Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Boyfriend Did Drugs and Lied About It”

A couple years ago I had a serious problem with using some hard drugs (cocaine and MDMA mainly). It spiraled out of control, and I nearly died. I was a missing person for six weeks and was physically and mentally abused and ruined.

I then met my boyfriend who helped me in ways I will always be grateful for. He picked me up, and fed me back to a healthy size. I now work in the same company as he does as a manager and we couldn’t be happier. He has always told me he’d be done with me if I ever touched any drug again, and he has never ever had an interest in taking any drug himself, especially after seeing what drugs did to me.

Recently though, after two years together, he has started questioning me about the drugs I took. He eventually mentioned that he tried MDMA once a couple weeks back. I felt hurt, betrayed, and angry that he would do this exact drug that nearly killed me; however, I did not blow up at him; I just said I was disappointed. About an hour later, on my way back from the bathroom, I overheard him talking to his housemates (who were the ones he tried it with) as he said, “Maybe doing it four times in one week was a bit much.”

I feel let down and so angry. How could he do this after everything I’ve been through? Why would he tell me he has always been so against drugs if he clearly wasn’t?! Why didn’t he tell me he wanted to try it one day? Why lie and say he only tried it once? And how dare he say he would finish with me if I ever did it again! What a hypocrite!

He says he won’t do it again, but after those lies and considering the type of people he obviously lives with, I’m finding it hard to trust he won’t do it again. I asked him how he can know that he won’t want to do it again, because that’s what I thought when I tried it, too. He replied that he is obviously just a stronger person than I am.

Am I over-reacting? I don’t know how to get over this trust issue now. — Drug Bust

Trust is one of the most important parts of a relationship and, when it’s challenged, it definitely puts the relationship at risk. But beyond that, in this particular scenario your own health is at risk. You have a drug addiction and now you are romantically involved with someone who is, at the very least, experimenting with the same drug that almost killed you. That’s a little too close for comfort. This is more than just dealing with lost trust. This is about protecting yourself and creating clear and strong boundaries between you and your addiction and demons.

Your boyfriend may never again touch drugs. His little experimentation may have been enough to satisfy his curiosity. Or, like you, he may be drawn to the drugs again, against his best judgment. That doesn’t make him a bad person. People can have temptations and weaknesses and the mistakes they make shouldn’t define them. You should know that better than anyone. Just because you boyfriend said one thing and did another doesn’t negate his love for you and the positive influence he’s had in your life. But his good qualities also shouldn’t overshadow whatever potential harm he may directly or indirectly put in your path.

You would know better than I do what your tolerance level is. Are you strong enough to avoid drugs knowing your boyfriend is in such close contact with them? Can you be in his company or in his home knowing that not only he, but his roommates, are experimenting with the drugs that had such a strong hold on you? If it were I, I wouldn’t want to risk being pulled back into the dangerous cycle of using. Not even for a boyfriend I really loved. The risk just wouldn’t be worth it.

But you have to decide for yourself how great you think that risk is. With the trust between you challenged now, that makes your decision more difficult. It may just be that you need to separate yourself from your boyfriend until there’s more clarity around the situation. You can tell him that you’re disappointed in his recent decisions and, even though you love him and will be forever grateful for the love and care he’s given you, you have to take care of yourself and stay away from any potentially harmful situations, which include remaining romantically involved with someone who is himself experimenting with drugs as well as living with people who are experimenting with drugs.

The grip of addiction is too tight and your history too recent and too dark to risk a relapse because your world has suddenly become tainted with the drug’s presence. No boyfriend is worth that.

***************

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

71 comments… add one
  • avatar

    jlyfsh October 9, 2013, 9:15 am

    Really beautiful response, Wendy! LW I hope that you’re able to do what’s best for you, even if it’s hard.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray October 9, 2013, 9:37 am

      WJS

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      • Cassie

        CassieB October 9, 2013, 10:24 pm

        AP!! You changed your icon! I just… don’t even know who you are anymore… sniffle.

