Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Husband Got Another Woman Pregnant”

stork

While I was away at Army Basic Training, my now-husband and I decided to get married. His family planned the wedding. We had not been dating before I left for basic training — we had broken up months before, but after I left, we got back together and that’s when we made the decision to marry. I was injured and got out of the military, and the day I got home I found out that, about two weeks before, my husband got drunk, had a one-night stand and got the woman pregnant. My husband’s family did the calculations of dates and said that the baby couldn’t possibly be his.

I thought I could handle the situation and I loved my husband enough to stand by his side, but now we are married and, as the due date approaches, I find myself hating this entire situation. This woman slashed my husband’s car tires after he told her he was engaged to be married, and she played games saying it’s not even his child–and then changed her mind again and said it was. She got married and now lives in another state with her husband. She asked my husband to give up the rights to being in this child’s life, but he was advised not to sign any type of document before he knew if this baby was, in fact, his.

I don’t want that baby in my life. I told my husband that, if that is his child, I want a divorce, and he told me that he would give up his rights to see the baby if it would make me stay. Now I feel horrible for saying I’d divorce him, but part of me still doesn’t want him to have this child. That child already has another father who is married to the mother. Why does my husband need to be involved? I need help. I don’t know what to think or what to do or what to say to my husband. — Married to Someone Else’s Baby Daddy

You need help, and you need more help than I — or anyone — can give you in a single advice column reply. It makes no sense to me that you agreed to marry someone whom you had been broken up with for several months while you were away, presumably in another state. It makes no sense that you wouldn’t wait until you got home and could date again — in person — for a while before deciding that your relationship was strong enough to commit to something as serious as marriage. It makes no sense that you let your husband’s family plan your whole wedding while you were away or that you still married someone who slept with someone else — after you got engaged! And it makes NO sense that even after that woman claimed to be pregnant with your now-husband’s baby — and, oh, if I could have a dollar for every “one-night-stand” that resulted in a pregnancy — you were like, “Eh, I can handle that.”

I mean, no SHIT you hate the situation you’re in. You’ve taken zero — ZERO! — agency or ownership in any decision that’s been made in this situation. You agreed to marry a man you didn’t have a relationship with. You let his family plan the wedding. You seemingly didn’t flinch when he told you that, “Oops, got drunk while you were away, screwed another woman, knocked her up!” And when you finally did find a freakin’ back bone and made some kind of decision in this mess and told your husband you would divorce him if the baby was his, you suddenly “felt bad” when he said he’d sign away his rights to this kid if it would make you stay.

Jesus H.

First thing that needs to happen: get a therapist. Second thing: insist on a paternity test. Third thing: decide whether you want to stay with a man who would cheat on you AFTER YOU AGREED TO GET MARRIED. I don’t care whether he’s the father or not — the fact that he could be means he cheated on you (and face it, it probably happened way more than once, and quite possibly with more than one woman). And it’s not like you had a great, strong relationship before he cheated that could help you weather this enormous challenge. You’d been broken up for months and only decided to “get back together” while you were far away and couldn’t actually see each other in person. That’s not the strong relationship foundation a couple needs to deal with a cheating situation. It’s not the strong relationship foundation a couple needs to deal with … ANYTHING.

Honestly, if I were you, I’d just get an annulment and chalk all this up to a bad mistake. It was a mistake to get married without any history of relationship success. It was a mistake to marry someone who cheated on you post-engagement. It was a mistake to believe you could handle your brand-new husband having a baby with someone else. And it was — and is — a mistake to base your future on the results of a paternity test like one answer is better than the other — like, if your husband can escape responsibility for this child, your relationship will succeed. That’s like saying your car won’t be damaged in a bad crash if your airbags deploy. No, maybe the people inside will be ok, but the car is still going to be damaged — probably even totaled. Your relationship is the car. You are the people inside it. Start making some good decisions — finally — and you can still be OK. But your relationship? Pretty totaled, if you ask me.

In other words: MOA.

***************

You can follow me on Facebook here and Twitter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

132 comments… add one
  • rosie posie

    rosie posie February 20, 2014, 9:07 am

    Best Wendy answer EVER!

