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I guess I should mention that they were together for five years and had only been broken up for a few months before we started dating. I know..I know…it seems bad. But it happened really fast. We moved in together two months later. Things with us are good. With the exception of this one issue. I know it has to do with my self-esteem. I’ve never had the best luck with guys. I do trust him…it’s just I’m scared — of their bond, their connection, that emotional support they still have. I just wish he felt the same for me. And I wonder what they talk about and why?
When I expressed my concerns and how I felt it was messing with our relationship and how he should take a break from her, he said “ok” and told her that they needed to have no contact for a while. She wasn’t too happy about it but said fine. So for three months things between us got better. The only time we fought was when she was brought up or mentioned in conversation. They texted once in a while or tweeted each other, and that annoyed me because I felt they didn’t take a real break. But I felt our bond got stronger. Then, after three months, he started talking to her again. At first he said they would only talk once in a while, but after the first day they have been talking two to three times a week. He calls her at work and they talk for about an hour. That bothers me. He has talked to her in front of me, but they usually talk when I’m not home. And he does tell me when he talks to her. But I’m still hurt because I feel like boundaries aren’t being respected. Plus, she texts and calls late–sometimes after 9:00 p.m., and that pisses me off because I feel they both aren’t respecting our relationship.
I’ve thought about breaking up, but I love him and want things to work. I don’t want this to be the reason we break up. He told me I’m being selfish by asking him to stop talking to her. What to I do? Should I reach out to her? — Jealous of His Ex
Don’t reach out to his ex. That’s the last thing you should do.
That said, your concerns are totally valid and your boyfriend is being disrespectful of you and your relationship by keeping up the constant communication with his ex. And there’s a reason he can’t let go of her, and there’s a reason you feel like the bond you have with him isn’t as strong as the one he has with his ex. Because it isn’t. And he probably doesn’t care about you as much as he cares about her. If he did, he’d be more attentive to your needs.
I was in your position once. I dated a guy who was obsessed with his ex. They talked all the time. Oh, but he swore up and down they were just friends – that their relationship ended for a reason and they weren’t interested in each other romantically anymore. But I didn’t buy that, and for the duration of our one-year relationship I never accepted that they were truly over. If they were, why couldn’t he stop talking to her all the time? Why did I feel like he cared more about her than me? Because he did.
Eventually we broke up. Big surprise. And a few years later, I Googled him. Guess what I found out? He married the ex-girlfriend.
Trust your gut. Just because you love someone and want it to work out doesn’t mean it should. If your boyfriend isn’t meeting your needs, is ignoring your concerns, and has an unhealthy obsession with his ex, it’s time to move on. You can try and try and try some more, but if the other person doesn’t want the same thing you do, then all the trying is in vain. At some point you have to say “enough is enough.” It sounds to me like you’re at that point.
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