Initially (eight years ago), I was very uncomfortable with their friendship. This was a girl who would reach out to him all the time saying publicly on Facebook that she loved and missed him. He assured me it was nothing and insisted I meet her to get to know her. I met her and had an instinct that this girl was not one I could trust. I told him carefully how uncomfortable I was with their friendship, and, after much quarreling, he finally told her she needed to cool it with the messages.
Throughout the years my boyfriend has been extremely committed to me, but I have always mentioned that, if he planned to keep in touch with her, I would just like to know. Twice before he has hid going to see her: one time at her house and now, two weeks ago, she reached out on Facebook to wish him congratulations on our engagement and he asked her for her number and started texting her to meet up and catch up. He deleted all of his messages and I found out.
My problem with this whole scenario is that he claims she means absolutely nothing to him but he has consistently hid meeting up with her over the years. I know they don’t keep in touch on a regular basis, but this lack of trust I have in him is not good. He is extremely apologetic and understands the seriousness of how upset I am with him.
Am I crazy? Is he still not over her? Or is this just innocent old friends wanting to catch up? — Crazy Fiancée?
So, in eight years, your fiancé has secretly met up with his ex exactly twice, the second time two weeks ago–did they even meet up or just talk about meeting up?–and you say that “he has consistently hid meeting up with her over the years”? I would not call two meetings in eight years “consistent.” In fact, I’d call it very inconsistent. And if this is what you’re worried about, then I would say that, yeah, maybe you do sound a little bit crazy.
I mean, it’s totally shady of your fiancé to keep any kind of meet-up with his ex a secret, and you definitely have a reason to be upset about that — I’ll grant you that. But, it sounds to me that, even more than the secrecy about these meet-ups, you’re bothered by what you consider the regularity of them. You’ve built up in your head that the two of them have carried on a secret friendship all these years, and if what you’ve written above is true — that they’ve seen each other twice in eight years and that your boyfriend didn’t even know his ex’s phone number and publicly asked for it over FB — then I just don’t see how theirs is a friendship that is at all deeply connected, consistent, or illicit.
Look, if you had something to worry about, don’t you think at some point in the last eight years, and certainly in the last year or two since your fiancé’s ex broke up with her boyfriend, something would have happened? If he weren’t over her, wouldn’t he have tried to make a move before, I don’t know, getting engaged to you? Clearly, they are FB friends — or at least connected through mutual friends, so they had an easy way to get in touch with each other. And yet, in eight years, they haven’t done so more than what sounds like a couple of times. But still, despite no evidence that you should worry, except your instinct upon meeting this woman eight years ago, you have “always mentioned” that, if he planned to keep in touch with her, you would like to know. Really, always? I have to wonder what “always” looks like over the course of eight years, especially when, until apparently two weeks ago, there was only one single meet-up between these two exes. Granted, it was a secret meet-up that you later found out about, but do you think that the reason your fiancé kept it a secret was because of how irrational you sounded always mentioning this ex, despite his being “extremely committed” to you and despite his being barely in touch with this person?
I don’t know, maybe there are still feelings between your fiancé and his ex, but, more than likely, they’re just two old friends who were close once, dating briefly when they were kids, and who enjoy touching base or catching up every few years as people do who knew each other during such formative times in their lives. It’s not that weird. What’s weird is the big deal you’re making about it, to the point that your fiancé feels like he can’t even be honest with you on the rare times he does talk to or see this old friend.
If I were you, I’d back off and let him know that, while you don’t condone secrecy and are hurt by that kind of betrayal, you trust him enough to occasionally talk to or see an old friend (even someone he dated years ago). Then let him know if you have any boundaries he needs to respect (like, for example, you don’t want him going to her house alone or seeing her in private). And if you can’t trust him to respect the boundaries, or if you truly think that, after all these years, he still has feelings for his ex — beyond the kind of feelings someone might have for a distant friend from the bygone days — you need to reconsider your engagement and decide if you’re really ready to marry this guy. Because marrying someone you can’t trust? That would be crazy.
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