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“My Boyfriend’s Ex Is Pregnant With His Baby!”

I started seeing this guy about two months ago. We met on an online dating site and the first time we met in person was like magic. We have a really deep connection and care a lot about each other. Just a couple days ago, he sent me a text saying his day just got very weird. I asked him why and he responds with: “We may need to talk.” He tells me the short version: that his ex is pregnant and has been waiting to tell him for the last three months (they broke up about three months ago).

I’m studying counseling in school, so I know how to handle the situation, but I have a hard time helping myself. So, I guess my question is: where do I go from here? I want to remain in this relationship with my boyfriend, but I don’t want his ex to hate me for it and I don’t know if I’m ready to be a second mommy. — Not Ready for Step-Motherhood

Your boyfriend and his ex broke up before you started dating him; you’d been together for two months before he even discovered his ex was pregnant with a baby that, quite frankly, may or may not be his. There’s no justifiable reason for the ex to “hate” you for being with your boyfriend. You’ve done nothing wrong and you’d be betraying no one by staying with him.

That said, you have some things you need to think about if you do decide to stick it out with him. First of all, it’s important to remember that you wouldn’t be jumping into being a “second mommy” to this baby. You’re still just getting to know your boyfriend, so mothering this baby who isn’t due yet for a few more months (I’m assuming), isn’t on the docket. If anything, you’d be a support to your boyfriend as he navigates new fatherhood. Your interaction with the baby would likely be pretty limited until you and your boyfriend become more serious. And you’ve only been with him for two months, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

If I were you, I’d slow things down with the guy. Give him some time and space to figure out his next steps. Be a friend to him during this time, but let your romance cool down a little until the dust of this new development settles. He should probably have a paternity test done to make sure the baby is even his, and while he and his ex figure out how best to co-parent this child, you can take some time to decide whether the investment you’ve made in your relationship thus far and the connection you have with this guy is worth some of the compromises you’ll have to make to be with someone who’s adjusting to the demands of fatherhood and staying in constant contact with his most recent ex.

The early months of a relationship are a time to get to know one another, lay the foundation for a potential future together and decide whether you’re a match in terms of goals, personality and what you’re looking for in a significant other. A baby — even if you were the one carrying it instead of his ex — will greatly change the ability to mindfully achieve these steps. Beware of jumping into a situation you haven’t fully “vetted” for lack of a better term. Insta-families have a way of creating an intimacy and closeness that may not have organically developed on its own, so don’t be shy about slowing things down if it feels like your boyfriend is speeding things up. Likewise, if it seems he simply doesn’t have the attention and focus to devote to you right now, its OK to take a break from the relationship and tell him to get back in touch when things settle down for him a bit.

The important thing right now is to look after yourself. With only two months invested in this relationship, it’s not like the boyfriend’s interests are going to be with you first. He’s suddenly got this child to think about and that’s where his focus is (rightfully) going to be for the foreseeable future. If at any time, you feel cheated or like you don’t have enough of a foundation together to make the sort of compromises you’ll have to make, get out. If you’re meant to be, you can always get back together later. And if not, you’ll have an opportunity to find someone with less drama in his life.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.


Comments on this entry are closed.

avatar kerrycontrary July 5, 2011, 3:13 pm

I actually disagree with Wendy on this one. I would get out now. This is probably more drama than you want to take on, especially when you’ve only been with someone for 2 months. I agree that your boyfriend should get a paternity test, but if this baby is actually his then you will be there for his weekends with the baby, all of the family events where you will have to see his ex, his family, her family. It’s a lot for being this early on in a relationship. Dealing with ex girlfriends can be dramatic in itself, but dealing with a pregnant ex? And you didn’t even mention how your boyfriend feels about this. He may want to get back with his ex. How long were they together? You started dating pretty quickly after they broke up so he may have not even been looking for a serious relationship with you. I feel like this is a pretty recent development, so he may need to take time to think things over before you even get a chance to react. But if it were me…I would run because this seems like a recipe for disaster.

avatar ReginaRey July 5, 2011, 3:25 pm

“You started dating pretty quickly after they broke up so he may have not even been looking for a serious relationship with you.”

