He’s only a few years older, but his two daughters are in college and living with him. I have not met his girls, although we’ve discussed it openly. He says they aren’t interested in his personal life and they’ve never met anyone he’s dated. He has been divorced a similar amount of time. When I’ve mentioned it, he says I can meet them any time, but he hasn’t initiated anything. I told him the ball is in his court and there’s no pressure until he is ready. However, I’ve expressed that I feel a bit more vulnerable not knowing his kids.
I have to say I have no complaints in terms of things between us — he’s awesome — but life is bigger than the two of us. I’m taking it day by day and letting it go, but it’s in the back of my mind. Any thoughts would be great. — Ready to Meet His Daughters
I have a few thoughts:
– Having your boyfriend of six months spend most weekends with you and your two elementary-aged kids is not, in my book, taking things “slowly.” Meeting a parent’s new significant other by six months might be fine for a lot of young kids of divorce, but spending most weekends with that person? Personally, I find that irresponsible and inappropriate. This is your relationship, not theirs. They are young children who are in school all week and need their mother’s attention on the weekends. How much focused attention are you giving them when your boyfriend is always around? Even if they get along with him great — which is fantastic — it’s too early for him to be stepping into a dad-like role in their lives. Now they’re likely attached to him and what happens if things don’t work out between you?
– You’ve told your boyfriend that the ball is in his court as far as introducing you to his daughters and that there’s “no pressure,” but clearly this is something that’s really bothering you. Why have you used language that would indicate it’s less of a big deal to you than it clearly is (“ball’s in your court,” “no pressure until you’re ready,” etc.)? Quit being passive and say: “I’m ready to meet your daughters and don’t feel like the relationship can progress as I would like it to until that happens. When would be a good time for you to introduce us?”
– You say you’re taking this “day by day” and that you’re “letting it go,” but you aren’t. Again, you’re using language — even if it’s only to yourself (or to me in this letter) that clearly isn’t a true reflection of your actual feelings and behavior (i.e. you are not “letting this go”). Woman up and be clear about your intentions, your desires, and your needs. Don’t “put the ball in his court” when he’s made clear he’s more laid-back about this part of your relationship than you are.
And, for the love of God, don’t say you’re moving slowly when you’re doing anything but. If a guy is spending entire weekends with you and your young kids six months in — and has been, it sounds like, for a while — that’s not taking things slowly. You’re playing with fire when you let a new boyfriend become so enmeshed in your family life before you’ve established a true commitment to each other. (And you’re also right that, if you haven’t yet met his daughters with whom he lives, your level of commitment probably isn’t as deep as it sounds like you’re ready for it to be).
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.