Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Friend Predicts I’ll Be Divorced in Five Years”

I am newly engaged to a fantastic guy (yay!). We’ve been together for a little over two years and living together (against the wishes of my parents and a few of my friends, who happen to be very conservative Christians). Last week, a very close friend of mine raised concerns that I am getting married without “thinking it through.” She said she’s not sure what a “good friend” is supposed to do: stand there, smile, and pretend to be excited for me, or openly tell me about her concerns for my future. While I agree that a true friend will (and should) say things to you that a fair-weather friend wouldn’t, her comments hit me like a Mack truck; I was completely blindsided. She then said, and I quote, “I don’t know that I’ll be able to stand beside you five years from now when you’re getting a divorce.”

Here’s the kicker: the friend is getting married later this year and I am a bridesmaid. For that matter, I was going to ask her to be in my wedding! I know I can’t just ignore her or pretend the conversation didn’t happen, but I have no idea how to respond to her. I feel that it is in no way appropriate for anyone — friend or otherwise — to talk to someone like that. I could understand her concerns if I were with someone who is abusive, a cheater, a compulsive liar, gambler, or any number of messed-up things people to do sabotage themselves and those around them, but my fiancé is an incredible person: intelligent, funny, hardworking, treats me like gold, and even our families get along great. I just don’t know where a person gets off saying these things to a friend, and especially have no idea how she expected me to respond. — Befuddled Bride


Well, did you friend actually share what her “concerns” about your relationship are or did she simply predict divorce in your near future? If her concerns have any validity whatsoever, then consider them and see what your heart tells you. If your friend really can’t back up her comments with any valid worries — packaged in a compassionate way — dump her ass. She doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Even if she were truly concerned about your well-being, the last thing she’d say is that she doesn’t know if she can be there for your in five years for your inevitable divorce. She’d be making sure her support was known and that she kept you close should you need her.

You know what your “friend” is likely doing? Projecting her own issues and concerns onto you. Whether than means she’s unsure about her own upcoming marriage, or she’s applying her own values to your life, or she’s simply a miserable shrew who can’t stand being happy for someone else, she is not the person who is going to be there for you to share in your joy. So, fuckin’ dump her. Tell her that in light of her recent comments about your engagement, you’ve decided that you cannot be in her wedding if she is not going to show equal support for yours and that at this happy time in your life, you only care to surround yourself with people who can share in your happiness. If she can’t be a friend to you, kick her to the curb. You don’t need her. Get rid of her before her toxicity ruins what should be one of the most joyful times of your life.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

50 comments… add one
  • avatar

    crazymary August 9, 2011, 3:06 pm

    I’m with Wendy on this. What were the actual concerns that this “friend” confronted you with? If there were none, she needs to be long gone from your life. She is trying to “stir the pot”. No one needs that kind of drama.

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  • avatar

    Tudor Princess August 9, 2011, 3:09 pm

    Sassy Wendy! I love it!

    LW: Wendy is right. A true friend would sit and talk things over about her concerns, and then tell you that she’ll be with you through thick and thin, not that she’ll dump you when things get rough. I don’t know about your past with her, but is this mean behavior a pattern? She’s not a friend I would want so I suggest you follow Wendy’s advice and be happy that you have someone like this out of your life.

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    • avatar

      asdf February 7, 2013, 4:13 pm

      I was in this position more than a decade ago. My best friend was getting married to a terrible, horrible person. I was the last friend whom she hadn’t poisoned him against, and I told him my concerns. The thing is, by saying this you are risking the friendship– that’s why fair weather friends don’t speak up. I was willing to speak up. Sure enough, she and then later he stopped speaking to me. She saw me as an enemy, and he didn’t want to endure the hell she put him through for speaking to me. Plus, he still thought he loved her, and that love is worth any and every sacrifice.

