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“My Boyfriend Got His Ex Pregnant with a Turkey Baster”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today’s crop of letters makes me sad for our society.

I have been dating my boyfriend for a month now and I recently found out he got an ex pregnant. He’s mentioned her before but said they never did anything without a condom. Rumor has it she used a turkey baster to get pregnant. She went around tellin’ his grandma and mom she was pregnant by him and now his mom’s trying to get them back together knowin’ me and him are dating. Now he says he wants distance from me. What should I do? Should I just leave him alone or keep seeing him? — Turkey Baster Killing My Joy

 
Why would you want to continue seeing some guy you’ve known for a month who has a pregnant ex, a pushy family, and a story about a turkey baster you’d have to be a turkey to believe? Seriously? If all that sounds appealing to you, then sure, keep dating him.

I’ve been in a relationship for more than a year. We are moving in together in a few weeks. He is an army soldier and he just got back about three months ago. Before he got back, I found out he was talking to his ex. He’s also got some weird type of hobby now where he likes to flirt with women online and have cyber sex with them. I found out because of his Facebook. I had to check his e-mail account, and I found a whole bunch of pictures of naked women. Women he knows. I broke up with him, but recently we got back together. He deleted his Facebook and cancelled his email account, but now he is on Instagram liking pictures of naked women. I love him, but I’m confused and don’t know what should I do. — InstaMad

 
The guy is cheating on you and actively pursuing and interacting with other women. What is there to be confused about here? Stay with him and be miserable, or leave him and retain at least a shred of dignity and hope for something better.

I am 28 years old and three months pregnant. The father is my boyfriend of about six months, whom I love and care very much for. I have no doubt that he wants to be a father and will be a good one. However, he wants to be around me 24/7. He has no job and still lives at home with his parents. He is 25. He has many good attributes, but I am getting so angry with him lately over his immaturity and inabity to grow the heck up. I pay my bills and some of his, and I’m sick of it. I work my butt off while he sits at home. We do not live together either. All he wants to do is be with me day and night, and that irritates me because we all need a little space, right? But what do I do? Wait it out and see if he grows up? I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. I feel like I have a child already. I need advice on what I need to do! — Worried Mama-to-be

 
I’m confused as to why in the world you think your boyfriend seems like strong father material. It takes more than love to provide for your child and raise him or her to be a well-rounded individual. Honestly, I’d consider whether keeping your child is really the best choice and, if you’re convinced it is, then talk to a lawyer about getting full custody and figure out a plan for providing full care — financially, especially, since it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend is going to help out at all — to your child.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

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{ 120 comments… add one }

MaterialsGirl MaterialsGirl August 17, 2012, 9:03 am

facepalm

landygirl landygirl August 17, 2012, 10:48 am

You took the word right out of my mouth.

Moneypenny Moneypenny August 17, 2012, 12:42 pm

Seriously.

avatar jlyfsh August 17, 2012, 9:06 am

There are some real keepers in this bunch!!

Also I’m from the south and I don’t pronounce most g’s but it really bothers me when they are left off of words in their written form.

And a turkey baster really? Maybe you need to talk to Katie about sex ;)

JK JK August 17, 2012, 9:12 am

I thought MG had said everything that needed to be said about these letters, but you´ve proved me wrong.
And your accent must be adorable!!!

avatar jlyfsh August 17, 2012, 9:29 am

haha it’s something, i don’t know if it’s adorable ;)

avatar CG August 17, 2012, 9:29 am

There’s no way LW1 can be real. I mean, I know “pregnant by turkey baster” is a soap opera storyline staple, but IRL?

avatar CG August 17, 2012, 9:32 am

Let me clarify: I realize that, if LW1 *is* real, obvs they’re lying about using the turkey baster. But the whole thing is so ridiculous, it has to be made up. At least, I hope!

JK JK August 17, 2012, 9:38 am

Haven´t there been cases with famous athletes or something? I seem to remember reading about it…

avatar bethany August 17, 2012, 10:00 am

You can certainly do it that way. But there’s no way someone could do it on the sly. A man would have to be right there to produce the product, to be put in there ASAP.

