It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss moving on, dealing with a catty ex, and defining a relationship.
I’m torn. Should I try and make the long distance relationship happen? Should I fly out to see her as often as I can and spend time and money if she’s not even “committed” to me? Am I being defensive or unreasonable if I ask that she doesn’t spend all her free time with this random guy? Can I trust someone who can’t be away from me for extended periods of time? I love her so much, and I just want her to be as committed to me as she was when we were living together. — Lost My LDR
Your girlfriend has told you she doesn’t want a relationship with you and has even seemed to move on — whether romantically or platonically — with another man. Rather than embarrass yourself by telling her whom she can and can’t spend time with, and investing a lot of money into visiting a woman who isn’t committed to you, invest your energy in finding a woman in the area where you live — someone who is emotionally and physically available to you.
However, I can already see her cattiness being an issue. A big reason they broke up is because of her immaturity. Now she’s started posting inside jokes on his Facebook page or replies to any social media posting I do on his page in ways that make it clear she is trying to prove that she “was there first.” She has told him that she “insists on meeting me” next time I am in town. Again, I’m not threatened by this, but I don’t want to let her publicly get the best of me, and I don’t want to say anything that makes my boyfriend think that I am jealous of her. Any ideas? — Biting My Tongue
The only way she can “publicly get the best of you” is if you let her, and the only way you can let her is by engaging her. Instead, just ignore her and she’ll get bored eventually. As for meeting her, I say go out for a coffee with her and your boyfriend and show her that she may have “been there first,” but you are there now and you’re quite happy and not at all threatened by her.
May is a long way off. Since you’re happy and enjoying where things are — and you aren’t even sure what you want anyway — let things develop between you organically. If, around the holidays you’re still feeling unsure of whether you’re on the same page as far as your future, start discussions about what your boyfriend’s plans are post-graduation and how you fit into them.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org and be sure to follow me on Twitter.