It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss leaving a cheater and when to confess feelings for a good friend.
Confront him about it but be prepared for excuses, denials, and guilt-shifting (i.e. “Why were you going through my email?!”). Begin forming an exit plan, including but not limited to: canceling your wedding; opening your own bank account if you don’t already have one; securing your own residence; saving enough money for moving costs, first month’s rent and deposit; and contacting an attorney to discuss custody of your children.
Several years ago while I was in college I met a now good friend who was his early-mid 20s. He was in a band (I know, so cliche), and I was hooked at first sight of him. Over the years as we’ve supported each other through moves, career changes, break ups, etc, my crush on the hot guy in a great band has turned into love for the good friend in a great band.
Over time I’ve taken over managing a large part of his music career. It is something that I have done with other bands, and something I love getting to do. The guy in question has had multiple long term relationships in the time we’ve known each other, living with two, including his current girlfriend. This, along with my terrifying fear of admitting to ANY guy what my real feelings are, have held me back from saying anything or attempting to make any sort of first move.
My true fears in saying anything are based on three things: losing his friendship, losing the ability to do something I am passionate about, and losing a large piece of my world where I feel most at home. But the last time we saw each other, I did a sort of experiment. I purposely picked out a certain look for myself that he has commented on more than once in the past, and while I was not surprised that the flirting meter went up because of it, I was not expecting the level that happened. There were lingering hugs, an arm way below “Friendship” level around my waist, major eye contact, major physical interaction, and that electric feeling you get when you KNOW something is going on that is unspoken. It is to be noted that his girlfriend was not present that evening, but numerous mutual friends were.
My question then becomes two fold: Do I say something and when? What would I say? Knowing his relationship “pattern” and hearing certain comments lead me to believe this girl isn’t the one, but who knows. Do I live with this secret forever? Help! — Inability to Speak
You sort of lost me when you said he lives with his girlfriend. Until/unless that’s no longer an issue, I’d quit conducting “experiments” and just be a friend/manager. If you’re ever both single again at the same time, then for the love of God, quit playing juvenile games and just ask the guy out already, sheesh.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org and be sure to follow me on Twitter.