Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Husband Flirted With Another Woman at His High School Reunion”

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Last Summer, my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) took me to his high school reunion. It was at a local bar and was actually a lot of fun. I enjoyed meeting everyone and hearing about his high school days. I was sure to give him his space so he could mingle and catch up with all his classmates. His best friend, Ted, and Ted’s girlfriend, Jane, were there (I had previously met them) and Jane and I chatted a lot and had a few drinks while the “boys” did their own thing.

There was a woman there who was high school friends with my husband. She was being extremely flirty — hugging on him, etc. (and when I say hugging, it wasn’t your typical “Oh, good to see you again” hug. It was a long, lingering, roaming hands type of hug). And he reciprocated. Before we left that night, she whispered in my ear: “You had better be good to him because he is a wonderful guy and doesn’t deserve to be hurt.” This woman was very loaded so I didn’t pay it much mind. She is married but chose to not bring her husband. She pretty much spent the evening flirting with everyone good-looking. My husband said they never dated or “did anything” in school, sexually speaking. They just hung out a lot.

So fast forward to this year — he has been invited to another reunion for the class who graduated a year before him. This same woman who was all over him sent him a private facebook message about the reunion coming up, asking him to go and telling him spouses or girlfriends are NOT invited. His response was: “That sounds even better.” WTF? Because we had some trust issues early in our relationship (a few years ago), he has given me passwords to his email, his Facebook, his phone account, etc. He says I can have these passwords, but he expects me to respect his privacy and not delve into his accounts.

I am learning to trust him again and I rarely ever look at his email. But I happened to look today and found that message from her. I don’t feel threatened by her, but I really did not like the way she was hanging all over him in front of me and with him doing nothing to stop her. So, my question is: do I say nothing and conveniently book us to be out of town that weekend? Or do I ask him about the comment he made to her? Or do I just let it go and hope he doesn’t go to the reunion? — Wary of the Class Flirt

Well, my first feeling is that you didn’t just happen to look through your husband’s Facebook messages. Even if you had trust issues several years ago, there must have been something that provoked you to snoop this week. Had your husband mentioned being invited to the second reunion before you snooped? And if so, did you have concerns about this specific woman? Was there another reason you thought to check your husband’s messages?

Obviously, this woman is not to be trusted around other women’s men. (Whether she has marital problems of her own, is simply a flirty drunk, or is looking for an affair, she doesn’t respect boundaries and that’s an issue). But that wouldn’t be such a big deal if your husband’s interaction with her were appropriate and respectful of you. It’s not. From reciprocating her lingering, hands-y hugs at the reunion last year to his enthusiasm over the (no-spouse) reunion this year, your husband isn’t behaving like someone who’s concerned about his wife’s trust, especially considering trust issues you’ve had in the past. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he has any interest at all in this woman or that you have anything to worry about. He may just be enjoying the attention. Maybe he likes feeling like an unencumbered teenager again.

But he’s not an unencumbered teenager and you need to remind him of that. Let him know that you didn’t like the way he behaved toward that woman at the reunion last year and you’ve been concerned about future interactions with her. Tell him you saw the Facebook messages and you weren’t happy with what you read. Tell him you feel very uncomfortable with him going to a party that you’ve been explicitly excluded from and where there will be a woman who can’t keep her hands off him and whom he has proven he doesn’t know how to handle in a way that shows respect for you, his wife whose trust he is trying to earn back.

If he decides to go to this reunion despite your protests and without calming any fears you may have, I’d take that as a clear sign that his devotion to keeping your trust is sliding. Does that mean you should MOA? No. But it does mean you should start counting the red flags and, when you get to three, re-evaluate the future of your marriage. It also means that some sessions with a marriage counselor may be in order to help you work on communication and building trust.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

184 comments… add one
  • avatar

    cdobbs July 22, 2013, 9:09 am

    ugh, that chick hanging all over the LW’s husband sounds like a real catch….Not!….can’t stand chicks like that who thinking nothing of disrespecting another woman like that….LW i would have been pissed to if my husband answered back to the message about leaving the spouses at home (not cool!)….if i was you i’d tell your husband that you got invited to a reunion and that you don’t want him to come with you because it’ll interfere with your flirting with the cute quarterback you had a crush on in highschool

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    • becboo84

      BecBoo84 July 22, 2013, 10:22 am

      This woman is not the LW’s primary problem though, not even remotely. The real issue is that her husband has reciprocated to a degree. Unfortunately, you can’t necessarily expect a person you don’t know to respect your marriage, but you should be able to expect that respect from your spouse.

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      • avatar

        cdobbs July 22, 2013, 11:12 am

        yeah, i do agree with you, i would be more angry with the husband than the woman

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray July 22, 2013, 11:51 am

      i wonder if the chick is Ramona, the pantless wino!

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      • avatar

        Boosker July 22, 2013, 11:59 am

        I miss her.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 22, 2013, 12:17 pm

        It’s funny to think there’s a Ramona out there with a huge fan base, and she doesn’t even know it.

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      • Brown-eyed NoVA Girl

        Brown-eyed NoVA Girl July 22, 2013, 12:59 pm

        that was the first thing I thought too!

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  • theattack

    theattack July 22, 2013, 9:14 am

    Confront him about it! If he changes the subject about why you were looking through his email, remind him that he gave you his passwords and then don’t engage in that any further. Saying that you violated his privacy in this scenario would be a great way to detract from the real issue at hand. Be prepared for that going into this conversation, but you can’t just let this slide.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark July 22, 2013, 9:24 am

    Snooping is such an attractive trait. By all means, confront him with what you’ve found immediately. Nothing turns a person on more than having their trust violated! And pathetic insecurity makes many a partner hot…

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    • avatar

      Taylor July 22, 2013, 9:57 am

      He gave her the passwords to regain trust…that’s a grey snooping area. Handsy woman + past issues + sketchy PMs aren’t pathetic insecurities.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph July 22, 2013, 11:43 am

        Completely agree with this being a grey area. Handing over his passwords as an effort to regain trust, now he has the reasonable expectation that she would look if she felt threatened, and she has the reasonable expectation that she can look without him getting angry that she snooped.
        Maybe this wouldn’t work for you as a method of restoring trust, but if it works for them then who are we to judge. Until he got untrustworthy again, but that is a problem in itself.

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      • avatar

        sassygirl July 22, 2013, 3:58 pm

        Thank you, Taylor. I am the LW. I do not feel that I was “snooping” because he gave me the right to look at his messages to prove himself to me. He knows me and he knows that I will look from time to time just to make sure things continue on the up and up.

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    • Lindsay

      Lindsay July 22, 2013, 10:02 am

      Clearly every woman’s top priority in life is to make sure her husband is properly turned on.

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    • avatar

      lemongrass July 22, 2013, 10:51 am

      Yup, the real issue in their marriage is how she looks. You say we are the shallow ones?

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 22, 2013, 11:00 am

        Lately, I am baffled by some of the responses to my posts. This one especially though seemed gender nuetral to me… I even deliberately used vague pronouns. My advice would be the exact same if a man had written in with this letter… I despise snooping and it is the biggest turn off to me ever… Those that do it ONLY succeed in driving their mates away…

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 22, 2013, 11:10 am

        Moreover, I said NOTHING about how she looks. WTF? I commented only on her actions — snooping. Which is profoundly unsexy and turns no one — male or female — on…

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      • avatar

        Christy July 22, 2013, 11:18 am

        See, I disagree. Nothing turns me on MORE than when my gf does some particularly good snooping. But only of someone else.

        Sometimes I turn MYSELF on with what a good stalker I am.

        (I kid, I kid. I think people are just playing into typical BGM tropes. I’m mostly just happy to see you in the morning.)

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay July 22, 2013, 11:54 am

        The implication, though, is that it’s more important to make sure her husband doesn’t find her annoying or she doesn’t drive him away than addressing her own concerns.

