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“My Boyfriend’s Ex Is Pregnant With His Baby!”

I started seeing this guy about two months ago. We met on an online dating site and the first time we met in person was like magic. We have a really deep connection and care a lot about each other. Just a couple days ago, he sent me a text saying his day just got very weird. I asked him why and he responds with: “We may need to talk.” He tells me the short version: that his ex is pregnant and has been waiting to tell him for the last three months (they broke up about three months ago).

I’m studying counseling in school, so I know how to handle the situation, but I have a hard time helping myself. So, I guess my question is: where do I go from here? I want to remain in this relationship with my boyfriend, but I don’t want his ex to hate me for it and I don’t know if I’m ready to be a second mommy. — Not Ready for Step-Motherhood

Your boyfriend and his ex broke up before you started dating him; you’d been together for two months before he even discovered his ex was pregnant with a baby that, quite frankly, may or may not be his. There’s no justifiable reason for the ex to “hate” you for being with your boyfriend. You’ve done nothing wrong and you’d be betraying no one by staying with him.

That said, you have some things you need to think about if you do decide to stick it out with him. First of all, it’s important to remember that you wouldn’t be jumping into being a “second mommy” to this baby. You’re still just getting to know your boyfriend, so mothering this baby who isn’t due yet for a few more months (I’m assuming), isn’t on the docket. If anything, you’d be a support to your boyfriend as he navigates new fatherhood. Your interaction with the baby would likely be pretty limited until you and your boyfriend become more serious. And you’ve only been with him for two months, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

If I were you, I’d slow things down with the guy. Give him some time and space to figure out his next steps. Be a friend to him during this time, but let your romance cool down a little until the dust of this new development settles. He should probably have a paternity test done to make sure the baby is even his, and while he and his ex figure out how best to co-parent this child, you can take some time to decide whether the investment you’ve made in your relationship thus far and the connection you have with this guy is worth some of the compromises you’ll have to make to be with someone who’s adjusting to the demands of fatherhood and staying in constant contact with his most recent ex.

The early months of a relationship are a time to get to know one another, lay the foundation for a potential future together and decide whether you’re a match in terms of goals, personality and what you’re looking for in a significant other. A baby — even if you were the one carrying it instead of his ex — will greatly change the ability to mindfully achieve these steps. Beware of jumping into a situation you haven’t fully “vetted” for lack of a better term. Insta-families have a way of creating an intimacy and closeness that may not have organically developed on its own, so don’t be shy about slowing things down if it feels like your boyfriend is speeding things up. Likewise, if it seems he simply doesn’t have the attention and focus to devote to you right now, its OK to take a break from the relationship and tell him to get back in touch when things settle down for him a bit.

The important thing right now is to look after yourself. With only two months invested in this relationship, it’s not like the boyfriend’s interests are going to be with you first. He’s suddenly got this child to think about and that’s where his focus is (rightfully) going to be for the foreseeable future. If at any time, you feel cheated or like you don’t have enough of a foundation together to make the sort of compromises you’ll have to make, get out. If you’re meant to be, you can always get back together later. And if not, you’ll have an opportunity to find someone with less drama in his life.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

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{ 109 comments… add one }

  • avatar kerrycontrary July 5, 2011, 3:13 pm

    I actually disagree with Wendy on this one. I would get out now. This is probably more drama than you want to take on, especially when you’ve only been with someone for 2 months. I agree that your boyfriend should get a paternity test, but if this baby is actually his then you will be there for his weekends with the baby, all of the family events where you will have to see his ex, his family, her family. It’s a lot for being this early on in a relationship. Dealing with ex girlfriends can be dramatic in itself, but dealing with a pregnant ex? And you didn’t even mention how your boyfriend feels about this. He may want to get back with his ex. How long were they together? You started dating pretty quickly after they broke up so he may have not even been looking for a serious relationship with you. I feel like this is a pretty recent development, so he may need to take time to think things over before you even get a chance to react. But if it were me…I would run because this seems like a recipe for disaster.

    • avatar ReginaRey July 5, 2011, 3:25 pm

      “You started dating pretty quickly after they broke up so he may have not even been looking for a serious relationship with you.”

      YES. It seems that this guy was single for maybe 4 weeks before he started dating the LW. IMO, that makes her a rebound. I really, really doubt that he was looking for a super serious relationship 4 weeks prior to ending a relationship, and I also doubt that a guy with a baby on the way with his ex-girlfriend is going to want to ALSO foster a relationship with the rebound girl. Wayyy too much to handle. I would also advise her to get out now.

    • avatar SpaceySteph July 5, 2011, 3:26 pm

      I tend to agree. I think Wendy was hinting at that by saying to be his friend but cool the romance down, as well as to get out if it seems like too much.

      Also if the LW is a traditional student then she’s early 20′s, very young to be in this scenario. If she’s older (like mid 30s) then I think I would say to stay in it, but at such a young age and trying to get through school, and with only 2 months into the relationship (plus you may be right about the rebound with it being only a month after they broke up)… alot of odds stacked against a happy, healthy relationship.

      I think the right thing is to cool it off completely until he has a chance to figure out how the baby will factor into his life, let him and his baby mama establish their own routine and boundaries, before putting yourself into the mix. If he still wants you a few months after the baby is born, then yay! If he doesn’t, then likely he would have broken it off with you if you hadn’t bowed out, only you would be several months more invested in the relationship.

  • avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 3:14 pm

    Question: How do you “care a lot about” someone you’ve known two months? I understand the attraction, maybe even the connection thing. But honestly, you’ve known this guy 8 weeks. You don’t know his ex, don’t know anything, if you’re interested in staying with this guy, ask him questions. Wendy’s right, maybe the baby isn’t his, maybe the baby is made-up & his ex is a physco trying to “win him back.”
    Point is, you don’t really know this guy. The choice is yours.

    • avatar El July 5, 2011, 3:28 pm

      I think its reasonable to care for someone in that timefra
      me. Its not like she’s claiming to have “fallen in love” after 2 weeks like the LW from this morning.

      • avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 3:39 pm

        No, sorry, I dont’ agree. Attraction, connection, yes. But to “care” about someone you need to know that person. They had no prior knowledge of each other until they met on the website.

        • avatar Rachelgrace53 July 5, 2011, 4:24 pm

          Sorry but two months is PLENTY of time to know someone enough to care about them. Especially if they had a strong connection right away and their relationship has been on the fast track and they are spending lots of time together.

          • avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 4:37 pm

            Ahh, yes, the fast track & when is “the fast track” ever a good thing for a relationship?? Obviously not such a good thing when you find out your boyfriend has a baby on the way with his ex.
            I think after only two months, she’s more than capable of cutting her losses, SORRY BUT two months to “deeply care” about some, uh uh. I don’t see that.