I’ve heard of lesbian couples doing this successfully before- using a (willing) male friend’s sperm.

avatar jlyfsh August 17, 2012, 10:16 am

yeah it’s almost implied that the sperm was stolen or what she saved it for years and then put it use? haha oh man.

avatar AmyRenee August 17, 2012, 2:17 pm

Here is a case where the woman reportedly took the used condom to the fertility clinic:
http://mommyish.com/stuff/woman-steals-ex-boyfriends-sperm-has-twins-sues-for-child-support-836/
and http://blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs/2011/11/hair_balls_is_familiar_with.php

I don’t know if this story is true or if there is more to it, but this is why I caution everyone I know NEVER to sleep with someone you aren’t willing to be tied to for the next 18+ years, condom or no.

But I’m willing to bed LW1s boyfriend heard of this story or sometime similar and is using it as an excuse, rather than admit he slept with his ex-girlfriend

avatar jlyfsh August 17, 2012, 2:21 pm

i hope the facilities that accepted the specimen suffered something for this. i mean don’t you at least have to sign something when turning in a specimen? i just can’t believe you can walk in with a condom and be like here ya go!

katie katie August 17, 2012, 9:33 am

dude, if she believes it was a turkey baster…. ok. but ill be honest, i do believe there are women out there who would get pregnant by a turkey baster just to have ties to the dad. its a sad world we live in. the first question this LW should be figuring out is HOW DID SHE GET THE SEMEN TO PUT IN THE TURKEY BASTER??? because semen only is good for like an hour outside of the body. so.

i mean i saw that on like CSI once. and i also saw an episode of strange sex where this guy got sexual gratification from donating his semen to couples who couldnt have kids… he had never had sex, but was the bio father of like 40 kids. and he would just do his stuff into a medical cup, the sterile ones, give it to the couple, and they would immediately inseminate with a seringe… which is basically a turkey baster, i guess.

but still. even with knowing all that…

avatar Riefer August 17, 2012, 10:02 am

It’s possible that she got pregnant by some other dude and is lying and saying it’s *this* dude, and none of them understand that sperm only lasts an hour so this guy believes her. I guess. Sad either way, really.

katie katie August 17, 2012, 10:44 am

yea. i mean honestly, either way you look at it its sad…

option 1. he had sex with his ex, got her pregnant.

option 2. he gave his ex sperm

option 3. she is lying that the baby is his to trap him into having to be in some sort of a relationship with her (even if that is only a relationship through custody/child support/ect)

i mean i wouldnt want to be a part of any of them. it wouldnt even matter to me about the sex/sperm donation.

avatar lemongrass August 17, 2012, 10:47 am

I saw that one! Actually I try to watch every episode but some are just too much for me. That guy was definitely a weirdo and not because of his fetish.

katie Katie August 17, 2012, 12:26 pm

Yea he was an odd guy. I loved the lead blanket above his bed to protect his sperm from solar radiation… And how he was disappointed his sperm only tested as “average”. Lol

avatar lemongrass August 17, 2012, 1:07 pm

I totally cover my entire body up before leaving the house. Can’t let that dirt on me.

avatar va-in-ny August 17, 2012, 3:11 pm

Yay for southerners! And yay for southerners wanting proper spelling!!

avatar bethany August 17, 2012, 9:12 am

omg.
I couldn’t actually finish reading ANY of those letters.

It makes me sad that people like that actually exist in the world.

JK JK August 17, 2012, 9:14 am

Not to mention that they´re reproducing.

avatar bethany August 17, 2012, 9:18 am

Ok, now that I have read them-
LW1- MOA
LW2-MOA
LW3- Doesn’t sound to me like you’re mature enough to successfully raise a child. WWS– You have a tough choice to make, but staying with this guy doesn’t seem like a good option.

avatar Riefer August 17, 2012, 10:04 am

She needs to understand that she’ll most likely be raising it alone, and like Wendy said, either give it up for adoption or figure out how you’re going to handle being a presumably quite young single mom.

avatar redessa August 17, 2012, 10:58 am

I agree that she needs to either planning for adoption or single parenting. She said she’s 28 which I don’t think is all that young to be having a first baby, but the maturity seems to be lacking. It would be one thing if they decided she’ll be the breadwinner and he’ll be the stay-home parent but they don’t live together, haven’t really been dating thst long, and it doesn’t seem like she even likes him that much.

And why oh why is she paying some of his bills when she’s got a baby to get ready for? Let his mommy and daddy do that – or better yet, he gets his own job. Not only will he have his own money, but it will give him something to do.

