Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Friends Say I Deserve Better. Are They Right?”

I am 20 years old and was in a serious relationship for about two years. I know I am young, but this relationship had so many special qualities that we both thought we would end up together.

At the beginning of this year my supposedly perfect relationship ended. My boyfriend dumped me because I would freak out due to major trust issues I have (FYI- don’t really know where these trust issues came from, I suppose it’s a result of my insecurities). He told me he needed his space because my distrust had become too much for him to handle. He didn’t want a permanent break up — he still wanted to talk, take me on dates, etc. (or at least he said he did). I told him that I wouldn’t be waiting for him when he wanted to come back to me. I believed that if he truly wanted us, then he would stay and fight and not give up so easily. He said he has tried to stay and fight for months but needed a break from it. Just to give you a little background: these past few months have been hard on me. I overthink everything and make up the worst possible scenarios in my head – and I have taken it out on him because I get so frustrated I don’t know how else to express myself.

I couldn’t grasp why he expected me to stick around and wait and continue to chase him when he had thrown in the towel. So, that was it – I told him this was goodbye for good. After a few days of dealing with him drunkenly texting me fifty times in a row, I told him this needed to stop completely. I knew that whenever he texted me or snap chatted me, I would respond since I am hopelessly weak and still in love.

This past weekend I made a huge, drunken mistake and slept with him, only to find out later that day that he had had sex with someone else the night before. I freaked and told him to leave me alone for good (I really meant it). Before all this happened, I told him that, if we had any shot in the future, he wouldn’t f*ck someone else, but he did anyway.

I am at a complete crossroads. He keeps telling me that sex isn’t anything significant with anyone else. I do know that in this day-and-age, sex isn’t as sacred to most people as it was in the past. The thing is, it is sacred to me. I asked him not to do this, but he did. He expresses that he’s sorry and he’s been kissing my ass ever since, but I don’t know if I could ever trust him again. Why should I, right? I have forgiven him for so many things because that’s who I am. Why should I keep forgiving him if he just keeps walking all over me? I know I am completely sh*tting on him because there is so much good that he does for me too. I give him so much, and I feel like, if I cut us off for one mistake he made that I will probably forget about in the future, I will regret it.

I know all my friends think it’s best if he and I end for good, as our relationship was pretty messy towards the end. But it’s so hard to just give up on someone I love so much. I don’t know what to do. I love him, but I don’t want to be an idiot- I want the love that I know I deserve (which he gave me before all of this shit happened in the last few months). Everyone tells me I deserve so much more, but how are they supposed to judge when they don’t understand how I feel about him? I should forget him, right? Or no? HELP. — Lost and confused

I’m confused. You were broken up — or, sorry, “on a break,” — and had told him to stop calling and messaging you and that it was “good-bye for good,” and then, after he drunkenly texted you dozens and dozens of times, you jumped into bed with him despite your feelings that sex is “sacred”? What’s sacred about drunkenly screwing a guy who dumped your ass and whom you told to leave you alone? That doesn’t sound sacred to me; it just sounds desperate and kind of pitiful. And there’s the rub, Lost and Confused. Your (ex) boyfriend knows how desperate and pitiful you are at the moment. He knows he has all the power. He knows he can walk all over you, treat you like shit, gaslight you for months, saying your distrust is “too much to handle” (as if your distrust came out of nowhere), dump your ass, fuck someone else, drunkenly fuck you, and STILL you’re gonna be all, “But I LOVE him. It’s just one mistake! He does so much good for me.” Girl, come on.

You know how all your friends think it’s best if you move on and that you deserve more? And you think they just don’t understand how you feel about him? They understand, trust me. You think you’re the only person who’s ever really loved someone who’s no good for her? You’re not. Your friends get it. Not only have they probably been there themselves, they’ve likely heard you talk about him and your relationship incessantly. You don’t think that’s enough information to judge and form an opinion about what’s going on? I’ve only read a few paragraphs and I can see what’s going on. You had a relationship that ran its course with a guy who convinced you you wouldn’t find this special a love again, and so now you’re convinced you can’t walk away…. even though you’ve been dumped.

