Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Friend Lied to Me About Dating My Brother”

My good friend, “Meg,” and I were friends in high school and college, before she began dating my brother. Both of them lied to me about their relationship for an entire year, so needless to say, I was terribly hurt. It wasn’t just that they lied to me for a year, but that they told all of our mutual friends months before I knew, so I was made to look like an idiot. Then, about two years ago, they went through a rather nasty break-up after five years together. Meg and I didn’t talk much throughout the end of their relationship, and we just recently started spending time together again. In fact, she is set to move into my apartment with me in September. Admittedly, our friendship has been shaky, and I’m nervous about signing a lease with her for a year.

Recently, she and my brother began hanging out again, with the intention of getting back together. I’m noticing some more shady behavior from her since they’ve been hanging out. For example, just yesterday, I asked if she wanted to go to a class at our gym with me, and she said she had job-training all day and couldn’t make it. Later, she posted a photo on Facebook from an event that she attended that day with my brother. She and I had a talk the other weekend where I told her that she needed to either get back together with my brother or get on with her life, and that if they do get back together, that I don’t want her to be dishonest with me about their relationship. She assured me that she wouldn’t lie to me about it, but then I find her Facebook posts that contradict what she told me previously.

I know their relationship is none of my business, and if they end up happy together this time around, then more power to them. But how do I let her know, gently, that I don’t appreciate being lied to? She can be rather manipulative at times, and twist things so she can believe that the problem is not her fault. I don’t want to get into a discussion with her and suddenly find that I’m trying to defend myself when really she should be the one back-tracking. To that end, am I justified in feeling upset at her dishonesty, or should I just mind my own business? — Tired of Being Lied To


Yeah, you should mind your own business, and as you said in the first sentence of your final paragraph, Meg’s and your brother’s relationship is not your business. Furthermore, it’s telling that you were one of the last people to learn about their relationship the first time they dated — months after many of your mutual friends. People don’t keep stuff — especially good stuff like being in a happy relationship — from those they’re close to unless they’re afraid of hurting or being judged by them. Are you a judgmental person, ToBLT? Perhaps that’s something to think about and work on…

As for Meg telling you she had a job training to go to and then posting a picture on Facebook of her with your brother, so what? That doesn’t mean she didn’t go to a job training (she could have hung out with your brother afterward… or maybe the event they went to was a type of “job-training”). And, even if she did tell you a white lie and was stupid enough to post a picture that blew her cover, maybe she’s lying to you because she doesn’t want you butting into her business anymore. Maybe she wants some privacy to figure out where things stand with her ex and whether they have a shot at a future together without you monitoring their every move. They’re grown-ups! They really don’t need you to tell them how to live their lives.

And now that I’ve said that, I’m going to tell you how to live your life (hey, you did ask me for advice, right?). Don’t move in with Meg. Doing so would be an absolute disaster. Not only do you have communication and trust problems within your “shaky” friendship, her on-again-off-again relationship with your brother causes a conflict of interest between you two. It wouldn’t be such a conflict of interest if you were mature enough to separate their relationship from your individual relationships with each of then, but that clearly doesn’t seem to be the case. For whatever reason, you see them and what they share together as some sort of extension of your relationships with each of them, and this extension has given you the idea that you have a say in what happens between them. You don’t. It truly is none of your business. Leave them alone, and let them figure out what they need to figure out without your meddling. Quit keeping tabs on Meg, and quit making her love life about you. Find a different roommate, and … well, get a life. The more you have going on for yourself, the less time and energy you have to concern yourself with people who wish you keep their private lives private (well, as private as they can while still posting pictures on Facebook, but that’s a whole ‘nother column…).

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

71 comments… add one
  • avatar

    TheGirl June 13, 2011, 3:37 pm

    Yeah, I have to agree with Wendy. I was sitting here reading this letter and just kept getting more confused. How could it be a bad thing that a good friend might end up a sister-in-law? Why on earth wouldn’t they tell her? I would be totally stoked if my brother got together with a good friend of mine. But, my brother’s awesome and so are my friends, so I might be biased.

    As for moving in together – how could that in anyway be a good idea? Regardless of why, if your friendship is on shaky grounds, you should NOT live together! That’s just asking for drama!