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  • avatar

    Morgan October 9, 2013, 9:16 am

    Since the letter doesn’t make it clear, exactly what did you overhear him saying to his housemates. Because if it was literally just “Maybe doing it four times in one week was a bit much,” that doesn’t necessarily mean he did it four times in one week. It is possible that the guys he lives with did it four times in one week, and he gave it a try one of those times. It’s also very possible that he did it four times, and said it was just once to spare your feelings, which for me would be at least as bad as the drugs. Don’t lie to me to protect me; I’m a big girl capable of making my own decisions based on the facts, thanks.

    Here’s the other thing. What your boyfriend did, telling you he would never use, that he would leave you if you ever used, and then, you know, using, was shitty. There is a difference of course in a former addict using a substance and someone with no history of addiction trying a substance, but if your relationship was established as drug free, it should have stayed drug free.

    My biggest concern though is how this could affect your recovery. Am I wrong to assume that part of your recovery is no longer putting yourself in situations/associating with crowds where those substances will be used? If being around someone who either uses himself or associates with frequent users is going to jeopardize your recovery, then you might need to distance yourself from the situation. And maybe from your boyfriend. Don’t let any sense of obligation you feel to him for what he did for you at your low point tie you to him now, if leaving is what you need to do for you.

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    • avatar

      Morgan October 9, 2013, 9:20 am

      Also, just read the line about him obviously being a stronger person than you again. Ew. He may be less prone to addiction, but he does realize that overcoming your addiction was an incredible display of strength on your part, yes? And that addiction is a mental illness, not a choice you made because you are weak or some bullshit like that.

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      • katie

        katie October 9, 2013, 9:29 am

        yea, the “stronger” comment he made plus the savior mentality he either has or the LW has adopted for him -“then met my boyfriend who helped me in ways I will always be grateful for. He picked me up, and fed me back to a healthy size”- make me question the whole dynamic of this relationship, period.

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      • avatar

        starpattern October 9, 2013, 11:23 am

        Yeah, when I read that part I really wanted to punch the boyfriend in the neck. What a dismissive, terrible thing to say.

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      • avatar

        Jessibel5 October 9, 2013, 12:03 pm

        Yeah, that guy deserved a high five to the face for that comment.

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      • avatar

        MsMisery October 9, 2013, 1:08 pm

        Agreed. What. A. Dickhooooooooooolllllle.

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  • avatar

    SasLinna October 9, 2013, 9:28 am

    That’s a tough situation. I would say, first of all, that you’re right to be worried. Not just with regard to your bf’s drug use, but as Wendy pointed out, with regard to the risk this implies for yourself. Your reaction to this is healthy, you should be worried. Second, it may be difficult for you to reconcile the fact that your bf helped you when you were addicted with the fact that he’s now also choosing to try that same drug. But yeah, that can totally happen. Someone can be there for you when you have a problem, and then develop that same problem later. Third, if your boyfriend really said that he’s “obviously just a stronger person than you”, then you should dump him for that. He’s putting you down and making a really unrealistic statement about himself.

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    • avatar

      Doodles October 9, 2013, 9:46 pm

      I agree with you. The statement he said about being “obviously stronger than you” is a load of shit, and was just a huge slap in the face to you. He is obviously weaker than you. Do you know why? Because he gave into temptation, and not just once, but four times in one week. I am a former addict, and let me tell you, you are the strong one here. Yes you might have had help in over coming your addiction, but you did it, and you have stayed clean. All he did was suppirt you, but you had to do the real work. And for that I applaud you. Over coming addiction is not an easy task. And for the rest of your life, you will be struggling with temptation. But you have to be the stronger, bigger person to stare down temptation and refuse to answer its call. Your boyfriend will only pull you back into a world of drugs if you do not get away from him. There is an uneven power dynamic in this relationship because you put too much stock in him due to the help he gave you in your time of need. And he threw it in your face with the stronger remark he made. You are stronger than he is, you have more will power and self respect then he does, please see it in youraelf. Please see it enough to see he doesn’t have it, and that he can and very might well, pull you back into the hell you worked so hard to escape from. Good luck LW, and I truly hope you make the best decision for yourself and your on going recovery.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle October 9, 2013, 9:32 am

    WWS. LW, your boyfriend—with his intimate knowledge of your past—is applying different standards to you than himself. It may be hypocritical, but I’m sure his logic is something like, “Of course she can never touch a drug again, considering how deeply she got sucked in. But ~I~ won’t ever end up that way, therefore I can experiment.” Which, sure. Some people do experiment without getting sucked into it as badly as you did. Maybe your boyfriend is one of those people—maybe not. The problem is no one knows. EVERYONE starts off assuming they won’t develop addiction patterns. They can even be right in their assumption, for a while. For years. Maybe they’re self-aware enough, throughout their experimental phase, to stop when they know it’s getting (to use your boyfriend’s words) “too much.” Or mayyybe they’re the kind of people who joke about it being “too much” while, in the same breath, laughing & calling their dealer to make sure he’s “good” for the upcoming weekend.

