Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Boyfriend Won’t Stop Talking to His Ex”

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Jealousy

My boyfriend of 8 months is still friends with his ex, whom he was with for five years. I understand that he has love and respect for her as a person and that I should be respectful of his past and their relationship. However, their current relationship upsets me. In the beginning of our relationship he spoke with her almost every day by phone (she lives three hours away). I was open with him about how I was uneasy with that and I didn’t understand why they needed to communicate so often.

I guess I should mention that they were together for five years and had only been broken up for a few months before we started dating. I know..I know…it seems bad. But it happened really fast. We moved in together two months later. Things with us are good. With the exception of this one issue. I know it has to do with my self-esteem. I’ve never had the best luck with guys. I do trust him…it’s just I’m scared — of their bond, their connection, that emotional support they still have. I just wish he felt the same for me. And I wonder what they talk about and why?

When I expressed my concerns and how I felt it was messing with our relationship and how he should take a break from her, he said “ok” and told her that they needed to have no contact for a while. She wasn’t too happy about it but said fine. So for three months things between us got better. The only time we fought was when she was brought up or mentioned in conversation. They texted once in a while or tweeted each other, and that annoyed me because I felt they didn’t take a real break. But I felt our bond got stronger. Then, after three months, he started talking to her again. At first he said they would only talk once in a while, but after the first day they have been talking two to three times a week. He calls her at work and they talk for about an hour. That bothers me. He has talked to her in front of me, but they usually talk when I’m not home. And he does tell me when he talks to her. But I’m still hurt because I feel like boundaries aren’t being respected. Plus, she texts and calls late–sometimes after 9:00 p.m., and that pisses me off because I feel they both aren’t respecting our relationship.

I’ve thought about breaking up, but I love him and want things to work. I don’t want this to be the reason we break up. He told me I’m being selfish by asking him to stop talking to her. What to I do? Should I reach out to her? — Jealous of His Ex

Don’t reach out to his ex. That’s the last thing you should do.

That said, your concerns are totally valid and your boyfriend is being disrespectful of you and your relationship by keeping up the constant communication with his ex. And there’s a reason he can’t let go of her, and there’s a reason you feel like the bond you have with him isn’t as strong as the one he has with his ex. Because it isn’t. And he probably doesn’t care about you as much as he cares about her. If he did, he’d be more attentive to your needs.

I was in your position once. I dated a guy who was obsessed with his ex. They talked all the time. Oh, but he swore up and down they were just friends – that their relationship ended for a reason and they weren’t interested in each other romantically anymore. But I didn’t buy that, and for the duration of our one-year relationship I never accepted that they were truly over. If they were, why couldn’t he stop talking to her all the time? Why did I feel like he cared more about her than me? Because he did.

Eventually we broke up. Big surprise. And a few years later, I Googled him. Guess what I found out? He married the ex-girlfriend.

Trust your gut. Just because you love someone and want it to work out doesn’t mean it should. If your boyfriend isn’t meeting your needs, is ignoring your concerns, and has an unhealthy obsession with his ex, it’s time to move on. You can try and try and try some more, but if the other person doesn’t want the same thing you do, then all the trying is in vain. At some point you have to say “enough is enough.” It sounds to me like you’re at that point.

***************

You can follow me on Facebook here and Twitter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

60 comments… add one
  • avatar

    kerrycontrary March 3, 2014, 9:11 am

    WWS, if you think someone isn’t over their ex….he/she is not over his/her ex. You’re the rebound which is probably why things moved so quickly. And next time wait way more than 2 months before you move in with someone.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary March 3, 2014, 9:59 am

      Just wanted to add—I think a lot of women have been in the LW’s position. Clearly Wendy has. And the only man I dated who I thought wasn’t over his ex….well, she called while I was with him on Valentines day thanking him for the flowers he sent (WTF!?)

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      • avatar

        ktfran March 3, 2014, 10:20 am

        Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry that happened to you. But it’s kind of funny and a for real WTF!!!!

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary March 3, 2014, 11:16 am

        No it’s pretty funny now. And we weren’t THAT serious and I think stopped seeing each other shortly afterwards. But I was just like “did that just happen….” cause I could hear her on the phone talking loudly. And he was another “no, I’m definitely over my ex and I don’t want to get back with her”.

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      • Cassie

        Cassie March 3, 2014, 12:52 pm

        Wait, doesn’t every body send gifts of flowers, chocolates, and lingerie to their ex?