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  • avatar

    kdog June 13, 2011, 3:40 pm

    Pleeeeeeeease, do NOT move in with this girl!!! While I’ll leave it to the other comments to say whether or not you should worry about other peoples’ relationships, I can tell you living with her would be a horrible idea. SOLID friendships have a hard time weathering the ups and downs of living together. You say yours is shaky and that she’s manipulative. You want your home to be where you recharge not where you feel you need to defend yourself or tease out truth from lies.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph June 13, 2011, 5:19 pm

      “SOLID friendships have a hard time weathering the ups and downs of living together.”
      Truest thing ever said. My best friend of 14 years and I fought over air conditioner temperatures for god sakes. Imagine what you and this “manipulative” former friend will argue about.
      I get the sense you are allowing her to move in with you in an attempt to strengthen the relationship. More likely, it will do the exact opposite!

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      • avatar

        kdog June 13, 2011, 5:35 pm

        Yep, my best friend of twelve years and I fought over the thermostat, too. And as my boyfriend says, there’s only so much you need to know about anyone you aren’t having sex with.

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      • avatar

        SpyGlassez June 13, 2011, 8:00 pm

        The best friend I have lived with since college mostly became my best friend through living with her, and I knew her bad habits going INTO living with her because we’d had adjoining dorm rooms and had later shared a dorm room….and yet ten years on we still quibble about doing dishes and get snappy at each other over the state of apartment cleanliness. I personally think that it will wreck your friendship with her and – depending on the relationship between her and your brother – it may damage your relationship with him.

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  • avatar

    lk June 13, 2011, 3:42 pm

    I agree with Wendy – you should not live with this girl & you should not expect her to share very much information with you about her relationship with your brother.

    Do you really want to hear about what a jerk your brother can be? Do you really want to hear that he’s the *best* kisser?? It’s understandable that your friend feels uncomfortable filling you in on the details of her romance with your family member.

    It will be tricky to continue a close friendship with this girl at all until her relationship with your brother is more stable (whether it works out or not). So give them both space & support — not directives or ultimatums.

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    • avatar

      lk June 13, 2011, 5:23 pm

      Also…

      IF the girl & brother end up getting back together…and she and LW are living together…

      Why would she ever imagine it would be make for a relaxing home environment to hear her good friend and her brother arguing/banging/etc.??? Oh, jeez…

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  • avatar

    justpeachy June 13, 2011, 3:43 pm

    I don’t know. While I agree it would be a terrible idea to move in with this girl, I don’t think the LW needs as much blame for being judgmental as Wendy gave her. This friend probably has/had a variety of reasons why she kept the relationship secret and the LW doesn’t trust her friend anymore. Even if she was being judgmental, to hide it from her for a year is ridiculous. Maybe a month or so to see if things are serious, but a year is just mean. I think the LW has reason to be suspicious of her friend and she really shouldn’t let herself get into an environment where the temptation to snoop on her friend will be extremely high. Or maybe that’s what she wants, to keep a tab on them.

    But don’t do it. Don’t live with her.

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    • avatar

      jane June 13, 2011, 4:12 pm

      I agree with justpeachy. I think it’s a terrible idea to move in with this girl. LW would literally be putting herself in the middle of her brother and her brother’s gf. However, I think Wendy is being too harsh. Yes, her brother’s relationship with her friend is none of her business, but it’s understandable that her feelings are hurt that she was the last to know about it. Maybe they felt awkward telling her? I’d feel awkward telling a friend I was dating her brother. It doesn’t necessarily mean the the LW is judgmental.

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      • avatar

        oldie June 13, 2011, 4:30 pm

        I doubt Wendy is being too harsh. Both her brother and her friend decided not to tell her. There must be a reason for that — too nosy about others’ affairs, thinks she owns her friends and family and either the friend or brother would be blamed for poaching the other, she has treated other girlfriends of her brother badly, the brother and girlfriend didn’t want LW’s parents to know? If the parents knew of relationship it is interesting that they also didn’t mention to LW. Maybe relationship just wasn’t at meeting the parents stage yet and telling LW would force the issue.

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      • avatar

        Brooklyn June 13, 2011, 10:18 pm

        Seems weird to me too, but I’m guessing this is a very young couple and LW. There are probably numerous layers to this.
        Initially, I thought the girl was only “friends” with the LW during the initial relationship because she didn’t want weirdness if the relationship worked out. But then she said she stayed friends with the girl after the breakup with her brother, so I have no idea why they are making a big deal about not telling the LW. Maybe the LW is overly dramatic and makes everything a bigger deal than it is?
        Also, generally friends and people in relationships spend a lot of time together. For the friend and brother to be together that long, both with legitimate reasons to see the LW, and for her not to know seems unrealistic. It makes me think that they spend time together in front of the LW and possibly assumed she knew they were together. But perhaps the LW is upset because they didn’t actually specifically say “boyfriend” and “girlfriend”.

