It’s time again for Three-in-One, where I answer three letters in one column. This is like Shortcuts, but with fewer empty calories.
We are very happy and are trying to move in together. The last time we did I was not financially stable and had a job where I worked 12 hours a week, making my boyfriend the main breadwinner. This caused a lot of tension between us and as a result we broke up. Now, I’m much more financially stable and, as we discuss moving in again, my boyfriend says he wants us to split the rent 50/50, even though he has more money than I do and my bills are more expensive.
I don’t personally find this fair at all. I ask him why he wants this arrangement and he said it’s because he doesn’t want what happened last time to happen again. Thoughts? — Equal Doesn’t Mean Fair
My thought is that if you disagree on whether he should pay more rent than you because he makes more money and has fewer expenses, and you aren’t willing to split the rent 50/50 without holding a grudge and feeling bitter about it, then you aren’t ready to move in together. Aside from how to pay for rent or mortgage, you should also see where you stand these other 14 issues before you move in together.
Assuming you have the kind of relationship with your cousin that it would make sense that you would talk to him about this issue instead of, say, his parents, you could gift him some grooming products, like deodorant, soap, and shaving products, for him to start experimenting with, and hope he gets the message. If that doesn’t do the trick, then you have to be more explicit and pull him aside and say, “I know you have trouble smelling, so you may not be aware, but sometimes you have strong body odor, which is common among boys your age and easy to deal with. Have you tried those products I gave you?”
We are both divorced with kids. We have similar views on relationships and family. We discussed how things would work out and how I would be the one to move. Due to his custody arrangements he can not move out of his county. I would have to fight my ex-husband to move, but, if it worked out, I would do it.
I recently went to see him for a long weekend and we had a blast. I met his friends, and he took me to work and introduced me. It was amazing. The following week we did not talk as much and I mentioned about coming to see him the following month. He checked his schedule and said it wouldn’t work. He also mentioned that he is going to start traveling for work and maybe I can meet up with him when he is near me. Less than a week later he told me that he is wondering where we are going and that he does not want a commitment. He still wants to talk to me and he likes hanging out, but he doesn’t want to be exclusive.
We are states away and over 1000 miles apart. How do you do casual when it requires a plane to see each other? This is all new to me and I am trying to understand. Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. — Just Confused
This man has thought it over and he does not want a relationship with you. It may be that he’s gotten to know you better and just doesn’t see himself with you in the long run, or it may be that there are too many complicating factors — long distance visits, a long distance move, custody arrangements, blending two families — that he doesn’t think are worth it. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy your company and wouldn’t welcome a visit from you now and then, but if you are expecting anything more than a friend-with-benefits type of arrangement with this guy — and it sounds like you are! — I would MOA before you get in over your head.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].