    Reply Link
  • LlamaPajamas

    LlamaPajamas February 20, 2014, 9:11 am

    Holy crap. What made you want to marry him so quickly? WWS – an annulment seems like the best option.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    jottino February 20, 2014, 9:16 am

    Oooh annulment is probably a stellar idea. You might want to look into that while you’re stopping by the lawyer’s office. You probably need to ask a lawyer about at least the following:

    1. Paternity tests & parental rights
    2. Annulments & divorces (though how long did you date before you broke up & got married?)
    3. Restraining orders (Slashed tires? Do people still do that?)

    Does anyone else feel bad for the soon-to-be-born baby? Poor thing is like an object in all of this. The mother is using the baby as a bargaining chip. The husband is willing to give up all rights to said baby if the LW wants him to. The LW already hates the baby. It’s not even his/her fault that any of this happened, & it’s certainly not the baby’s fault that the (potential) father is irresponsible enough to have an unprotected one night stand with a crazy lady, then agree to never see the kid because of an ill-advised rushed wedding?

    Honestly, LW had better hope the baby isn’t his. Then LW *MIGHT* have a chance at figuring out if they can stay together. Maybe. I guess it depends on how long they were together in the first place (years? months? days? ugh.)

    PS: why does your husband’s family do everything? They planned the wedding — they even calculated the dates for you? You can’t do that yourself? They make online baby calculators for that. You need to figure out what YOU want to do. Make your own decisions! Ugh. I’m mad now lol.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      bethany February 20, 2014, 9:22 am

      I wouldn’t even bother asking about paternal rights. Get that shit annulled and get away from the entire situation.

      Reply Link
      • coconot

        coconot February 20, 2014, 11:49 am

        agreed. run and don’t look back. Get an STD test while you are at it! Sorry this happened 🙁

        Link
    • Monkeysmommy

      Monkeys mommy November 21, 2017, 2:28 pm

      The baby is the only one who deserves sympathy. And maybe baby mamas hubby. The LW is an idiot with poor judgement. The husband is a real idiot who can’t work a condom apparently. The baby mama is probably a loon if she is out slashing tires. Op, anull this mess and RUNNN.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    Marcie February 20, 2014, 9:20 am

    Of course, these things happen in the civilian world all the time. But getting married too quickly, cheating, etc happens a lot in the military world. This doesn’t mean that LW isn’t responsible at least a little bit for the way this has gone. I know that I would want to try to make my marriage work, but I’m not sure I could get over something like this. No matter if the kid is his or not, this is how your husband chose to start his marriage commitment to you. Cheating on you and not using protection. I hope the two of you can get through this if you decide to stay.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      MsMisery February 24, 2014, 1:05 pm

      It seems like any letter DW gets where one party involved is in the military, the Cray Cray factor is dialed way up over other letters.

      Reply Link
  • GatorGirl

    GatorGirl February 20, 2014, 9:24 am

    Yikes.

    Reply Link
  • mrmidtwenties

    mrmidtwenties February 20, 2014, 9:32 am

    wow, LW you need an annulment stat, then you need to go see a therapist and figure out why you put yourself in this situation.

    Reply Link
  • Lianne

    Lianne February 20, 2014, 9:34 am

    WWS times a million. This whole situation is a disaster. Do exactly what Wendy said, especially the therapist part. The decisions you made leading up to this brings your self-esteem and decision making skills into serious question. Also, not once in this letter do you talk about how you actually FEEL about your husband…do you even love him?

    Man, my biggest issue with my SO these days is that he snoozes too much in the AM. I am going to forgive him after reading about this hot ass mess.

    Reply Link
    • LlamaPajamas

      LlamaPajamas February 20, 2014, 9:38 am

      Seriously! My biggest issue with my SO right now is that he’s a slow decision maker. At least he’s not slowly deciding to sleep with other women.

      Reply Link
      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray February 20, 2014, 9:58 am

        Hi buddy!

        Link
  • avatar

    Kate February 20, 2014, 9:41 am

    I agree 100% with Wendy’s advice. However, before we get all horrified by the LW’s bad decisions, how many of us have been to Army boot camp? I think it does something to you that leads you to want to secure ties to whoever you have back home. Additionally, taking a step as serious as joining the military can lead two people who couldn’t make it work before, to think they can make it work now. For one thing, there’s now a secure job/source of income/guaranteed housing. For another, the person who enlisted has now shown him/herself to be responsible and accountable just by taking that step. It has a major impact on lot of things. Just something to think about, speaking from experience.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Kate February 20, 2014, 9:43 am

      Again, NOT condoning, just mentioning some possible factors at play here.