            • bittergaymark bittergaymark July 8, 2011, 2:00 pm

              Hah! Hilarious! The fact that so many thumbs down you, simply proves why there is such a need for websites such as this. Seriously. Think about it.

              • avatar LTC039 July 8, 2011, 2:13 pm

                I tried to impose logical reasoning in my comment! Everyone hated it! :)

        • avatar Morgan July 5, 2011, 4:54 pm

          Would you say you can’t deeply care about a friend after two months of friendship?

          • avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 6:41 pm

            No I wouldn’t. Just because the person is a friend vs a love interest doesn’t make a difference. So, nice try with that one.

            • avatar Rachelgrace53 July 6, 2011, 3:40 am

              Be condescending all you want. The purple thumbs speak for themselves.

              • avatar LTC039 July 6, 2011, 8:31 am

                Hahaha! Honestly I say what I truly believe, purple thumbs or not. I don’t really care. If people don’t like what I have to say, that’s fine, I disagree with a lot of things on here too. But once again, thank you & nice try! :)

                • bittergaymark bittergaymark July 8, 2011, 2:01 pm

                  Maybe if people DIDN’T rush so into love like vacuous idiots after a mere couple of months, so many of their lives wouldn’t be in such obvious ruins… Just a thought.

    • landygirl Landygirl July 5, 2011, 5:33 pm

      I agree with you. People watch too much tv, they think that the express track to love is the only way to go. Love takes time (thanks Mariah). Slow down people, if it’s actual love, it will last without having to rush things.

      • avatar El July 5, 2011, 6:15 pm

        She never said that she loved him. She said that they cared for eachother, which is an appropriate emotion when you have chosen to participate in an exclusive relationship with someone, regardless of how long said exclusive relationship has existed.

        • avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 6:42 pm

          Good luck with “caring deeply” about everyone you encounter just because “time doesn’t matter” Let me know how that works out for you!

          • avatar El July 5, 2011, 6:52 pm

            Its working fabulously…thanks for asking! :)

            • avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 6:58 pm

              I’m sure it is, over there in cupcakes & rainbows fantasy land!

        • landygirl Landygirl July 5, 2011, 7:08 pm

          Everything is all roses at the beginning, but when you rush into something, you don’t have a base on which to form a stable relationship. She is creating all this stuff in her head about this guy that may or may not be true. 2 months isn’t really a sufficient amount of time to get to know someone, let alone deal with the LW’s situation.

          • avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 7:14 pm

            Thank you! Someone with some sense! That’s what I meant, the way I worded it was too easily misconstrued by some people…

            • avatar moonflowers July 5, 2011, 8:45 pm

              I don’t know why you’re getting so many red thumbs, but my personal experience has also taught me to be more patient. About the three month mark is when the happy hormones come down and all the stresses of life come back into sharp focus again. And that’s when you can finally figure out if a relationship has legs. Only under pressure do you really get to see what a relationship’s strengths and weaknesses are – it’s too easy to be nice and afffable when life is going well!

              • avatar Marie July 5, 2011, 9:03 pm

                Haha. I’ve been with my boyfriend since March and we’re still in that “everything is roses” phase of our relationship!Granted,I have known him for nearly 2 years,but we’ve only been dating for 4 months.I wonder when we’ll start dealing with the actual stresses?And since we’re only 21,I’m sure there will be plenty :P

                Jumping into relationships is a bad idea.My best friend met a guy at a club (he was drunk) and he called her the next day.They went out twice and then they were in a relationship. They will have been together for 3 years this September.And it is the most (almost laughably) dysfunctional relationship I have witnessed.It’s like watching a bad soap opera.

              • avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 9:20 pm

                I know! I stand by what I say. I’m sorry but two months is not very long, it’s not two weeks but it’s still only two months. I don’t think you can really know someone until a certain lengthy amount of time has past. I’ve been with my bf 3 yrs & I’m still learning about who he is! But I felt that this “baby mama drama” isn’t worth it if she’s only known the guy 2 months (no prior friendship, etc). I clearly said it’s up to her to decide, but at two months, I think it’s worth more to just get out. I’m glad you see my point.

                • avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 9:28 pm

                  **a lengthy amount of time**

                • avatar Marie July 5, 2011, 9:28 pm

                  Agreed,its a huge bombshell to deal with at only 2 months.I said below that if she wants to consider a relationship with him in the future(that is,if both of them are still available) that’s absolutely fine,but for now,both of them need space.

                  • avatar Marie July 5, 2011, 9:29 pm

                    Yeah,two weeks is a lot less than two months…I was just demonstrating getting into relationships without knowing one another!

                  • avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 9:47 pm

                    I completely agree with you & am happy you see my point. WAY too big of a burden for a two month relationship!

    • avatar Fairhaired Child July 6, 2011, 1:31 am

      I can see your point but I also feel like some people (though they can be very easily taken advantage of) do truely feel like they care a lot about many people that they have met for only a short amount of time (either two weeks or a few months whatever). I’m a very loving person myself, and used to be WAY more trusting and way more willing to give my shirt off my back to someone because I honestly CARED about their wellbeing as a person, a human being on the planet. I use the term cared as in, if something terrible were to happen to said person like getting hit by a bus and killed, I would feel really upset at the loss of a life, and wish that I had been able to know them better and longer. Now I still care a lot about people but I’m a less likely (in my mind) to be taken advantage of by people who obviously don’t give two shits about any one else in the world.

      I think the LW is using cared in the sense that she feels some kind of emotional attachment or connection to him, and that if say he were to get sick with a cold, she’d be willing to bring him medicine or soup because she cares about him getting healthy again.

      However you are very correct in the fact that two months is not enough time to get to know a person and to figure out how much dedication there is in any relationship (friendship, sexual etc). The first few months is all about asking questions and learning about all the little things that makes a person tick. And what you may or may not like/be able to put up with. (ie does he not wash his hands when he uses the restroom, does he leave pizza out in the living room for two days then go “oh score” and eat two-day-old-non-refrigerated or bagged pizza etc)

      I don’t think this is a solid enough relationship for her to have to decide if she can deal with a potential babymamma drama added onto their newly budded romance. I think Wendy’s advice is spot on with this is a lot to take on early in a relationship that doesn’t have a lot of foundation. Also you are right about the “fake baby” thing, or that maybe even if she IS pregnant, she did it on purpose just to make sure she could keep him (I had a friend who decided that when things started going south with her relationship that she’d just get knocked up “accidentally” by him and then HE’D HAVE TO STAY – crazzzzzzy)

      • avatar LTC039 July 6, 2011, 8:35 am

        I think you said what I really meant in a much nicer way. Maybe that’s why people got all cray-cray & “OMG HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT!”
        Very well said, FairhairedChild!

