He was so miserable that he has even admitted to having flings during their “open” relationship to keep from breaking it off with her; flings which I have found evidence were not simply mutual, but financially compensated. How have I found this out? I checked his phone and snooped his email, which is where I found irrefutable proof as to Henry’s continued emotional/financial support of Kerry. However, every time that I ask him if he’s gotten rid of her joint credit cards and changed his passwords on his internet accounts, he states, most definitively, that he has. Boldfaced lies every time.
Henry is a sweet, caring individual. He is sensitive and very good to me — except when it comes to honesty on this particular issue. Part of me excuses his continued support because I know he’s doing it out of a sense of duty and because he cares for her — not necessarily in a romantic capacity, but as a friend or family. I really love everything else about Henry, but I’m afraid to find an apartment with him if this is going to continue, and how are we supposed to have a future life and children together if he continues to feel like he has an obligation to her? I know he has been faithful in the physical sense, but I can’t help but feel cheated on emotionally. How do I confront Henry about this matter and make sure that he follows through? And do you think I should even bother, or should I cut my losses and run? — Oversize Baggage Charges
How do you confront Harry? It seems you already have confronted Harry, haven’t you? You’ve asked him numerous times if he’s gotten rid of his joint credit cards with Kerry and you say he boldface lies to you each time you broach the topic. Your real problem here isn’t that he’s still financially supporting an ex – though that’s definitely problematic and weird — it’s that you can’t trust the guy and you have poor communication. You’ve resorted to snooping through his phone and emails to gather incriminating evidence. You don’t believe things he tells you. At this point, I’m not sure what you’d lose is you just flat-out told him you’ve been invading his privacy and demand to know why he keeps financially supporting an ex he broke up with nearly a year ago.
True, confronting him in that way almost guarantees some issues in your own relationships, but, honey, you’ve already got major issues. You’ve said yourself there’s no future between the two of you as things stand now. How can you move in with him or think about having a family when you don’t trust him? When you know him to be driving himself into financial ruin by paying some ex’s rent? The only chance you have at any kind of real future with him — and that’s a small chance at this point — is to come right out and confront him with the information you have and ask him why he continues to support his ex and lie to you about it. The “how” in this scenario is to come right out and do it. Don’t pussyfoot around the topic. Just come right out and confess that you’ve done some snooping — you aren’t proud of it — but you found this information that leads you to believe he’s been lying to you and you want to know why. And then tell him that you feel betrayed — emotionally cheated on — and that his loyalty and obligation should be to you now, not some woman from his past.
As for his reaction, you’ll have to wait and see. He’ll probably be angry. He may be embarrassed. He may lie some more. Be prepared for the worst. Decide for yourself that there’s only one way this relationship can possibly continue and that’s if your boyfriend can convince you to trust him again (and vice versa). That won’t happen overnight and it can only begin with a long overdue conversation in which you lay all your cards on the table. If you can’t handle that first step, you might as well MOA now, because there’s no other way this relationship will survive and move past go.