YES. It seems that this guy was single for maybe 4 weeks before he started dating the LW. IMO, that makes her a rebound. I really, really doubt that he was looking for a super serious relationship 4 weeks prior to ending a relationship, and I also doubt that a guy with a baby on the way with his ex-girlfriend is going to want to ALSO foster a relationship with the rebound girl. Wayyy too much to handle. I would also advise her to get out now.

avatar SpaceySteph July 5, 2011, 3:26 pm

I tend to agree. I think Wendy was hinting at that by saying to be his friend but cool the romance down, as well as to get out if it seems like too much.

Also if the LW is a traditional student then she’s early 20’s, very young to be in this scenario. If she’s older (like mid 30s) then I think I would say to stay in it, but at such a young age and trying to get through school, and with only 2 months into the relationship (plus you may be right about the rebound with it being only a month after they broke up)… alot of odds stacked against a happy, healthy relationship.

I think the right thing is to cool it off completely until he has a chance to figure out how the baby will factor into his life, let him and his baby mama establish their own routine and boundaries, before putting yourself into the mix. If he still wants you a few months after the baby is born, then yay! If he doesn’t, then likely he would have broken it off with you if you hadn’t bowed out, only you would be several months more invested in the relationship.

avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 3:14 pm

Question: How do you “care a lot about” someone you’ve known two months? I understand the attraction, maybe even the connection thing. But honestly, you’ve known this guy 8 weeks. You don’t know his ex, don’t know anything, if you’re interested in staying with this guy, ask him questions. Wendy’s right, maybe the baby isn’t his, maybe the baby is made-up & his ex is a physco trying to “win him back.”
Point is, you don’t really know this guy. The choice is yours.

avatar El July 5, 2011, 3:28 pm

I think its reasonable to care for someone in that timefra
me. Its not like she’s claiming to have “fallen in love” after 2 weeks like the LW from this morning.

avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 3:39 pm

No, sorry, I dont’ agree. Attraction, connection, yes. But to “care” about someone you need to know that person. They had no prior knowledge of each other until they met on the website.

avatar Rachelgrace53 July 5, 2011, 4:24 pm

Sorry but two months is PLENTY of time to know someone enough to care about them. Especially if they had a strong connection right away and their relationship has been on the fast track and they are spending lots of time together.

avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 4:37 pm

Ahh, yes, the fast track & when is “the fast track” ever a good thing for a relationship?? Obviously not such a good thing when you find out your boyfriend has a baby on the way with his ex.
I think after only two months, she’s more than capable of cutting her losses, SORRY BUT two months to “deeply care” about some, uh uh. I don’t see that.

bittergaymark bittergaymark July 8, 2011, 2:00 pm

Hah! Hilarious! The fact that so many thumbs down you, simply proves why there is such a need for websites such as this. Seriously. Think about it.

avatar LTC039 July 8, 2011, 2:13 pm

I tried to impose logical reasoning in my comment! Everyone hated it! :)

avatar Morgan July 5, 2011, 4:54 pm

Would you say you can’t deeply care about a friend after two months of friendship?

avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 6:41 pm

No I wouldn’t. Just because the person is a friend vs a love interest doesn’t make a difference. So, nice try with that one.

avatar Rachelgrace53 July 6, 2011, 3:40 am

Be condescending all you want. The purple thumbs speak for themselves.

avatar LTC039 July 6, 2011, 8:31 am

Hahaha! Honestly I say what I truly believe, purple thumbs or not. I don’t really care. If people don’t like what I have to say, that’s fine, I disagree with a lot of things on here too. But once again, thank you & nice try! :)

bittergaymark bittergaymark July 8, 2011, 2:01 pm

Maybe if people DIDN’T rush so into love like vacuous idiots after a mere couple of months, so many of their lives wouldn’t be in such obvious ruins… Just a thought.

landygirl Landygirl July 5, 2011, 5:33 pm

I agree with you. People watch too much tv, they think that the express track to love is the only way to go. Love takes time (thanks Mariah). Slow down people, if it’s actual love, it will last without having to rush things.