      Six months later, the two finally broke up, and he realized that I’d been right all along. He came to me and told me I was right and he was sorry, and we put it behind us. I was best man at his wedding to a wonderful woman (and with all his old friends and family back in the picture and present to enjoy the ceremony).

      It’s perfectly possible that LW is fooling herself about this guy. That there’s something wrong with him and that the religion issue (the only one she raises) is a red herring. If so, LW’s friend should lay out explicitly what is wrong with him and why. OTOH, maybe it is just irrational or bigoted or whatever– something invalid and wrong. If so, it’s terrible to cut her off, but clearly she isn’t the friend you think she is. Without knowing the substance of her friend’s allegations, we can’t know.

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary August 9, 2011, 3:14 pm

    I think something that Wendy has discussed before is that even if you can’t support someone’s union, you should be there at their wedding to support THEM. And the fact that your friend is saying that she wouldn’t be there for you even IF you went through a divorce means that she is in fact a fairweather friend. A true friend would’ve only approached you if she had been concerned for your well being, but otherwise she should’ve just kept her big mouth shut and pretended to be happy for you. We don’t all love our friends boyfriends/husbands/girlfriends whatever, but guess what, that’s why we aren’t dating them! Your friend really needs to learn that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors so even if she does have a negative view of your relationship, she has no idea what happens in private between you two. Whenever I see one of my friends with a boyfriend that I dislike I have to remind myself that I’m not in their relationship and no matter what I could see they could be perfectly happy together! Frankly, I think this girl is more a frenemy than a friend and I wouldn’t be in her wedding or have her in mine.

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  • mandalee

    mandalee August 9, 2011, 3:15 pm

    So with Wendy on this one! I had a few friends like this and I quickly realized what a light, happy world it is where you dump the toxicity in your life. If your fiance is the awesome guy you described in this letter, your friend is probably jealous or just completely unable of being happy for anyone else. Maybe her fiance isn’t the great guy yours is, maybe she’s petty that you got engaged before her wedding and “stole her thunder”(yes, there are girls like this-all over wedding blog boards), or who knows. Regardless, if everyone else in your life is happy for you and you’re happy, then please get rid of this Debbie Downer now. And congrats on being engaged!! Let this be a happy time for you!

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  • avatar

    crazyayeaye August 9, 2011, 3:25 pm

    I believe the friend’s reasoning for her statement depends a lot on some of the friends attributes: Is she normally outspoken? Has she been overly protective or judgmental of your relationships in the past? Is she usually unsupportive as a friend? Is she one of the conservative Christians who openly disagreed with your choice to move in with your fiance? If the answer is no to the four aforementioned questions, then maybe her concerns do have legitimacy and you should listen to her justification of why she is concerned for your marriage. Then, as Wendy said, see if her concerns hold any weight for you. It is very difficult to watch a friend head toward what you perceive as a bad relationship, but it takes a lot of courage to say something too. If, however, she can’t justify her concerns, then maybe she is projecting as Wendy suggested and, in that case, you might want to ask her if everything is ok in her relationship. Before booting her out of your wedding though, I’d really take a hard look at what you know of her as a person and try to figure out if this seemingly unsupportive behavior is typical or if she is just trying to be a concerned friend and save you from heartache. Maybe it’s nothing but sometimes good friends see things we don’t. You say you value a good friend’s honesty, so try extending that heart to heart to get to the root of this issue. Maybe hearing your perspective will also put her at ease. Best of luck!

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  • avatar

    oldie August 9, 2011, 3:25 pm

    I’m guessing that this friend is among her ultra-religious conservative Christian friends and that here fiance isn’t a conservative or devout enough Christian for her taste. Perhaps it’s even an inter-faith relationship and friend believes marriage is only among those paired by God and that if she’s not marrying a true born-again, it won’t work. She probably believes any marriage that springs from prior living together is tainted and doomed. Anyway, your values differ. Move on from this ‘friendship’ and drop out of her bridal party. It seems hypocritical to remain in the bridal party of one who announced that your marriage will end in divorce and that she won’t support you when it does. She sounds like a petty, nasty person, whom you are better off without.

