My problem is this: My boyfriend said he would quit smoking and drinking, but so far it has all been talk. He was turning into a jerk because of his drinking, and I had to leave on a few occasions because of it. I am staying at my parents’ house currently while waiting for him to change, but recently I have begun to think I am wasting my time. I was cleaning his apartment the other day while he was at work, and I found a stash of weed. Naturally, I am infuriated, especially because I had gone on and on about how proud I was of him for quitting. I told him what I found, and he tried to justify it by saying it’s better than his drinking (which he still does, but not as excessively) and it’s not like he’s smoking crack.
I cannot understand why he refuses to give up his habits and resorts to being dishonest about them with me. Am I being too hard on him? Should I give him more time? I really don’t want to be a single mom, but, from the looks of it, there may not be much of an option here. Any advice is greatly appreciated! I’m at the end of my rope. — Are We Up in Smoke?
You seriously can’t understand why he refuses to give up his habits and is dishonest with you about them? He’s not giving up his drinking and smoking because he likes drinking and smoking. And he’s lying to you about drinking and smoking because he knows you want him to give those things up and it’s easier for him to tell you he is and then do it behind your back than to actually give them up. I’ll repeat: He does not want to give them up. He isn’t motivated to apparently, or isn’t ready, or doesn’t like being told what to do by you. If I were you, I’d quit trying to force him to give up his habits and figure out whether, and in what capacity, you want this guy to be in your life.
You need to decide whether his habits are bad enough to warrant breaking up and living apart and raising your child on your own. Quit wasting time sitting around waiting for him to change and start making proactive and smart decisions about your future as a single parent. Take a parenting class. Take a childbirth class. Make sure you’re getting good prenatal care. (And as an FYI: The time to quit smoking pot isn’t “shortly into the first trimester,” it’s as soon as you find out you’re pregnant or think you could be pregnant! I’m not generally a pearl-clutcher, but, God, you’re painting yourself to be so responsible giving up booze and pot when it sounds like you didn’t even give those up immediately — at least, not the pot — and that is the absolute bare minimum expected of a pregnant woman). Also, stop cleaning your boyfriend’s apartment, wtf.
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