Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Boyfriend is having a Baby with Another Woman”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss secret sex lives and inconsiderate friends.

My boyfriend and I have been dating since February, and I just found out on Twitter that he is having a baby girl due in October. When I first found out I was so angry and didn’t know what to do. When I asked him about it, he lied but later that day told me the truth. He said he didn’t know how to tell me and he thought that it would hurt me — and it did, dearly. But I decided to stay with him, and now I’m thinking that’s a terrible decision. I can’t accept the baby. But I love him so much, and he tells me he loves me too. I don’t want to lose him, but the baby will be here soon and I’m afraid that I will not have a place in his heart. Or, what if he decides that he wants to be with the baby’s mother so he can have a family for his daughter? Where do I go from here? — A little Twitter Told Me

 
This guy doesn’t love you. If he did, he would have had the basic respect for you to tell you about his upcoming baby rather than let you read it on Twitter.

I have been best friends with a girl for almost 20 years now. In that time we have only really ever had one fight, but it was a big one and one that I ended the friendship. The problem was, she was constantly being inconsiderate. She would be late for everything we planned (and not just a little late, always at least an hour late), with no phone call. I am very non-confrontational so I always let it go, but of course it escalated and there were other things that to me demonstrated she really didn’t care about me as a friend at all — blowing me off to go out with her then-boyfriend, talking on her cell phone constantly while we hung out, always asking me to carry her things because she doesn’t like to carry a purse. I could go on and on.

I know individually they might not be a big deal, but it added up and I just couldn’t take. She apologized for everything and swore she would not do those things again and so we patched things up, but unfortunately, she is starting to slide back into her old ways; the last two times we were supposed to go for dinner she showed up an hour late (both times). My time is as valuable as the next person’s and I wouldn’t let a guy treat me like that, so why should I let a friend? But is this worth throwing away a friendship over? Or am I over-reacting? — Tired of Being Disrespected

 
The question is: is this enough of an issue for you to end the friendship, and only you can answer that. If it is, MOA! If it’s not, then you need to accept that this is how your friend is and she likely won’t ever change, so start making plans with her an hour earlier than you really want to meet up, or arrive an hour later than whatever time she suggests.

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly three years and I discovered that he has recently signed up for two websites designed for no-strings sexual encounters. Eighteen months into our relationship he started acting secretively, which turned out to be because he was texting another girl (my best friend’s friend) about 20 times a day, and he broke up with me to try and get together with her. She wasn’t interested, so he begged for me back. After six months of him asking, I caved and gave it another go as I never stopped loving him.

Now a year later I still have trust issues, and I sneaked a peek at his email account as he has started the same secretive behavior. Finding the websites he joined just confirms that my trust issues aren’t stupid and he is “window shopping” for other girls. I love him and we get on fantastically, but I just don’t think I could learn to trust him again and I don’t feel like being intimate now because I am disgusted by his secret sex life. Help, what do I do?! — One of the Many Girls

 
Get some self-respect and move on before you find out on Twitter that your boyfriend is having a baby with another woman.

***************

You can follow me on Facebook here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

106 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Kristen August 24, 2012, 9:08 am

    I love that by letter 3, it comes full circle.

    Come on, LWs: Let’s just set a few ground rules. If your boyfriend is having a baby with someone else, dumps you for someone else, tells you he’s not really in love with you, trolls Craigslist “just looking” for random hookups, cheats on you with his wife, won’t introduce you to his family, sexually assaults someone else, asks you to marry him and move in with his mother at age 18, or asks another woman out on a date — MOA! Please, just do it. Don’t look back.

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    • avatar

      Taylor August 24, 2012, 9:20 am

      Yes! Wendy, how about a subsection of shortcuts where you answer it with my favorite 2-word response of yours: “Aim Higher”?

      LW3: “he has recently signed up for two websites designed for no-strings sexual encounters.” <–this isn't window shopping, it's actual shopping.

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    • katie

      Katie August 24, 2012, 9:52 am

      I like it! It’s like DearWendy’s The Rules!

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster August 24, 2012, 12:51 pm

        Right? Wendy should have a page that addresses the top 10 or 20 most frequently asked relationship questions with her blanket advice to each. If a LW writes in with one of those questions, she can just send them there!

        The drawback to this is we’d have nothing to shake our head about on Friday mornings.

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      • Brad

        Brad August 24, 2012, 12:56 pm

        Maybe. I’d also suspect that many letter writers would feel that ‘X’ detail makes their situation unique and would invalidate the FAQ, and instead would require Wendy’s advice.