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    • avatar

      spark August 9, 2011, 8:34 pm

      Making those assumptions is taking a huge leap from the details LW gave us…

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      • katie

        katie August 9, 2011, 9:15 pm

        i dunno, i dont think so… if this particular friend is in the “ultra conservative christian” catagory, this is definitely what they think about marriage…

        i do feel like the LW would have said that this particular friend was in that catagory though, if she in fact is.

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      • avatar

        DebMoore August 10, 2011, 2:40 pm

        Yes, maybe the comment is jumping to conclusions, however as a person who grew up in a conservative Christian household (and School) oldie is not far off. I wouldn’t even describe my upbringing as ultra-religious but close. My sister has gotten a lot of “told you so” from family while going through a divorce this last year. My mom even made an off hand comment “next time you should get married in a church and then maybe your marriage will last” (she got married at the beach by our uncle who is a Pastor) Comments by my family has surprised me and made me a little disappointed in them.
        I am a Christian, but I belivie we all love God our own ways and our own versions. Mine happens to be Christian. I also have stopped a long time ago putting my “2 cents” into any relationship. I have had many friends that have gotten married and it didn’t last, I may have had a feeling before hand that it wouldn’t BUT I don’t know what goes on in thier personal relationship. Most people didn’t think my husband and I would last. We had dated for 4 months when we found out we were going to have a baby and then got married 3 months after that. Double whammy! (short amount of dating time and knocked up!) but 11 years later we love each other and are very strong. So you never know! I have decided a long time ago, we all need to get through life our own way and the point of friends and family is a support system, no matter what. The ONLY time I’d tell someone what to do is if I feel they are in danger. Other than that, live life! Make mistakes! Learn things!
        To LW find out what your friends means, and if she is just being judgmental drop her. But do find out if she has some real concerns.

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  • avatar

    AKchic August 9, 2011, 3:28 pm

    Is this friend one of those “conservative Christians” that you mentioned? Was she one of the ones that doesn’t agree with you and your fiancee living together right now?

    If so – she is spouting religious tripe your way in hopes of getting you to repent, dump the guy who helped you “fall from grace” and get back to the church. It’s almost cultish.

    I have no problems with Christians, don’t get me wrong. What I have a problem with is the need for people to use their religion as a way of controlling other people’s actions and condemn them for perfectly natural things all because THEIR interpretations of their religious readings, or the interpretations of their religious leader says it isn’t right.

    We have a bunch of those religious nuts in AK. Preachers who feel that marital rape isn’t rape because biblically, if the woman is withholding sex (which is her duty to the husband), then biblically, he can take what is due him as the man of the home. Preachers who feel that it’s no less than the hand of God when a prostitute, homosexual, or divorced person is murdered. It is truly sick. All of them claim to be Christians.
    I pity the true Christians, since they get lumped in with such filth, much like I feel bad for average Muslims who got lumped in with the Islamic radicals who continue to terrorise the world. Much like the white males of German lineage who join the military – they are all watched, and if they look into pagan religions, then end up on a neo-nazi watch list, even if they aren’t actually looking for something like that. They are just looking for a religion – unfortunately, Norse traditions were usurped by one neo-nazi group, and it just kind of took off. Apparently, Thor is the “perfect” specimen of neo-nazi looks.

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  • avatar

    justpeachy August 9, 2011, 3:36 pm

    I have to disagree a little bit here. While I completely agree that this friend probably worded things horribly, she may be honestly concerned about the direction of your relationship. She may know something or have seen something about your fiance that you don’t and this was her poorly educated to let you know.

    While her execution was flawed, imagine if this letter had come to Wendy:

    Dear Wendy,

    I have a friend who is getting married and she doesn’t know it/see it, but her fiance is secretly cheating/lying to her about his past/demonstrating controlling behavior. What should I do?

