascal February 12, 2015, 3:11 pm

      This statement confuses me the most (the whole response is kind of nonsensical): ” I would rather save the money for future.Since it’s a temporary item.”
      *
      Arguably, aren’t you BOTH saving money for your future TOGETHER? How can you be mad at your boyfriend for not providing this item if you would rather money go to your future? Have you had a talk about how you will handle finances (ie, are you planning to combine your incomes)?
      *
      I have no idea what to make of this, other than it appears that the two of you do not communicate well and have different MATERIAL priorities.

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    • avatar

      girodet February 12, 2015, 3:29 pm

      After hearing this additional information I don’t think you really have a problem. I think you are just stressed about the wedding and being pregnant. It is understandable to want to go into a wedding all smiles and bliss. However you are going into the wedding pregnant. A wedding is an emotional event and being pregnant cause’s emotions to escalate. Ultimately I think there may be some small communication issues which can easily be fixed. You need to sit down with him and figure out a final plan for the wedding and all that it entails. Where you get some of what you want and he gets some of what he wants. Then you need to talk about how to handle purchases. It seems a good option would be for you two to agree on purchases over a certain amount must be a joint decision. I’m thinking the concerns about his daughter would be better handled after the wedding and after the babies come. When you are officially a family he may be more willing to discuss the raising of his daughter in a more joint manner.

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      • Boobs Magee

        Boobs Magee February 12, 2015, 4:16 pm

        “After hearing this additional information I don’t think you really have a problem.”

        What……….???

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    • redessa

      redessa February 12, 2015, 5:15 pm

      “Every time I try to talk to him, he doesn’t let me talk.”
      .
      “…and let me tell you he listens…”
      .
      Huh? Which is it? Either you were overly frustrated and greatly exaggerated things in your original letter – talking about red flags and the only thing he has going for him – or you’re completely missing the big picture here. It’s understandable if you’re feeling defensive right now, but this response is describing a completely different relationship and financial situation.
      .
      And seriously, if you’re this hung up on $70 for a needed pregnancy device, you should not be looking at anything close to $30,000 for a wedding. There are plenty of simple, tasteful ways to have a wedding on a much smaller budget – assuming you still even want to marry him. Just sayin’, I wouldn’t put any non-refundable deposits down quite yet.

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    • avatar

      Sunshine Brite February 12, 2015, 5:26 pm

      You go from questioning if you should marry him to being like he’s all perfect? WTF. It sounds like he has some questions too if he thinks you’re all about image. It’s almost comical you don’t want your kids to grow up in a broken home when you want to be married and are not.
      .
      If you’re trying to save money then he’s right a casual dress (there are nice $100 ones out there) will do best. Hell, I have one I’ll sell you for $150 that’s not casual at all. It may be something that you need to actually think about why you want something spendy since it’s not a need. It’s like you want us to tell you his logic around the TV is wrong – it’s wrong to buy a TV when you need to save for twins, but if you two are logic-ing around these 2 purchases then neither is right/wrong just need to discuss and compromise. You sound super passive aggressive.
      .
      Have you asked him to act differently or calm down on Fridays? I would be a bit bitchy in that situation too and would try and find another outlet if I was pissing my partner off with negativity/frustration. Otherwise, he is a prick as noted by Wendy.
      .
      Again, discuss cleanliness. And his daughter’s chores. And buy yourself a belt/massage.
      .
      How is it you defend him as a partner and also say “the only thing he has going is he is a hard worker at his job and he is home when he says he’ll be home.” Talk about low standards. Why do you want to be with someone who “doesn’t let you talk”?
      .
      Planning to have 2 kids together someday and actually having 2 kids together shortly are 2 veerrrry different scenarios. You don’t sound anywhere near ready for them with this ridic attempt to defend everything you presented before. Ha, trying to defend all this as frugality is hilarious to me. You both need to learn to communicate a hell of a lot better.

