Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Boyfriend Shares a Bed With His 20-Year-Old Sister!”

I think my boyfriend and his sister are TOO close. His Instagram is covered with pictures of her (she’s in about 90% of the pictures he posts). He doesn’t even post pictures of the two of us despite that we’ve been together almost a year. When he gets good news or something cool happens, he speed dials his sister to tell her, even if he is with me. He calls her multiple times a day just to “check on her” and “see what she’s doing.” If she doesn’t answer, he immediately worries something may have happened to her. He doesn’t do the same for me though. They are ALWAYS texting all throughout the day and late hours of the night.

His sister didn’t approve of our relationship when we first got together. She said awful things about me and tried to convince him that I was no good and I didn’t really like him — that I was just with him to get back at her and my ex, whom she is now dating. She eventually “got over it” when she saw I wasn’t going anywhere, but we’ve had multiple arguments throughout my relationship with her brother.

I am currently eight months pregnant by her brother, and a few months ago, when my boyfriend and I were going through a tough spot and had trust issues, I went through his phone and found that his sister was saying to him that I’m the type of girl who would hold our baby as leverage against him. This is the kind of stuff she fills his head with constantly.

His sister is only home about 60% of the time, and when she comes home, he gets so excited. If we’re lying in bed, he’ll hop right up and go hold an hour conversation with her, even if they’ve been texting all day. His sister doesn’t have a room at the house. so if she decides to stay home that night, she shares the bed with her brother, my boyfriend. Yes, they sleep together… she is 20 years old, he is 22! She could sleep on the couch but would rather sleep with him… in the bed we have sex in. If my boyfriend and I have plans to sleep over at his house but his sister decides to stay home and sleep in his bed, he’ll call off the plans. Or sometimes before we even make plans to sleep over at his house, he will first call his sister to basically check if it’s okay with her, if she’s sleeping in his bed that night or not. Sometimes I’ll invite him out and he’ll refuse to go unless his sister is going. Whenever we all go out together, the two of them hang out and leave me out.

I feel like he’s dating his sister more than he’s dating me. When he gets dressed, he runs to ask his sister if it looks okay even though I’m sitting right there. If he needs something ironed or folded, he asks his sister to do it, not me. Sometime I feel that she is TOO involved in our relationship, too opinionated about us. Am I just jealous or does this make you uncomfortable too? — Feeling Uncomfortable

A lot about this makes me uncomfortable. A 22-year-old man who can’t fold his own clothes? Seriously?! And he’s going to be a father in a few weeks? Very uncomfortable. The idea that his sister seems to be homeless, or at least has no bed of her own? Uncomfortable. The fact that you are about to have a child with someone who doesn’t have his own home (let alone one you share together) and that it doesn’t seem like there’s even a place to raise this baby is very concerning. Where will the baby sleep? I assume you must have your own place, but it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend ever comes over? If you are ever together, it’s at his family’s home where he shares a bed with his sister? All of this would make me uncomfortable, and if there weren’t a baby about to be born any day, I’d advise you to wash your hands of this, walk away, and never look back. Your boyfriend doesn’t seem to respect you, love you, or even like your company very much. (I know you want to make this about the sister, but you’re not dating her. You’re dating her brother, and he’s the one who’s showing an astounding lack of interest in you.)

But… you’re about to have a child and you need to prioritize his/her needs first. That child deserves an opportunity to have a relationship with its father. And you will need whatever support he decides (or is legally mandated) to provide. I mean, forget about your relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. It’s done, it’s over. Now you have to focus on your co-parenting relationship and how you can work together to provide the best upbringing you’re able to for your child. If you haven’t already, you need to figure out the bare basics for this kid, like where it will sleep and how it be clothed and fed. Maybe you are financially independent and will have no problem supporting this child, which would be fantastic. But on the chance that that isn’t the case and that it will be a financial struggle to support your baby, have you applied for government assistance yet to help provide basic necessities for your child? Have you considered adoption? If it’s at all something you would consider, you will need your boyfriend on board and you’ll need to work quickly. The younger the baby, the better its chance of being placed with a loving family who desperately wants it (and is able to provide for it in a way that you might not be able to). If you’ve completely ruled out adoption, I urge you to speak to a family attorney about establishing child support. Something tells me there’s a good chance you’ll be the primary caregiver of this child, and you’ll want whatever legal assistance is available to help obtain whatever support from the baby’s father that you can. (And remember: Even a legal mandate is no guarantee you’ll ever see a penny, so emotionally prepare for that scenario.)