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      • avatar

        Amanda July 22, 2013, 11:55 am

        Mark, I agree with you completely. Snooping is NOT a method to employ when there are trust issues in a relationship. Instead, why didn’t the LW just talk to her husband about her concerns instead of violating his trust by snooping? Clearly, the LW and her husband never addressed the trust issues that they had prior to getting married, so they need to address them now.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 22, 2013, 11:58 am

        Hmm, I think I agree with this. First of all, if you were shady and knew your partner was reading your e-mails, you could just get a secret email, or delete everything. So easy. Second of all, it doesn’t mean any trust is added at all. It just means you still don’t trust them at all. I don’t know how to rebuild trust the right way, but having access to passwords certainly doesn’t seem to be the right way.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass July 22, 2013, 12:07 pm

        You missed my point completely. It’s not that snooping a great thing to do. Of course it’s not. But that isn’t the real issue here and neither is her turning her husband on.

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  • avatar

    oldie July 22, 2013, 9:25 am

    Seriously, I think you should MOA. This is at least the third time the guy has given you good reason not to trust him. You don’t have kids yet, so get out while you still can, without harming little ones.

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    • avatar

      oldie July 22, 2013, 9:30 am

      LW — btw, why did you marry a guy you didn’t trust. You say you had serious trust issues, then he resolved them by giving you his passwords, then you weren’t happy that he flirted back with this old classmate. Then, just months later you married the guy? Why? Clearly, you understand who he is and must have convinced yourself that was ok.

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    • avatar

      Bunnycsp July 22, 2013, 9:31 am

      Do you really think she should divorce her husband over a girl hugging him a year ago?

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 22, 2013, 9:35 am

        Seriously. If this proves to be a common view… No wonder straight people have proven to be so inept at marriage in recent decades…

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      • avatar

        oldie July 22, 2013, 10:39 am

        You amaze me. You profess not to believe in monogamy. This is a very young marriage, which should still be in the honeymoon period. She doesn’t trust him and has never trusted him, based on what she writes. He seems to not follow the etiquette of monogamy and we have no real knowledge to what extent he follows the substance. What exactly is worth saving here? It’s possible neither was ready for marriage and that both have a lot of work to do on themselves, but I don’t see at all a solid marriage here.

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      • avatar

        Violet July 22, 2013, 7:04 pm

        I agree, Oldie, this seems exhausting. To have to monitor your new spouse for any straying at all times would seriously damage any marriage bond, I would think. I believe LW could benefit from moving on, before any children are produced from this marriage. Why spend your life worrying about what he might do?

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      • Copa

        Copa July 22, 2013, 9:58 am

        I think IF she chooses to MOA, it won’t be because a girl hugged him over a year ago. I think the current issue is really a manifestation of longer-lived trust issues between the two of them, so if she chooses it’s time to MOA, it’ll be because of the larger issue, not a hug.

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      • avatar

        oldie July 22, 2013, 10:15 am

        Bingo. Marriages depend upon trust. Life is too short to stay married to a guy you just don’t trust. Whether or not he deserves to be trusted, and it doesn’t sound like he does, LW seems to have had continuous trust issues since well before they married. They’ve been married less than a year. Time for a do-over. A good marriage is forever. This doesn’t seem to be a good marriage. It is a serious mistake to try to make a forever marriage out of a bad marriage. Just cut your losses.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay July 22, 2013, 10:39 am

        Yes! Some people are able to regain trust after something happens, and some people aren’t. Many times that has to do with how the other partner handles themselves afterward and how seriously they take the fact that their partner doesn’t trust them. This guy doesn’t seem to particularly care that much whether she trusts him or not, but regardless, it sounds like she may not ever regain the ability to trust him.

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      • avatar

        Bunnycsp July 22, 2013, 11:08 am

        But this trust issue is all in her head. She does not have any real proof. I could easily explain that email exchange. Everyone lets that little voice in their head make things way bigger then they are. Eckhart Tolle calls it the Ego. She needs to speak to her husband but I wouldn’t throw away a marriage over an insecurity.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 22, 2013, 11:30 am

        I doubt you could come up with a good believable explanation to that facebook exchange. Not saying I would move on, but there really isn’t a lot of believable ways to explain that message.

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      • avatar

        Bunnycsp July 22, 2013, 2:11 pm

        See, I think you absolutely could. When you come in the middle of a conversation. Two things. One, they could be talking about a third person’s terrible spouse. Like we should all get together but no drunken messes like so and so. Or it could be like, “it is fun to catch up for old time sake but it is fun just old friends. I don’t think it means anything inappropriate.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 22, 2013, 2:15 pm

        That’s more than a stretch. She saw the only exchange: Her: No spouses. Him: Even better. How could you get to the point where that’s about anyone else? Fwiw, I could totally see telling my partner that I don’t think he should come bc he won’t enjoy it and I’ll have a better time catching up without having to entertain him, but that’s very different than me messaging some guy saying how great it’ll be that my partner isn’t coming.

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      • avatar

        Bunnycsp July 22, 2013, 2:19 pm

        But that is clearly the end of a conversation, not the beginning. The conversation could have started the year before depending on what happened that night. If it was me, I would ask questions of my spouse without assuming guilt but assuming innocence. She never said he cheated, so I think the “trust issues” are probably not that bad.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 22, 2013, 2:38 pm

        You would see that whole message conversation though. So if you just add that in after you were questioned about it, then it is not believable at all.

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      • avatar

        Bunnycsp July 22, 2013, 3:31 pm

        I am not sure I understand but I think I do. So lets say you delete the old thread then it is activated, you wouldn’t see the whole thing. I just think that old friends want to have dinner and not with awkward spouses. I will go out with my husband and his fraternity brothers. Their wives are nice but the guys are just reliving the glory days. So why not just do it the two of them. I would certainly ask my husband about this but I wouldn’t jump to illicit affair.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 22, 2013, 4:30 pm

        I guess I don’t understand something like that, because I’ve just learned to talk to the people around me even if I have never met them before. When I went to my wifes high-school reunion, I didn’t sit there with my hands in my pocket in the corner, I talked to her friends, and their spouses. Which I don’t really know whay I’m saying this, because it really has nothign to do with the way the messages was phrased. There is a huge difference between somebody saying “no spouse” and “no spouses ;o)” It clearly had a flirty sexual tone to it, and making up a story about not having your spouse not go, because they would be bored is kind of see through in that situation, especially since the last time she actually knew other people there, and talked to them the whole night, and was fine with it.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay July 22, 2013, 11:59 am

        Yeah, but people can explain away a lot of stuff. The idea that a person COULD explain something doesn’t make the explanation true and it doesn’t mean that you should just ignore it. I also don’t think she should end her marriage immediately, but she’s certainly not crazy for wondering why he’s flirting with someone over Facebook. And they apparently had trust issues in the past that were real, so why is it that odd to think that he might still be untrustworthy?

        It would be one thing to say that it may not be a big deal, but saying with certainty that it’s “all in her head” is really dismissive and is not really something that any of us can really be sure of.

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      • avatar

        Bunnycsp July 22, 2013, 2:15 pm

        But, all she has is an ambiguous email and her fear. Until she talks to him, all she has is what she has in her head and that is totally toxic. The longer you stew about something, the worse it gets. Have you ever had someone blow up at you over something weeks ago and not even know they were mad before that? It is internalizing a conflict that the other person doesn’t know they are in.

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      • Copa

        Copa July 22, 2013, 2:24 pm

        Even though her fear is based on an ambiguous email, I think it’s unfair to say this is all in her head since she alluded to past issues that were serious enough for him to give her access to his online accounts. If I had to guess, their past issues have to do with cheating or shady behavior with other women. She may be filling in the blanks here prematurely, but it sounds like there are issues that date back to before their marriage that are definitely NOT in her head. I wish we had more information on what caused the initial trust issues because I think that would change a lot of responses here (perhaps even my own).

        Regardless, I do think it was unwise for her to get married to someone before she knew with certainty that their trust issues were resolved.

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      • avatar

        Bunnycsp July 22, 2013, 2:28 pm

        Or the trust issue could have been going to a strip club or lying about where he was or that his dad cheated on his mom and he sided with his dad. it could be pretty light and he gave them to her because he has nothing to hide and still doesn’t.

