Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Best Friend’s Husband Came On to Me!”

Threesome

At a party over the weekend, my best friend’s husband confessed to me that he wanted to have sex with me. We had been drinking pretty heavily, and he got explicit. At one point he even rubbed his erection on my hip. We are very good friends and so no one thought it was strange that the two of us were seemingly in deep conversation in a quiet corner of the party. I’ve always thought he was attractive, and I was very flattered so I let him carry on longer than I should have. I told him it wasn’t going to happen — that he was married and that I am engaged and he should let it go. His response was that he would hold onto hope for a foursome. Should I tell my fiancé (also a good friend of his) that he came on to me and was inappropriate? I don’t want to tell my friend and put strain on their relationship. I just am unsure of how to go forward from here. — Between a Rock and a Hard Place

This is such a sensitive issue because there are four major relationships that could be affected — your relationship with your fiancé, his relationship with his friend, your relationship with your best friend, and her relationship with her husband. If you say something, you risk damaging or possibly even ending any of those relationships. You risk not being believed. You risk a potential “he said/ she said” scenario where your friend’s husband calls you a liar and produces his own story of the events, either saying you’re making up the entire thing or that you were the one who came on to him.

If you don’t say something, you risk sending the message to your friend’s husband that you’re OK with his behavior — especially since you didn’t stop it immediately when it was happening. You risk letting him behave this way to you again — or even “holding out hope for a foursome.” You also risk feeling guilty if your friend’s marriage suffers, knowing that you had insight into her husband’s behavior that you never shared with her.

You really have to weigh the possibilities and decide which scenario presents the lesser risk. If it were I, I would probably opt for silence, and then never, ever get drunk around that particular person again. I would also cut back on double dates and make excuses for hanging out together as a foursome (oy). With the holidays coming up, that might be easier to do — you have the excuse of being busy with family, going to work parties, maybe traveling, and, of course, you’re busy planning your wedding.

What I would NOT do is only tell your fiancé and not tell your friend. If you decide to say something, you have to say something to both of them. Your fiancé is going to hear that his friend rubbed his erection on you (oy, again) and he’s going to go after the guy. You think that’s not going to get back to your friend? Maybe it won’t. But there’s a good chance it will. There’s a good chance that her husband will either confess OR tell her (and your fiancé) that you lied. Either way, if your reason for not telling your best friend is because you don’t want to put a strain on her marriage, then you shouldn’t tell anyone.

One final option is to say something to the guy who came on to you. I would do this in person or over the phone — not in a text or email that could potentially be found by the wrong person. I’d say something like this: “We had a lot to drink the other night and some inappropriate things were said between us. I love my fiancé and I love your wife and I would never want to say or do anything to jeopardize those relationships, so I suggest we move on and never, ever let a conversation like that happen between us again.”

And then move on and never, ever let a conversation like that happen again.

***************

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

96 comments… add one
  • avatar

    TECH November 19, 2013, 9:12 am

    Oh. my. God. I reacted to this letter with equal parts laughter and horror. I think, depending on the letter writer’s relationship with the man who came on to her, she should talk to him directly about this. Ideally in person, and if not possible, over the phone.
    There’s a strong possibility he was so drunk he doesn’t even remember the incident, given how outrageous his behavior was.
    So, if the letter writer has the opportunity to speak with him, she can let him know how uncomfortable she felt, how she never wants it to happen again, and how each relationship should be valued and boundaries respected.
    Hopefully, he is completely embarrassed, contrite, and vows to never let something like that happen again. Then the LW can move on.
    On the other hand, this is the best friend’s husband. If my best friend’s husband did this to me, you better believe I would tell her right away and tell her everything. Because we have that kind of relationship. And she would believe me. She trusts me as much as she trusts any one in the world. But that’s just our relationship. Every relationship has different qualities and characteristics — what works for one wouldn’t work for another.

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  • avatar

    Lily in NYC November 19, 2013, 9:16 am

    I say just leave it be – mainly because it sounds like he was really drunk and it was a one-time thing. If he does it again, then think about telling. My best friend’s husband got wasted at a bbq and stood up and loudly announced that he loved my boobs and that I was probably great in the sack. I was sitting next to my friend and I was mortified (we co-hosted the party and some of my coworkers attended). Thank god she laughed it off. He was really, really contrite the next day and fell over himself apologizing to both of us. And he never acted like that again. So my vote goes for benefit of the doubt.

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    • avatar

      ktfran November 19, 2013, 9:32 am

      Something similar happened to me once, but I was with my friend and her husband and her husband was super drunk. He said something along the lines of . . . I would marry ktfran if I wasn’t already taken . . . AWKWARD. But, we all laughed it off. I think of this guy as a brother. Heck, his wife is pregnant and obviously can’t drink, he was going to an amazing beer fest last Saturday, his friend canceled and I was next in line. So, we’re all cool with each other.

      I think the difference between our situation and the LW’s is that he actually came on to her. What he did wasn’t really in a joking or fun manner. And they weren’t around other people.