      Reply Link
    • Lianne

      Lianne February 20, 2014, 9:45 am

      I can absolutely see what you mean, but I think the odd part in this case is that she let his family do all the planning…it was more like she was along for the ride. I dunno…I think you can still make a commitment without getting married. In this case, they weren’t even together when she left for boot camp. It just smells a little off.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Kate February 20, 2014, 9:51 am

        Oh, it’s totally off. But I think boot camp can mess with your head. It’s supposed to! And if you’re not emotionally healthy to begin with, well…

        She probably let them plan it because she wasn’t going to be able to be around locally to do it herself (after boot camp she likely expected to be stationed somewhere else), and they’re controlling people, and she just went with it.

        Link
      • Lindsay

        Lindsay February 20, 2014, 10:02 am

        Yeah, I think the key is not being emotionally healthy to begin with. I get what you’re saying, but I think it can be said for a lot of emotionally exhausting experiences. I think we all experience something like that (illness, death of a loved one, etc.) that messes with your mind, but it all really comes down to the individual.

        I’m not arguing that we should all trash the LW for her decisions, but I don’t really see this as that much different as a person having issues after any other big stressor.

        Link
      • avatar

        Kate February 20, 2014, 10:06 am

        Agree, Lindsay. It’s a big mitigating circumstance like other traumatic events. What might make it a little unique is that boot camp is actually designed to break you down.

        Link
  • Lee

    Lee February 20, 2014, 9:41 am

    Wendy, that metaphor about the car crash/airbags is fantastic! I can think of so many times in my life where I’ve tried to explain that idea to a friend in a bad relationship. I am definitely going to steal it.

    Reply Link
  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray February 20, 2014, 9:55 am

    LW, it really does sound like you need a good therapist. I don’t say that snarkily (“snarkily” should be a word). Thinking about all you’ve been through – Army, injury (at war? what kind of injury?), dismissal from the military, getting cheated on, having to deal with his baby – any one of those things could push someone over the edge… It probably feels like to you you have no control – and it LOOKS like you have no control to us, or at least it looks like you are too afraid to take control. Just how you passively agreed to marry a guy from your past, let his family plan everything, etc. And even the cheating, you don’t really seem to be that shocked by it all. You’re just kind of getting dragged through life on others’ terms… Yes, that’s all enough to make anyone go nuts. Therapy really is the first step! I fucking love therapy.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    lets_be_honest February 20, 2014, 9:56 am

    Get an annulment and start over. Chalk this all up to a huge mistake on your part, go to therapy and don’t do this again.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      lets_be_honest February 20, 2014, 10:04 am

      Wow! I swear I didn’t read Wendy’s reply before I wrote this! Jinx

      Reply Link
      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray February 20, 2014, 10:11 am

        liar.

        Link
      • avatar

        lets_be_honest February 20, 2014, 11:21 am

        :p

        Link
      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow February 20, 2014, 11:51 am

        My first reaction, like Wendy’s, was “Jesus H!” Not lying!

        Link
  • avatar

    sarolabelle February 20, 2014, 10:06 am

    I’m sure Wendy is probably her own copy editor but that was VERY hard to read with all the run on sentences….I can only imagine what the original letter was like before it was edited. Yikes….Wendy, you have a hard job. Thanks for doing everything you do.

    LW, MOA….

    Reply Link
    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy February 20, 2014, 10:10 am

      My mom, a former English teacher, actually edits the site, but I wrote this column last minute and I don’t think she had a chance to see it before it was posted.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Christy February 20, 2014, 10:19 am

        I had no idea! That’s awesome and adorable, Wendy.

        Link
    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray February 20, 2014, 10:16 am

      i personally like run on sentences sometimes because sometimes they help the reader feel more connected to the writer by feeling the same level of excitement (or exhaustion or helplessness or whatever) that the writer was just feeling and that caused her to just ramble and ramble with the long run on sentence – you know what i mean? – because sometimes when a letter writer is overly passionate or stimulated about whatever, her thoughts will just spill out in long, run on, goofy sentences and it’s kind of fun as the reader to read them that way because it’s like, by having to read the long run on sentences, which is exhausting itself, we get to actually feel what the writer was feeling when she wrote it, you know what i mean? i’m just saying, just go with it. those are my deep thoughts about run on sentences.

