Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Boyfriend Told Me He’s Bisexual, But I Feel Betrayed That He’s Still Bisexual!!”

I’ve been with my boyfriend for going on seven years and we have a pretty great relationship. When I met him, he was dating a man and I honestly didn’t care, but now it’s starting to really affect me because I don’t believe he’s been totally honest about his past. I used to think he only had a sexual relationship with one man, but now he won’t tell me the total number of partners he’s actually been with because he thinks it’ll start a fight. He claims not to be attracted to men, but I can’t understand why he would ever have sex with them in the first place if that’s the truth. How could he claim to be bisexual for so long and then all of a sudden change? I’m a very open-minded person who has been with women in the past, but I’m disgusted. I feel like a bisexual man just isn’t marriage material, and I feel bad to say this, but the idea of his having sex with a man really grosses me out. It makes me sick to my stomach! I’m so hurt, and I feel betrayed.

Although I knew he was with a man in the beginning, for six years I was left in the dark about his other sexual experiences even though I’ve been 100% honest with him about everything. I don’t know what to do or how to move forward with our relationship because I really feel like he’s not being totally honest, and the idea of his leaving me for a man just makes me sick to my stomach. If you could please give me advice, I’d appreciate it. Thank you. — Disgusted By His Bisexuality

I’m confused by your confusion. You knew your boyfriend was bisexual when you started dating him. He was dating a man when you first met, and he identified as bisexual. You fooled yourself into thinking you didn’t care and that, because you wanted to believe this was his only homosexual experience, he wasn’t that bisexual. No, that isn’t how it works. You don’t become more of your sexual identity by the number of people you sleep with! Furthermore, he was under no obligation to share his entire sexual history with you! Frankly, it’s none of your business whom he’s slept with. He told you he was bisexual; you knew he was dating a man when you met. You had all the information you needed to understand his sexuality and decide whether it was a fit for you or not.

The only person here who was dishonest is YOU. You lied to yourself. You told yourself his sexuality didn’t matter when, obviously, it very much did. You’re disgusted by your boyfriend. The idea of his leaving you for a man makes you sick. BUT HE WAS WITH A MAN WHEN YOU MET HIM! How can you really be surprised by the idea that he might still be bisexual?! This is all on you. Move on. And next time, believe someone when he tells you who and what he is. Frankly, you owe your boyfriend a big apology for leading him on this whole time, letting him believe you were open to a relationship with a bisexual man when you clearly were not. Think about how much you’ve hurt and betrayed him by your big lie.

My boyfriend and I have been together since November. He has his own place (a very nice brick home) which he makes payments on every month ($740.00). I have recently had some health issues that have caused me to miss a lot of work, and I have gotten behind on my bills. He helps me financially when he can, so I thought that, after almost a year of being together, it would be wise to move into his house so we only have one set of bills instead of two. His kids (14, 16, and 17) said if they could not live in their home with their mother, then I couldn’t live in it either. Well, needless to say this has caused us a lot of arguments! He says he loves me more than anything and my reply is: “But just not enough to live in your house.” I totally understand that he doesn’t want to hurt his kids’ feelings by moving my kids (11 and 14) into their rooms, but they never come stay with him and only call him when they need money. He calls them every day and most of the time they won’t even answer! I am so frustrated I don’t know what to do. He pays $1198 a month in child support plus their phone bills, so he’s not able to help me pay all my bills. I thought the least he could do is let move us move into his house. Am I wrong? Should I move on? Other than financial issues, we are great together. What should I do? — Need More Financial Support

 
You should start supporting yourself and your kids and quit relying on your boyfriend to take care of you, which is so not his job. It’s super fucked up that you want your boyfriend to fill his kids’ bedrooms with your kids because that’s what’s most financially convenient for you. And then you use his kids’ treatment of him as your big defense for why they don’t deserve a room in their dad’s home? That’s not for you to decide! It sounds like your boyfriend is trying hard to maintain a relationship with his teenage kids and how dare you threaten that bond because of your own selfish desires. Your boyfriend is not your personal loaning bank. It’s not his job to bail you out and pay your bills that you’ve gotten behind on. He’s not your safety net. Be a responsible adult and figure out another plan, because moving yourself and your kids into your boyfriend’s very nice brick home is not an option. And if you continue with this line of thinking, I suspect that your boyfriend won’t be an option in your life much longer either.