    I’m just saying don’t shoot the messenger until you have the complete message. Sit her down and ask her WHY she thinks this. Don’t cut her out of your life until you have have all the information.

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    • avatar

      Quakergirl August 9, 2011, 4:03 pm

      I wouldn’t cut her out because she said “I think you’re making a mistake,” which might be a completely well-founded concern with a ton of valid reasons behind it, I would do it because she said “and don’t come running to me when your mistake bites you in the ass.” That’s not how friendship works.

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      • avatar

        MJ August 9, 2011, 4:07 pm

        Agreed. Even if you’re making the worst mistake of your life, a true friend is there for you when it all falls apart…and doesn’t even whisper “I told you so.”

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      • avatar

        robottapocalypse August 9, 2011, 7:31 pm

        A true friend tries to keep you from cutting your nose off before you spite your face. The friend will find out that the boyfriend/fiance is more important and leave. Then five years from now, she will be calling her friend about how she was right all along and how she should have listened.

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    • landygirl

      Landygirl August 9, 2011, 6:13 pm

      If she is so lacking in tact that she would tell her friend what she did in the first place, I doubt she’d be subtle enough not to let her friend know if her fiance was cheating.

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  • avatar

    Quakergirl August 9, 2011, 3:46 pm

    Wow. Just wow. I have a friend in a very similar situation, who is with a guy I couldn’t think too much less of (although I have very valid reasons, like him cheating), and although I’ve gently expressed my concerns and made sure she’s thought about all the possible problems/thought through her own issues with the relationship, mostly I’m there to listen to her and tell her that I’m here for her no matter what. Even if you think your friend is making a mistake, it’s your job to be there for her if you care about her. To actually tell a close friend that you wouldn’t be there for her in the event of a divorce is pretty cruel. I’d say dump her, not for expressing genuine concern (assuming that’s what it was), but because she clearly doesn’t care about you.

    When a friend needs you, you’re there, period, even if she married the wrong guy or didn’t heed your warnings about the perils of Sun-In. You help her pack up her stuff, get her new couch up to her 3rd floor walk up, re-dye her hair back from orange to brown and swear not to snap a cell phone photo. If this chick doesn’t get that, you’re better off without her.

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    • avatar

      Riefer August 10, 2011, 10:56 am

      Ha! Sun-in!

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  • avatar

    AnitaBath August 9, 2011, 4:01 pm

    I don’t know, I don’t really know enough to say whether to dump the friend or listen to her. I feel like I could easily be that friend that everyone is being so harsh on. My friend is dating a guy that she thinks is amazing, intelligent, awesome, and kind, but they’ve been together since they were 13, they break up at least once a year, and she’s constantly finding out that he’s always trying to get with other girls behind her back. He once hardcore hit on me while we were drunk, he frequently puts her down, and when they break up it is an emotional drain on EVERYONE. Then they get back together, we’re all left pulling our hair out, and we just wait for the next time it’s going to happen. Every time it happens, a lot of us have the attitude of, “I can’t do this again! I just can’t! She’s putting *me* through an emotional roller coaster!” But then she comes to us the next time and she’s so upset, and there’s just no way we can’t not be there for our friend, even if we know they’re just getting back together.

    On the other hand, the LW could be in an amazing relationship. I would really dissect what it was the friend said. Did she give concrete examples? Did she say things like, “I really hate how he calls you fat and makes you feel bad about yourself. I know that he sometimes compliments you, but I feel like he’s toxic to your self esteem.” Or did she say things like, “You shouldn’t be getting married. Because I don’t think it’s the right time. Because I don’t think it will work out.”

    I’m more inclined to think that people who have been a good friend thus far don’t just come out and say that they disapprove of your relationship and don’t know if they can be there for you when you get divorced for no apparent reason.

