At the beginning of this year my supposedly perfect relationship ended. My boyfriend dumped me because I would freak out due to major trust issues I have (FYI- don’t really know where these trust issues came from, I suppose it’s a result of my insecurities). He told me he needed his space because my distrust had become too much for him to handle. He didn’t want a permanent break up — he still wanted to talk, take me on dates, etc. (or at least he said he did). I told him that I wouldn’t be waiting for him when he wanted to come back to me. I believed that if he truly wanted us, then he would stay and fight and not give up so easily. He said he has tried to stay and fight for months but needed a break from it. Just to give you a little background: these past few months have been hard on me. I overthink everything and make up the worst possible scenarios in my head – and I have taken it out on him because I get so frustrated I don’t know how else to express myself.
I couldn’t grasp why he expected me to stick around and wait and continue to chase him when he had thrown in the towel. So, that was it – I told him this was goodbye for good. After a few days of dealing with him drunkenly texting me fifty times in a row, I told him this needed to stop completely. I knew that whenever he texted me or snap chatted me, I would respond since I am hopelessly weak and still in love.
This past weekend I made a huge, drunken mistake and slept with him, only to find out later that day that he had had sex with someone else the night before. I freaked and told him to leave me alone for good (I really meant it). Before all this happened, I told him that, if we had any shot in the future, he wouldn’t f*ck someone else, but he did anyway.
I am at a complete crossroads. He keeps telling me that sex isn’t anything significant with anyone else. I do know that in this day-and-age, sex isn’t as sacred to most people as it was in the past. The thing is, it is sacred to me. I asked him not to do this, but he did. He expresses that he’s sorry and he’s been kissing my ass ever since, but I don’t know if I could ever trust him again. Why should I, right? I have forgiven him for so many things because that’s who I am. Why should I keep forgiving him if he just keeps walking all over me? I know I am completely sh*tting on him because there is so much good that he does for me too. I give him so much, and I feel like, if I cut us off for one mistake he made that I will probably forget about in the future, I will regret it.
I know all my friends think it’s best if he and I end for good, as our relationship was pretty messy towards the end. But it’s so hard to just give up on someone I love so much. I don’t know what to do. I love him, but I don’t want to be an idiot- I want the love that I know I deserve (which he gave me before all of this shit happened in the last few months). Everyone tells me I deserve so much more, but how are they supposed to judge when they don’t understand how I feel about him? I should forget him, right? Or no? HELP. — Lost and confused
I’m confused. You were broken up — or, sorry, “on a break,” — and had told him to stop calling and messaging you and that it was “good-bye for good,” and then, after he drunkenly texted you dozens and dozens of times, you jumped into bed with him despite your feelings that sex is “sacred”? What’s sacred about drunkenly screwing a guy who dumped your ass and whom you told to leave you alone? That doesn’t sound sacred to me; it just sounds desperate and kind of pitiful. And there’s the rub, Lost and Confused. Your (ex) boyfriend knows how desperate and pitiful you are at the moment. He knows he has all the power. He knows he can walk all over you, treat you like shit, gaslight you for months, saying your distrust is “too much to handle” (as if your distrust came out of nowhere), dump your ass, fuck someone else, drunkenly fuck you, and STILL you’re gonna be all, “But I LOVE him. It’s just one mistake! He does so much good for me.” Girl, come on.
You know how all your friends think it’s best if you move on and that you deserve more? And you think they just don’t understand how you feel about him? They understand, trust me. You think you’re the only person who’s ever really loved someone who’s no good for her? You’re not. Your friends get it. Not only have they probably been there themselves, they’ve likely heard you talk about him and your relationship incessantly. You don’t think that’s enough information to judge and form an opinion about what’s going on? I’ve only read a few paragraphs and I can see what’s going on. You had a relationship that ran its course with a guy who convinced you you wouldn’t find this special a love again, and so now you’re convinced you can’t walk away…. even though you’ve been dumped.
The love you feel for this guy isn’t that special. You know who else has felt similar love for someone at least once in his or her life? Pretty much like 90% of the adult population worldwide. And maybe 80% has felt it multiple times. And something like 99% realized upon finding something more meaningful that the first time they thought they felt super special love actually wasn’t all that great after all. I’m pulling these percentages out of my ass, but they’re probably pretty close to reality and hopefully you get my gist. Do you get my gist? In case not, it’s this: he wasn’t the one. Let him go. Block him every which way he might be able to get in touch with you since you don’t trust yourself not to reply, and MOA, because there’s someone better on the horizon for you. It may not be the next guy you date or the guy after that or even the guy after that. But I promise you: At some point — maybe when you least expect it — you’re going to find someone who doesn’t challenge your trust issues (and by the way, if you truly have trust issues, see a shrink and work through them so you don’t spend every relationship pulling drama queen acts that get you nowhere) — someone who treats you with respect and who doesn’t manipulate and gaslight you, someone whom you don’t have to “fight for” because love, when it’s real and when it’s strong and when it’s with the right person, isn’t a struggle,and that that “special” love you thought you had with your ex but didn’t is actually pretty easy. Sure, relationships may take some effort to maintain, but the love itself is smooth and natural and lifts you up rather than weighs you down (especially when you’re 20, not married, don’t have kids, and don’t have many of the pressures that someone fifteen or twenty years older may have).
In answer to your final question: no, you should not forget him. You should remember him, and remember him well. Let him forever be an example of what you don’t need, so that, should you meet someone new who reminds you of him — who treats you similarly and makes you doubt yourself in the same way, you recognize that feeling and you run. Because that feeling isn’t special. It’s a feeling that many of us have felt, some of us multiple times, when we’re with someone who isn’t right for us. Remember that feeling and avoid it going forward.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].