Basically: You have a lot to think about right now. Whether your baby’s father is too close with his sister is, like, not even on the list of priorities. It’s a fruitless concern. There’s no relationship here to save. If this guy truly loved you and wanted to invest in a relationship, he would. The sister provides a distraction from you — one he seems all too eager to grab. But there’s this baby about to be born, and that baby deserves the best that you can give it. So please shift your focus onto that goal. It matters so much more than how many photos the guy you have sex with is posting of his sister on Instagram.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

46 comments… add one
  • bagge72

    bagge72 June 22, 2017, 8:51 am

    This letter makes me so sad for this kid.

    The rest I don’t really care about I guess. I mean it sounds like a bunch of dumb ass kids using each other, even though they don’t care for each other.

    The only priority in this whole situation is the kid. Break it off with the dad, work out a good solid co-parenting relationship if he wants it, and move on with life and make better choices.

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    • Copa

      Copa June 22, 2017, 4:03 pm

      This, with one exception: You may want to consider adoption given the maturity level of everyone involved here, and the fact that you’re worrying about ALL the wrong things when you have a baby due any day now. Seriously, do you even WANT this baby? It doesn’t sound like it, but there are plenty of couples out there struggling with infertility would would. Couples who even know how to do laundry and with stable living conditions.

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  • avatar

    artsygirl June 22, 2017, 8:51 am

    LW – I was gearing for you dumping your BF and loosing his number right from the start until I read that you are pregnant. Honestly it sounds like you have had a dysfunctional relationship right from go, and the fact that the two of you became pregnant almost immediately after starting dating likely added insane amounts of stress to an already bad situation. I would dump the guy, set up a healthy co-parenting relationship, and make sure you get all your legal ducks in a row. There is nothing to salvage with the romantic relationship – you do not mention a single positive regarding your BF. Also, when your relationship is mimicking Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna – make better life choices and break the cycle.

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    • avatar

      MMR June 22, 2017, 11:49 am

      Yes to all of this.

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  • avatar

    Ashley June 22, 2017, 9:58 am

    Talk about burying the lead….

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy June 22, 2017, 10:02 am

      Right?

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    • avatar

      Brian Fairbanks June 22, 2017, 6:38 pm

      Just shows the whole fiasco, in one line, for what it is.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse June 22, 2017, 10:00 am

    Why, why why, would you have a baby with this guy?

    Please consider other options for your child. Like, two adult parents with income and life skills.

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  • avatar

    Moe P June 22, 2017, 10:19 am

    What strikes me as strangest about this letter is that, when you found out you were pregnant, it doesn’t sound like you asked him, assuming you wanted to build a life with this guy, “OK. We are having a child. What’s going to be the deal? Where/how are we going to live?” Or, failing that, asked YOURSELF that question.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark June 22, 2017, 10:22 am

    Adoption. PS — Honestly? It sounds like you ARE gonna use this kid for leverage…

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    • Guy Friday

      Guy Friday June 22, 2017, 10:32 am

      Yeah, I’ve got to say that I got a very distinct vibe of this too. I’m fairly certain once you have the baby, if nothing had changed by that point you’d be telling him he had to choose between you and his sister, and that if he didn’t choose you you wouldn’t let him see the kid. And, to be honest, while there’s no timeline attached, I kind of feel like the whole “getting back at them” point wouldn’t have even been raised if you had been dating him before the sister started dating the ex, so if you DID in fact start dating him after she started dating your ex and then immediately got pregnant with his child that feels . . . I don’t know, a little bit creepy.

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      • avatar

        bondgirl June 22, 2017, 10:59 am

        Me three on the leverage vibe. That poor unborn child. Probably in its best interest to be put up for adoption in order to have any chance at a normal life….

