Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Boyfriend Won’t Accept My Bi-Racial Grandchildren”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

I have been in a relationship for six years and we live together. My daughter is white and married a wonderful black man. They now have a child and are expecting another. My boyfriend is very distant to my grandchild and has said he will never accept an interracial grandchild. He explains that it is because he was raised that way. I want to have a relationship with my daughter and her husband and their children very much. But I love my boyfriend too. I feel that they are trying to make me choose between them and I don’t know how to handle the situation. I would like some suggestions please. — Choosing Between Family and Boyfriend

Total no-brainer: Even if you don’t have to make a choice, dump the bigot. Anyone who wouldn’t accept a child — especially the grandchild of a significant other — because she’s biracial is, frankly, a bad person. I’m willing to bet that, in six years together, you’ve already seen plenty of signs of this person’s bigotry, so I’m sorry it’s taken this situation to make you question how to proceed, but, now that you finally are, the answer is: MOA.

I have a boyfriend and we have been together for about a month now. He is a father of six wonderful kids whom I care about a lot. I’m a mom of three kids, and together we decided we were going to be there for each other. Two days ago he got a message from his ex-girlfriend telling him she was three months pregnant and is keeping it. My boyfriend now wants to be sure that, if we keep this relationship, I’ll be willing to work together to raise our kids. He doesn’t have any feelings for this other woman, but am I crazy to stay with him considering the situation? — Mom of Three

 
Considering that the situation is that after one month together this man is expecting you to help raise his SEVEN (on top of the three you already have yourself), yes, I’d say you’re out of your fucking mind to stay with him. Neither of you should even KNOW each other’s kids yet, let alone be agreeing to raising them. Good lord.

I have been with my partner for twelve years, and he keeps sending pictures of his penis to other women, talking dirty to them, and telling them he loves them. Every time I confront him about it he lies or makes up some excuse. (Oh, and these people are in relationships as well). I don’t know what to do anymore. — Twelve Years In

 
Are you married? Do you have kids? If the answer is no to both of those, MOA. If it’s yes to either of those, get to marriage counseling and see if you can work things out. If he refuses to go or things don’t improve, MOA.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

35 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Anon August 21, 2015, 8:05 am

    one guy two girls, one car , cliff.

    Just hit the gas and don’t stop

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  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite August 21, 2015, 8:17 am

    Raise your standards x3

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  • avatar

    keyblade August 21, 2015, 8:24 am

    lw1, this is 2015. You two weren’t born 150 years ago to get a that-was-our-generation excuse for this inexcusable baloney and you know it. I’ve known mothers that put the crappy men in their lives over their children and grandchildren . I’ve always thought they were very weak and selfish people. Is that who you are?

    lw2, Why would you pursue a relationship that takes on the demands of seven more children when you already have three to keep up with? Where do you find the time?

    Lw3, stop playing an unknowing victim. You accept that you aren’t enough for your current partner and live with it or you move on.

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  • avatar

    Moe P August 21, 2015, 8:40 am

    To Choosing…He is really being emotionally lazy as well a horrible by excusing his behavior because he was raised that way. There are MANY things my family and community taught me that I have changed my views on as I grew older. he could do the same if he wished, even for the sake of the family.
    To 12 years in: well, the reality is that out of all the women I know, there is not a single one who really wants photo of a penis. I would bet that 99% of “dick pics” are not asked for an unwanted. This adds another layer to his cheating.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 August 21, 2015, 8:43 am

    Stupidest excuse ever! “I was raised that way” is such bullshit that just means they don’t have a mind of their own and never will.
    LW2 be prepared to have a 4th child of your own with in the next year.
    LW3 unless you have some sort of arrangement that it is ok for him to do this, that is an embarrassment that you have stayed with him, because he clearly has no respect for you, and you must be a push over because he keeps doing it.

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  • juliecatharine

    juliecatharine August 21, 2015, 8:50 am

    9, soon to be 10 children and not an actual parent in sight. Jesus Christ please stop breeding.

