A few months ago, during a conversation about the past, I asked him if his ex had any children from a previous relationship, to which he replied quite quickly with: “No, why would I get with someone who has a kid?” I told him I’d found out his ex partner had mentioned “her daughter” on Facebook, and he said it was probably her current boyfriend’s child. So, I brushed it off. I later found out that he had lied to me about another personal issue and we had a tiff. I reminded him again that I have trust issues, and he told me he had nothing else to hide and that we could hopefully move forward.
Two weeks later I noticed he had unblocked his ex from bloody Facebook and searched her. The next day I searched his ex myself and found more info about “her daughter.” I asked my partner to tell me truthfully if he had a child, to which he admitted that his ex had a daughter but said he didn’t want to tell me because it hurts him. I’m not fussed about the ex or the daughter — I couldn’t care less; I’m more annoyed and angry that he lied to my face. I have since found out that he basically brought up the girl as his own!
In addition to lying to me, he has told–I heard him–what he classifies as “white lies” to his friends and family, making me wonder what else he might be lying to me about. I guess his lie about the ex’s daughter could have been worse — the child could be his, but I’m annoyed at how he has treated me. He said he doesn’t know how to act when he gets nervous and that’s why he lied. He really is a genuine bloke and looks after me and treats me better than I was treated in my previous relationships, but with the recent lies do I throw the towel in now and maybe regret it or do I give him another chance? — Dating a Liar
After spending a collective 11 years in shitty relationships that left you with “bad trust issues” and took you to a dark place where you had to fight so hard to find yourself again, you’d think you’d have a no-tolerance policy to bold-faced lies and would be especially sensitive to red flags signaling someone’s a big ol’ liar. And your boyfriend is a big ol’ liar. Rather than get sucked into another years-long shitty relationship with someone you can’t trust, why not break the cycle and MOA before you get even more invested? You know the guy lies. Why would you stay with him? Why, when you have admitted difficulty trusting people, would you deliberately stay with someone who has already, in less than nine months, shown you he is not worthy of the hard work it takes for you to trust? MOA!
And beyond that, you need to figure out why you keep falling for liars. Three lying men is a pattern. And when you have to stop and debate whether to stay with the most recent liar, despite all the pain and hurt the previous liars caused you, that’s a red flag that you aren’t in an emotional place to date. You can’t trust your own judgment. You keep falling for the wrong kind of guy — the SAME wrong kind of guy. It’s almost like you’re addicted to liars or addicted to the bad feeling you get when you’re lied to, or maybe the feeling you get when your lack of trust is validated. At any rate, I suggest therapy. And I suggest taking a break from dating anyone until you and your therapist feel confident in your ability to date outside the unhealthy cycle you’ve grown comfortable in.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.