From the forums:
Boyfriend stresses that we be equal in everything. For example, if he pays for a date, then I pay for the next one. I don’t have any issue with this per se, but it does seem as if it always works out that he pays for the $20 dates and I pay for the $60 dates.
Boyfriend has expressed a great deal of interest in moving in together. But, when he talks about moving in together, one of the things he discusses the most is how much money it would save him. Boyfriend currently rents a house; he has rented for a little over a year. He has not experienced a tremendous amount of time living on his own. He was in graduate school for years and lived in a dorm with a roommate. Then he rented out the guest house on his parents’ property.
I just landed my dream job. It is a very-hard-to-get job in a very narrow field. It has great pay, and it is the sort of job people keep until they retire. I’m understandably thrilled. The job is also in my town (how lucky am I?!) and a five minute commute from where I live.
The crux of this situation is that, while Boyfriend wants to live together, he wants to live in his town. He is not open to living in any of the towns between his place and mine. He has a great job in his town and a short commute. I’ve expressed my concerns about a very long commute for me. I would be going in the direction of traffic, and it is a one-hour drive with no traffic. I’ve had very long commutes in the past, and I am not a person equipped to handle them. When I have brought this up, Boyfriend shrugs it off and points at all the people we know who have much longer commutes and are fine.
I also have pointed out that, while he will save a lot of money by living together, I will not save as much because of the cost of gas. His reply to that was that he would be willing to pay a bit more in rent in this case. But, the places he has been looking at are much more expensive that what he currently pays in rent. I honestly don’t think he could afford to off-set my cost of commuting based on the places in which he wants to live.
Finally, his work only requires him to be present two-three days a week, and only for a few hours at a time. My job requires me to be at work every day and there will be long hours. Additionally, he does not know how to cook and claims that the smell of cleaning supplies makes him sick. He currently pays a friend to come and “clean” his place. I write “clean” because his place is still disgusting. He has also never lived with a romantic partner before, and I have. I’m concerned that I will be the one cooking, cleaning, commuting, etc., etc., and that his lifestyle will improve while mine will diminish. I feel that I am making all the compromises here and he is making none.
I’ve brought up the commuting concerns to him, and he is pretty dismissive. I know he feels things deeply, but this doesn’t always translate into his words or actions (so sometimes it has little meaning for me). I haven’t brought up my other concerns yet because I do love him and I’m deeply concerned that such a conversation might truly end things. — All Things Being Equal
Your boyfriend’s a real dickhead. And one has to wonder why you’ve put up with his bullshit this long and are even entertaining the thought of moving in with him, let alone moving to his town and adding such a long commute to your daily life, all while dealing with his domestic disgust, gross. All because he is well-educated? I think it’s time you check your values. Maybe multiple advanced degrees shouldn’t be as important as, say, mutual respect, consideration, generosity, kindness, shared life goals, and common interests.
Do you even like this guy? In over 600 words, you literally say zero about his personality and what you enjoy about him. You talk about his lack of relationship experience compared to yours (“He has also never lived with a romantic partner before, and I have”), but, if you’re so experienced, you should know that moving in with this guy spells disaster. Don’t do it. But beyond that, stop being a snob about formal education. Open your mind a little. Give guys who don’t have multiple advanced degrees or any degrees — even, gasp, a bachelors degree — a chance, particularly if the area you live in doesn’t have a plethora of well-educated men from which to choose. Consider that the right match for you may have qualities that actually enrich your life, and that there are plenty of ways to be educated that don’t result in extra letters after your name. (For example, I’d consider someone who is well-traveled to be more knowledgeable and interesting and sophisticated than someone who’s spent his whole life in the same town, living in his parents’ guest house collecting degrees and creating domestic filth.)
In case I wasn’t clear: MOA. Did I say yet that this guy is a dickhead and you need to aim higher? He is and you do.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.