  • avatar katiebird July 5, 2011, 3:16 pm

    I usually agree with Wendy’s advice……but not this time. LW, I really think you should MOA. You’ve only been with him for 2 months. I would get out now before you get sucked so far into all this drama that you have no way out.

  • TaraMonster TaraMonster July 5, 2011, 3:17 pm

    Why did his ex wait until she was three months pregnant to tell him? Did she not know how to approach it? Was she making sure she wanted to keep the baby? I may be completely off on this one, but one other possibility in this scenario is that the ex isn’t pregnant at all, and just smells that new girlfriend scent in the air. I think Wendy’s advice applies to this as well- cool things down for a while while he sorts through whatever is going on. I guess I just thought the “his ex might hate me” line was odd.

    Assuming there IS a baby on the way, and I were in your shoes, I’d MOA. The situation just reeks of drama and you’ve only known the guy for two months. But that’s just me. I wouldn’t want to deal with the inevitable baby mama headaches.

    • avatar Laurel July 5, 2011, 3:26 pm

      Agreed on all points.

    • avatar camille905 July 5, 2011, 3:29 pm

      Well for probably at least a month of those three she probably didn’t know she was pregnant. And then she was probably deciding what to do when she did find out. If she’s 3 months pregnant now, that means in most dates she can no longer have an abortion which means she’s keeping it. if she didn’t decide to keep it, she may have never contacted him.

      • TaraMonster TaraMonster July 5, 2011, 3:34 pm

        Yeah, I figured that could be the case as well. It’s also a possibility that the ex decided to keep the baby BECAUSE she realized he was seeing someone else. I just think there are too many messy scenarios in this situation. He may be a great guy, but the timing/situation is just too much strain for a budding relationship, IMHO.

    • avatar Vegas SodaPop July 5, 2011, 6:02 pm

      I’ve been in almost the exact situation as the LW (except that my man’s ex left him a few days after learning she was pregnant) The “ex might hate me” is more valid concern than you think. I didn’t see a reason for his ex to hate me either – she left him, she left the state, she made it clear that their relationship was over (I saw the e-mails and texts). Yet, when she learned thru the grapevine (facebook) that he had a new lady, she flipped out. She stopped giving him updates about the pregnancy, refused to respond to his inquiries, didn’t even let him know when the baby was born. After some months had passed she brought the baby here to visit with her family. She called my hunny to let him know she was in town and offered to let him visit for a few minutes. She showed up for the visit, told my hunny that she was still in love with him and wanted him back. He told her that was no longer possible, he was now engaged to someone else (me). She wigged out again – started calling at all hours, obviously intoxicated, being mean and vulgar, calling me many nasty names. She accused me of breaking up her family – and has not let my hunny have any access to the child since then. To say that she hates me is an understatement. He pays child support, and she will not let him see the baby out of spite. So, to say that the ex has no reason to hate her may be true – but doesn’t mean that the ex won’t hate her anyway…..

      • avatar Vegas SodaPop July 5, 2011, 6:07 pm

        …..Just ancedotal evidence that someone can hate someone else without having valid reasons – especially in such a sensitive situation as this.

        • avatar Vegas SodaPop July 5, 2011, 6:11 pm

          See….just like these purple thumbs – no good reason for them, but there they are LMFAO!

          • avatar Vegas SodaPop July 5, 2011, 6:15 pm

            Rose…is that you?

            • avatar Vegas SodaPop July 5, 2011, 6:18 pm

              I’ll take that as a yes ROFLMFAO

              • avatar lk July 5, 2011, 10:09 pm

                I also am laughing at this… I can’t see any reason for the purple thumbs to come out… Anyway, best of luck! Seriously think that is hilarious… Is that your BF’s ex and her whole posse? LOL : )

                • avatar fallonthecity July 5, 2011, 11:23 pm

                  It has to be!

      • avatar Britannia July 5, 2011, 7:27 pm

        I think it’s more likely than not that the ex will hate the LW. I too have been in a virtually identical situation (honestly, I could have written this letter 3 years ago), and his baby mama wanted him to support her and love her and marry her, and be there for the baby. She hated me with a vengeance because she thought that if I was out of the picture, he’d definitely succumb to her wishes. She sent me threatening text messages, showed up to parties where he and I would be, and literally spat at me one time in a fit of rage.

        It makes sense that this girl will want her baby’s daddy to be in a relationship with her. It also thusly makes sense that she will place the blame of NOT having LW’s boyfriend as her boyfriend on the LW.

        Frankly, I’d just MOA IMMEDIATELY. Let this guy “do the right thing” and be focused on his baby. Urge him to get a paternity test, but leave it at that. A baby is a huge game changer and he doesn’t really need the added drama of having a new girlfriend and an unhappy baby mama. Maybe once the baby is born and this guy figures out what role he really wants to play in his child’s life, you two could revisit the idea of being in a relationship together.

        • TaraMonster TaraMonster July 5, 2011, 10:05 pm

          I agree that the ex might hate her. I think that it’s odd the LW wrote that since it may indicate she already knows how the preggo ex may react. Maybe her bf has repeated something to her. I don’t know, but I’m definitely not arguing that the pregnant ex would NOT be upset. I’m not presuming to know what the ex feels at all. For all we know she’s a normal chick who feels stressed and nervous about impending motherhood, I just don’t think this is something the LW should stick around to find out.

  • avatar justpeachy July 5, 2011, 3:22 pm

    Even if you don’t want to completely MOA from this guy, at least take a break from him. Give him time to figure out if he is the father, and if he is the father, what kind of role he’ll have in the kid’s life and how he’ll deal with the ex. Once everything is straightened out, in at least a year if he is the father, consider dating him then.

  • avatar Yozi July 5, 2011, 3:22 pm

    Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun.

    • avatar Kate July 5, 2011, 3:34 pm

      Took the word out of my mouth.

  • avatar camille905 July 5, 2011, 3:27 pm

    Wow. I’m kind of surprised by all the negative comments. I think at two months, you at least have a general idea of where you’re heading with someone, sort of like how you can tell by half way through the first date whether or not you want to go out with someone again. If I found out my boyfriend (who I’ve been seeing for two months) had a baby on the way, I wouldn’t ditch him. I would probably listen to Wendy and cool things down a bit to see how things were going.

    A paternity test is DEFINITELY number one on the list. If it turns out he is the father, the LW needs to have a conversation with her boyfriend about expectations, etc. Also, the ex probably isn’t going to her hate her unless she’s crazy.

    Everyone comes with baggage, it’s just a matter of deciding whether or not that person is worth the weight.

    • avatar TheOtherMe July 5, 2011, 3:32 pm

      I agree Camille but it’s not just a question of her wanting to stay with him, it doesn’t say in the letter anything about him wanting to stay with her. That’s what would make me scared to go forward.