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  • avatar

    TheOtherOtherMe November 19, 2013, 9:19 am

    What TECH said. When you’re both sober (and preferably alone), talk to the friend’s husband and tell him you NEVER want to hear any remarks like that again. And then act like it never happened. Unless, of course, it does happen again, in which case, make a scene and tell your friend her husband is a lech.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle November 19, 2013, 9:21 am

    Ehh, I wouldn’t say anything for a one-time, drunken incident like this. And if it helps, I’ve been in similar situations (in fact, my first mental response reading this was something like, “hey, this sounds like the parties I’m always at”, haa). I tend to tell my boyfriend, though—depending on your fiance’s personality, maybe you can just tell him as a “ha, ha, this crazy thing happened.” Unlike Wendy, I don’t think a tale like this always results in some kind of GRRR response? Sometimes it’s just amusing to everyone? But OBVIOUSLY you know best what kind of response telling would elicit (& obviously my response is skewed by personal experience).

    My other thought was, hey, maybe set up a foursome…? (Sorry)

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle November 19, 2013, 9:23 am

      But okay, on a serious note regarding the foursome thing— I mean, maybe that’s how the friend & her husband roll? In which case, maybe he was just recruiting you for swinging.

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      • avatar

        TECH November 19, 2013, 9:44 am

        I could be wrong about this, but I think it’s unlikely the best friend and her husband are swingers. If my best friend and her husband had an open relationship, I’m pretty sure she would have mentioned it to me, because I know so many personal details of her life. But again, it’s completely dependent on the type of friendship they have.
        But theoretically, if the best friend is a swinger, it’s unlikely she would have said to her husband, “Honey, next time we see Beth, can you make sure to ask her if she’d be in on a foursome?”
        No, I can’t see that happening. The husband just got drunk and was extremely inappropriate.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle November 19, 2013, 9:50 am

        I mean, I agree it’s ~unlikely~ ? Like, probably, yeah, the “foursome” comment was just the husband being hopeful.

        But I can see it going the other way, too, only because I literally know couples who roll like this (heterosexual open relationship, hits on people using only one half of the couple, usually the opposite-sex to hit on opposite sex “prospects” in hopes of increasing the likelihood of getting a favorable response)

        So if it helps the LW *not* tell everybody, I think she can believe maybe they’re in an open relationship? (but again, this is me responding based on my opinion that she shouldn’t tell anyone, except maybe her fiance)

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    • avatar

      AliceInDairyland November 19, 2013, 9:25 am

      Fabelle! Brain-twins.

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  • avatar

    AliceInDairyland November 19, 2013, 9:24 am

    Sooo… I would definitely tell my forever-train-partner, and would probably follow up with the hitter-onner and not tell my friend. However I would not recommend that for everyone. My SO is not the type to “go after” a guy who happens to profess his attraction for me, and I really value his opinion on this type of stuff so I would consult with him on what the best course of action would be. In our relationship I’ve had 2 guy friends confess their attraction to me, and an ex-boyfriend send a letter asking to get back together despite me being in a new relationship (woah this sounds braggy, just stay with me). All 3 times I said, “Hey Benjamin… this happened. This is what I did. This is what I think I should do next. Any thoughts?” and then he’d give me his opinion and we’d go on our merry way.

    So again, I would probably be like “Yo, Clarissa’s husband got kind of frisky with me last night while he was drunk and mentioned a foursome. Are you interested? Otherwise I’m going to chat with him next time I see him to make sure he knows that’s not in the cards.” And he’d probably be like, “Thanks, but no thanks. Sounds good.”

    Wouldn’t work for everyone, but that’s totally what I would do.

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    • katie

      katie November 19, 2013, 9:40 am

      yea i do agree with this too. i would have to tell jake. i mean how could i not?

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    • avatar

      AliceInDairyland November 19, 2013, 9:57 am

      PS I wanna say something about the rubbing-up-on situation. I think the creep factor totally depends on the context. I mean, it says he was being explicit with her about his attraction. And she didn’t put a stop to it, so I imagine that she was nodding and “Mmmhmmm”-ing or something so if I was really drunk and confessing attraction to someone and they weren’t heading for the hills or giving me major bitch face… I wouldn’t think it was that outlandish to get a little closer.

      Not saying any of this is okay, but it seems almost like a natural progression based on the signals that were being given out and it sucks if she felt uncomfortable (but it doesn’t really say she was uncomfortable at the time?).

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle November 19, 2013, 9:59 am

        haha ALice, we really are brain twins today (see my comment below about the rubbing-up being “hot”)

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    • rawkmys0cks

      rawkmys0cks November 19, 2013, 11:08 am

      Yep, this is what I was thinking too. I cannot imagine a scenario where I wouldn’t tell him about something like this. He CERTAINLY wouldn’t go after the guy. I would get his opinion on how to handle it all, and he would let me take it from there.

      And you know, I would want him to do the same for me, if some girl hit on him blatantly and he didn’t know what to do about it. I would be happy to give him my opinion and have him handle the rest.

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    • KKZ

      KKZ November 19, 2013, 12:17 pm

      Same here – to me this was all very funny-haha and not creepy, and I’d probably wind up mentioning it in passing, not even intentionally – maybe not the details or the foursome thing, but “Haha, Julie’s husband drunkenly hit on me, isn’t that funny?”

      So if the LW’s fiance could take it all in stride and not get super ragey-jealous about it, then yeah, safe to bring it up – just don’t make a huge deal about it. But otherwise I’d write this one off as someone who has no filter when drunk. And I wouldn’t go to the extent Wendy suggests about doing a half-fadeout on them because of this one incident unless you really, really think that Dude is gonna pursue this. It may be awkward while the memory is still fresh, but unless he repeats the behavior, probably not a reason to dial back the friendships.

