Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Doctor Has the Hots for Me”

A physician who screened me for breast cancer in January 2015 has had the hots for me since day one. He is two years older than I am and is a single father to a son. His Baby Mama bailed out on them when the kid was weeks old, and much to his surprise, at 31 I don’t have any children and I’ve never been pregnant.

We regularly bump into each other and we have both been apparently single throughout this time period. He has been too hesitant to make a move although he professes to be in love with me and to be seeking a long-term relationship, even going as far as to discuss the possibility of marriage – all without even a single date so far.

He is moving overseas in November on a Fellowship Program and has hinted at flying me over “to visit him for a date,” which is strange as he has barely made a move all these years. Since the day I met him, whenever I see him I always have a recurring dream that very same night warning me to “be careful” as he is apparently “not whom I think he is,” which may be my subconscious mind reacting to my fears regarding his sexual history from his days at Medical School. I am concerned consciously about any STDs he may carry possibly even without his own knowledge. He makes no bones about the fact that his two exes post- Med School, including Baby Mama, resent him, walked out on him, and are each now married with kids to other men.

I am not enamored with him although he clearly is with me. Up until the beginning of this year I was wholly willing to give him a chance if only to see where things could go as I have been single and celibate, focusing on my spirituality, for several years now. Now that I’m turning 32 later this month I feel I want to travel and meet new faces in new places, so I really have no idea how to handle this man in that respect. Please provide me with a perspective on this situation in the context of my new endeavors. — Ready to Travel

Uh, no. I only had to read the first sentence to know the answer here is a clear and resounding MOA! You should never leave a medical procedure with the feeling that the physician has the hots for you. If that ever happens, that is a clear red flag that the person is a bad person and a worse doctor, and you should run! (And file a complaint!) There are so many other red flags here — that you know so much about his sexual and romantic history without ever having a single date with him, that two of his exes resent him, that he’s suggested flying you overseas for a date when he’s never taken you out on a date locally. It’s all so weird, troublesome, and, frankly, really sick to think this grossly unprofessional person is in regular contact with female patients in super vulnerable positions, saying who knows what to whomever else. Run! File a complaint on him! And, yes: Definitely travel and see the world and meet new people, but go with friends or on your own, not with this scary loser who sounds like the kind of guy who’d probably drug your drink in Morocco and take you for a camel ride you didn’t consent to.

I’ve been dating a man, “Gary,” for four years. I had already told Gary I would go with him to his daughter’s special event, but then I had to decline because I’m in the process of selling my home and was having a problem that needed to be addressed immediately. That was on a Thursday; by Saturday the issue was resolved and I was at my son’s home that evening when Gary called. He was mad at me for being at my son’s and accused me of having a boyfriend, which is not true. Although we have been on a pretty rocky road lately, we are leaving in a couple days to go to Florida for a week and a half, but we haven’t spoken since that night. I guess my question is: Does it sound like Gary is a controller? He doesn’t like it when a friend of mine — a woman — buys me plane tickets to come to Florida and spend time with her. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but he does. That’s just part of what’s going on, and I hope that you can maybe give me an answer that I can understand. — Maybe Being Controlled?

 
Well, if I were Gary, I, too, would be upset if you agreed to join me at my daughter’s special event and then declined. Unless it was a real emergency, I’m not sure why you had to miss the event. But, let’s say it was an emergency or it was literally the only time you could address this problem in your house you’re trying to sell: In that case, I would hope you were very apologetic to Gary and his daughter and suggested something to make it up to them, like taking them out for dinner as soon as you were available, for example. It’s unclear from your letter if you got the problem in your house fixed before the event and still skipped it, opting instead to go hang out at your son’s home on Saturday night while Gary was with his daughter wishing you were there, too. If that’s how it happened, then that was pretty shitty of you, and if I were Gary, I’d be hurt and upset.

As for Gary accusing you of having a boyfriend, that’s quite a leap! And his not liking it when your girlfriend buys plane tickets for you to come visit her in Florida is weird, too. All of this is enough to suggest this relationship is off-course, and you say this is only “part of what’s going on.” Add to that the fact that you’ve been having a “rocky road” lately and you haven’t spoken since he accused you of having a boyfriend, and I think it’s probably safe to say that your vacation together is probably going to suck. I guess I’d reach out to him and touch base and see where things stand. Do you even want to try to salvage this relationship? It doesn’t sound like it. Why not use this trip to Florida to visit your girlfriend? Tell Gary that that’s what you’re planning to do and he’ll probably skip the trip and save you the trouble of breaking up with him when you get back…

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy​(AT)​dearwendy.com.

14 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Northern Star October 19, 2017, 10:02 am

    Gary’s daughter’s “special event” wasn’t a wedding, was it?