    • avatar Yozi July 5, 2011, 3:33 pm

      People should deal with this kind of drama on their own. No third party deserves to be dragged into what’s about to go down. Please, LW, leave now before you loose years of your life to this.

  • avatar TheOtherMe July 5, 2011, 3:27 pm

    I also think I would M.O.A.
    This definitely puts a whole new twist on things. I think if it were me, I would be scared to get too involved and then he decides to go back to her because of the baby. But that’s just me.

    • avatar Jan July 6, 2011, 6:05 pm

      This happened to me. He didn’t choose to get back together with her because of the baby, per se, but they had spent so much time together talking about how to handle the situation that they developed feelings for each other again. They’re married now.

  • avatar SpaceySteph July 5, 2011, 3:31 pm

    I’m with everyone suggesting the ex might be a psycho liar (about the baby being his or there being a baby at all). Whatever the truth, this is not something that will improve your fledgling relationship. Give him a chance to sort out his life before you become a factor in it.

  • avatar demoiselle July 5, 2011, 3:53 pm

    Why on earth are Wendy and other posters acting all paranoid about whether the baby is really the boyfriend’s? Of course, a paternity test is a good idea, but there is no suggestion in the letter that the LW or her boyfriend thinks his ex is being untruthful. Why jump on the evil ex bandwagon when there is no reason to think she’s a psycho man-trapping pathological liar:-)? The situation here seems common enough, so I don’t understand the knee-jerk, low level hostility towards the ex, who is in a really uncomfortable situation–pregnant and alone.

    • avatar spaceboy761 July 5, 2011, 4:14 pm

      For all we know, the BF knocked her up and bailed.

      • avatar TheOtherMe July 5, 2011, 4:15 pm

        Oh you just love to add fuel to the fire don’t you ;)

        • avatar spaceboy761 July 5, 2011, 4:54 pm

          I’m just saying that we shouldn’t be working on the assumption that the ex is a psychotic man-trapping bitch. We have no idea.

          • avatar Maracuya July 5, 2011, 5:23 pm

            I’m in complete agreement with this thread. Nowhere did the LW even hint at the crazy. I think she should just MOA since it seems like a lot of baby daddy drama to be dealing with in your (I’m guessing) early 20s.

  • avatar JJ July 5, 2011, 3:54 pm

    LW-I would MOA as well. I have had to deal with my boyfriend’s ex and while I haven’t met her (thank goodness), she has done nothing except spread lies about different things and just being a total psycho bitch. Both my boyfriend and I had to change our numbers and block her on everything. She’s a few years younger than me and she is full of delusions and craziness. I will be moving in with my boyfriend in just a few short weeks and I am so glad that we will be at least three hours from where she is. My point is that you should just move on. It’s just going to worse as time passes and trust me, you don’t want to be involved with that. Let him deal with his issues. Two months is not enough to deal with this drama. I still have a fear that I will run into her because it will get ugly. Leave as soon as possible.

    • avatar Morgan July 5, 2011, 4:51 pm

      If this ex turns out to be like your boyfriend’s ex, then I certainly agree with most of what you said (and sorry you had to deal with that, btw. Geez. Glad you’re able to move away). But nothing in this letter indicates that his ex is like this. She could just be alone, kinda scared, and not sure what to do, but sure she wants to keep the baby and sure the father at least has a right to know the kid exists. Or it could be not his but she wants him back, or she could be delusional and making it up, or it could be his and she’s a psycho who is going to make this man and the LW’s lives hell. But it is possible that the ex will handle the situation with class and try to make this work as amicably as the situation allows. I wouldn’t recommend the LW flee on account of the ex alone, until the ex does something to indicate fleeing is called for.

      • avatar JJ July 5, 2011, 5:18 pm

        Yes while it is true that the ex may handle this with class, there is still that possibility that she just wants to create trouble. We don’t know the whole story, just what we know about the boyfriend and the LW. Also, the boyfriend moved on pretty quick from his ex girlfriend and maybe he did know that she was pregnant or maybe he didn’t. There are a lot of possibilities to this situation and I do hope that we get an update from the LW to see how she handled it.

  • avatar SGMcG July 5, 2011, 4:34 pm

    Irregardless of whether you’re ready for step-mommyhood or not, your boyfriend, the minute he found out his ex was pregnant, is a father. I don’t know how involved a father your boyfriend will be or not (heck, for all we know the ex may be lying), but if he acknowledges his responsibility and agrees to put his name on the birth certificate, he is a father. It is up to him to decide whether he wants to be an involved father or not, but as of this moment, your relationship with him is now automatically a notch lower on the importance scale.

    LW, in the two months you’ve known him, is knowing that you’re less important now something you can deal with? Have you talked to your boyfriend yet as to what he wants to do? Because no matter what he decides regarding fatherhood, be sure to support him in his desire for involvement or resolution regarding the child. Whether you should MOA or not from the situation is really not up to me though – I don’t know how good of a relationship you have with your boyfriend.

    Personally, if it were me, I would MOA because if someone is having sex without a condom in this day and age with all the known potential consequences that could happen, that’s a dealbreaker for me. I don’t care if they were in a committed relationship or not. I just couldn’t be with someone so irresponsible with regards to birth control and disease prevention. It’s a health thing.

    • avatar camille905 July 5, 2011, 4:44 pm

      On the birth control note- NO FORM of birth control is 100% effective, including condoms, the pill, etc. But if they were in a committed relationship, it’s possible they both got tested and were disease free and only she was using birth control, which again is NOT 100% effective. Most of us take that risk. I don’t see it as being irresponsible.

      • avatar MissDre July 5, 2011, 4:58 pm

        Same here. My boyfriend and I were both tested. We’re both clean. I go for my pap test every year and I’m good. So we’re comfortable just using the pill. I don’t see how that’s irresponsible.

        • caitie_didnt caitie_didn't July 5, 2011, 5:20 pm

          Same here. You take a risk anytime you have sex because no birth control is 100%, but this is an educated risk, not an irresponsible one.

      • avatar Maracuya July 5, 2011, 5:24 pm

        Well, I think SGMcG was making the assumption that it was unprotected, not pill only.

    • avatar Grammar Fiend July 5, 2011, 5:09 pm

      Irregardless is not a word.

  • avatar Rachelgrace53 July 5, 2011, 5:25 pm

    Consult Gilmore Girls Season 6 to see how horribly this situation could play out.

    P.S. If you get this reference, you’re awesome in my book.

    • avatar Lexington July 5, 2011, 6:42 pm

      Gilmore Girls Season 6 just should not have existed at all.

      • avatar Rachelgrace53 July 6, 2011, 3:42 am

        TOTALLY AGREE. And season 7 was even worse…

        • avatar spaceboy761 July 6, 2011, 9:30 am

          Eh. 6 was tolerable, 7 was bad.