Red_Lady Red_Lady August 17, 2012, 7:12 pm

Yeah, the whole bill paying thing blew my mind. Why would you be financially supporting someone you’ve only known for 6 months?! That’s just enabling his lazy ass behavior. It’s usually nice for a child to be raised by both parents, but damn…. this guy can’t even take care of himself!

avatar Taylor August 17, 2012, 9:16 am

Aim higher! All of you! HIGHER.

lurkerliz Medie711 August 17, 2012, 9:19 am

OMG… thats all I have for this batch. I too am sad for society after reading this!

avatar Guesteriffic August 17, 2012, 9:20 am

LW 1, if you really believe that she did it with a turkey baster then A, you’re ignoring the fact that he still had to deliver a fresh batch of the goo (it isn’t shelf stable, ya know?) and B, yeah, right. This is a woman he was intimate with in the past and you honestly believe that he didn’t just deliver the stuff the old fashioned way? Also, even if he DID use some sort of protection, guess what? They can fail.

LW 2, this guy is a cheating bastard. I’m guessing you’ve only scratched the tip of the iceberg here. Plus, if you’re having this much drama and this many trust issues this early on, then it’s not meant to be. Trust me.

LW 3, I’m sure this guy can be all loving and attentive and whatnot. He’s got nothing else to do. Give him a job and responsibilities and I think you’ll find his personality changes.

Budj Budj August 17, 2012, 9:21 am

may as well have been a super soaker.

JK JK August 17, 2012, 9:23 am

Thanks for the mental image, budj.

Budj Budj August 17, 2012, 11:34 am

Seeeeems to be my forte…to some people’s pleasure and other’s dismay.

avatar j.walker August 17, 2012, 9:28 am

I’m choosing to believe that first letter was sent as a joke

avatar jlyfsh August 17, 2012, 9:29 am

you’ve never been to my hometown.

call-me-hobo call-me-hobo August 17, 2012, 10:42 am

jlyfsh, I’m going to be in Kershaw, SC in September- is that close to you?

avatar jlyfsh August 17, 2012, 10:52 am

it’s about 3 hours to the west! :)

call-me-hobo call-me-hobo August 17, 2012, 10:56 am

Aw, Boo. Me and my boyfriend are going to a race there called “The 24 hours of Lemons” (it’s where they take cars that cost less than $500 and race them for a full day). I was hoping that if you were close by we could meet up.

avatar jlyfsh August 17, 2012, 11:04 am

when in september are you going to be there?

call-me-hobo call-me-hobo August 17, 2012, 11:08 am

The 22nd and 23rd. Other than that- we’re still in planning mode.

avatar jlyfsh August 17, 2012, 11:12 am

aw man i have a meeting for work then! :( maybe another time!!

call-me-hobo call-me-hobo August 17, 2012, 11:18 am

Definitely. Maybe when it’s still beach weather.. :D

Fabelle Fabelle August 17, 2012, 9:28 am

Wooow, there’s no way that first letter is real, right? I never call fake, but who would type in’ instead of ing?? You still have to tap the keyboard 3 times. (Yes, that is the part that makes me doubt this letter’s authenticity. Unfortunately, I do beleive someone would be naive enough to believe that turkey baster story)

avatar jlyfsh August 17, 2012, 9:49 am

there are actually a lot of people who type this way. maybe because i’m from the south i see it more? but yes i know people who choose ” ‘ ” over g.

theattack theattack August 17, 2012, 11:31 am

I honestly don’t think that’s weird at all, but it’s a proximity issue.

Budj Budj August 17, 2012, 11:36 am

I think the ” ‘ ” shows that they know something goes there (in this case the “g”)…but are applying the way they speak to the way they want to be read..so I don’t mind it. It’s the thought that counts, haha.

avatar kerrycontrary August 17, 2012, 9:34 am

I think LW3 is capable of raising the child on her own if she is financially stable. I don’t think she chose the best person to procreate with, but what’s done is done. I would tell this guy that he needs to get a job as he’s going to need to pay child support and then see how he fairs as a dad. A lot of guys are excited during the pregnancy but can do the old fade out as soon as they realize that you can’t buy diapers with love.

katie katie August 17, 2012, 9:35 am

wow. just wow. …..there are no words. there just arent.