The love you feel for this guy isn’t that special. You know who else has felt similar love for someone at least once in his or her life? Pretty much like 90% of the adult population worldwide. And maybe 80% has felt it multiple times. And something like 99% realized upon finding something more meaningful that the first time they thought they felt super special love actually wasn’t all that great after all. I’m pulling these percentages out of my ass, but they’re probably pretty close to reality and hopefully you get my gist. Do you get my gist? In case not, it’s this: he wasn’t the one. Let him go. Block him every which way he might be able to get in touch with you since you don’t trust yourself not to reply, and MOA, because there’s someone better on the horizon for you. It may not be the next guy you date or the guy after that or even the guy after that. But I promise you: At some point — maybe when you least expect it — you’re going to find someone who doesn’t challenge your trust issues (and by the way, if you truly have trust issues, see a shrink and work through them so you don’t spend every relationship pulling drama queen acts that get you nowhere) — someone who treats you with respect and who doesn’t manipulate and gaslight you, someone whom you don’t have to “fight for” because love, when it’s real and when it’s strong and when it’s with the right person, isn’t a struggle,and that that “special” love you thought you had with your ex but didn’t is actually pretty easy. Sure, relationships may take some effort to maintain, but the love itself is smooth and natural and lifts you up rather than weighs you down (especially when you’re 20, not married, don’t have kids, and don’t have many of the pressures that someone fifteen or twenty years older may have).

In answer to your final question: no, you should not forget him. You should remember him, and remember him well. Let him forever be an example of what you don’t need, so that, should you meet someone new who reminds you of him — who treats you similarly and makes you doubt yourself in the same way, you recognize that feeling and you run. Because that feeling isn’t special. It’s a feeling that many of us have felt, some of us multiple times, when we’re with someone who isn’t right for us. Remember that feeling and avoid it going forward.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

45 comments… add one
  • bagge72

    bagge72 February 2, 2017, 9:54 am

    So you told him that it was good bye for good, and that you wouldn’t be waiting for him when he came back, but you also told him he couldn’t sleep with anyone else in the off chance you did take him back? That will fuck with a guys head, just like him saying oh I need a break, but lets still go on dates will fuck with a girls head.
    If your broken up he can sleep with who he wants, and if you are broken up you don’t keep going on dates!
    Listen, I get it your friends are doing what they are supposed to do, and tell you all the things they think are right, and that’s what friends at that age should do, they need to say fuck him, he’s an asshole, and they put on a fake smile when you get back together. Just don’t get back together this time, because clearly you two don’t work together.
    You are so young, just take time for yourself, go out and have fun with your friends and forget about him for now.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    artsygirl February 2, 2017, 9:55 am

    LW – One of the very few times I have disagreed with Wendy because I don’t think this guy is manipulative, I think you are sending out very mixed signals. You cannot break up with someone and still demand that they not pursue other relationships. You flat out told your boyfriend that you were done and to stop contacting you. He took that to heart and slept with someone else, now you are angry with him? You admit that the break up was because of your own insecurities and the fact that you lash out at him, but then go on to say you have forgiven him many times over the course of your relationship – what have you had to forgive? It sounds like you are not in a healthy place to be in a relationship so look into counseling and see if you can get at the root of your trust issues.

    Reply Link
    • Cleopatra Jones

      Cleopatra Jones February 2, 2017, 10:35 am

      ^This.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      for_cutie February 2, 2017, 10:38 am

      I agree. LW, if you are in college, go to your counseling center and start seeing a therapist to work through these trust issues that you admit you don’t understand. Addressing this now will improve all of the relationships in your life, now and in the future. If you are in college, go now! It only gets harder to fit in doctor’s appointments when you are out in the working world, and most colleges offer free or very reduced rate services. Our local college – private, sub-ivy – has 10 free therapy sessions a semester per student. I have heard of similar things at our local state school too. MOA from this guy, and like @bagge72 said, hang out with your friends more.