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      • Copa

        Copa March 3, 2014, 1:23 pm

        Did you ever find out if they got back together?

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  • avatar

    Laura Hope March 3, 2014, 9:12 am

    There are a few things in my life that I will not share– my pillow, my chocolate (well, okay, if I have to) and my man.

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    • Lyra

      Lyra March 3, 2014, 10:10 am

      Agreed!

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    • Cassie

      Cassie March 3, 2014, 12:54 pm

      Agreed. Also, my toothbrush, my coffee, and my passwords.

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  • avatar

    Laura Hope March 3, 2014, 9:15 am

    Kerry Contrary, I am not the one who gave you a thumbs down. I thought your comment was spot on.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary March 3, 2014, 9:21 am

      Haha! No worries, I think we have a mysterious thumbs downer. I don’t really pay attention to them though.

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  • Lyra

    Lyra March 3, 2014, 9:27 am

    There are a ton of red flags here. The fact that he doesn’t respect your wants and needs is the big one. Then he goes behind your back to talk to her — when you’re not home, after 9 pm, etc. That leads you to not trust him (understandably). It also is concerning that you moved in together so quickly. You still don’t even really know each other after 2 months.

    He will never care about you as much as he does her. That’s never going to change. It’s time to move on.

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  • avatar

    ktfran March 3, 2014, 9:30 am

    Things between us are great, well, except….. this one glaring issue that he still loves his ex.

    I’m sorry, I feel like being a smart ass today.

    In all seriousness, I’m one of the first commenters on here that will say men and women, including exes, can remain friends and it shouldn’t be cause for alarm. Not in this instance. In this instance, I think you need to cut your losses and run LW. Saying hello, sending an occasional e-mail, grabbing coffee every few months. That’s ok. Texting and talking on the phone every single day is not.

    ALSO – DO NOT CONTACT THIS GIRL. It isn’t about her. It’s about your boyfriend and his disrespect for you.

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    • shanshantastic

      shanshantastic March 3, 2014, 10:12 am

      Agreed, agreed, agreed. The ex is not your problem here – there is no reason for her to “respect” your relationship when your boyfriend is clearly expressing to her by his continued contact that he doesn’t expect (or really even want) her to.

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  • Lianne

    Lianne March 3, 2014, 9:30 am

    WWS for sure. If we all trusted our guts way more frequently, we’d all be so much better off. He’s definitely not over his ex and whatever their issues for breaking up were doesn’t mean the bond is gone. You need to want better for you. He’s not meeting your needs, and puts THEIR relationship above yours. It’s not fair and it sucks, but you’ll be much happier with someone who puts you and your relationship first.

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  • avatar

    Kate March 3, 2014, 9:40 am

    Yeah, this isn’t one of those times when your self-esteem is really the issue and you’re just being oversensitive and need to figure out how not to let it bother you. It’s what Wendy and Kerry and Lianne said… A really big deal and deal-breaker. You talked to him about it already, told him how you feel and what you wanted, and he didn’t respect that, so you have your answer.

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  • FireStar

    FireStar March 3, 2014, 9:48 am

    It isn’t that they are friends – nothing wrong with that – it’s the emotional intimacy that the frequency and duration of their phone calls denote. Does he talk to his other friends on the phone for hours every week? I’m guessing no.
    The thing is though that you’ve told him it bothers you…and he cares less about that than he does about having her in his life to the extent he does. Normally I’m a fan of the ultimatum but you’ve already told him to dail it back with her… and things are already back to frequent hour long phone calls between them again. That really is all you need to know isn’t it?

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  • katie

    katie March 3, 2014, 9:58 am

    so what i am wondering is what would your ideal be in this situation? never talking to the ex ever again? phone call once a week? once a day? that will tell you a lot here. and im going to go out on a limb and guess you would want him to never talk to her again.
    .
    honestly, you guys are probably just fundamentally mis matched. sure, he is probably not over his ex, and you are just the rebound, bla bla bla, but i think that you are just fundamentally mis matched because he wants to keep his ex in his life and you would rather him not. and that is ok, you both are fine, but you cant be fine together then, you know?
    .
    one question though- if you “know”, in your gut, that someone is not over his ex/you have this big issue with his ex in your relationship, why in the world would you move in with him? why was that a good idea? it would probably be good to figure that out, because you obviously arent doing the “right” things in relationships, moving way too fast, and ignoring huge issues. that needs some attention, LW.