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  • avatar

    Kathy February 12, 2015, 12:49 pm

    I agree with Wendy but I’d go one step further. If you do anything about these babies you should start making arrangements now to PUT THEM UP FOR ADOPTION. You and this guy aren’t showing any signs of putting the two babies at the top of your priority list which is where they should be right now. I’m still reeling that you actually said “I’m glad I got oregnant before I got married”. That might be the most selfish statement I’ve ever heard! You want a massage belt and he wants a big screen TV yet the amount of money you are going to need to raise these babies is extraordinary! Not to mention that the stress you are about to experience raising twins in something you cannot even imagine. You already have three strikes against you 1) you know he’s not making you or the babies a priority and 2) chances of divorce triple when there are twins and 3) he already shows you that having his daughter with him doesn’t make him happy or joyful which one would expect if it’s just once a week. Did you get pregnant on purpose? All these years you knew how to use birth control and suddenly you didn’t? I think that if you care about these babies you should make the unselfish decision to find them a home where the mom and dad want them and are prepared to care for them. Twins are in high demand in the adoption world. After that you need to figure out why you keep making bad choices in men and don’t marry someone (or get PREGNANT) until you’ve dated them at least two years. This is exactly why you should spend a good amount of time dating, then marry, see how that goes, and only IF you are both responsible and committed get pregnant. I still cannot believe your concerns right now are on a wedding dress, photographer, or more shocking destination wedding. You lost a chance for all that when you got pregnant with twins before you had picked out a good guy.

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  • avatar

    Shawn February 12, 2015, 1:00 pm

    Why do you talk like you have to have an all inclusive wedding? So what if the average wedding is 30 grand. You both already had big weddings, you don’t need another. If you want your kids to have a good, stable future then why not go to the justice of the peace, pay $50 and get married? Instead you’d rather build up credit card debt, then justify throwing your twin babies in daycare so you can pay it off. At some point they will need money for college but how will you afford that?? I don’t think you have a clue how expensive twins are even if you had planned on two kids. Do you really think you can trust him to watch twin babies for two days a week? He cannot even clean up after himself so how can he care for two babies at the same time?? Even the best mothers get so stressed sometimes they have breakdowns. You need to seriously examine what you are about to get into. A wedding should be the farthest thing from your mind!!

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  • avatar

    Eve February 12, 2015, 2:12 pm

    I have nothing to add.
    But if there’s one life lesson I’ve learned from reading this column every day, it’s use birth control (effectively) before I get married to anyone. And, leading on from that, don’t get married (or engaged!) to someone who’s a d*** and who I feel the need to write massive letters in relationship columns about describing all his negative qualities and how hurt/upset/unhappy I am with him. (done that already; obviously minus the marriage and the pregnancy, thank God).

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    • Lyra

      Lyra February 14, 2015, 10:48 am

      I learned that lesson when I wrote like 542 forum threads about my ex and how much I loved him BUT he had this and this and this and this wrong with him. We had a SPECIAL LOVE.

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  • avatar

    kali February 12, 2015, 2:20 pm

    I know I’m judgmental but these people should not be parents. Period. They’re just not ready.

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  • avatar

    acastil5 February 12, 2015, 3:11 pm

    You don’t sound as old as say you are in your letter. I was thinking early twenties then you went and said you had been married for 10 years before…think about that. I hate it when people expect other to read their mind, you want a massage ask for it! You need a belt get one! Have you asked him to talk to her about helping? Do you have a relationship with her that you could speak about this yourself or do you see her just as a burden? Quit thinking about the wedding period and focus on your babies. You aren’t gonna have time to worry about dresses or portraits in a few months, and this is just me, but I don’t think second weddings should be that big of a deal. Presumably you’ve done the blushing bride thing…let it go.

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  • avatar

    booknerd February 13, 2015, 11:50 am

    I couldn’t even with this letter. Talk about your priorities being completely misdirected.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom February 13, 2015, 12:09 pm

    I’d go and get the belt right away. Twins tend to come early, sometimes very early because the cervix can’t carry the weight of two babies. Helping support that weight can’t hurt and might do a lot of good for your children.
    .
    As far as the destination wedding goes, I think you can put it on hold for about 8 to 10 years. You are too far along to travel now without risking having a premature birth a long ways from home. You don’t want to be in a position where neither of you can work because you are in a foreign location and you can’t go home because your babies are in the hospital for months.
    .
    Once your children are born it will be very difficult to travel with two babies, two toddlers, two preschoolers, and so on. By the time they are 8 to 10 years old it would be easier to the point that it could be a fun experience. Traveling for a wedding with young children would just be hard work.