katie katie August 17, 2012, 9:42 am

ok, i will say though- these kinds of people are the reason i am so scared to have kids. i cannot bring children in this kind of world- the world where these people live- without feeling like ill be throwing my kids to the shark pit. i just cant. not to mention the war, genocide, racism, and other general shittyness of the world.

avatar Riefer August 17, 2012, 10:06 am

Problem is, if everyone who thinks it through logically decides not to have kids, then the only ones you have left are these people’s kids. I think it’s better to have them and raise them well and hope that they can improve the world in some way.

avatar bethany August 17, 2012, 10:14 am

Shit. THat’s a good point. I never thought about that before!!

katie katie August 17, 2012, 10:30 am

i know that, i know…

i dunno. it is a serious problem for me. ive said on here many many times the mind fights i have with myself all the time re: to have kids or not have kids. and this plays into it SO much. how can i bring life into this world full of so much shit? ugh.

LK7889 LK7889 August 17, 2012, 11:09 am

I’m there with you Katie. Add to the fact that I read yesterday on CNN that child care for a single child costs more than rent in more than half the country and I’m thinking that having children is a bad idea.

avatar AmyRenee August 17, 2012, 2:26 pm

It’s true. Daycare for one infant is equal to our mortgage payment (including insurance and taxes), and a year of daycare for an infant is more expensive than a year of tuition at a state school. Daycare is no joke.

avatar lemongrass August 17, 2012, 10:49 am

Idiocracy! That movie is hilarious.

LK7889 LK7889 August 17, 2012, 11:07 am

Yes. That describes it pretty well.

avatar MMcG August 17, 2012, 12:21 pm

@ Riefer: EXACTLY!!! all of the functional folks who only have 1 kid are going to be seriously overmatched by the idiots who have 5.

Exhibit A: Texas (my apologies to those of you who don’t fit the stereotype) that has poor education and family planning, booming teen pregnancy and STD rates… and idiots like Rick Perry just digging them in deeper and deeper. They also just became #1 in prison population!! WOO :)

avatar Riefer August 17, 2012, 2:53 pm

A cynical person would say that’s part of the plan. The more poor, uneducated beaten-down people the better. Keep the masses happy with fast food and reality TV so they don’t notice the people in power are taking the middle class away. Keep them ignorant so you can tell them which way they should vote, using folksy wisdom instead of “elitist” education and logic. It’s quite a system, really. I’m not sure what the end game is though, if the middle class really does disappear. Those rich people will be just as screwed as anyone else. Although I guess they’ll just take off to the Caymans and leave the rest of the people to rot.

avatar Riefer August 17, 2012, 2:54 pm

I’m not cynical though. I’m just saying, if one *were*. :)

avatar MJ August 18, 2012, 7:41 pm

If the majority of people were really this stupid, then it wouldn’t make news because it would be too common to peak anyone’s interest. So take heart. The world may be filled with stupid mean people, but the smart and kind outnumber them. If you want to have kids, then raise them to be a part of that group.

avatar ktfran August 17, 2012, 9:37 am

WTF? That is all I have to say.

avatar SweetPeaG August 17, 2012, 9:41 am

LW 1- Yes, leave him. Do not go back to him, ever. Then go take a book out of the library about human reproduction and read it.

LW 2- You are not the first person in history to have been lied to repeatedly by a man and kept going back anyway. I’ve been there. We’re all idiots sometimes. So, stop being an idiot. You can do this. Walk away and don’t look back.

LW 3- I am going to be the different one here, I think. I don’t think the fact that the father of your child is a loser neccessarily makes you incapable of being a good mom. Most of us have gotten involved with a moron at one time or another. And 25 year old moronic men are common. It’s an age where some people are on their way to making good lives for themselves and some people are still stuck in childhood. What you need to focus on now is preparing to be a Mom. I’d say that you should at least temporarily break up with this guy. Tell him that until he gets a job, gets his own apartment, and starts making steps towards being a good man, you don’t want to hear from him. You need to focus on bringing this child into the world. I think since you are a hard worker and a responsible person, you can do this. Save money, prepare a room for the child, look into resources if you qualify, and research what you’ll need to do to get child support from this guy. You will not be the first person in the world to be a single mom. If this guy shows real signs of improving, then you can talk about seeing each other very slowly again. Right now- he should not be your focus.

avatar kerrycontrary August 17, 2012, 10:21 am

I feel like LW3′s situation is kind of like Knocked Up. Like where she has her life together and he doesn’t. So yeh maybe she needs to break up with him to have him snap out of it.

avatar SweetPeaG August 17, 2012, 11:45 am

Sometimes ultimatums can be useful. This guy at least seems to love and care for her. Maybe a realization that he needs to grow up just needs to be smacked into him.

