I then met my boyfriend who helped me in ways I will always be grateful for. He picked me up, and fed me back to a healthy size. I now work in the same company as he does as a manager and we couldn’t be happier. He has always told me he’d be done with me if I ever touched any drug again, and he has never ever had an interest in taking any drug himself, especially after seeing what drugs did to me.
Recently though, after two years together, he has started questioning me about the drugs I took. He eventually mentioned that he tried MDMA once a couple weeks back. I felt hurt, betrayed, and angry that he would do this exact drug that nearly killed me; however, I did not blow up at him; I just said I was disappointed. About an hour later, on my way back from the bathroom, I overheard him talking to his housemates (who were the ones he tried it with) as he said, “Maybe doing it four times in one week was a bit much.”
I feel let down and so angry. How could he do this after everything I’ve been through? Why would he tell me he has always been so against drugs if he clearly wasn’t?! Why didn’t he tell me he wanted to try it one day? Why lie and say he only tried it once? And how dare he say he would finish with me if I ever did it again! What a hypocrite!
He says he won’t do it again, but after those lies and considering the type of people he obviously lives with, I’m finding it hard to trust he won’t do it again. I asked him how he can know that he won’t want to do it again, because that’s what I thought when I tried it, too. He replied that he is obviously just a stronger person than I am.
Am I over-reacting? I don’t know how to get over this trust issue now. — Drug Bust
Trust is one of the most important parts of a relationship and, when it’s challenged, it definitely puts the relationship at risk. But beyond that, in this particular scenario your own health is at risk. You have a drug addiction and now you are romantically involved with someone who is, at the very least, experimenting with the same drug that almost killed you. That’s a little too close for comfort. This is more than just dealing with lost trust. This is about protecting yourself and creating clear and strong boundaries between you and your addiction and demons.
Your boyfriend may never again touch drugs. His little experimentation may have been enough to satisfy his curiosity. Or, like you, he may be drawn to the drugs again, against his best judgment. That doesn’t make him a bad person. People can have temptations and weaknesses and the mistakes they make shouldn’t define them. You should know that better than anyone. Just because you boyfriend said one thing and did another doesn’t negate his love for you and the positive influence he’s had in your life. But his good qualities also shouldn’t overshadow whatever potential harm he may directly or indirectly put in your path.
You would know better than I do what your tolerance level is. Are you strong enough to avoid drugs knowing your boyfriend is in such close contact with them? Can you be in his company or in his home knowing that not only he, but his roommates, are experimenting with the drugs that had such a strong hold on you? If it were I, I wouldn’t want to risk being pulled back into the dangerous cycle of using. Not even for a boyfriend I really loved. The risk just wouldn’t be worth it.
But you have to decide for yourself how great you think that risk is. With the trust between you challenged now, that makes your decision more difficult. It may just be that you need to separate yourself from your boyfriend until there’s more clarity around the situation. You can tell him that you’re disappointed in his recent decisions and, even though you love him and will be forever grateful for the love and care he’s given you, you have to take care of yourself and stay away from any potentially harmful situations, which include remaining romantically involved with someone who is himself experimenting with drugs as well as living with people who are experimenting with drugs.
The grip of addiction is too tight and your history too recent and too dark to risk a relapse because your world has suddenly become tainted with the drug’s presence. No boyfriend is worth that.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.