Well, here I am a few weeks later and I see that she’s been texting him. To satisfy my curiosity, I decided to read the conversation while he took out our trash, and, low and behold, they are full-on conversing, yet half of it you could tell had been deleted because the part I started with made no sense. Yes, the conversation — at least the part I read — was harmless; however, he never told me he was texting her. Moreover, why is he texting her? She lives in Seattle, we live in Michigan. I’m slightly concerned as to why he didn’t tell me and also why the conversation seems to have been deleted. — Jealous of His Ex
If you pay attention to nothing else I have to say, please heed this: don’t move in with your boyfriend in August. August is just a few short weeks away, and your relationship is not mature or stable enough to weather the storm that would be moving in and creating a life together as co-habitating partners. Stay where you are or move in with someone else or find a place of your own. Wait a year and see where things are. But, whatever you do, don’t move in together now unless you actually like drama and tension and anxiety and not having space or time away from any of the above.
There are several red flags in your letter, not least of which is your snooping. You wonder why your boyfriend is texting his ex, but why are you invading his privacy and snooping through his text conversations? “To satisfy your curiosity” is not a good enough reason. That reason sucks, actually, and points to an alarming lack of respect and regard for your boyfriend and his privacy. Obviously you felt threatened and were suspicious, but why? What has transpired between you and your boyfriend in the past that has made you so wary of his behavior and/or suspicious of his intentions? Figuring out that part is half the battle here.
The other half of the battle, of course, is figuring out the relationship between your boyfriend and his ex. And to do that, you could just ask your boyfriend. What was she to him? Why did they break up? When did he last talk with her? And why did he tell you she’d messaged him about her divorce? Is it typical of you both to alert each other any time you hear from an ex or any time you talk to anyone else other than each other? If there’s no precedence for this kind of thing, maybe you had a gut reaction to his mentioning her, and, if so, what did your gut say? Our guts are pretty intuitive, and chances are it knows something even if you don’t quite have it figured out.
As for why part of the text conversation was deleted, you don’t know for sure that it was. Maybe they were continuing their conversation from a phone call they had, or an email, or an online chat. Maybe your boyfriend’s phone automatically deletes older texts or hides them in a way that they aren’t immediately viewable. Maybe the conversation didn’t make sense to you… because it wasn’t meant for you! Whatever the case, you need to discuss your feelings with your boyfriend. I’d admit to snooping through his phone and seeing the text conversation. Tell him WHY you were suspicious and see if he can say or do anything to give you some peace about the situation (beyond the fact that, you know, this woman lives several states away).
And one more time for good measure: don’t move in together yet. Wait a year or wait until you haven’t been tempted to snoop for at least six months — whichever comes last. Snooping is a sign that the trust level is inadequate, and the last thing you need is to move in with someone you don’t fully trust.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.