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    • avatar

      Valerie August 9, 2011, 4:11 pm

      I totally agree with you AnitaBath.

      LW, I think it would be really good to get to the bottom of WHY your friend said the things she did, as others have mentioned in their comments. I also think it would serve you well to do some inner reflection. Is there any merit to the concerns that your friend brings up? I just read this great article in the Huffington Post about how 30% of divorced women know they’re making a mistake when they walk down the aisle. Here’s a link to the article if anyone’s interested:

      http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-gauvain/doubts-before-marriage_b_919868.html

      Anyway, the very last paragraph of the article stood out to me:
      “She saw the red flags and she ignored them. Her gut told her something was wrong but she tuned it out. She found out the hard way that being alone would have been a lot easier than marrying the wrong guy–especially as she starts the painful task of navigating a divorce. The moral of the story is pay attention to those red flags and gut feelings. If you do, you are guaranteed to have happier, healthier relationships.”

      If you know in your heart that you’re 100%, without a shadow of a doubt, marrying the right guy, then don’t worry about your friend. But if the concerns that your friend brings up cast any doubt, then it would be a good idea to seriously think about if you’re making the right decision.

      Also, two words: premarital counseling!!!!

      Best of luck LW!!!! 😀

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    • avatar

      crazyayeaye August 9, 2011, 4:14 pm

      Well put, exactly what I was thinking too….I wouldn’t be surprised if this friend had expressed concern to the LW before and is really frustrated that the LW might not be listening time and time again in the face of evidence. However, if this is not the case, then perhaps the friend has ulterior motives, but I am hesitant to write the friend off so quickly without more information.

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      • KKZ

        Pankakes August 9, 2011, 9:05 pm

        The LW said the words hit her “like a Mack truck. I was completely blindsided.” If she’s telling the truth, I would say that’s a pretty good indicator that this friend has never voiced any serious concerns before.

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      • avatar

        AnitaBath August 9, 2011, 9:08 pm

        You’d think that would be a good indicator, but I can tell you from experience that it’s not. No matter how many times you say something, people still feel blindsided when you’re saying something they don’t want to hear. This might have been the first time the friend has said something like the divorce comment, but it might not be the first time she’s expressed concern (or expressed a judgmental attitude, or whatever it was since we have so little information).

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      honeybeenicki August 9, 2011, 4:36 pm

      I think the issue many people have is not the friend voicing these concerns, its the fact that she said she wouldn’t be there for her when she gets divorced in 5 years. That is not ever a true friend. A true friend will be miffed that you didn’t listen but would still be there for you when something happens. As far as I’m concerned, even if the friend has legitimate concerns that we didn’t hear about, she did not act in a way a real friend should.

      I have a friend that was with someone who left her more than once in really bad fashions (including an email when he was 1 week away from coming home from the military after they were married) and I voiced my concerns about her getting back with him repeatedly but I would never had told her “well when this falls through I won’t be there for you.” I didn’t even say “when”. I used if. And followed it with “you know I will always be there for you, so let me know if you need me.”

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      • avatar

        justpeachy August 9, 2011, 4:54 pm

        I’m going to disagree with you a bit just because of the assumptions that Anitabath makes in her original advice. If this girl just caused constant drama by engaging in an unhealthy relationship despite their concern and support, eventually, she will lose friends because of it. There’s been posts here before about when it’s time to break up with a friend and a friend who’s relationship drama continually stresses out everyone around them may need to be dumped eventually.

        I agree that maybe the “I told you so” attitude is uncalled for, but she might have just been trying to say, “If you marry this guy, don’t be surprised if people start distancing themselves from you”.

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        honeybeenicki August 9, 2011, 5:12 pm

        You may be right that she was trying to get that point across, unfortunately if the wording was anywhere near what LW wrote (when you get divorced in five years blah blah blah I won’t be there), I stand by my decision that she doesn’t seem like a true friend. But yes, there are definitely people like that (I’ve been around people like that).