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest March 3, 2014, 10:19 am

    I am not a person who thinks being friends with an ex is wrong or impossible at all. Both my partner and I are friends with exes, in fact, my closest friend is an ex who proposed once and we’re all ok with it (including his current gf). HOWEVER, this is just too much, too soon. I’d move on unless you want to wait for them to hopefully get over each other.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest March 3, 2014, 10:22 am

      Oh, and just to add, my ex and I still talk almost every day. We are still very, very close. So its not even the frequency of calls, etc. Its the fact that they JUST broke up, after FIVE years together. Of course they still love each other and aren’t over each other.

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      • Lianne

        Lianne March 3, 2014, 10:43 am

        Well, that AND your current partners are ok with the closeness of your friendship. She is uncomfortable and I am sure it’s for good reason.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 3, 2014, 10:45 am

        I think sometimes people can be uncomfortable with it even when its NOT for a good reason, but yea, that’s not the case here. She seems to have a very good reason.

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      • katie

        katie March 3, 2014, 10:52 am

        well, i honestly kind of wonder about this LW…? i mean, she talked about her concerns with him and he cut off contact. its not like he isnt taking her concerns into consideration or anything…

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 3, 2014, 11:01 am

        Hmm, that’s true. And it sounds like now that they are talking again, its only a couple times a week. Regardless though, this LW will never be ok with their friendship (or whatever it is) so just save yourself from the arguing LW, and break up.

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  • AKchic_

    AKchic_ March 3, 2014, 10:30 am

    Dude doesn’t respect you enough, why the hell is he still your boyfriend? I think the crux of the matter is this: You’re too scared to let go. Let go, it’s okay. You won’t crash and burn. You will heal and find someone else. Someone who deserves you, someone who will love you the way you love them, and someone who will respect you the way you deserve. Move on! It’s okay.
    Please move slower next time and these issues may not pop up so badly next time. Or you can catch them early on so you won’t have to disentangle yourself so hard.

    Give yourself some credit. Some women stay for years with this kind of BS. You aren’t one of them.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 March 3, 2014, 10:36 am

    Why did they break up? They clearly still love each other, If you didn’t live with him, I bet you would have broken up already, because now everyone who said you were rushing things with this guy is right.

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  • avatar

    bethany March 3, 2014, 10:38 am

    This really bothered me: “So for three months things between us got better. The only time we fought was when she was brought up or mentioned in conversation.”

    I realize everyone has different communication styles, and ‘fighting’ really works for some people, but LW, if you can’t go 3 months without fighting, especially in the early stages of a relationship, something is not right. Your boyfriend isn’t going to change his behavior, you’re not going to magically become OK with him being super close with his X, so you need to MOA. This isn’t going to work out.

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    • avatar

      rieux March 3, 2014, 10:50 am

      Yeah, gotta say, if she’s going to fight with the bf every time he mentions her name even after he cut her off at LW’s request, that’s not cool — he did what she asked and she kept punishing him anyway, which indicates major issues between them. I like the total lack of responsibility in the wording of that sentence, too: “We fought” every time she “was brought up,” like the fights magically started instead of being caused by LW, and the ex was magically appearing in the conversation and not specifically being brought up by the bf because he totally still loved her/had mentionitis. Not that I entirely blame her for remaining insecure, but bottom line is things aren’t looking good for these guys.

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    • katie

      katie March 3, 2014, 10:50 am

      yea that bothered me too. also, giving this guy the benefit of the doubt, if the ex is someone who will always be in his life, how shitty is it that a fight would happen every time he even mentioned her?
      .
      and i mean going even further on that, he literally cant even mention her? so he basically cant talk about the last 5 years of his life? thats crazy. i mean i hope that this LW was freaking out because of the “closeness” or whatever, but if not… yikes.

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      • theattack

        theattack March 3, 2014, 11:14 am

        Wks. I can see her being upset hearing about their relationship since it sounds like there almost still is a relationship going on, but people in happy, healthy relationships have to be able to talk about their pasts. Am I supposed to pretend I’ve never been to Disney world because it was with my ex? I don’t think so. You can’t leave out major parts of your life because of insecurity, but you also can’t be secure when there’s a glaring issue like this, so this is a nasty cycle.

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    • avatar

      rachel March 3, 2014, 11:04 am

      Well, they did move in after 2 months. So, after that, I’m not surprised there was fighting.

