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“My Boyfriend Has a Wife and Four Kids”

Nearly a year ago, I met a guy, and instantly fell for him. I was in a relationship at the time that I was relatively serious about, and in turn pushed the thoughts of him out of my mind. He was married at the time, with three step-children, and one biological child. Fast forward over six months. My relationship had ended. His marriage fell apart after several years of turmoil (his wife had a boyfriend of two years, he stayed to care for the children). We crossed paths, and began seeing each other. His ex, whom I’ve never met, is a very vindictive, jealous person and told their children (all of whom he has maintained a very close, functioning relationship with) that I destroyed their family.

Now, I’m not the biggest fan of kids, but this guy is so worth taking on whatever comes my way. In four months together, I never met his children (he says they’re not ready), and was always comfortable with the fact that they took priority over me. If they needed anything, if they wanted to spend an extra night with their dad, our plans were postponed. While it did sometimes frustrate me, I always accepted it with a smile because he was doing the right thing.

Nearly two weeks ago, he disappeared, which is very unlike him. Nine days later, I went looking for him, because I had no idea what was going on; I didn’t even know if he was OK. I was greeted by a very long hug, and tears, explaining to me that his high school-aged step-daughter had tried to commit suicide, her reason being that he didn’t care about them because he was with me. This obviously crushed him, he spent days in the hospital with her, and then she stayed with his (retired) parents while they (he and his parents) tended to her.

He says he loves me more than anything, and wants to be with me, but doesn’t know how to juggle everything. He says he worries that restricting time with me is unfair, and I shouldn’t have to deal with it. He justified his disappearing act by saying he was too afraid and too hurt to tell me he couldn’t see me anymore, which is very unlike his usual ‘taking care of business’ attitude. We spent that night together — we talked, cried, laughed. Now, a couple days later, he’s in and out. Always very sweet with me, but I can tell he’s hurting so much, and is so over burdened.

What I want more than anything is to help him feel better. It’s so hard when someone you love is hurting and you can’t help. While I’d love to see him more, I’m more than willing to take a back seat to this crisis for now. It’s not every day, or even every lifetime that we meet our perfect match. However, when he disappears, I feel frustrated. I want to know how to help, and how to do the right thing, without being overbearing, and without putting too much pressure on him. — Off Kilter


Your boyfriend is a big liar. He says he loves you “more than anything”? Bullshit. He doesn’t love you more than he loves his kids (nor should he!), or he wouldn’t have disappeared when his step-daughter attempted suicide (if we can even believe that’s what happened). He wouldn’t have decided he couldn’t see you anymore because he can’t juggle you and his family, and he sure as shit would have at least had the decency to tell you to your face instead of just disappearing with no word whatsoever. So, we know he’s lying when he tells you he “loves you more than anything,” and if he’s lying about that, what else is he lying about?

For one thing, I wouldn’t be surprised if your relationship with him did break up his family. I wouldn’t be shocked if he lied about his wife’s affair to justify sleeping with you (or to convince you to sleep with him). He could very well have lied about his wife being “very vindictive and jealous.” You never met her, after all, so you have only his description to go by. And so what if she is vindictive and jealous? You’re sleeping with her husband and father of her children — she has a right to feel vindictive and jealous!

And even if he is telling the truth about them being broken up before you started seeing him, this whole thing still sounds like way more drama than it’s worth. A step-child who’s attempted suicide? Three other children to take care of (and you don’t even like kids!)? Step-grandparents who are now involved? And a vindictive, jealous wife to boot? Oh, darlin’, just be glad you only wasted four months on this affair, and MOA. No good can come from sticking around. The guy’s already made it clear he doesn’t want you. He made that decision when he disappeared without a word. He had a choice between you and his family and he chose his family. You want to help him now? You want to make him feel less burdened? Then MOA before you cause any more grief and drama in his life. You may very well have a “perfect match” out there somewhere, but I assure you it isn’t a married man with four kids.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

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Comments on this entry are closed.

avatar XanderTaylor May 23, 2011, 3:07 pm

Amen, Wendy! MOA

avatar PFG-SCR May 23, 2011, 3:09 pm

“His ex, whom I’ve never met, is a very vindictive, jealous person and told their children (all of whom he has maintained a very close, functioning relationship with) that I destroyed their family.”

She’s not his ex, she’s his wife still.