        And the thing is, she is married. she can’t go back in time. So she needs to speak to her husband and deal with her relationship.

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      • avatar

        oldie July 22, 2013, 4:06 pm

        Yes, she can go back in time. A bad marriage can be undone and you can find a better SO. I know a ton of divorced people in very happy second marriages. Their first marriages were generally train wrecks. Their happiness was greatly increased by simply moving on. If a marriage seems wrong, I think it far better to get out early than to wait until there are kids. Bad marriages either end or their participants spend the better part of a life of dissatisfaction. I don’t take marriage lightly. I have been happily married for over 40 years, but in today’s world staying in a bad marriage because you ‘can’t go back in time’ is foolish. I can’t imagine being happy in a marriage in which trust is absent. No trust inevitably leads to a lack of emotional intimacy and that’s no fun at all.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay July 22, 2013, 2:27 pm

        Maybe I was misunderstanding what you meant by “all in her head.” Do you mean it’s just not been spoken out loud to him? Because I think that phrase usually means that someone is making something up and is not real.

        If you meant the former, then I agree with you.

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      • avatar

        Bunnycsp July 22, 2013, 3:54 pm

        I just think that she has very, very little information. until she talks to him, nothing is truth. It is all conjecture. my best friends from high school all meet and go to the shore once a year or every other year. We have a blast. no spouses. Now my group happens to be women, but my husband isn’t invited and wouldn’t want to be. He has a fraternity golf outing once a year and goes alone. It would be weird if I went. Sometimes you want to relive the glory days on your own.

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      • avatar

        oldie July 22, 2013, 4:00 pm

        And once she talks to him, she will just add his lies to her fears and the not-all-that-ambiguous e-mail exchange. Look — the guy knows that his overly-affectionate mutual hug with this woman really set off LW’s alarm bells after their prior trust issues, so this is not the sort of e-mail exchange to be having with this particular woman, it just isn’t, not if he cares at all about LW’s feelings and regaining her trust and saving his marriage.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. July 22, 2013, 12:14 pm

        How can you say it’s all in her head? That reminds me of the days when people said PMS was all in women’s heads. She witnessed this woman hanging all over her husband and him not handling it in a respectful manner. She read the Facebook exchange. That to me is tangible proof. She doesn’t specify what issue they had early in the relationship that caused the trust issue in the first place, but if the trust is broken, it’s broken and if the husband were serious about getting it back, he would not respond as he did. She has every right to feel insecure, given his past history. If he cared about his marriage, he would be bending over backwards to make her feel secure. The fact that he isn’t is very telling. They should definitely talk about it, but to say it’s all in her head is very dismissive.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph July 22, 2013, 12:31 pm

        Eh I don’t think the “hanging all over her husband” part couldn’t be explained away or exaggerated in her head. Certainly I have old friends who I haven’t seen in a long time that I might be overly affectionate towards, to the outside eye.
        The facebook exchange, on the other hand, I don’t see how that has a plausible explanation that isn’t cheating/intending to cheat. A woman says your wife isn’t invited to a social gathering she is inviting you to attend and you say “even better.” What other meaning could that possibly have?!

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. July 22, 2013, 1:00 pm

        I’m not saying that the hug in and of itself was bad. You can’t control what other people will do. But, he could have handled it better. He could have removed himself from the hug, and said something like, “Have you met my girlfriend?” Maybe this wouldn’t be required if the trust was there, but since it isn’t, it would have been nice.

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      • avatar

        Bunnycsp July 22, 2013, 2:32 pm

        But what if it was like, “we should get the original gang together, just us, to catch up.” Is that terrible? My high school friends get together without spouses. The spouses are just bored and don’t get the inside jokes and don’t think we are as funny as we think we are. The way I read this email was it wasn’t just the two of them but a big group.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay July 22, 2013, 3:07 pm

        But it wasn’t. Things people say have different tones, and the tone of that phrase is completely different. Of course, we don’t know who all was in the email, but based on what the LW said (like “private Facebook message”), I think it’s reasonable to think it was the two of them. I guess I’m not sure what about it implies that it had to be a group email?

        And getting together without spouses is different from barring spouses and then discussing with each other how glad you are the spouses aren’t coming.

        I get that your original posts were in response to someone who said she should MOA, but I don’t think most people are supporting that. I certainly am not, but on the other hand, I think that if we have to brainstorm all the possible things the messages could mean, then it definitely means that she has a reason to be suspicious.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. July 22, 2013, 3:25 pm

        “And getting together without spouses is different from barring spouses and then discussing with each other how glad you are the spouses aren’t coming.”

        This is it right here.

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      • avatar

        Bunnycsp July 22, 2013, 3:51 pm

        but he wrote “even better” that isn’t a discussion. If this was a conversation between two girls that were friends, would you feel the same?

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 22, 2013, 4:35 pm

        How would you feel if some girl that you never met was all over your SO, and then private messaged him that she would like to hangout with him again without you around, and then he got excited, and replied with “that sounds even better”

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      • avatar

        Bunnycsp July 22, 2013, 3:49 pm

        but my point is that they are saying “we” it could be just the two of them or lets reach out to 5 other people after this message and hang out just the crew. Or it could be both of them and just want to hang out just the two of them. They were friends that have never hooked up that just might want to catch up. But this exchange hasn’t produced any tangible plan. maybe it was one of those “we should hang out” and they never do. he hasn’t brought this up to her yet so how can he be condemned?

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay July 22, 2013, 5:10 pm

        Ha, well, I will concede to most your points now that I know more of the story. I guess I assumed that someone who wrote in would have bigger problems than all this?

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      • avatar

        sassygirl July 22, 2013, 4:09 pm

        I’m the LW…

        It is a group of people going to the reunion.

        I’m having fun reading all this. Some of the posts are kind of comical. When I’m done reading, I will try to fill you in a little more since some feel I was a bit vague.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. July 22, 2013, 3:19 pm

        If it was like that, then it should have been stated like that. As it is, it is highly suspicious. I would be upset if I were specifically excluded from something my husband was invited to. I could choose not to go, but the invitation should include me as well.

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      • avatar

        Bunnycsp July 22, 2013, 3:58 pm

        maybe I have been married for too long. I do this all the time. It happens more and more as people have kids. but everytime I make plans with my friends it is “with husbands or without”. Literally, it is every time I make plans. The reason why is the conversation and the group changes.

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      • avatar

        Bunnycsp July 22, 2013, 2:25 pm

        But she hasn’t approached him at all. She is stewing about it and taking two events that are a year apart from each other and drawing a line. He is chatting with someone and doesn’t know that she knows or is mad. So all of this drama has been internalized rather than expressed in communication to her husband. until she gets answers from him, he is equally innocent or guilty. She snooped then felt guilty about snooping so she is hiding it and all of these feelings are internalized and not expressed. If she wrote this letter and said “I approached him and he wouldn’t talk.” then it would be way different. These two events were 1 year apart. that just seems like a huge over reaction.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. July 22, 2013, 3:23 pm

        Not given his history. Until he re-establishes trust, she has every right to be suspicious. I agree they should talk, but personally, this would be red flag number three for me.

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      • avatar

        Bunnycsp July 22, 2013, 4:12 pm

        But it has been YEARS since he broke her trust. how long until he has paid his debt?

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      • avatar

        BreezyAM July 24, 2013, 4:17 pm

        maybe it’s just me but “no-spouse” events are dealbreakers in our house. Any event a spouse is specifically uninvited is an event we don’t need to be attending. My husband wanting to go would be more of a dealbreaker for me than actually cheating, ironically.