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    • landygirl

      Landy June 13, 2011, 5:47 pm

      Thumbs up to that. I’m surpised that the focus is on the LW’s reactions as opposed to the questionable actions of the friend and the brother.

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      • avatar

        MiMi June 13, 2011, 7:43 pm

        I agree! The friend and the brother are sketchy. Mature folks don’t sneak around or invent stories about what they’re doing, even to avoid a scene caused by a busybody or, say, a competitive little sister. However, they didn’t write in for advice.

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    • avatar

      Amy June 13, 2011, 5:56 pm

      And if she were really that nosy and suspicious – I would think she would have scoped out the relationship on her own over the course of a year. I sense she’s coming from a place of hurt and betrayal as well as a strong desire to fix the relationship between herself and friend – she’s behaving in a controlling manner, but maybe just because she feels this relationship slipping away again and it’s scary to let it go. I think there is just a piece of the puzzle that’s missing about the relationships between the LW and her brother and the LW and her friend in the letter.

      Regardless – everyone else is right – DO NOT live with this girl.

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  • avatar

    TheOtherMe June 13, 2011, 4:09 pm

    I agree with everyone that says “Don’t live with her ” but I’m not sure that saying ” get a life” is that appropriate, I think that if my sibling and close friend would have lied to me about having a relationship for a year, it would definitely make me even more curious about that relationship.

    …”how do I let her know, gently, that I don’t appreciate being lied to?”

    -I think that honesty should be a given if you are “close” friends and if it were me, I would rather be told ” Sorry, it’s a private topic ” than to be lied to.

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    • avatar

      SpyGlassez June 13, 2011, 8:04 pm

      It doesn’t hurt anyone or cost anything extra to just say “I just would prefer not to talk about it.” Like you said, though – that’s something a “close” friend should intuit. To me, it simply indicates that this is not a real friendship.

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      • avatar

        jena June 14, 2011, 9:53 am

        the fact that she calls her “friend” manipulative and a liar indicate that it’s not a real friendship, aside from all of the lapses in communication.

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  • avatar

    spaceboy761 June 13, 2011, 4:12 pm

    Is it drafty in here, or is that just the gigantic piece of this story that we’re missing?

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    • avatar

      PFG-SCR June 13, 2011, 4:21 pm

      I dunno – hasn’t something like this happened on Passions before? 😉

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      • avatar

        spaceboy761 June 13, 2011, 4:38 pm

        A few times. They always seemed to resolve with somebody saying, “You’re adopted.”

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      • avatar

        PFG-SCR June 13, 2011, 5:19 pm

        Ah, I guess that makes her taking bubble baths with him less awkward…

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      • avatar

        TheOtherMe June 13, 2011, 4:44 pm

        I had to Google “Passions”
        – I feel shame 🙁

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      • avatar

        silver_dragon_girl June 13, 2011, 4:51 pm

        OMG! It’s like on Friends! When Monica and Chandler keep their relationship secret from Ross for all of season 5!
        …only that ended well.

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      • avatar

        PFG-SCR June 13, 2011, 5:20 pm

        OMG, I loved the bathtub scene!!! “Chicken…?”

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      • avatar

        silver_dragon_girl June 13, 2011, 5:53 pm

        “I’ll have a three piece extra crispy with coleslaw and a coke…AHH! AAHH! AHH! Diet Coke!”

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      • avatar

        PFG-SCR June 13, 2011, 6:19 pm

        ROFLMAO OMG, I luuurve Chandler Bing!!!!!!

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      • avatar

        delilahgem June 13, 2011, 11:20 pm

        Is it bad that your comment actually made me miss that ridiculous show??

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    • avatar

      spaceboy761 June 13, 2011, 4:22 pm

      If Wendy has previously received a letter titled, “My nosy BFF is ruining my relationship!”, there’s a chance that we’ve found the connecting piece to this jigsaw puzzle.

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  • avatar

    silver_dragon_girl June 13, 2011, 4:12 pm

    I am just monumentally curious why they didn’t want you to know about their relationship initially.

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    • avatar

      honeybeenicki June 13, 2011, 4:32 pm

      I am too. I have a feeling we could all give much better advice if we had that piece of information. I think its crappy for a friend or a sibling for that matter to keep something like this from her for a year, but that also makes me wonder WHY they did that. Like Wendy said… is she maybe judgemental? Expressed negative feelings about a possible relationship between them?

