Please note that my husband has many female friends, very attractive at that, but I see nothing excessive or inappropriate in their behavior. I know his exes and even have a soft spot and liking for some of them. But this classmate of mine irks me for some reason.
When I asked questions, very kindly and politely, pointing out that other friends had questions too, my classmate acted resentful. She even made me look like I was a bully!!! So, my husband got mad at me too. How could he know I wrote to ask her things if she didn’t tell him? Or forward him my texts? I knew because my husband would talk about things she and I talked about, even using some phrases from those texts. I believe she manipulated him and I also feel like they “ganged up” on me. But I stayed very kind. After all, the woman in this case is my friend/classmate. Yet she made me look like I was so mean when I never was in my queries or approach. It hurt a lot.
Anyway, it caused a rift between my husband and me, one that escalated into my crying for a week. My husband berated me as if I were so horrible to her when I truly was not. After that bad time, he kept his distance from her for a while. He cannot have forgotten how I felt, so why is he going back this month to liking her posts, and even commenting too, after what he and I went through just weeks ago? And the woman is liking his comments as well. How can they be so forgetful and insensitive?
They BOTH know I was very uncomfortable, so why are they being like this? I have since stopped going on Facebook so I don’t have to see their reacting with each other. I’m also afraid to bring it up again to my husband after how I was treated the last time by them both. — Wishing They Weren’t Friends<
I’m not sure I understand. You call this woman a friend, you invited her to your wedding and she came. And yet, you’re super offended that she’s friends with your husband on Facebook and that they like each other’s posts? That’s not… normal. It’s not normal to be so threatened by a friend and so distrusting of your brand new husband that the idea of their being Facebook-connected freaks you out this much. Why be friends with this woman if you don’t like her or trust her? Why marry your husband if you have so little trust in him that his Facebook “friendship” with another woman would upset you this much?
I can understand why you’d be peeved that it seems they are discussing you behind your back — that this “friend” would repeat to your husband the “questions” you “politely” asked her (I’d love to know what the polite questions were!), but what I don’t understand is getting so offended and freaked out by this friendship in the first place. There must be some reason you’re so threatened by it. THAT is the part you need to focus on. What is it you’re afraid is going to happen (or is happening) by your husband and this woman being connected on FB? What do you think it symbolizes? There must be some concern you have about your husband (and this woman, but she really shouldn’t matter) that this connection is affirming for you. And to have that kind of concern about your husband, especially as a brand-new newlywed — that is the problem. That your husband seems to have so little regard for your feelings about this isn’t anything to shrug off, either. Even if your concerns may seem invalid to him, he owes you the respect of considering your feelings more than some woman he met through you at your wedding!
Something is definitely off here — something more than just a few FB likes. You have a lot to discuss with your husband (with your husband, not the “friend”!) — how you have some trust issues, how you resent his disregarding your feelings and seemingly siding with this random woman over you. If you can’t work this out on your own, seek counseling. It’s a major red flag to be this “off” immediately following your wedding. It tells me that something was likely “off” before the wedding and this whole situation is simply bringing to light what wasn’t dealt with adequately (or at all) before you got married.
He told his friend about your abortion?! Oh, hell no. Your boyfriend can be “disappointed” in potential difference in values, but unless you actively did something to him, he has no reason to be “hurt” by a personal decision you made two years ago that doesn’t even affect him. You had no obligation to tell him about your abortion. But you did — one would assume because you love him and trust him and wanted to share this with him because you think it has some bearing on who you are and maybe decisions you make now. He should have felt honored that you trusted him enough to share with him — that you loved him enough to want to be open about something that was likely painful and unpleasant. And instead of reacting lovingly, he tells you he’s hurt, he wants to end the relationship, and then he goes off and shares your private experience with his friend and says he wants to forget you? And you think you can’t “afford” to lose him? Fuck that! This guy is a Grade A asshole. If you can’t afford to lose a loser, then you need more help than I can give in a short advice column.
Honestly, you can do better. And when you do, if you decide to share the personal history of your abortion, find out first how the guy feels about a woman’s right to choose and be in control of her reproductive health decisions and her body. If your values don’t align, not only should you resist sharing your experience, but you should also probably re-evaluate the relationship. What a man thinks about a woman’s right to choose can tell you a lot about your compatibility, especially since you may have to make decisions in the future regarding your reproductive health that may directly affect him. If you value your right to be the primary decision-maker in choices that directly involve your body, stay away from men who don’t think you should have that right.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.