After another month of really low contact, we’re now in almost constant communication. He reaches out to me every day, he seems interested in my life, and we have lots of emotional discussions about what went wrong and what we were trying to fix about ourselves. I confessed to him a lot of my fears about the disarray my life is in right now (more than just the relationship situation) and he was incredibly supportive about it, really listening. BUT the one argument we’ve had in all this was when I was trying to find out if he was still seeing this other girl. I didn’t want to be strung along. He had been avoiding the topic since we started talking again, mentioning her only by name and like a common friend I should already know. He got really upset when I stopped being subtle about asking and just asked. He said she wasn’t “pertinent” to any of our interactions so there was no need to talk about her, even though I feel like it’s VERY much so, especially considering I wish to reconcile and he knows that. He hasn’t made anything official on Facebook about her, and none of our mutual friends seem to know too much about her.
I guess I’m just trying to figure out why he’s taking so many pains to reach out to me on an emotional level with even more frequency than before the new girl appeared on the scene. I know he’s trying to be more open and honest with the people in his life, but I don’t think he’s going quite as far out of his way for them. I mean, he even stalks my Tumblr every day. I have hope things can be fixed, but this other girl remains a big wrench in my perception of how things are going. — Strung Along
Oh, honey, if you think this is going to end well, you are deluding yourself. There’s a reason you broke up (or, from the sound of it, many reasons you broke up), and there’s a reason you aren’t back together again. Hint: he doesn’t want to be with you. That’s a hard pill to swallow, I know, but you aren’t doing yourself any favors by thinking anything else. He knows you want to reconcile. If he wanted that, too, you’d be a couple. But you aren’t. He doesn’t want you. He wants to be able to date other people.
Oh, but he reaches out to you EVERY DAY! He’s opening up in an emotional way, you say! He’s even “stalking” your Tumblr. Ok, first of all, the definition of “stalking” isn’t “Checks a blog once a day,” or we’d all have restraining orders against us. He’s curious. He wants to know what you’re up to. Because he wants to get back together again? No! If that’s what he wanted, that’s what he’d get. You’ve made it clear to him that you’re available for the taking whenever he wants.
He checks your Tumblr and reaches out to you all the time because he likes you and he likes that you want him so bad. He likes being wanted and desired. It makes him feel important, just as it makes him feel important and needed that you want to turn to him — an ex! — to unload your problems. He likes knowing that you’re there for him whenever he wants and that he can go and date other people — who knows how many women he might be seeing! — without explaining himself to you or answering to you and you’re STILL going to be waiting in the wings for him if and when he should decide he wants to be with you and only you (which, by the way, probably won’t ever happen, and if it does, it won’t be until he’s been hurt enough by someone else first to want the easy love you can give him). So he keeps tabs on you just to make sure you’re still single and waiting for him. And because it feels good to keep an emotional connection with you while having a physical relationship with whomever else he may want to get intimate with. It’s the best of both worlds.
You know what, if your life is in such disarray, as you put it, make things a little easier for yourself and quit it with the ex drama. You don’t need it. MOA. Quit waiting around for him hoping he’ll come back to you. Quit trying to find out what’s going on with the other girl. Quit letting him call the shots. Just quit being so desperate and get some self-respect and move on. This ship has sailed and it’s only coming back if it decides the storms are too messy elsewhere, not because it necessarily chooses you. Aim higher than that.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.