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      • avatar

        sassygirl July 22, 2013, 4:14 pm

        Um… I didn’t feel guilty in looking at his messages. And I’m not “stewing” over this. And I’m really not overreacting. I simply don’t want this woman hanging all over my hasband or better yet, I’d like my husband to take control of the situation and remove himself from her grip in a timely fashion. LOL…

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  • avatar

    Bunnycsp July 22, 2013, 9:37 am

    LW, I think you should talk to your husband but this can be easily be explained. So I went to my husband’s reunion and he had a blast and I got drunk in the corner with another spouse. I wish I hadn’t gone because everyone wants to catch up and talk about old times. It is weird when a spouse butts in with stories that people don’t care about. The married people keep trying to make their spouse comfortable and it is just weird. My mom is going to her 50th reunion alone in a few months because my dad would be bored. I think you should talk to your husband about how you are feeling in general but I think most of this problem is in your imagination.

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    • avatar

      BreezyAM July 24, 2013, 4:19 pm

      wow.
      I think you,re delusional if you think that’s why people want to go alone. HS reunions are hook up central. I was absolutely revolted at mine last weekend. Was disgusting. And the spouses were fine because we wanted to meet this new person in our friends’ lives and get to know them, not pretend we were barely 17 and barely dressed still.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 24, 2013, 4:22 pm

        Gonna go all the way tonight…

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle July 22, 2013, 9:38 am

    If he’s shared his passwords, then you have every right to make mention of what you saw. Preface it with ~why~ you felt the need to go into his Facebook (like Wendy said, it wasn’t just “randomly out of nowhere”), but don’t let your husband make the privacy invasion your topic of focus.

    Just say something like, “what’s the deal with this?” Because although I can kind of understand getting carried away at a reunion, maybe liking the attention, he should be grounded enough not to let this woman spill into his actual life. “No spouses allowed ;)” should have been his moment to sit back & reflect on *what* he was getting out of remaining in contact with her—but instead, he took it as a cue to say, “Even better.” That’s…not a good sign. And I have a feeling this is sort of a “tip of the iceberg” situation where the real problem lies within the prior trust issues you mention.

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    • avatar

      Christy July 22, 2013, 10:02 am

      Yeah. The “even better” is flirting back. And that flirting back might be problematic because it means he wants to cheat on you (not saying it’s likely, just possible), but it might just be problematic because you don’t like him flirting with others when you have trust issues.

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      • avatar

        oldie July 22, 2013, 10:42 am

        His e-mail back to this woman gives her ample grounds not to trust him. Hard to cast that in an innocent light.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 22, 2013, 10:50 am

        Yeah, that message is what tipped this into the “flirting with intent” category, for me. It’s one thing to have kind of a flirty banter with someone (what I like to call “sport flirting”), & it is completely another thing to disregard your spouse/partner during the exchange (which is what this LW’s husband did).

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      • avatar

        Christy July 22, 2013, 12:38 pm

        Yeah, I keep trying to figure out how it could still be sport flirting, and I keep failing. Maybe he’s just sport flirting even though he’s acting like it’s flirting with intent? Because he wants to see if she’ll make a pass at him?

        He *could* just be an idiot. One who flirts and doesn’t realize it’s not ok. Or how he’s projecting intention.

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      • avatar

        sassygirl July 22, 2013, 4:20 pm

        @ Fabelle: NOTHING happened to make me want to look at his account. I just do it every so often to make reassure myself that he’s being a good boy. LOL.

        This flirty woman is a friend of his. We live on the EAst Coast and she is way south. They speak or text or facebook every once in a while, but there ‘s no constant contact between them. Many women flirt with my husband because, well, he is very nice looking and has a really great body for his age. My husband has a flirty nature, which because I’ve communicated how much it bothers me, he has toned it down immensely. Just because he may get a little flirty with someone does NOT mean he’s going to cheat or even thinking of cheating. He tries to be sensitive to my adversion to him flirting. And if he does it in my presence, I gently let him know I don’t appreciate it.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 22, 2013, 4:45 pm

        Okay. But wasn’t he, then, NOT being a “good boy”? (You wrote in about the message, after all, so I have to assume his response to this woman bothered you, no?)

        And I understand flirty natures; I have one, so does my S/O. And I will say that the way you navigate a relationship—when one or both parties is kinda flirty by nature—looks different than this. It does not involve “trust issues”…it involves open communication. Which *do* you say you have? (“I’ve communicated how much it bothers me, he has toned it down immensely”, “He tries to be sensitive to my adversion to him flirting. And if he does it in my presence, I gently let him know I don’t appreciate it.”) Soooo, then, why not communicate with him about this? I’m genuinely curious. Did you write in literally to ask if you should simply book a trip for that weekend rather than have a dialogue with your husband?

        Anyway, you brought up cheating, & I wasn’t actually implying that he was about to cheat on you (necessarily…)—I just feel as though that “even better” comment blatantly disregards you as his loving partner, & instead writes you off as an inconvenience. ~You~ may not phrase or interpret it that way, exactly, but obviously you found the comment to be beyond the bounds of “a little flirty”, right?

        From the other comments you posted, I see you’re getting a bit defensive, & I would urge you not to be. It just seems as though perhaps there’s underlying issues in your marriage (& admitting that isn’t the same as saying, “oh, our marriage SUCKS”. You can be in a loving marriage & still need to work specific things out.)

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay July 22, 2013, 4:58 pm

        If you’re not worried about cheating and you’re happy with how he’s addressed the flirting issue, then I’m not completely sure what the problem is then? Your comments on here imply that we’re taking this too seriously, so I’m just wondering why exactly you wrote in if you don’t think it’s a big deal?

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  • avatar

    HmC July 22, 2013, 10:44 am

    Romy and Michele! That is my total guilty pleasure movie.

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  • avatar

    lemongrass July 22, 2013, 10:57 am

    I think you need to hightail it to marriage counselling now. Don’t wait for more issues to pop up. The dynamics of your marriage are way off from what is healthy and you would both benefit from a third party to guide you back to what are more healthy roles in a marriage. Make it an ultimatum if he refuses.

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    • avatar

      oldie July 22, 2013, 11:29 am

      It may be worth a try, but I think that often too much effort is made by an unhappy spouse to save a marriage that isn’t working and has never worked. She seems to be on that age-old awful progression. She was in a relationship that wasn’t working, where she just didn’t trust the guy. Since she was in the relationship and it was all she had, she wanted to preserve it. The guy needs to prove his loyalty and commitment to her. What better proof of commitment than marriage? Surely once he’s truly captured legally all will be well and his errant heart will be chained next to hers. Thus a bad relationship with no trust morphs into a bad marriage with no trust. Nothing has changed, but now there are legal ties and it is harder to simply walk away. What’s next. The normal progression in this sad saga is ‘a baby will bring us closer and tame his wandering ways’. Seldom ever works like that. You’ve just morphed a bad marriage with no trust into a bad marriage with the added strain of a baby who will be hurt by its parents’ divorce. Half of marriages end in divorce. Most of those were mistakes to begin with. Please recognize this before you decide to have a child.

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    • avatar

      sassygirl July 22, 2013, 4:27 pm

      Really, lemongrass? I know many people who have way more serious issues than we do. We actually have a very loving relationship and we are very much in love with each other. My husband was single for a long time and truly lived the single, bachelor life. It’s taken some getting used to for him to curb all his old behavior, but he’s doing it and we’re open in our communication about it. He’s come a long way and he totally desires to be the best husband he can be. Sometimes, he lacks the follow through in thinking about his actions. I’ve noticed this at times with decisions he’s made. He does things innocently but maybe someone takes it a different way.

      For example, he does photography. He did pictures at a wedding Saturday. I was there. One of the bridesmaids was a very large, but pretty girl. While he was trying to get pictures, she was “hiding” in the pictures. He would say things like, “Sweetheart, come on out here so everyone can see your pretty face.” He meant totally nothing by it. He’s just kind and was trying to boost her self esteem a bit. Anyway… the rest of the night, she was eyeing him like delicious candy on a stick. I actually thought it was funny. I mean… I was right there. She never said anything to him or did anything inappropriate, but we talked about it when we got home. He didn’t say it to her in a flirty way she just mistook it as such.

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      • theattack

        theattack July 22, 2013, 4:32 pm

        “Really, lemongrass? I know many people who have way more serious issues than we do.”

        Lemongrass didn’t say that your problems were the worst she’d ever heard of. She reads DW for crying out loud. Do you want advice or do you want to defend your flirty husband?