I have been in a long-distance relationship for almost two years; however, about nine months ago I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me–not once or twice, but four times–with his baby mama. It angered me and hurt me so badly that he would be intimate with her while, whenever I tried to be intimate with him, he’d reject me. I wanted to get revenge, so I decided that I would have an affair with my baby daddy (sex was the one area in our relationship that we never disagreed on). I fell back in love with him a few months after we started. I feel like shit every day because I don’t want to be in love with two men, and now my dilemma is: Whom do I let go?

My baby’s father has a live-in girlfriend whom he doesn’t say is his girlfriend, he just calls her his “shawty,” “old lady,” etc. He claims he’ll leave her, but he hasn’t made any moves to, and then he wants to always throw my boyfriend up in my face. The love I have for this man is so strong that I would leave my boyfriend for him, but I don’t think he’d do the same. I know in my heart of hearts my baby daddy loves me, but he says he’s not ready to be what I need him to be. My boyfriend, on the other hand, doesn’t want to make any plans to relocate and he is still lacking in the intimacy department. I see him about every other month, sometimes monthly, but when I do see him, I get rejected. We went on a cruise for my birthday and I got no sex. I love them both, and can’t stand the thought of losing either one of them. I want to be monogamous to one — I can’t keep living this double life. Please Help! — Can’t Choose Between Two Men

 
You don’t have two men to choose from here. Men do not act the way these two losers are behaving. You’ve got one guy whom you seem to not even like that much who chronically cheats on you and refuses to have sex with you, and another guy who is cheating on his girlfriend with you and lying to you about their relationship. Neither “choice” here is any good. Dump them both and focus on being a good mom and a better role model for your child.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy​(AT)​dearwendy.com.

46 comments… add one
  • avatar

    wobster109 September 8, 2017, 8:38 am

    LW1 – I’m going to assume you’re just uninformed about bisexuality here. Your letter flips between complaining about the number of sexual partners and complaining about bisexuality, as if they’re interchangeable. Actually they have nothing to do with each other. Guy A can sleep with 100 men, and Guy B can have only 1 male partner all his life, and they can be equally bisexual. It doesn’t mean Guy A is “more bisexual” or “more gay”.

    If it helps, think of a woman who marries her high school sweetheart and only has one partner all her life. Her number of partners doesn’t make her less straight. Or think of a guy who likes both long and short hair. If he dates you 7 years, that doesn’t mean he now thinks other hairstyles are unattractive.

    If you’re bothered that your boyfriend had a lot of partners, that’s one thing. If you’re bothered that he’s bisexual, that’s a totally different thing. If you’re bothered that he’s secretive about his past, that’s a third, also totally different thing. In my opinion the first two are judgmental: if he’s clean and faithful to you, then what impact does it have? As to the third, be sympathetic here. I’m secretive also when the other person is “disgusted” by me.

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      csp September 8, 2017, 10:53 am

      ^^This!!

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    SpaceySteph September 8, 2017, 9:13 am

    LW1, just break up with him. He doesn’t deserve to be treated like this by you. You lied to yourself, you lied to him, and you have some really fucked up and homophobic ideas about bisexual men. (Oh and “I’ve been with a woman before” is basically the “some of my best friends are black” excuse for homophobia)

    LW2 and LW3, you are parents. Shape up and act like adults.

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    • avatar

      RedroverRedrover September 8, 2017, 11:14 am

      It’s worse than “some of my best friends are black”. It’s “I’M black, but I’m disgusted by the fact that you are black”. What the actual fuck is that???? Talk about hypocritical, she’s not ok with bisexuality but SHE’S BISEXUAL!!!!!

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  • avatar

    Janelle September 8, 2017, 9:21 am

    I think I’ve lived in California too long because the only think I can keep thinking about with LW2 is “wow that’s such a cheap mortgage!! Where do I move???”

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    • avatar

      Bree September 8, 2017, 9:54 am

      LOL! I live in the Seattle area and had the same thought!

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      • juliecatharine

        juliecatharine September 8, 2017, 9:59 am

        Ditto for NJ!!

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      va-in-ny September 8, 2017, 10:39 am

      And in NY!!

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      bondgirl September 8, 2017, 10:50 am

      I also can’t help but wonder if that includes property taxes and insurance…. 😉

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    • avatar

      Vathena September 8, 2017, 11:06 am

      Seriously! But that’s actually more than my brother’s mortgage payment in rural northern Indiana, so there ya go. And also, why the hell does she know so much about her boyfriend’s finances? That level of detail is weird, unless you’re actively prying for the information in order to budget how much money he should have left over to pay someone else’s bills. I definitely did not know how much my boyfriend made or what his mortgage payment was before we moved in together, because it was none of my business. I know all of it now that we’re married, but that was when it became my business. That’s not information a person needs to know when casually dating, unless they have the explicit intention to exploit it to their advantage.