          • avatar Rachelgrace53 July 6, 2011, 1:06 pm

            Yeah at least season 6 had highlights like Lane and Zach’s wedding. The only claim to fame 7 had was the final episode. I barely remember the rest of it…

    • avatar Morgan July 5, 2011, 7:39 pm

      First thing I thought of too!

  • landygirl Landygirl July 5, 2011, 5:30 pm

    “the first time we met in person was like magic. We have a really deep connection”

    If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that phrase, I’d be a millionaire. It probably won’t be the last time the LW utters that phrase either. Many times, we create what isn’t (magical feelings) because it’s what we long for.

    You’re putting the cart way before the horse, you don’t know this guy well enough to decide the future. IMO, you should stop seeing him now because it will only get more complicated.

    • avatar moonflowers July 5, 2011, 8:52 pm

      Even worse, that feeling is sometimes a sign of an unhealthy pattern – “You remind me strongly of someone who abused or let me down in the past, except I know this time will be different!” Not a healthy start.

      • avatar Name July 5, 2011, 10:06 pm

        thankyou for that lightbulb moment

  • avatar *HmC* July 5, 2011, 5:56 pm

    Wow…I had a good friend go through this exact thing a couple years ago, except his “ex” had just been a casual fling. Just like with this girl, my friend had already hopelessly fallen, and suddenly had to deal with potential step mommy issues. I don’t have much advice to add, but seriously, this could kind of happen to anyone, and can you even imagine how much it would suck? Really makes you appreciate the consequences of sex.

  • avatar Marie July 5, 2011, 8:46 pm

    I love how people assumes everyone’s exes are psychos.I’m sure a lot of you are exes,so are you psychos too?

    • avatar moonflowers July 5, 2011, 8:57 pm

      I think it’s a bad sign if someone characterizes *all* of his/her exes as psychos. They are exes now only because they once were deemed ok to enter into a relationship with, so either the picking process was flawed (too speedy, too idealistic, etc.), the exes are being falsely depicted as crazy, or people are refusing to take responsibility for the mistakes they made that contributed to the breakup. And none of these reflect well on the people claiming their exes are nuts, though it might be excusable if they’re really inexperienced at dating.

      • avatar Marie July 5, 2011, 9:08 pm

        Oh,I meant “all” exes.And whenever a guy tells me all his exes are crazy,two thoughts come to my mind:

        1.He is the crazy one who treated his exes poorly.And then he exaggerated their reactions,depicting them as crazy.

        2.The guy is a great guy,but he is a terrible judge of character.

        Neither of these two traits are appealing.

        • avatar Marie July 5, 2011, 9:11 pm

          *is appealing god what’s wrong with me today?

          • avatar mcminnem July 5, 2011, 10:33 pm

            “are appealing” is actually correct. Two traits, so it’s plural. You were right! :p

          • avatar Marie July 5, 2011, 10:53 pm

            no,it’s “is appealing” because of the word neither.it’s a common error!

    • avatar Marie July 5, 2011, 9:04 pm

      *assume

  • avatar Marie July 5, 2011, 8:56 pm

    The LW should move on.Not necessarily for good,but for now she should.Dating someone for two months is not a long time at all and it sounds like she jumped into a relationship with this guy.At two months you’re still getting to know each other.I’ve been with my boyfriend only since March,having known him since September of 2009 and we’re still learning things about each other!

    She doesn’t need to drop him from her life but she needs to take a step back and examine what she would want out of a relationship with him.And if he meets her criteria and he is still available after a longer period of time,they can try dating again.But for now they should cool off.

  • avatar JJ July 5, 2011, 10:57 pm

    Just so I clear things up, I didn’t mean that all exes are psychos. I just meant that my boyfriend’s most recent ex is very immature, even calling me while I was at my internship spreading lies which I know for a fact are not true. To me, that is some level of crazy and delusional, even trying to make it seem that they are still together when he talks to me every night, I just spent the last week with him before I move in with him. There are different reasons why I don’t talk to any of my exes, and not because they are completely nuts-just that I do not wish to have contact.

    Of course, the LW’s boyfriend has decisions that he needs to make and so does the LW. And if in fact, he is the father, the ex will always be a part of her boyfriend’s life and it doesn’t seem that the LW is ready to deal with that situation after only dating the guy for two months. I just hope that she makes the right decision for herself. Good luck LW !

  • avatar Jan July 6, 2011, 6:00 pm

    This happened to me in 2008… and all I can say is MOA. The unfortunate thing about being in your situation is that if he’s a decent guy, the baby and the mother of his child should and will always come first. Always.

    By being supportive of the guy I was involved with when his ex told him she was pregnant with his child, I heard far more than I wanted or needed to know. It was painful, and, frankly, I felt like I was invading on the girl’s privacy. I heard about the relationship he had with her in the past. He told me that he had been visiting her every night while they had “what are we going to do?” talks. I heard all about how they weighed the pros and cons of getting an abortion, and how sad he was that she didn’t want to keep the baby.

    My heart goes out to you. Please, MOA.

  • bittergaymark bittergaymark July 8, 2011, 1:55 pm

    What a mess. This is why I am very much PRO-ABORTION. Not pro-choice. In stupid, messy situations like this, I am simply PRO-ABORTION. Anybody out there REALLY think this child isn’t going to grow up knowing it was an inconvenience? Anybody out there REALLY think it’s going to grow up happy, mentally healthy and wanted?

    Meanwhile, look around. The world is overpopulated. WAY OVER POPULATED.

    Maybe more and more of the senseless, reckless breeders should get their fucking shit together and ONLY get pregnant when it makes sense. When they are ready. Really, it’s so NOT that hard. Meaning that all these fucking “accidents” are really just the result of people being dumb and careless and, frankly, I am sick of giving advice as to how make it better and more convenient for you guys. Fuck them and their lives. I hope they truly suck. It would serve them right, and maybe then others would, I dunno, actually pay attention and learn from their mistakes…

    Of course, the LW is completely innocent in all of this. And that’s why I say she should simply run. Run far away. She can and WILL do better than some moron who apparently has only a 8 year old’s idea of the birds and the bees.

  • avatar emmy July 10, 2011, 7:02 am

    To the last person who made that comment I have to say that what you just said is disgusting. Some people can’t just “get an abortion”, infact I feel it’s their responsibility to continue with whatever choice they make. How do I know? I’m currently 8 months pregnant, yes it was unplanned and I had some decisions to make. I was told I couldn’t have children and it may not have been the “right” time, but I decided to go ahead with it. I lost my mother 3 years ago and for me this was something positive, I had always wanted children so to find this out I thought it may have been my only chance. Me and the boyfriend managed to get through it, but 11 weeks ago he decided to leave and now has a new gf. I have to say being the pregnant ex it is heartbreaking and incredibly hard. Maybe if you all put yourselves in my shoes you’d understand life throws things at you and sometimes you have to go with it. The new gf is a horrible person, and they’ve known each other for years. They started seeing each other tge minute we broke up. Dealing with all this while I’m pregnant is one of the worst experiences I’ve had to go through.. And don’t think its right or fair for him to be committing to someone else so soon, when he should be prioritising fatherhood over some girl.