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    • Jess

      Jess November 19, 2013, 1:54 pm

      I almost agree but don’t you think the situation is very different when the perpetrator is your husband’s close friend? My husband would also laugh something like this off if it were an ex of mine, a colleague, etc. But if it was a good friend of his, he’d be pretty upset I think.

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  • avatar

    bethany November 19, 2013, 9:24 am

    I would let it go, and never mention it again. If this is a first time thing, I’d just pretend it never happened, and do what Wendy said, and create a slight distance between you and NEVER, EVER allow yourself to be drunk around him, or him drunk around you.

    If he somehow brings it up, tell him it was inappropriate and not something that you would ever consider.

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  • GatorGirl

    GatorGirl November 19, 2013, 9:25 am

    I litterally got chill bumps reading this. I would have flipped the f out had a friend rubbed their boner on me. I know everyone has different comfor levels but the completely violates mine. I personally, with out a doubt, would tell my husband exactly what happened (including the bit about letting it carry on too long).

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary November 19, 2013, 9:43 am

      Yeh I think I would’ve nipped this in the bud WHILE it was happening. But I’m not attracted to any of my boyfriend’s friends. Not that they aren’t attractive, but I just don’t have the in-the-pants feelings for them.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl November 19, 2013, 9:48 am

        Right?? I can’t imagine letting this flirtation and drunk guts spilling go on until the point where the guy thought I might want to be rubbed on! I couldn’t imagine doing that with anyone, friend or stranger.

        I think LW needs some self reflection about why she let this happen.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary November 19, 2013, 9:55 am

        I agree. I mean drunk people do stupid shit, and I don’t think that drunk behavior is always a reflection of sober thoughts. BUT I would think about how she admitted she’s attracted to her friends husband and would let something happen while they were drunk. I know I have very poor decision making skills while drinking and I have low inhibitions, so I don’t really get drunk anymore.

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      • rawkmys0cks

        rawkmys0cks November 19, 2013, 11:36 am

        Yeah I agree. Even when I’m reeeeeally drunk my interactions with dude-friends never ever goes in this direction. It certainly happened when I was 20 and single…but not anymore. Not even close. This definitely calls for some reflection methinks.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 19, 2013, 11:42 am

        Agreed. She clearly is an attention seeker.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ November 19, 2013, 12:21 pm

        Guys, this is sounding a little victim-blamey, don’t you think? The whole “She let this happen, don’t get drunk around him” kinda flies in the face of the arguments we have about preventing sexual assault when you’re on the receiving end.

        I wouldn’t rank this interaction as assault or call her a victim, I’m just getting a kinda icky feeling reading these comments about “letting this happen, attention-seeking, she should self-reflect” etc. Sounds an awful, awful lot like some of the comments levied towards assault victims.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 19, 2013, 12:27 pm

        I knew this was coming 🙂
        But I disagree. If you are actively flirting with someone, and they try to make a move on you, that’s not sexual assault, imo. When you say STOP, that’s when its sexual assault. No? She said herself that she let it happen, flirted with him and didn’t stop him.
        I mean, if I were flirting with someone who was drunk and they then tried to make a move on me, and I didn’t stop them, how can that be anything but a normal interaction?

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      • KKZ

        KKZ November 19, 2013, 12:36 pm

        It just brings to mind all the questioning that assault victims get about what “signals” they were sending via behavior, clothing (though that’s not mentioned here), drinking, etc. I can see us quickly reversing course on this if, say, the LW doesn’t follow our advice and gets drunk around him again, and then he sticks his hand down her pants or something, the blame would be squarely on the dude and we (or at least some of us) would rail against any suppositions that her behavior caused (“allowed”) that to happen.

        Like I said, I wouldn’t call this an assault, though legally it could be interpreted that way I suppose. I just got a really, really icky feeling reading all the “Don’t get drunk around him, and remember YOU LET THIS HAPPEN, YOU ENCOURAGED IT, maybe you should reflect on why you like sexual attention” kind of talk. Especially recalling our rather recent debate about Emily Yoffe’s advice to college girls to not get drunk to prevent being assaulted. We certainly wouldn’t be saying that (I HOPE!!!) if the dude had gone a step further and groped her or something.

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      • rawkmys0cks

        rawkmys0cks November 19, 2013, 12:50 pm

        I mean…this is what she said, ” I’ve always thought he was attractive, and I was very flattered so I let him carry on longer than I should have.”

        I am usually very anti-victim blaming and pro-teaching men not to be creepy and/or assault/rape people. But that’s what she said, and I think she should probably examine why she was flattered and didn’t stop it from getting to that explicit point when they were being flirty. That’s all.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle November 19, 2013, 12:34 pm

        I agree that some of the language is cringe-y, but I think it’s getting hard to separate what probably happened HERE (she was participating in the flirtation?) with all of our individual opinions of whether the erection-rubbing was a natural progression/creepy space-invasion. Like, ~I~ think it was a natural progression (what, you guys don’t want hard dicks on you during a hot-and-heavy drunken flirt-y conversation?) but I’m trying to avoid being like, “she’s asking for it!” because, yeah. No need to add to that rhetoric.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ November 19, 2013, 12:47 pm

        “I’m trying to avoid being like, “she’s asking for it!” because, yeah. No need to add to that rhetoric.”

        Exactly.