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      • avatar

        Janelle September 8, 2017, 8:09 pm

        This, about knowing his exact mortgage. I have known ex for 15 years and I can tell you his last mortgage was a range. That is a guess too based on maybe a comment I heard here or there. This is from a man I had shared finances with for many many years. She seems mostly concerned about money and what she wants not what is best for him or his children. Also, moving in with someone in a year, isn’t super fast but fast enough. Moving in with someone when you both have kids, in a year, is fairly fast. Especially if his kids clearly are not happy about the possibility. If you both have kids I don’t think you should be moving in together unless you are sure you will be getting married. It is not right to rearrange the childrens lives for anything less.

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    • veritek33

      veritek33 September 8, 2017, 12:13 pm

      I live in Missouri and that is roughly what my mortgage is for a “very nice brick” house. Including taxes and insurance.

      What we lack in culture and decent politicians, we make up for in great real estate prices.

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    • avatar

      Fyodor September 8, 2017, 1:34 pm

      You should watch one of those “House Hunters” episodes set in cheap to live areas where the buyer complains that the 200K house doesn’t have a pool.

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    • avatar

      RedroverRedrover September 8, 2017, 2:06 pm

      @Fyodor, there’s a Canadian version of Love It or List It that was originally set in Toronto. Then I guess it started getting a lot of US viewers so they moved it to North Carolina because the Toronto prices were so out of whack that the Americans living in lower-priced areas didn’t resonate with it. But it was so infuriating that one season I’m nodding along, like yes, yes, that’s the kind of place a million bucks will get you, and then the next season the people with the $150k budget are complaining that they can’t have a chef’s kitchen.

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      • avatar

        Janelle September 8, 2017, 10:20 pm

        Can you explain to me the obsession with the location of the laundry room. Never have I had a huge issue with where the laundry room was in my home, so long as it was in my home. I always laugh because it’ll be their dream home, reduced from 1 million to 100k for one day only and you hear “oh but the laundry is downstairs we can’t buy it”. I never knew people were so obsessed about this until House Hunters and Love it or List it.

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        RedRoverRedRover September 9, 2017, 11:50 am

        Nope, can’t explain that to you. We’ve had it in the basement and it’s fine. I agree it’s nicer upstairs but I’ve never seen anyone not buy a house because of the location of the laundry.

        Also, I know someone who’s been on Love It or List It and a lot of those arguments are faked for the show. Also they film both endings and decide later which one to show. In real life the people almost always stay because by the time the reno is done the other house is off the market.

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      • avatar

        Fyodor September 9, 2017, 5:11 pm

        I couldn’t see making it a dealbreaker but if you have small kids that you need to keep a constant eye on or are doing tons of laundry for a big family, I could see it mattering.

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      • avatar

        RedroverRedrover September 9, 2017, 8:08 pm

        If your laundry is in the basement, though, you can do it in the evening when your small kids aren’t around. In fact, I currently have laundry upstairs, and a 1- and 4-year-old, and it kinda sucks because it’s noisy and we usually don’t have a chance to run laundry till the evening. We’re always trying to be super quiet with it and often do it in the dark because it’s right beside my daughter’s room, and she’s a light sleeper and sometimes wakes up if we turn the light on. It would actually be better in the basement, with small kids, IMO. Even better if you have a family room down there, which is extremely common in Toronto, because then if you’re a SAHP you can do it during the day while your kids are playing.

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  • avatar

    artsygirl September 8, 2017, 9:37 am

    LW2: YOU HAVE BEEN DATING LESS THAN A YEAR!! In no way shape or form does your BF have any obligation to finance your life (and honestly his custody/child support arrangement is absolutely none of your business). Raging against his teenage kids makes you sound petty.

    LW3: Walk away from all these guys please, you were angry at your BF for cheating on you so then your perpetuated the cycle and betrayed your ex’s new GF. Also BIRTH CONTROL please, no more children need to be brought into this fucked up situation.

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  • avatar

    Northern Star September 8, 2017, 10:00 am

    Man, so much lack of self-awareness.

    LW1, break up with your boyfriend. I don’t understand why you’re disgusted now, because when you met the guy, he was openly having sex with another guy. I don’t know why you think it’s OK for you to be bisexual but disgusting for your boyfriend to be bisexual, but whatever.