      Reply Link
      • LlamaPajamas

        LlamaPajamas February 20, 2014, 11:17 am

        I wish there was a punctuation mark that’s more extreme than the exclamation mark. Like, the equivalent of 10 exclamation marks or 5 seconds of extremely happy fist pumping. That’s pretty much my constant level of excitement but nobody online knows this because I don’t want to be one of those people who actually use 10 exclamation marks after every sentence. I want you all to feel my llama excitement!!!!!

        Link
      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray February 20, 2014, 11:21 am

        You know, the fancy brackets don’t get much use. I’m talking about these: { { } }
        *
        Maybe we could get a thing started where the fancy bracket = ten exclamation marks? {Doesn’t that sound awesome?} <— see it's like I YELLED IT by using the fancy brackets.
        *
        Btw, (1) what is the proper name for “fancy brackets,” which is what I call them (though I don’t know why, I’ve never heard anyone refer to them before)? And (2) is there an officially correct way to use the fancy brackets? Maybe Wendy's English teacher mom knows.

        Link
      • Diablo

        Diablo February 20, 2014, 11:40 am

        These are brackets: [ ].
        These are braces: { }.
        These are parentheses: ( ).
        Oh, the years I’ve waited for someone to ask me, to give meaning to that English degree that seemed so important at the time…

        Link
      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray February 20, 2014, 11:41 am

        Braces? Really? Interesting. I have never heard anyone call them braces (or anything for that matter). So in what context would braces be required over brackets or parentheses?

        Link
      • Diablo

        Diablo February 20, 2014, 11:44 am

        If your teeth are coming in crooked. Badda-bing!

        Link
      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray February 20, 2014, 11:46 am

        you silly goose!

        Link
      • avatar

        MissDre February 20, 2014, 11:56 am

        In CSS coding we just call them curly brackets, which I thought was funny. I figured there would be some official name but nope! Got to school and even my web dev teacher just called them curly brackets!

        Link
      • LlamaPajamas

        LlamaPajamas February 20, 2014, 12:46 pm

        I use them to process references in RefMan. I hate them (and the whole citation process, really) so I don’t refer to them as anything. But I love the idea of using them to express extreme delight.

        {I want an alpaca so bad it hurts}

        Link
      • Diablo

        Diablo February 20, 2014, 11:43 am

        I can also tell you about umlauts, cedillae, tildes, and ellipses, but don’t ask me about that O with the slash through it. It’s not like I’ve got a PhD or anything.

        Link
      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray February 20, 2014, 11:53 am

        do tell!
        *
        but i already know about the french accents: aigu, grave, circumflex, cedilla, and tremma! when I was 13 or so i made up a cheer that you do with your arms and legs to make sure i NEVER forget which way the accent goes. The cheer goes like this:
        *
        “AIGU!” (and that’s when you stick your right arm pointing up diagonally – the way the aigu accent goes)
        *
        “GRAVE!” (and that’s when you throw your left arm up pointing diagonally, so now both arms are in the air),
        *
        “CIRCUMFLEX!” (and that’s when you bring your hands together over your head so it looks like a little up-side-down V over your head just like the circumflex accent),
        *
        “CEDILLA!” (that’s when you kick your right foot up to the side to make the little squiggly mark like the cedilla) and then
        *
        “TREMA!” (and you open the circumflex accent you still have over your head and hold your arms up like in the shape of a field goal and you make fists with your hands like the two dots that are the trema accent) and voila.
        *
        God that was exhausting. Hey, I’m not saying I was a good cheer-er but I have never ever forgotten which way the aigu and grave accent marks go so there!

        Link
      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray February 20, 2014, 6:52 pm

        man, i can’t believe no one liked my cheer. that is an amazing cheer.

        Link
      • avatar

        lets_be_honest February 20, 2014, 12:11 pm

        I get prideful when I can tell someone that … is called ellipsis.

        Link
      • Bubbles

        Bubbles February 20, 2014, 1:07 pm

        How do you spell Ellipsis? Dot, dot, dot.