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    • avatar

      RedroverRedrover February 13, 2015, 3:12 pm

      Eh, travelling with little ones isn’t all that hard. When they’re really young, like 6 months, they’re not bad, but then I’d wait till 2.5 or so. Unless they’re travelling with other members of the family, which would make it easier. Like if I had my mom and dad with me, in addition to my husband, I wouldn’t mind travelling with my little one near as much.
      .
      But I totally agree that if they’re thinking of doing the wedding before the birth, they should think again. Twins make it automatically a risky pregnancy. You don’t want to be somewhere without the best medical care, and like you say, you could also get stuck there if they had to stay in a NICU or something.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom February 15, 2015, 8:22 am

        I was thinking of two adults with two small children. We would travel with two adults with one small child and it was work. Two adults to keep two small children quiet and entertained in the airport and during the flight or flights will be work. Also a wedding and honeymoon with two small children would be spending a lot of time entertaining small children unless there were other adults to help watch the children. I’ve been assuming that there wouldn’t be other adults because she doesn’t mention any and because she keeps insisting that their destination wedding would be cheap. I don’t think she is calculating the price of additional guests. I get the sense, and I could easily be wrong, that it is her and the fiancé going to the wedding, with I’m assuming their sons and his daughter. Maybe they have family they would leave all of the children with and have just the two of them. That would be both cheaper and easier. Now she says that the babies are coming at 32 weeks. Severely premature babies aren’t going anywhere for a while.

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  • avatar

    va-in-ny February 13, 2015, 3:06 pm

    Honestly, you’re allowing a lot of your issues to happen because you’re not speaking up about what you want/need. You want a foot massage? Ask for it. “..even though I’m pregnant, he has not once given me a massage or rubbed lotion on my tummy, yet he always wants me to massage his head.” Does he know that you’d like to have those things? Also, does he know that it bothers you that he doesn’t help clean up? And that his daughter doesn’t help either? He talks over you and you allow it. If it were me and my fiance bought a TV without telling me, told me I couldn’t get a dress for our wedding, got pissy with me because he had a bad commute, then wouldn’t allow my thoughts on finances to be heard… oh, hell no. I WOULD NOT STAND FOR IT.
    .
    People will continue to treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Ask the daughter for help. “Hey, future step-daughter, could you help me clean the kitchen up tonight? That would be wonderful, thank you!” Tell your fiance that you need help with cleaning, and that you’re feeling low and could use some additional affection because of the pregnancy.
    .
    Also, truth? If you ‘can afford these babies’, and a wedding (as you say in the above comment), there shouldn’t be an issue with a $70.00 pregnancy belt. You’re either not telling the truth, or you’re creating drama because you want to create drama.

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  • avatar

    Kim February 13, 2015, 4:35 pm

    Why did you quit taking birth control?? To trap him into marrying you? I just don’t buy that it was an accident, if that’s what your excuse is. Timing is everything and if you knew how to prevent a pregnancy all these years than you shouldn’t have quit so that he’d marry you. I think the above post was right on about adoption. Neither of you are prepared to raise two babies together and from the sounds of it you both have a ton of growing up to do. Do you realize how many men are out there that go to work & are home when they say they’ll be? That’s really low standards and I sure as heck wouldn’t bring twin babies into this world by myself because that’s what’s going to happen here. You have so many issues and for a marriage with twins to last you must have an extremely solid foundation and a ton of good luck. You aren’t even close to that!! Adoption is the best option.