      But, ultimately my advice is this:
      1) DON’T MOVE IN TOGETHER. Just dont’ do it. Don’t. Okay?
      2) If you don’t want a relationship with her, well fine… just leave it at that. BUT you also need to remember that if your brother gets back together with her and they get serious again and maybe decide to get married, you will likely see her again at family events, etc.
      3) If you DO want to get a better friendship back with her (I honestly don’t see why you’d want to if she really is being shady), you need to sit down and discuss it as mature adults and try not to play the blame game. Avoid the use of “you” accusations, use I feel _____ when ______ statements. And lay down what you’re willing to put up with.

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      • avatar

        francesk June 13, 2011, 4:48 pm

        “Use I feel _____ when _____ statements.”

        BEST. ADVICE. EVER.

        I’ve always had trouble expressing myself when I felt angry or hurt or upset or wronged. Since I’ve adopted this, my communication skills have become much better and I’m able to move past things quickly. It works for relationships with everyone – significant others, family, co-workers. It’s really a great way to approach problems.

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      • avatar

        honeybeenicki June 13, 2011, 5:05 pm

        Yes it does. I majored in criminal behavior for my graduate program, so many of the classes were psych classes and that has got to be one thing I’ve taken away from that oh-so-expensive degree that helps me every single day. I use it at work a lot. I even use it when talking to my stepkids.

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  • avatar

    Callifax June 13, 2011, 4:17 pm

    Yeeesh that advice seems a little harsh. It sucks to be the only person in a circle of friends who is purposefully kept out of the loop – it hurts and is embarrassing. And if it’s a family member, it’s hard to stay 100% out of their business because you CARE about them. I think this girl should be cut a break…

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    • avatar

      MsMisery June 14, 2011, 1:44 pm

      I thought so, too. I don’t even HAVE a brother, but even I can’t say I’d be 100% comfortable with my brother and my bff having a secret affair. Just seems like you’d be the one person naturally in the middle. I doubt the friend and the brother kept the LW in the dark for altruistic reasons.

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  • avatar

    LolaBeans June 13, 2011, 4:21 pm

    Amen, sister.

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  • leilani

    leilani June 13, 2011, 4:28 pm

    Yeah, its really weird to me that they kept it a secret from you the first time. That either suggests that you can be judgmental or nosy, or they are super weird people. Either way, not a good situation to legally sign yourself into. If I were you, I’d try to take a big step back from their relationship, not towards it. Be happy you get along with your boyfriend’s girlfriend in a casual way, but distance yourself enough that they won’t be worried about what you’ll think about their day-to-day activities. If you’re not as involved, even if they are just being weird, at least you won’t be so close to the situation that you have to care.

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  • avatar

    PFG-SCR June 13, 2011, 4:33 pm

    As someone who is very close to one of my brothers and his wife, it can be very difficult to navigate both of those relationships because they are sometimes at odds with one another. Given that the friendship is already strained between the LW and this girl, and the LW is having a hard time separately her different roles as sister and as friend, she ought to really consider whether being roommates is the best decision. It can cause harm to not only the friendship, but her relationship with her brother.

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  • avatar

    SGMcG June 13, 2011, 4:37 pm

    As I am reading this letter, I can’t help but get more grossed out. LW, what business is it of yours who your brother chooses to get involved with? Are you honestly keeping track of his FWBs?!? Freud would have a field day with you because that’s behavior spurned by incestuous thinking. I know you’re mad at your friend for hiding this relationship from you, but don’t put the whole blame of dishonest shadiness on her. You need to talk to your brother and establish rules about this sort of thing in the future. Let him know NOT to hit on your friends since you OBVIOUSLY have an issue with it. Also let him know that you are hurt that he would hide something from you like this, especially since it involved your friend.

    As for what to do with the relationship with Meg now? Don’t move in with her, for one thing. There is damage in your friendship from the romance with your brother. She lied to you about it in the first place and that’s something that you understandably cannot get over. Should this relationship continue or go down in flames is really none of your business at this point. The fact that you would also make her CHOOSE between a friendship with you or a romance with your brother is also pretty ugly of you. So back away from the whole business and back away from her.

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    • avatar

      MsMisery June 14, 2011, 1:48 pm

      Ok, wut? On the one hand you scold her for “incestuous thinking” for keeping tabs on her brother’s dalliances. Then on the other hand you tell her to establish rules on who her brother is allowed to dally with so the LW feels comfortable? I don’t get it.

