Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Ex Booty Call Just Friended Me on Facebook”

I’m a 20-year-old college sophomore on the West Coast. In September I met a guy online and we really hit it off. Soon after we decided to meet. It didn’t take long to realize that with the distance and our conflicting schedules a good relationship was not feasible. We never really discussed it though and we ended up hooking up in the back of his car every so often when he was free or he’d come to my dorm for a few hours when my roommates were away for the night. After a little while, I told him I felt used and shortly after I told him we should probably call it quits. He agreed and that was it … or so I thought.

A couple weeks later I searched his username online and I found a blog of his that described his sexual experiences. He wrote about four girls he’d been with, including me. He wrote some pretty harsh stuff about me. He talked about how he’d “always wanted to have sex with a black girl because of some derivative from his slave-owning ancestors” and how he wanted to pretend I was “an African temptress he wanted to tame” (and, yes, he is white). He said that after a while the cost of gas (mind you he only lives 20 mins away) made “the interaction lose its appeal and that it was trashy and cliche.”

Initially, I was very upset about what he wrote because, although our “relationship” was primarily based on sex, I thought we had reached a sort of mutual respect and that we kinda connected on a deeper level. The whole car thing was his idea in the first place, so it was not my fault it was trashy. I told him I had found his blog hoping he’d feel bad about what he wrote. He didn’t respond, but a few days later he deleted the entire thing.

I felt a little bad about embarrassing him like that because he clearly did not intend for someone he knew to actually read that, but in the end I decided it wasn’t that big of a deal because we were probably never going to see each other again or talk to each other, so why not let it go?

So there I was moving on with my life and studying for finals when suddenly he friend requests me on Facebook! It looks like he just created his Facebook page a couple weeks ago. I’m so confused as to why he’d friend me. I don’t even know how he knew my last name! I accepted the request, but he hasn’t said anything to me yet. I don’t understand what he could possibly be thinking. I’m going back home for the summer and then I’ll be studying abroad in Spain for the fall, and he knows this. What could he possibly want from me now?

I’m wondering if I should just message him and ask him what’s up, but then again shouldn’t he be doing that since he sent me the request? Am I making too big a deal of this or does something seem fishy? — Not His African Temptress

Yes, you are making too big a deal of this. If he just created his Facebook page, it’s very likely that Facebook gave him the option of friend requesting all of his email contacts who are on the site. If the email address he has for you is the same one you use to log-in to Facebook, that would explain how he “found” you. It’s possible he didn’t even realize a friend request had been sent to you. Or, if he did, it’s also possible that he didn’t “mean” anything by it at all, and his sole intention was to pad his friends list with any contact he’s ever had who will accept his request. Honestly, it sounds like you’re reading way more into it than what was intended.

But here’s where I’m confused: why do you care? Why are you still thinking about this guy? Why did you accept his friend request in the first place? This guy is a total jerk. You two didn’t share anything other than random sex, most of which was in the back of a car. He totally used you to fulfill some sort of weird interracial fantasy. He didn’t date you. He didn’t treat you like a friend. From the sounds of it, he didn’t even treat you like a real person. He treated you like his personal plaything. To your credit, when you realized that he wasn’t giving you the respect you wanted, you called it quits. But to even think about re-opening the lines of communication with this jerk, especially now that you know why he was really using you, is crazy.

De-friend the loser immediately. Don’t email him, don’t text him, don’t waste another minute thinking about him, his motives, or what he could possibly want from you. Just drop the guy from every aspect of your life and MOA. He doesn’t deserve another second of your energy. And in the future, don’t bone someone who can’t even be bothered to learn your last name. Make ’em work at least that hard.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter and ‘like’ me on Facebook.

72 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Amanda May 9, 2012, 9:05 am

    “He talked about how he’d “always wanted to have sex with a black girl because of some derivative from his slave-owning ancestors” and how he wanted to pretend I was “an African temptress he wanted to tame” (and, yes, he is white).”

    LW, why don’t you send him a message like: “Go to hell you racist douche! Don’t contact me again.”