      Reply Link
    • bagge72

      bagge72 February 2, 2017, 10:41 am

      I agree with 90% of this, but I do think this guy is being manipulative. He used the fact that she had trust issues to string her a long with a “break”, and try to keep her around while he tried to find something better. It would have worked if he didn’t slip up and tell her about the girl he just slept, but he got what he wanted. He slept with somebody new, and with his ex.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        artsygirl February 2, 2017, 12:01 pm

        I figured I would give the guy the benefit of the doubt since I am unsure what he motivation is. It is possible that he is stringing her along, or it is possible that he just wanted to take a step back especially since it sounds like the last few months of the relationship were bad. It seems to me that neither the LW nor her BF know what to do and so they did half measures which just led to more confusion.

        Link
      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom February 2, 2017, 12:26 pm

        I don’t think its manipulative to want to take a step back from a partner who is constantly, nonstop insecure. I think it is so emotionally exhausting and time consuming that anyone will sooner or later reach a breaking point and need to pull back. There are people who can’t be made to feel secure. Even if they spent 24 hours a day together she could feel insecure. Trying to date might be his way of trying to get back to what they had before when the relationship was good. I think he probably didn’t know what else to do.

        Link
      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover February 2, 2017, 1:23 pm

        I think he was being manipulative, but I don’t know if he was consciously so. He could have just been afraid to let her go, loves her too much, etc so he couldn’t make a clean break when he should have.

        Anyway, regardless of whether he was being purposefully manipulative or not, it sounds like LW was a wreck during the relationship due to the trust issues, and that’s what pushed him to end it. LW, listen to the advice here, work on those issues before you try to get into another serious relationship. Because no guy can fix them for you, and every relationship will end up like this until you’re able to trust.

        Link
    • Copa

      Copa February 2, 2017, 10:48 am

      I agree that LW needs to stop sending mixed signals, but also think her ex is acting how he is because he knows he can.

      LW, if you want to stop feeling like he’s stringing you along, you need to stop enabling it. Do you really mean it when you tell him you aren’t going to wait around? Or are you just saying that to get him to fight for you? It sounds like the latter, and it’s not going to work. He broke up with you. You’re right that you shouldn’t wait around for him to decide he wants to be with you. So, stick to your word — block him so he can’t contact you, and make an effort to move on, even if you’re scared to. Even if HE is scared to.

      Wendy’s right that we’ve all had our Super Special Loves. I’m assuming because of your age that this is your first serious/long term relationship — and that’s the hardest relationship to end. If you want the love you know you deserve, be brave enough to let go of this one — you won’t find it with this guy, and you won’t find it until you move on.

      Good luck!

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    Arra February 2, 2017, 10:26 am

    Please practice safe sex and use birth control.

    Reply Link
  • Kate B.

    Kate B. February 2, 2017, 10:35 am

    You both did a little mindfucking here. He told you he needed his space and he wanted to break up (for a month?) but he still wanted to take you on dates. That’s him hedging his bets and wanting to keep you on a string. That’s his mindfuck. Yours was demanding that he not sleep with anyone else when you were supposedly broken up. You’re either together or you’re not. If you’re not, he gets to do whatever he wants, and so do you. It’s good that you realize that you have insecurities. The next step is to figure out where they came from and get them under control, otherwise they will continue to cause you problems. Seeing a counselor or therapist can help with this. In the meantime, listen to your friends and move on from this guy.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    LisforLeslie February 2, 2017, 10:50 am

    I agree that this is not the guy for you and you need to move on. But I think you need to also deal with your own insecurities and jealousy. If you treat every boyfriend as if he will cheat or betray you – the same scenario will play out. They will leave. It’s awful to be accused of cheating or even thinking of cheating when you have done nothing to deserve it.