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      • katie

        katie July 22, 2013, 4:37 pm

        seriously- i guess we have another LW who just has such a special love, which we apparently missed in the letter outlining all the issues there are, but no worries- everything is great.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl July 22, 2013, 6:11 pm

        Another case of LW’s Remorse?

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 22, 2013, 4:37 pm

        Someone that needs to snoop because her husband caused trust issues and hugs inappropriately while sending flirty messages to other women should be, at the very minimum, in couples counseling. You don’t trust your husband. How is that not a great reason to go to counseling?!

        Again, wtf is the point of writing in for advice if you are only going to come back and say your relationship is wonderful and your husband is perfect.

        Finally, I guess its cool for your husband to say things to a fat girl (might as well use the word you wanted to!) but not an old classmate. Give me a break.

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      • katie

        katie July 22, 2013, 4:41 pm

        honestly, this LW should never have married this guy. she is just now learning to trust him again, but somehow still managed to marry him? thats ridiculous.

        thats all i thought about this letter so thats why i didnt post, but after all this defensiveness and ridiculous stories about fat women vs. other women… well, thats my opinion.

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      • avatar

        TheGirlinME July 23, 2013, 8:13 am

        HEY YOU GUYS!!! A LW telling us “We don’t understand all the details” – that was my pick in the DW game!! -DRINK!!! 😀

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      • avatar

        lemongrass July 22, 2013, 7:38 pm

        Really? Yes.

        Marriage counselling will help you see what is healthy behaviour in a marriage and help you get there. Hopefully you will see that you that there doesn’t need to be major life-changing events like cheating for a marriage to breakdown. Healthy marriages don’t have snooping. They don’t need checking to see if your husband is being a “good boy.” They don’t require advice on whether you should speak up about your expectations of behaviour. They don’t have crossing-the-lines flirting. They don’t need to defend themselves.

        I never said that you don’t love each other or could have a healthy marriage. You just need to work on it.

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  • avatar

    Amber July 22, 2013, 11:10 am

    Can I say how much it drives me nuts when people use ‘on’ in conjunction with hugging, kissing, etc?

    Kissing on him, hugging on him…..ughhhh *cringe*

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark July 22, 2013, 11:14 am

      Well, the English language is almost DOA as suddenly no one knows how to speak it properly… But, yes. That phrasing reflects the ongoing dumbing down of America… It irks me to no end.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ July 22, 2013, 11:44 am

        Language is an ever-evolving thing, it has no permanent state of proper/improper usage. Colloquialisms like “hugging on” represent not the death of a language, but the evolution of it.

        English is spoken with different rules and phrases and pronunciations in countries all over the world. It’s hardly dead – it’s alive and thriving.

        I say this all as a reformed grammar Nazi who called everyone out on every little mistake and tore my hair out over dumbing-down of language. I came to learn that grammar is not a law of the universe but a creation of man (and if you really want to get tetchy, a creation of the upper classes), and it’s changed countless times over the course of human speech and literacy and will continue to change. Stubbornly holding fast to a particular manifestation of the rules, and allowing for no variation to those rules, is contrary to everything we know about language.

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      • Copa

        Copa July 22, 2013, 11:53 am

        I was going to comment something similar to this, but didn’t want to bother because BGM would just find a way to tell me I’m wrong, haha. In any case, you said it better. 🙂

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      • KKZ

        KKZ July 22, 2013, 12:25 pm

        I couldn’t let it sit even though I know better than to argue with BGM’s strongly held opinions. Which is to say, all of them. 🙂

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      • avatar

        Christy July 22, 2013, 12:02 pm

        Samesies about being a reformed grammar stickler.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ July 22, 2013, 1:27 pm

        Holy wow, guys, 17 likes in about 2 hours? My most popular DW comment ever (not that I keep track…) is not even a piece of advice but a lecture on linguistics. Stick to what you know, I guess!

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 22, 2013, 9:12 pm

        17 people who are proud to go around sounding illiterate…

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      • KKZ

        KKZ July 24, 2013, 5:13 pm

        Using literacy as a criterion of a person’s character is just plain elitist. It’s no better than criticizing them for starving or wearing secondhand clothes.

        Illiteracy is a poverty, not a personal sin.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph July 22, 2013, 12:37 pm

      I’m traditionally a word-use stickler too, but sometimes I see things as an improvement on the language. (For example, I’m a huge fan of y’all.)

      In this case I see “hugging on” as describing a scenario in which one person is a willing, active party in the hug but the other is not. Which means I don’t think the LW used it correctly, unless she herself is mentally exaggerating her husband’s participation in the hug.

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  • avatar

    Joanna July 22, 2013, 11:19 am

    All I have to say is you reap what you sow.

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  • avatar

    bethany July 22, 2013, 11:32 am

    This is a tough one… The flirting at the reunion is one thing, but the sketchy FB convo is taking it a little too far. Then again, reading his messages isn’t cool either, even if he did give you his passwords.

    Overall, if sounds to me like there are serious trust issues in this relationship, on both sides. I don’t really have any good suggestions for you guys, other than to really think if this relationship is really what you want.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray July 22, 2013, 11:53 am

    “Because we had some trust issues early in our relationship (a few years ago), he has given me passwords to his email, his Facebook, his phone account, etc. He says I can have these passwords, but he expects me to respect his privacy and not delve into his accounts.” <— I feel like we need to know a whole lot about what happened a few years ago in order to best advise regarding this reunion issue. Spill it!

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest July 22, 2013, 11:56 am

      Good call. I mean, trust issues could be that he cheated with her mom or that he once emailed an ex to say hey and didn’t tell her about it.

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  • Lindsay

    Lindsay July 22, 2013, 12:21 pm

    So, I’m curious. Is the no-spouses rule from the reunion invite or specifically an instruction from the women? Because unless she’s planning it, then I assume he was invited and then her message was a “You should totally go!” kind of thing. Just wondering since the no-spouses statement was credited to the Facebook message specifically.

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    • avatar

      Taylor July 22, 2013, 12:32 pm

      Is a no-spouses rule a thing? For reunions or otherwise? I’d be a little weirded out by it for something like a reunion. My reunions have always been formal, super organized things though, which I haven’t gone to (because I am friends with the people I was interested in staying friends with from high-school).

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      • avatar

        Christy July 22, 2013, 12:40 pm

        My high school has no-spouse reunions. Just the alumnae. Which on one hand is good, because I wouldn’t be able to take a spouse anyway (thanks all girls Catholic high school). But on the other hand, I’d love to meet the husbands, and if people asked, I’d just say my wife was at home and shrug.

        Plus I want to meet the kids.

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      • Northern Mermaid

        Northern Mermaid July 22, 2013, 1:02 pm

        Same with the all girl’s high school! I’m friends with the people I want to keep in touch with from high school—so I’m not really worried about going to reunions.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary July 22, 2013, 12:45 pm

        My only reunion so far was really informal and at a bar (like not paid for at all, you bought your drinks). Hardly anyone brought SOs. I probably wouldn’t bring mine, I think it would be boring for them. My mom usually doesn’t go with my dad to his reunions.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl July 22, 2013, 12:56 pm

        My husband’s reunion in August spouses are invited to. Mine will be in May and it’s highly encouraged to bring spouses, children, heck even the dog. But my school is a little weird and hippie-dippie.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay July 22, 2013, 1:04 pm

        Mine was just announced, so they haven’t said, but I assume spouses will be allowed. It’s a community high school where most people graduated and got married and had babies immediately, so I’m sure they’re going to intend on everyone showing them off.

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    • avatar

      bethany July 22, 2013, 1:37 pm

      I didn’t go to my 5 or 10 year reunions, but I know ours was Date friendly. They were both held at bars, so not kid friendly.