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  • avatar

    H2 March 3, 2014, 11:03 am

    Without knowing all of the details, it sounds like he may have been on the rebound when you two got together. I’ve seen that happen before — guys who were with someone for a long time like having that intimacy, and try to recreate it with the next person they date. But you can’t do that…it won’t feel right if it’s forced like that.

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  • avatar

    Daisy March 3, 2014, 11:24 am

    Just wanted to add a different viewpoint (maybe someone else has a similar story, I haven’t read all the comments yet).

    About 6 years ago I dated a guy for a year and a half but eventually we broke up because he was moving half-way around the world (back to our home country). The break up was of course tough, but we remained very close friends and continued to talk multiple times a week, despite our very different time zones. I even went to visit him once while I was in the area. I slept on his couch, and absolutely nothing happened. In short, we we somehow really did manage to go from being in love to being best friends (and nothing more).

    A few months later he started dating a girl (I already had a new boyfriend). For a while we continued to be in close contact, but our Skype time started to dwindle and ultimately I got a very nasty and hurtful message from him about how we’d never even been real friends.

    Years later I still can’t understand why he had to send that message — it hurt a million times more than our breakup! But I’m nearly certain that his girlfriend had something to do with his cutting off contact. And that’s something I can’t blame her for — I can see how our relationship might have been threatening. But at the same, I lived 8 time zones away and had my own boyfriend! If she’d been a little more secure, maybe I wouldn’t have lost an amazing friend (although a truly amazing friend couldn’t have sent me the message he did — so maybe it’s all for the best!)

    Anyway, I guess the point of this is that relationships are complicated (surprise!) That said, I do think there’s a difference in the LW’s case because her boyfriend was with this girl for FIVE years and they broke up so recently. As usual, I’d say go with your gut.

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  • avatar

    WAPS March 3, 2014, 11:27 am

    I don’t really agree with most of the other commenters, but here goes. LW, the only person you can control is yourself. Telling him he “how he should take a break from her” is kind of weird, honestly. If my SO of 8 months told me to take a break from someone I have known for YEARS, just to make them feel more secure, I’d start to have misgivings about them because what’s next? If you think she and he are having boundary issues, THAT is a serious boundary issue too. Also, the no calling after 9 pm because they both aren’t respecting your relationship? Calling, and especially texting, after 9 is perfectly fine if both parties are fine with it – which they are. What, in order to respect the relationship, his attention must be 100% on you or you-approved activities after an arbitrary cut off of 9 pm? (Full disclosure – I think “respecting the relationship” is a ridiculous phrase anyway.)If the way he is living his life is making you act like this, then you should probably just MOA. But I still think this relationship is young enough that he’s not 100% wrong and you’re not 100% wrong – this is part of the learning phase.

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  • avatar

    JoanJ March 3, 2014, 11:40 am

    Yeah, I’m with these others on the fighting thing. Like, honestly, if I were the boyfriend, and I couldn’t mention my ex without a fight, what’s to stop me from talking to her? Why not go full out and actually get what I want, if there’s going to be a fight anyway? I don’t know, 3 months without contact is a lot of cold turkey after 5 years of every single day. And cutting back to a few times a week would also have been a big change. I honestly don’t blame the guy at all in this, except for possibly moving in too soon. It sounds like he’s being up front here.

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  • avatar

    Lucy March 3, 2014, 11:52 am

    I have an ex that I am very, very good friends with and talk to all the time. Like, All. The. Time. We were a shitty romantic match but are now really good friends. I would never have tolerated being involved with any guy who tried to limit my communication with my friend. LW, your bf isn’t doing anything wrong. He’s not “disrespecting your needs.” He’s a person with his own agency and his own inner life who gets to make his own decisions, and one of those decisions is that he wants to be friends with his ex. Now, obviously you’re not cool with that decision, which is your right. But instead of trying to control him in order to validate your own insecurities, and use guilt to manipulate him into thinking he’s the one doing something wrong, you should do both him and yourself a favour and break up with him. There’s nothing wrong with admitting that you can’t handle being in a relationship with a guy who’s so close to his ex. But stop trying to turn him into the bad guy, admit you’re not a good match for each other, and move on.