    Still – this guy is a jerk. MOA

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    gym5ive February 2, 2017, 10:53 am

    So true! I’ve been there and millions of other people have too. I’m a bit of a lurker but I felt so compelled to comment today. I wasted HOURS and countless tears of my early 20s on men who treated me terribly and made me doubt myself. I blamed myself for everything and became very insecure – I was that girl constantly asking “He texted ‘Y,’ what do I say back?” Which was exhausting and never gave me the happy, secure relationship I wanted anyway. I dated this one terrible guy on and off for so long that when I mentioned to my friend I was thinking of getting back together with him for the gazillionth time, he said he would literally board a plane to NYC and physically restrain me from doing so. It wasn’t until I got sick of love being this exhausting, dramatic Thing (and got older/more confident) that I immediately cut loose any guy who made me feel insecure and exhausted, especially early on when things are supposed to be easy. Now I’m dating a fantastic guy and obviously we fight or sometimes we drive each other a little nuts, but the relationship is stable and relaxing. Being with him lifts me up and makes me happy rather than being this Thing I have to constantly dissect and devote energy to. The faster you figure out this lesson (and I wish it had been much faster for me) the easier and less dramatic life will be and you will be so much happier/have so much more time to focus on the rest of your life.

    @artsygirl – I do think the LW has a role she should own up to in the breakup but, honestly, I don’t think a nice guy would’ve behaved the way her ex has behaved (it sounds like he wasn’t a great boyfriend to begin with, if he had problems with her insecurity but didn’t clearly communicate his issues or try to brainstorm solutions with the LW). I do agree that if she’s insecure, therapy can really help (it helped me so much!) because if you just want a boyfriend – any boyfriend – you often end up with manipulative, crazy guys whose bad behavior you accept.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Janelle February 2, 2017, 10:53 am

    You told him leave you alone but not to sleep with someone else? Doesn’t work that way babe.

    Reply Link
  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster February 2, 2017, 10:54 am

    I will sheepishly admit that my love life circa age 20 was full of this kind of drama. Both of us acted like we had to “fight” for our special love that, in reality, was a codependent mess. LW, stop letting your emotions drive the ship. You think because you can’t snap out of that love-sick feeling and because you keep getting ambushed with a desire to text him, see him, hear his voice, etc. that it means you have to run back to him and “fight.” No. It just means that your emotions control you. Feelings don’t always need to be acted on. Take a deep breath- ACTUALLY block this guy in every way, and then dive into school, work, your hobbies, and your friends. Get your head clear and take a step back from this major drama.

    Reply Link
  • mrmidtwenties

    mrmidtwenties February 2, 2017, 11:09 am

    It seems to me that neither of you are bad people, but you’re at a point where you’re both just dragging each other down, even though you don’t necessarily mean to be. The relationship is over, break up for good, go work on yourself, go figure out your “trust issues” unless you want to scare the next guy away.

    Reply Link
    • bagge72

      bagge72 February 2, 2017, 11:48 am

      Are you out of your mid twenties yet!? I feel like you have been on here so long you need an updated name!

      Reply Link
      • mrmidtwenties

        mrmidtwenties February 2, 2017, 12:02 pm

        Haha, well I’ll be 28 next month, which I think may spur a new name

        Link
      • avatar

        MissDre February 2, 2017, 1:21 pm

        He’s fine for 2 more years… then he’ll be mrearlythirties

        Link
  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom February 2, 2017, 11:21 am

    You can’t have a healthy relationship until you resolve your trust issues and that means therapy. An emotionally healthy person will seldom settle for an emotionally unhealthy person.

    Since you don’t mention any reason for your trust issues I assume they rest with you and not with your boyfriend acting shady. I think you’d mention that. Have you seen relationships fall apart due to cheating? Have you experienced that through your parents or parents of close friends? Do you have someone around you who makes lots of comments about how all men cheat?

    You’ve found with this relationship that love isn’t enough to make a lasting relationship. You must have trust. Without trust every relationship you enter will fail. Every one. The way to learn to trust is to figure out why you don’t trust and to learn to see the difference between people who are trustworthy and people who aren’t. Some people have been so scarred by their childhood experiences that they can never trust and that lack of trust destroys every romantic adult relationship.

    When you reach the point that you feel the need to fight for the relationship that relationship has already died.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    wobster109 February 2, 2017, 11:29 am

    I’m really sympathetic to the guy here. I’ve been the stable friend who talks someone down from a panic or anxiety attack, and let me just say one late night rescue a week was pushing it. I can’t imagine being the primary stabilizer for someone for months on end.