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    • LK7889

      LK7889 August 24, 2012, 11:52 am

      WKS.

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    • avatar

      tbrucemom August 24, 2012, 1:28 pm

      But then we wouldn’t have any Dear Wendy stories to read and comment on!

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson August 24, 2012, 9:14 am

    Love it Wendy. The world really does come full circle.

    People: Stop being trainwrecks. You will not get a reality show out of it. If your life is really so boring you have to live such a dramatic life why don’t you get a hobby? Or better yet spend your time improving your life. Take some classes. You’re all disasters. Get some self respect.

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    • avatar

      Megan_A_Mess August 24, 2012, 1:31 pm

      I wish I could like this a billion times. (I might just try.) Reminds of something an ex-coworker used to say that I sometimes use … Pull your life together!

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh August 24, 2012, 9:15 am

    Oh man I thought texting was bad but now we’re finding out things about our so’s via twitter.

    Reading some of these letters does make me very scared for the next generation!

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  • avatar

    sarolabelle August 24, 2012, 9:18 am

    I literally laughed out loud when I read the advice for the last letter!

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  • avatar

    DMR August 24, 2012, 9:24 am

    LW1. Leave him. You have no place in his new world.
    LW2. All friends have imperfections and things that drive us crazy. Learn to keep her in line a bit; (e.g., don’t carry her stuff for her). Personally, I am terrible at running late for things so I know where she’s coming from. She should call you if she’s not going to show at all.
    LW3. Leave him.

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh August 24, 2012, 9:31 am

      personally i’m with the LW in that lateness to me says you think your time is more important than mine. if you’re going to be late, call me, text me whatever let me know you’re running late. while i’m sitting wherever thinking your on your way i too could be doing something else. it’s a big pet peeve of mine. and honestly she doesn’t sound like a friend with a few imperfections she sounds like someone who isn’t a friend at all. if the lateness was her only issue you could call it an imperfection. the way she continually seems to treat the LW like crap, is not.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl August 24, 2012, 9:39 am

        I have to agree. This friendship has sailed. LW2 needs to be more clear when navigating new friendships that she expects to be respected. Also it sounds like the friend in this case is just plain old rude, arriving late with no call, talking on the phone while hanging out with other people, asking people to carry your stuff all the time. I wouldn’t put up with the friendship either.

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      • becboo84

        BecBoo84 August 24, 2012, 11:16 am

        Agreed! Anything over 5-10 minutes is just flat out rude.

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      • katie

        Katie August 24, 2012, 11:25 am

        I don’t think it’s flat out disrespect. I think it can be, but I have known people who are just always late. Like they don’t understand the concept of timing and how long a minute actually takes. I never thought they were all out disrespectful of me just for that- and this is coming from someone who is always on time.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh August 24, 2012, 11:30 am

        i can understand that and i think if that were this friend’s only issue i could over look it. but, i for friend’s like that just don’t wait for them or tell them half an hour to an hour before i plan on being there. it only took a one time of them waiting on me for 30 plus minutes (literally the first time they were on time ever, haha) for them to get that it was kind of annoying. after that they definitely made more of an effort. and i think you can tell when someone is flakey vs when someone is being disrespectful. although personally i don’t put up with either very well.

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      • katie

        Katie August 24, 2012, 11:38 am

        I think you can tell disrespect vs. off timing as well.

        And I agree, with all the friends issues, this is just one of many reasons to cut off the friendship.

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      • JK

        JK August 24, 2012, 11:32 am

        Yeah, some people are like that. Some friends of ours are always at least an hour late. But we plan around them (granted most of the time we get together it´s at our house or theirs, so it´s not like we´re left waiting for them in public).
        I´m also always early to things.
        I think LW has to decide if the friendship is worth putting up with these traits that annoy her. And I´m guessing no.

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      • LK7889

        LK7889 August 24, 2012, 12:07 pm

        Yeah, my SO is that way if I’m not there to push him to get off the computer and get dressed because “we have to leave in 15 minutes.” Even then, we normally run about 15 minutes late which bugs me because I’m normally the person who is 15 minutes early- haha.

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      • Lady_Red

        Red_Lady August 24, 2012, 5:33 pm

        I’d agree that lateness doesn’t always equal disrespect. But an entire hour late? Multiple times in a row? And it sounds like the “friend” doesn’t bother to call or text saying that she’s late. That sounds to me like this “friend” is being rude and disrespectful, and I’d suggest the LW focus on friends that actually value spending time with her. I know it’s gotta suck, since you have 20 years invested with this girl, but the girl you befriended is much different than the woman that’s consistently standing you up now.

