But now, things have been the complete opposite! We have only been dating since August and it is now October. When I went this last time we had a wonderful time, but once I got back home things started to change. He has been hanging out with some friends of ours which is no problem at all! The problem comes in when I text him and he won’t text back for, like, two hours, and when I call he won’t answer but will text instead, and when I ask what he’s been up to all day he says “nothing, just chillin’.”
I sent him an email saying how I felt about him and how much he meant to me five days ago and asked him to send me one, but still no email. So I started to think that maybe he’s lost interest. I’m not an insecure person at all, but lately I’ve been feeling really vulnerable! I opened up to him completely and I’m not getting the same in return. I wrote him an email last night saying that I love him and I really want things to work between us and that I wanted to know exactly where he wants to take this relationship. I told him that we can either do one of two things:
1) Take a step back if things are moving too fast, and/ or be friends at least until I move back to las Vegas (in December).
2) Keep the relationship where it is and try to come up with some ideas to help us grow as one.
Another important thing I left out is the fact that he is bisexual and he had dealings with one of our friends, whom he’s been hanging out with again, about a year ago. But he said that they don’t deal with each other like that anymore. The guy knows about us and we all hang out together when I’m there. I don’t know what’s going on because he isn’t talking to me and I’m so hurt because I didn’t think that things would just change out of the blue. I know that relationships go through some changes but I feel like this type of change came really fast! Or could it just be me? Please give me some advice as to how to handle this situation. — California Dreamin’
The part in your letter that really strikes me as problematic isn’t so much that your boyfriend is bisexual and once again hanging out with a friend he had “dealings” with a year ago. Sure, that could very well be an issue, but the bigger issue I see is that you were so optimistic about taking things slowly, but here you are, about two months later, having seen each other, what?, twice, and you’re professing undying love for the guy and practically begging him to respond to your declaration?! Um, ohhhkay.
You know, maybe the reason he’s backing off from you is because he’s a little freaked out by your neediness. The constant calls and texts and asking him what he’s been doing might just be a bit much for him after a couple of visits and a few weeks of correspondence. I know it’s confusing if he was giving you the impression early on that he was into it. I mean, he was posting love songs for you on Facebook after all … but, honey, that’s the problem. No good can come from a month-long long-distance-relationship in which you’ve seen each other once and the guy is posting love songs for you on Facebook. Readers, if this happens to you, just MOA. Something is off. Something isn’t right. Love songs on Facebook = bad news bears. Why? IT JUST DOES!
I wish I had better advice for you, but all I can tell you is to back off. Back way off. Quit the constant calls and texts and email declarations of your love. Take a deep breath. Try to regain a little sanity here. You may have known this guy once seven years ago, but this is a new relationship now — one that is only weeks old; one in which you’ve seen each other fewer times than I’ve changed my underwear today. So, slow down and let things happen naturally. And if you can’t — if you’re too afraid that if you don’t fight to “keep” him, that you’re going to end up losing him, realize that you never had him in the first place and any pressure you put on him to stay in this relationship with you is only going to drive him away faster.
The one part of your letter where you make the most sense is at the very end when you say that your relationship is too new to be going through the changes you’ve described. I agree, and I would recommend you heed the warning bell. Now is not the time to “come up with ideas to help you grow as one”; now is the time to take things down a notch, practice healthy independence, lower your expectations by about 50 billion degrees, keep your options open, and let nature take its course. Oh, and no more love songs on Facebook. Trust.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.