    LW, were you crying on the phone for hours more than once per week? Did you yell at him about things that weren’t his fault, such as family or classes? Did you accuse him of cheating or make him prove himself to you? Was he afraid to say “hey I need to go to bed now, let’s pick this up on Saturday”, because you would get upset with him?

    If you answered yes to any of those things, then here’s the blunt truth. You lost his love by treating him badly.

    It doesn’t sound to me like he is gaslighting you. It sounds like you were both unable to make a clean break up, him by wanting to try again, and you by expecting him to stay monogamous with you. By the way you don’t get to unilaterally say what’s “sacred”, and neither of you gets a say in what the other when you are broken up. That is controlling.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    jnsunique February 2, 2017, 11:53 am

    I got the impression that the LW is looking for advice on where/how to find the strength to break it off permanently. She knows it needs to happen. Personally, I’d probably take a few days off from work, use it to grieve, eat lots of ice cream and wear PJs all day. Then I’d try to take a short weekend vacation, hike, camping trip, etc, because it helps me think about my life and big-picture priorities. And I’d refuse to respond to any calls, texts, emails, etc from the ex. Start fresh, focus on myself and my health. I’m an introvert and would be happy single (though I’m very happy with my husband), so I’m not sure that approach would work for everyone. I’d recommend spending more time solo in general, because that’s what helps ground and recharge me!

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Vathena February 2, 2017, 11:57 am

    Everyone has pretty much covered it. This was not a “perfect” or even healthy relationship. It’s called a breakup because it’s broken! Get your insecurity/trust/anger issues under control before they wreck all of your relationships. Don’t let him use you for sex when he’s clearly not interested in being your boyfriend anymore.

    It made me feel old when I realized that this LW may not get the “on a break” reference, on account of only being a zygote when the phrase was coined.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    dinoceros February 2, 2017, 12:01 pm

    I don’t like the narrative of a person “deserving” a certain type of love or relationship. Yes, there are situations when someone is treating someone badly and they do deserve better. But this is one of those situations where your friends are villainizing your ex, possibly just to try to convince you to be done with him, just for the sake of villainizing him. You two made bad choices when it came to breaking up. Breaks are a bad idea because they create a messy situation where one or both parties are pining after the other, and then the person who moves on first gets crapped on for moving on.

    You two make a bad couple. Time to move on. Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to stay together forever. It’s not a sign that breaking up is a bad idea. I’d suggest that you figure out how to get a handle on your trust issues before a future relationship though, because it sounds like maybe that makes you become somewhat controlling and that’s going to be a problem to most people.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      KaosMistress February 6, 2017, 8:40 am

      “vilifying”

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    Anonymousse February 2, 2017, 12:41 pm

    You need to work on your trust issues with a counselor at school or a therapist.
    You both did wrong here, you by claiming no contact, and then not standing by that and then expecting he not fuck other people after you broke up with him…and then screwing him anyway…and he with the whole “break” talk.

    Forget him, move on. But do not date anyone untilmyou get your issues under control.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Boosker February 2, 2017, 1:00 pm

    Hey friend, sounds like you might be suffereing from an anxiety disorder, which is something you need to deal with, ideally with the help of a therapist and possibly medication. The relationship and/or your ex probably isn’t the problem, just a casualty of your anxiety. (I say this not as a mental health professional but as someone who also suffers from anxiety of the post partum variety. Details like “I don’t know why I’m so distrusting” and “I always go to the worst possible scenario” were what seemed like anxiety red flags to me…who has no authority to diagnose…at all).