avatar El July 5, 2011, 6:15 pm

She never said that she loved him. She said that they cared for eachother, which is an appropriate emotion when you have chosen to participate in an exclusive relationship with someone, regardless of how long said exclusive relationship has existed.

avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 6:42 pm

Good luck with “caring deeply” about everyone you encounter just because “time doesn’t matter” Let me know how that works out for you!

avatar El July 5, 2011, 6:52 pm

Its working fabulously…thanks for asking! :)

avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 6:58 pm

I’m sure it is, over there in cupcakes & rainbows fantasy land!

landygirl Landygirl July 5, 2011, 7:08 pm

Everything is all roses at the beginning, but when you rush into something, you don’t have a base on which to form a stable relationship. She is creating all this stuff in her head about this guy that may or may not be true. 2 months isn’t really a sufficient amount of time to get to know someone, let alone deal with the LW’s situation.

avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 7:14 pm

Thank you! Someone with some sense! That’s what I meant, the way I worded it was too easily misconstrued by some people…

avatar moonflowers July 5, 2011, 8:45 pm

I don’t know why you’re getting so many red thumbs, but my personal experience has also taught me to be more patient. About the three month mark is when the happy hormones come down and all the stresses of life come back into sharp focus again. And that’s when you can finally figure out if a relationship has legs. Only under pressure do you really get to see what a relationship’s strengths and weaknesses are – it’s too easy to be nice and afffable when life is going well!

avatar Marie July 5, 2011, 9:03 pm

Haha. I’ve been with my boyfriend since March and we’re still in that “everything is roses” phase of our relationship!Granted,I have known him for nearly 2 years,but we’ve only been dating for 4 months.I wonder when we’ll start dealing with the actual stresses?And since we’re only 21,I’m sure there will be plenty :P

Jumping into relationships is a bad idea.My best friend met a guy at a club (he was drunk) and he called her the next day.They went out twice and then they were in a relationship. They will have been together for 3 years this September.And it is the most (almost laughably) dysfunctional relationship I have witnessed.It’s like watching a bad soap opera.

avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 9:20 pm

I know! I stand by what I say. I’m sorry but two months is not very long, it’s not two weeks but it’s still only two months. I don’t think you can really know someone until a certain lengthy amount of time has past. I’ve been with my bf 3 yrs & I’m still learning about who he is! But I felt that this “baby mama drama” isn’t worth it if she’s only known the guy 2 months (no prior friendship, etc). I clearly said it’s up to her to decide, but at two months, I think it’s worth more to just get out. I’m glad you see my point.

avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 9:28 pm

**a lengthy amount of time**

avatar Marie July 5, 2011, 9:28 pm

Agreed,its a huge bombshell to deal with at only 2 months.I said below that if she wants to consider a relationship with him in the future(that is,if both of them are still available) that’s absolutely fine,but for now,both of them need space.

avatar Marie July 5, 2011, 9:29 pm

Yeah,two weeks is a lot less than two months…I was just demonstrating getting into relationships without knowing one another!

avatar LTC039 July 5, 2011, 9:47 pm

I completely agree with you & am happy you see my point. WAY too big of a burden for a two month relationship!

avatar Fairhaired Child July 6, 2011, 1:31 am

I can see your point but I also feel like some people (though they can be very easily taken advantage of) do truely feel like they care a lot about many people that they have met for only a short amount of time (either two weeks or a few months whatever). I’m a very loving person myself, and used to be WAY more trusting and way more willing to give my shirt off my back to someone because I honestly CARED about their wellbeing as a person, a human being on the planet. I use the term cared as in, if something terrible were to happen to said person like getting hit by a bus and killed, I would feel really upset at the loss of a life, and wish that I had been able to know them better and longer. Now I still care a lot about people but I’m a less likely (in my mind) to be taken advantage of by people who obviously don’t give two shits about any one else in the world.

I think the LW is using cared in the sense that she feels some kind of emotional attachment or connection to him, and that if say he were to get sick with a cold, she’d be willing to bring him medicine or soup because she cares about him getting healthy again.