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  • avatar

    Sue Jones July 22, 2013, 12:41 pm

    FWIW I NEVER bring my husband to my High School reunions, because he wouldn’t know anyone, and babysitting him would spoil my fun, and it is a long way away and plane tickets are expensive. He doesn’t really enjoy being “Mr. Sue Jones” as it turns out but likes to socialize with people has things in common with and knows already. To throw him into a room full of people that I have known almost my entire life with whom I want to do some serious catching up with, and with whom he has absolutely nothing in common would be a disaster. Luckily he trust me enough that it isn’t an issue. After 18 years, you figure out what works. There are always those who get embarrassingly drunk and flirty at these things… too bad LW has zero sense of humor and is the jealous type, and that LW’s husband perhaps has shown himself to be untrustworthy in the past. Hard to know if LW is unusually jealous and controlling, or if husband is really a cad.

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    • avatar

      sassygirl July 22, 2013, 4:31 pm

      No, Sue, I’m not jealous. Maybe slightly territorial. I don’t like other women honing in on my man.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson July 22, 2013, 5:27 pm

        Why? Because a guy that has some questionable unloyal behavior while in a relationship is such a great catch?

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed

        LadyinPurpleNotRed July 22, 2013, 5:30 pm

        Plus, if he is “your man,” nothing they do or say will convince him to do anything that would make him otherwise.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay July 22, 2013, 5:33 pm

        Same difference. Being territorial about a person is jealousy.

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl July 22, 2013, 12:47 pm

    Love that picture!!

    Stop snooping and book a nice little weekend get away for you two during the time the event is planned. Next time a woman is hanging on your husband, walk over and introduce yourself. Nip that shit in the butt.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest July 22, 2013, 12:54 pm

      Isn’t it saying something, though, that you have to book a vacation in order to keep your flirty husband away from other women? I mean, sure, it solves the problem, but still.

      I do like the idea of just introducing yourself though, rather than watching from afar.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl July 22, 2013, 1:36 pm

        IDK. I just think a weekend trip sounds fun. My real solution is to interrupt the lush.

        Funny story- GGuy and I where out with a bunch of people Saturday night and I was off talking to these two guys (one about when his wife got back from her research trip and the other I was convincing to drink water because he was super drunk). Anyways, GGuy shot me this look like “WTF are you doing” so I excused my self and went over to him. He was all jealous I was talking to other guys! The next morning he appologized and felt bad for acting so dumb. It was pretty funny.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 22, 2013, 5:36 pm

        aw, newlyweds. i mean, ugh, newlyweds. i really just mean oy vey. i actually can’t think of what the right response is. i’m not sure i think that’s cute. but i guess it’s cute that you two think it’s cute? i feel out of touch with what’s normal. so i guess nevermind.

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    • Northern Mermaid

      Northern Mermaid July 22, 2013, 1:04 pm

      Ok. your advice is good about introducing herself, and I haaaaaaate to be this girl, but the expression is “nip it in the bud,” like you do with plants to prevent them from growing.

      On the flip side, nipping shit in the butt is kind of funny, and totally what the LW should do.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl July 22, 2013, 1:08 pm

        That’s totes what I meant, she should pinch his butt! Haha.

        But yeah, spelling and language in general has never been my best subject 🙂

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      • Northern Mermaid

        Northern Mermaid July 22, 2013, 1:13 pm

        That’s the only expression I tend to correct. I am just not mature enough to hear someone say “nip it in the butt” and not giggle like little boy.

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  • avatar

    Boosker July 22, 2013, 12:04 pm

    Who has time to go to all of these reunions? I agree that the issue is not with the handsy woman but with your husband. If you book a trip out of town over the weekend of the reunion, that doesn’t change your husband’s character. You avoid one problematic situation but don’t address the actual problem–your husband has proven himself to be untrustworthy. Be direct. Be proactive. Marital counseling seems like a great way to lay the problem on the table and come up with solutions with a neutral third party. Your solutions–spouse approved snooping, avoidance–clearly aren’t working.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray July 22, 2013, 12:21 pm

      Plus, with Facebook, who wants to go?! I wanted to go just to see what everyone looked like, but then I already knew from FB so no need to go!

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay July 22, 2013, 12:30 pm

        People who want to get groped by former classmates…

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 22, 2013, 10:24 pm

        Ha! (Delayed, sorry)

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  • Miss MJ

    Miss MJ July 22, 2013, 1:29 pm

    Honestly, this relationship sounds exhausting. Who has the time or energy to deal with these kind of trust issues? Who is he talking to? Is he flirting? Is it just harmless flirting or is he trying to cheat? Who is he emailing, texting, messaging, whatever? How do I head off this next potential disaster? Do I tell him that I know what he did or play like I don’t? What. The. Hell.

    Frankly, I have never understood the point of someone giving you passwords to restore trust. That’s just silly and a false reassurance. You cannot prevent your spouse, partner or SO or anyone else from cheating on you by trying to monitor and control them 24/7. If they want to cheat, they will, and no amount of checking emails, messages, phone stalking or anything else will prevent it. There’s a reason it’s called “trust,” not “I trust you, but I have to verify everything you do.” I could never be with someone I don’t trust and I don’t really think any relationship based on checking up on your spouse, partner or SO is going to work out in the long run.

    My advice to the LW is that she either trusts her husband or she doesn’t. If she does, then she should consider his email back to this woman in poor taste, but know for sure that he’s not going to do anything inappropriate and she doesn’t need to worry about it. And if she doesn’t, then her problems are bigger than a high school reunion, and she need to get to a divorce attorney or a marriage counselor because checking up on her husband and confronting him with her suspicions isn’t going to do her relationship any favors, whether he gives her the passwords or not. It just creates a bad dynamic.

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    • Lindsay

      Lindsay July 22, 2013, 1:42 pm

      “That’s just silly and a false reassurance. You cannot prevent your spouse, partner or SO or anyone else from cheating on you by trying to monitor and control them 24/7. If they want to cheat, they will, and no amount of checking emails, messages, phone stalking or anything else will prevent it.”

      Yes. I also see it as a false reassurance, almost like a copout instead of actually getting to the root of the trust issues. The wronged partner can tell themselves that someone untrustworthy wouldn’t hand over their passwords and think they’re in “control,” where the other can appease their partner and could even use it as a cover for cheating (like someone mentioned above, what’s stopping him from having a secret email address or deleting messages while all the while claiming to the LW that “look, there’s nothing incriminating in my inbox!”).

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 22, 2013, 1:48 pm

        Yea, seriously. If I were this dude, you can be sure I’d have a secret email account, that would’ve been set up the day my partner forced me to give him all my passwords.

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      • avatar

        sassygirl July 22, 2013, 4:36 pm

        First of all, I never forced him to give me his passwords! It was his idea. He wanted to “show” me that he’s not doing anything that would cause me to not trust him.

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      • avatar

        oldie July 22, 2013, 3:53 pm

        Honestly, the root issue is generally that the SO enjoys treating and believe s/he can get away with it — either without being caught or with promises of change after being caught. ‘Get to the root’ seems to be an exercise that ends in blame the victim. People who cheat tend to be basically non-monogamous or people who enjoy the thrill of the hunt and the honeymoon period of a relationship a lot more than the more settled, more comfortable with each other, loving long-term relationship with less frequent emotional zings. Some people get off on what they see as illicit sex. At home, in a bed, with a committed SO — can’t get it up. Different partners, threat of getting caught, sneaking around — fireworks. I know there are exceptions, but most people who feel constrained by a committed relationship and cheat will cheat again — repeatedly. People who enjoy heavy-duty flirting will do so. Changing for a SO is not highly likely. The more normal approach is to become more furtive and pay more attention to not getting caught. The role of the SO is to be a not terribly exciting but stable home base, from which to conduct your adventuring. Getting to the root, counseling, etc. — what rate of success do these really have in getting a cheater to not cheat?

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      • avatar

        sassygirl July 22, 2013, 4:38 pm

        Well, you are very presumptuous Oldie!!!

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl July 22, 2013, 2:04 pm

      Handing over the passwords could be a step towards rebuilding the trust. Sure there could be secret accounts etc, but I know for me GGuy agreeing to hand over all his passwords was a step in him showing me he wanted to rebuild my trust. When trust has been broken sometimes you have to check up on things during the rebuilding process. I agree that if they truly want to cheat, they will no matter how many times you check their e-mail, but I disagree that having the passwords is trying to control them. It’s creating transparency and an facilitates an open-ness thats hard to explain. (Also, FWIW, I never did check his e-mail/facebook. his willingness to hand the info was enough for me.)