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  • avatar

    Jena August 9, 2011, 4:18 pm

    Sounds like she’s projecting and wants to call off her own wedding for fear of being divorced in five years herself, and potentially wants you to do the same.

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  • avatar

    artsygirl August 9, 2011, 4:27 pm

    LW: I would invite this friend to coffee to talk this out. Maybe sitting down and talking will give you insight into why she thinks your relationship is doomed. It is because you are living together beforehand? Is it because she has seen some behavior which worries her? Is it because she was having a shitty day and lashed out at you, dismissing your relationship?

    I would give her the opportunity to explain what was going on in her mind when she said that to you. If she cannot offer a legitimate reason, or one which you do not see as legitimate, then I would calmly explain that her words hurt you and made you feel like she is trivializing your friendship. Hopefully she will apologize, but if she does not and in fact continues to spew this type of toxic comments then you can gracefully bow out of her wedding and end the friendship knowing you did what you could.

    My guess is that this might be a case where someone is pulling a holier than thou attitude. She does not approve of your relationship because you are not doing it in the way she is, and she is making assumptions based on your actions rather than on the two people in the relationship. Honestly do you want to be friends with someone who will negatively judge you for decision you make that have no impact on her life?

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    • katie

      katie August 9, 2011, 9:25 pm

      THIS! i totally agree with you.

      so often, when people argue and are mad at each other, it was just a misunderstanding. the whole, she hurt me and doesn’t even know it, while the other is going, she hurt me and she doesn’t even know it.

      i completely agree that they need to sit down and talk. and from that talk, I think that the LW will understand that her friend is either A, very legitimately concerned about a negative aspect of her relationship or B, a total religous and/or wedding crazed bitch.

      talk it out!

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  • avatar

    LTC039 August 9, 2011, 3:41 pm

    Agree with Wendy 100%! I had a friend that had been through a bad break up with a guy she was madly in love with (& was living with), shortly after I broke up w/ my boyfriend so naturally, we spent most of our single-spare time together. She was supposed to be one of my “best friends”, but a few months later when my ex & I were reconciling, she started making comments saying “he’s going to do the same shit to you,” & “things don’t work the second time around” etc… Had my boyfriend & I broken up bc of something he did to me, I would understand her concerns, but since that had nothing to do with it, I didn’t think it was necessary.
    I certainly would not be ok with a “friend” telling me my marriage was going to fail in x amount of time with no concrete examples. Like Wendy said, that is not a friend. A friend is supposed to be there for you no matter what even when he/she knows you are putting yourself in a shitty situation (relationship wise). You tell your friend your concerns (in a caring, genuine way, not judgemental) & then stand beside them regardless of their decision.
    She is not your friend.

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  • avatar

    SGMcG August 9, 2011, 4:42 pm

    I’m curious LW if you have entered some sort of pre/cana/pre-marital counseling and/or talked to the priest/pastor of your church about your pending nuptuals? The only reason I ask is because your friend really didn’t give a reason you can think about as to why she objects to the marriage. Maybe (and I’m suspecting that THIS could be the actual reason) she sees that you are planning your marriage with your fiance not in the context of that of the conservative Christian faith you were brought up in. Furthermore, you are currently “living in sin” together and such marriages are doomed to fail, thus the voiced sentiment of eventual divorce in 5 years.

    If that is the case (and please excuse the explative), fuck her. If you look at how she’s planning her wedding, ask her if she has any pre-cana and/or pre-marital counseling with her pastor/priest before she gets married, because it certainly sounds like that she need it for herself. It is one thing if she merely voiced concerns about your marriage, but she also gave it an expiration date without justified explanation. If her questionable support as your friend makes it impossible for you to be a bridesmaid and support her decision, I wouldn’t blame you one bit if you withdrew from her wedding too.

