We regularly bump into each other and we have both been apparently single throughout this time period. He has been too hesitant to make a move although he professes to be in love with me and to be seeking a long-term relationship, even going as far as to discuss the possibility of marriage – all without even a single date so far.
He is moving overseas in November on a Fellowship Program and has hinted at flying me over “to visit him for a date,” which is strange as he has barely made a move all these years. Since the day I met him, whenever I see him I always have a recurring dream that very same night warning me to “be careful” as he is apparently “not whom I think he is,” which may be my subconscious mind reacting to my fears regarding his sexual history from his days at Medical School. I am concerned consciously about any STDs he may carry possibly even without his own knowledge. He makes no bones about the fact that his two exes post- Med School, including Baby Mama, resent him, walked out on him, and are each now married with kids to other men.
I am not enamored with him although he clearly is with me. Up until the beginning of this year I was wholly willing to give him a chance if only to see where things could go as I have been single and celibate, focusing on my spirituality, for several years now. Now that I’m turning 32 later this month I feel I want to travel and meet new faces in new places, so I really have no idea how to handle this man in that respect. Please provide me with a perspective on this situation in the context of my new endeavors. — Ready to Travel
Uh, no. I only had to read the first sentence to know the answer here is a clear and resounding MOA! You should never leave a medical procedure with the feeling that the physician has the hots for you. If that ever happens, that is a clear red flag that the person is a bad person and a worse doctor, and you should run! (And file a complaint!) There are so many other red flags here — that you know so much about his sexual and romantic history without ever having a single date with him, that two of his exes resent him, that he’s suggested flying you overseas for a date when he’s never taken you out on a date locally. It’s all so weird, troublesome, and, frankly, really sick to think this grossly unprofessional person is in regular contact with female patients in super vulnerable positions, saying who knows what to whomever else. Run! File a complaint on him! And, yes: Definitely travel and see the world and meet new people, but go with friends or on your own, not with this scary loser who sounds like the kind of guy who’d probably drug your drink in Morocco and take you for a camel ride you didn’t consent to.
Well, if I were Gary, I, too, would be upset if you agreed to join me at my daughter’s special event and then declined. Unless it was a real emergency, I’m not sure why you had to miss the event. But, let’s say it was an emergency or it was literally the only time you could address this problem in your house you’re trying to sell: In that case, I would hope you were very apologetic to Gary and his daughter and suggested something to make it up to them, like taking them out for dinner as soon as you were available, for example. It’s unclear from your letter if you got the problem in your house fixed before the event and still skipped it, opting instead to go hang out at your son’s home on Saturday night while Gary was with his daughter wishing you were there, too. If that’s how it happened, then that was pretty shitty of you, and if I were Gary, I’d be hurt and upset.
As for Gary accusing you of having a boyfriend, that’s quite a leap! And his not liking it when your girlfriend buys plane tickets for you to come visit her in Florida is weird, too. All of this is enough to suggest this relationship is off-course, and you say this is only “part of what’s going on.” Add to that the fact that you’ve been having a “rocky road” lately and you haven’t spoken since he accused you of having a boyfriend, and I think it’s probably safe to say that your vacation together is probably going to suck. I guess I’d reach out to him and touch base and see where things stand. Do you even want to try to salvage this relationship? It doesn’t sound like it. Why not use this trip to Florida to visit your girlfriend? Tell Gary that that’s what you’re planning to do and he’ll probably skip the trip and save you the trouble of breaking up with him when you get back…
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.