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 22, 2013, 2:12 pm

        Did you ask for it, or did he offer?

        What do you think of this comment…“I trust you, but I have to verify everything you do.” I feel like there’s a lot of truth in that. Also curious-would you be ok now if he changed them?

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl July 22, 2013, 3:27 pm

        I asked. It was one of my conditions post cheating. Re the quote, I didn’t trust him for that time period- which is why I wanted to verify it (but like I said never did look). It was part of the trust rebuilding. I don’t think you can trust someone and still have the need to track them. But I do think the password thing can be a step in rebuilding trust.

        I’m sure some of his passwords have changed, and that’s fine. If he was shady about not wanting me to see something it would annoy meant and maybe raise a flag, but overall I’m not über concerned about pw stuff anymore. But I do know a lot of them just from checking his email while he is driving and the like. (Same with him.)

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 22, 2013, 3:49 pm

        I do see the distinction bw only having the password access while rebuilding trust, rather than forever in order to trust. Anyway, thanks for answering!

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      • avatar

        sassygirl July 22, 2013, 4:42 pm

        It was HIS idea.

        I feel that to verify everything means the trust hasn’t been completely rebuilt yet. It is a process and I don’t think it’s one that goes real quickly. There has to be complete transparency between both people, who they’re talking to, where they’re going, etc. HE created this in our relationship and he knows it. So he feels like he needs to be open to me to show me that he’s going to do right.

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      • katie

        katie July 22, 2013, 4:44 pm

        soo… you did marry someone you didnt trust.

        why is that, exactly?

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 22, 2013, 4:49 pm

        Also, you haven’t told us what he did to cause the “trust issue” (which would help us in responding. Maybe? Plus, I’m curious.)

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 22, 2013, 4:50 pm

        Nevermind, just saw your post below…

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  • Miss MJ

    Miss MJ July 22, 2013, 4:43 pm

    Well, with the new information from the LW — that her husband gave her no reason to make her ask for the passwords, but she got them and checks his accounts just to “reassure herself he is being a good boy” I have to go with BGM’s assessment of this one. Frankly, this behavior reeks of insecurity, and this behavior – jealous, territorial, untrusting and constantly on the alert for a cheating incident when there has never been one – is terribly unattractive. And unhealthy for a relationship.

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    • Lindsay

      Lindsay July 22, 2013, 5:07 pm

      Yep. I was about to post the same thing. If the dude had cheated, it would be one thing, but this doesn’t warrant spying on him.

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    • avatar

      MMcG July 22, 2013, 10:56 pm

      A thumbs up is insufficient. High Five!

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark July 23, 2013, 12:20 am

      Hah! And so many of you doubted me… 😉

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    • avatar

      sassygirl July 23, 2013, 9:33 am

      First of all, I didn’t ASK for the passwords. This was a long, drawn out, 18 months of communication with this woman and lying to me about it because he knew it would upset me. He had sex with the woman a few times after we first met and it took her 18 months to tell me that. Read the update below. Yes, I feel that he cheated on me. That’s why we’re rebuilding trust.

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      • avatar

        sassygirl July 23, 2013, 9:34 am

        Sorry.. took HIM 18 months to tell me about it.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 23, 2013, 9:38 am

        How long did you date before getting married? Because a year and a half of him lying is a pretty long time, no? I can’t imagine someone lying to me for that long and then marrying them right after finding out.

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      • avatar

        oldie July 23, 2013, 12:18 pm

        I won’t say never again, but gotta hand you this one. Spot on! I think this woman gets off on having other women drool over the super sexy man she caught and can whip into place. She wrote in here to brag. I pity her husband.

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  • avatar

    sassygirl July 22, 2013, 4:48 pm

    Ok… everyone has indicated they need more information. So, here goes.

    Early in our relationship, a former girlfriend was texting him, flirting with him, etc… He asked her to stop contacting him, but did not take steps to block her from his phone or facebook. He was not interested in getting back with her at all, he was just trying to be her friend. I understand this because I too have “friends” whom I used to be in a relationship with. However, she couldn’t handle them just being friends. Before he proposed to me, it all came to a head and got a bit ugly. He played a part it what happened by allowing it to continue and not getting rude with the woman. He is genuinely a nice guy and she played on his kindness in a very manipulative way.

    I have his phone account password, and other passwords to make sure he’s not talking to HER. She stopped contacting him about a week after we announced our engagement.

    He’s not the kind of man that would set up another email account nor is he the type to get a second phone.

    I am learning to trust him more each day. And being able to see who he’s talking to helps me. Is that so wrong?

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    • LadyinPurpleNotRed

      LadyinPurpleNotRed July 22, 2013, 5:26 pm

      And so because she manipulated him, he lost your trust? Wow… way to prove bgm right about things!

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 23, 2013, 12:03 am

        Seriously… I am so laughing out loud right now… 😉

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed

        LadyinPurpleNotRed July 23, 2013, 12:05 am

        I mean to be fair, I’m often on your side for the LW…but for them to be so blatant that people can’t really argue with your conclusion? Rude! Takes all my fun away.

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    • avatar

      Sue Jones July 22, 2013, 5:30 pm

      It actually sounds like perhaps he is “too nice” to be rude and stand up for himself and to protect your relationship. It doesn’t sound like he seeks out these situations, is that right? If so, than perhaps YOU need to be the one to be a bitch to these women and to nip it in the bud. If he has a kind and passive personality, he does need to grow a spine, if communicating to these women is an issue. AND/ OR you need to be more assertive and contact these women directly. Something like “What is your intention in contacting/ hugging my husband” usually does the trick.

      My husband is such a sucker for needy people (he tends to collect “strays – people AND dogs), that I have had to, on more than one occasion, take on the bitch role to keep them from invading our space. Only on one occasion was it this flirty woman. I asked her what her intention was, she got flustered, and walked away. A bit of directness goes a long way.

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      • avatar

        sassygirl July 23, 2013, 9:18 am

        Sue, I actually DID take the bitch role and handled it. Of course, with his permission. And he was VERY glad I did so because she wasn’t getting the hint from him. He had told her a number of times to stop contacting him but she wouldn’t. Yes, he IS way too nice and doesn’t like to hurt other people’s feelings. And because they had dated for ten months a number of years ago, he didn’t want to hurt her. When I first met him, they had “hooked up” a couple of times and she thought they were in the process of getting back together. He hooked up with her a few more times after we met, but once we decided to be exclusive with one another, he stopped and told her he would remain her friend, but that’s it. She was constantly trying to get him to come to her house, etc… after she KNEW he was in a relationship and living with me. She was ruthless. She continued to contact him for about 18 months into our relationship, which is WAYYYYY too long! He should have nipped it immediately, blocked her number, de-friended her on facebook, etc… but it took him a little bit to get to that point. I felt it was very disrespectful to me and our relationship. And several times he lied to me about them having contact only to later find out they WERE. That’s where the trust issue came to be.

        At this point, his contact with other women is extremely minimal, even the flirty woman from the reunion. They communicate maybe 2-3 times a year. I’m not concerned that he’s going to cheat on me with her or anyone else. I truly don’t believe he would. I have warned him that his “being nice” is not customary these days and SOME women would mistake it for flirting. LIke I said before, he has toned it down immensely.

        The reuinion thing occured before we were married. Her “handsy” embrace was not reciprocated as in my husband being handsy with her. He just hugged her. But it was a bit too long for my liking. If the situation arises again, I will most definitely talk to him and tell him what I expect his response to be. And yes, as you mentioned, I can get verbal about it if it happens in front of me. I have no problem with that, because I’m not as “nice” as he is. LOL.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 23, 2013, 10:46 am

        This is all hilarious. I get why you are mad at your husband, but it kind of sucks that you put the blame all on the other women, and say his only fault is that he didn’t nip it early enough. 18 months isn’t just being too nice, it is actually liking the attention, and you either didn’t get the whole story, or aren’t telling us the whole story with the things he was doing with her.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 23, 2013, 10:48 am

        Right. As someone else said, all you have to do is stop responding. If you told someone not to contact you, and they still did, why would you continue to reply? Its so easy to just not reply. They will take the hint.