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    • avatar

      haggith August 9, 2011, 5:16 pm

      that’s exactly what my sister thinks of my marriage!!! hers is “legitimate” because it was the way her church mandates; a church i don’t belong anymore. in her mind (and by the way she behaved before, during and after the wedding) mine is doomed to end and isn’t gonna last for the eternity as hers. that attitude irritates me but my husband and i don’t make a big fuss about that; after all we moved very far from that negativity

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    • avatar

      mf August 9, 2011, 6:35 pm

      Bingo! I come from a conservative Christian background and I’m 98% sure this what’s going on.

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  • caitie_didnt

    caitie_didn't August 9, 2011, 4:55 pm

    Ok, what?? It’s really non of her business giving you an “expiration date” for a marriage that hasn’t even happened yet. If she told you, out of nowhere, that she can’t support your marriage because it’s guaranteed to end in divorce, then yeah- dump her and withdraw from her bridal party. A good friend doesn’t try to undermine you or plant seeds of doubt in your mind regarding your chosen partner.

    If, on the other hand, she had some concrete examples of things she was concerned about (he wants kids and you don’t, he’s mean or critical to you, he has a history of cheating), then you might want to have a big think about what she’s telling you.

    My close friend’s boyfriend is turning out to be a real wiener (they’ve been together 4 months or so), but I’m not going to end our friendship over him. Because that would be stupid, and she’s my friend and needs my support and someone to talk to about the things he says to her.

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  • avatar

    Steph August 9, 2011, 5:23 pm

    I know how you feel. I started dating my then husband over 4 years ago. People said I was stupid for dating him, that we would never last.. For some reason people feel like they have the right to give an opinion even when nobody asks for it. I appreciated friends concerns, mainly that we were too different in levels of education and background. But In the end the choice is your. I made the choice to stay with my husband, married him and now I can look at these people and just smile, because we are happy and together.

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  • avatar

    Marie August 9, 2011, 6:23 pm

    I’m saying what a lot of people are posting here….unless your friend has a valid reason as to why she thinks your marriage to your fiance won’t last,drop her.Your friends should be celebrating this time of your life with you.

    Even if she had a valid reason,telling you she wouldn’t stand by you should you end up divorcing your fiance in the future is a shitty thing to say.

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  • avatar

    mf August 9, 2011, 6:42 pm

    I feel your pain, LW. I’m in a very similar situation (including the conservative Christian family and living together situation) with my very own sister, who refuses to be my maid of honor and says she can’t support my marriage. I don’t know what to do because she’s my sister – I can’t just say fuck her.

    Anyway, I don’t have any advice except to say you shouldn’t let her get you down. Focus on enjoying your engagement and celebrating your marriage with the people that support you. This phase is about you and your fiancé, not your selfish friend, so focus on each other.

    Best wishes and congrats on your engagement!

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    • avatar

      artsygirl August 10, 2011, 11:06 am

      mf I am sorry you are going through this. I was the maid of honor for my sister’s wedding even though I did not like my brother in law. I calmly attempted to talk her out of marrying him especially since she had only known him about 4 months, but she was pregnant and decided to go through with it. Family sticks together no matter what, you love and support each other and I hope your sister comes around. Good luck on your wedding!

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  • avatar

    MiMi August 9, 2011, 7:22 pm

    There is too little backstory and information here for us to make good sense of this, LW, but it seems this woman dissed you, your darling fiance, and your future happiness in one easy step and you said…nothing? We don’t know, but I hope you demanded an explanation or defended your love or did something, anything to stand your ground before a bully…

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      MsMisery August 10, 2011, 8:52 am

      I agree; there’s so much seemingly left out. Where were the reasons behind this “friend’s” concern? Where was the outrage on the behalf of the LW? Plus, do any of the other friends of the LW express concerns for her safety/emotional well-being/future?? If Nostradamus here is (A) a lone wolf in her beliefs and (B) has no basis in reality for her beliefs then the LW needs to have a firm discussion with this person at the very least, and possibly cut ties completely.