And if he doesn’t? Well, I have had sex with a few regrettable people in my time. I am glad I was careful about it… but if it had resulted in pregnancy, I don’t think that would make me doomed to be a terrible Mom. Women do motherhood by themselves all the time and their kids turn out okay. She is 28… she could be very ready to bring a child into the world.

avatar MMcG August 17, 2012, 9:45 am

I’m just going to agree with BitterGayMark’s take on this in advance… ;)

avatar bethany August 17, 2012, 10:04 am

Yeah, I agree. I can’t wait to hear what he has to say about this!

avatar rachel August 17, 2012, 10:22 am

He’s probably too busy banging his head against the wall to type.

call-me-hobo call-me-hobo August 17, 2012, 10:40 am

HAHAHAH. That is the perfect mental image, rachel. I also imagine him screaming something about “Effing Breeders” whilst banging his head, lol

bittergaymark bittergaymark August 17, 2012, 6:53 pm

That’s almost precisely what actually transpired… Yep.

FireStar FireStar August 17, 2012, 9:58 am

LW3 – You need to change your focus. The problem isn’t that he wants to hang around you all the time and couples need their space – the problem is he is happily unemployed and living in his mother’s house and you are bringing a child into the world together. He needs a job and you need a lawyer. You know what some courts can do to a parent capable of getting a job who has children to support but chooses not to work? They can jail them. It is surprising how many people find their way to a pay-cheque all of a sudden. It is not about your relationship with this man – it is about his obligations to the child you both created. Oh and stop paying his bills – you have a child to save for now.

avatar Oldie August 17, 2012, 12:24 pm

No, her point is she knows he’s a f…ing loser, but she can only put up with that sort of thing for so many hours a week. But, she wants to keep the guy, so she just needs to know how she can reduce the hours to something that is tolerable. She can’t imagine how good he is, unless he isn’t there. The evidence of your own eyes can be a nasty thing.

avatar Oldie August 17, 2012, 10:07 am

A full set of desperate women determined to keep the guy they’re dating, no matter how awful. No hope of fixing these relationships, just smack yourself aside the head and MOA. Living your life as if any man is better than no man pretty much guarantees you’ll never end up with a guy who is right for you. If you have been dating a month or a year and already see huge character problems with the guy, what convinces you that you can make him into something even remotely approaching what you want?

avatar Sue Jones August 17, 2012, 10:13 am

Oy!

avatar Muffy August 17, 2012, 10:30 am

LW2: “He has this weird kind of hobby” lol that’s an interesting way of characterizing cheating.
GF – what did you do today?
BF – nothing, just my hobby.

Don’t downplay what he is doing as a “hobby”.

avatar lemongrass August 17, 2012, 10:43 am

Priceless! That was one slick line.

katie katie August 17, 2012, 10:47 am

i am hoping that she meant hobby in sarcasm.. like a woman talking to her friends about cheating husband- oh yea, his new awesome *hobby* that he loves so much

i am really, really hoping.

avatar SweetPeaG August 17, 2012, 11:38 am

I thought the same thing. And my heart kinda broke a little for her. I know we’re all making fun of these LWs here. But, I feel so bad for a grown woman who goes through life that naive. She is so desperate to see her boyfriend as a good guy (and maybe for others to see him that way?), that she chooses words like “hobby” for blatant cheating. Poor, poor thing.

Unless it was sarcasm… in which case… hilarious choice of wording.

avatar lemongrass August 17, 2012, 1:10 pm

I do wonder about the LW’s when people call the letters fake. Imagine that they aren’t fakes and the LW reads the comments and thinks “my life is so fucked up that people don’t even think it’s real.”

Kate B. Kate B August 17, 2012, 10:36 am

Lordy. Can we hurry up and colonize Mars so I can go there? Also, does anybody use turkey basters to actually baste a turkey? Just curious.