    Seriously, what a douche.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      feelingroovy May 9, 2012, 2:49 pm

      She should write it on his wall so other people can see…

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    Violet May 9, 2012, 9:10 am

    This dude is an ass. Wendy is spot on, this is a waste. Just forget about him and move on with your life, it would appear you have a lot of new experiences to look forward to in the near future.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    oldie May 9, 2012, 9:11 am

    Best and easiest — have no contact with him. Pretend you never received the friend request. SOme of these are automatic, system generated scrounges of a person’s address book anyway, aren’t they, so it’s possible he didn’t actually send the friend request himself.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    kerrycontrary May 9, 2012, 9:13 am

    “Initially, I was very upset about what he wrote because although our “relationship” was primarily based on sex I thought we had reached a sort of mutual respect and that we kinda connected on a deeper level.” Uh, yeh, I’d be upset too if anyone wrote on the INTERNET about having sex with me. Even if he deleted his blog that information is floating around there forever. And for future reference, do not assume that you have connected on a deeper level with anyone unless you have a friendship or a relationship with them. You had neither with this guy. I don’t mean to be harsh, a lot of girls in college/early 20s go through on FWB or hookup situation where they end up feeling used. It’s cool, I’ve been there. Just learn from it.

    “I felt a little bad about embarrassing him like that because he clearly did not intend for someone he knew to actually read that….” Yes he did! If he didn’t want anyone to read it he shouldn’t have written it. Do not feel bad for this guy being a complete creep. Cut off all contact with him and don’t respond if he contacts you.

    Reply Link
    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow May 9, 2012, 10:23 am

      I love how they connected on a “deeper level” without knowing each other’s last names.

      Reply Link
      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow May 9, 2012, 10:28 am

        I’m sorry if that came off as unnecessarily snarky and slut-shaming. I love random hookups as much as the next person, but sometimes sex is just sex and not something deeper. And good on you, LW, for standing up for yourself and ditching the douche. Go unfriend him now!

        Link
  • avatar

    Desiree May 9, 2012, 9:14 am

    “He agreed and that was it … or so I thought.” When you want something to be over with a guy, DON’T go online and Google his username. That’s just you making trouble for yourself.

    Reply Link
    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow May 9, 2012, 11:25 am

      After it’s over, yeah, just let it go. But I’m glad she found the blog because she got him to delete it and learned what a TOTAL ass he is. This is why I highly recommend (legal) internet stalking BEFORE getting involved with someone. 🙂

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        feelingroovy May 9, 2012, 2:51 pm

        Oh hell yes. I can Google myself out of love every time.

        Link
  • Budj

    Budj May 9, 2012, 9:15 am

    Yowzer…Wendy nailed it…in this age of the interwebz I just can not fathom how this guy would think he would be able to pull a more racist Tucker Max using his real identity and not have to fess up to it at some point…

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Taylor May 9, 2012, 9:31 am

      “…racist Tucker Max” – spot on!
      LW, this guy is NOT worth your energy. Men let you know what they want from you – and he let you know, and you dumped him (good call!). And some general advice – being “hard to get” does not in any way equal “worth getting”.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      bethany May 9, 2012, 10:21 am

      omg- I hung out with Tucker Max in Vegas a few years ago…Total loser.

      Reply Link
      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow May 9, 2012, 10:25 am

        YUCK!

        Link
      • avatar

        bethany May 9, 2012, 10:31 am

        To clarify- I did NOT hook up with him!!!! Although my (former) friend did (a few times) and apparently got some sort of STD from him…

        Link
      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow May 9, 2012, 10:32 am

        That doesn’t surprise me.

        Link
      • avatar

        Taylor May 9, 2012, 11:20 am

        Ewwwwwwww.

        Link
      • avatar

        Guy Friday May 9, 2012, 12:45 pm

        I don’t have anything to add to this, really, but bbPress is saying my IP is a Spam IP, so I’m just trying to see if I can even post here. Sorry!

        Link
      • Dear Wendy

        Wendy May 9, 2012, 12:50 pm

        Oh, damn. I’m working on trying to keep real spam off the forums. Let me do some more tweaking so real people aren’t kept away. Sorry!

        Link
      • avatar

        Guy Friday May 9, 2012, 12:52 pm

        No worries. I just figured you’d notice if I posted here 🙂

        Link
      • Dear Wendy

        Wendy May 9, 2012, 1:01 pm

        Will you try again to post in the forums now and see if you can?

        Link
      • avatar

        Guy Friday May 9, 2012, 1:13 pm

        I can now, from both my home and work computers (I’m remotely accessing home). Thanks!