  • avatar Love hurts July 29, 2011, 4:07 am

    hi , im actually going thru something similar and i really dont know what to do , im just really lost and i would like to hear some advise

    okay so ive been with this guy for almost a year and a half & he finally decided to tell me that hes had a child before with one of his ” ex ” and he apparently got married with her for the child sake but that women just left after a few month the baby was born .. so they got divorced , but at first when i found i was just so confused and upset , especially how it took him that long to actually tell me , so we didnt talk / see each other for few weeks & then when i realized how much i missed him , i also realized how much i love him so i shouldnt let his past effect what we have , so ive started to try and get us back and leave the past where they belong . Finally when i thought things can be normal again he though i deserve better and he cant give me what i need . so he made a decision that we should break up . At that moment i couldnt believe he didnt even let me try or at least us to try . But few weeks after that i started texting him and we would still have that flirt talk . but out of no where within a month he ended going out with one his frd whose also my frd and whose also seen use thru everything .. it teared me apart . But the worst part is not even a month after they been together , she got pregnant and they were gonna get married .

    So now .. the problem is , Not long after that news were everywhere and that she has been around 3 month-ish in her pregnancy , He started to text / call me and as we talk to each other our memories would flash back and some where down that road he said he regret that he made that decision and he’ll do anything just to get back with me , i really didnt want to believe him but we just had way too much memories … not long he Broke up with her and we started to hang out offend and feelings towards each other just started to bond right back . but deep down i would think to myself am i making a mistake , is this the right thing to do . i honestly didnt know . And now we’re facing with not being sure if that baby in this girl is really actually his or not since she was with someone else around that period of time . But im just really confused because this is the second baby of his here .. and what if the dna result does come up as he is the father ? A part of me is struggling me to just leave and walk away . but a part of me just cant to let all of it go like that after everything we’re been thru . but then again a part of me is like can i really trust this guy anymore , cus it just seem so hard . UGH ! i just dont know , ALL this is Killing me alive . Please give me some advice here .

  • avatar kristy July 29, 2011, 9:29 am

    i was in exactly same situation i was seeing a guy for 5 weeks his ex girlfriend came back and said she is 7 weeks pregnant, i have my doubt about the pregnancy, but he made his choice to take her back, because he wants to see his child everyday, i am living proof that it doesnt work, i fell pregnant in the time i broke up with my ex husband, i had my daughter, we were together until she was 2 years old, then i decided to leave because i fell out of love, people need to know that a child does not glue two people togehter, and the girls that try and keep there man by doing it. you are digging your own hole. well that’s just my point of view

  • avatar Nat mAynard August 4, 2011, 8:37 am

    To be honest the same thing happened to me. It turned out the baby wasn’t his she was just trying to cause crap for him. At that point we had only been together for 3 weeks and we r now getting married on Saturday. I reckon sit down and talk to him about it find out his feelings on it all including his feelings for you if ur a rebound or if he feels the same way as you. Hope things turn out for the best like they have for me

  • avatar Kim August 4, 2011, 12:50 pm

    I’m in the same kind of situation..i am 25 years old and recently an old boyfriend from My past when I was 17 contacted me. I havnt seen him in over 7 years. We had sparks instantly..I have been single for 2 years, so I am standoffish. We talked and he opened up to me and I just felt this huge conection and I could see all of the good qualities.. He is so romantic it’s been a month and things have been going amazing. Noone has ever made me feel so special and I know I deserve it.. We are very open and honest with eachother he is a genuine guy and loyal. Now the problem is his x must of smelt it in the air that he was happy or something bc she says she’s pregnant now..so 5 days ago she says she’s 8 weeks pregnant then 3 days ago she says she’s 15 weeks pregnant and 2 days ago she said she’s 24 weeks pregnant..she calls him and writes him non stop till his phone dies. She left him for another guy.. And now she says she’s pregnant with his baby and loves him and wants him back..I’m so sad bc I feel like I found my soul mate but really I just have bad luck..I made him set up an apointment at the gyno for her..it’s today and he is there now. Even if she really is pregnant I don’t know if it’s his..and I don’t know what I’m gonna do yet I don’t want to wait for however many mnths to find out it’s his and then take the huge risk that they get back together.. So I guess I’m sitting here waiting to find out if she is prego but time is passing and I’m thinking she is..mayb i should run it’s just hard when I’m an amazing women and he’s an amazing guy and now this situation.. Any advice while I sit here waiting?…thanx

    • avatar Kim August 4, 2011, 1:10 pm

      She is pregnant :( I feel heart broken. And in this moment I feel I have no choice but to move on.

    • avatar Amber August 4, 2011, 1:31 pm

      How does he feel about getting back together with her? Is this something he wants or is he just wanting a strictly we’re her parents let’s be civil relationship with her? i’m so sorry you’re going through that. it does suck, sometimes the timing isn’t right and it’s so hard to walk away :( i would definitely say talk to him and see wha the’s thinking/feeling.

  • avatar Kim August 4, 2011, 3:33 pm

    Before he left to go to the dr. We decided our love would b strong enough to go threw this but after he got the results instead of calling me he texted me that he’s on his way to work. I automatically felt like he was lieing so I wrote him back if ur figuring out stuff with her it’s ok but don’t lie to me. Finally he responds with he’s at work and stressed and he wrote u allready hate me. I wrote that I don’t hate him I was just waiting for his call..mean while I’m sitting here feeling crushed..just the other day I felt like I was w my soul mate and now I feel like it’s over.. He had told me before of their history and they broke up..she had started dating an older man and he told me he will never b with her again beacause all she does is bring him down and now she’s allready using the baby against him. I feel so bad for him because she says hurtful things non stop and I’m so positive I don’t dwell on stuff. It’s just I feel heart broken and I don’t know if I should let him know how much I care. Because If I do wait around to c if he is the father and this will be his first baby then I don’t know if I’m prepared for him to hold that baby and fall back In love with her and leave me. I mean I want to support him but ever since he told her he was in love with me she is pregnant and is telling him she wants him back but then 2 seconds later saying if he wants DNA results he can take her to court. So I sit here saddened bc the love of my life isn’t even talking to me I’m writing to this site. My mind won’t stop thinking. And now I guess he’s at work and will need time to figure out things. So I’m gonna try and back off

    • avatar Amber August 4, 2011, 5:41 pm

      I think giving him time to breathe is a good thing. That was some crazy news he got today. Even if he doesn’t want to be with her finding out you may be a father is a big thing. Give him some space and just be there for him. Eventually you will be able to talk to him about how he sees your relationship progressing. And even if he falls in love with the baby that doesn’t mean he will fall in love with the mother. They broke up for a reason. Don’t read too much in to the not talking to you right not thing, like I said before he needs space. It might take him a day or two to really truly process what happened. I’ll be thinking of you!