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      • Roxy_84

        Roxy84 August 24, 2012, 12:04 pm

        What I don’t understand, is why you would wait so long. After I’ve been waiting 10-15 minutes for someone, I’m going to call/text to find out what the hold up is. If I don’t get a hold of them, I’m leaving by 30 minutes, max. I guess it could be a situation where you do get a hold of them and they’re all “so sorry! I’ll be there in 15 minutes, just running a little late!” and then you figure you’re already there, so you wait another 20-25 minutes, etc. But I agree with jlyfsh…being consistently late by more than 5-10 minutes is saying you prioritize whatever else you’re doing over meeting your friend.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh August 24, 2012, 12:34 pm

        yeah i guess it’s rude on my part too but if you’re over 20 minutes late i either go and do whatever we had planned to do or go and do something else and if you text or call me great. i don’t feel the need to be the one to reach out in that instance. i think i’m getting meaner as i get older.

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      • Brad

        Brad August 24, 2012, 12:42 pm

        Even worse (in my humble opinion) are serial plan cancelers. Yes people that are late are annoying, but tardiness doesn’t annoy me nearly as much as the people who cancel at the last minute, or the fake enthusiastic types that then won’t commit. If you don’t want to do it just say so.

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster August 24, 2012, 11:38 am

        Oh no! Your comment got that Call Me Maybe song in my head. BAH!

        I wish I didn’t think in song lyrics so often.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh August 24, 2012, 11:48 am

        haha did you see the one that some group in VA made. something along it’s my vagina and i can’t remember the rest, it was hilarious though. eventually maybe i will have enough time to search for it!

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh August 24, 2012, 11:50 am

        here it is!

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster August 24, 2012, 1:00 pm

        BAHAHAHA!

        Best. Parody. Ever. The random guy dancing FTW!

        I will return in a moment after I post that on every social networking site I participate in. 🙂

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl August 24, 2012, 9:29 am

    LW1 I don’t think this relationship can survive. MOA before you get attached to the baby.

    Also if my math is correct your BF impregnated this woman in February which is when you said you started dating. Please take your self for a doctors visit and get your self checked out. It sounds like there was very little- if any time between the your BF’s two partners. (Assuming you’re sexually active)

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle August 24, 2012, 9:38 am

    “But he’s so great otherwise!” LWs 1 & 3– NO HE’S NOT. He neglected to tell you that he impregnated somebody during your relationship/he’s actively searching for sex partners while dating you. These things negate your “love” & the fact(?) that you “get on fantastically.” (Yes, I am addressing you both at once, because clearly..neither of you are thinking clearly in your equally shitty situations)

    LW 2– WWS

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    • avatar

      6napkinburger August 26, 2012, 1:04 pm

      Just as a point of medical-ness — didn’t he impregnate the other girl before they were together? October due date means impregnated in January, no? its 40 weeks (aka 10 months, not the lying 9) of gestation and they got together in Feb. Right?

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  • avatar

    Leah August 24, 2012, 9:38 am

    LW3, those are certainly things that you COULD end a friendship over, if that’s what you want. For me it would depend on what I thought was driving the behavior. Does this friend treat me this way because she’s selfish and disrespectful, or is it because she’s just sort of flaky and disorganized?

    Another option would be to limit the friendship. If she’s someone you see a lot, maybe try to limit your time together and make her more of a “see each other once every few months to catch up” sort of friend. Maybe you could replace going out to dinner, which requires a tight schedule, for just talking on the phone or skyping. Or tell her you’re going to be at a certain bar or restaurant, maybe hanging out with some other friends, and tell her she can meet you there if she feels like it. That way, you wouldn’t be stuck waiting!

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom August 24, 2012, 9:43 am

    LW1 Move on because your boyfriend hasn’t been honest with you and at the same time you are too insecure and jealous of a baby to be in an adult romantic relationship. Men, can and do, love women romantically while loving babies as a dad, it happens all the time. If you can’t accept that then you aren’t ready for an adult relationship. The baby isn’t the issue, the deception about the baby by your boyfriend is the issue. The deceit is a dealbreaker. The lies are a dealbreaker. The getting someone else pregnant while, I’m assumine, he’s in a relationship with you, is a dealbreaker. The baby, in and of itself, isn’t the issue.