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      • avatar

        kali June 14, 2011, 2:41 pm

        Plus, I think she meant ‘spawned’ when she said ‘spurned.’

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary June 13, 2011, 4:43 pm

    I understand the LW’s point of view over being hurt. No one likes to have something hid from them. I agree that they probably were just scared to tell the LW, for whatever reason that may be. and I definitely agree with everyone else to not move in with this girl. Living with a good friend can be hard enough, but a good friend that you already have problems with? Not a good idea amigo.

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  • avatar

    MissDre June 13, 2011, 4:44 pm

    Another thing… your brother and your friend were together for 5 years… 5 years is a long time! What was your relationship like with her during the 4 years that you knew about them being together?

    Also, you said they broke up 2 years ago and are just now thinking about getting back together. Why do you care about something they kept from you 7 YEARS AGO! Didn’t you get over it in the 4 years you knew of their relationship? And didn’t you get over it in the 2 years since? You’ve had 6 years to come to terms with this.

    Maybe they don’t want to talk about it because they aren’t sure how they feel about each other yet, or where things or going. Just give them some space. Leave her alone, and let them come to you if they decide to.

    And, don’t move in with her!

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    • avatar

      honeybeenicki June 13, 2011, 4:50 pm

      Oh wow, I completely skipped the part where it said how long they had been together and the time that had passed. That does seem to be a long time to hold a grudge… although, I am a really good grudge holder so I don’t have any room to complain about that.

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      • avatar

        MissDre June 13, 2011, 4:57 pm

        Especially since 5 years gives so many opportunities to let go and enjoy the fact that she actually likes her brother’s gf (since they WERE friends…) Unless her brother kept her friend away from the family… I’m sure there was a lot of time together. 5 Christmases, 5 Thanksgivings, 5 Eaters (ok, maybe they are not Christian, but you get my point, lots of family holidays) lots of time for family BBQs, lots of time for Birthday parties…

        or maybe she did get over it and is just feeling the resentment come back since they couple seems to be getting back together and doesn’t want to share what’s going on. But in that case, just let them be and allow them to sort out their relationship without interference.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph June 13, 2011, 5:48 pm

        I agree with you. My best friend and I used to dream (when we were much younger) that I WOULD marry her brother so we could be sisters. A friend of my boyfriend’s actually did marry his younger sister’s best friend from college, and my aunt married one of my dad’s roommates from med school. How awesome would that be? Your friend becoming your sister in law would be the coolest thing… when the family came over you could be sure to have at least one ally, this friend. And for the friend’s side, when meeting your boyfriend’s parents you have the benefit of knowing at least one person at that scary first Christmas dinner with the possible future in-laws.

        Anyways, there’s clearly something wrong with the LW’s relationship with both her friend and her brother that it the 5 years they dated, they didn’t take that opportunity to become even better friends, an ‘us against all the crazy relatives’ kind of feeling that I would have if I got to date one of my friend’s brothers.

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  • avatar

    Sarah June 13, 2011, 4:54 pm

    As someone who has dated two men who were close to their sisters (one was much TOO close, but that is an entirely different story) I can say that without a doubt both sisters were MASSIVELY too involved in the decision makings and personal details of my relationships. I don’t know what it was, but both times I definitely felt as though I was being looked at by the sister through a microscope. Leaving for a date always involved the sister grilling me for details. Many times, the sister would come along uninvited.

    In one experience, after my relationship ended with the man, whose sister happened to have many of the same friends as I did, I discovered that all the intimate details of my relationship were hand delivered to all of my good friends. My bf would confide in his nosy sister, and in turn she would gossip about it to our entire friend circle. They not only knew all the details, sexual and all, of my relationship with this man, but they knew weeks before I did that he was planning on dumping me. I felt humiliated and betrayed, and my relationships with everyone involved has suffered.

    Maybe this is the reason why she does not want to confide in you. Have you every discussed their relationship in a negative light with mutual friends? Do you frequently talk about things that are not your business? Do you require more details about their relationship other than they are together/not together? If any of this is true, then how can you blame her for wanting to protect her privacy by keeping this relationship from you?