    The point is, if your boyfriend is hiding his drug use from you, then you don’t even have *any* inclination of what kind of user he is. I mean, you can’t predict these things anyway (as I’m sure you know), but if he’s under-reporting his use to you, then you DEFINITELY can’t predict. And like Wendy said, with your history, it’s probably best to not be around people who casually use. Even if they’re not heavy users, even if they won’t wind up in the gutter somewhere, there will be an aura of that drug culture around you & your boyfriend— something better for you to avoid.

    Also, I want to go back for a minute & say it’s bullshit that your boyfriend is saying he’s a “stronger person” than you. He has no way of knowing that. Sure, maybe he can do molly 4 times in a week without experiencing an increasing desire for the drug, or ending up, ahh, on the missing persons list. But that doesn’t mean he won’t ever get too deep into it. He’s being cocky, which is already a bad sign.

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray October 9, 2013, 9:37 am

    WWS.

    What is MDMA?

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    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki October 9, 2013, 9:39 am

      MDMA is ecstasy

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    • theattack

      theattack October 9, 2013, 9:39 am

      ecstasy

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    • avatar

      Morgan October 9, 2013, 9:41 am

      Ladadedade, dancing with Molly.

      MDMA, or “Molly” is the supposedly “pure” molecular (hence molly) form of ecstasy. Since the FDA does not in fact regulate the quality of MDMA, I’m not sure by whose measure it is pure.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh October 9, 2013, 9:52 am

        sometimes i wish i didn’t know what people were actually saying in their songs. i had no idea she was saying molly!

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray October 9, 2013, 10:03 am

        this somehow reminded me of my friend’s kids. they were playing in the basement made up a game called “hammered” and one kid had a stuffed hammer or whatever and was chasing the others saying “who wants to get hammered???” and then he’d whack them with the hammer. so you kept hearing “hammered! let’s get hammered!” from the basement. haha.

        i really don’t know how it reminded me of that but it did so naturally, i never met a thought i didn’t just type out on DW.

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      • avatar

        eljay October 9, 2013, 11:52 am

        Ok, seriously, I almost spit my coffee across the room. In the midst of such a serious matter, you, AP, find a way to make me crack the hell up. Well done.

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      • Diablo

        Diablo October 9, 2013, 11:58 am

        AP, your story reminds me of when my friend’s 6 yo daughter was hitting herself in the head with a big foam rubber hammer, saying “I’m gonna be a doctor!” Ah, memories…

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      • avatar

        Morgan October 9, 2013, 2:23 pm

        Kids these days say bang to mean fight. I always had a hard time taking it seriously when my students would say things like “I’m gonna bang her” or “Ricky banged Bobby after school yesterday.”

        So weird how slang changes.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest October 9, 2013, 2:29 pm

        I remember my old librarian saying we shouldn’t say “that’s cool” and imagine how dumb it would sound if we said “that’s hot” instead…and then Paris Hilton came along.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle October 9, 2013, 9:41 am

      It’s “pure” ecstasy, usually called molly. In powder form, by itself, or in a capsule (whereas ecstasy is found in pressed pill form, cut with other shit to make it more speedy, or more downer-y) (Also, molly can be & probably is cut with other shit too, but it’s not supposed to/expected to be)

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray October 9, 2013, 9:44 am

        hmm, i do say you know too much. fab’s a druggy!

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle October 9, 2013, 9:47 am

        I read a lot 😉

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray October 9, 2013, 9:48 am

        good save, my friend. 🙂

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    • katie

      katie October 9, 2013, 9:42 am

      im glad you asked! haha

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray October 9, 2013, 9:43 am

      last to know, always. thanks, guys! i will add MDMA to the growing list of drugs i’ve never tried.