However you are very correct in the fact that two months is not enough time to get to know a person and to figure out how much dedication there is in any relationship (friendship, sexual etc). The first few months is all about asking questions and learning about all the little things that makes a person tick. And what you may or may not like/be able to put up with. (ie does he not wash his hands when he uses the restroom, does he leave pizza out in the living room for two days then go “oh score” and eat two-day-old-non-refrigerated or bagged pizza etc)

I don’t think this is a solid enough relationship for her to have to decide if she can deal with a potential babymamma drama added onto their newly budded romance. I think Wendy’s advice is spot on with this is a lot to take on early in a relationship that doesn’t have a lot of foundation. Also you are right about the “fake baby” thing, or that maybe even if she IS pregnant, she did it on purpose just to make sure she could keep him (I had a friend who decided that when things started going south with her relationship that she’d just get knocked up “accidentally” by him and then HE’D HAVE TO STAY – crazzzzzzy)

avatar LTC039 July 6, 2011, 8:35 am

I think you said what I really meant in a much nicer way. Maybe that’s why people got all cray-cray & “OMG HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT!”
Very well said, FairhairedChild!

avatar katiebird July 5, 2011, 3:16 pm

I usually agree with Wendy’s advice……but not this time. LW, I really think you should MOA. You’ve only been with him for 2 months. I would get out now before you get sucked so far into all this drama that you have no way out.

TaraMonster TaraMonster July 5, 2011, 3:17 pm

Why did his ex wait until she was three months pregnant to tell him? Did she not know how to approach it? Was she making sure she wanted to keep the baby? I may be completely off on this one, but one other possibility in this scenario is that the ex isn’t pregnant at all, and just smells that new girlfriend scent in the air. I think Wendy’s advice applies to this as well- cool things down for a while while he sorts through whatever is going on. I guess I just thought the “his ex might hate me” line was odd.

Assuming there IS a baby on the way, and I were in your shoes, I’d MOA. The situation just reeks of drama and you’ve only known the guy for two months. But that’s just me. I wouldn’t want to deal with the inevitable baby mama headaches.

avatar Laurel July 5, 2011, 3:26 pm

Agreed on all points.

avatar camille905 July 5, 2011, 3:29 pm

Well for probably at least a month of those three she probably didn’t know she was pregnant. And then she was probably deciding what to do when she did find out. If she’s 3 months pregnant now, that means in most dates she can no longer have an abortion which means she’s keeping it. if she didn’t decide to keep it, she may have never contacted him.

TaraMonster TaraMonster July 5, 2011, 3:34 pm

Yeah, I figured that could be the case as well. It’s also a possibility that the ex decided to keep the baby BECAUSE she realized he was seeing someone else. I just think there are too many messy scenarios in this situation. He may be a great guy, but the timing/situation is just too much strain for a budding relationship, IMHO.

avatar Vegas SodaPop July 5, 2011, 6:02 pm

I’ve been in almost the exact situation as the LW (except that my man’s ex left him a few days after learning she was pregnant) The “ex might hate me” is more valid concern than you think. I didn’t see a reason for his ex to hate me either – she left him, she left the state, she made it clear that their relationship was over (I saw the e-mails and texts). Yet, when she learned thru the grapevine (facebook) that he had a new lady, she flipped out. She stopped giving him updates about the pregnancy, refused to respond to his inquiries, didn’t even let him know when the baby was born. After some months had passed she brought the baby here to visit with her family. She called my hunny to let him know she was in town and offered to let him visit for a few minutes. She showed up for the visit, told my hunny that she was still in love with him and wanted him back. He told her that was no longer possible, he was now engaged to someone else (me). She wigged out again – started calling at all hours, obviously intoxicated, being mean and vulgar, calling me many nasty names. She accused me of breaking up her family – and has not let my hunny have any access to the child since then. To say that she hates me is an understatement. He pays child support, and she will not let him see the baby out of spite. So, to say that the ex has no reason to hate her may be true – but doesn’t mean that the ex won’t hate her anyway…..

avatar Vegas SodaPop July 5, 2011, 6:07 pm

…..Just ancedotal evidence that someone can hate someone else without having valid reasons – especially in such a sensitive situation as this.