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  • avatar

    Liz August 24, 2012, 9:54 am

    Almost peed my pants with the advice to LW3. Haha! How fabulous!

    But seriously, people are so fucking stupid. Common sense isn’t so common anymore.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom August 24, 2012, 9:54 am

    LW2 You’ve been best friends for over twenty years but what are you getting out of the relationship? You don’t say anything positive to balance the negative. Maybe that’s because there is no positive or maybe that’s because she didn’t show up for something and you’re so angry you wrote a letter that is only angry.

    If there is something positive in the relatinship you can establish boundaries or rules. If you are meeting her somewhere tell her when you make the arrangements that you will only wait ten minutes and then you’ll leave because you have other things to do. Then, if she doesn’t show within the ten minutes, you leave. That will happen at least a few times before she starts showing up routinely. Second, you can invite her over to your place so that you can do other things while waiting for her. If you do this don’t feel like you have to have no other plans for that day because you can schedule other things and leave at a set time if need be, just let her know when you schedule. Something like, Why don’t you come over at 1:00, we can talk for two hours and then I’m leaving at 3:00 to … As far as her having you carry things just say no. If she asks you to carry her things say you’re sure she can carry them herself or say you know she wouldn’t purchase more than she can carry or that you’ll need your hands free to get the doors. Don’t become her pack mule.

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  • avatar

    ktfran August 24, 2012, 9:55 am

    I wish I had some snarky response, but there are no words for these LW’s. It’s either that or I’m still disturbed from finally finishing Gone Girl, and I can’t think of anything else.

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson August 24, 2012, 10:15 am

      Oh how is that book? It’s on my wishlist.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary August 24, 2012, 10:18 am

        omg it’s so good. It’s completely twisted but it’s an awesome book, and thrillers/mystery/psychological books aren’t usually my thing.

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      • avatar

        ktfran August 24, 2012, 10:24 am

        So good. Read it. It’s pretty awesome. And while you’re reading, whatever scenario you come up with for the ending is wrong. She does that good of a job.

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  • avatar

    Sheryl August 24, 2012, 10:16 am

    Lw1 – OMG, how are you OK that your bf posted about a baby on TWITTER, but didn’t tell you?

    Lw2 – Are you getting anything out of this friendship? Does she actually show in other ways she cares about you? Helping in a crisis? Listening to you if you are having a bad day? Also, start drawing some boundaries (“if you don’t show up within 30 minutes of our meeting time, I’m leaving”, “No, I won’t carry your purse. Buy a cross body bag.”, call her on her cell phone next time she spends more than 2 minutes on a call with someone else while hanging out with you). Does she call YOU to hang out? I have a feeling if you stop letting her walk all over you, she might just drop you as a friend; or she might actually realize what a tool she is being. Either way, problem solved.

    Lw3 – Seriously? He’s already broken up with you once to see what is out there, and you have proof he is looking again. Have some self respect!

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    • avatar

      bethany August 24, 2012, 10:50 am

      I totally agree with you on LW2– She needs to stop being a doormat, and see what becomes of this friendship. Have a feeling the “friend” won’t really like it when the LW’s no longer at her beck and call, and will pull a fade out.

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    • Lady_Red

      Red_Lady August 24, 2012, 5:37 pm

      oooh, I love the idea of calling her if she talks to someone else while you’re hanging out. That is one of my biggest pet peeves! I mean, if you’re with a group of people, stepping aside to take a quick phone call is fine. But if you are out to dinner with one other person, and they start having a full blown phone conversation – it’s just awkward! Just because you can take your phone with you everywhere doesn’t mean you should use it everywhere.

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  • avatar

    Alecia August 24, 2012, 11:26 am

    LW1 and LW3: If you find out anything via internet- that’s a clear sign to move on. Nobody deserves to treat you that way, nor should you stay around long enough to continue being treated that way.
    LW2: Once a trifling friend, always a trifling friend- MOA. If she valued it she would put more effort in. I don’t like confrontation either but you at least need to set some boundaries.
    Moral of all of these stories- if people don’t treat you as well as you treat them MOA- that’s basic golden rule stuff.

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    • avatar

      MMcG August 24, 2012, 12:14 pm

      NEW RULE!! If you learn significant information about your relationship via the internet, you’re not in as serious a relationship as you think and immediate re-evaluation is required. Preferably including testing for STDs and MOA.