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      • avatar

        Jessibel5 October 9, 2013, 12:07 pm

        This reminds me of a comment my friend’s wife made. She was pretty wild in college and after college. She started having seizures, and went to the Dr, who asked “what drugs have you done?” She started listing them, and then said to him “actually, it’s probably easier to tell you what drugs I HAVEN’T done” She’s completely turned her life around and is an awesome, responsible adult, but wow.

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest October 9, 2013, 9:45 am

    I think the bottom line is you cannot be around drugs or people that use them.

    Was he a great help to you when you needed it? Sounds like it. But that doesn’t mean he has to always be in your life, or will always be a great help when you need it. And that’s ok. Ending this now doesn’t erase all the good. You needed him at a time in your life and he was there for you. You can always be grateful for that, while moving on with your life without him. I used to think you have to keep people around forever, and that’s just not the case.

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  • honeybeenicki

    honeybeenicki October 9, 2013, 9:47 am

    LW, listen to Wendy. If he or his roommates are using drugs, you are being put in/putitng yourself in a situation that might endanger your recovery and your life. That is not ok. I’m sure you love him and he obviously did a lot to take care of you when you were in need, but that is not always enough. I would suggest you step away from the situation.

    Also, his comment about how he is stronger than you is complete and utter bullshit and shows a complete lack of respect for you. Anyone can become an addict. My husband did. He’s been clean for almost 5 years, but I bet when he experimented he said “well, I won’t ever become addict. I’m stronger than that” or some variation. Because I am in a commited relationship with him and believe his happiness and safety directly impacts my happiness and safety, I do what I can to help in his continuing sobriety. If I can avoid it, I don’t bring prescription pain meds into the house. I certainly don’t use them recreationally. There is no big sacrifice for your boyfriend to NOT use drugs. There is a double standard here and not only is it not cool, it’s not a positive situation for you and your addiction.

    It sucks that you went through such a rough time, but I believe things like that generally bring people out as stronger people on the other side. Do what you can to keep yourself safe, happy (in the long run) and sober. It is important to take care of yourself first. And if you need it, seek out a support group or even just a friend you can rely on. You don’t have to deal with this by yourself.

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    • avatar

      starpattern October 9, 2013, 11:31 am

      “There is no big sacrifice for your boyfriend to NOT use drugs.”

      SERIOUSLY. I feel this way about all substances (except caffeine, ha). When my peers and I started graduating college and getting jobs, some people people whined about having to weed because they would be drug tested. What? STFU, it is not that big a deal… especially when you’re avoiding it because of something like a job, or I don’t know, the health and safety of someone you love.

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      • Miel

        Miel October 9, 2013, 12:39 pm

        Exactly. I mean, have you ever heard of a mom complaining because “she couldn’t eat nuts anymore, because her son is super allergic to them and could die from smelling them, and it annoys her so much, so now she hides some nuts in the house and eat them when the son is not looking.” No. You don’t hear that. Because the mom wants to keep her son healthy and she will do a reasonable sacrifice (not buying and eating nuts) for her son’s sake.

        Same with drug really. The boyfriend should want the LW to stay healthy, and MDMA is obviously not something she should have around her if she wants to stay healthy !

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      • avatar

        starpattern October 9, 2013, 2:21 pm

        I think food allergy is a pretty good analogy. I mean, yeah I really like nuts but they would be out of my house in a heartbeat if someone I am close to had an allergy to them. Definitely not that great of a sacrifice.

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      • avatar

        starpattern October 9, 2013, 2:22 pm

        Ugh proofreading needed!

        “…some people whined about having to quit weed…”

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  • avatar

    Terri Anne October 9, 2013, 9:52 am

    Now that the LW has been gainfully employed and drug-free for several years, she has made tremendous progress in her recovery. As a former addict herself, she is aware of the strong possibility that the boyfriend is lying about his drug use. Part of recovery also includes developing healthy relationships, and the LW is showing very healthy concern about the state of their relationship. Please LW, do not allow yourself to be drawn again into another cycle of enabling and codependency with your boyfriend. I know you love him and you are very grateful for everything he has done for you. But you cannot risk your recovery for him, and a temporary separation may help him realize that using drugs will not give him the life he wants.