avatar Vegas SodaPop July 5, 2011, 6:11 pm

See….just like these purple thumbs – no good reason for them, but there they are LMFAO!

avatar Vegas SodaPop July 5, 2011, 6:15 pm

Rose…is that you?

avatar Vegas SodaPop July 5, 2011, 6:18 pm

I’ll take that as a yes ROFLMFAO

avatar lk July 5, 2011, 10:09 pm

I also am laughing at this… I can’t see any reason for the purple thumbs to come out… Anyway, best of luck! Seriously think that is hilarious… Is that your BF’s ex and her whole posse? LOL : )

avatar fallonthecity July 5, 2011, 11:23 pm

It has to be!

avatar Britannia July 5, 2011, 7:27 pm

I think it’s more likely than not that the ex will hate the LW. I too have been in a virtually identical situation (honestly, I could have written this letter 3 years ago), and his baby mama wanted him to support her and love her and marry her, and be there for the baby. She hated me with a vengeance because she thought that if I was out of the picture, he’d definitely succumb to her wishes. She sent me threatening text messages, showed up to parties where he and I would be, and literally spat at me one time in a fit of rage.

It makes sense that this girl will want her baby’s daddy to be in a relationship with her. It also thusly makes sense that she will place the blame of NOT having LW’s boyfriend as her boyfriend on the LW.

Frankly, I’d just MOA IMMEDIATELY. Let this guy “do the right thing” and be focused on his baby. Urge him to get a paternity test, but leave it at that. A baby is a huge game changer and he doesn’t really need the added drama of having a new girlfriend and an unhappy baby mama. Maybe once the baby is born and this guy figures out what role he really wants to play in his child’s life, you two could revisit the idea of being in a relationship together.

TaraMonster TaraMonster July 5, 2011, 10:05 pm

I agree that the ex might hate her. I think that it’s odd the LW wrote that since it may indicate she already knows how the preggo ex may react. Maybe her bf has repeated something to her. I don’t know, but I’m definitely not arguing that the pregnant ex would NOT be upset. I’m not presuming to know what the ex feels at all. For all we know she’s a normal chick who feels stressed and nervous about impending motherhood, I just don’t think this is something the LW should stick around to find out.

avatar justpeachy July 5, 2011, 3:22 pm

Even if you don’t want to completely MOA from this guy, at least take a break from him. Give him time to figure out if he is the father, and if he is the father, what kind of role he’ll have in the kid’s life and how he’ll deal with the ex. Once everything is straightened out, in at least a year if he is the father, consider dating him then.

avatar Yozi July 5, 2011, 3:22 pm


avatar Kate July 5, 2011, 3:34 pm

Took the word out of my mouth.

avatar camille905 July 5, 2011, 3:27 pm

Wow. I’m kind of surprised by all the negative comments. I think at two months, you at least have a general idea of where you’re heading with someone, sort of like how you can tell by half way through the first date whether or not you want to go out with someone again. If I found out my boyfriend (who I’ve been seeing for two months) had a baby on the way, I wouldn’t ditch him. I would probably listen to Wendy and cool things down a bit to see how things were going.

A paternity test is DEFINITELY number one on the list. If it turns out he is the father, the LW needs to have a conversation with her boyfriend about expectations, etc. Also, the ex probably isn’t going to her hate her unless she’s crazy.

Everyone comes with baggage, it’s just a matter of deciding whether or not that person is worth the weight.

avatar TheOtherMe July 5, 2011, 3:32 pm

I agree Camille but it’s not just a question of her wanting to stay with him, it doesn’t say in the letter anything about him wanting to stay with her. That’s what would make me scared to go forward.

avatar Yozi July 5, 2011, 3:33 pm

People should deal with this kind of drama on their own. No third party deserves to be dragged into what’s about to go down. Please, LW, leave now before you loose years of your life to this.

avatar TheOtherMe July 5, 2011, 3:27 pm

I also think I would M.O.A.
This definitely puts a whole new twist on things. I think if it were me, I would be scared to get too involved and then he decides to go back to her because of the baby. But that’s just me.