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  • mylaray

    mylaray March 3, 2014, 11:55 am

    From your boyfriend moving on quickly to you and then moving in together so quickly, I don’t think he’s had enough time to process his breakup and truly let go. Honestly, you sound like a rebound and that this relationship will crash and burn. The behavior between your boyfriend and his ex does sound disrespectful of your boundaries. And that’s the thing, everyone has different comfort levels with exes. My husband would rather cut off contact, burn pictures, and erase someone from his life so it was hard for him to understand at first why one of my best friends is my ex. There was a lot of back and forth before he accepted it. My ex and I text a little everyday and see each other once a week, but we do have boundaries. There are things I won’t discuss with him and he respects my relationship, as I respect when he has a girlfriend. But my husband comes first before my ex.

    I don’t really feel like this situation is cut and dry though. Only time will tell. But, if this is something that you’re simply not comfortable with, I think that’s understandable and in that case, maybe it’s best to move on.

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  • avatar

    Casey March 3, 2014, 12:07 pm

    LW, go watch the movie “Little Black Book”, it sums up your situation nicely.

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  • muchachaenlaventana

    muchachaenlaventana March 3, 2014, 12:41 pm

    Honestly everyone has different comfort levels when it comes to their significant other, exes, and friends of the opposite sex; which is obvious in the range of responses to your letter. But these are the facts: you are clearly not comfortable with the level of communication between your boyfriend and his ex and he is not comfortable cutting back that communication to appease you. Neither is right or wrong, you have a bad feeling about his relationship with his ex you should trust, but he isn’t really doing anything wrong here. Both are valid viewpoints and the fact of the matter is those two valid viewpoints are not meshing in this relationship. You can continue to feel shitty and insecure and wait for him to just change *this one thing* and have a great relationship (sarcasm). Or, you can adjust your expectations or realize that facts are facts and after 8 months it is not worth feeling like this, he is either not over his ex or is interested in having her continue to be a large part of his life and you are not cool with this. You could MOA and find a guy who is more in line with you and what makes you comfortable or happy in a relationship and maybe next time, wait more than 2 months before moving in because it is really the very rare case when that decision ends up being a good one.

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  • avatar

    Apple Pancakes March 3, 2014, 1:03 pm

    Also, WWS! As someone who has also been in a similar situation, what’s going on here is not good for you. He does not respect or care about you as much as you want him to, not to mention as much as you deserve to be respected and cared about. If things keep going the way they are, he will only continue to contact the ex and eventually, if not already, will begin keeping secrets from you about his contact with her, and before you know it, the good thing you thought you had will become even more tainted. He needs to be on his own, and nothing you do or say will make him get over his feelings for his ex. NOTHING. This is not about you though, you deserve better than someone who can’t see how incredible you are. He does not see it, he doesn’t see anything past his ex, and you will not be able to change that.

    Take a step back. It’s a shame you moved in with him so soon, but you should definitely find a living arrangement that doesn’t include him! Even if you really think there is something worth while between the two of you, he will not see it anytime soon. You need to step away from him and let him figure his sh*t out. IF (big huge IF) the two of you are meant to be together, happy, and satisfied, it will only happen if you take a giant step back, and out of this relationship. Maybe your paths will cross later, once he has gotten himself together and over the ex, maybe not. Maybe you’ll meet someone who actually appreciates you and shows you how fortunate he feels to have you in his life, and you will wonder why you ever wasted so much time and energy trying to win the attention of this current boyfriend. There are men out there who won’t make you question the authenticity of their feelings and commitment to you.

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  • Portia

    Portia March 3, 2014, 1:28 pm

    WWS! Trust your gut (and the fact that his 5 year relationship ended 2 months before yours started). It might also be the case that you’re uncomfortable with any guy you’re seeing being friendly with an ex. But I think the level of friendliness here (so soon after a breakup) would concern anyone.
    I’ve been on so many sides of this: the one who jumps into a rebound and desperately created intimacy, the one who stays friends with the ex who is possibly ruining their new relationships because of me, the one who dates the guy fresh on the rebound, and the one who started a long-term relationship with the love of my life within a month of ending my previous relationship. Unfortunately this sounds like the rebound that won’t work out. If he still wants to be in close contact with his ex, talks about her a good amount of the time, and has already started talking to her again against your wishes… Well looks like you’re not number one on his list and nothing about this situation makes it seem like that’s going to change.

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  • avatar

    kay216 March 3, 2014, 2:26 pm

    As every one else has said, WWS and seriously trust your gut. I was in a similar situation with my ex-boyfriend. Although in my case, he lied for our entire 15 month relationship about who the girl was, always said she was just a friend. I just recentely found out she was his ex-girlfriend and oh, they are back together. Kicker is she still doesnt know he dated someone else for over a year. So yes, trust me, listen to your gut and save a lot of heartbreak and frustration.