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    Leslie Joan June 22, 2017, 10:34 am

    I’m not even sure what “leverage” would look like, in a relationship such as exists here, and I don’t mean to sound obtuse. Given that the primary relationship he has is with his sister, and it sucks out every bit of air from the room, it seems to me that any little request or expectation that would be normal in a *normal * relationship is going to be read as “leverage wielding” in this situation. Truthfully, adoption seems like the only option for the kid to have anything resembling a normal life. The level of hell that this LW is going to have to go through in navigating the weird is going to be 12 on a scale of 1 to 10.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark June 22, 2017, 10:36 am

    PS — I don’t think ANYBODY (not the bf! not the sister! not the LW!) has a home — instead, they are all “homeless” losers living with their parents…

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster June 22, 2017, 11:12 am

    WOW. If my boyfriend’s ex suddenly started showing an interest in one of my brothers, I’d be extremely suspicious of her motivations. And if she then immediately became pregnant and decided to keep it even though you’re all barely adults who’ve been dating for 5 seconds, I’d consider my suspicions confirmed. OF COURSE she “got over it” once you “weren’t going anywhere” a.k.a got pregnant! Because that is the supportive and mature thing for her to do— which is actually admirable considering she’s only 20. Sounds like she actually gives a shit about her brother, which is more than can be said for you. Frankly, your fixation on the sister instead of the fact that you’re about to bring a child into the world says a lot about your character, and none of it is good. For the good of your child, you need to get out of this relationship that is clearly only held together by your pregnancy and focus on building a stable environment for your child. Apply for whatever government assistance you need and set up a visitation and child support system with the dad. And definitely therapy is in order because holy shit your life choices need to be THOROUGHLY EXAMINED.

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    • avatar

      MMR June 22, 2017, 12:29 pm

      I agree with the first part of what you’re saying (being suspicious was normal), but the relation between the sister and brother is definitely SO WEIRD. There’s something wrong with everyone in this letter.

      Not that it changes anything – the LW should have dropped this guy immediately, and right now, needs to give up on their bf/gf relationship and focus on the child she’s bringing into the world.

      #babiesbeforebros

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster June 22, 2017, 11:14 am

    And I know I’m turning into BGM, bc if I could magically make in rain condoms and birth control pills from the sky, I would do it in a heartbeat.

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    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark June 22, 2017, 12:53 pm

      I just returned from a magical, mystical four day weekend in Joshua Tree… maybe if we meet up and do a cbc (condoms/birth control) dance?!

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      • avatar

        ktfran June 22, 2017, 1:10 pm

        I’m game.

        People should be taking care of this birth control business stat, while it’s still free or low cost. I had an IUD inserted last year for like $6. Which was the cost of the blood test. I’m good for 5 years now!

        Next year, I’m not sure this will be the case.

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  • avatar

    Janelle June 22, 2017, 11:29 am

    This is why children shouldn’t be having babies! Birth control please! No one in this situation is mature enough to be bringing a child into the World…and your boyfriend just creeps me out. Sadly though Wendy my ex is 43 and still doesn’t do his laundry….which explains the ex part. 🙂

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  • Cleopatra Jones

    Cleopatra Jones June 22, 2017, 11:37 am

    Sweet Lord Jesus. That poor child!
    If I could, I would take that child in because no child should have to be born in to this level fuckery. Girl, get yourself right before this child is born.
    .
    Now I gotta go pray to every God that I can think of that this child is somehow spared this foolishness.

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  • avatar

    Vathena June 22, 2017, 11:48 am

    I really shouldn’t be surprised anymore at the number of irresponsible LWs who don’t realize that having a baby is their #1 biggest problem. That poor child.

    LW, in case you couldn’t tell from the unanimous reaction here: the fact that you are having a baby is the only thing in this letter that matters. Dump your boyfriend, get child support and work out some kind of co-parenting agreement. Focus on your baby, not the loser who knocked you up and his sister.