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  • avatar

    Valerie June 13, 2011, 4:54 pm

    Does anyone else find it fishy that the LW doesn’t say much about her brother at all, other than he’s the guy “Meg” has been dating ? I’m really curious to know how the brother plays in with all of this… because it seems as if the LW blames “Meg” for everything that has happened. How has the LWs relationship been with her brother throughout this time? Was the LW angry with her brother after he and “Meg” kept their relationship a secret for a year? How was her relationship with her brother during the 5 years they were together? Now that “Meg” and the brother are trying to get back together, has the LW tried talking to her brother about what’s been going on with “Meg’s” behavior? I think this would be really helpful to know.

    Regardless, LW, to reiterate what the other people have said: DON’T MOVE IN WITH MEG!!!!

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    • avatar

      sarita_f June 13, 2011, 9:20 pm

      @Valerie – good points about the LW laying the blame on Meg. Kind of like focusing on other women trying to ‘steal’ your man. Which is so lame.

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  • landygirl

    Landy June 13, 2011, 5:19 pm

    I agree, don’t move in with Meg, she doesn’t seem like a very good friend and I doubt that will change.

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  • avatar

    Calliopedork June 13, 2011, 5:24 pm

    Hmm Wendy maybe I should strive to be more like you. I seem to have higher expectations of my friends and boyfriend than you would. It seems lots of us out here (LW included) would be happier if we stopped letting our friends decisions impact us so much.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark June 13, 2011, 5:58 pm

    Okay, the LW seems curiously obsessed with the fact that Meg and her brother dated. Why is that? What is going on? My best guess is that they didn’t tell her because they somehow guessed that she wouldn’t handle the news well. Surprise, surprise… She didn’t. Surprise, surprise… They were RIGHT. Look, the LW needs to stop making her best friend’s and her brother’s relationship all about her. What a drama queen.

    Wendy is absolutely right about living with Meg though… Clearly the LW’s own paranoid insecurity would thus all but ensure that she couldn’t handle the situation. Back off, LW. Back off. And for crying out loud get a life! Stop reveling in always playing the victim… “Oh! I was so betrayed!” “Oh! Now I’m having lies thrown in my face!” Oh, get over it. And yourself. Grow up already. This whole letter was oh-so-very Junior High.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray June 13, 2011, 6:38 pm

    If I moved in with my brother’s ex-girl friend, he’d be pissed and rightfully so. He’d probably pin me to the ground and fart on my head. Don’t move in with your brother’s ex-girl friend.

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  • avatar

    Lucy June 13, 2011, 7:08 pm

    I think Wendy’s conclusions are way off base here. There’s precious little in the letter to lead to the conclusion that the LW is nosy, controlling, or judgemental. Everyone who’s leaping to the conclusion that being kept in the dark is somehow the LW’s fault seems to be using the same specious argument – “the only reason they would lie to you is if you were the type of person they felt they couldn’t be honest with.” Ah, if only we lived in that fantasy world where people make decisions like that rationally. I can think of quite a few reasons having nothing to do with the LW’s supposed character flaws why they might have lied to her. For example, it might have started small. ‘Let’s not tell until we get serious.’ Then a few months later, maybe it became, ‘Oh, it’s been so long, she’s going to feel bad we didn’t tell her before. What do we do?’ Procrastination ensues. Friend and bro agonize. The snowball continues to gather momentum. Their mutual friends all keep saying, “You have to tell her!” The longer they wait, the worse it gets. Before they know it, they’re a year in. Finally they pull themselves together and spill it. LW is unsurprisingly very hurt and also pretty embarrassed. Sounds kind of plausible, doesn’t it? Pretty much how real people might act, instead of these mythical advice-column beings who never procrastinate, or act chickenshit, or lie for no good reason?

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark June 13, 2011, 7:14 pm

      The problem with your theory is that the ENTIRE tone of the letter lends itself much better to the way Wendy, I, and many others view it. The LW comes off as very much a whiney person who MAKES everything all about HER… Frankly, I don’t get why the original LW is so obsessed with how they made her look like in idiot. Hey, look, in my book, if she is so worried about looking like an idiot, she’d best stop penning letters that cast her in such a bad light.

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      • landygirl

        Landy June 13, 2011, 7:20 pm

        I don’t know, maybe because two people who were supposed to have her back carried on behind her back instead. I would be hurt if the same thing happened to me. If two people you loved and trusted did something like this, you might be perturbed too.