      • avatar goodgirl March 20, 2013, 8:23 am

        i love all the advice here.it makes alot of sense and just helped me figure my situation out.I am already being supportive of him,….he says he doesnt love his ex atall.They are keeping the baby but what hurt me most is that I found out everything myself…when i confronted him,he said he hadnt told me because he was scared i would leave.With all this advice,im thinking I should just be suppoetive and move on.

  • avatar Kim August 4, 2011, 5:53 pm

    Thanks amber he’s going crazy bc his father wasn’t around..and he doesn’t want to be with her he wants to b there for her during the pregnancy but he has doubts of it’s his and how can someone heal from this. I feel bad for him and I wish there was something I could say or do but there isn’t. I want to love and support him but he is angry and scared and he has alot on his plate.I’m going to pray and I know it’s in gods hands. Thanks again:)

  • avatar Aidana Lema September 2, 2011, 8:13 pm

    You signature says it all “not ready for motherhood”. If you’re not ready…you’re not ready. If not for yourself, then think about the child involved. Children have a way of captivating our hearts and if you don’t feel like you can step up to the plate and be a “second mom” to his child then you need to remove yourself from the situation. To protect yourself on so many levels. I am a divorced mom and my ex boyfriend was really close to my two daughters when we broke up after 6 years, he not only had to forget about me, he also had to forget about two little girls who were pretty much raised by him. He felt like he world was shattered and my kids were equally as devastated. Today my girls are teens and they still ask about him. Him and I haven’t spoken but I do sometimes wish I didn’t allow him to be such a part of the family.

  • avatar Needing help November 4, 2011, 12:08 pm

    Hi wendy. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 months and right when we started dating he told me his ex is pregnant. I wanted to suggest a paternity test but he’s so excited and i don’t want to hurt him. The thing is I feel horrible because sometimes a part of me wishes that the baby would turn out not to be his or even worse it’ll be better to lose the baby. I feel so horrible when I have these thoughts and it doesn’t make it any easier that his ex doesn’t even know he’s seeing me. He said she told him she’d hurt the baby and the doctor said she shouldn’t stress or risk a premature birth. He wants me to wait till the baby is born before telling her he’s seeing someone. I’m so confused as to what to do. I love this man

  • avatar JK July 13, 2013, 3:36 pm

    I’m very interested to hear the outcome to this! My ex started seeing a new girl the week we found I was pregnant, one week after we broke up. I’m now 17 weeks and they are closing on their new house together next week. I haven’t given much thought to the girl because I know he lies and who knows what he’s told her but now I am starting to get curious about her motivations for moving in with a guy who got his ex pregnant just two weeks before he met her? And agreeing to do it while still in the first tri-mester? I’ve never met her or asked about her or tried to reach out to her because I’ve been so focused on what was HE thinking but this post makes me wonder about her, too. I’m super curious about what he COULD be telling her.

  • avatar JP September 10, 2013, 4:10 pm

    JK — How long were you with your ex (the baby daddy)? It is interesting b/c I had a similar experience to the OP in that a guy I started dating found out 1-2 months in that the girl he was ‘seeing’ (not a gf, just some chick he was banging) got pregnant. HOWEVER, he did not tell me as apparently she was not 100% sure it was his, so we dated an entire year and by that time had talked about moving in, etc. when he tells me about this girl having his baby (DNA test confirmed). I ended up leaving him, which was hard after being together a year, falling in love, planning on moving in, etc. But, to get at your Q, your ex may have told this girl that the 2 of you were never serious (maybe you were not?) and he never planned to have a kid (sounds like it was a surprise?) and he has much more of a connection with her, yada yada. Hell, maybe he’s like my ex and hasn’t told this girl you are even pregnant?? I never even knew about my ex dating his baby mama until the kid was born, kinda wish she had tried to reach out to me and warn me — since he never did :-/ Anyway, biggest priority for you is figuring out what to do once baby’s born, if he wants to be involved as the dad, etc. Good luck to you.

    • avatar JK October 19, 2013, 6:04 pm

      We were together for 8 months and were serious – but even though that’s the truth it DOESN’T mean it’s what he told her. This baby is definitely 100% his, and he has supposedly told her I am pregnant. I am not so upset at his dating but he MOVED and is maybe depending on which way the wind is blowing today not sure if he is going to be involved or not – which he tells me is because he hates me. I would have to wonder if I met someone who was honest about the situation if I would stay! Hey we’ve been dating for a week and my ex is two weeks pregnant and I’ve decided I want to move further away from my child and maybe not be a dad at all let’s move in together! I think I’d tell him to fuck off, loser! It sounds like a lot of people on here are under the assumption that this guy is going to put his baby first above the new gf and can she handle that, but why would you stay with a guy who was putting you first above his child??? What does that say about his character?? It’s very frustrating for me as a mother to watch.

  • avatar Anna March 26, 2014, 1:21 pm

    This exact situation just unfolded for me unfortunately. I did a search online to try and reach out to other people with similar experiences. This guy i had fallen in love with found out his ex was pregnant from one last fling, they weren’t together at the time, she showed up out of no where still having feelings for him and they had sex one last time. Then, literally 2 weeks later he meets me, some one who is actually more compatible with. She waits 3 months to tell him, and meanwhile we are falling for each other. Its sinister to think about, that during that time frame where I was really developing feelings for someone, that situation was developing with out my knowledge. Why she conveniently waited 3 months to tell him, just after the legal abortion date in out state i will never know, and honestly it hurt me to even have thoughts like that, the situation takes a person to a place where they cant even stand to go. When he found out he took some time to talk to her and decide what they were going to do, she still had feelings for him, he said he wanted to move on, he had met some one new. This also pained me, to think a pregnant women was feeling extra vulnerable knowing her prospective partner was dating while she was pregnant. Despite my obvious discomfort at having this situation develop, i didn’t want her to feel pain. In fact I felt this so strongly, even though i will also suspect she tried to get pregnant on purpose to trap him, that I stayed away from him. It was too hard. My heart was breaking in so many ways i started to feel sick from it. There was chance it wasn’t going to be his, so i waited kind of, staying away form him for the results of the test. He was upset at how distant i was, but honestly i just couldn’t handle the stress and sadness of it. If she did trap him thats the act of a desperate woman and Im not desperate like that. He just told me the results of the test yesterday, its his and I felt an immediate need to get myself out of this situation and to safety. He was pressuring me to “stand and fight” for him. Fight who? A new mother? a baby? I told him he needed to go be with his son now all the time and blocked his humber. The stress and pain of everything was threatening to turn me into an angry person, i was angry he couldn’t let me go, I was mad at myself for not being able to be 100% kind to him, some times I would vent and text him angry things out of pain and misery. Finally i just knew it was going to break me. Now this child, should be his focus, I don’t want to be apart of this sad, heart breaking thing. My mother actually put it best “You cant choose if your heart is going to be broken by some one, but you can choose not to break your own heart”. He doesn’t have a car, and I was going to give him an old one i bought, and I just started to feel bitter and crazy. i had nightmares of vulnerable babies and angry baby mommas and finally I just blocked his number.

