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“My Boyfriend’s Ex-Girlfriend Is Still In Love with Him”

Bunny boiler

A little over a year ago, I started dating my best friend of 14 years. He is friends with his ex, “Jackie,” from before we even met, which I was fine with…until recently. We had asked her to babysit my child, and, while she was texting me about the details, she texted him saying she still loved him and still wanted to be with him. He just ignored the text and told me she always says stuff like that.

The day she babysat came, and, when I went to pick up my child, Jackie started telling me how she knew all about me because she and my boyfriend are best friends and he tells her everything. She also told me how she still loves him and isn’t ashamed to say it.

When I talked to my boyfriend about it, he told me that Jackie was lying about him telling her everything (he showed me proof). He said she only loves him as a friend, and in the 15 years since they broke up she has never tried anything with him (except kissing him on the lips in front of his then current girlfriend, but he thought that was funny so it’s okay). She’s told him things like, “If I was skinnier, you’d want me back.” She also named her daughter after his mom (whom he was very close to), even though it’s not his daughter and they had been broken up over 10 years when the baby was born.

I think she’s still in love with my boyfriend, and I am worried she’ll try to break us up. He thinks I am overreacting. Please help! — Skeptical of the Ex

To be quite honest, all three of you adults sound a little off your rockers. What kind of woman still pines after some guy she dated 15 years ago and names her daughter after his mother (even though the baby isn’t his?) and texts him constantly and basically harasses his current girlfriend? That’s cray-cray. And what sort of man lets said crazy ex-girlfriend kiss him on the mouth in front of a new girlfriend and say it’s no big deal because it was “funny.” That’s cray, too. But the most insane of all might just be YOU for allowing both of these nut jobs into your child’s life! I mean, seriously. Why in the world would you want your crazy boyfriend’s crazy ex-girlfriend babysitting your kid, especially after she texted your boyfriend — at the same time she was texting you — that she was still in love with him?!

There’s a serious lack of judgment here across the board, and, while you certainly have no control over who texts your boyfriend or who is still in love with him or who names a kids after his mama, you CAN control who you allow in your life and in your child’s life and I would highly recommend you cut these two jokers out, pronto.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

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Comments on this entry are closed.

LadyinPurpleNotRed LadyinPurpleNotRed October 24, 2013, 9:03 am

Middle schoolers shouldn’t have children. These people sound nuts! They aren’t worth having in your life if they are causing this much drama and acting this young. Think of your child. Think of your sanity. They aren’t worth it.

Diablo Diablo October 24, 2013, 11:53 am

Don’t be mean! I’m sure they were at least juniors in high school.

bagge72 bagge72 October 24, 2013, 9:06 am

Yeah it just boggles my mind who this women is telling your boyfriend that she loves him, and you know about it, but still have her babysit your child. It doesn’t sound like he is ever going kick this ex out of his life, so you are either going to have to deal with it, and try not to worry, or just break up with him and move on.

PS if he has been best friends with you for 14 years you should have known all about this women before you started dating him.

LadyinPurpleNotRed LadyinPurpleNotRed October 24, 2013, 9:08 am

I forgot about those 14 years…that’s ridiculous!

avatar Ladybug October 24, 2013, 9:14 am

WWS. Frankly, all of you sound dangerously close to bunny boiler territory.

GatorGirl GatorGirl October 24, 2013, 9:16 am

Seriously, what Wendy said. All three of you sounds cray-cray.

Why in the WORLD would you ask this lady to babysit your kid?!? Really?

Fabelle Fabelle October 24, 2013, 9:16 am

lolwut

How did you not know about Jackie throughout your time being friends with this guy? She doesn’t sound like the type who’s just been slinking in the shadows, only to pop out once you two became official or whatever. I mean, I get keeping people from the past around— but those people are supposed to respect your relationship enough to not send texts like, “I still love you!” (while they’re babysitting your S/O’s child…?) This is just bizarre.

My only thought is that your boyfriend is so desensitized to Jackie’s crazy that he really DOESN’T see the big deal? But okay, how successful would she be in breaking you two up, anyway? He hasn’t dated her for over fifteen years.

rainbow rainbow October 24, 2013, 9:28 am

To me it sounds more like he’s enjoying it. She’s been his built-in ego boost for at least 15 years now.

Fabelle Fabelle October 24, 2013, 9:37 am

Yeah, true on the “built-in ego boost” thing— detaching probably isn’t an option for him, emotionally, if he likes (& has been a willing recipient of) all the attention. For THIS long.