        I’m looking forward to the update to see what parts of the story she didn’t tell.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark June 13, 2011, 8:03 pm

        At any rate, the initial misdeed was OVER FIVE YEARS ago! The LW should give it a rest and LET IT GO…

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        SpyGlassez June 13, 2011, 8:15 pm

        That, to me, is the biggest thing. So she might have been hurt that they didn’t tell her; that’s a human reaction. Still, it says that the LW and Meg were friends in high school and college BEFORE Meg started dating the brother. So if 7 years have passed since the LW was somewhere between 18 and 22, then the LW is now somewhere between 25 and 29. 25 is a little old to be obsessing about this; if she’s closer to 29, the behavior crosses the line into batshit. I think Wendy was right on – this LW needs to let it go, move on, and get her own life.

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        Jess June 14, 2011, 3:41 am

        Yea, exactly, 25 is wayyy too old to be obsessing about someone else’s relationship and holding a grudge for more than five years!! And if she is younger than 25, the brother and Meg started dating even younger than 18. Which means they were pretty young and immature, and probably keeping the relationship secret from the LWs parents too. (to permit sleepovers ;))

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      Christy June 13, 2011, 10:52 pm

      I agree with you that there could be other reasons why they lied that have nothing to do with the LW. But there are people in the world who it’s easier to lie to than tell the truth (people in my family, unfortunately!) because of drama, etc. And there are a couple things that make it seem like the LW is pretty dramatic–the Facebook thing, and the fact that the lie was years and years ago. Wendy may have been a little harsh, but I think the LW really needs to move on–separate herself from this friend for a while, and maybe reconnect later when the friend and the brother get themselves sorted out. Definitely don’t move in together.

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    Judi June 13, 2011, 7:17 pm

    I usually like Wendy’s tough love, but “Get a life” was just plain bitchy.

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    MiMi June 13, 2011, 8:16 pm

    I find it curious that so much of this letter is about the friend. What is the rosy picture in your head, LW? You have essentially not had a close relationship with this woman for the past 7 years (and by the way you all are way too old to be carrying on like a bunch of high schoolers), she is trying to get back with your brother (where’s he been this whole time?), per your words she’s shady and manipulative, and now you think the best possible scenario is that she move in with you? After you take this opportunity to give her a gentle lesson on how she’s hurt your feelings?
    This is a weird dynamic, LW, and a sensible whup-upside-the-head from Wendy nonwithstanding, I think you owe it to yourself, and your future good relationship with your brother (forget about her), to consider some counselling.

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  • katie

    Katie June 13, 2011, 10:25 pm

    wow- I would be so excited to see my best friend become a potential sister-in- law. i dont understand anything about this letter- why they lied in the first place, why she is STILL mad about it, why in the freaking world she is going to move in with the now ex, why she is mad that they may be getting back together, why they are lying again about it… i dont even know what to say because i dont know how to understand this situation.

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      Lucy June 14, 2011, 5:18 pm

      The LW doesn’t say she’s still mad about the initial deception 5 yrs ago (or 7, whichever, it’s a little unclear). She also doesn’t say she’s mad about them getting back together. What she says is that she’s noticed again that her friend is lying to her about her relationship with her brother. Which, let’s face it,is fucking weird behaviour. Why lie? The LW”s friend sounds like she likes to create a little extra drama in her life by playing people close to her off against one another, and the LW seems to be falling for it again.

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  • fast eddie

    fast eddie June 14, 2011, 12:08 am

    This “friend” is a leach. She’s using the LW get on the lease so she can’t get kicked out when she “can’t afford” to pay the rent. Most likely she’s using the brother as well. Leave their relationship to them but use your head for what it’s designed for: THINK and find a responsible person to share the digs.

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      Jess June 14, 2011, 3:43 am

      what?? haha where did you come up with that? if shes not on the lease the LW could kick her out anytime, for any reason…

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    Kate June 14, 2011, 4:28 am

    Definitely think Wendy is being strangely harsh on this girl, even though there are some weird elements to this story. To me, the brother and girlfriend are the weird ones prompting the LW to wonder what in the hell is going on, not become obsessively concerned with their relationship.

    I’m close with my brother, and we’re also close in age so our social circles have always overlapped. He started dating my close friend in college and she got SUPER WEIRD and refused to talk about it with me. Not that I was trying to get details or anything, just clear the air that ‘Hey, you’re dating my brother – who would have thought” sort of thing. I can understand that she felt weird but it was way stranger when she refused to discuss it with me or even acknowledge that it happened. It faded fairly quickly so it didn’t get as bizarre as this story, plus my brother was normal and was capable of saying ‘I’m going to a movie with ______ tonight, do you know if it got good reviews?” sort of thing. Not butting into their lives, just making normal conversation.