        Link
      • Brad

        Brad May 9, 2012, 1:24 pm

        Wendy, If you make any formal posts about you installing new spam blocking tools on the site or anything to that effect, I respectfully demend you attach a picture of yourself wearing an apron wielding a broom or something similar and standing in that typical “super hero pose” with your head cocked to the side and a far off gaze. That would be really funny. haha.

        Link
    • avatar

      SiSisodaPop May 9, 2012, 2:42 pm

      I’m about to look dumb, but I really don’t want to google it from work….who the heck is Tucker Max?

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        bethany May 9, 2012, 2:46 pm

        He’s a drunken asshole who wrote a couple of funny books- Most notabley “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell”. It was a really funny book, but as a person he falls way short of what you’d expect from reading the book. He was lame/boring.

        Link
      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow May 9, 2012, 3:45 pm

        He basically made a living off of being the douchiest douche imaginable. He’s a professional douche.

        Link
    • dandywarhol

      dandywarhol May 9, 2012, 4:14 pm

      Ewww, you’re so right on the Tucker Max thing. I’m glad that’s who guys aspire to be these days…

      Reply Link
      • Budj

        Budj May 9, 2012, 4:20 pm

        The world has and will always have its tucker max’s…luckily their is a spectrum. Find yo’ flava.

        Link
      • Budj

        Budj May 9, 2012, 4:20 pm

        there….**

        Link
  • rainbow

    rainbow May 9, 2012, 9:20 am

    “I told him I had found his blog hoping he’d feel bad about what he wrote”
    If only it was that easy to make assholes feel bad. I don’t think he’s got it in him. Bad that you found out? Maybe. Bad that he wrote it in the first place? You wouldn’t have found it. This dude didn’t even consider it distasteful enough to use a secondary username.

    About the Facebook page: I don’t think he just signed up. Maybe what you’re seeing is his secondary account, the one he created to troll for girls / stay in contact with women he doesn’t care that much about without exposing his main one (main account and/or woman).

    About the dude: Seriously, WTF? Why did you ever accept his request?

    Douchelord Alert, MOA!

    Reply Link
    • rainbow

      rainbow May 9, 2012, 9:27 am

      Also, he wrote about you on the internet, with his real name, talking about how he’d “always wanted to have sex with a black girl because of some derivative from his slave-owning ancestors” and you “felt a little bad about embarrassing him like that” when you called him out on it?
      Don’t sweat it LW, there is NO WAY you could ever embarrass this man more than he embarrasses himself just by being alive and having an internet connection.

      Reply Link
      • Budj

        Budj May 9, 2012, 9:32 am

        yea – she should be proud she called him out on it and I’m actually impressed by the lack of negative response by her and merely calling his attention to it. She would have been within her rights to be super pissed, but she didn’t lash out and I respect that.

        Link
      • rainbow

        rainbow May 9, 2012, 12:12 pm

        I respect the fact that she can control herself so much also, but in this case I do believe that her findings called for a much much bigger reaction (like never EVER accepting a friend request from him again)

        Link
      • Budj

        Budj May 9, 2012, 12:23 pm

        oh yea – she definitely should not have accepted that request.

        Link
    • Leroy

      Leroy May 9, 2012, 10:56 am

      Good point about the secondary account. He may have a bunch of accounts, and a history of blowing them up.

      Reply Link
  • katie

    katie May 9, 2012, 9:22 am

    yea, friending someone on facebook isnt really a huge thing… i mean, i have a guy on my friends list who literally was a part time dishwasher at the country club i worked at for like a month. it really only means something if you give it meaning….

    Reply Link
  • Fabelle

    Fabelle May 9, 2012, 9:36 am

    Yeah, LW, you need to just write this guy off as a douche.

    I’m certain that he thought he was channeling Tucker Max or something with that tell-all blog, so try not to take it personally (even though, wow, that’s some horrifyingly racist bullshit) I don’t think he was trying to “reconnect” by friending you, either– some people friend anybody they have a passing acquaintance with. If you’re uncomfortable being his “friend” quietly un-friend him & forget he exists. (Also, in my opinion, having sex in cars in only trashy if you do it with a trashy person. Which this guy is.)

    Reply Link
    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow May 9, 2012, 10:33 am

      Yeah, sex in cars is fun.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    Micah May 9, 2012, 9:36 am

    Jeez, why do all these letters seem to talk about guys I’ve been involved with?? I guess that says something about my track record, huh..