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  • avatar

    SasLinna March 3, 2014, 5:05 pm

    I don’t think that there are objective rules about whether a certain level of contact with an ex is OK or not – calling more than once a week, or after 9 p.m. or whatever isn’t a bad thing per se. It’s not necessarily about how long they’ve been broken up either (although a recent break up with no phase of being more distant is a bit suspicious). You just have to trust your gut that something is wrong here. I think the most important sign that something is wrong is that your bf didn’t go out of his way to reassure you that you’re his priority when this issue first came up. If you’ve just ended a five year relationship and started a new relationship AND you want a friendship with the ex the logical thing is to preemptively explain why and build trust with the new girlfriend. Anyone who’s serious about the new partner would make the effort of at least explaining the situation and listen to gf’s input. It sounds like he simply didn’t do that and that LW’s pressure on him to stop being in touch with his ex was a result of that.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest March 3, 2014, 5:08 pm

      the most important sign that something is wrong is that your bf didn’t go out of his way to reassure you that you’re his priority when this issue first came up…
      it sounded like he did though. and he agreed to stop talking for a while too. but i agree, go with your gut if you think you can trust it and its not you just being a bit jealous.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna March 3, 2014, 5:23 pm

        I was thinking about the phase before she intervened and said he should “take a break” from the ex. At least there’s nothing in the letter that indicates he said something like “I know we were together very long and only just broke up, but I’m close to her, she’s really just a friend now and I want to stay in touch. I’ll introduce you two as soon as possible. Are you OK with this?” I think something like this can go a LONG way, especially if the ex also makes an effort to respect the new girlfriend. As an example, my bf is friends with two women he was in love with (not actual exes who he had a relationship with, admittedly a bit different) and I feel zero jealousy. The main reason for my lack of jealousy isn’t how he interacts with them but how he behaves towards me.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 3, 2014, 5:25 pm

        Oh gotcha. Yea, very good point. He easily could’ve calmed her issues about this by saying that.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom March 3, 2014, 5:23 pm

    I don’t think your relationship is going to make it. From the start of this relationship he’s been spending significant amounts of time talking with his ex, time that he could be spending with you. How you spend your time is a choice and he’s spending his time on her at a time in the relationship when it would be natural for him to be absolutely immersed in you. If he was head over heals in love with you he would have no interest in her at all, he’d resent being pulled away from you to take her calls. If he was completely, romantically in love with you he’d have little to no time for her. Since he makes the time for her that tells you that he doesn’t love you as much as you would expect at the 8 month point. In the first year that I was dating my husband I wouldn’t have given up hours of my week, any week, to talk to my ex.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark March 3, 2014, 7:39 pm

    Eh, ex- phobia is alive and well, I see.

    Truth. After my third bf and I broke up in college we not only talked — but GASP! — saw each other every day. Lots and lots of classes together etc. And he truly WAS my best friend only it was a bad match in the sack. We both dated other people and never so much as even kissed one another again.

    Honestly, LW, if he truly wanted to date his ex — why isn’t he just dating her then?

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom March 4, 2014, 10:10 am

      I think there is a huge difference between what you describe and what she is describing. You were seeing an ex during the day, I would call that friend time and it was appropriate to see him during that time. She is describing a boyfriend who is spending their couple time, their alone time, after 9 at night, on the phone with his ex. She is talking about losing their alone time when they would talk and cuddle and have sex and in general build a relationship. He’d rather spend hours per week on the phone with his ex instead of spending that time with his partner. This isn’t so much that he has an ex that he talks to but that he has an ex that he talks to during the time that they would have together. Everyone goes out into the world daily and interacts with lots of people and it enriches their lives and some of those people may be an ex but they don’t let that interaction intrude on their primary relationship. He’s letting his friendship with his ex intrude on his relationship with the lw in a way that will probably destroy the relationship. I think it would be different if he could or would limit his interactions with her to friend time.

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  • Lindsay

    Lindsay March 3, 2014, 9:56 pm

    I had a similar situation in which the guy I was dating wasn’t necessarily talking to his ex a lot, but whenever he would talk to her, he’d always preface it with the fact that they DID date for five years and were now best friends. He’s definitely married to her now.

    The thing about being friends with exes is that if anyone is friends with an ex because it would be unthinkable to them not to be, then it’s often because they aren’t over them. I have been friends with exes before, but I can’t think of any one of them that I HAVE to have in my life, except when I was still into them.