    I don’t consider my brothers relationships ‘my business’, but when I talk to him I do ask him about his girlfriend and how she is and such. Its BEING A NORMAL HUMAN. I think the brother/girlfriend are the wierdos in this story.

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      Jess June 14, 2011, 4:46 am

      well, considering the time they kept their relationship secret was 7 years ago, I’m guessing they were really young, like 15 or 16. Which cuts them a little slack. The LW *really* doesn’t sound like she’s in her late 20s to me.

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        kali June 14, 2011, 2:46 pm

        I’d say slack was also indicated, but the friend is still lying to LW now.

        Whatever’s really going on here – and it not clear at all – I say LW should not live with this woman and allow her brother’s love life to proceed as it will. Without her input unless specifically requested.

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    Meg June 14, 2011, 10:49 am

    I definitely think there’s something fishy going on here, and I can’t tell from whom it’s primarily coming from- LW, “Meg,” or both. I also can’t tell where the brother fits in here.

    My best guess is that everyone involved is being overly dramatic- the LW who thinks this relationship is a big deal that she’s entitled to know the details of, and “Meg” who seems to be making a bigger deal out of it by keeping it like some CIA secret. The bottom line is that no matter who is more to blame, these aren’t a pair that should be living together. Find another living situation that for one isn’t as drama-filled, and also doesn’t have the potential of awkwardly overhearing your brother’s love-life.

    The other issue, then, is whether the LW wants to try to salvage the friendship. Maybe it’s not worth it, and she should just move on with her life, let the brother and “Meg” figure out their relationship in peace, and just live as casual acquaintances. If the friendship is important, then it’s time to have a heart-to-heart. Start with some introspection and honestly try to figure out if you’ve given them a reason to hide the relationship from you. If this is the case, I’d start there and say “I know I’ve had a tendency to….. but I would love if we could start over and see if we can become as close as we once were.” If LW honestly can’t figure it out, then ask- “Is there a reason you and brother felt like you had to hide your relationship from me?” In any case, come at it from a place of wanting to take responsibility for your part of things, and maybe things can improve.

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    RMM0278 June 14, 2011, 11:28 am

    This could have been written by my sister. (Was it?!!?) My sister is four years older and the only single child in our family. No one else cares about that status, but it means a lot to her. So much so that since I’m the only other girl in our family, she was outraged (OUTRAGED) once I got a boyfriend. Does this sound like we’re teenagers? Wrong. We’re all in our 30s.

    Anyway, from the first day she found out about it, she tried to break us up, she’s said nasty things about the both of us, and she has basically cheered for the end of our relationship. Like the brother, I didn’t want to say anything to anyone until I knew we were serious. Well when I did, a shitstorm came abrewing.

    Given the sensitivity of this topic, I never discuss it with her. I never tell her when we go somewhere, I haven’t told her we’ve moved in, I haven’t even told her his last name. She’ll act like she can handle it, but two days later she’ll blow up at me. She does know I don’t tell her stuff and when she finds out it’s even worse.

    But here’s the glitch and LW please listen up: no matter if I withhold info or tell her, she’s going to get upset and say nasty things. She just will. So I minimize the nasty element because she so obviously cannot handle the fact that my parents paid for his dinner or something.

    Wendy is right. I would never hide the fact I’m seriously dating someone if my sister was able to be happy about it or even tolerate it. She can’t. She has to judge or say something nasty about a couple she doesn’t even know. Everyone else in my life doesn’t have a problem with it EXCEPT her. So yeah I hide stuff out of fear for me and protection for him.

    Wendy’s “get a life” wasn’t bitchy at all. In fact, if my sister had a lot more hobbies, interests, friends, etc. going on in her life, she wouldn’t be so consumed with my love life. I mean, I honestly don’t care who she does or doesn’t date. It doesn’t affect me. She’s going to do what she’s going to do. I’m powerless to stop it. She’s a grown woman. She’ll figure it out.

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      Lucy June 14, 2011, 5:12 pm

      Great story, but the letter wasn’t about you and your sister. You’re projecting your sister’s own insanity onto the LW, and the scenario doesn’t even sound that similar other than the presence of a sibling in both. You’re dating a person your sister doesn’t know; the LW’s brother was dating one of the LW’s close friends and they deliberately hid it from her for a year. Also, nowhere does she imply that she was in any way disapproving of their relationship once she found out about it – only that she was upset about having been lied to.

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