        The boundary that was violated here wasn’t necessarily sexual – the LW was consensually flirting, I agree with that. She’s uncomfortable with what happened because it violated the boundaries of their monogamous relationships, not because she felt sexually taken-advantage-of (at least not from what I read in the letter). So address that part – affirm the boundaries of the relationships in this situation. But saying “never, ever get drunk around him, and it’s not OK that you enjoyed his attention” goes over the line to the “Shame on you” category, in my opinion.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary November 19, 2013, 1:01 pm

        I think we’re all saying “don’t get drunk around him” NOT so he doesn’t rub/touch her again. It’s because she was drunk and her inhibitions were lower and maybe she flirted or talked sexually or was standing closer than she normally would. So she’s not making good decisions in terms of HER Fidelity to her fiance. It’s like if you drive drunk every time you drink, you probably shouldn’t drink any more. Or if you take your clothes off every time you drink you probably shouldn’t get drunk.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ November 19, 2013, 1:12 pm

        OK… I guess I misinterpreted the intent of the advice? Not a difficult mistake to make, since no one was being very specific about that… so if nothing else, maybe my comments will help the LW if she reads this and interprets things the same way I did.

        Still made me feel icky, though.

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      • katie

        katie November 19, 2013, 12:48 pm

        but those are completely different situations. the situation of someone being sexually assaulted is SO not someone who is otherwise committed, admittedly flirting and “egging on” a flirty situation because she feels flattered.

        the attention seeking, letting this happen, self reflection comments stem from the face that she is in a committed relationship, one that apparently doesnt allow these things or she wouldnt have written in, right? there is no dynamic in the slightest like that in sexual assaults. we tell people who cheat all the time to figure out WHY they are seeking attention, why they let it happen, and to self reflect. that has nothing to do with victim blaming, right? so it doesnt here.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl November 19, 2013, 12:50 pm

        So no, I flat out do not think what I said about her taking some time so self reflect is in any way shape or form victim blaming. No way, no how. By saying “LW needs some self reflection about why she let this happen” I meant- she says she’s a willing and active participant in this fliration. So why was she a willing participant in something she is thinking might upset her fiance and best friend?

        Edit- And I feel the only reason she feels “bad” about this or thinks it’s innappropraite is because she knows SHE crossed a boundary in her relationship. So no, not victim blaming. And yes, I will say “shame on you” to someone who violates their own relationships boundary (what ever that may be).

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      • rawkmys0cks

        rawkmys0cks November 19, 2013, 12:56 pm

        Oh, ALSO, it would be a completely different thing if she said she didn’t know how to stop him because she was uncomfortable, and didn’t know how to voice it or something. But she says she was flattered. So I think our responses are different from victim blaming here. It’s okay that she is uncomfortable after the fact, that is totally fine and understandable, but she was flattered at the time and acknowledges that she didn’t stop it.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary November 19, 2013, 12:59 pm

        I’m not victim blaming and I’m not going further into it than that. I say “don’t get drunk around him” because she said she is attracted to him and was flirting with him. If she doesn’t want to cheat on her fiance then she shouldn’t put herself in situations where she is tempted to cheat. I don’t think this woman was assaulted at all. It basically sounds like they were flirting/standing close/touching (and she says she was a wiling participant) but she feels awkward that he propositioned her sexually.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ November 19, 2013, 1:17 pm

        Alright alright, everyone, fine, you’re right and I’m being oversensitive and not reading your comments correctly. Maybe I ought to self-reflect on that.

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  • avatar

    ktfran November 19, 2013, 9:26 am

    I like Wendy’s last option and that is exactly what i was going to suggest. I feel this guy needs to know that you’re not ok with what happened and that it should never happen again. Also, from now on, you need to back up what you tell him and not get too close to him while out.

    Is it weird that I’m kind of creeped out by this guy?

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    • avatar

      TECH November 19, 2013, 9:32 am

      It’s not weird that you’re creeped out by it. Unless the best friend and her husband have an open relationship, I’m kind of sad for her that her husband is rubbing his boner against her best friend.
      So this letter makes me a little sad and creeped out, but the other part of me finds it completely hilarious. He’s like the male version of Ramona.

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      • avatar

        ktfran November 19, 2013, 9:35 am

        That’s what creeped me out. The rubbing up against her. That’s ok when, you’re like at a frat party and dancing. I would flip the eff out if someone did that to me now.

        And I don’t think I’m a prude at all.

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      • katie

        katie November 19, 2013, 9:41 am

        i think im more creeped out by the rando’s at the frat party then my friend. maybe.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle November 19, 2013, 9:56 am

        I dunno, it’s definitely creepy/bordering on assault (or even actually ~being~ assault), but I’d find it hot if it was someone attractive, & we’d been getting in close, consensually, & having a (consensually) explicit conversation? Which is what it sounds like the LW & friend’s husband were doing? (Not that it was appropriate, assuming they’re all in monogamous relationships, but just wanted to offer a nah-it’s-kinda-hot perspective)

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      • katie

        katie November 19, 2013, 10:12 am

        yea, i think thats why im not gut-reaction creeped out by that, and then i would be if it was unwanted by someone i didnt know…. at least in that situation you are kind of wanting it, or at least inviting it.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. November 19, 2013, 10:16 am

        It IS sexual assault. He could be arrested for it. I would tell my fiance, and then tell the guy I will no longer be alone with him and if he ever does anything like that again, he will get a visit from the police. Having someone (other than someone you’re planning on having sex with) rub his erection on you is highly offensive and to have him ignore her response and say he’s holding out for foursome is just gross.