  • avatar Anna March 26, 2014, 2:08 pm

    spell checked this version:

    This exact situation just unfolded for me unfortunately. It was truly a terrifying plunge into a kind of primal abyss where suddenly stakes went way up and everyone involved started making desperate survival moves based on manipulative needs. I did a search online to try and reach out to other people with similar experiences. I am still feeling so shocked from it, I am also so shocked by my ongoing connection to him, even though it became very distant.
    For some reason I was really a deer in the headlights with this, I felt like i was t-boned by some one elses raging animal instinct.

    This guy i had fallen in love with found out his ex was pregnant from one last fling, they weren’t together at the time, she showed up out of no where still having feelings for him and they had sex one last time. Then, literally 2 weeks later he meets me, someone who he is actually more compatible with and actually in love with. She waits 3 months to tell him, and meanwhile we are falling for each other. Its sinister to think about, that during that time, that situation was developing without my knowledge. Why was she hiding this? I will always wonder this things and its not even fair that I would have to think about stuff like that. Why she conveniently waited 3 months to tell him, just one week after the legal abortion date in our state i will never know, and honestly it hurt me to even have thoughts like that. It was like researching criminal behavior and the situation takes a person to a place where they cant even stand to go. I remember him telling about the potential fatherhood that was looming, because there was chance it wasn’t his and my immediate sense of helplessness and despair.

    Emotionally it felt like being driven through a painful house of horrors, of due dates, labor plans, baby showers, and the painful realization that you do want him to go and deal with everything, its the only right thing to do. I was glad that through the mist of primal perhomes, one truth held constant for me, that the needs of the vulnerable and weak, and yes this included his desperate baby mommas, take precedent in situations like this, for me. His haggard face after being badgered by her confused and pained me.It felt like a crime. But nothing could prepare me for the horror of being forced into something like this with some one.

    When I asked about the sudden 3 month revelation, he maintained she might have had irregular periods but i will always wonder, I hated myself for even having to wonder that. When he found out he took some time to talk to her and decide what they were going to do, she still had feelings for him, he said he wanted to move on, he had met someone new. This also pained me, to think a pregnant women was feeling extra vulnerable knowing her prospective partner was dating while she was pregnant. Despite my obvious discomfort at having this situation take on a monstrous dramatic life of its own, i didn’t want her to feel pain. I suspect she was acting in a way that I frankly find to be cruel and demented. To force someone into a pregnancy in the hopes of trying to make them love you, is something so disgusting to me I don’t have words. But she was still a kind of broken person doing something so sad, it still meant her needs were greater then mine despite her motives. In the midst of my anger and rage at the situation, I also had a multitude of compassionate thoughts towards a new mother who was alone and scared probably. I told his brother, it felt like mazel tov cocktail of empathy and the raw need to escape from being attracted to some one in a truly rare way despite all the pain.

    I ended up staying away from him. It was too hard. He would reach out to me all the time when she was pregnant but i didn’t want to see him. My heart was breaking in so many ways i started to feel sick from it. We would go back and forth from being elated at the thought that some how we could pull off being together and raising a new child, or maybe it wouldn’t be his, fingers crossed…. to the stark reality that this was too hard. I would wail allot about how sad I was and he would demand I make a decision and stand with him, something that started making me not love him. There was a chance it wasn’t going to be his, so i waited, staying away from him in light of the results of the test, secretly hoping there was a chance, a way out.

    He was upset at how distant i became, but honestly i just couldn’t handle the stress and sadness of it. He just told me the results of the test yesterday, its his and I felt an immediate need to get myself out of this situation and to safety. Like a hardcore punch to gut feeling like I needed to get out of the way of a moving vehicle or risk death. He was pressuring me to “stand and fight” for him. Fight who? A new mother? a baby? Theres nothing I could do for anyone involved, it was horrible for everyone. I told him he needed to go be with his son now all the time and blocked his humber. The stress and pain of everything was threatening to turn me into an angry person, i was angry he couldn’t let me go, I was mad at myself for not being able to be 100% kind to him or just get out of the situation. Sometimes I would vent and text him angry things out of pain and misery, just trying to communicate about how truly miserable and sad this was making me. Add the fact we were both really compatible in some shocking ways and I wanted a baby before this all happened, I felt raw and out of control emotionally. It was out of the desire to not add drama that I stayed away as well.,

    The stress of hearing about the baby showers, and the health check ups, I started feeling terrible. Finally i just knew it was going to break me. Now this child, should be his focus, I don’t want to be apart of this sad, heart breaking thing that happened. My mother actually put it best “You can’t choose if your heart is going to be broken by someone, but you can choose not to break your own heart”. That was insightful, i feel like now, if I was to step back into the situation knowing he has become a new father with an infant, with someone who still wants him back but he doesn’t have feelings for……..it would be like stabbing myself in the heart. Its a very dangerous situation to be in. He doesn’t have a car, and I was going to give him an old one i bought, and I just started to feel bitter and crazy. I worried more then him I suspect. i had nightmares of vulnerable babies and angry baby mommas and finally I just blocked his number. I feel like I abandoned someone I cared about to a bad situation, but I also didn’t have a choice.

    I feel relieved reading everyones stories on here. My heart goes out to other women like me who face some very lonely stressful hours facing the truth of a dangerous situation that ultimately isnt fair for you. The injured parties, time will reveal will be numerous from this. I am not a new mother, or parent and the loss of everything was starting to make me feel unhealthy. I would also advise anyone facing similar heartbreak to get out of it as soon as you can, don’t risk further involvement in something this emotionally violent.

  • avatar Jk April 30, 2014, 4:15 pm

    Anna – thank you. I can tell you that even after getting over the desire to try reconciliation with my son’s father it has still been a very emotional experience – and pregnancy is emotional enough! I was very angry and let my ex know it and I greatly appreciate the compassion and understanding you extended to someone in my situation.

    To LW. I don’t hate my ex’s fiancé. At all. And I’m wise enough to know that if it wasn’t her it would be someone else.

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