My gut says that he’s a liar too, but it’s more that I think he’s lying to you about the state of his marriage in order to get you to think he’s “almost” available. Personally, I wouldn’t believe anything he says to you, and his behavior only indicates that he’s only telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

Cut off all contact with him – MOA and don’t waste anymore time on this guy.

avatar callmehobo May 23, 2011, 3:50 pm

Yeah my first thought was, “This dude is totally still married.”

avatar Maracuya May 23, 2011, 4:47 pm

Yeah, same. Disappearing act for a week = his wife found out.

avatar Britannia May 23, 2011, 4:56 pm

I agree. If it had been him taking care of his daughter who tried to commit suicide, it may have been the last thing on his mind to shoot LW a text, but he would have been able to find the 10 seconds to do so once the initial hurricane of drama subsided — he would have had plenty of time while in the hospital waiting room to send a text, at least. NOT having access to his phone tells me that someone (his wife) was watching his every move.

avatar Spark May 23, 2011, 6:26 pm

Yeah–and if he truly cared about her, I’m sure he would have wanted her support in such a horrible time. Even if it was just to hear that she was thinking of him and his step-daughter.

avatar HM May 23, 2011, 8:18 pm

100% agree with this. I’m not going to point and yell liar (yet) but there is definitely an oddity with him not reaching out from support from LW.

LW, I know you think he’s great, but that’s because you’re in the “honeymoon” stage of the relationship. Which is shocking really since it has obviously been a very stressful and complicated first few months. No one is perfect, even the right guy.

I have a friend who ended up married to a guy with a couple kids and a messy divorce. She absolutely DID NOT cause the divorce, but she was with him during the rough times associated with it. She tells me now that she wishes she had stood back and let him take care of his life himself first. That is not YOUR fight and it is not your responsibility to take care of him or blindly support him. He made decisions to get himself there and he should be able to take care of himself. You don’t want to be the only support in his life.

Also, if he is lying, it would still be best to take a step away and see how things pan out. Don’t be willfully blind and waste your time ignoring the red flags.

avatar cmarie May 23, 2011, 3:10 pm

Agreed. This guy sounds shady and even if he isn’t this isn’t the type of relationship you want to be in. MOA

avatar kerrycontrary May 23, 2011, 3:13 pm

Even IF the guy is telling the truth the situation is too crazy to stay in. Get out for your own sanity! Plus, this guy is making it clear that he doesn’t have enough time to spend with you. That’s enough of a reason to MOA.

avatar Britannia May 23, 2011, 4:58 pm

If he IS telling the truth, it would be in both of their best interests (the guy AND LW) to cut ties. He doesn’t need to the added stress of a girlfriend on top of family matters, and she doesn’t need the added stress of crazy ass family drama.

avatar ReginaRey May 23, 2011, 3:14 pm

I’m completely with Wendy on this – this man is in NO PLACE to be in a relationship right now. After any relationship dissolves, no matter whose fault it was, people need a lot of time to process it, get over it, and become healthy again. I would say that after a marriage ends, the time needed to do that is considerably more.

Just as everyone needs time to deal with a marriage ending (and the inevitable fallout involved), everyone also deserves to START a relationship on a healthy footing. In life, even two people who start off on a completely healthy footing don’t have a great chance of working out. What do you think the chances are of someone currently in a VERY tumultuous period of their life starting a healthy relationship? And his situation is about as tumultuous and unhealthy as you can get – a member of his family trying to commit suicide??

Wendy always advises LWs to believe someone when they tell you who they are. I would say that this is just as accurate when someone is SHOWING you who they are. This man is telling you one thing – he loves you, he wants to be with you, and showing you something completely different – disappearing, having extreme problems with his ex-wife and family. If you are meant to be with this person, the best thing you can do is to leave him alone. Perhaps after he has worked through his family issues, which SHOULD be his number one priority, and processed his divorce, THEN you two could give a relationship a try. But trying to have one now is asking for even more trouble than he already has…and that is a scary notion!

avatar PFG-SCR May 23, 2011, 3:24 pm

Am I missing something – he’s not divorced, is he? Are they even separated – physically or legally?

Everything that he’s done seems to indicate that he’s holding her at a distance using his family as various excuses. I think the reason being is that his marriage and family life aren’t what he claims them to be, and what he’s found in her is someone who is willing to be “patient and understanding” with everything.

It’s too bad for her because she clearly cares about him, and I’m not saying that he doesn’t care about her on some level. But, there are too many things about this that just aren’t right.

avatar ReginaRey May 23, 2011, 3:30 pm

Well it says that “his marriage fell apart” so I am assuming that he is either legally separated or in the process of getting a divorce. Though if he is doing neither of those things, this situation is worse than I even imagined.

avatar SpaceySteph May 23, 2011, 4:26 pm

Seriously. LW if you are in any way contemplating not doing what we are all suggesting (which is to run, don’t walk, away from this guy) then at least PLEASE look for independent proof of his divorce. A little internet sleuthing should get you a court record of the proceedings.

avatar Anne (I Go To 11) May 24, 2011, 10:31 am

When I caught my ex cheating on me, I asked him if she knew he was married. He told me, “She knows I’m going through a divorce.” Which was interesting, because NOTHING had been filed at that point. He just WANTED a divorce, which despite his twisted logic does NOT mean the same thing as actually going through a divorce. Manipulators will say whatever they want to get what they want.

LW, get out NOW. NOW NOW NOW.

avatar RoyalEagle0408 May 23, 2011, 7:41 pm

She referenced the kids wanting to stay an extra night with their dad, implying he has his own place.

leilani leilani May 23, 2011, 3:16 pm

Well he’s being honest or not, this guy is clearly not in any place to be having a relationship. He’s even told you that. If I were you, I would hightail it out of this guy’s life. If your connection is really that amazing and important to him, he’ll find you when he’s ready.

leilani leilani May 23, 2011, 3:52 pm

Whether*

avatar sarolabelle May 23, 2011, 3:20 pm

Oh yikes – what is up with everything being italized? I’m not liking it…

btw LW – MOA.

avatar SGMcG May 23, 2011, 3:24 pm

I’m guessing the italization is to further emphasize the point that what this woman is going through for the sake of “lo-ove” is complete bullshit. There is sacrificing things in the name of love and being walked all over like a doormat in the name of love. LW – take the back seat in this guy’s life and let him pilot his way out of the personal storm he created. You need to do the same for your own life.

Dear Wendy Wendy May 23, 2011, 3:25 pm

It was just a simple coding mistake…

avatar Amber May 23, 2011, 3:40 pm

Even if the bf is telling the LW the truth and the wife had an affair and the marriage is over this guy is obviously not ready for a relationship. That’s assuming he’s telling the truth, if you were really in a relationship wouldn’t he have called, let you know that one of his children was in the hospital and he was going to be MIA for awhile. I realize that dealing with that would take a lot of emotional energy and time, but he couldn’t spare 5 minutes to make a phone call? While there might be shades of truth to what he told you about his marriage and family, I doubt it’s the full truth. Attempting to stay in this relationship will only cause you heartache. TIme to MOA.

avatar Guy Friday May 23, 2011, 3:41 pm

Wow. Hold on now. I’m not saying I don’t agree with the end decision (that this guy may not be in the right place to be in a relationship with you right now), but saying that the guy’s a liar is, in my opinion, over the top. We have no evidence that he’s making up the suicide thing. And, honestly, I’d like to think that I’m a loving guy who tries his hardest to make his SO feel loved and appreciated — and I admit that I don’t have kids right now — but if my daughter tried to commit suicide, my focus would be 100% on her. I’d take as many sick days from work as I could, and I’d spend every free moment I had to make sure she was stable, and, frankly, I’d probably be a little terrified to walk away for even a minute for fear that she’d try it again. And I’d be ripped apart inside, replaying every second of my interactions with her and making every deal I could with every deity I could think of to keep it from happening again, praying that I wasn’t even a little to blame for that. Because if I was, I don’t know how I’d be able to forgive myself for doing that to my own flesh and blood. And any father who says he would do otherwise is either lying or should have DCFS coming down to check on them.

If you want to argue that she shouldn’t wait around for him, then I’d say you make a fair point. But we’ve had any number of letters come in from people talking about SOs who’ve had family members die or go through serious traumas, and the advice has always seemed to be that the LW in question should be patient, give the SO space and support when needed, and — if the LW can’t wait any longer, or doesn’t feel like he/she’s strong enough to keep waiting — that he/she should be honest with the SO and allow themselves to feel no guilt for needing to walk away. And I support that advice 100%, and I think it absolutely applies here. But to rip this guy a new one in a 4 month relationship because the LW hadn’t met his kids and he dropped everything to care for his suicide-attempting daughter, and then apologized and acted like someone who had been through a major trauma . . . sure, he could be lying, but he could well be telling the truth, and certainly his tunnel vision if this is the truth is arguably forgivable. And I understand that this is just your opinion, and I’m not trying to begrudge you it, Wendy, but I just think that jumping to “he’s a liar” is unfair.

avatar Amber May 23, 2011, 3:49 pm

I think the issue I have with believing this guy is the reason he gave for not calling was not that he was so busy taking care of his daughter he couldn’t get away but that he was afraid to tell her that he couldn’t see her anymore, when in every other instance that the children needed attention he was upfront. It makes me wonder if she hadn’t gone over there if had would have ever contacter her again. And there’s the fact that he is still married. I think in general this relationship has a ‘shady’ feel to it, which makes people infer that this guy isn’t telling the whole truth.

TaraMonster TaraMonster May 23, 2011, 4:10 pm

Exactly. And, as I pointed out below, he told the LW that his step-daughter tried to kill herself because he had abandoned them for the LW. That’s just all sorts of manipulative. Even if that’s true and the guy is actually separated, why on Earth would he tell that to the LW? It reeks of manipulation. Sorry, this guy sounds like a huge liar to me.

Jess Jess of CityGirlsWorld.com May 23, 2011, 5:36 pm

Right! I’m not saying Wendy’s 6ths sense is off. I had the same suspicions. BUT, the LW doesn’t imply uncertainty. There may be mutual friends or other factors that have entirely verified his story. Maybe not but we can’t assume. Hopefully LW jumps in with some clarification.

avatar honeybeenicki May 23, 2011, 3:41 pm

I definitely agree with other commenters that this is a) shady and b) not the time to be starting a new relationship for the LW’s “boyfriend.”

I have to wonder if LW knows for sure where he is living. Has he moved out? Is he separated? Are divorce papers being started or processed? And anything he knows about his wife is completely hearsay and definitely could be just a justification for him to sleep with her while he’s still married.

LW, for your own sanity and his you need to MOA. He needs to be able to move on from his marriage (if that is, in fact, what he is going to do) and then heal before moving directly into another relationship. He also needs to sort out anything that needs to be sorted out, especially since 3 of those kids are not biologically his and it doesn’t seem like he has legally adopted them. The whole thing WILL be a mess. You need to step back and let him do his thing.

In the event that you stay with him or even if you break it off but later get back together, you need to know what a huge commitment his children will be for YOU. My husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage and I love them as much as I could ever love my own children, but it is not without its challenges.

I got lucky that my husband’s ex and her new husband are on the same page as we are and we have ground rules (no badmouthing the other parent/step-parent in front of or anywhere near the kids, same basic rules at both houses, co-parenting in decision making, etc). You might not get that lucky (especially if it is true that she is vindictive and jealous). You will have to deal with “I don’t have to listen to you because you’re not my mom” and all kinds of button-pushing. Kids will always push buttons and test limits to see how far they can get, especially with new people and even more so with new step-parents. And if you don’t actually like kids but you tolerate his kids (well, the idea of his kids since you haven’t met them), you have no business being involved in their life. You need to do more than tolerate them, especially if you intend to be with this man for an extended period of time. While you won’t have the same responsibilities as a parent, you will be involved in their life and I know what its like to have a step-parent who merely tolerated me (and sometimes not even that). It’s miserable. Fucking miserable. So PLEASE, if you intend to just “tolerate” them, leave now and never look back. Those kids deserve better than someone who loves their dad but just tolerates them.

avatar Quakergirl May 23, 2011, 3:55 pm

Just wanted to say I wish I could give you more thumbs up for this.

avatar cdobbs May 23, 2011, 3:42 pm

this guy is totally full of crap! LW run as fast as you can! this guy is not worth another second of your time!

avatar MAC2011 May 23, 2011, 3:43 pm

LW run from this man. As if relationships aren’t complicated enough throw a wife and 4 kids in the mix. Even though this man seems like a perfect partner, he’s not. A perfect partner would make room for you in his life, all parts of it. He would turn to you with something as terrible as his child trying to commit suicide. Being partners means just that, you take part in one another lives, the good and the bad. You deserve to have someone completely not sometimes. Good luck!

avatar va-in-ny May 23, 2011, 3:47 pm

This stressed me out.

avatar silver_dragon_girl May 23, 2011, 3:49 pm

It does not take 9 days to call your SO and say, “I need some time to deal with some family stuff right now, so if you don’t hear from me for a while don’t worry. I’ll call you when I can.”

avatar TheGirl May 23, 2011, 4:31 pm

Seriously! If you can’t get away to call you can certainly text. Not that it should be THAT hard to get away for a few minutes and call…

avatar SpaceySteph May 23, 2011, 4:51 pm

EXACTLY. I’m sure they found time to use the bathroom- you can text from the toilet! But also I’m sure they found time to call grandma and grandpa to tell them what happened, and to call the girl’s biological father, maybe even some aunts/uncles. If he really loved you, he would have found some time in 9 days to call or text or email or smoke signal you, too. He didn’t. That’s your answer.

avatar Hana May 23, 2011, 7:11 pm

I would think that if he was really serious and loved you he would want you to support him through such a difficult time, whether it be a few rushed phone calls or actually helping in person. He definitely should have contacted you at some point about his step daughter. I know I would have been at the very least texting my boyfriend from the hospital or before I left to go there and he would have definitely been calling me just because we support each other.

avatar summerkitten May 23, 2011, 8:34 pm

THIS. I’m dealing with a long-distance (plus two young kids on his end) and yes, any reasonable woman (as the LW seems to be) would understand a quick text to say “family emergency, i’m sorry if i’m awol for a bit but i still love you.” anything less is inexcusable and I’d be suspicious too.

avatar Quakergirl May 23, 2011, 3:51 pm

Wow. No matter what the actual situation is (he’s divorced/separated/still married) this is not a good situation. In the absolute best case scenario, he’s a recently divorced loving father with four minor children, at least one of whom is suicidal, who depend on him completely for love and support and absolutely hate you because of their vindictive, jealous mother, leaving no room for you in his life. Read that out loud, LW, and tell me if that sounds like an insane thing to walk into. If it doesn’t, I don’t know what else to say to you to get the point across.

If he’s telling the truth, and you genuinely want to do the best thing for him because you love him, walk away. The best thing for him is to give him the time and mental energy to look after his children, get his life back together, and try to process the end of his marriage. If he’s lying, well, then screw him and do what’s best for you– walk away! In either case, this is not a relationship you should be in. Seriously.

avatar silver_dragon_girl May 23, 2011, 4:10 pm

I love this. I think this might be the best advice so far from the comments. You’re right, even if the best-case scenario is true, this still isn’t a situation she should be in…

TaraMonster TaraMonster May 23, 2011, 3:52 pm

“his high school-aged step-daughter had tried to commit suicide, her reason being that he didn’t care about them because he was with me”

His step-daughter felt her single step father left their family for YOU so she tried to kill herself? What? Why would he tell you that if not to break up with you? He sounds like a huuge douchebag who can’t take responsibility for his own actions- so much so that he’s outwardly blaming YOU for his step-daughter’s attempted suicide. He’s either made that line up to ditch you or he’s made that line up and believes it. Both of those explanations means he refuses to take responsibility for hurting his family (and you). Even if his step-daughter specifically pointed the finger at you (doubtful), he should be man enough to realize that’s her way of feeling betrayed by HIM. You didn’t force him to cheat on his wife with you because I’m with Wendy, it doesn’t sound like they ever actually split.

This guy is manipulative and irresponsible. What concerns me most is that he’s convinced you he’s a victim. Honey, that’s what pathologically manipulative people do- they trick other people into believing their BS to get what they want. And this guy doesn’t care who gets hurt in the process. It’s hard when you’re mired in a situation to see the forest for the trees, but you need to cut off contact because manipulators are extremely difficult to get away from- they’re like quicksand and will only pull you down. Cut him off, and don’t half ass it. No texts, no calls, no emails, no FB. RUN!

avatar spaceboy761 May 23, 2011, 4:39 pm

Let’s assume for a second that this guy is telling the truth… WHY THE FUCK would you ever say that first quote to anyone you presumably love? That is about the most cold-blooded thing you ever say to anyone.

“Oh, hello. A young girl just tried to kill herself rather than have you as a part of her live. But it’s cool.”

At that point, I would almost hope that the guy is lying because that would at least leave him as a garden-variety womanizing asshole. Having him say that and actually mean it is ridiculously worse.

avatar Hana May 23, 2011, 7:25 pm

The way it was written I don’t think it was meant to come off that way. It was still terrible thing to say, but I think it was meant more to make her feel guilty for taking up so much of his precious time. Like, because I’ve been with you so much I have ignored my family. Not that the girl doesn’t want her in her life. I strongly doubt a daughter would try to kill herself because her father was dating a women if he were truly single.

avatar Sarah May 23, 2011, 3:55 pm

I feel like there are so many holes in this story from all parties. When the LW ‘instantly fell’ for this man, was there an affair, however brief? Because it doesn’t make sense for even the craziest of exes to blame the gf if the marriage is already broken up and she has a boyfriend. The math doesn’t add up. What does “the marriage fell apart” mean? Sounds super vague as to what his relationship status is. And what kind of guy stays in a marriage when the woman has a boyfriend? Did he really sit and home tucking his children in while he waited for his wife to get home from a hotel? I don’t believe this. And why would his wife blame him for breaking up to the kids when she knows he could bring up her boyfriend? And why would a step daughter try to commit suicide because her dad has a girlfriend post breakup, especially when he was “supposedly” the one there to care for his children while their mother whored it up with her lover and he drops every plan to be with them? And how would she even know when he sees LW unless he still lives with her at home, with his wife? Nothing makes sense. I get the feeling all these situations are the convoluted stories of a man who wants everyone to think he’s the victim.