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  • avatar

    seagull October 9, 2013, 9:55 am

    WWS. But also him saying that he is “obviously a stronger person” than you reeeeally stuck out to me. I’m in class right now, so I can’t go into detail with all the things that is wrong with that statement, but that should be a big indicator of his character. Hint: it’s not a good one.

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  • theattack

    theattack October 9, 2013, 9:59 am

    Not only is he experimenting with a drug that you are very sensitive to, he is also lying to you about using it. That’s a very dangerous situation for him, and it’s a very dangerous situation for you to be exposed to. I think you have to get out now and take care of yourself.

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  • avatar

    rieux October 9, 2013, 10:27 am

    I have to say that this: “He replied that he is obviously just a stronger person than I am.” plus the fact that he somewhat “rescued” you from your original addiction (I’m not saying he really rescued you — I think you rescued yourself, and brava for that) by helping you while you were recovering, is raising all SORTS of red flags for me.

    Best case: He secretly/unconsciously liked feeling like your rescuer and seeing you as a weak person in need of his strength because it made him feel good about himself. Even though you’re recovered now and probably stronger from that experience, his real view of you as the weak one popped out when he was defending himself against your accusations.

    Worst case: He actively WANTS to make you weak because he likes it that way, and part of his strategy is belittling you, and he doesn’t think he needs to live up to the same rules as you do because he is entitled to do whatever he wants AND dictate what you do. In this scenario, his choosing someone who was on drugs would have been a somewhat deliberate choice — he would be choosing someone who would be beholden to him, someone who he saw as an easy target for manipulation.

    Hopefully it’s a best-case scenario where he’s just having trouble emerging from his original role as your rescuer. But I hope that you’ll be very careful with your self-esteem and self-respect around him, and make sure that if he keeps belittling you and trying to make you a weaker person instead of a stronger one, he’s out the door.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest October 9, 2013, 10:34 am

      WOW! wRs. I missed the stronger comment.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray October 9, 2013, 10:55 am

      oh i’m with LBH, good point re: the stronger comment.

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    • avatar

      SasLinna October 9, 2013, 11:12 am

      WRS.

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  • bagge72

    Bagge72 October 9, 2013, 10:32 am

    I think since you were so hooked on this drug you know what it can and will probably do, and you know that lying, and covering is a thing that happens when using this drug. How many times have you told people you wouldn’t do it again, but really did it? I think you need to get out before this gets out of hand, and possibly ends up being a set back for you with what you have worked so hard to achive. I know it’s tough since he got you out of your black hole, but that isn’t something that you ever want to get back into.

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  • avatar

    painted_lady October 9, 2013, 10:39 am

    This is one of the reasons I’m always wary of relationships where one partner “saves” the other one. Whether either partner believes the one who was saved is indebted, that dynamic is always going to lurk a little in the background. The fact that one did the saving means that partner can’t move on or betray in certain ways because then the other partner feels abandoned in ways that are more significant than just a relationship breaking down – in this case her sobriety might seem in danger, and that’s sort of fucked up that the guy who helped get her there might be the one who ruins it as well. And the other partner can’t leave, because how ungrateful, they save you and you leave them?

    I know it’s hard to, but treat these all as separate issues. Yes, he helped get you sober, but his fuckup had nothing to do with that (though his reaction was super shitty – he’s stronger than you, wtf). The fact that he saved you doesn’t mean you can’t leave or that you’re obligated to do the same for him. And also, sure he helped get you back on your feet, but if you hadn’t wanted to get sober, there’s not a thing in the world that would have gotten you there. So acknowledge your part in it as well, because you’ve done a lot of hard work, and if this guy’s going to do something that is going to make it more difficult for you to stay clean, you need to do what’s best for you.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. October 9, 2013, 10:43 am

    I would say get away from him now, for all the reasons Wendy gave. Your health and continuing recovery must be the most important things to you right now. Your boyfriend is a hypocrite and a liar in addition to a possible budding drug addict and you do not need to be around somone like that right now. Or ever. Not to mention uninformed, arrogant and insensitive for suggesting that people with additions are somehow weak or inferior. It takes a lot of strength to overcome an addiction and you do not need someone around who will tear you down. You probably feel a sense of gratitude to him for all the good things he’s done for you, but feeling gratitude for someone does not mean they own you. Do not stay with him out of a misplaced sense of loyalty. Put yourself first and surround yourself with people who will support you in your continuing battle against addiction.

