I know what he’s doing because I check his browser history. We’ve been fighting about it for months. I don’t sleep because I know what he does when I go to sleep and I’m depressed by it. I’ve told him about my concerns, told him there’s no reason a guy in a serious relationship should be regularly visiting those sites unless he’s not happy and he’s searching for a replacement. His response: “I’m not looking for anyone else. I’m happy with you. It’s just an outlet to relieve stress.” Am I wrong to be upset by this, to be losing sleep and feeling my self-esteem plummet? — Lost Sleep
Oh, my. What I’m most concerned about is not so much what you’re currently dealing with, but about what must have happened to you in your past that makes the relationship you have now seem “great” in comparison, because, no, no, no. This is not great. Nothing about what you describes indicates that there’s anything tolerable, let alone “great” about your relationship. Your boyfriend rushes you through sex? He refuses to go anywhere with you? You both go without sleep every night? You check his internet history all the time? He uses singles chat sites to relieve stress? Gee, maybe if he didn’t spend all his time sneaking around he wouldn’t feel stressed out.
But that’s beside the point, really. The point is that your relationship boat has sailed and it’s time for you to MOA. This is beyond saving. You shouldn’t want to save it. People in salvageable relationships don’t spend every waking hour basically cheating on their significant others. You say there’s “no reason a guy in a serious relationship should be regularly visiting those sites unless he’s not happy,” which is partially true. The whole truth is that there’s no reason a guy in a serious, monogamous relationship should EVER be visiting those sites unless the relationship is finished. A healthy relationship has trust, companionship, respect, love, and intimacy. Without those things, you’re essentially left with a roommate who spends a lot of time on the computer. Face it: this relationship is over. Donezo, finis. MOA, LW, and give that loser boyfriend of yours a legitimate reason to cruise the singles sites.
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