    LW2: Pay your own bills. If this man has any sense, you’re gonna get dumped soon anyway, so start relying on yourself now.

    LW3: Stop spending your life with losers.

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  • juliecatharine

    juliecatharine September 8, 2017, 10:01 am

    JFC these women are each worse than the last. A bisexual bigoted against bisexuals, a gold digger, and a dumpster fire who is responsible for child.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros September 8, 2017, 10:10 am

    LW1: At first, I thought it was odd that he said he wasn’t attracted to men despite being bisexual. But then I read the rest of your letter. If you say you are disgusted by your boyfriend because he’s bisexual, then DUH, he’s going to lie about being attracted to men. There’s a reason that couples often don’t talk about their pasts. He’s 100% right that it would start a fight. In your case, specifically, he knows you’re judgmental and hypocritical, so of course he’s going to leave you in the dark. If you’re so disgusted by bisexual men, then don’t date them. I’m sorry, but I don’t know how dumb a person has to be to need to be told this.

    LW2: Financially, you need to learn how to support yourself so you don’t decide whether to move your relationship with a man forward simply because you want him to help pay your bills. You should make those decisions based on it being the right thing for you and your kids. You sound like you’re trying to set yourself up to be totally dependent on him, which is bad, because six months from now if you want to break up, you can’t because you can’t support your family alone.

    It doesn’t matter how rational or irrational it is for him to not move you in. He is not letting you move in, so you need to accept that. FWIW, a year into a relationship when you both have kids is too soon to move in. (Side note: Who do the kids live with if they don’t live with him and are complaining about not living with their mom?)

    LW3: Grow up.

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    • avatar

      artsygirl September 8, 2017, 10:40 am

      I read the mom comment as his three kids saying “If you are not going to let mom and us move into your house and be a family again, you shouldn’t have anyone move into your house”. It sounds like a bit of manipulation from the kids point, but it is possible that the BF is only separated or newly divorced so the kids could still be coming to grips with the situation.

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      • avatar

        LisforLeslie September 8, 2017, 10:49 am

        But that’s an interpretation of whatever the kids are actually saying. I suspect there is some creative paraphrasing.

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      • avatar

        artsygirl September 8, 2017, 10:53 am

        Leslie – Completely agree. It is really apparent in the letter that the LW resents her BF’s children (and more specifically the amount of money he spends on them and space he gives them in his life). It could also be the BF said this in order to have a good excuse on why she (and apparently her 2 kids) can not move into his house.

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      • avatar

        dinoceros September 8, 2017, 11:00 am

        That makes more sense. When I first read it, I assumed he was the custodial parent and his kids were (rightfully) concerned about moving a family into their home. Then when I saw that they never come over, I was confused.

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  • avatar

    AW September 8, 2017, 10:19 am

    OMG, thanks for ruining my faith in humanity today. I can’t believe these people breed and vote.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy September 8, 2017, 12:17 pm

      In all fairness, they probably don’t vote.

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      • avatar

        Comma Lovr September 8, 2017, 7:23 pm

        By the third letter, I was honestly wondering when you were just going to toss a lit match over your shoulder and walk away.

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  • Guy Friday

    Guy Friday September 8, 2017, 10:40 am

    I disagree with Wendy on one minor point with LW3: I think, infidelity aside, I’d ABSOLUTELY have the same response as the “baby daddy” if confronted by the LW saying “You won’t leave your girlfriend for me because you haven’t done it yet.” I mean, you haven’t either! If you don’t want to be with your boyfriend, just break the hell up with him! Otherwise, you don’t get to bitch and moan about his lack of loyalty to you.

    As for LW2, out of respect to my not over-reacting for being under the weather I’ll refrain from commenting on the letter. But you, LW1, are a genuinely terrible human being, and if you were on fire I wouldn’t piss on you to put you out. I genuinely hope, when you leave this relationship, the next guy you get involved with dumps you when he finds out you slept with women before, and then I want you to REALLY feel how that feels to be called dirty or be told you make someone sick to their stomach. I can tolerate those who disagree with homosexuality and don’t apply it in their own lives; what I can’t deal with are fucking hypocritical judgmental assholes like you who think the rules don’t apply to them because “Tee hee! I’m a girl! Lesbian experimentation is fun! Katy Perry even wrote a song about it! Look how impish I am!” So, with all due respect: fuck you AND the horse you rode in on.

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  • avatar

    RedroverRedrover September 8, 2017, 11:22 am

    “He pays $1198 a month in child support plus their phone bills so he’s not able to help me pay all my bills. I thought the least he could do is let move us move into his house. Am I wrong?”