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  • avatar

    LW February 15, 2015, 5:34 am

    It’s apparent with most peoples comments you are clearly not reading my post properley.Yes twins do come early these twins are coming at 32 weeks due to sharing a placenta and other risk factors.Nimber two i’m not worried at the moment about a destination wedding.My babies and bed rest is my top priority.Nor would I spend 30,000 in a wedding if you actually read my post properly.How dare you say put my babies up for adoption.These babies are my world..My fiance and I were already going to get married prior to pregnancy.We wanted babies together and were not trying or preventing.For the comments made on have a abortion how dare you.You haven’t ever experianced the loss of a child.These babies are a blessing.For the guy making rude comments about me my step daughter she loves me so much.She is here a lot on weekends and all summer.We have a great relationship and we do a lot of fun things together.She tells everyone I’m her mom.Kids do need age appropriate chores for their age.Otherwise you’ll be crippling them for when they get in the real world.My parents gave me chores and I’m so glad they did.Yes people I have maternity clothes!Our twins have everything they need and a loving home with two parents and a big sister that have so much love.We are not young and stupid.You choose your heaven or your hell.A lot of you seem angry on your post.Let me clarify what I mean by the sanctity of marriage that means I believe in it…it’s the reason why I was married 10 plus years as well as why my fiance was married for 12 plus years.My fiance didn’t have a real wedding line I did it’s why it was something he wanted until I explained the work planning and cost.Destination wedding don’t cost a lot silly people!Do your research before you comment so hardly.We had already priced out our wedding prior to babies.Its sound like some of you haven’t gone to all inclusive vacations I use to go every year when I was married.For those of you saying I didn’t let the tv go I really did.You do have to pick and choose your battles and learn when in a newer relationship if it’s worth battling over?No it’s not worth getting a wrinkle over.Happiness is a choice we all must make.When you choose a positive attitude you bring good energy and joy.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy February 15, 2015, 7:05 am

      I’m sorry, I can’t let this go. After editing your original letter and now seeing a couple long comments from you, I just have to say this: you need a space after a period (not two! Just one!).

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      • Monkeysmommy

        monkeys mommy February 16, 2015, 10:18 am

        And it is number* not nimber…

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom February 15, 2015, 8:39 am

      People think that you have a serious relationship problem because you wrote in saying that you aren’t sure you want to marry your fiance. Then your next focus was on the wedding dress and the tv and since that was your focus it was what people commented about. If you were as happy as you now claim to be you wouldn’t have been so frustrated and upset that you wrote the letter in the first place. You need to focus on better communication and on having the healthiest babies possible. They are already going to be born at a very early date and are going to spend a while in the hospital under the best of circumstances. The odds are good that they will come home a few months after their birth and have a good life but a premature birth is risky and the number of complications is much higher than a full term pregnancy would be. If you have no financial problems I don’t understand why you haven’t already bought the pregnancy belt. It is just part of taking care of these babies at this point in time. Your original letter says that everything you are making is going toward current bills and to purchase things the babies will need, to the point that you don’t feel that you can afford the pregnancy belt then you claim that you have no financial problems but that isn’t the impression from the original letter. Which is it actually? Or is the problem that you are paying for things like the bills and your fiancé is paying for frivolous things. Is he contributing in a fair way to your joint necessary expenses? You were frustrated enough over his money habits that you wrote a letter. Can you pinpoint why you are frustrated. You don’t need to tell us but you do need to talk to him and work out a budget, the sooner the better or your frustration will reach the point where you leave him. I’ve seen a few couples where the wife paid for the necessities and the husband used his money as fun money. They didn’t last. The stress builds when children are added and the wife’s money has to stretch further than before and the husband doesn’t pick up the slack. The wife ends up further ahead if she gets divorced and gets child support payments because then he is at least forced to pay something towards the care of his children. Make sure he signs the birth certificate so that he can be held responsible for the financial care of his children.

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    • Lyra

      Lyra February 15, 2015, 1:12 pm

      Here’s the issue: in your original letter, there were MANY things wrong with your relationship. You literally didn’t have one good thing to say about your fiance. He bought a TV without talking to you about it, he leaves his clothes all over the floor, he doesn’t have his daughter help out around the house, he doesn’t show affection to you, he’s taking his anger out on you when his ex wife is late picking up his daughter, he isn’t putting his family first… Some of those are not crazy big issues, but when you add them all up, your relationship is very broken. You say you don’t know if you even want to marry your fiance in your original letter, and now he’s loving and caring and great. Uh…ok?
      .
      Think about what caused you to write in to an advice column in the first place. What made you realize that this wasn’t working? How does your fiance make you feel? Does he help out? Does he show he cares about you and try to make your life easier? Frankly from your original letter he does NOT sound like a catch. If the issue is paying for a wedding dress that is $400 and a belt that is $70, can you really afford these twins? THAT is why people are talking about adoption. I know you want these children, but what kind of life are you able to provide for them if you’re not working and your fiance is off buying new TVs? Seriously sit down and think about that. People aren’t suggesting adoption to make you mad, they’re suggesting adoption because it sounds like that may be the best option if purchasing a $70 pregnancy belt is a stretch right now.