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    • rainbow

      rainbow October 9, 2013, 11:47 am

      Calling someone “a possible budding drug addict” because they tried drugs a few times is an exaggeration, IMO.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest October 9, 2013, 12:04 pm

        Doing a drug 4 times in one week and lying about it would mean someone is a “possible” budding drug addict to me!

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl October 9, 2013, 12:11 pm

        I completely agree. MDMA is a serious drug and I would seriously question addiction if it was done 4 times in one week.

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      • avatar

        Lucy October 9, 2013, 1:34 pm

        Kind of depends on whether it’s a one-off or a pattern. Four times a week once sounds like a bad decision; four times a week for three months sounds like a problem.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl October 9, 2013, 1:12 pm

        LW, it’s time to move on. You need to learn to stand on your own and not rely on others for your sobriety.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl October 9, 2013, 1:12 pm

        That should have gone at the bottom.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo October 9, 2013, 11:30 am

    MDMA is a fairly dangerous drug, and not just for reasons of addiction. Compared to lots of other very dangerous drugs, it has a higher likelihood of doing permanent neurological damage, even on the first use. It can permanently affect serotonin processing in your brain. Long story short, it can permanently inhibit your ability to feel happiness. Though it is not as physiologically addictive as other things, the desire to “get happy” and the drug’s suppression of this ability creates a dangerous feedback loop. The boyfriend took a serious risk even trying it.

    Those familiar with my history will know that I am not all pollyanna about the joys of intoxication. But i have never done and will never do ecstasy for these reasons.

    LW, the risk to you is very big here. I would consider distancing yourself from any of this behaviour, permanently if necessary.

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  • avatar

    Liquid Luck October 9, 2013, 12:35 pm

    LW, this relationship is not healthy. And it’s not just because your boyfriend is experimenting with drugs (although that is reason enough for you to leave), but it’s because your boyfriend quite clearly does not view you as an equal partner. Your relationship began with him being in a position of power over you (your “savior”), and it seems that he still believes himself to be above you (proven by his “I’m stronger than you” comment). You mention working for the same company-is he also your boss? Either way, this dynamic is really toxic, and it’s so ingrained in your relationship that it can’t be fixed.

    Yes, you are an addict and have had a lot of struggles in the past. But that does not mean that you are a lesser person because of it. Even with help, many addicts never get clean, but you have. You are a much stronger person than you (or your boyfriend) are giving yourself credit for, and you deserve as much as anyone does to have a partner that respects you and treats you like an equal.

    Lastly, I’m sure you’ve sought counseling for your addiction, but have you tried therapy to help you work on the issues that resulted from your past? It sounds like you have low self-esteem and aren’t valuing yourself enough. You mention physical and mental abuse, have you gotten professional help to deal with the lasting effects from that? I highly suggest that you seek individual counseling for these things. Feeling like you can’t do better than being an addict or feelings of depression and despair are just as likely to push you back toward your old behavior as physically being around these drugs, so please make sure that you’re taking care of yourself first and foremost. Your boyfriend helped you out of a terrible time, but for the rest of your life, it’s up to you to make sure that you are taking every advantage of the second chance you’ve been given. As much as you love your boyfriend, he is obviously not as devoted to your sobriety as you need him to be, and he is not worth throwing away all the hard work you’ve done so far.

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson October 9, 2013, 1:15 pm

    I don’t know if anyone has said this yet but it reminds me of that saying “some people are in your life for a season, a reason, or (something else that doesn’t matter right now)” Maybe this boyfriend was in your life for a reason, to help turn your life around. But that reason has been completed, and his actions might jeopardize all your success, and like Wendy said, no boyfriend is worth your life.

    Walk away now before he does irreparable damage. You more than anyone knows what is on the line. Walk away now so that you can always remember him as the guy that turned your life around and not as the guy who you got hooked on drugs again and ……. no one wants to finish that sentence. But be your own best friend right now. Walk away.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest October 9, 2013, 1:18 pm

      Dammit, I was TRYING to and failing.