        I guess it’s only funny at a law firm 😀

        Link
      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray February 20, 2014, 11:40 am

        can someone please please {please} tell me what the fancy brackets are called and if/when there is an appropriate time to use them over the regular brackets or parenthesis? it’s killing me. KILLING ME, I SAID! {EGAD}

        Link
      • avatar

        jlyfsh February 20, 2014, 11:42 am

        so my job requires the use of all those brackets, [], {}, and (). I get so tired of seeing them. i have no idea what their names are other than what we refer to them for their uses haha.

        Link
      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray February 20, 2014, 11:45 am

        ok so when in your job would you need to use [] v. () v. {}

        Link
      • avatar

        jlyfsh February 20, 2014, 11:51 am

        it’s really complicated but it designated different types of codes associated with data. so a [] would entail a certain code, while () and {} would alert you that it contained a different code. i would explain more but then your eyes would glaze over and you would stop reading.

        Link
      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray February 20, 2014, 11:54 am

        sorry what? i passed out.

        Link
      • coconot

        coconot February 20, 2014, 11:54 am

        to write computer programs! BTW we call the {}’s curly braces, but generically [] () {} could all be called parentheses/parens even though @diablo is right that () are the actual parens. It would drive me absolutely freaking nuts if people used one right curly brace to signify excitement, because I have an ocd thing about mismatching parens of any type, i.e. parens *MUST* come in pairs.

        Link
      • Diablo

        Diablo February 20, 2014, 12:05 pm

        I was only speaking of English (and maybe a bit of French, German and Norwegian). I don’t speak your diabolical robot language!

        Link
      • othy

        othy February 20, 2014, 1:01 pm

        But robot languages are the best. Especially the diabolical ones.

        Link
      • Diablo

        Diablo February 20, 2014, 1:09 pm

        Robot dances are also the best, especially the Robo-Boogie.

        Link
      • coconot

        coconot February 20, 2014, 11:54 am

        to write computer programs! BTW we call the {}’s curly braces, but generically [] () {} could all be called parentheses/parens even though @diablo is right that () are the actual parens. It would drive me absolutely freaking nuts if people used one right curly brace to signify excitement, because I have an ocd thing about mismatching parens of any type, i.e. parens *MUST* come in pairs.

        Link
      • avatar

        Lucy February 20, 2014, 12:53 pm

        Curly braces, I think.

        Link
      • avatar

        sarolabelle February 20, 2014, 11:19 am

        At least your run on sentence had proper punctuation….it must be the lawyer in you!

        Link
  • Lindsay

    Lindsay February 20, 2014, 10:09 am

    I’m not sure if an annulment will work, since the LW hasn’t gotten any new information since being married, it seems, but it’s worth a shot. Regardless, time to MOA. Chalk it up to a bad decision, but there’s no reason to stay in a marriage that you know is going to fail from the first minute. Or I suppose, that has technically already failed. Why be with someone who cheated and lies to you, and coerces you into marriage? Honestly, I would wonder if he was trying to marry you just to get the other lady to go away (otherwise, why would he want to get married so quickly?).

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Sailor February 20, 2014, 10:10 am

    Wow… Just wow.

    Reply Link
  • Nookie

    Nookie February 20, 2014, 10:11 am

    What I don’t get is the time-frame of all of this. So he might’ve knocked this girl up while the LW was away, then he got engaged to the LW. Then the baby mother got mad about him marrying the LW and slashed his tires, then got married to someone else and hasn’t had the baby yet?

    I know some people move fast but this seems a bit like rocket speed?

    Reply Link
  • lemongrass

    lemongrass February 20, 2014, 10:26 am

    Staying in this relationship is throwing good money after bad. You need to figure out why you put yourself in this situation.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    KMJ February 20, 2014, 10:35 am

    great answer by Wendy!

    Reply Link
  • AKchic_

    AKchic_ February 20, 2014, 10:45 am

    Sweetie, this is a shitstorm of a letter, and I feel for you, having been former military wife, and having a former barrack bunny of a sister.

    If the baby is his, it is very, very likely that he did NOT have a one-night stand with her and was using her as sexual comfort while you were gone. You need to be prepared for that. He will never admit this. Most men don’t/won’t.

    Depending on the state, if a woman is married, the husband automatically goes on the birth certificate unless paperwork is filled out to show that another man fathered the child. If everyone involved does NOT want your husband labeled as the father, allow the new husband to be put on the birth certificate. On the birth certificate = legal father. I’ve had to do this twice because I was still legally married while pregnant.