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      • katie

        katie November 19, 2013, 10:27 am

        i am very uncomfortable labeling what he did as sexual assault.

        the LW admits that she let it go on. she admits didnt tell him to stop, or said no, or whatever. by your definition, anyone who makes the “first move” is guilty of sexual assault.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. November 19, 2013, 11:52 am

        If your definition of making the first move is rubbing your penis up against someone, then, yeah, that is sexual assault.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 19, 2013, 11:55 am

        haha. In all seriousness though, the first move was them flirting with each other all night.

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      • muchachaenlaventana

        muchachaenlaventana November 19, 2013, 2:09 pm

        Yeah, they were off in a corner, flirting, being sexually explicit in their language (or he was and she “let it go on longer” aka made no overt ” Please stop, don’t say that, you are making me uncomfortable”, nor did she attempt to leave the dark corner they were secluded in). I have done this with guys (sexual flirty talk) and the end result is usually some mild grinding of crotches which is hot. This is just tricky because they are both in relationships and all friends. So I think some guilt is informing her recollections of this event to a degree. I really don’t think it is fair to call this assault or say she was “asking for it.” Maybe the LW left out some pertinent information that would tip the scale in either direction and it could have been more of the forceful/assault situation but she is uncomfortable calling it that as its her best friends husband. But the situation she described and her reaction to it, do not line up with assault. These are two adults who are attracted to one another, and let things go too far.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle November 19, 2013, 10:27 am

        That’s why I placed the word “consensually” in there.

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      • avatar

        AliceInDairyland November 19, 2013, 10:28 am

        But she never said she felt uncomfortable with it? YOU find it offensive, but it never said in that whole letter than she found it offensive. Inappropriate imo is not the same thing as offensive.

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  • katie

    katie November 19, 2013, 9:30 am

    yea this is really tough. i mean, i dont think i could keep something like this from a friend. thats terrible. i would never want a friend to keep something like this from me.

    i guess i do like the tactic of telling him something directly. if it was just some drunken stupidity, fine, i guess everyone should get a free pass to say stupid stuff while drunk. but if he ever did/said anything even suggesting what happened again i’d just tell everyone. but then again, if you do tell after it happens a second time, would people be mad at you for not telling them the first time?? ugh i dunno. this is tough!!

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  • call-me-hobo

    call-me-hobo November 19, 2013, 9:35 am

    I had something like this happen to me at a wedding. My cousin’s SO asked me to dance, and when we did he had me locked up so tight against him I could feel his junk. I declined dancing with him for the rest of the evening, but on the cab ride home he kept trying to put his hand on my thigh. While my cousin was sitting on his lap! I chalked it up to him being very, very drunk.

    I mostly just avoid him at family functions. I did tell my SO about the incident, but didn’t tell my cousin.

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  • avatar

    SasLinna November 19, 2013, 9:42 am

    Eek. My first thought is: Put your own relationship first. Since you’re at least sort of into boner-rubbing guy, is there any risk you might cheat on your fiancé? Is his coming-on-to-you something that you guess your fiancé would want to know about? Think about this and do what’s right for your relationship with your fiancé, even if it could have ramifications for your friend and her husband. That’s not your foremost responsibility here. However drunk the friend’s husband might have been, he can’t blame you for mentioning this incident to your fiancé if that’s what the rules of your relationship require. You don’t have to cover for his drunk ass. But be honest and own on your part in this (not removing yourself from the situation immediately when he was getting inappropriate). When you’ve handled things regarding your relationship with your fiancé, then you can start thinking about the friend. I guess you can’t be sure that the husband even did something she didn’t approve of – maybe she’d go for the foursome, too? Just something to consider. Even if that’s unlikely, I’m not sure this incident has enough magnitude to risk the huge fall out that could come from telling her.
    I have to say, given this constellation, I agree with Wendy that you might do well to remove yourself a little.

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl November 19, 2013, 9:51 am

      I totally agree with this and forgot to say it. IMO, my husband come first over anyone else. The health and happiness of our relationship is a million times more important than a friend.

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  • avatar

    Liquid Luck November 19, 2013, 10:02 am

    I was going to suggest Wendy’s last option as soon as you mentioned that you were also very close with this guy and not just with his wife. I would call him and make it very clear that you didn’t appreciate his actions, they made you severely uncomfortable, and he’s not to do anything like that again but that you’re willing to chalk it up to a drunken mistake this time since it’s a first offense. And be clear about the fact that if something like this DOES happen again, you won’t take it so lightly. I assume he’ll be embarrassed and apologize profusely, and things can go back to normal for all of you. But if he doesn’t, then I would keep my distance from him, especially if drinking is involved. There’s no excuse for not apologizing for creeping someone out, so if that isn’t his first response then his creeper status gets elevated immediately and you should tell your fiance everything.

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  • lemongrass

    lemongrass November 19, 2013, 10:10 am

    If you tell then your friendship is effectively over. That sucks, it really does. I think you have to figure out which is more important to you: this friendship or knowing that your friendship is based on honesty and that your friend is making an informed decision to be your friend. As for your fiancé, I would tell. I can’t imagine keeping that from my husband and it would look shady if you kept it secret and it came out later.