LK7889 LK7889 August 17, 2012, 11:02 am

Can you even still buy turkey basters at the store? I don’t recall seeing one the last time I was looking at kitchen supplies.

avatar jlyfsh August 17, 2012, 11:04 am

yep you can! and i’ve used one (for its intended use) before :)

bittergaymark bittergaymark August 17, 2012, 11:34 am

Turkey Basters are easy to find. Hell, I pick em up all the time for shoots as they are a handy tool for aging and paint application in the world of Art Direction…

avatar redessa August 17, 2012, 11:08 am

I do!!! Thanksgiving has pretty much been turned over to me in my family and I will baste the turkey a time or two while it’s cooking. I also use the baster to get drippings for the gravy. I even do that when I’m just baking a chicken too.

LK7889 LK7889 August 17, 2012, 11:01 am

Each of these LWs is missing the point. I mean, believing the turkey baster story? Calling cheating a “hobby”? And talking about space in a relationship while the guy is unemployed and they have a baby coming? These woman WANT to stay with these guys or they wouldn’t miss the obvious points here: LW1: lying, LW2: cheating, LW3: good for nothing.

Also, I hope constantly that more than a few of the letters that get published here are fakes.

avatar emmkat August 17, 2012, 11:12 am

Oy vey! That’s really all I can muster for these ones. I hope at least a few are fake just because it’s too sad to think that some people really are this naive.

avatar bluesunday August 17, 2012, 11:23 am

Tellin’? Knowin’? Turkey baster? LW1 has got to be fake.

Please, let it be fake.

bittergaymark bittergaymark August 17, 2012, 11:27 am

I can’t even begin to fully comment on these Letters. Honestly, I fear my head would explode… In conclusion, I shall only say that — yes — I often do weep for the future. Very much. Apparently, we all should. Because foolish women constantly write in here again and again — seemingly gleefully proclaiming for all the world to see that they are truly doing all they can to ensure that women become the “doormat sex.”

Guess this is just one of those days, I shrug, and thank God I am a gay man. And that no matter how fucked up my own life is right now — and it IS hopelessly fucked up, admittedly! — at least I will always be able to say that at my own stupidity didn’t saddle the unborn with what is sure to be a less than glorious childhood. My epic problems are truly my own. Meaning I don’t doom others to them because I am simply too fucking stupid to breed. No, wait, that makes no sense… The problem is — apparently — NOBODY is too stupid to breed. To the contrary, it often seems like only the most stupid are breeding. Ugh… God, I wish I was an alcoholic so I could go out and have a drink! These letters sure make me need one.

Budj Budj August 17, 2012, 11:34 am

haha – well hopefully the fact that it has ALWAYS happened and the advent of the internet has just brought it to our attention will make you feel better… The world won’t explode as fast as it seems.

bittergaymark bittergaymark August 17, 2012, 11:35 am

Too bad — that. The world deserves to end, now more than ever before.

JK JK August 17, 2012, 11:36 am

Don´t be mean Mark. Some of us breeders are smart, responsible people. We just don´t go around flaunting ourselves like the irresponsible ones do.

Kate B. Kate B. August 17, 2012, 11:47 am

I used to take comfort from thinking that I would be dead before the shit really hits the fan. Then I read things like this and realize it’s too late. These people will be running the world when I’m old. Suicide becomes my retirement plan at this point.

landygirl landygirl August 17, 2012, 11:59 am

Behind every stupid woman there’s a stupid man, they just don’t write into DW.

bittergaymark bittergaymark August 17, 2012, 12:33 pm

Not true. Not true at all. You see, the stupid woman is constantly, deliberately CHOOSING to stay with not the stupid man, but the asshole… See, say what you will about these jerks, but the men in question aren’t exactly stupid. Oh, sure, they’re assholes. And assholes act like assholes yet can almost always seemingly count on stupid women to cling desperately to their hopelessly crappy relationships.

In my opinion, the guys are actually rather smart, hey, they get to act like assholes, lie, fuck around, do what they want, and yet they STILL get to have a relationship? That’s actually quite an accomplishment, wish I could find that deal. Now… tell me again? Exactly how are these men being stupid?

Kate B. Kate B. August 17, 2012, 12:42 pm

Yeah, that’s a sweet deal. I want a deal like that. No accountability, no responsibility, have all my needs met slavishly by someone who doesn’t realize how badly they’re being treated and therefore I never have to apologize or own it? Sign me up.

landygirl landygirl August 17, 2012, 1:56 pm

Believe me there are stupid men and I’ve met a few. Men get (pardon my French) pussywhipped by a woman and they’re done for. While I think women and men have different motivations for staying in bad relationships, they both do.