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  • avatar

    Cleopatra Jones August 21, 2015, 8:55 am

    LW #1: Choose your daughter, SIL, and grandchild over the boyfriend. The issue isn’t that he won’t accept your bi-racial grandchildren, the real issue is that there should NEVER be a choice between a man you’re dating or being an integral part of your child’s life. CHILDREN WIN EVERY TIME!!!
    .
    LW #2: It’s been one month. ONE! And you are ready to dive in and be with a guy who has 6 kids and one on the way. Really? Girl, it’s way too soon for this kind of heaviness in a relationship, pump your brakes. One month is not enough time to figure out if this person is a good fit for you.
    .
    LW#: You know what the answer is, MOA. Any man that repeatedly does what this guy is doing to you, DOES NOT care about anything except himself. You can try marriage counseling, but hell the fact that you keep confronting him tells me he really doesn’t give a shit if you stay or go, so I’m not sure if counseling will really help you at all.

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  • avatar

    Essie August 21, 2015, 8:59 am

    LW1, the fact that you even have to ask whether you should choose your CHILD over a boyfriend, especially an ignorant ass like this one, disgusts me. “I want to have a relationship with my child…” WTF is wrong with you? Are you that pathetically desperate to have a man?

    And btw, maybe you should show this stupid fuck the National Geographic genographic study. The human race originated in Africa, and we all have a common African ancestor. This moron is multiracial himself. WE ALL ARE. There is nobody on this planet who isn’t.

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh August 21, 2015, 9:13 am

    Your daughter is forcing you to choose? How? Because she chose to marry a black man when you chose to date a bigot? Sorry the only one who made you choose is him. If you do choose him over them, they won’t be missing anything by not having you in their lives. Because, that speaks volumes to what kind of a person you are.

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    • Guy Friday

      Guy Friday August 21, 2015, 11:34 am

      Yeah, I’m surprised more people didn’t point out that ridiculous comment she made. NOWHERE in that letter does it say that your daughter or her husband have confronted you, argued with you, or done anything at all that could REMOTELY result in “choosing between them” (which isn’t to say that if they had they’d be wrong; I’m just saying it’s irrelevant).
      *
      Bottom line: either you sincerely think that what your boyfriend is doing is wrong or you don’t. If you do, tell him to drop it or you’ll drop him. If you don’t, walk away from your grandchildren for their sake, because they don’t need that kind of negativity and hatred in their life for a characteristic about them that they didn’t choose. I mean, regardless of what position you take on the issue of race, surely we can all agree that we can’t blame a baby or child for BEING a specific race, right?

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  • avatar

    Laura Hope August 21, 2015, 9:27 am

    Seriously, LW1? What did you expect us to say?Choose a bigot over your children and grandchildren?
    Seriously, LW2? What did you expect us to say? Start your own dysfunctional version of the Brady Bunch?
    Seriously, LW3? What did you expect us to say? Tell him you have a problem with his behavior?

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    • avatar

      Cleopatra Jones August 21, 2015, 9:36 am

      But isn’t the whole Brady Bunch story a study of dysfunction in and of itself? I could wax on poetically about the # of red flags and selfish acts between Carol and Mike Brady. No one should be basing their happiness/life on THAT show.

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      • Stonegypsy

        Stonegypsy August 21, 2015, 10:03 am

        But it’s such a cheerful theme song!

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  • othy

    othy August 21, 2015, 9:27 am

    LW1 – If my 93 year old, super conservative and sheltered grandmother (who WAS raised in a racist community) can love and embrace her biracial great-grandkids, your boyfriend can sure as shit get over ‘the way he was raised’ and ‘accept’ the fact that you have an interracial grandkid. If you’re choosing to stay with him, you’re telling your grandkids that you don’t want to be a part of your life. And I don’t think that’s the message you want to send.