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    SpyGlassez August 9, 2011, 8:55 pm

    There is absolutely one person in the world to whom I would say, “your marriage will not last.” It is my younger sister. She isn’t married, but with the last 2 boyfriends she began to talk fancifully about marriage. It had nothing to do with the guys she was dating and everything to do with HER maturity level and the fact that frankly, I knew she would get “bored” of them quickly.

    I am NOT saying the LW is not mature, and it definitely sounds to me like a case of “you’re not going about this MY WAY so you’re wrong.” However, maybe the LW should examine herself to see if the frenemy is trying to tell her something about herself.

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  • katie

    katie August 9, 2011, 9:31 pm

    LW, everyone has good advice for you, but i wanted to say something totally different:

    congratulations on living your life the way you deem it to be, and not the way any church or book or priest or your parents mandate it. i have had to formulate my own beliefs in my life as well (away from my family and “religion”) and it is a hard thing to do, and so I commend you for being strong and independent.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark August 10, 2011, 12:42 am

    The fact that the LW oh-so-conveniently left out ANY details about what the friend’s concerns were makes me all the more certain these concerns of the friend were more than valid…

    I’ve spoken up about some of my friend’s choices. (Surprise, surprise.) Once or twice with disastrous results for the friendship… Of course, in at least two instances I was dead right and the relationships in question didn’t last. Oh no, instead they exploded into tedious hetero-drama… Of course the one plus side for speaking up was I didn’t have to be there holding anybody’s hand when it all came crashing down.

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      ktfran August 10, 2011, 11:03 am

      Totally agree with your first paragraph. Too much was left out to really know what’s going on. At first, I was thinking the same thing as many commenters, but as you and MiMi have stated, there is too little backstory. A little fishy.

      Although, I do think the “I won’t be your friend comment” sucks and is inappropriate. There are ways to voice concerns without taking it to that level.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark August 10, 2011, 12:16 pm

        What? I never said I wouldn’t be their friend… They dumped me when I voiced concern and they dumped me hard. It was like: “How dare you? How dare you? Can’t you just be happy for me! Miss X is perfect!!! HOW DARE YOU?!” They broke off the friendship. Not me. Moreover they made a HUGE deal of it and tried to involve our mutual friends…

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        robottapocalypse August 10, 2011, 7:48 pm

        I just got a friend back from a divorce. He totally blew me off when I told him he was marrying a skank, that she’d cheat on him again, and that I couldn’t go to his wedding knowing that. Over the four years since that conversation, she cheated a few times and got caught. Now, after the nasty divorce, he’s willing to admit he was wrong and be my friend. He values the fact that I told him what I thought, and understands that I was a far better friend than people who supported his bad choice.

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    robottapocalypse August 10, 2011, 1:24 am

    Your friend is probably right, because she knows you. The people on the forum you’ve pandered to with your controlled release of information don’t know you, nor do they know the situation past what you’ve told them to shine a positive light on your boyfriend.

    Why do you need the validation from strangers, LW?

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  • rubyroo

    Ruby August 10, 2011, 11:21 am

    I agree that more details from the friend about why she is so concerned about the marriage, are needed here!
    I can’t wait for the update to find out what happens!

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    XanderTaylor August 12, 2011, 2:14 pm

    My brother’s best friend declined to be his best man at his wedding because he didn’t like the girl my bro was marrying. Friendship last 25 years – unsteady. Marraige last 25 years – priceless. They love each other more than they did all of those years ago.

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    Allie August 12, 2011, 4:04 pm

    I would explain to your friend how you feel. Tell her, “I am disappointed that, despite our different religious/social/cultural beliefs, you would not stand by me, even if that included an unfortunate divorce, (which is obviously something that no one wants!). First, see if this wakes her up to the fact that she is being a ridiculous fair-weather friend. If not, then I would back off from the friendship at least a little.

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