    But anyway, girl, delete this douchewad off your facebook. Don’t waste another minute thinking about him. I know, I know, easier said than done, blah blah, but getting him out of your virtual space is the first step. Out of sight, out of mind. Good for you for knowing what you need in a relationship (a.k.a. not this a-hole), and good for you for telling him to take down that degrading blog post about you. But now you need to keep him out of your life, and the first step is un-friending him. Delete his number, his email… whatever contact info you have. He seems like a self-serving jerk, and he deserves absolutely 0% of your energy.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Matthew May 9, 2012, 9:39 am

    This guy is not worth spending another iota of thought on. He’s not a big deal and not worth it. And he certainly doesn’t want anything that you would want to give. Just remove him from your Friends list and go back to studying for finals.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      bethany May 9, 2012, 10:22 am

      Exactly!!

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    SweetPeaG May 9, 2012, 9:52 am

    Ugh… I so hate people sometimes. This guy sounds like the. worst.

    LW, definitely don’t contact this guy or give this guy any way to contact you. Do what Wendy says and defriend him.

    I can’t totally relate to your situation, but maybe I can venture a guess as to why you’re so baffled by him and even giving it a second thought. I think we’ve all (or a majority of us anyway) have been “used” by some sort of douchey character. And maybe in the back of our minds, to restore our own pride, want to believe that we are wrong… that this person actually does respect and like us. That they see us as a worthy human being (and not an African temptress).

    I once had a one night stand (that I didn’t know was a one night stand) with a guy I really liked. He apparently-unbeknownst to me- had a girlfriend. When he dropped off the face of the earth, I felt terrible because I had really liked him. A few years later, he friend requested me. And I accepted his friend request. And then I took part in flirtatious sexy texts and whatnot with him (he lived out of state). It restored a little of the self-esteem he had stomped on. I felt like “gee, this guy really does like me and remembered me after all this time!” It just made me feel better. Until it didn’t. And then I felt stupid all over again.

    Moral of the story? You don’t need this guy for anything. Reconnecting with him won’t make the awful things he said about you any better. He never showed any remorse for saying that dumb shit in his little blog. As Wendy mentioned, he is probably only friending you to pad his friends list. You know who you are and how awesome that you are. He didn’t respect you before, so he is most likely not about to start.

    Just let it go. It is not worth a second more of your time.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Micah May 9, 2012, 9:59 am

      “I think we’ve all (or a majority of us anyway) have been “used” by some sort of douchey character. And maybe in the back of our minds, to restore our own pride, want to believe that we are wrong… that this person actually does respect and like us.”

      You said this really well. I’m sure everyone has experienced feeling used in some way or another, and it’s hard to imagine that we might have been nearly meaningless to this other person when they were important to us. I also have felt in situations like these that I need to “prove myself” in some respect. Prove that I’m strong, that I’ve forgotten about them, that they didn’t mean anything to me either, etc. If that’s any part of your motivation in keeping him around, LW, let that go. You don’t need to prove to this guy how insignificant he his. Prove it to yourself instead.

      Reply Link
      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow May 9, 2012, 10:38 am

        Yeah, and when it happens (for me anyway), it’s like “DOES NOT COMPUTE” – like it takes me a minute to wrap my head around it because I couldn’t fathom treating someone else like that.

        Link
  • caitie_didnt

    caitie_didn't May 9, 2012, 10:14 am

    Girl, be proud that you stood up for yourself and that you called him on his racist nonsense. Then delete him, block his profile so he can’t stalk you from a distance and wash your hands of this mess. This dude sounds like he is THE WORST.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    mcj2011 May 9, 2012, 10:30 am

    What a douche!

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Muffy May 9, 2012, 10:41 am

    Who cares why he added you on facebook. He hasn’t tried to contact you at all since you broke things off (adding someone on facebook doesn’t count). Therefore there is no drama. I would delete the guy though because of the things he said about you earlier – you are not obliged to accept every friend request that comes your way. and who cares if he gets offended (if he even notices that he was deleted) -the guy is a sicko racist.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    *HmC* May 9, 2012, 10:49 am

    “I felt a little bad about embarrassing him like that because he clearly did not intend for someone he knew to actually read that…”

    You didn’t embarrass him, he embarrassed himself by oversharing something online that he wouldn’t want just anyone to read. You read a blog he posted on the INTERNET. You didn’t read his secret diary. If I were you I would have been angry at him for his sleazy/weird comments. All you did was passively bring up that you read the blog, and he chose to take it down. Even he knew it was sleazy of him to post those things.