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    marynn February 2, 2017, 1:13 pm

    Hey, I’m mostly a lurker as well but a million years ago, I read something here that has stayed with me for a long time. It was something along the lines of “sometimes when you are both drowning, you need to let go of each other so you can swim back up on your own”.
    I identified with this letter because I also have been broken up with in my early twenties and the pain can be a lot. But with time I realized it was for the best, and so did he. We were just not right for each other and the relationship ran its course, and it still hurt like hell. You should cut all contact and just give it time.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Ron February 2, 2017, 2:56 pm

    I think this letter is just the latest case of confusing an unfortunate melange of lust/drama/co-dependency/desperation with love. I don’t think true love can exist without trust, friendship, honesty, respect,communication, and basic kindness. I see no evidence of those six essentials in this letter. The necessary physical chemistry is there, but that’s all. These are two people who don’t trust or especially like each other. LW lacks the emotional stability for a solid relationship. Therapy is a great suggestion.

    Another common thread from so many letters — drunk sex: not a good idea, unless with someone you are in an actual relationship with. “I was drunk,” seems the go-to excuse for those unwilling to accept responsibility for their life and the decisions they make.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Ashley February 2, 2017, 3:26 pm

    Every one has said some good things, but I’d like to add that your life has so many other components than your love life. There are your relationships with your family, friends, YOURSELF that you can devote energy to. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in that, especially at 20 when it’s probably your first big break up. Everyone has been there, I cringe at some of the things I’ve done. So be easy on yourself, and resolve to do better next time.

    Reply Link
  • meadowphoenix

    meadowphoenix February 2, 2017, 3:32 pm

    if you’re truly done, you could have prevented him contacting you by popular means by blocking him, which is what I would have done after a guy I told not to talk to me again (which I would have meant, clearly unlike you) decided he’d rather get his own needs met by continuing contact.

    Block him.

    Block.

    Him.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    mmayer18 February 2, 2017, 4:00 pm

    Are you guys listening to your selves? How could you be okay with yourself diagnosing someone you don’t even know with anxiety, depression, etc.? Saying medication may fix her problems? Telling her that she basically put this on herself and it’s all her fault? We’ve ALL be young and in love. We’ve ALL made decisions using our heart instead of our head. Think about what you are writing before this poor girl reads all these comments and starts to believe that this entire break of this relationship is all her fault- that will totally help with her insecurities! What is this was your daughter or best friend? Is this how you’d help her through this difficult time she’s clearly having? She sent this post for help and for legitimate advice. She put her story out there for all of us to read in hopes of finding the answer she was looking for. Shame on all of you for judging this young girl who has barely experienced life. Do not ridicule her for looking for help. Actually help her.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover February 2, 2017, 8:36 pm

      Telling her to go to a therapist IS helping her. If you think that’s ridiculing, then I don’t know what to say. According to her own story, she has major trust issues and insecurities, and she lets everything build up until she’s so frustrated she takes it out on those around her. That’s not normal behaviour. Do you think that’s normal? That’s a good way for her to behave going forward? Or that she should maybe get help to be able to not do that anymore? And to get over her trust issues and insecurites?

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    Kate February 2, 2017, 8:09 pm

    I haven’t read all the comments and maybe someone already said this, but my take on it is he was legit giving the LW reasons not to trust him, probably had a side chick the past few months, wanted to go on a break so he could bang the other chick with impunity but still hang with the LW because why not? I do NOT think he suddenly met this other girl and slept with her just because the LW cut him off. Pleez. She was right to cut him off, wrong to jump back in bed.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Ron February 2, 2017, 9:37 pm

      No evidence of that, at all. Because she has trust issues, he must have been cheating? Nope, not buying that.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Kate February 3, 2017, 7:51 am

        @Ron I see hints of it in her comments like “everything she forgave him for,” and how messy the past few months were, and how her friends are not at all supporting them reuniting. And frankly, guys do this. I have guy friends. My husband has guy friends. If there’s another lady they’re interested in hooking up with, they’ll establish that their current relationship is not bf/gf. I’ve done it too, actually, in the distant past. It’s not just a guy thing.

        Link
      • avatar

        Ron February 3, 2017, 8:29 am

        I think if he had cheated on her or she found ‘evidence’ of his probably cheating, that she would have said that in her letter. Most LWs lead with that, not with confessions that they have insecurity anxieties and a vague “everything she forgave him for”, which I think is likely to be her taking offense to his tone when her insecurity problems suffer. There is nothing in the letter about him cheating and she comes down very hard on his sexual activity during a prolonged breakup, so I feel certain she would have marshaled her evidence if she had anything to justify her insecurities, but she knows she’s got the anxiety problem and that the insecurity was on her.