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    • avatar

      Eve February 15, 2015, 3:12 pm

      Meh, to be fair it now seems to me to be a case of someone writing a letter in a state of distraught/frustration/hormones and us reading too much into something which is a pretty ill-represented reality. I think in her first letter she has exaggerated how bad their financial situation is and not said anything nice about her husband because she was frustrated at him and just wanted to vent basically.. I don’t think she actually wanted any serious advice, she was just acting on her frustration. Not to mention that it IS difficult to represented your whole life situation in a single letter with all the different nuances – that’s why you need to construct the letter carefully for people to get a realistic idea of what the problem is, what advice you want, what are the “buts” and try really hard to be as objective as you can to ensure you get the most accurate and applicable to your case advice.
      In this case I don’t think she really wanted any advice, she just wanted people to agree with her on her husband being a jerk because she was upset with him in that exact moment, which is why she’s contradicting herself so much in her subsequent replies. Also she isn’t mentioning in her other replies exactly what her problem is and exactly what kind of advice she wants.. It seems as if it’s own blown away now and she doesn’t even care – aka she is in peace about the situation.

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      • avatar

        Eve February 15, 2015, 3:15 pm

        About the fiance, my bad. Sorry for any mistakes.

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      • Lyra

        Lyra February 15, 2015, 3:50 pm

        I disagree. I haven’t been with my fiance for overly long, but even when I’m most frustrated with him I would never write a letter like the one above. Navy Guy has his quirks and his faults, but nothing near as severe as ALL the things that she wrote in her original letter. Yes it IS difficult to portray the situation in a few paragraphs, but at the same time I guarantee there is truth to everything she wrote above. I can attest to the fact that DWers are actually pretty accurate when giving advice and reading between the lines, even when the LW doesn’t want to hear it. Every time I wrote about an issue with my ex on the forums, even though it was only about 3 paragraphs, people on here told me that they weren’t sure it was the right relationship for me. That wasn’t want to hear, and I maintained a relationship with him for a while after that, even when I shouldn’t have.
        .
        Not to mention usually when the person tries to paint the situation in a different light and try to clarify things,, as the LW is doing here, that indicates to me that they don’t want to hear the advice and they are denying that there might be some truth to what people on DW are saying. I don’t think this is a misunderstanding at all — it sounds like the LW and her fiance have some pretty serious issues to work through, primarily communication, which is NEVER a good sign for a relationship

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      • avatar

        Eve February 15, 2015, 6:12 pm

        Yes, the standard “but this is not what I said at all, why are you being so unfair on me, you don’t understand me” is definitely an option, as usual. LW, I if you’re still reading I don’t mean anything bad by this, it’s a very common response if you’re given opinions and advice which are hurtful to you or not what you expected. You just need to read them and try to be 100% honest with yourself, see if there is truth in them. People generally are here to help and try to give objective advice based on the info you’ve given, no one aims to hurt you on purpose. (although I do agree the way some of the “advice” is given is outright rude and insensitive).
        Lyra, it’s just that I personally have had the opposite of your experience. I am normally a very self-critical person and do seek constructive criticism (not that I love it, but it’s the only way to get good at anything in life), but sometimes when I’ve posted letters in similar web sites (not just DW) regarding more intricate, complicated issues, the responses I’ve received have been just.. totally untrue. (not all and not always, but enough of them were). I found that that’s because you can only write so much in a few paragraphs and the readers jump into very harsh conclusions by reading into the smallest details without knowing other important facts. For example, if you’re writing about the problems you and your partner have been having, and if they require a lot long of explanations (the types I give haha), it comes across as the only thing you have in your relationship are … problems and nothing good ever happens (while you’ve just decided to talk about these problems to make the letter shorter). And then when you start clarifying things they tell you you’ve got all ‘defensive’ and that you don’t want to hear ‘the truth’ or that you’re contradicting yourself. Thing is, even after considering carefully each piece of advice, most of it has clashed with reality so I have felt I needed to explain. This is really what puts me off posting letters about serious complicated issues, knowing I’d need to write follow up letters clarifying things which would make people comment on me being defensive and I won’t really get anywhere in terms of actual advice. And I have seen this before with other users too.
        I totally get that people just want to help (in the end i am also one of those people who tries to help whenever I think I can give good quality advice) but I do think sometimes people write or word certain things based on their current emotional state, and because this letter is the only thing we have, we CAN jump into wrong conclusions, in certain cases. We don’t have the whole picture and if we do get it, we only believe that the first version of the letter is the ultimate truth and everything else is the LW being defensive/ misportraying/ contradicting, which may not necessarily be true.