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  • Brad

    Brad August 24, 2012, 11:27 am

    You know, I try my best to not get cynical and stay positive when it comes to dating. I also try my best to be as outgoing and interesting as is consistent with my personality. I’m also working on improving myself professionally by getting my masters and working out regularly. And overall I’d say it’s going pretty good. But reading letters like these and hearing stories like them really makes me wonder, how often is it when I ask a woman out and she declines because she has a boyfriend that THESE are the types of guys I’m being passed over for? I know it probably shouldn’t, but it always amazes me just a little bit how guys like these get girlfriends…

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    • avatar

      Trixy Minx August 24, 2012, 11:43 am

      It floats both ways.

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      • avatar

        ktfran August 24, 2012, 11:53 am

        So, so true.

        I have my shit together. I’m pretty laid back. I have a good job. I believe in independance within a relationship. So how is it that I go on a few dates with a guy and then he ceases communication? And instead will go out with someone with low self esteem, or possessive, or high maintenance, or isert whatever.

        Yes, it goes both ways.

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      • avatar

        Taylor August 24, 2012, 12:47 pm

        ktfran – statistics of small numbers and all, but from my experience, it seems like a lot of men (especially in their 20s) are attracted to the crazy – whether it’s needy, bitchy or pure drama. I don’t know what it is either.

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      • Brad

        Brad August 24, 2012, 12:49 pm

        See that I don’t understand the appeal of those types either (I’m not disagreeing with you). The last thing I want is someone that’s super needy or high drama. Maybe those types of women put out easily???

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      • avatar

        ktfran August 24, 2012, 12:54 pm

        My best, unscientific guess is that either the girl is super hot, or I think some men like the crazy or the needy.

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      • Lili

        Lili August 24, 2012, 1:09 pm

        Mendoza Diagonal.

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      • avatar

        Trixy Minx August 24, 2012, 3:47 pm

        A guy friend told me he liked the crazy sex. lol

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark August 24, 2012, 11:55 am

        Eh, stop deluding yourself. If that WAS true there would probably be A LOT more male orientated advice columns. Seriously… Look, men have their problems, too, no doubt. But desperately clinging to hopelessly fucked up relationships that are THIS obviously fucked up? Honestly, I haven’t ever seen NEARLY so much of that in men.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh August 24, 2012, 11:59 am

        sorry men are not superior beings that don’t screw up, they do stay in relationships just like this. they just aren’t as likely to write in to an advice column.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark August 24, 2012, 12:10 pm

        You miss my point. Men screw up in LOTS of ways… Just not like this. Women are socialized by society that they should fix men and do anything to make a relationship work. Sorry, but I rarely see this behavior in men. I just don’t.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark August 24, 2012, 12:19 pm

        It’s like how men beat and otherwise abuse their partners far more often than women do. There actually ARE differences in the sexes. And NOT all of them are good. Obviously, there are exception to every rule, but this doormat behavior is much more common in women, I think. That’s just reality.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow August 24, 2012, 12:27 pm

        Yeah, but if it is, I think it has to do a lot with the culture we live in. Don’t get me wrong, I know there is pressure on men to “settle down” and reproduce, but it tends to be much worse for women. You know, the “Old Maid” vs. “Bachelor” thing. Also, we’re supposed to be GOOD at relationships. A lot of the work – the nurturing, the communication, blah blah blah – is on us. It’s just supposed to be what we do. That’s how we’re socialized. So I feel like women TEND to be looked at as (or to feel like) “failures” when a relationship ends.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow August 24, 2012, 12:32 pm

        And it’s not an ingrained “sex difference,” it’s more of a difference in how genders are socialized.

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      • LK7889

        LK7889 August 24, 2012, 12:19 pm

        Eh, men DO get into bad relationships. They just don’t whine about it like women do. Instead, they bottle it up until it explodes or they self-medicate.

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      • avatar

        MJ August 24, 2012, 12:40 pm

        All you have to do is go on a male-dominated site like Reddit to see dudes who stick it out with women they deem “crazy” and who treat them like crap. Before I met my bf, I would shake my head at these guys chasing crazy women who create drama, when I am a cool low-maintenance chick with my head on straight.

        Whether it’s because of good sex, or fun, or companionship, or because they think they can “fix” him/her, people get into relationships they shouldn’t be in. Male and female. It does go both ways.

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      • Lady_Red

        Red_Lady August 24, 2012, 5:22 pm

        Oh my goodness, the stories my husband tells me from reddit…..there are definitely some desperate guys out there. I think the problem is that people (both guys and girls, though probably more girls) are more concerned about having a relationship than having a good relationship.