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  • avatar

    Ashley June 22, 2017, 12:13 pm

    If you in any tiny part of you, think that a baby will bring you closer together, or magically make the sister have a less prominent role in his life….drop that idea right now. If anything, it’ll make it even more painfully obvious, especially if he takes her instead of you out with the baby, and asks her for help instead of you. Im not sure where the fixation with the sister comes from, on your part, when you have much bigger fish to fry. Like, this is super off, I’m with you there, but not worth your energy.

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  • avatar

    Northern Star June 22, 2017, 2:50 pm

    Makes me sad to compare this LW and her loser boyfriend to a stable, loving, infertile couple just dying to have a baby.

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  • courtney89

    courtney89 June 22, 2017, 3:04 pm

    Sharing a bed with his sister? NO NO NO

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    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark June 22, 2017, 3:29 pm

      REALLY?! That’s the BIG problem here? Really?

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom June 22, 2017, 4:57 pm

    Don’t break up with your boyfriend at this point. The easiest way to legally assign paternity is for your boyfriend to sign the birth certificate at the hospital. You need to be on speaking terms at the time the baby is born if you want to have that option. The odds of you and your boyfriend lasting any length of time is very low. He definitely values his sister much more highly than he does you. There is no way the two of you will last. You need your boyfriend to be at the hospital and to feel invested enough in the baby so that he puts his name on the line as the father. When he does that he becomes the legal father. If he doesn’t and refuses to claim the baby then you have the hassle of going to court and getting a court ordered paternity test. You need to have him on record as the legal father in order to get child support. You most likely will need the child support so make sure you get him to sign the birth certificate. If you were married he would automatically be the legal father but since he is a boyfriend he has to sign to be the legal father.

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  • avatar

    carolann June 22, 2017, 5:42 pm

    Wow… I’ll bet she thought everyone was going to bash her boyfriend and his sister, but she has made herself look as pathetic as them. We don’t know what the circumstances are, but we can assume that if she didn’t get pregnant on purpose, she wasn’t doing much to keep from getting pregnant. I hope this is her only child. She seems so unconcerned. I hope she has some sort of support system in place because even if she is financially independent this is going to be a tough road. So sad, but so common.
    Ashley was right… a baby is not going to make this bad situation any better.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom June 22, 2017, 8:58 pm

      I think we can also assume the boyfriend was doing nothing to prevent pregnancy. They both know how babies are made and they both neglected to use birth control. If he didn’t want a baby he could certainly have used a condom. They were both careless and now they are both having a baby.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover June 22, 2017, 9:19 pm

        +1. Somehow it’s always the woman’s fault when there’s an accidental pregnancy. If men don’t want babies, they should use every option at their disposal. Even if the woman is on BC, if the man is serious about not wanting to be a dad, he should be using a condom too. Or at least pulling out. Or both.

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      • avatar

        MMR June 23, 2017, 8:33 am

        +2 It takes two to make a baby, but only one of them (EITHER of them) to insist on birth control.

        Unfortunately, in situations where the relationship is crap, it’s usually up to the woman to make responsible choices for the baby. I seriously hope she’s considering adoption.

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  • avatar

    Ron June 22, 2017, 8:19 pm

    Anyone think the reason the sister warned her brother that LW was the sort of person who would use the child to leverage him is that this is what she did to her ex — either child or a bc ‘accident’ that he found out about.

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    • avatar

      csp June 23, 2017, 7:45 am

      He could have worn a condom and insisted on spermicide and didn’t. He had just as much control over this situation as he did.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros June 22, 2017, 8:23 pm

    The part that makes me uncomfortable is that you have a kid due soon and you’re spending your time trying to accuse your brother of being romantically involved with his sister.

    It’s not a nice accusation for her to make, but I think a lot of people would be concerned if their family member and their girlfriend created a baby after only a few months of dating.

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  • avatar

    carolann June 23, 2017, 12:39 am

    They are not both having a baby… she is having a baby. They are not married. He can choose to never have a thing to do with the kid and there wouldn’t be a thing she could do about it. The only legal thing she could do is get a child support order. When a woman gets pregnant it takes two, but unfortunately that could be where his involvement ends if he so chooses. Birth control should be the responsibility of both parties… But that often isn’t how it works out.