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  • avatar

    humboldthoney August 21, 2015, 9:31 am

    Seriously #2? Think of your OWN children. While of course being in a big family can be fun, will there be any way for you to pay for YOUR kids to go to college? How will YOUR kids be impacted money wise because you choose to raise 7 kids to your boyfriend of ONE month? How will you be able to take proper care of them when you are rushing into a huge mess, one that is likely to become MUCH bigger. Your kids don’t need the drama. Your kids don’t need the stress. In reality, your kids shouldn’t even know your boyfriend of only one month, let alone have to deal with their mom getting ready to make him their daddy figure. Think of YOUR kids and what’s best for them and then maybe you can find the strength to move on and just be a mom. And when you do meet another guy, take it slow before having him meet your kids.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. August 21, 2015, 9:40 am

    Saying that he was “raised that way” is just plain lazy. There are plenty of people walking this earth who decided that they didn’t like something about themselves that they were “raised” with, and changed it. It can be done. The fact that he doesn’t want to make the effort simply means he has no desire to change. It works for him and he’s going to let it keep working for him. He is showing you his true colors (no pun intended). This is who he is and who he wants to be. Who do you want to be? Do you want to be someone who condones bigotry? Because if you stay with this man, that’s who you will be. MOA.

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  • avatar

    laura hope August 21, 2015, 9:51 am

    Cleopatra Jones– I thought the Brady Bunch was supposed to be TV land model of the successful but messy merging of families, or some such thing. I never really gave too much thought to it but I’m sure you’re right.

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    • avatar

      Cleopatra Jones August 21, 2015, 12:06 pm

      On the surface it seems that way but really it should be a lesson on what not to do in a relationship (especially with kids involved). Even when I was younger watching the BB, some things just didn’t set right with me:
      1. Carol & Mike never met or introduced their kids to each other or each other’s kids. They all met on the wedding day.
      .
      2. Carol moved her pre-teen girls in with a man she barely knew (I think they had dated for about a month before marrying). That gives me the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it.
      .
      3. Both of their spouses died but no one ever talked about being sad or anything regarding the death of the Carol’s husband and Mike’s wife. It was like they never existed. Where were the pictures of the girls’ dad and boys’ mom? So creepy just wiping the deceased parents out of those kids lives like that.
      .
      4. How could they afford a maid but have 3 kids each piled up in a bedroom & sharing 1 bathroom? Carol didn’t even work, why did they need a maid that they clearly couldn’t afford?
      .
      5. In real life, Marcia & Greg had a thing going on and it would kind of surface during the show. There were some longing looks that were clearly inappropriate between a step-sister and brother.
      .
      That’s just off the top of my head, so no one should base their ideal of happiness on the Brady Bunch.

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      • Ika

        Ika August 21, 2015, 12:54 pm

        This is awesome.

        Speaking of step-siblings, did you read the Prudie letter from the step-sibs that got married?

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      • Portia

        Portia August 21, 2015, 2:32 pm

        Haha were they making fun of the Greg-Marcia thing in A Very Brady Sequel? Because they had the hots for each other in that movie.

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      • avatar

        Cleopatra Jones August 21, 2015, 2:44 pm

        I saw a something else where Greg also had a thing with Carol, which is all kinds of gross to me. But, I’m not an actor so maybe there’s a switch they turn off & on so they can date each other.

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      • avatar

        Codename Betty August 21, 2015, 3:16 pm

        It wasn’t that bad. He was a teen and had a big crush on her so she went out on one “date” with him. It was very friendly and platonic. I was skeeved out until I heard an interview of them talking about it!

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      • avatar

        Cleopatra Jones August 21, 2015, 3:47 pm

        I ‘thought’ I had heard/read that they had been intimate. It was a long time ago, so maybe I am mis-remembering that.

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      • avatar

        Wendy (not Wendy) August 23, 2015, 10:12 am

        We always thought it was weird how the kids automatically accepted their new step-parents as “Mom” and “Dad” but there was one reference to it in the pilot, which I didn’t see until I was in my late teens, I think–it wasn’t in the rerun rotations. Carol asks her daughters before the wedding, “You do LIKE Mike, don’t you?” It’s at least a REFERENCE to the issue, and yes, they had met him.