    Yes, you are wrong. 100%, completely and totally wrong. He’s not able to help you pay all your bills? Why on earth should he??? They’re YOUR bills. They have nothing to do with him. The least he could do is let you move into his house? Again, why? Your living arrangements are not his responsibility. Your financial issues are not his responsibility. They’re yours. You are an adult. You are not his dependent.

    You know who IS his responsibility? His kids! And yet you seem to be upset that he’s actually supporting his own dependents instead of supporting you, some woman that he’s been dating less than a year. I’m sorry, but what the hell is wrong with you? Hopefully this guy is smart enough to never let you move in, because it certainly doesn’t sound like you’re ready to pull your own financial weight.

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  • avatar

    Fyodor September 8, 2017, 11:26 am

    I wonder if there aren’t other issues between the LW and her BF (lack of commitment, bad/no sex, etc) that are causing her to become suspicious about his bisexuality.

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  • avatar

    Fyodor September 8, 2017, 11:27 am

    I know that many of the other posters here cannot afford to pay all of my expenses, but the least you can do is allow me to stay rent free in your homes whenever I want.

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    • avatar

      MMR September 8, 2017, 11:41 am

      I’ll start clearing out my child’s bedroom…

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    • avatar

      Leslie Joan September 8, 2017, 1:00 pm

      Nah, you haven’t been dating us long enough to have developed that sense of entitlement. Or, waitaminnit – woah – I guess your being here constitutes just that kind of commitment, so I’ll have to clear out space for you and your kids. Dang!

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    • avatar

      Fyodor September 8, 2017, 5:50 pm

      I like the temperature kept within a strict 67-71 range.

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      • avatar

        Leslie Joan September 8, 2017, 9:32 pm

        What kind of a thread count do you require for your bedsheets? Also keep me informed about any dietary restrictions and preferences. We serve fresh ground coffee in the morning.

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      • avatar

        Janelle September 8, 2017, 10:18 pm

        We may have to move in together if one of us ever needs a roommate. NO ONE ever likes it that cool like I do. I am avoiding spending the night with the guy I am seeing tonight because I want to be nice and cold and he is unfazed with his air at 78. He keeps saying come over. No, no. I am going to crank my AC up and have the fan blowing on me, thankyouverymuch!

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  • TheLadyE

    TheLadyE September 8, 2017, 11:23 pm

    LW1…I don’t get it. You already knew your boyfriend was bisexual when you got together with him 7 (!) years ago. Why wouldn’t a bisexual guy be “marriage material”? It doesn’t make any sense to me. If he was already dating a man when you met him, why would this matter so much now?

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    • avatar

      Ron September 9, 2017, 7:36 am

      Because she may require monogamy for marriage and he may not regard continuing to have a same-sex lover on the side as violating monogamy.

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      • TheLadyE

        TheLadyE September 9, 2017, 9:26 am

        It doesn’t suggest anywhere in the letter that he’s incapable of being monogamous. Many bisexual people are. It seems like she’s more disgusted that he slept with a man at all.

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      • avatar

        dinoceros September 9, 2017, 11:18 am

        She should have said that then. As written, nothing indicates that he wants to have more than one partner at a time.

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      • avatar

        Ron September 9, 2017, 5:41 pm

        You are probably correct Lady E. I’m grasping for an interpretation which would make the LW’s post somewhat reasonable.

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  • avatar

    carolann September 9, 2017, 1:06 am

    LW 1-I can understand not wanting to be with a man who dated a man, but you are a bit late coming to this realization aren’t you? You had the chance to choose not to date him six years ago.
    Your little experimental lesbian liason doesn’t really make much difference. Doesn’t sound like you consider yourself bisexual.
    LW 2-?????? Wth? You just sound ridiculous.
    LW 3-I am with AW… I don’t think there is any hope for people this trifling. All I can think about are the poor kids who are surely being neglected while everyone is screwing around with no concern for giving them a decent family life. I would say more, but I would get scolded…I will leave that to bgm.

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  • avatar

    anonymous September 13, 2017, 12:08 pm

    precisely what I was thinking

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  • avatar

    LW3 September 13, 2017, 12:17 pm

    My bf & I aren’t intimate so there is no cause for concern on bring any more “kids” into the situation. I AM on BC because I don’t want any more kids until I’m married. I’ve read all of the comments & appreciate the criticism and advice. I only have 1 kid btw & I do vote lbvs. I am gonna leave them both alone, for myself & my own sanity.

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