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  • avatar

    Rachel @ Reality Chick March 4, 2014, 12:25 am

    Great advice Wendy – gosh you must’ve gotten chills when you Googled the ex and found out he married HIS ex! Jeepers.

    BTW, the site is back up for me again! Turned out it was some hosting glitch and they needed to reset the modem or something techy (eyes glaze over). I was just happy to have DW working again.

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  • avatar

    BossyItalianWife March 4, 2014, 3:11 pm

    I moved in with my boyfriend after a couple of months, and now we’re married and have been together for over ten years. I wouldn’t fault LW for the quick move in because sometimes that CAN work out. BUT, this whole talking obsessively with the girlfriend thing? Bad news bears!

    I think Wendy has the right idea and that it’s probably time to MOA. But, if it were me, before I did MOA, I would probably give my boyfriend a heads up and see what he wanted to do once the ball was truly in his court. I might sit him down for a serious conversation and say, “I’m thinking this isn’t going to work and that our time together might be over. I think maybe I should start looking for my own place. I love you so much, but I don’t know that you over your ex. etc. etc.”

    See what he does. His answer (and his actions) will tell you all you need to know.

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  • avatar

    NoOne Inparticular September 7, 2014, 11:13 pm

    I have to agree that to some degree it is disrespectful for the bf to communicate so much with his ex if the new gf is uncomfortable with it. However, I don’t think it is realistic to require that your bf remove someone out of his life that has been there for five years. 8 months compared to 5 years…is (sorry to say) not much. Maybe if he cut back, and compromised, it would be better. Healthy relationships are about open and honest dialogue and compromise. The fact there is a lot of fighting going on over the ex, this relationship isn’t going to last. I think it’s ridiculous to expect him to cut someone out of his life that has been by his side for 5yrs, but I do believe it is ridiculous that he seems to be completely uncompromising in this situation.

    I could see if it were the other way around because I’m actually experiencing it. My ex says she loves me and I’m the most important person in her life. (We were together for 12yrs) But she quickly went to a rebound. Her and the rebound have settled down, and she says they barely speak or see each other. My ex asked me to connect with her in an intimate way again, but as soon as I asked her to please not talk or hang out with her rebound, she backed out of wanting to connect with me again. She is willing to say bye to me to keep the rebound in her life. She doesn’t see it as disrespectful or hurtful, and she said she will not deal with a stipulation like that. But if it were me bringing anyone from the past into my life, you can bet your ass she’d have a problem with it. So yeah, after telling me various things about not seeing a future with the rebound, but could date the rebound, and having love (as a person) for her rebound…I asked her to keep the rebound out of her life so we can reconnect. (Which is also recommended by therapists)..and she straight up let me go. I’m letting her go too. I think it’s selfish and obviously there’s more to it than what she’s telling me. I feel like she cheated on me with this person..and not just once but occasionally over a two month time span. I have no proof besides really odd and suspicious behavior from my ex. Wow.. I really went on a rant. Oh well. Good luck to this couple and every couple going to hell over selfish bullshit.

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  • avatar

    Hana January 24, 2017, 5:00 am

    Hi, I’m in a similar situation. My boyfriend of 6 months is best friends with his ex. We lived together.

    We had fights (big word maybe discussion) about his 3 times already. The last time which was 3 days ago. I gave him an ultimatum.

    Either he stops all contact with her of stops with me. I felt so disrespected and somehow she makes all my emotions come up (anger, sadeness, insecure, etc).

    The 2nd time we “talked” and he didn’t really do nothing, I went to my own place and he contacted me and we got back together. The last time, I packed all my stuff and went to my house. Told him not to conact me since he made a decision to de with the past and not the future.

    It hit him so hard, in those days he realized that he doesn’t want me to walk out of his life and begged me to stay. I told him only is he cuts all contacts with her. Honestly, I felt really bad when he begged me to stay but I needed to be though otherwise he would never take my feelings seriously in the future.

    I’m.glad he chose me but honestly I also feel that something has broken. It as too much if an effort to make him see what it does to me and for him to promise to cut contact. I don’t feel like a winner but like a loser. Eventhough, he will stop cmmunicating with her, it’s because ai pressured him and not beacuse he wanted to.

    Somehow, I can’t shake the feeling that in thr end we will break up because he might feel pressured and who knows he might even miss her and realize he does still love her. I feel a distance between us and I still feel that I have lost him….