        Re: Alice–she was already housekeeper for Mike and the boys, as I remember, so they didn’t want to like FIRE her after all those years. Obviously having them all share two bedrooms was just a TV convenience, but in my family we liked that (and everything about the show) because our housing situation was similar. (The Brady house had one or two more bathrooms than ours did.) Anyway, I thought it was pretty clear they were well-off. When did I become a Brady Bunch apologist, I wonder.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom August 21, 2015, 10:02 am

    LW1- I hope you realize that when you allow your boyfriend to distance you from your own daughter, SIL and grandchild you are saying you condone racism. You are saying to your grandchild that you don’t value them because of their race. The way you treat your grandchild will determine what they think of you. If you continue with the status quo I doubt your grandchild will be able to respect you. Is that what you want? It must be especially painful to be on the receiving end of racism from your own grandmother and when you distance yourself to please your racist boyfriend then that is what you are doing. You are being a racist to your own grandchild. Imagine what that child will say to others when they are an adult and talk about the important people in their life. Do you want your grandchild to tell others about you the way you are now? Do you like the legacy you are establishing? You are being the hateful, unloving, bigoted grandmother. Is that the relationship you want and the memories and legacy you wish to create?

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  • Stonegypsy

    Stonegypsy August 21, 2015, 10:09 am

    LW1 Think about what kind of message it will send to your grandchildren if you stay with a man who will not accept them due to their race. You will be saying, without words, that it’s okay for people to treat them differently because of the color they are. Do you think they aren’t gonna pick up on that as they get older? They absolutely will. Don’t send them the message that they are worth less because they are biracial. Leave this bigot who doesn’t love them for the beautiful little humans they are.

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  • avatar

    haggith August 21, 2015, 10:15 am

    are these women so desperate to keep their boyfriends/partners that they would put up with blatant racism against a child, not knowing how to put a condom on, and sending (probably unwanted) pictures of his dick? you know what? yup, go ahead and stop your relationship with your family and swear not to contact your grandchild; go ahead and why not having a couple of children more to complete your fantasy soccer team, and yes, go ahead and maybe you can help him take better pictures of his penis.

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  • avatar

    Anna August 21, 2015, 10:17 am

    …Where are these LW’s finding these losers? Honestly.

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  • Ika

    Ika August 21, 2015, 10:22 am

    LW 1 and 3: WWS
    LW 2: WWS + BIRTH CONTROL FOR THE LOVE OF JEBUS!!!!!!

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark August 21, 2015, 10:45 am

    LW1) The sad thing is — I honestly think that YOU are way worse than him. Hey, he’s just a racist asshole… but you are DELIBERATELY choosing him over your own flesh and blood. Do you even realize how unbelievably fucked up that is? Apparently not.
    .
    LW2) STOP HAVING FUCKING KIDS ALREADY. Trust me — your genes aren’t THAT great…
    .
    LW3) Get used to it, I guess. Clearly you don’t think you deserve any better. So just be glad he isn’t Jared of Subway.

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    • avatar

      Anna August 21, 2015, 12:48 pm

      I live for your truthslapbacks.

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  • avatar

    Texas T August 21, 2015, 11:24 am

    And letters like these make me lose faith in the intelligence of humanity. How can you not see the light when it is shining right in your face like a thousand suns?! -__-

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  • avatar

    RedRoverRedRover August 21, 2015, 2:09 pm

    If you’re ever in the situation where you need to choose between loved ones, here’s a short test you can do to decide:
    .
    Who’s in the wrong?
    .
    Maybe it doesn’t work in situations where there are grey areas, but this is clearly not one of those situations. You side with the person who’s in the right, always.

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  • avatar

    James August 21, 2015, 2:30 pm

    “My boyfriend is very distant to my grandchild and has said he will never accept an interracial grandchild…”

    Dump him. You shouldn’t even have to ask this.

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