CurlyQue CurlyQue October 24, 2013, 11:38 am

It boggles my mind how she was friends w/ him for 14 years prior to their relationship (which means him and the ex had been broken up for a year when they met) and she never picked up on any of this. How is she JUST finding out about this? How is she just realizing that he is callous to his girlfriends when it comes to reigning in his ego boost?

avatar bethany October 24, 2013, 9:25 am

Ummmm….?

I’ve got nothing to add to this.

rosie posie rosie posie October 24, 2013, 9:28 am

I love the picture! You almost don’t even need to read Wendy’s written response because the picture she used says it all.

avatar lemongrass October 24, 2013, 9:31 am

Clearly Jackie is the one who should be with him. But only after the lw and him get engaged and she says something vain on the eve of their wedding night causing him to have second thoughts. Then Jackie will swoop in (being the maid of honour of course) confess her undying love and that secretly her child is his and then, only then, will they be together at last. Wait, this wasn’t a chick flick?

katie katie October 24, 2013, 9:36 am

can someone explain why a bunny is in a pot?

avatar Ladybug October 24, 2013, 9:43 am

It’s a reference to Fatal Attraction. Scorned woman goes off the rails and stalks her ex’s family, including boiling their pet bunny and leaving it on the stove for them to find.

katie katie October 24, 2013, 9:44 am

oh shit! haha, ive never seen that movie i dont think.

thank you! and- good one, wendy! haha

muchachaenlaventana muchachaenlaventana October 24, 2013, 9:46 am

that is so sad/crazy, kind of like this letter.

avatar kerrycontrary October 24, 2013, 9:38 am

This reminds me of a Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta episode where the man fiancé’s “best friend” helped shop for the bride’s dress so that the fiancé would be happy with the bride’s choice. Except she kept saying how horrible the bride looked in everything because she was clearly in love with the fiancé.

avatar painted_lady October 24, 2013, 10:05 am

Clearly I need to watch more trash TV because that sounds AWESOME. I have to see if that one’s on Netflix!

avatar Ladybug October 24, 2013, 10:13 am

TLC reality shows = best guilty pleasure ever!

othy othy October 24, 2013, 10:50 am

TLC is truly addictive. I watch it at the gym so it’s less guilt-inducing. “What, I stayed to run another 2 miles (but actually to watch yet another Say Yes to the Dress)”

avatar Sara October 24, 2013, 1:49 pm

I’ve run extra to see the end of Real Housewives. Yay gym TV!

avatar kerrycontrary October 24, 2013, 10:47 am

I watch way too much reality tv sometimes. Like I watched 2 hours of 19 Kids and Counting the other night (in my defense, I had made a serious decision to relax and regroup that night).

avatar Essie October 24, 2013, 10:03 am

OK, LW…..so, you know this woman is disturbed. That’s obvious. Since she’s also obsessed with your boyfriend – like, serious, needs-professional-help obsessed, she has every reason to want to make your life miserable.

WHY ARE YOU LEAVING HER ALONE WITH YOUR CHILD? What in hell is wrong with you?

She is not your boyfriend’s ‘friend’. She’s his ego-boost. He keeps her around because he gets off on her throwing herself at him. Which is kinda mean, and more than a little sick. And way, way disrespectful to the women he’s dating. Any normal, decent man would have made it clear to this woman that he wasn’t going to have anything to do with her anymore and cut all ties with her.

If he’s your best friend, you need to find a much better group of friends. Ditch them both. And for the love of God, stop leaving your child with crazy people.

CurlyQue CurlyQue October 24, 2013, 11:31 am

I LOVE your paragraph re: the boyfriend!! He’s using Jackie for the ego boost, and it’s incredibly cruel to her and to the girlfriends he’s had after her.

Mini personal story:At the start of my relationship w/ my bf one of his ex’s messaged me on Facebook trying to stir up trouble with him and i. She also sends him messages on Facebook claiming to want to be his friend, and then 2 sec later claiming that she knows he’s with me but she loves him and wants him back. Anyways the point of my sharing this story, is that every time she brings up hanging out, because of her past behavior he says he’s willing to if i’m there. He also shuts her down every time she starts saying she loves him, or badmouths me. …This is because my boyfriend isn’t going to use her for an ego boost, or let her hurt our relationship. Which is what your boyfriend is letting happen by just letting Jackie acts the way she acts.

avatar bondbabe October 24, 2013, 2:41 pm

I’m not trying to be mean here, but why is your boyfriend still Facebook friends with her?

rainbow rainbow October 24, 2013, 11:47 am

“And for the love of God, stop leaving your child with crazy people.”