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    • avatar

      RedroverRedrover June 23, 2017, 7:17 am

      She’s the only one literally having a baby, but they’re both about to become parents. That’s just a fact. Sure, he could choose to be a crappy parent and disappear from the kid’s life, but so could she. And hey’ll both legally be on the hook for the financial care of the child, unless they put it up for adoption.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark June 23, 2017, 2:02 am

    Please. I bet front row Madonna tickets she planned the pregnancy…

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  • avatar

    csp June 23, 2017, 5:46 am

    LW, I feel like the tone here is super harsh. If you consider adoption, you would be an angel to a waiting family. If you are in the US, there are couples who would see you as the answer to their prayers. My son is adopted and I see his birth mother 4-5 times a year. She just dyed some of my hair purple. She gets to see my son and follows us on instagram to see what we are up to. We made a unique extended family. Look, you have ignored some real red flags about this guy for way too long and the consequences are severe. Being a parent at 35 (like me) is hard some days, but I have had 15 years to establish my career and income and own a home. If you do put this baby up for adoption, it will give you the room to follow your passions, travel, and build a life on your terms.

    I mean, can you imagine leaving your baby with this guy overnight while he sleeps in the same bed as his sister? If you break up and have joint custody, that will happen. If you want someone to talk about it with, Wendy can give you my email address.

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  • avatar

    Ron June 23, 2017, 6:09 am

    We know who’s going to pay to support this child.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom June 23, 2017, 8:25 am

      Generally it is the maternal grandparents who do the most to financially support the baby. If she does get financial support from the father he probably has a low enough income that what he pays isn’t enough to support a baby and the mother also can’t make enough to support a baby. The mother ends up getting help from her parents and they are the ones who financially support the baby.

      Her boyfriend should have been using a condom if he didn’t want to support a baby. He should have been wearing a condom anyway because they had only been together about four months when she became pregnant. Certainly not enough time to know whether someone consistently uses birth control. Not enough time to know someone well enough to know if they would like to “accidentally” get pregnant. This pregnancy shows a lack of judgement on the part of both of them and for his part in it he deserves to financially support this baby as much as she does.

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      • avatar

        csp June 23, 2017, 9:12 am

        totally agree. It is her parents that are going to pay.

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        RedroverRedrover June 23, 2017, 9:31 am

        Yep, it all falls to the mother and then to her parents if she can’t handle it. Even in cases where she’s working and can afford food, housing, etc, her parents usually have to step in for childcare because it’s incredibly difficult to pay for childcare on top of all the other expenses with a single salary. You have to get free childcare, or you have to stop working, generally. That’s why it’s so important to make sure that men are held at least financially responsible, even if they refuse to actually parent their child. Men need to realize that they can’t just leave everything to the women and then walk away if there’s an oopsie. This idea that you don’t wear condoms in a committed relationship is ridiculous. Yeah, if you’re ok with like a 50% chance at an accidental kid over 10 years, go for it.

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  • avatar

    Lisa June 23, 2017, 8:35 pm

    I don’t think you should go your baby up cause of a bad relationship just get your self together in take care of your baby you do not have to be rich I’m 28 with 2 kids in one on the way I domt work i don’t have sex for money or anything like that. So do you boo not everybody leave good advice hell they might just want your baby .only give your baby away if you really can’t take care of it in your family won’t help .cause at the end the day that’s all you really need is a good supports system

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy June 24, 2017, 6:43 am

      Good supports system is important when you become a parent, but so is financial independence. So is grammar.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom June 24, 2017, 7:34 am

      I don’t know where you live that you can get by with no income. It is pretty hard to do that in the US. Government financial support for anyone isn’t enough to support a family. If your parents are supporting you that may work for a while but at some point your parents won’t be able to support you and your children and then you and your children will be in trouble because you won’t be able to support yourself, let alone your kids because you are out of the work force. Most jobs that will hire you without recent work experience are part time and minimum wage. You can’t support four people that way.

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