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom January 24, 2017, 8:31 am

      Probably what will happen is that as soon as he feels you are safely back he’ll be sneaking around contacting her again. This is the third time this has happened. I doubt anything will change except that he’ll learn to be sneaky. I think at times you have to realize that even if you love someone you can still be in a relationship that doesn’t work. Also, you are finding that when someone keeps hurting you your impression and feelings toward them change. You don’t have enough good feelings toward him to overcome the bad feelings.

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  • avatar

    Ladybird February 14, 2017, 6:20 pm

    My bf is friends with most of his exes. That’s cool with me. . . Apart from one. She spies on me and makes up things about me. She is trouble. He meets up with her and checks she’s okay. This has been going on for four years. She drinks and gets angry. It hurts me terribly. I’m finally planning to split up with him tomorrow. He has begged me not to leave him because he says he loves me. I love him too, but I’m so tired of her vindictive ways. Yes, truth your gut. I wish you a happy life. x

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  • avatar

    BC March 6, 2017, 2:07 pm

    a lot of people know the other person and ex r communicating My fiancé is a flat out liar about it. He says why would I do that I love you. yeah ok but u speak to the ex at least 3 or 4 times a week for what? ok when you speak to someone for 2 min that is one thing but for 23 or more minutes what is up with that? They were married no kids and divorced. so where are we then is what I want to know or where am I rather To me it is cheating, if I was involved in knowing or meet ups that is one thing but when in the dark another. Confronting him I get nowhere so should I confront her and then what the %%%%%#### would I say? He is to stupid to know I can see the phone calls back and forth. Of course I said nothing about that then my cover would be blown.

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  • avatar

    violet March 22, 2017, 1:37 pm

    is that really what that means, so me and him mean nothing. all the things he says is not true.

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  • avatar

    Bella April 8, 2017, 11:06 am

    Good day, I have a psychological question.. My ex and big love is married and has a child. I also have a child. He is happily married as he’s informed me, but we keep reverting back to one another. We’ve made turns breaking the communication numerous times. Month or a year will go by when we don’t speak, but still keep tabs on one on other. Recently we’ve started speaking again. He informed me, that he wants to know what’s going on I’m my life and be apart of it. He also informed me that he still loves me, and I sincerely feel the same. As I mentioned.. He is married, I’m not looking for a relationship, but why can’t we let go of each other after we’ve tried so hard for so many years

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  • avatar

    Toni June 10, 2017, 9:07 am

    My story is EXACTLY the same as yours, I am shocked by reading this. I googled my well now ex bf won’t stop talking to his ex and saw your story. Mine was with his ex 10 years and they just broke up 6 months after I met him but they have 2 dogs together that just turned 10 yrs old. He gets the dogs once a month for a week, not only do I think and know they talk atleast once a day but when he gets the dogs she will call him several times that entire week all day to ask about the dogs, ill also mention she is going to be 53 and he’s 43. When I told him it was her or me he went back on the dating site tinder and has now exchanged numbers with girls I am almost certain he also has gone out w them. He lives at home w his parents still. We broke up 3 months ago right after his birthday. We had been arguing over her for months and the morning of his birthday I made him breakfast and gave him his gifts. She texted him happy birthday and he didn’t respond out of respect for me till he left which after eating and opening gifts took atleast an hour. Well when he texted her back (bec of course I asked him after he left) she was pissed then told him according to him you don’t care about this friendship or the dogs so you can’t get them. Then it became my fault. I had enough. My birthday was in January I turned 40 and the next day she called several times when i was at his parents house for dinner bec he had the dogs and she said why didn’t you answer he said bec I was over and I was standing next to him and heard her say why? I flipped I made him text her why she asked that and she responded w well you told me you were leaving her and he said I’m not she said well I don’t care if you do or not stop texting me every morning good morning and stop telling me you miss it here. I flipped out and left. Memorable 40th birthday… I should have left then. Now fast forward to now he says to me let’s just get pregnant and she will be out of the picture slowly I would never do that but what the hell is that? That’s crazy he’s also said she’s just a friend I’ve had a bond with and the longer we are together she will get pissed off and stop talking. He has really damaged me bec I know I have very low self esteem but this put me really in a bad place I’m depressed. His own mother said in November maybe you should stop talking to the ex.. she agreed she would not like it either. So I block him and unblock him I don’t want to know what he’s doing and he is full of lies. He claims he will handle it it’s 3 months now why bother?

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