+100

avatar Lucy October 24, 2013, 10:12 am

I don’t understand how the timeline works here. This girl dated him over 14 years ago? Was she two? Because y’all sound like high schoolers to me.

avatar painted_lady October 24, 2013, 10:20 am

I could see how he writes off “I love you” as a friendly gesture – I have a couple of friends I say that to on the regular, one being a dude. But neither of us has ever said, “I want to be with you,” to the other. Because we don’t, and that is pretty unambiguous language. And if she says stuff like that all the time, it’s because she WANTS TO BE WITH HIM, and your boyfriend is being willfully ignorant of that – to avoid confronting her or because he likes the attention or probably both – and you’re being willfully ignorant of the fact that your boyfriend absolutely knows what she means when she says these things.

This shit is nuts. Your boyfriend is being a total asshole by refusing to address her feelings for him – quit torturing this poor crazy lady – and even more so by dismissing your observations of, um, REALITY, as overreactions. This girl needs to get a reality check and get the hell away from your boyfriend because being around him is NOT helping her mental state. And if this is bothering you so much – as it should – you should open your mouth and SAY it. Don’t ask your boyfriend if you should be worried about her texts or say she seems overly attached or whatever. TELL your boyfriend this is hurting you and making you feel disrespected and unloved. And if he doesn’t change, stat? GTFO.

avatar painted_lady October 24, 2013, 10:25 am

Also, I really think you just need to GTFO because holy shit, named her kid after his mom, not his baby, they’d broken up, and he doesn’t see that as completely batshit crackers???? But I feel like you’re not the type to go, holy shit, all these people say leave? I should go! So, you know, if you must, address this directly with him and when he calls you crazy (haha, YOU’RE the crazy one for having a problem with an obsessed ex?) then GTFO. But really, GTFO.

avatar lets_be_honest October 24, 2013, 10:35 am

Yikes! I get being desperate for a babysitter, but wow!

othy othy October 24, 2013, 10:53 am

Ignoring everything else in the letter, I’m curious: What type of proof did he show you to that Jackie was lying to the LW about the boyfriend telling Jackie everything? How do you have proof that he didn’t tell her everything? Is anyone else confused by this?

rainbow rainbow October 24, 2013, 11:11 am

Yeah, the whole absence-of-evidence-is-not-evidence-of-absence thing.

avatar lets_be_honest October 24, 2013, 11:13 am

Haha, Just yesterday I had to say to someone that you can’t show proof of the absence of something.

Fabelle Fabelle October 24, 2013, 11:15 am

Oh yeah, that threw me too, but I forgot the mention it. “I know he didn’t tell her anything, because he showed me proof”— huh? What, was he like, “Look, there aren’t any texts on my phone saying shit about you! I don’t mention you in my emails to her!” Like rainbow said, “absence-of-evidence-is-not-evidence-of-absence” & LW, you realize people do still talk in ~person~ right? I know it seems like every conversation is recorded in a little archive, but unless someone always has a tape recorder on them, in-person conversations are still relatively confidential.

GatorGirl GatorGirl October 24, 2013, 11:27 am

Right? There are things like secret e-mail addresses and oh, idk, the DELETE button!! Crazy Pants.

avatar thatgirl October 24, 2013, 10:58 am

Holy cow…I am just beyond. So, here is my take: I can understand the ego-boost your bf gets. Having someone fawn over you is kinda exhilarating. But this is beyond fawning….this is truly delusional behavior by both your bf and the ex. Re-evaluate your choices. Seriously, take a look at the choices you are making, especially concerning your child, and make better ones.

bittergaymark Bittergaymark October 24, 2013, 11:20 am

Wendy nailed it. Especially the part about how freaking ODD it was to have this glenn close babysit your daughter AFTER she confessed everything to your bf… So… Two of you ladies. Each apparently OBSESSED with this guy for 14, 15 years? Just how HOT is this guy? Seriously. Pix please!

Brown-eyed NoVA Girl Brown-eyed NoVA Girl October 24, 2013, 12:00 pm

he must have beer-flavored nipples….

findingtheearth findingtheearth October 24, 2013, 11:24 am

Oh wowser. Your boyfriend needs to grow up. You deserve better.

Brown-eyed NoVA Girl Brown-eyed NoVA Girl October 24, 2013, 11:59 am

Is the best friend the daughter of the other woman who didn’t like to wear pants around married men?

avatar TECH October 24, 2013, 12:12 pm

Ramona!

landygirl landygirl October 24, 2013, 1:00 pm

Is it Friday already because my palm is affixed to my face after reading this letter.

avatar j2 October 24, 2013, 2:56 pm

I swear! First thing I did was check the calendar!