avatar Jan July 6, 2011, 6:05 pm

This happened to me. He didn’t choose to get back together with her because of the baby, per se, but they had spent so much time together talking about how to handle the situation that they developed feelings for each other again. They’re married now.

avatar SpaceySteph July 5, 2011, 3:31 pm

I’m with everyone suggesting the ex might be a psycho liar (about the baby being his or there being a baby at all). Whatever the truth, this is not something that will improve your fledgling relationship. Give him a chance to sort out his life before you become a factor in it.

avatar demoiselle July 5, 2011, 3:53 pm

Why on earth are Wendy and other posters acting all paranoid about whether the baby is really the boyfriend’s? Of course, a paternity test is a good idea, but there is no suggestion in the letter that the LW or her boyfriend thinks his ex is being untruthful. Why jump on the evil ex bandwagon when there is no reason to think she’s a psycho man-trapping pathological liar:-)? The situation here seems common enough, so I don’t understand the knee-jerk, low level hostility towards the ex, who is in a really uncomfortable situation–pregnant and alone.

avatar spaceboy761 July 5, 2011, 4:14 pm

For all we know, the BF knocked her up and bailed.

avatar TheOtherMe July 5, 2011, 4:15 pm

Oh you just love to add fuel to the fire don’t you ;)

avatar spaceboy761 July 5, 2011, 4:54 pm

I’m just saying that we shouldn’t be working on the assumption that the ex is a psychotic man-trapping bitch. We have no idea.

avatar Maracuya July 5, 2011, 5:23 pm

I’m in complete agreement with this thread. Nowhere did the LW even hint at the crazy. I think she should just MOA since it seems like a lot of baby daddy drama to be dealing with in your (I’m guessing) early 20s.

avatar JJ July 5, 2011, 3:54 pm

LW-I would MOA as well. I have had to deal with my boyfriend’s ex and while I haven’t met her (thank goodness), she has done nothing except spread lies about different things and just being a total psycho bitch. Both my boyfriend and I had to change our numbers and block her on everything. She’s a few years younger than me and she is full of delusions and craziness. I will be moving in with my boyfriend in just a few short weeks and I am so glad that we will be at least three hours from where she is. My point is that you should just move on. It’s just going to worse as time passes and trust me, you don’t want to be involved with that. Let him deal with his issues. Two months is not enough to deal with this drama. I still have a fear that I will run into her because it will get ugly. Leave as soon as possible.

avatar Morgan July 5, 2011, 4:51 pm

If this ex turns out to be like your boyfriend’s ex, then I certainly agree with most of what you said (and sorry you had to deal with that, btw. Geez. Glad you’re able to move away). But nothing in this letter indicates that his ex is like this. She could just be alone, kinda scared, and not sure what to do, but sure she wants to keep the baby and sure the father at least has a right to know the kid exists. Or it could be not his but she wants him back, or she could be delusional and making it up, or it could be his and she’s a psycho who is going to make this man and the LW’s lives hell. But it is possible that the ex will handle the situation with class and try to make this work as amicably as the situation allows. I wouldn’t recommend the LW flee on account of the ex alone, until the ex does something to indicate fleeing is called for.

avatar JJ July 5, 2011, 5:18 pm

Yes while it is true that the ex may handle this with class, there is still that possibility that she just wants to create trouble. We don’t know the whole story, just what we know about the boyfriend and the LW. Also, the boyfriend moved on pretty quick from his ex girlfriend and maybe he did know that she was pregnant or maybe he didn’t. There are a lot of possibilities to this situation and I do hope that we get an update from the LW to see how she handled it.

avatar SGMcG July 5, 2011, 4:34 pm

Irregardless of whether you’re ready for step-mommyhood or not, your boyfriend, the minute he found out his ex was pregnant, is a father. I don’t know how involved a father your boyfriend will be or not (heck, for all we know the ex may be lying), but if he acknowledges his responsibility and agrees to put his name on the birth certificate, he is a father. It is up to him to decide whether he wants to be an involved father or not, but as of this moment, your relationship with him is now automatically a notch lower on the importance scale.