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  • avatar

    Vathena October 19, 2017, 10:25 am

    Wow, there is so much NOPE in the first letter that I don’t even know where to start. A doctor should never be coming on to their patients. I’m pretty sure that’s a violation of some kind of rules. Telling you he loves you and talking about marriage before ever asking if you might like to grab a cup of coffee? Nope. Telling you about his exes and sexual history? Nope. Your biggest concern being that he slept around in medical school? ???WTF??? Add in the fact that *YOU DON’T EVEN LIKE HIM*. Walk away! Stop talking to him! And you should sure as shit report him and find another doctor.

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  • juliecatharine

    Juliecatharine October 19, 2017, 10:27 am

    LW1 I’m really concerned that you are 32, have no interest in this man, have recurring nightmares about him, he is wildly inappropriate in a clinical setting, and you need to write to Wendy to figure out what to do. Stop talking to this shady weirdo! Seriously, it’s worrisome that you would entertain this guy in any fashion.

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  • avatar

    Wendys Dad October 19, 2017, 10:53 am

    Oh boy! My kid is funny. I almost spit out my coffee when I read that he might “take you for a camel ride you didn’t consent to.” Made me laugh.

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  • avatar

    LisforLeslie October 19, 2017, 11:07 am

    OMG LW#1 – what the ever living F? In the US and most countries it is completely and absolutely illegal to have a romantic relationship with your patient(s). FIND A NEW DOCTOR. Unless you live in a really small town – there must be other options. If you run into him – tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not interested. You have a lot of control – use it!

    LW#2 – WWS – I’m hoping that the event wasn’t local or some reasonable excuse for bailing. That said – it doesn’t sound like you are happy. You’re allowed to break up with someone at any point for any reason. Breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t take two and it doesn’t require agreement of all parties.

    Hi Wendy’s Dad!

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom October 19, 2017, 11:28 am

    LW1 This guy is creepy. You have to ask why he would want to fly you to a foreign country for a date when he doesn’t date you here. Why does he need to get you out of the country to see you? I can’t think of any good reasons and lots of bad ones. Would you end up in a country where you were trapped? Would you just disappear?

    Put a lot of distance between you and this guy.

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    • Cleopatra Jones

      Cleopatra Jones October 20, 2017, 9:08 am

      #1 sounds like the intro to either a Law & Order: SVU episode or Forensic Files episode. There’s absolutely nothing romantic about his creepiness, and I’m very concerned for LW’s safety.

      Although Wendy is correct about ‘a camel ride she didn’t consent too’, I think that would be the best case scenario. Worst case scenario involves everything from being held hostage and not allowed to return home to finding pieces of her scattered across a foreign country.

      Girl, DO. NOT. GO. A. TRIP. WITH. HIM!!! In fact, you should report him to a professional board so he doesn’t do this to other women.

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  • Moneypenny

    Moneypenny October 19, 2017, 11:58 am

    Oh geez. If I squint really hard #1 looks like the makings for some really bad romantic movie. But reality? Nope. This is super creepy. I would find a new doc stat, file a complaint, and change your number.

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  • avatar

    ele4phant October 19, 2017, 12:25 pm

    LW1 – a lot of detail when the answer is pretty simple. You’re not interested in that guy, so don’t date him.

    Setting aside his wholly inappropriate and unprofessional behavior, your concerns about his past romantic history, the potential distance, and your own desire to not be tied into a relationship at the moment – if you’re not attracted to someone you don’t date them even if there are no red flags (which this guy has aplenty).

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  • avatar

    dinoceros October 19, 2017, 5:49 pm

    LW1: Anyone who thinks they are in love with someone after simply meeting them and screening them for cancer is either delusional or trying to manipulate you. Anyone who goes along with it is also delusional or super naive. You said you don’t like him the way he likes you. Don’t use him for vacations. If you want to travel, then travel. Don’t leave with some creepy guy you barely know.

    LW2: Not enough info to really give an opinion. I mean, sure, someone shouldn’t get bothered by you traveling to see a friend from time to time. Also not a great sign when someone accuses you of cheating when you aren’t. You said things are rocky. Why? It’s hard to define the issues in your relationship while knowing nothing about it.

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  • avatar

    Sarah October 20, 2017, 12:57 am

    LW1: My first thought was whether she was actually just delusional and imagining everything. Maybe she just imagined his interest and his whole back story.

    Why did he fall in love with YOUR breasts and not someone else’s? You can’t be his first breast cancer screen!

    “We regularly bump into each other” = stalking?

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  • avatar

    Leslie Joan October 20, 2017, 2:48 am

    Welp, LW1, if you’re interested in traveling and meeting new faces in new places, you definitely don’t want to be traveling to get together with Doctor McCreepy. He’s going to have the same face wherever he goes, and he’s not going to be any less weird or creepy, no matter where he is.

    You seem oddly focused on the possibility of STDs and not enough on his weird and unethical behavior. Read Gavin DeBecker’s book, The Gift of Fear, and start paying a lot more attention to your concerns. And don’t even consider traveling to a foreign country to see someone who won’t make a move to date you in this. Maybe worry a little less about spirituality and more about practicality.

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  • avatar

    Jen October 20, 2017, 8:11 am

    Has anyone read behind closed doors? The first LWs dr is giving me that vibe.

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