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      • Lyra

        Lyra February 15, 2015, 11:31 pm

        I’m not denying that sometimes we can read the letters the wrong way. Yeah that happens sometimes, but honestly I don’t think this one is that way. They are having a ton of issues, and she says outright in her first letter that she’s not sure she wants to marry this guy. And he doesn’t sound like a nice guy to be honest. I would be incredibly pissed if a significant other went out and bought a TV without talking to me first. Fundamentally it sounds like they have some issues with money, which in and of itself is a pretty big thing. I have to say it sounds like she’s in denial about some things in the relationship. Even if we’re reading into it the wrong way, she really needs to be 100% honest with herself. I don’t think she’s doing that yet.

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    • Monkeysmommy

      monkeys mommy February 16, 2015, 10:27 am

      LW, you are getting the responses based on your original submission. You painted your fiance’ like a total asshat, now you are saying he is perfect. I tend to agree with you, actually. I don’t think he is the problem; I think it is you. You honestly sound like an exhausting attention whore. You bitch and moan about alllllll the things he does not do for you, hoping someone will feel sorry for you, instead of telling you that you are immature and need to put your kids up for adoption.

      Sorry, but I do not have sympathy for you. You brought on all these harsh reactions yourself. I read and re-read your letter, and yeah, we all read it correctly. Like so many before you OP, you did not get all the attention and sympathy you crave, and you totally changed your story. Whatever.

      Oh, and I agree with you man on the dress as well; you are pregnant, you don’t need a fancy dress. Even if you are doing the wedding post-baby, you still do not need it. Destination wedding? Cool; I did that. It was over 10K for the “all inclusive” wedding, plus airfare for all of our friends and family. Don’t tell me I do not know what I am talking about or call me silly. I have been there, done that, and I know what is involved. Buy a simple, 100$ gown and move on! Hell, I will sell you mine for 150! And prenatal massage? Go to the spa if you need a massage so bad. They are trained in prenatal massage and will not hurt you; he may not KNOW how to handle that. And the belt? Buy it or don’t, but quit blaming him for that.

      Ok, rant over! I am off work today and catching up on all the posts I have been itching to comment on 😉

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  • avatar

    Kate February 15, 2015, 7:23 am

    Destination weddings cost thousands of dollars. I got married a year ago at an all inclusive in Cabo, and with 50 people it was… A lot. Certainly nowhere close to $30K but still, I’m not sure that when you priced out a destination wedding you did the whole budget in detail. I’ve helped other people plan theirs as well.

    I go to all inclusives a lot, and I like to go in early December which is after Hurricane season but not peak prices. For two people for 7 nights it’s gonna run you $1200 to $1500 a person for a nice but not over the top place. So you’re starting at $3K for the trip alone. The wedding packages at those places are thousands on top of that.

    Your original post made it seem like a $400 dress was out of reach right now, so I’m not following.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom February 15, 2015, 8:42 am

      Not only is the $400 dress out of reach but also the $70 belt is too.

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  • avatar

    109 February 17, 2015, 11:51 am

    A married home isn’t always better than a “broken” home. LW, you’re hoping your BF will magically straighten out into a helpful father, but he sounds like another child you have to take care of. . . and pay for. Better for your twins to have all your care, money, and attention. Rather than what’s left over after you serve as scapegoat and maid for your man-child of a boyfriend.

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