Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Boyfriend Has Naked Pictures of His Best Friend’s Wife!”

My boyfriend recently let me borrow his iPad, I snooped, and found forty-seven pictures he took a year ago (before we started dating) of his best friend’s wife. In the pictures she was passed out naked and drunk next to his best friend.They don’t know he took the pictures. I also found a video he took of her secretly while she was getting out of the shower. He used to live with them for three years, and there is an obvious attraction between them that I noticed initially when he introduced me to the group. I tried to ignore it since I can understand that a friendship develops when you live with someone for three years, and that it’s normal to be attracted to other people. However, since I found these pictures, I don’t know how to react. It makes me question his values and what he thinks is acceptable, since he found it ok to take pictures of a woman passed out drunk.

I confronted him about the pictures, and he said “he didn’t know why” he took them. He disclosed that a year before his best friend and she got married, she drunkenly told him that it should’ve been him that she was with and not his friend. To my knowledge nothing has physically happened, but he admits that he moved out because they were getting married and it was “becoming more difficult to be around her and he would think about her a lot.” The attraction between them remains awkward, especially when I’m around because of how he looks at her.

I reached out to the girl initially when I was introduced to his group of friends, and I tried to establish a friendship with her as well, but she declined all invitations to hang out, and several months later the situation combusted in a night where I overheard her gossip about me to her friends and I went home crying. I suspect she doesn’t like me because she’s used to having my boyfriend give her all of his attention. I’m the first serious girlfriend he’s had in six years, and now since I found the pictures, it’s more uncomfortable to be around that group of people.

How would you handle this? — Lost and Found

I would MOA faster than you can say MOA.

I’ve been with my boyfriend, “Jim” for about two years; we are both 24-year-old college students. I’ve been on birth control since I was 21, and several months ago it failed me. I had asked Jim on the day I was late to check with me, but instead he wanted to have sex. I ended up checking alone through doctors the day after, my pregnancy was confirmed, and I told him immediately. We scheduled an appointment at Planned Parenthood because we mutually agreed we weren’t ready because of school and neither of us being financially independent. During the two weeks waiting for the abortion, Jim rarely talked to me, he blocked my number for a few days, and he made insensitive jokes and comments about my being pregnant and planning an abortion.

The day of my surgical abortion, I wasn’t aware I couldn’t eat beforehand and so did so, after which I was told I had to wait for a few more hours, which made my boyfriend really angry at me. After the abortion, I had a hard time walking properly due to the anesthesia, and the first thing my boyfriend did was yell at me for having him wait for so long (he was afraid if getting scolded by his mother for staying out for too long). Angry, I got out of the car and took a bus home. When I felt better after a few days, I called to end it with him. He explained that he was under stress and I should have considered his feelings, and he didn’t feel like he should apologize for being an asshole. What should I do? — Troubled Over Boyfriend’s Behavior

 
MOA.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

24 comments… add one
  • juliecatharine

    Juliecatharine April 27, 2017, 8:17 am

    Wow ladies you scraped the bottom of the barrel with these two. Bullets dodged.

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  • Cleopatra Jones

    Cleopatra Jones April 27, 2017, 8:54 am

    LW #1 & 2,
    Follow your instincts and end your relationship. There’s nothing for either of you in those relationships.

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  • avatar

    Essie April 27, 2017, 8:57 am

    LW1: Even without the history between the two of them, even without the taking pictures without her consent, just the fact that he keeps naked pictures of his friend’s wife on his iPad would be quite enough for me to end it. Ewwwww, that’s creepy and disgusting.

    The fact that he took those pics without her knowledge or consent raises it to a whole other level though. That’s unforgivable, possibly illegal, and after I broke up with him, I’d be tempted to contact her just to let her know that those pictures exist.

    LW2: If there’s one baseline requirement for a boyfriend, it’s that he stands by you when you’re sick. You’d just had a surgical procedure, and he yells at you for taking so long to come out of the anesthetic? He yells at you for not being able to eat before the procedure? And then he has the gall to say that HE was stressed, and you should be considerate of HIS feelings?

    You did exactly the right thing by breaking up with him. His excuses are even more damning than his behavior.

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  • avatar

    findingtheearth April 27, 2017, 9:33 am

    LWS: Wendy is completely on point with both of these.

    LW1: Your boyfriend is a creepo. You need to let her know those exist and dump him.

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  • juliecatharine

    Juliecatharine April 27, 2017, 9:43 am

    LW1 should definitely let that woman know those pictures exist. She should probably clue in her husband as well so he has an idea of how creepy and straight up criminal his ‘best friend’ is.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark April 27, 2017, 9:50 am

    LW1 is just gross. Such a violation. I’d get your soon to be exes device again and email the pics to the parties involved from Your boyfriend’s accounts.
    .
    LW2. Yeah. MOA and be grateful you made the RIGHT decision.

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  • avatar

    Telegrammar April 27, 2017, 9:57 am

    LW 1: Seriously?!?! “[He] doesn’t know why he took them” HUH? He took them because he’s a perv who doesn’t understand boundaries. The same goes for the wife’s best friend. IMO, they deserve each other. I mean, who says to her then fiancé’s/husband’s best friend that “it should have been him”!? Stay far far away from these people.

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    • avatar

      D April 27, 2017, 3:58 pm

      47 pics and a video, and ‘I don’t know why’ is the best he could do.

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      • avatar

        Scarlet A April 30, 2017, 11:39 pm

        In my experience, “I don’t know why” always means “I don’t even feel like I have to justify this somehow.”

        This guy doesn’t even think he did anything wrong, OP. RUN AWAY!!