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  • avatar

    Lucy October 9, 2013, 1:28 pm

    OK, I’ll take the bf’s side, because somebody ought to. Except for the “stronger person” comment, which is completely indefensible.

    LW, your bf isn’t just the guy who helped you come back from a near-fatal addiction. He’s also just a guy. He’s curious about stuff he’s never tried, especially stuff that seems risky (as we all are); he thinks more highly of himself than is supported by the facts (as we all do); he believes he has a lot more control over his life than he does (as we all do). My point is, he has his own agency that isn’t about your life and your relationship. He’s a grown man who has the right to decide for himself that he wants to experiment with drugs. But he also loves you and doesn’t want to do anything that would hurt or upset you, so he tried to minimize his actions to you. It’s cowardly, but it’s entirely human. Also, he is probably afraid that if he were completely honest with you, you might use that as an excuse to start using again. I can tell you from experience that being in a relationship with an addict is very, very hard. The tendency to think you have more control over the addict’s situation than you do is extremely difficult to resist. It took me a while to really internalize that the other person’s sobriety is not about me, and my actions have really nothing to do with whether the other person decides to start using again.

    Also, this statement is way off base: “And how dare he say he would finish with me if I ever did it again! What a hypocrite!” That’s not hypocrisy; that’s just the reality of your addiction and his non-addiction. I absolutely would have left my husband in a heartbeat if he had started drinking or using again; that doesn’t mean I agreed to never have a glass of wine (or vodka) again for the rest of my life. If your sobriety is dependent on your bf never experimenting with drugs, even when you’re not around, then your recovery might not be very stable, and you might want to join an NA group and get a sponsor. But don’t put it on your bf; your sobriety is your responsibility, not his.

    All that said, I think you probably should break up with him. Unlike him, you do need to make all your decisions through a filter of what’s best for you. Your sobriety needs to be the most important thing in the world to you. If you think that his occasional drug use, even if it doesn’t happen around you, is in any way putting your sobriety at risk, then you should run like hell. But don’t blame him for turning out to be just a regular guy, not a white knight.

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      SasLinna October 9, 2013, 2:27 pm

      Good comment, and you’re right that the hypocrisy remark she made was off. Actually – aside from the “stronger than you” comment – this guy could just be a regular guy experimenting with drugs. It might have been harmless in another context, but not for this LW.

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    kriskros October 9, 2013, 1:47 pm

    I think it’s great that you found someone that was willing to support you during that dark part of your life, but don’t minimize your own role in your recovery. You made the choice not to use every day, not him. You don’t owe him anything, don’t put him on a pedestal. I say that because I know that you’ll feel a lot of guilt at the idea of breaking up with this man. I don’t agree with some of the comments above. An alcoholic that is in a relationship with someone who drinks is at much higher risk of relapse than if they were with someone that was sober. The same is true for you. This man seems to feel that he is a better person than you in some way. He “fed you” and took care of you. He’s a “stronger person than you”. The power dynamic in this relationship is way off. You want to be with someone that views you as strong and competent (because you are!) and not as the weak link that he has to protect. Thank this man for the support that he gave you at a time that you really needed it. Then move on to a better relationship where your drug history doesn’t play such a huge role in your relationship dynamic. And there are plenty of good people that won’t be experimenting with ecstacy out there!

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    boredatwork October 9, 2013, 2:11 pm

    Ok lets clear this up. You rescued yourself.
    As any person who has ever known a drug addict will tell you, they won’t change unless they want to and are ready. You wanted to and were ready. Sure, he supported you through this process but it was never his body that went through withdrawals, or him that thought about one more time and had the strength to say no. You are way more powerful then you give yourself credit for. You need to claim it.

    Now, dude lied to you, and doesn’t share you values. He also apparently views you as weak. I understand you think he did this big wonderful thing for you (getting you clean) but really you did this big wonderful thing for yourself, and now that you are clean safe and healthy you need to stay that way so do another big wonderful thing for yourself and leave this guy.

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  • meadowphoenix

    meadowphoenix October 9, 2013, 2:15 pm

    You have not been ruined. You went through some terrible things, but you decided enough was enough, and got the support you needed to get through it. Part of recovering is finding you strength. Your boyfriend should be feeding that back to size too, and if he can’t then you need to find someone who won’t at least cut you down.

