Although I knew he was with a man in the beginning, for six years I was left in the dark about his other sexual experiences even though I’ve been 100% honest with him about everything. I don’t know what to do or how to move forward with our relationship because I really feel like he’s not being totally honest, and the idea of his leaving me for a man just makes me sick to my stomach. If you could please give me advice, I’d appreciate it. Thank you. — Disgusted By His Bisexuality
I’m confused by your confusion. You knew your boyfriend was bisexual when you started dating him. He was dating a man when you first met, and he identified as bisexual. You fooled yourself into thinking you didn’t care and that, because you wanted to believe this was his only homosexual experience, he wasn’t that bisexual. No, that isn’t how it works. You don’t become more of your sexual identity by the number of people you sleep with! Furthermore, he was under no obligation to share his entire sexual history with you! Frankly, it’s none of your business whom he’s slept with. He told you he was bisexual; you knew he was dating a man when you met. You had all the information you needed to understand his sexuality and decide whether it was a fit for you or not.
The only person here who was dishonest is YOU. You lied to yourself. You told yourself his sexuality didn’t matter when, obviously, it very much did. You’re disgusted by your boyfriend. The idea of his leaving you for a man makes you sick. BUT HE WAS WITH A MAN WHEN YOU MET HIM! How can you really be surprised by the idea that he might still be bisexual?! This is all on you. Move on. And next time, believe someone when he tells you who and what he is. Frankly, you owe your boyfriend a big apology for leading him on this whole time, letting him believe you were open to a relationship with a bisexual man when you clearly were not. Think about how much you’ve hurt and betrayed him by your big lie.
You should start supporting yourself and your kids and quit relying on your boyfriend to take care of you, which is so not his job. It’s super fucked up that you want your boyfriend to fill his kids’ bedrooms with your kids because that’s what’s most financially convenient for you. And then you use his kids’ treatment of him as your big defense for why they don’t deserve a room in their dad’s home? That’s not for you to decide! It sounds like your boyfriend is trying hard to maintain a relationship with his teenage kids and how dare you threaten that bond because of your own selfish desires. Your boyfriend is not your personal loaning bank. It’s not his job to bail you out and pay your bills that you’ve gotten behind on. He’s not your safety net. Be a responsible adult and figure out another plan, because moving yourself and your kids into your boyfriend’s very nice brick home is not an option. And if you continue with this line of thinking, I suspect that your boyfriend won’t be an option in your life much longer either.
My baby’s father has a live-in girlfriend whom he doesn’t say is his girlfriend, he just calls her his “shawty,” “old lady,” etc. He claims he’ll leave her, but he hasn’t made any moves to, and then he wants to always throw my boyfriend up in my face. The love I have for this man is so strong that I would leave my boyfriend for him, but I don’t think he’d do the same. I know in my heart of hearts my baby daddy loves me, but he says he’s not ready to be what I need him to be. My boyfriend, on the other hand, doesn’t want to make any plans to relocate and he is still lacking in the intimacy department. I see him about every other month, sometimes monthly, but when I do see him, I get rejected. We went on a cruise for my birthday and I got no sex. I love them both, and can’t stand the thought of losing either one of them. I want to be monogamous to one — I can’t keep living this double life. Please Help! — Can’t Choose Between Two Men
You don’t have two men to choose from here. Men do not act the way these two losers are behaving. You’ve got one guy whom you seem to not even like that much who chronically cheats on you and refuses to have sex with you, and another guy who is cheating on his girlfriend with you and lying to you about their relationship. Neither “choice” here is any good. Dump them both and focus on being a good mom and a better role model for your child.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.