This guy is your only portal to this situation, and a person only purposely sets themselves up this way if they’ve got something to hide. My guess is, he cheated with you (one of many I would guess from his level of BS) and he wants to dump you. Think about it, he disappears and then tells you that you’re to blame for his step daughter’s suicide. Who would say that to the woman he loves, even if it was true? He wants you to be shamed enough so you’ll leave on your own, and he doesn’t have to do it. Cheaters are notoriously afraid of confrontation.

Also, he has already tried to dump you. “restricting time with me is unfair” and “I shouldn’t have to deal with it” and “he was too afraid and too hurt to tell me he couldn’t see me anymore” is fancy talk for I want to dump you but not be the bad guy. That is guy code 101. The night you guys talked and cried and laughed you convinced him without knowing it that you’re willing to believe his excuses. NO GUY that loves you disappears on you for two weeks without a ransom call from the Iranian border. He’s a loser and a liar. MOA. Also, stay away from men who claim that a divorce was all his wife’s fault because she’s cray cray and all he did was care too much. Fast forward and you’re the next “vindictive jealous ex-wife”.

avatar silver_dragon_girl May 23, 2011, 4:04 pm

I don’t think the Iranians would want to deal with this guy long enough to collect a random…

avatar silver_dragon_girl May 23, 2011, 4:07 pm

*ransom. Sheesh.

avatar HmC May 23, 2011, 4:23 pm

“Also, he has already tried to dump you. “restricting time with me is unfair” and “I shouldn’t have to deal with it” and “he was too afraid and too hurt to tell me he couldn’t see me anymore” is fancy talk for I want to dump you but not be the bad guy. That is guy code 101. ”

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSS

avatar Laurel May 23, 2011, 4:48 pm

Comment of the week, the whole thing!

avatar Amy May 23, 2011, 4:55 pm

I vote these for comment of the week!

NO GUY that loves you disappears on you for two weeks without a ransom call from the Iranian border.

Also, stay away from men who claim that a divorce was all his wife’s fault because she’s cray cray and all he did was care too much. Fast forward and you’re the next “vindictive jealous ex-wife”.

TaraMonster TaraMonster May 23, 2011, 5:17 pm

This is exactly why I agreed with Sarah’s comment. It reminded me of a letter from last week where a guy used the excuse that he’d been hurt by women in the past to justify testing her about whether or not she’d slept with anyone other than him recently. People like this can’t take responsibility, so they paint themselves the victim rather than owning up to their actions. This guy is manipulating the LW to get what he wants, which is probably sex and sympathy, I don’t know. LW, what you see is what you get!

avatar Britannia May 23, 2011, 5:03 pm

You said it PERFECTLY.

Budj Budjer May 24, 2011, 9:35 am

I can’t comment other than to say good call…you said it already.

avatar spanishdoll May 23, 2011, 3:56 pm

LW, I can’t see any positives for you in this situation! You deserve a complete, fulfilling relationship with someone who can actually give his love and attention to you without guilt trips or half-truths.

leilani leilani May 23, 2011, 3:56 pm

The more I read this, the fishier the situation sounds with his family. You say he maintained a close, functional relationship with his kids, but his daughter tried to commit suicide because you had stolen him away? That seems a little off.

avatar HmC May 23, 2011, 3:59 pm

“For one thing, I wouldn’t be surprised if your relationship with him did break up his family. ”

I had this exact same thought, but worried I was being too presumptuous. So I’m glad Wendy said it first, because I agree. Even if the wife is a “vindictive” person, that’s pretty extreme for her to have completely fabricated a story about LW breaking up her marriage when the wife was supposedly cheating. Something just struck me as false about this part of the letter. My gut is telling me that LW was at least partially responsible for ending this marriage, whether knowingly or unknowingly.

LW- get out now. This guy is not worth taking on whatever comes your way, as you put it. He’s already proven to not be worth what has come your way.