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  • avatar

    Painted_lady November 19, 2013, 10:11 am

    So I disagree with Wendy a little here – I would probably not tell the friend unless it happened again. And I would tell the husband to back the fuck off and never do anything like that again (maybe I’m swayed by the fact that I find what he did super creepy), and I would tell him that if it happens again I can’t write it off as a one-time mistake and would have to tell his wife. And then, I would tell Walter. I feel like not telling him, for me, would make it more wrong and like if done something bad, somehow. Maybe that’s weird, but I tell him everything, and making a point not to tell feels like it would look like I were hiding something if he found out.

    Walter and I have a couple friend that this happened with about eight months ago. She was passed out drunk, and he started talking about how he was maybe going to break up with her and that I had to promise we’d stay friends (I didn’t – he’s kind of okay and she’s amazing) and then he proceeded to hit on me. I told Walter, and Walter is fortunately secure enough that he trusts me, and he doesn’t really care for the other guy anymore, which is unfortunate, but not telling him kind of wasn’t an option. I don’t even know if I considered it.

    Incidentally, theirs is one of those relationships where she wants to be married but he’s sort of avoiding giving her a definitive answer, and now she’s found out she’s pregnant. I kind of wish I had told her he hit on me while contemplating breaking up with her, because I feel like she’s got some false hopes about the kind of partner he’s going to be after they have a baby together.

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    • avatar

      Painted_lady November 19, 2013, 10:15 am

      Ugh. Typos. Sorry. Time for more coffee.

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  • meadowphoenix

    meadowphoenix November 19, 2013, 10:19 am

    I would also say that you should figure out how you feel and want to handle it. This might help you direct who, if anyone, you want to tell. Are you creeped out and want to avoid him? Then yeah, you might need to tell both your fiance and your friend, since they will want to know why you want to avoid him (and you definitely have the right to avoid him if he creeps you out. Period. Don’t let anyone tell you different). Do you find the whole thing hilarious, and you just want to make sure he was just too drunk to know what he was saying and doing? Then just tell him that you don’t want whatever happened to happen again. Are you afraid he’ll be vindictive about it? Then at least tell your fiance so you can get out of front of him. Do you not have a problem, except you’re ashamed that you felt flattered? Don’t get drunk with this guy alone, and let it go. So how you feel can really tell you what tactic to take.

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    • avatar

      AliceInDairyland November 19, 2013, 10:26 am

      This is the best response.

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      SasLinna November 19, 2013, 12:06 pm

      Yeah, excellent response. My hunch is that LW falls into the last category:

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  • avatar

    Emily November 19, 2013, 10:28 am

    Oh, jeeze. Something similar happened to me at a party once except it was my boyfriends friend. I actually got kind of upset afterwards (we were all drunk) so everyone knew what happened and my boyfriend and the friend stopped talking for a few months. DRAMA. Anyway. Wendy’s advice is spot on as usual! This is a crazy mess, so try to approach it rationally. Also if you are engaged to someone maybe you shouldn’t let other people rub their erections on you? Just a thought.

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest November 19, 2013, 10:34 am

    This EXACT thing happened to me several years ago (except I didn’t allow the convo to continue). I never said anything to my friend. Never drank with the guy again.
    They divorced a couple years later.

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl November 19, 2013, 11:24 am

      Did you tell the BF?

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        lets_be_honest November 19, 2013, 11:29 am

        We weren’t together then. I prob would have though if we were. But I’m not totally sure.

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  • muchachaenlaventana

    muchachaenlaventana November 19, 2013, 10:40 am

    First an anecdote to make you feel less creepy: One of my best guy friends gets drunk and is just sick inappropriate (he has rubbed his erection on me before) grabs my ass, tells me he loves me, etc. You have to be SO FORCEFUL in getting him to stop (he does this with like any girl in the vicinity), and the next morning he remembers nothing (and feels GOD AWFUL when reminded of this behavior) and honestly when he is sober has literally no interest in me as anything other than a friend. Luckily since he was so embarrassed after this kept happening he has stopped drinking to this level and shocker it has never happened since. So I know being drunk as an excuse is bs etc. but when people are blackout drunk and do stuff they literally don’t remember I don’t think its necessarily indicative of anything, especially if he has always been a good husband to your friend and has never come onto you or been inappropriate in any other way. Just chalk it up to that, acknowledge your small part in not putting an end to it immediately, and get over it. Maybe I am just more easy-going, or my friends get drunk and inappropriate a lot but to me this type of behavior while sober would be a much bigger red-flag (I know I will get shit for this because “being drunk is not an excuse”). I think you have to feel this out based on your relationships with each of these people. There is no universal here. I think that since it was a one-time incident though that you should try to give him the benefit of the doubt. I would honestly tell your fiance and your friend and see what her take is, and then confront the husband if you feel there was something more to it than just a random drunken mistake. Something like this happened to me (less gross though) recently and I told my guy and my best friend (it was her boyfriend) and sort of let her reaction and decision guide mine. I knew I could give her boyfriend the benefit of the doubt since this was a one-time totally random thing, and she didn’t see it as a red flag. If it happens again, or a pattern of it emerges my actions will correspond but for now, we are all happy just considering it a one-time drunken creepy mistake and moving on. I am also really glad I didn’t bring it up to her boyfriend and make things weird for all of us (just my situation though).

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray November 19, 2013, 10:55 am

    Oh icky ick – how does one rub a boner on another person at a party without it causing a scene? I go to the wrong parties.