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed

        LadyinPurpleNotRed July 23, 2013, 10:49 am

        Plus he didn’t cheat on you. You weren’t exclusive when they did things.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 23, 2013, 9:44 am

        I can’t imagine playing gatekeeper to my husband for the rest of my life. Who has time for that? If my husband can’t manage his own friendship and/or “stalkers” on his own, I would think he’s not too bright.

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      • lemongrass

        lemongrass July 23, 2013, 11:09 am

        Ain’t nobody got time for that!

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 23, 2013, 11:10 am

        I love you.

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    • avatar

      oldie July 22, 2013, 5:30 pm

      You, lady, are a real piece of work and I wonder why you wrote in at all.

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      • avatar

        sassygirl July 23, 2013, 9:42 am

        Why, thank you!

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    • landygirl

      landygirl July 22, 2013, 5:40 pm

      I’m unclear about what the actual issue is anymore since every subsequent post you’ve made has been to defend his actions. Are you worried that the other woman would try and seduce him?

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    • avatar

      HmC July 22, 2013, 9:30 pm

      After my ex and I broke up, I kept calling him like a desperate freak because I missed him so much and thought we were meant to be (CRINGE). As soon as he got into a serious relationship he stopped responding to me. Hence no more communication. He didn’t even have to be an asshole. Cutting someone off really isn’t that hard, unless someone is a legit stalker which I think is more the exception than the rule. Someone who is “legitimately nice” would care more about their significant other’s feelings than some crazy person that’s allegedly semi-stalking them.

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  • Miss MJ

    Miss MJ July 22, 2013, 5:08 pm

    “I am learning to trust him more each day. And being able to see who he’s talking to helps me. Is that so wrong?”

    Yes, actually, because if it’s taken you at least a year, a proposal, and a wedding and you’re still not able to get over the fact that he didn’t handle a clingy ex or whatever well – but didn’t cheat on you – and believe that wants to be with you and only you based on his word alone, then your relationship has some serious trust issues. Not to mention that even though the old “other” woman is gone, now you’ve found another one in about a year’s time. This is going to be a pattern for the rest of your marriage. Women come on to your husband. Either he’s as innocent in all of this as you claim, which means you’re totally overreacting and holding him accountable for others’ behavior, or, he’s encouraging the attention, which is another problem. Either way, you guys have some issues that are only going to get worse because your coping mechanism — monitor him to make sure he’s “being good” isn’t really going to make him be “good.” It is only going to make him hide what he’s up to from you if he’s up to anything. (And, really, why do you think he’s the kind of guy who would talk to other women inappropriately behind your back and possibly get up to “no good” but you don’t think he’s capable of creating another email or facebook account you know nothing about?) And, if he isn’t up to anything, he’s going to get sick of you not trusting him.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle July 22, 2013, 6:08 pm

    Yeah. Allllll this. And also what landygirl said above—what was the actual issue, then? Does she really believe this is all just a surface problem of “what do I do about the reunion now?” Because, if so, eesh.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle July 22, 2013, 6:08 pm

      Supposed to be a reply to Miss MJ, oops.

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  • CatsMeow

    CatsMeow July 22, 2013, 9:31 pm

    It seems like it’s been a while since a LW got all defensive in the comments. This was textbook. And I thoroughly enjoyed it!

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    • LadyinPurpleNotRed

      LadyinPurpleNotRed July 22, 2013, 9:38 pm

      Oh for sure…the ridiculousness of it was certainly welcomed!

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray July 22, 2013, 10:26 pm

      Wait what? Where!?

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    • avatar

      sassygirl July 23, 2013, 9:38 am

      Glad I could bring some amusement to your day.

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  • avatar

    MMcG July 22, 2013, 10:54 pm

    REVISIONIST HISTORY XVII
    The letter writer strikes back

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl July 22, 2013, 11:46 pm

    LW, what response where you hoping for? You’ve received just about every reaction across the spectrum from theattack’s confront him to my intervene to lemongrass’s haul yo ass to counseling and you take issue with just about all of them. What did you expect is to say? And why did you marry a person you are still rebuilding trust with? No no no.

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    • avatar

      lemongrass July 23, 2013, 12:06 am

      haul yo ass to counseling. I love it. Can we make that a new thing? The next MOA… HYATC.

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  • avatar

    sassygirl July 23, 2013, 9:28 am

    This was my original question… “Do I say nothing and conveniently book us to be out of town that weekend? Or do I ask him about the comment he made to her? Or do I just let it go and hope he doesn’t go to the reunion?”

    A lot of people on here are very judgmental and it seems you guys get a kick out of bashing people.

    But I have my answer. Thank you to those who answered in a civil way.

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    • Lindsay

      Lindsay July 23, 2013, 9:36 am

      What’s the answer?

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      • avatar

        sassygirl July 23, 2013, 9:42 am

        First of all, I don’t feel he would go to the reunion without me. Secondly, whether I’m there or not, I will communicate with him how I feel his response should be to women hanging on him, being huggy, handsy, etc… and that it is disrespectful for him to reciprocate in any other way except what would be considered “appropriate.”

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 23, 2013, 9:44 am

        Why would you think he wouldn’t go without you? He already said he was looking forward to going because you won’t be there?

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      • call-me-hobo

        call-me-hobo July 23, 2013, 9:52 am

        Geeze, after all the LW’s comments, I think I’d be glad if she couldn’t attend a function with me, too.

        Maybe your husband is enjoying the attention from other women because you’ve been basically punishing him for your entire marriage for things he seems to have no control over (ex-gf contacting him).

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 23, 2013, 9:56 am

        So, so true.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest July 23, 2013, 9:40 am

      Its not worrisome to you that your options are 1. book vacations so your husband doesn’t act shady/cheat (is that your plan forever?); 2. just hope for the best; or 3. simply ask your husband about it?

      I mean, 3 should just be the obvious, easiest answer.

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    • katie

      katie July 23, 2013, 9:43 am

      the answer is that this single issue is just a symptom of another, much larger problem in your overall relationship- and if you dont address it, you are in for an unhappy marriage. the fact that you think this is literally just about this one reunion is so sad… you are missing the big picture here.

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    • theattack

      theattack July 23, 2013, 9:43 am

      Most people you took issue with weren’t bashing you. Suggesting that you two should go to marriage counseling isn’t bashing. It’s a suggestion that should help you with what you wrote in about. People aren’t being judgmental or mean. You’re just being sensitive, and you’re not ready to hear the answers to the questions you’ve asked.

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 July 23, 2013, 10:40 am

      It seems your husband should be writing in about you, and I guess I kind of don’t blame him anymore for wanting to be alone with this women. It sounds like you make way to big of a deal about everything ever, and you are pushing him into these sitautions.

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  • Alena

    Alena July 23, 2013, 9:41 pm

    Sooooo today I was getting annoyed because I’m realizing someone likes me and as nice as he is, I’m just not interested. I was thinking, “ugh, now I have to be tactful and figure out how to be friends and not be mean, but make it obvious that I’m not interested. single problems.” My relationship problems were always pretty simple to deal with, and less awkward, so this is new to me.

    But this right here basically makes me look forward to continue not being in relationships, because then I don’t have to potentially deal with looming craziness like this.

    Thanks sassygirl, you’re making the single life look better with each and every comment I read. I really needed this pick me up. Totally sincere.

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  • avatar

    Wilma Nelson August 12, 2013, 7:44 pm

    First problem. a reunion in a bar. Tacky. Second, a reunion with no spouses. Do you live in San Francisco? Geesh!

    I could give sage advice if I knew the ages of the participants. It could be real trouble but then again the fem fatale may have something like arthritis of the knee presenting range of motion limitations.

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