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  • mylaray

    mylaray October 9, 2013, 2:55 pm

    So your white knight that saved you tried drugs and isn’t on that same pedestal anymore. I think the problem is you two were never equal, and I think he lied about how many times he did it to protect you, which isn’t good either. I do think this can be resolved but it sounds like the dynamics of your relationship need to change more than anything else. The way you talk about him and giving all the credit to him (and how you still talk poorly of yourself and being ruined) is really unhealthy. He may have helped you get clean from drugs, but you’re in control of your life, and you’re the one who has managed to stay clean and on a better path. Just like he’s the one who decided to try MDMA. He made that decision well aware of your past. But I don’t think you need to be focusing on the drug so much. Think of it as ‘is this a lifestyle change I can accept in him?’, especially giving your history. Because these drugs are illegal and supposed to be bad and all that, I think we get wrapped up in someone doing something bad. I’m not saying drugs are good. But would you have the same reaction if you were an alcoholic to your partner suddenly drinking? Maybe, maybe not.

    It’s your decision given your past if you are okay with someone doing something that took such a bad turn in your life. It sucks that he lied about it, and that’s another thing to think about. I also think therapy could really help you and resolve your feelings on how you fixed yourself and how you got into a relationship with this dynamic where you give him all the power so soon after getting clean. When one overcomes an addiction, it’s easy to transfer that addiction or unhealthy balance into something or someone else.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark October 9, 2013, 4:08 pm

    EH. MDMA isn ‘t THAT addictive. I have known more people to take MDMA recreationally than any other drug — except maybe weed or alcohol. And nobody I know had ever spiraled out of control on it. Can ‘t say the same for any other drug. Including alcohol which had wrecked way more peoples lives in my circle at any rate. Even weed is more if a rabbithole.

    Just commenting here as so few here even know what this drug is. Much misinformation in this thread.

    It sound more like Meth she was on. Or maybe it was the Coke.

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      lets_be_honest October 9, 2013, 4:12 pm

      Darn, we’re not all highly educated on drugs. Its much, much more dangerous than many drugs though. And just generally, again, not as someone whose highly informed on all things drugs, its unwise for an addict to be around drug users/drugs.

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    • gatecrashergirl

      gatecrashergirl October 9, 2013, 4:16 pm

      I was thinking the same thing BGM. It’s not known for being an addictive drug at all. Cocaine on the other hand…

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl October 9, 2013, 4:17 pm

        My money is on the coke…that stuff can seriously screw a person up, I’ve experienced it first hand.

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    • theattack

      theattack October 9, 2013, 4:17 pm

      Some ecstasy is cut with meth if it’s not pure MDMA. When people are taking crap like that, it is addictive. I agree that it’s not typical to be physically addicted to MDMA by itself, but even so, coming down from it sucks harder than anything else I’ve ever felt. People take more and more of it because their brain is basically drained of serotonin every time they take it, so I think they get addicted to the emotions whether they’re physically addicted or not.

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      • theattack

        theattack October 9, 2013, 4:18 pm

        The ensuing depression and suicidal thoughts are enough to wreak havoc on anyone.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle October 9, 2013, 4:24 pm

      You’re baaaack 😉

      I agree with you, but I was treading lightly as not to get into a big, separate debate (that may, as an accidental effect, discount the LW’s experiences. SOooOoo even what I’m writing right now, it’s just towards a few of the eyebrow-raising “factoids” in the comments). MDMA, taken often, can fuck with your moods (enough so that I *do* understand the spiraling this LW experienced, especially if cocaine was her other drug of choice) but it’s not physiologically addictive the way that alcohol, opiates, etc. are.

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    • landygirl

      landygirl October 9, 2013, 4:25 pm

      MDMA effects: Sticking your tongue out, twerking and swinging from wrecking balls.

      I saw Carl Hart on Real Time a few weeks back and he has an interesting take on addiction. I don’t know if I agree with it, but it makes you think.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest October 9, 2013, 4:27 pm

        Its crazy that when Miley Cyrtus gets naked and licks a hammer, its “art” and “music” but if I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot”

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray October 9, 2013, 4:37 pm

        bwahahaha

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