How many letters have we read by people who complain that their friend’s fiancee is insufferable and yet he stays with her and dumps all of his friends? How many guys talk about being “Friendzoned” by a woman who give them just enough hope to stick around but nothing more? How many men don’t think about putting a rubber on when having sex with someone and wind up getting them pregnant?

While I don’t disagree with your assessment that women who write to DW can be stupid, I think if more men wrote in we’d see that they can be just as dumb.

avatar SweetPeaG August 17, 2012, 2:43 pm

I very much agree!
Just look at the DW readership. While there are some men here and there… women far outnumber them. So, it only makes sense that the people who write in just happen to be female.
The men of the world are just as dumb… they are just far less likely to seek internet advice showcasing their stupidity.

landygirl landygirl August 17, 2012, 2:52 pm

p.s. Can I come to your house for Thanksgiving? I’ll bring the turkey baster.

Astronomer Astronomer August 17, 2012, 3:36 pm

Q: Exactly how are these men being stupid?

A: Guys who behave like smart, compassionate, and interesting humans attract partners who are smarter, more compassionate, and more interesting. Sure, dudes can go the easy route, be assholes, and get random girls. BUT dudes can also take the harder road (i.e. not depending on mom for support) and get a girl to be proud of.

bittergaymark bittergaymark August 17, 2012, 6:51 pm

It appears once again that few of you get my point…

landygirl landygirl August 17, 2012, 7:27 pm

I get your point but it irks me off that you totally disregard out counterpoints. Not all women are stupid and not all men are intelligent. Men do foolish things, they just don’t write into DW and talk about it. Women and men operate differently because women and men are raised differently. You can’t paint broad negative picture of an entire gender and not piss someone off.

In the end, it’s people that are stupid.

avatar stilgar666 August 17, 2012, 11:40 am

Wow, so these are some of the letters Wendy gets?

How can we keep trashy people away from the internet?

avatar bethany August 17, 2012, 11:47 am

How can we keep them from reproducing, should be the real question!

JK JK August 17, 2012, 11:48 am

I remember AKchic a while back had a good plan, something about BC in drinks, I think it was.

avatar AKchic August 17, 2012, 3:55 pm

Yep… birth control in ALL alcoholic products. Fast-acting birth control for both men and women.

avatar MMcG August 17, 2012, 4:10 pm

I was thinking norplant and a dart gun… your method is so much more friendly!

avatar temperance August 17, 2012, 4:29 pm

Maybe only in certain trashy alcoholic products, like Miller Lite, 4 Loko, and Bacardi Breezers? I fully support profiling folks by the way that they drink.

bittergaymark bittergaymark August 17, 2012, 6:56 pm

I am now officially ready to sign off on intelligence testing and mandatory sterilization. No, seriously, I am sincerely all for that. Look, the world has more than enough people already — not to mention fucking idiots. Time to put a cap on that. If the stupid have to suffer, so be it.

avatar SpaceySteph August 17, 2012, 11:40 am

I would like to paraphrase each question, in short form:

LW 1: I don’t know how sex works. Also my bf has a crazy baby mama. Should we stay together?
(Answer: No)
LW 2: I don’t know how cheating works. Is my boyfriend a cheating scumbag?
(Answer: Yes)
LW3: Here are a bunch of reasons my immature boyfriend will make a terrible father to my unborn child. Maybe if I raise him to be a good man he’ll stop annoying me?
(Answer: Wait, what?)

landygirl landygirl August 17, 2012, 12:00 pm

I may never look at turkey the same way again. Dammit.

avatar SweetPeaG August 17, 2012, 12:28 pm

Okay… anyone else now getting ads for SPERM BANKS after reading this today? And birth control. But, the sperm bank ad is way funnier… “Boston’s #1 Sperm Bank!” with a picture of a baseball bat. I don’t really get it.

The internets are scary.

iwannatalktosampson Iwannatalktosampson August 17, 2012, 12:30 pm

Wow I don’t think in the entire history of DW have all the commenters agreed that every single LW is an absolute idiot. This is amazing. It warms my little heart. Happy Friday Everyone!