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      • Brad

        Brad August 24, 2012, 5:54 pm

        My brother is like that and it drives my parents (mother especially) absolutely INSANE!

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      • landygirl

        landygirl August 24, 2012, 10:31 pm

        Some of the anti-woman forums on reddit are disgusting.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant August 24, 2012, 3:33 pm

        Could it not also be that men are socialized to not reach out (anonymously or otherwise) when they find themselves in a crappy situation.

        Or could they be socialized to not see things as problematic as women do, not even realizing what a crappy relationship they are in?

        In short, I agree with your observation = more women than men write into advice columns about their crappy relationships, but I don’t think you have any legit evidence to explain WHY that is.

        Besides, rarely are dysfunctional relationships the result of just ONE person’s actions, so if a lot of women are out there in sucky relationships, there’s gotta be a lot of dudes out there putting up with shit too.

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    • avatar

      Eagle Eye August 24, 2012, 11:44 am

      Well, just remember, you don’t actually want to be dating someone like this anyway, or at least not yet. Everyone’s had the bum boyfriend but you probably want someone a bit more together and, less, well..someone who makes you want to bang your head against a keyboard. 🙂

      All girlfriends are not created equal!

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      • Brad

        Brad August 24, 2012, 12:28 pm

        That’s the thing I try to keep reminding myself of, lol. But it’s usually the first thing that I think about when I read these. Knowing everything I do about myself and all the things I have to offer, and this is the guy that actually has the girlfriend–lol. Just makes me shake my head.

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    • Lili

      Lili August 24, 2012, 12:24 pm

      Brad, its not just about the women though. I mean, I get dating can be frustrating and it kills the soul to see people end up with people we deem ‘not as good as us’ but my basic advice is, take this kind of comparison out of the equation. You’ll be happier for it. TRUST. Not everyone clicks with everyone. Some of us need to learn some important relationship lessons thus why we repeat patterns until they stick. Your lady IS out there, just know that finding her is half timing and half luck. Nothing else, no amount of self improvement can be conversely measured to your success in love. Sure, it means we are meeting a different caliber of people when we aspire to certain heights. But that has nothing to do with finding and maintaining a successful relationship.

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      • Moneypenny

        Moneypenny August 24, 2012, 1:15 pm

        That’s good advice Lili. It can apply to pretty much anyone! I know I’ve felt the same way myself. 🙂

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      • Lili

        Lili August 24, 2012, 1:24 pm

        Thanks!

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray August 24, 2012, 1:11 pm

      Brad, your lady friend is out there, I promise. (I have to believe that or else how can I keep tricking myself into believing my man is out there too? Ha.) But one piece of advice I have for you is it’s ok to believe this but just don’t say it outloud to the ladies you’re trying to date: “I also try my best to be as outgoing and interesting as is consistent with my personality” — because she might think you have none! I’m kidding, kind of.

      My other piece of advice to realize that what’s on paper doesn’t matter at the end of the day. Or actually, maybe it does matter at the end of the day but it doesn’t matter at the begining of the day! At the beginning of the day the girl is going to want to connect, feel a spark, enjoy your personality, feel like you care, etc. If you can’t establish that, your job/fitness isn’t going to matter.

      But there’s hope. See, girls in their 20s want it all. If you wait until you’re in your 30s, merely having a job and working out will take you super far, so your future is bright! In fact, I can’t think of ONE GUY in his 30s with a job who does not have at least one girlfriend.

      This was all meant to be funny and/or constructive!

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      • avatar

        MJ August 24, 2012, 1:22 pm

        Haha, Addie. Agreed!

        There’s this great quote from the movie Up in the Air, when the 24-year-old and the older woman are talking about their ideal man:

        Anna Kendrick’s 24-year-old character: “Sometimes it feels like, no matter how much success I have, it’s not gonna matter until I find the right guy. I could have made it work, he really fit the bill, you know. White collar, 6’1, college grad, loves dogs, likes funny movies, brown hair, kind eyes, works in finance but is outdoorsy. I always imagined he’d have a single syllable name like Matt or John or Dave. In a perfect world, he drives a 4 runner and the only thing he loves more than me is his golden lab. And a nice smile.”

        Vera Farmiga’s 34-year-old+ character: “You know, honestly by the time you’re 34, all the physical requirements just go out the window. You secretly pray that he’ll be taller than you, not an asshole would be nice. Just someone who enjoys my company, comes from a good family. You don’t think about that when you’re younger. Someone who wants kids, likes kids. Healthy enough to play with his kids. Please let him earn more money than I do, you might not understand that now but believe me, you will one day otherwise that’s a recipe for disaster. And hopefully, some hair on his head. I mean, that’s not even a deal breaker these days. A nice smile. Yea, a nice smile just might do it.”