    Do not threaten divorce unless you are actually going to follow through. Personally, I would MOA from this situation all together as you both seem very young and you can do better than a cheating guy you broke up with prior to the marriage anyways. Too much drama. Many young military marriages don’t last, so it’s not like you’re not in good company. Find someone that respects you enough to not cheat on you and to be honest with you.

    Good luck, honey.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      spark February 20, 2014, 7:41 pm

      I agree. If the child is born into the marriage without the bio dad taking any action during the pregnancy, it’s very possible that he will have no rights to the child. I imagine he would have to establish himself as a “putative father” before the child is born, assert paternity, and financially support the mother.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    NerdyNikki February 20, 2014, 10:45 am

    So, forgetting the fact that LW’s husband’s family did all the wedding planning (which I do find strange), I have to say this line did not sit well with me:

    My husband’s family did the calculations of dates and said that the baby couldn’t possibly be his.

    What does the husband have to say about the timing? Seems fishy to me. I’m sorry, but I don’t think his family should be the voice of authority here…nor should the LW rely in any way on their “calculations”.

    This whole situation oozes with bad decisions. Sounds like the LW wanted her own “family” support — meaning a husband — while she was away in a new and stressful situation, and she was willing to fool herself into thinking this ill-conceived marriage was what she wanted/needed. Now, unfortunately, she’s living with the consequences of rushing into such a major decision.

    MOA before you get in any deeper, LW, and please get some help to figure out why you put yourself in this position in the first place.

    Reply Link
    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray February 20, 2014, 11:17 am

      oh good point about the “my husband’s family did the calculations…” comment. It’s just weird to me how much other people are just controlling everything. Her desire to want nothing to do with the baby was like the first feeling I noticed her mentioning — she seems numb and not too involved with all the other things that have happened.

      Reply Link
    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark February 20, 2014, 12:05 pm

      Does anybody here REALLY think the husband is even capable of solving such basic math problems?! No wonder his family had to step in. 😉

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    cdobbs February 20, 2014, 11:07 am

    wow….i feel bad for the baby….

    Reply Link
  • Diablo

    Diablo February 20, 2014, 11:21 am

    This reminds me of that old Billy Crystal-Dana Carvey bit on SNL, where the stock line was “I hate when that happens…” ‘You know when you get baloney stapled to your face? Yeah, I hate when that happens.” “You know when you get railroaded into a marriage with a guy you broke up with and he gets another woman pregnant while you’re defending your country? Yeah, i hate when that happens.”
    So, yeah, WWS. LW, YOU need to happen to your own life.

    Reply Link
  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson February 20, 2014, 11:30 am

    Gosh I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I actually feel kind of bad for this LW. Like clearly you made some poor decisions. However I can just imagine all these isolated (in your head isolated) things happening and thinking “okay, we can get through this” but then another thing happens, and then another thing happens, and you’re in the tornado of disaster and you can’t decide exactly WHICH incident makes it okay give up. Well you can give up. You could have given up after he proposed to you and then cheated on you. Or after you figured out that he knocked her up, or after you got married and realized you in fact could not deal with all of this.

    There are so many times it would have been okay to say that all this shit is too much. It’s okay now. Do it. Start your life over. Go to therapy and learn to take an active roll in your own life. It’ll be okay. All of this shit will just disappear and become shit that is not your problem. And that will be liberating. You don’t have to worry about this woman and her husband and your husband and paternity tests and possibly co-parenting, or worry about whether you could ever respect your husband after he abandons his child. None of that stuff will be your concern. And that will be neat.

    Reply Link
    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray February 20, 2014, 11:39 am

      such a softy these days. i like it.

      Reply Link
      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson February 20, 2014, 11:43 am

        I know, I’m going to lose all my street cred.

        Link
      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson February 20, 2014, 11:46 am

        LBH STOP THUMBING ME DOWN. I already apologized. Dick.

        Link
      • avatar

        lets_be_honest February 20, 2014, 12:06 pm

        hahahha, its not me!

        Link
    • Amanda

      Amanda February 20, 2014, 11:59 am

      Me too. She comes across as scared to me. Espeially the part about not knowing what to say, do, or think. Also, I don’t know how she got injured or how severe it was, but that can’t help this situation either.