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    • bagge72

      Bagge72 November 19, 2013, 11:34 am

      Yeah I guess who lets their friend rub their boner on them without saying something, unless they actually like it at least a little bit? I think I need to get drunk pop a viagra, and start rubbing it on my friends wifes, and pretty much any pretty girl their. The question is do I just rub it on their legs, do I go between the cheeks, or do I even attempt the frontal buns?

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 November 19, 2013, 11:39 am

        *friend’s wives, and whatever else I screwed up.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray November 19, 2013, 11:55 am

        you know, i’m envisioning more of a poke than a rub. you’d need to wear sweat pants or some other non-constricting pants. but if you get your boner nice and horizontal, you could just sort of jab it in her hip or something. if you’re tall you could aim for her belly button. so sweet and playful. not icky at all. who doesn’t love a nice poke in the side with your friend’s husband’s hard on?

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 19, 2013, 11:56 am

        “feel a little poke comin through, on youuuuu”

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        rachel November 19, 2013, 12:07 pm

        That song was playing the other day in a store while I was shopping. Amazing.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 November 19, 2013, 12:06 pm

        Ok, I’m in. It could be painful if I hit the hipbone though.

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  • avatar

    Kelly November 19, 2013, 11:26 am

    It happened to me with my husbands coworker. I shut it down immediately and kept my mouth shut about it telling no one. He never tried it again. The letter writer let it go on for to long so she can expect it to happen again, she left the door open. She needs to quit letting her ego get the better of her and give him a firm mental slap the next time it happens, that will put an end to it.

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  • avatar

    starpattern November 19, 2013, 11:43 am

    I think I would personally deal with something like this by making light of it. I’d bring it up to the friend’s husband next time I saw him and be like “WOAH how drunk were you? HAHA. Let’s never get that drunk again, what a creepy/awkward conversation!” I do think I’d mention it to my boyfriend (maybe minus the specifics of what body parts he rubbed on me) because I personally feel like keeping something a secret makes it a bigger deal than it needs to be – assuming I didn’t actually feel violated or anything.

    Wendy’s right though – you have to weigh all the options, and consider how each person would react before deciding who you should tell.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark November 19, 2013, 12:00 pm

    I’d say nothing about this. It was a one time thing. You were flattered and drunk and even admitted that you let this go on way too long which is code for “gee, maybe I was flirting…” If this happens again — then I’d talk to him about it alone. Firmly, when alone and sober.

    All of you thinking you’d just HAVE tell either your friend or your fiance? Um, don’t. Trust me. You are ALL hilariously naive about how that would actually play out…

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray November 19, 2013, 12:25 pm

      I agree with BGM 100%. That’s how I would probably handle it. Especially if this were a one time thing. And then I’d go out of my way to avoid hanging out with him again for a long time.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo November 19, 2013, 12:02 pm

    I say the two of you plot to come up with a clever scheme to “accidentally” get your partners involved in the foursome. Oh wait, is this real world? Or porn world? Never mind, I guess that’s pretty terrible advice. You know, unless it works….

    On a side note: “I let it go on because I was flattered” is about as good an excuse as “I was so drunk.” I would think over why your reaction was not immediate and negative, as these actions should have been seen as a threat to the security of your relationship. If you love your partner, you don’t “let things go on.” Too puritan? Maybe, but if I did what he did and my wife found out, I don’t want to think what the result would be.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest November 19, 2013, 12:04 pm

      I’m sure everyone will disagree (and I know being drunk isn’t an excuse really) but I almost think its worse that she was flattered and let things go on, as opposed to him dick rubbing. Is that really awful?

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle November 19, 2013, 12:09 pm

        I don’t know, I guess (judging by the rest of the responses) I’m incredibly lenient, but I totally understand how being flattered would possess somebody (especially if they were drunk) to “let things go on”? It doesn’t necessarily have to mean anything bad about the relationship she’s in. It COULD, but it’s not an automatic “check yo’self & examine why you would be sooo flattered” thing for me. I mean, she finds him attractive, & they were drunk, & talking all sexily to each other— all understandable reasons (to me) why she’d accept the attention for a hot minute? I mean, it’s not like she let it go TOO far; she did remind the dude he was married, & she was taken..

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        lets_be_honest November 19, 2013, 12:17 pm

        That’s a fair point too, Fab. I guess in trying to reverse roles, I’m imagining my boyfriend being out, actively flirting with a girl that is coming on to him, and some drunk girl rubs her boobs on him. I wouldn’t blame drunk girl because clearly he seemed into it. I’d blame him because he was actively flirting with her and making it seem like she had a green light to boob rub.
        (of course, this is all putting aside the whole ‘only be mad at your partner for cheating, not the other person’)

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      • muchachaenlaventana

        muchachaenlaventana November 19, 2013, 12:19 pm

        I agree with this ,but then her freaking out that he did something wrong (and was inappropriate) is kind of hypocritical no? Like he was just taking it to the next logical extension (in his drunken horny logic) .. and she is making a bigger deal of it than it needs to be.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle November 19, 2013, 12:23 pm

        True— maybe she’s shifting it onto him to avoid her own participation? Or, less sinister, just rehashing the incident with a sober mind & being like, “Oh… shit. What do I do about this?”

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        SasLinna November 19, 2013, 12:10 pm

        Why WORSE?