    “I’m so confused as to why he’d friend me.”

    There’s no reason you should be confused. You just want to be confused because you want to cling to a belief that him adding you on Facebook actually means something. You even mention that his FB page looks brand new… so what are you implying? That he created it just to add you as a friend? That’s probably not even true, and even if it is, wow what a commitment he’s made to you now huh? (sarcasm)

    LW, you ended the whole FWB thing because you knew you weren’t getting your needs met by him and that was the smart thing to do. He’s done nothing since your unsatisfying interaction that should be making you confused about his feelings towards you- you were a casual sexual fling and all that’s happened since then is he degraded you on the internet and added you on FB. After seeing that blog post, you should be thanking your lucky stars that you listened to your intuition and cut things off- not feeling bad about making him feel guilty about his blog and getting all excited OMG WHAT DOES IT MEAN?! that he took 3 seconds to click an “add button”. Stick with your original plan, unfriend, and stop talking to him altogether. Have some self respect.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Muffy May 9, 2012, 11:57 am

      it’s true. LW please don’t give this guy any more thought

      Reply Link
  • Jess

    Jess of CGW May 9, 2012, 10:50 am

    I;ll just say this (because I’ve been there) –I think we all have this innate desire to believe that people are essentially good and that people will redeem themselves. It’s partly our egos at fault. We want that guy to come around and realize that we are more than just a booty call. EVEN if a booty call was all we wanted. No matter that we chose a NSA fling. No matter that we may not see anything of depth in our NSA partner. WE want to be considered are worthy, desirable, enigmatic, deep, whole people in ALL circumstances. We are more than just a porn genre.

    But in reality, first impressions do last. The ones we make and the ones people make about us. It’s hard to transition from booty call to relationship (not impossible, but rare) when you’ve already started out in on superficial terms. It’s hard to go back and rewrite the “How We Met” story. In this case, you have all the information you need about the way this guy thinks and behaves. It’s not pretty and it’s not going to change. MOA, write a new story and cast a new and better leading man.

    Reply Link
  • landygirl

    landygirl May 9, 2012, 11:07 am

    People make a bigger deal out of Facebook than is necessary. It’s a website, not a popularity contest. This dude is a choad and you should de-friend him and pretend you’ve never met him. Women try and read into every little move a guy makes and they shouldn’t or else they’ll drive themselves nuts.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Eve Harrison May 9, 2012, 11:20 am

    LW, This dude is racist. Everyone has been calling him all of these names (douche, asshole, etc), seemingly trying to avoid the basic truth.

    He’s racist.

    There isn’t a single fuck buddy who would have the indecency to over-eroticize the race of his partner without consent. I would know. I AM African-American and my fuck buddy is white. It’s possible to have an interracial fling with someone who respects your privacy and sees past the skin color.

    I want to make clear, that his racist remarks are unacceptable. Have the self-respect to realize this. In the future when this happens again (because it always does) cut off your guy immediately. Everyone has been addressing everything else except for his problematic highly-racialized speech. And it’s stunning to read about an experience like yours because for many brown women, being over eroticized is a total nightmare.

    Joking about his slave master roots is disgusting. He’s referencing black slaves who endured a lifetime of rape! Not to mention when he talks about ‘taming you’. You’re not some wild horse— you’re a human being with feelings. You deserve respect. You deserve enjoyable sex that is free from his words. You know what? He wasn’t complaining when he had his share in the car.

    Learn to draw the line when it comes to sex and relationships. If someone is objectifying you or a shared personal experience then he is no longer worthy of your time. You’re beautiful. You are smart, accomplished, and clearly driven. There are plenty of men (white or not) who would have the pleasure of dating or fucking you.

    On a side note, if you get vulnerable from having sex, create barriers to prevent the vulnerability. He was a fuck buddy. Do you really want to fall for someone who’s not interested in you again? Maybe in the future just stick to sex and no conversations after. Some people need cut-and-dry to avoid the mess. There is no shame in doing what needs to be done to avoid a messy situation.

    Reply Link
    • Jess

      Jess of CGW May 9, 2012, 11:58 am

      Excellent, excellent comment.