LW, in the two months you’ve known him, is knowing that you’re less important now something you can deal with? Have you talked to your boyfriend yet as to what he wants to do? Because no matter what he decides regarding fatherhood, be sure to support him in his desire for involvement or resolution regarding the child. Whether you should MOA or not from the situation is really not up to me though – I don’t know how good of a relationship you have with your boyfriend.

Personally, if it were me, I would MOA because if someone is having sex without a condom in this day and age with all the known potential consequences that could happen, that’s a dealbreaker for me. I don’t care if they were in a committed relationship or not. I just couldn’t be with someone so irresponsible with regards to birth control and disease prevention. It’s a health thing.

avatar camille905 July 5, 2011, 4:44 pm

On the birth control note- NO FORM of birth control is 100% effective, including condoms, the pill, etc. But if they were in a committed relationship, it’s possible they both got tested and were disease free and only she was using birth control, which again is NOT 100% effective. Most of us take that risk. I don’t see it as being irresponsible.

avatar MissDre July 5, 2011, 4:58 pm

Same here. My boyfriend and I were both tested. We’re both clean. I go for my pap test every year and I’m good. So we’re comfortable just using the pill. I don’t see how that’s irresponsible.

caitie_didnt caitie_didn't July 5, 2011, 5:20 pm

Same here. You take a risk anytime you have sex because no birth control is 100%, but this is an educated risk, not an irresponsible one.

avatar Maracuya July 5, 2011, 5:24 pm

Well, I think SGMcG was making the assumption that it was unprotected, not pill only.

avatar Grammar Fiend July 5, 2011, 5:09 pm

Irregardless is not a word.

avatar Stacia July 9, 2011, 9:46 pm

According to this http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/irregardless, it’s a word.

avatar Rachelgrace53 July 5, 2011, 5:25 pm

Consult Gilmore Girls Season 6 to see how horribly this situation could play out.

P.S. If you get this reference, you’re awesome in my book.

avatar Lexington July 5, 2011, 6:42 pm

Gilmore Girls Season 6 just should not have existed at all.

avatar Rachelgrace53 July 6, 2011, 3:42 am

TOTALLY AGREE. And season 7 was even worse…

avatar spaceboy761 July 6, 2011, 9:30 am

Eh. 6 was tolerable, 7 was bad.

avatar Rachelgrace53 July 6, 2011, 1:06 pm

Yeah at least season 6 had highlights like Lane and Zach’s wedding. The only claim to fame 7 had was the final episode. I barely remember the rest of it…

avatar Morgan July 5, 2011, 7:39 pm

First thing I thought of too!

landygirl Landygirl July 5, 2011, 5:30 pm

“the first time we met in person was like magic. We have a really deep connection”

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that phrase, I’d be a millionaire. It probably won’t be the last time the LW utters that phrase either. Many times, we create what isn’t (magical feelings) because it’s what we long for.

You’re putting the cart way before the horse, you don’t know this guy well enough to decide the future. IMO, you should stop seeing him now because it will only get more complicated.

avatar moonflowers July 5, 2011, 8:52 pm

Even worse, that feeling is sometimes a sign of an unhealthy pattern – “You remind me strongly of someone who abused or let me down in the past, except I know this time will be different!” Not a healthy start.

avatar Name July 5, 2011, 10:06 pm

thankyou for that lightbulb moment

avatar *HmC* July 5, 2011, 5:56 pm

Wow…I had a good friend go through this exact thing a couple years ago, except his “ex” had just been a casual fling. Just like with this girl, my friend had already hopelessly fallen, and suddenly had to deal with potential step mommy issues. I don’t have much advice to add, but seriously, this could kind of happen to anyone, and can you even imagine how much it would suck? Really makes you appreciate the consequences of sex.

avatar Marie July 5, 2011, 8:46 pm

I love how people assumes everyone’s exes are psychos.I’m sure a lot of you are exes,so are you psychos too?

avatar moonflowers July 5, 2011, 8:57 pm

I think it’s a bad sign if someone characterizes *all* of his/her exes as psychos. They are exes now only because they once were deemed ok to enter into a relationship with, so either the picking process was flawed (too speedy, too idealistic, etc.), the exes are being falsely depicted as crazy, or people are refusing to take responsibility for the mistakes they made that contributed to the breakup. And none of these reflect well on the people claiming their exes are nuts, though it might be excusable if they’re really inexperienced at dating.

avatar Marie July 5, 2011, 9:08 pm

Oh,I meant “all” exes.And whenever a guy tells me all his exes are crazy,two thoughts come to my mind:

1.He is the crazy one who treated his exes poorly.And then he exaggerated their reactions,depicting them as crazy.