(No one come mess it up and stand up for any of them. The tribe has spoken.)

Budj Budj August 17, 2012, 2:06 pm

Sad friday for the lurkers who wrote in though :(

Caris Caris August 17, 2012, 2:07 pm

Reading this letters made my head hurt.

avatar Rouge August 17, 2012, 3:04 pm

LW 1: ‘Now he says he wants distance from me’ come on isn’t that answer enough? to much drama MOA
LW 2: WWS. To much drama MOA
LW3: Raising one kid is hard enough, add the father on the list and you will have two.
All the humanity!

avatar temperance August 17, 2012, 4:31 pm

LW1: Oh honey.
LW2: Sweetie, that’s not a hobby.
LW3: You are pregnant by a fucking loser. You are either going to be a single mom, or be stuck dealing with 2 children. The choice is up to you, etc. etc., but please make a good choice.

avatar bandit August 18, 2012, 7:10 pm

The father is my boyfriend of about six months, whom I love and care very much for.

After reading the letter it’s apparent this person doesn’t understand what those words mean.

avatar Virginian August 18, 2012, 7:30 pm

I am 28 years old and my girlfriend is three months pregnant. We’ve been together about six months, I love and care very much for her. I have no doubt that she wants to be a mother and will be a good one. However, she wants to be around me 24/7. She has no job and still lives at home with her parents. She is 25. She has many good attributes, but I am getting so angry with her lately over her immaturity and inabity to grow the heck up. I pay my bills and some of hers, and I’m sick of it. I work my butt off while she sits at home. We do not live together either. All she wants to do is be with me day and night, and that irritates me because we all need a little space, right? But what do I do? Wait it out and see if she grows up? I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. I feel like I have a child already. I need advice on what I need to do! — Worried Father to be.

__________________

Ya’ll still have a problem with this picture?

katie katie August 19, 2012, 9:52 am

i would! that is not a healthy relationship.

now, with a pregnant lady there are health things to consider that might lead to bedrest and *that* would be the reason she is at home/not working. but that doesnt happen at 3 months that i know of.

so yea, still an issue.

avatar Reversal August 18, 2012, 7:33 pm

For #3. Keep the child is always the best choice. This sounds like a potential role reversal. And yes, a man can be an excellent father without a “job,” just as a woman can be an excellent mother without a “job” if that job is homemaker while the other is the breadwinner. While the two-parent income is almost required in today’s material society…it’s not absolute. If this guy has “great attributes” perhaps homemaker is one of them. Plenty of girls didn’t leave their parents until marriage… Maybe you didn’t envision your life as the “breadwinner,” but then many guys never envisioned the way their lives turned out either.

avatar iball August 19, 2012, 1:03 am

Predicting no responses that really disagree with you, and just a few likes.

This doesn’t make the right happy, though it basically follows their desires outside of gender roles, and the large left majority won’t want to accept the implicit biases they put into most of the posts about it, that said that the unemployed guy with no projects should be cut out and/or pay child support, despite the fact that, unless this guy is really ridiculously lazy, everyone’s better off if he spends most of his time doing full daycare of the kid, unless he has a lot of hidden income potential.

avatar Tzvifl August 28, 2012, 8:55 pm

Hold on. There is an assumption among most commentators here regarding LW1 that the alleged Turkey baster thing must have occurred while the LW and her boyfriend were together. But they have only been together a month. The boyfriend admits he had sex with the the pregnant ex before getting together with the current LW, but says he used condoms. Therefore, the Turkey baster scenario (presumably the semen would have come from a used condom for those wondered about this.). Or maybe a condom simply leaked, which had been known to happen.

Furthermore, the timeline – LW and Boyfriend together a month, ex knows she is definitely pregnant – suggests strongly that the impregnation, however it happened, occurred before the LW and the boyfriend got together. And the LW does not say the boyfriend is the source of the Turkey baster story, merely that it was a rumour she heard. Yet Wendy assumes the boyfriend is lying.

The point is it seems likely this boyfriend did absolutely nothing wrong. There is no real reason to believe he cheated, or lied, though he certainly does come with some baggage. I think Wendy was too quick to cry MOA, and most commentators were too quick to assume that the guy had either cheated or lied. There is no sign of untoward in the behaviour of the boyfriend – but the LW will simply need to decide if she can or wants to live with his baggage.

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