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      • JK

        JK August 24, 2012, 1:25 pm

        I LOVE that movie!!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray August 24, 2012, 1:32 pm

        Love that movie. And I loved that scene – I remember it. So cute. I also think Vera Farmiga is sexy. And my boyfriend George of course.

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      • Brad

        Brad August 24, 2012, 1:27 pm

        Oh I most certainly don’t mention that line of thinking to any women I’m even remotely considering trying to date. I’ll admit to being less experienced in the dating department compared to most guys my age, but I’m not that dumb (lol). I also don’t lead with, hey I’ve got a job and I workout, be my girlfriend! I typically try to connect on mutual hobbies/interests and figure out what we could go do for fun that we’d both enjoy. My friend … Bob … says my problem is that I move too damn slow (figuratively speaking) and he’s probably right.

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        Addie Pray August 24, 2012, 1:31 pm

        I’m sorry, now i have this song stuck in my head: “I work out, girl look at that body, I work out, girl look at that body, I work out, girl look at that body….”

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      • Brad

        Brad August 24, 2012, 1:34 pm

        Haha I HATE that song! And since my abs aren’t showing yet I’m not sure it applys to me…(damn you fried chicken and booze!!!). Though I’ll admit part of that is because it reminds me of a girl that loves that song and … well that’s another story.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson August 25, 2012, 9:08 am

        They play that song in my sculpt class sometimes…and I gotta admit it is kinda motivating.

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    • avatar

      6napkinburger August 26, 2012, 1:08 pm

      The difference is trashiness. You’d never in a million years date the women equivalent of these men– it wouldn’t dawn on you to. Just like it would never dawn on us to date these men. And we wouldn’t date the people who would put up with them either. So its just a different selection group. They aren’t in your sphere.

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  • avatar

    Trixy Minx August 24, 2012, 11:41 am

    I have a rule that if someone is more than ten minutes late with no text I leave. If the person actually shows up and texts me I don’t respond back. Maybe its petty but my time is valuable to me.

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    • MackenzieLee

      MackenzieLee August 24, 2012, 12:29 pm

      I think I might adopt this. My problem is that I’m still in college and live with all my friends so when they are late they makes us all late. I don’t know how many times I’ve waited for hours to go to sunday brunch so they can put on makeup.

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      • avatar

        Trixy Minx August 24, 2012, 4:05 pm

        I would just go with the people who are ready.

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    • katie

      katie August 24, 2012, 4:11 pm

      aw that seems so harsh to me! dang!

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      • avatar

        Trixy Minx August 24, 2012, 8:25 pm

        Maybe it is but that’s after I’ve texted her to confirm, waited, and nothing not even to tell me she’ll be late, I leave.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark August 24, 2012, 11:47 am

    Another day, another three LWs seemingly doing all they can to prove my ongoing hypothesis that women are rapidly and deliberately de-evolving into “The Desperate Sex.” At this rate, I should probably just go ahead and write a book on this and save the world.

    LW 1: My boyfriend is having a baby with someone else — what now? — (Oh, for God’s sake.)

    LW2: My bestfriend constantly treats me like shit, I so wouldn’t let a guy treat me like this… (Wanna bet, that’s seemingly all LWs around here do lately. Hmmmm, to fit in, maybe you should switch teams so you can date this bestfriend.)

    LW3: My boyfriend is the male whole of Babylon, but our problem is I can’t learn to trust him again… (Seriously? Yeah. Right. THAT’S your problem…)

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    • Brad

      Brad August 24, 2012, 12:32 pm

      “(Oh, for God’s sake.)” This made me lol, which got me a few odd looks from people nearby.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant August 24, 2012, 3:28 pm

        “Another day, another three LWs seemingly doing all they can to prove my ongoing hypothesis that women are rapidly and deliberately de-evolving into “The Desperate Sex.”

        Ugh, this line again. You know, there are 150 million plus women in this country, more than 3 billion globally. The letters on Dear Wendy are an itty bitty sample size. Even the observations from your personal life still constitute a drop in the bucket of women out there. Knock off the generalizing. The only thing we all have in common is vaginas (and if you count trans-women, which really, we should, then not even that).