2.The guy is a great guy,but he is a terrible judge of character.

Neither of these two traits are appealing.

avatar Marie July 5, 2011, 9:11 pm

*is appealing god what’s wrong with me today?

avatar mcminnem July 5, 2011, 10:33 pm

“are appealing” is actually correct. Two traits, so it’s plural. You were right! :p

avatar Marie July 5, 2011, 10:53 pm

no,it’s “is appealing” because of the word neither.it’s a common error!

avatar Marie July 5, 2011, 9:04 pm


avatar Marie July 5, 2011, 8:56 pm

The LW should move on.Not necessarily for good,but for now she should.Dating someone for two months is not a long time at all and it sounds like she jumped into a relationship with this guy.At two months you’re still getting to know each other.I’ve been with my boyfriend only since March,having known him since September of 2009 and we’re still learning things about each other!

She doesn’t need to drop him from her life but she needs to take a step back and examine what she would want out of a relationship with him.And if he meets her criteria and he is still available after a longer period of time,they can try dating again.But for now they should cool off.

avatar JJ July 5, 2011, 10:57 pm

Just so I clear things up, I didn’t mean that all exes are psychos. I just meant that my boyfriend’s most recent ex is very immature, even calling me while I was at my internship spreading lies which I know for a fact are not true. To me, that is some level of crazy and delusional, even trying to make it seem that they are still together when he talks to me every night, I just spent the last week with him before I move in with him. There are different reasons why I don’t talk to any of my exes, and not because they are completely nuts-just that I do not wish to have contact.

Of course, the LW’s boyfriend has decisions that he needs to make and so does the LW. And if in fact, he is the father, the ex will always be a part of her boyfriend’s life and it doesn’t seem that the LW is ready to deal with that situation after only dating the guy for two months. I just hope that she makes the right decision for herself. Good luck LW !

avatar Jan July 6, 2011, 6:00 pm

This happened to me in 2008… and all I can say is MOA. The unfortunate thing about being in your situation is that if he’s a decent guy, the baby and the mother of his child should and will always come first. Always.

By being supportive of the guy I was involved with when his ex told him she was pregnant with his child, I heard far more than I wanted or needed to know. It was painful, and, frankly, I felt like I was invading on the girl’s privacy. I heard about the relationship he had with her in the past. He told me that he had been visiting her every night while they had “what are we going to do?” talks. I heard all about how they weighed the pros and cons of getting an abortion, and how sad he was that she didn’t want to keep the baby.

My heart goes out to you. Please, MOA.

bittergaymark bittergaymark July 8, 2011, 1:55 pm

What a mess. This is why I am very much PRO-ABORTION. Not pro-choice. In stupid, messy situations like this, I am simply PRO-ABORTION. Anybody out there REALLY think this child isn’t going to grow up knowing it was an inconvenience? Anybody out there REALLY think it’s going to grow up happy, mentally healthy and wanted?

Meanwhile, look around. The world is overpopulated. WAY OVER POPULATED.

Maybe more and more of the senseless, reckless breeders should get their fucking shit together and ONLY get pregnant when it makes sense. When they are ready. Really, it’s so NOT that hard. Meaning that all these fucking “accidents” are really just the result of people being dumb and careless and, frankly, I am sick of giving advice as to how make it better and more convenient for you guys. Fuck them and their lives. I hope they truly suck. It would serve them right, and maybe then others would, I dunno, actually pay attention and learn from their mistakes…

Of course, the LW is completely innocent in all of this. And that’s why I say she should simply run. Run far away. She can and WILL do better than some moron who apparently has only a 8 year old’s idea of the birds and the bees.