        Link
      • avatar

        Kate February 3, 2017, 8:40 am

        I dunno, I know it happens, and I also know from being so involved with this site, that LWs very often suppress, gloss over, or entirely leave out facts that would color our impression negatively. You can see it if you’re paying attention, but I can see it even more so with my troll-control tools. I could absolutely see her leaving out “evidence” of infidelity from her letter, particularly if he talked her out of believing it.

        Link
    • avatar

      carolann February 3, 2017, 2:31 am

      @Kate That’s exactly what I was thinking. It’s sounds like he planned the “break” so he could sleep with a chick he was already interested in and not call it cheating. I think he may have played up her insecurities and made her think she was acting irrational. Maybe she had good reason. We can sense these things. Sad how it gets turned around on us so easily. She obviously knew something about this guy wasn’t sincere.
      She should take a break and focus on herself. She doesn’t need to be one of those girls who just has to be in a relationship to feel good about herself. Sometimes being on your own for a while is good. Better to be alone than with the wrong guy.
      I don’t miss 20 AT ALL! I remember this time wasting b***shit. She needs to get tested, (doubt she had safe sex when drunk with a long term boyfriend) get some toys to occupy herself and MOA.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    saneinca February 3, 2017, 12:27 am

    LW, I really feel sorry for you. I know how it feels to be young and uncertain. Both of you has some blame to shoulder :

    1) You should not have dumped your uncertainties on your BF. Remember, he is not your therapist. Either you need to cope with your issues yourself or find a professional to help you.

    2) Your BF should not have asked for a break in name only. You were quite right in trying to break off completely. But looks like what he wanted was to be free of a BF’s responsibilities (such as supporting you emotionally) and feel free to sleep around but still have you on hook. And he should not have manipulated you emotionally into sleeping with him again without resolving your issues.

    3) You are quite right to want break off completely. It was not even 2 months since the breakup and not only did your BF sleep with another girl but also told you without considering your feelings. So please break up with him already. Because he is not ready to commit to you completely and this will happen again.

    But you are not to blame for the pseudo breakup he inflicted on you. That was because he is incapable of making a clear decision to go or stay in a relationship with you. So take this as a learning experience going forward.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Ron February 3, 2017, 8:25 am

      I agree that he shouldn’t have told her. I don’t see how two months after a break-up is too soon to have sex with another woman.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Kate February 3, 2017, 8:41 am

        I think they have only been broken up a few weeks… she said he dumped her at the beginning of this year, so January.

        Link
  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark February 3, 2017, 4:30 am

    I’ve found that nobody with “trust” and “insecurity” ever have a true or realistic idea of just how FUCKED in the head they truly are…
    .
    Its NOT manipulative to need a break from an emotionally draining and exhaustive partner…
    .

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      saneinca February 5, 2017, 3:26 am

      Then he should not have drunk-text her 50 times in a row and manipulate her into sleeping with him.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    baccalieu February 6, 2017, 11:06 am

    I think I might print this off and tape it on my fridge to help snap me out of it every time I start moping over the fact that I’m not 20 years old anymore.

    She has twice in this relationship told him she never wants to see him again and here she is wondering if she should take him back. Drama much? A lot of her actions and actually a large part of her concern about taking him back seem to revolve around making sure that everybody (including herself) knows that she’s no pushover rather than genuinely trying to work through this. Wendy’s answer obviously contemplates the possibility that he gave her reason not to trust him, which may be true, but we don’t know that. It’s also hard to judge if she was right to be upset about his sleeping with another girl because she goes straight from “good-bye for good” and “stop texting me” to “I made drunken mistake and slept with him”. Did she just happen to run into him while drunk? Did they get drunk together? Had they been communicating?

    Anyway these two certainly should not be getting back together unless and until she can trust him, either by him changing his ways or her improving her trust issues or a combination of the two.

    Reply Link

Leave a Comment

Next Post: Previous Post: