He and his family had to travel to West Virginia for the funeral. He did not invite me to go and, when I asked why, he said, “It was not necessary for you to take two days off work to go.” Plus, he said it would have been crowded in his car with his parents and daughter, and he said he and his parents were going to share a hotel room. I found out through social media (gotta love that) that his sister’s daughter’s fiancé went to the funeral.
My feelings are very hurt that he did not include me in something that was so important to him. I know I shouldn’t complain and moan and groan, but this is not the first time he has not included me in stuff because he thinks it’s okay to make decisions for me. FYI…I’m a 38-year-old single mother of a teenage boy. I don’t think I need a man to make decisions for me. I am pretty capable.
Anyway, he told me I was inconsiderate because I didn’t ask him how he was feeling. However, I did say to him, “If you need to talk or anything, let me know — I’m here.” Apparently, that was not good enough for him.
I feel like I have been completely excluded from the whole thing and he has made it a point to only tell me what he thinks I need to know. — Over It
Your boyfriend’s grandmother dies — something you acknowledge is a big deal to your boyfriend of two and a half years — and, rather than worry about him and how he’s feeling, you’ve made this all about you. You feel excluded! Your feelings are hurt he didn’t invite you to the funeral! You’re mad that he waited a day to tell you about the death and then only did so over text! Have you considered that all of these things happened because your boyfriend suspected he wouldn’t get the support he needed from you and that you’d make this all about you when he’d prefer processing his grandmother’s death, grieving, and honoring her with as little drama as possible?
It says a lot that you literally did not ask your boyfriend how he was feeling when he told you his grandmother died and that your first impulse was to “complain and moan and groan” about “a man making a decision for you.” Excluding you from the funeral wasn’t a decision your boyfriend made for you. It was a decision he made for himself! And if you spent two minutes thinking about him and what he might be going through right now, you might realize that.
If this isn’t the first time you’ve been excluded from something important to your boyfriend, it’s well past time for you two to have a state of the union address. Find out exactly why your boyfriend excludes you from these things. I suspect the answer will be similar to Tuesday’s column: he doesn’t want to worry about tending to you when his focus should be elsewhere.
It’s lazy of your boyfriend to choose not to deal with you instead of sitting down and communicating his feelings, but I have a hunch he believes that communicating with you will lead nowhere and that you’ll just get defensive while he wants to avoid confrontation. Why he doesn’t simply break up with you, if that’s true, I don’t know. You must be giving him something he enjoys and doesn’t want to lose. But, clearly, whatever the two of you get from each other doesn’t seem to be enough to truly satisfy you both. So, sit down, communicate, resist the urge to be defensive, and really try to hear what he has to say. It’s long past time.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.