      Reply Link
    • rainbow

      rainbow May 9, 2012, 12:05 pm

      Thanks a lot for this.

      I agree with all of it and love it and I have nothing to add, except that as a mixed-race woman I can really relate to the part about how big of a turn-off being over eroticized can be.

      Just in case the data is needed, I’d like to explain that Argentina (where I live) has a huge problem with racism and most people who can pass do, so looking proud of your roots / hair / skin color confuses people and attracts a lot of weirdos wanting to play slave master or looking for an “exotic” girlfriend to be photographed with as proof of their openness during their travels.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      SweetPeaG May 9, 2012, 12:27 pm

      I agree… racist is the word for him. And thank you for bringing this up.

      I guess I used the term “douche” instead because I was stretching for a way to relate it to my own experiences. Which, I know I really can’t… but I was looking for a way to get into the LW’s reasoning.

      But… yes, this guy is a racist. And I think we are all hoping she realizes there is no reason to give this guy one more iota of her time. With his disgusting attitude, he isn’t worth ANYONE’S time.

      Reply Link
    • Tracey

      Tracey May 9, 2012, 12:53 pm

      You said it all, Eve Harrison. You rocked it out with this. Thank you.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      SydneyMellow June 21, 2012, 3:30 am

      Hey Eve,

      I can see from what she wrote how the dude could come off as racist. I actually know him a little bit (from work) and I don’t think he is. Granted I am a white female, a foreigner also, so I may not understand race relations in the States that much but he has it in his head that he is above race. I never talked to him about his sexual fantasies or anything but I got the vibe from him that he felt more inclined toward black women and because of that he was able to say or do things other men could not. So instead of racist I’d say he was ignorant and arrogant.

      He’s a really weird guy who is trying his hardest to rebellion against social norms which makes him kind of annoying at times. I salute this girl for putting up with him for so long, even if he is really hot.

      As for her whole Facebook situation I think it’d be best to ignore him. He fancies himself invincible to hurt but he loves attention. If she ignores him, maybe even unfriends him he’ll really feel like an asshole.

      Mellow Syd

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    amy May 9, 2012, 11:22 am

    WOW. Don’t even think of trying to start something up with him.

    As much as it hurts, it’s a good thing you found his blog. You saw his true nature and how he thought of you. You felt used, and indeed, he admitted in the blog that he was using you.

    You are better than that. He friended you, and hasn’t said anything. I say, defriend him and move on with your life with your head held high.

    This guy sounds like scum.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Clare May 9, 2012, 11:41 am

    As ridiculous as this whole thing is, the part I can’t get over is that they couldn’t have a relationship because of the “long distance” and they only live a 20 minute drive apart! Are you serious?!?

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Lindsay May 9, 2012, 11:54 am

    It doesn’t matter why you got the friend request. He is a terrible person, and you should defriend him. Don’t feel bad about embarrassing him. He deserved it, and actually a lot worse. He should be thanking you that he learned his lesson before an employer or someone else got a hold of the blog.

    Reply Link
    • rainbow

      rainbow May 9, 2012, 12:10 pm

      He should also be thanking her that she didn’t show up at his door with a couple of angry friends and a bat, which would have been totally understandable.

      Reply Link
  • Tracey

    Tracey May 9, 2012, 12:51 pm

    He’s a dick. Flat out. Stop investing any mental energy, your time, or any more of your dignity worrying about why he chose to friend you, or anything else connected with this guy. Decline his friend request, block him, and don’t give him a second thought.

    Oh, and stop beating yourself up about what happened. There’s nothing wrong with having an FWB, and there’s nothing wrong with having that FWB relationship end badly. Be glad you learned what he’s really like, take those lessons learned and move on with your head held high.

    I’ll say it again: He’s a dick. You deserve, and are, much better than him. Be well.

    Reply Link
  • Heather

    Heather May 9, 2012, 1:42 pm

    LW, I’m sure he’s a really good guy and I think you should take this opportunity to open back up the lines of communication and see if there’s a future for you somewhere down the line. Marriage, kids possibly?

    …hope that was enough sarcasm for you.

    Let it go. Delete the dickbag.