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        Eagle Eye August 24, 2012, 4:03 pm

        Haha, yeah, I mean, I could totally write about how my boyfriend and I communicate really well, and how we’ve been trading off whose supporting who during the various trials that have occurred during our relationship…but wouldn’t that be boring? I second LK7889 – the crazier the better, far more interesting to read about…

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    • avatar

      Nina August 24, 2012, 4:58 pm

      BGM, I get chastised when I pass judgements like these—But, I wouldnt have to be so severe on my own sex if they didn’t behave like dolt’s!

      I agree with much of what you say, and I must admit I do look forward to what you have to say, BGM, but I will say this-this is only a small portion of women who write in with these kinds of…problems…We aren’t all rapidly and diliberately de-evolving into the “despirate sex” 😉

      I’d love to see the book though! Haha

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  • avatar

    MMcG August 24, 2012, 12:10 pm

    To quote Anderson Cooper: “Whatever happened to shame?”

    Seriously, LW1 & 3, ask yourself what would it take for you to break up with these guys? Murder? Involving you in human trafficking and/or being a drug mule? Actually walking in on “your love” with his d*ck inside literally inside someone else? These guys are pathetic and disgusting, and you two are bending over backwards to make it ok and stay with these “winners” and should be ashamed of yourselves.

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  • LK7889

    LK7889 August 24, 2012, 12:24 pm

    To all the people who say that the LWs contribute to their lack of faith in humanity: If these women didn’t write in with pathetic, self-loathing problems, we would be lacking in our Dear Wendy entertainment for the day. That is all.

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    • LK7889

      LK7889 August 24, 2012, 12:25 pm

      I mean, seriously. I don’t want to read about mundane problems where people have their lives together. That would be boring.

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      • Brad

        Brad August 24, 2012, 12:30 pm

        lol you two are terrible!

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    • katie

      katie August 24, 2012, 4:10 pm

      ill be honest, i like a trainwreck letter as much as the next person, but i really, really like the letters that are a very complicated issue with no clear right or wrong answer. those are very interesting to me because everyone has such different views on the world and different experiences that we all get to see where each other draws the line, and i like that.

      and yes, these people give me no faith in humanity.

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  • Budj

    Budj August 24, 2012, 12:57 pm

    ADDIE – I would like to make a motion to add “if you found out through twitter that your bf is going to be the father of someone else’s child….it’s probably time to MOA”

    And yea…I’m sure the guy that is looking to fuck random girls through craigslist while in a committed relationship is a stand-up guy in all other aspects of his pathetic existence…

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray August 24, 2012, 1:16 pm

      I second your motion! Also, Budj, you can make me a motion any time. Chick chick a bow bow!

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    • MELH

      MELH August 25, 2012, 9:35 am

      Ha ha budj I was just thinking that we need to add on “if you find out any important relationship news on twitter, it’s time to MOA” to the text rule

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  • avatar

    gingerlime August 24, 2012, 1:20 pm

    LW2, I had a super-similar thing going on with a friend.

    Don’t be a doormat. I was all “Well, we’re friends, I’ll let it slide…” Each. Time.

    This friend would ditch me for the fuck-buddy with whom she was having admittedly bad sex, invite other friends who I didn’t know on special things we had planned to be just the two of us. All of what you said, this and more.

    Do you feel respected? What’s in it for you?

    Watch Pretty Little Liars, my new guilty pleasure, and if the Ali character reminds you of the friend, get gone, sucker.

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  • avatar

    Caris August 24, 2012, 11:57 pm

    *sigh*

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  • avatar

    Kelly August 25, 2012, 4:57 pm

    It is clear the only war on woman is one being waged by woman on themselves. Seriously, no wonder so many single woman vote democrat. The stupidity and relationship IQ says it all.

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    • avatar

      Kristen August 25, 2012, 5:06 pm

      Wow.

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      • avatar

        Kelly August 25, 2012, 5:08 pm

        I know, that’s what I always think when I read about the stupidity of woman and what they allow themselves to put up with.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh August 25, 2012, 6:23 pm

        yeah kristen wow for me too. i guess only single women are stupid. and now that you’re married you’re ok 😉 (hope you can read the sarcasm there ;))

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      • avatar

        Kristen August 25, 2012, 6:56 pm

        I know! I guess since we’re married, we’re now smart democrat voters 😉

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      • avatar

        Caris August 25, 2012, 7:11 pm

        wow indeed.

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  • avatar

    datechguy August 25, 2012, 7:43 pm

    You know when I read these columns I understand why Christianity endures so. If you try to live under the proper rules and look for people who do the same this kind of thing is less likely.

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