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  • avatar

    TheRascal April 27, 2017, 10:03 am

    LW 1 and LW2: Your bfs are both bad, bad people. WWS.

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  • avatar

    Telegrammar April 27, 2017, 10:04 am

    LW: My goodness, please don’t do anything other than Move ON Already as Wendy said. He’s a 24-year-old a$$hat who worries about his mother’s scolding. I mean, please.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo April 27, 2017, 10:05 am

    Do you really need Wendy’s or our advice? really? Here it is then:

    LW1: Don’t be in a relationship with a rapey douchebag.

    LW2: You already dumped him. So you’re good. Don’t be in a relationship with a douchebag. Side point: a guy who is afraid his mommy might be mad at him is not ready for a sexual relationship. Or junior high.

    At least neither of you claimed fantastic chemistry, soulmate status or “our relationship is absolutely perfect, except for when he’s a rapey douchebag.”

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    • avatar

      Stillrunning April 27, 2017, 7:13 pm

      Or said, “He’s amazing,”

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  • redessa

    redessa April 27, 2017, 10:08 am

    “I don’t know,” is an acceptable response to asking a 3 yr old why they colored on the wall. It is not an acceptable answer as to why a grown man took nude photos of his best friend’s wife without her knowledge.

    Whether he wants to admit it or not, the answer is he did it because he could get away with it and didn’t bother to consider or care what a huge violation such an act was to both the woman and his supposed friend – not to mention criminal. The real question now is why you would want to be with someone of so little character?

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    • avatar

      Ron April 27, 2017, 12:12 pm

      Redessa —
      Really, “why did you do that?” is almost a rhetorical question. There is no good or acceptable answer. It was a totally unacceptable thing to do, there is no possible valid justification, and it is just time to MOA. One should not expect the guy to say “I’m a pervert, but I’ll never do it again.” We know, if give the chance, he’d do it again and there is just zero point in exploring motivations when it is 100% clear that this is an automatic MOA, report the situation, and make sure the phone is in appropriate hands where the images can be destroyed, if not needed as legal evidence.

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      • redessa

        redessa April 27, 2017, 7:29 pm

        Of course there’s no good answer to the question, but given where the LW is coming from, I thought it needed to be said. Even so, it would have been nice if he’d shown even a teensy bit of insight as to what he was he was thinking at the time and how he’s since realized how abhorent his actions were.

        Then again, if he’d come to any sort of realization like that, the pictures would have already been deleted before she could have found them.

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  • avatar

    Janelle April 27, 2017, 11:48 am

    LW1: This is a huge invasion of privacy. If I found out someone living in my home did this I’d be at the police station figuring out if this was legal, probably not, and having him arrested.

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  • avatar

    Miss MJ April 27, 2017, 12:16 pm

    LW1: I’d definitely tell the wife about the nude photos. She deserves (1) to know that this guy cannot be trusted and (2) to know that she needs to act to do whatever it is she needs to do to ensure they are deleted and not shared.

    LW2: I’m really sorry that your ex-BF was a shit bag during a difficult time for you. Block his number and and forget he exists. You deserve much, much, much better.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros April 28, 2017, 5:01 pm

      I definitely agree the wife should be told!

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  • avatar

    Rebecca April 27, 2017, 12:37 pm

    My mental monologue while reading both of these: no no no no No No No No NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

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  • avatar

    Ashley April 27, 2017, 2:12 pm

    LW1. Follow your gut from now on. You knew something was wrong with the dynamic, these pictures just confirmed it.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros April 28, 2017, 4:58 pm

    LW1: Your letter strikes me as odd because you briefly mention that it’s wrong that he took the photos, but seem much more concerned with the idea that he may be attracted to someone else. You’re uncomfortable getting together with the group of friends, but are seemingly comfortable still being with a creep who takes naked photos of a woman without her knowing? I mean, that’s probably a crime. Imagine if someone took naked photos of you without your consent. What kind of a person would you think they were? That’s what you’re dating. This shouldn’t be a question. You should have dumped him yesterday. I personally would probably call the cops on him because this amount of entitlement surrounding a woman’s body makes me wonder what else he thinks he’s entitled to.

    LW2: Stress isn’t a excuse. A person who becomes a jerk under stress is still a jerk. A person may seem like a great person when things are going well, but when something stressful or upsetting happens, that’s when you see what they are really like. Good for you for ending it.

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  • avatar

    Gwyneth6 April 28, 2017, 5:08 pm

    LW1 man is much worse a guy, hes probably a sex offender in some parts of the world. LW2s man ruined his relationship and treated her terribly but he may grow up one day and also it may have been some kind of loss for him too, and it was probably something he’d never been through. I think a clue about his immaturity the way that he was worried about his mom grilling him about where he was. Not a common dynamic for someone his age and their parent, most people would at least be comfortable with a white lie. He sounds anxious. Don’t think they should get back together ever but I have a bit of sympathy for him.

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  • avatar

    Luana Silva June 18, 2017, 7:18 pm

    Dear Lost and Found, from what I understand, he likes this other girl and doesn´t reveal why he is with you and also because she has already married his best friend. In my opinion, you should talk openly with him and clarify everything.
    Ask him, go to a place just you and him and ask him privately openly about what his true feelings with this girl. If he is an operator who likes everything and has nothing to do with it. And in that case, the best to do is to stay away from him even if difficult, at least for a while for think about your own him life. Have a break.
    However, if he responds that he has already liked but he doesn´t, it and has no more, try to convince him to pair together for a while too, even because a girl has treated you badly and this may be a threatening feeling.

    XOXO,
    Good Luck !

    Reply Link

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