    Reply Link
  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark May 9, 2012, 2:09 pm

    Again, when it comes to sex. It sure gets judgmental fast around here… One can have sexual fantasies about slavery and NOT be a racist. No, seriously, I really truly believe that. Just as you can have a sexual fantasy about rape and NOT be a racist. Or hey, how about this. I once had a lover who liked things really rough. Yeah, it sometime got pretty intense, actually. He loved to be smacked around, and I was surprised how quickly I went from simply being nervously GGG about this (Good. Giving. And Game) to totally getting off on the power exchange in brought about. Yes, I often miss Keith is his wild kinky s & m ways. One his biggest turn ons? The jealous, possessive, slap him around boyfriend game. Yeah, i was fun to go to that dark place and I gotta admit I got off on that. Big time. He’s one of the few exes I fantasize about routinely. Does that make me a batterer? No.

    PS — I have infinitely more respect for anybody that simply sleeps with a guy a couple of times and fails to learn that lover’s last name — than I do ANY of the idiots who routinely write in here again and again hopelessly trapped in bad relationships with abusive assholes because they are somehow (I guess) obsessed with them. Oh, wait. Right. It’s always low self esteem, isn’t it? Play the low-self-esteem-out-of-jail-free card and one can get away with anything…

    Whatever. My point is that there are far bigger and more damaging problems than occasionally sleepy with somebody and NOT learning their last names.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      rachel May 9, 2012, 2:17 pm

      I don’t think anyone (or at least very few people) is judging her for not knowing her booty call’s last name. People’s point is that she seems to think they had some sort of “deeper connection” even though they didn’t even know each other’s full names, which is just silly. Just own that it was a booty call and move past it. I mean, shit, I have to think pretty hard to remember the first name of a few one night stands I’ve had.

      Reply Link
      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow May 9, 2012, 3:05 pm

        Yeah, I realized my last name comment came off as judge-y and I tried to clarify. Sex is sex! It doesn’t have to be “deep” and in this instance it doesn’t really sound like it was. The problem was that the LW tried to maintain a certain level of respect – which is a must – and the douchewad violated that by posting about their trysts on a public blog (AND needlessly exoticizing her SOLELY for being African American without her knowledge). I’m with you, BGM – a kink is a kink and they should be explored.. WITH willing partners. I think by what the LW said that she wouldn’t have been comfortable with this guy’s fantasy had she been aware of it.

        Link
    • rainbow

      rainbow May 9, 2012, 2:24 pm

      I’m all for playing slave lord if everyone’s up for it, but she wasn’t. Second best alternative, if you are not comfortable enough to discuss it with the bottom in your power dynamic: Keep it to yourself and get off on it in silence. This dude never told her BUT he told the whole internet with his real name / main username that this is what he was thinking of. That’s the most fucked up part.

      Reply Link
    • Fabelle

      Fabelle May 9, 2012, 2:34 pm

      BGM, I think most people can agree that, when consenting adults are involved, anything goes in the bedroom? So I don’t think you’re going to get a collective gasp from commenters that you’ve had rough sex. This LW wasn’t asking about slavery fantasies (which yeah, speaking for myself only, I’m aware they exist, & that inter-racial couples can participate in them. This LW wasn’t asking about that, though)

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      SweetPeaG May 9, 2012, 3:00 pm

      I stick by what Wendy said ” From the sounds of it, he didn’t even treat you like a real person. He treated you like his personal plaything.”

      I guess it would be different if this guy said to her “Hey, I am kind into playing slave and master. You game?” But, he didn’t.

      And I still feel that his feelings are routed in racism. Does he burn crosses on people’s lawns? Probably not. But, I think taking pleasure in this country’s history of slavery is a little gross. I think the LW was rightfully skeeved out by his online ramblings.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    DMR May 9, 2012, 5:35 pm

    Also, he might want you as a Facebook friend as a kind of trophy. Having you in his friends list would be proof of the conquests he brags about to his buddies.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Sue Jones May 9, 2012, 6:51 pm

    So…. unfriend him. Or hide him at the very least…

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    DMR May 10, 2012, 12:18 am

    By the way, I call BS on his boast that he was exploring master/slave fantasies. That sounds like something he made up after the fact. I simply don’t believe him.

    He wants to be seen as a big time player and so he’s embellishing and adding all this horseshit. The way he tells it, he decided one day to look for a black woman and just went out and got one (because he’s such a womanizing stud he can do that, on a whim, to indulge some historical research).

    But the banal truth is that you two just hooked up. You know it, and he knows it. Don’t endorse his pathetic lies.

    Reply Link

Leave a Comment