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        lets_be_honest November 19, 2013, 12:17 pm

        I think I sorta answered this when answering Fab above.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark November 19, 2013, 12:19 pm

        I don’t know if it’s worse, but if you are drunk and flattered and let something go on far too long — you then have to accept that the message HE is getting from you loud and clear in that moment is “oh, baby. yeah. don’t stop…”

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        lets_be_honest November 19, 2013, 12:21 pm

        Yea, that’s what I was thinking. Its pretty much a green light, especially to a drunk person!

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      • muchachaenlaventana

        muchachaenlaventana November 19, 2013, 12:23 pm

        yeah exactly.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl November 19, 2013, 1:02 pm

        I think the long flirting (and sexually explicit) conversation are more boundary crossing. I would be way more pissed if GGuy came home and said he’d talked for an hour with a chick about what sexual stuff she wanted to do to him, then if she’d rubbed her chest/vag on him for 2 seconds. Being an active participant in a convo is worse than a quick physical touch done by someone else. IMO of course.

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      • rawkmys0cks

        rawkmys0cks November 19, 2013, 1:14 pm

        I agree with this completely. It wouldn’t be on him if someone felt the need to physically touch him briefly in a sexual way. But it would most definitely be on him if he participated in a sexually explicit conversation with a woman.

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    • avatar

      SasLinna November 19, 2013, 12:09 pm

      I agree with this. I can’t really imagine a scenario where something like this just happens out of the blue, except a really assault-y scenario, which would obviously be a different story. Whenever a guy flirts too much, I retreat – and most definitely if he’s trying to touch me.

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      • Diablo

        Diablo November 19, 2013, 3:04 pm

        While we’re on the subject of what’s plausible, guys, how many of you get an erection at a drunken party, even during flirty talk? I consider myself quite a naughty-thinking person, but I really don’t get noticeable erections while I’m out with friends. A momentary tingle at best… I’d need some pretty fervent and unequivocal encouragement. Once it happened, though, yeah, i’d just up and rub it on her, cause you know, it’s her fault at that point (please engage sarcasm filters). I mean, if the talk has gone that far, is he more to blame than her? This whole story is pretty dodgy.

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  • avatar

    Diana November 20, 2013, 7:29 am

    LW, the fact that your desire for ego gratification enabled your BEST FRIEND’s husband to escalate in this way, instead of nipping his boundary violations in the bud, suggests you need to do some serious self-reflection. What needs are going unmet at present? Are you trying to get validation externally because you don’t believe internally, in your heart of hearts, that you’re attractive? Confronting such difficult questions, perhaps with the help of a counselor, head on will go far in preventing such unfortunate predicaments in future.

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  • avatar

    Filipe Nunes June 20, 2017, 2:08 pm

    Because you’ve had too much to drink, it means that what he said is his true opinion. Telling your best friend would probably ruin your friendship, so you did right not to tell. Telling your fiancé will only bring more problems, he will be stressed with his friend and his best friend will know, and certainly disrupted your friendship. If you just let the fact go it will be ideal, even if it is possible that he betrays your friend later.

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  • avatar

    katy July 26, 2017, 12:54 pm

    My husband’s best friend is a drunk. No nicer way to say it. A while back sevefreal people including his wife were at our house and this guy comes over and starts rubbing my leg above the knee and said, “”That feels so good.” I immediately removed his hand from my leg and he says “Ooops and left me alone.
    Now he is coming over every week playing music with my husband and gets so drunk he ends up staying in the basement. He has spit on one of my friends not once but 3 x, has told other company “that’s MY CHAIR. He is driving on a DUI so he thinks by staying here he is sober int he morning. NOT>
    I finally had enough and told my husband HE”S NOT YOUR FRIEND!, ANd told him about him feeling my leg.
    My husband said to me, “You arent’ doing what the precher said to do SUnday. Joel Osteen had preached on forgiving your enemy. ” In other words, he wants me to forgive the ass, so he can continue to party with him.
    I’m so mad about this and connot find one thing where a husband has told his wife she shoud forgive his friends. Screw that !
    My husband told him after the spitting incident and one other altercation he started that “one night one of these young bucks was going to whip his ass and he says,”I”m soRRRRRY , I LLOOOOOOVE you. ” Talking to my husband.I could puke.! DOnt’ know what to do any more. He doesn’t and hasn’t spoken to me in over 8 months, but yet has slept in our house for 2 years or more .!!!

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    • avatar

      Ron July 26, 2017, 3:34 pm

      Seriously it sounds like your husband is also a drunk. Your primary problem is your husband, not his friend. Your husband sides with his buddy over you. Family counseling at the very least. I see a divorce in your future.

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  • avatar

    Laura hope September 28, 2017, 9:37 am

    So, I found out recently that MY husband has tried this exact move on several of my friends! From the honest gf’s I have, I’ve been told similar stories from at least 3 dif friends that do not know each other. Leaving me to believe that this is the norm while Im passed out drunk!! This was many years ago, we Have since quit drinking, and i divorced him after catching him cheating. We did get back together and remarried after quitting drinking and counseling. Now I’m hearing all of these stories about him drunk and trying to sleep with my friends, pulling out his erect penis, climbing in the guest bed, spooning himself on their clothed back… 2 have told me bits and pieces, and 2 quit speaking to me completely after a night out with us, leading me to believe they interacted with him, and several more have not said a word, although I’m sure they were approached as well. I’m sick to my stomach, and i have no idea if this is just a drunk thing… or what. It was also over 7 years ago and we have changed tremendously. Do I bring it up… or let it go with the past as I did everything else? Could he still be doing this. I’m sickened by the thought of him right now!

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