      LW – go see a therapist. Lean on friends and family and take care of you.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    LW February 20, 2014, 11:43 am

    I think I left out something really important. It was two weeks before we got back together that he slept with this woman. In July before we started talking again. He didn’t cheat on me. That’s why I’m in such a pickle because technically he didn’t do anything wrong with me.

    Reply Link
    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson February 20, 2014, 11:45 am

      So when did she find out about the pregnancy? Still before they were married?

      Reply Link
    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow February 20, 2014, 11:58 am

      Yeah, so when did you find out she was pregnant?

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      lets_be_honest February 20, 2014, 12:07 pm

      Just because he “technically didn’t do anything wrong to you” doesn’t mean you have to stay with him! Really, it really really doesn’t. Its ok to just leave. Its ok to get an annulment.

      Reply Link
    • Cassie

      Cassie February 20, 2014, 8:11 pm

      Thanks for the clarification! That makes this situation slightly less horrible.

      Reply Link
  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark February 20, 2014, 11:43 am

    Wow. Just wow. It truly warms my heart to read yet another vivid example of just how seriously so many straight people take children, marriage and family. No wonder some think gays and lesbians are unworthy of such experiences. And truly — however can we possibly ever expect to compete with such dignity and such all around class? I mean — really? Who do we think we are.

    Reply Link
    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy February 20, 2014, 11:47 am

      Look, I 100% support marriage equality. I think it’s a travesty that marriage isn’t legal for gays and lesbians in every state and every nation. That said, there are A LOT more straight people in the world, so you are going to hear stories of their bad mistakes A LOT more of the time. Percentage-wise, I’ve heard about just as many shit-show gay relationships as straight ones, and if gay people could procreate, you better believe we’d be hearing some fucked up stories about unintended pregnancies and parents not taking their responsibilities very seriously. This whole “Straight people are crazy” schtick is tired. Yeah, there are plenty of crazy straight people. And there are plenty of crazy gay people, too. Let’s move on.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        MissDre February 20, 2014, 11:59 am

        Finally!

        Link
      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray February 20, 2014, 12:03 pm

        Amen, Wendy dahling

        Link
      • avatar

        lets_be_honest February 20, 2014, 12:09 pm

        I hate to bring my beloved David Tutera into this, but that was a hot mess example.
        Anyway, wws.

        Link
      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl February 20, 2014, 12:15 pm

        Amen.

        Link
  • avatar

    LW February 20, 2014, 11:55 am

    He didn’t cheat. When he had sex with that woman it was two weeks BEFORE we got engaged and he didn’t find out she was pregnant until 3 months later

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      lets_be_honest February 20, 2014, 12:04 pm

      You can keep coming up with a million reasons you can trick your mind into thinking its a good idea, or ok, to stick with this guy, OR you can just not and move on and improve your life. Imagine walking away from this pile of crap and living a normal, happy life.

      Reply Link
  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark February 20, 2014, 11:58 am

    You know what’s REALLY fucking tired, Wendy? That governments like those in the “great” state of Kansas even fucking exist. Examine that situation a little more closely and THEN get back to me on the unwavering class and intelligence of heterosexuals everywhere. Then review, the six states hoping to follow their glowing example. And then after that — please go take a look at Russia. Oh, and pretty much all of greater Africa (except for maybe South Africa, I guess.) Then embark on a rainbow tour of the mideast. Then…maybe then…you shall perhaps begin to understand why letters such as this simply set my hair on end.

    Reply Link
    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy February 20, 2014, 12:02 pm

      I don’t think I said anything about “unwavering class and intelligence of heterosexuals everywhere.” In fact, what I said was that there are some crazy straight people in the world. Many of whom make up crazy ass rules and regulations and laws the violate human right and grossly limit personal freedoms.

      Reply Link
      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark February 20, 2014, 12:12 pm

        EDIT: this was supposed to post under your itber post. My iphone puts things in odd places it seems. Butcthe pist that ended with: move on.

        Um, the fact that gay people are still rather routinely told by not just a few vocal straight people but entire governments that they remain unworthy of the sanctity of marriage and all its protections is the precise reason why some (like me) perhaps aren’t quite so quick to move on…

        Link
      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy February 20, 2014, 12:22 pm

        Ok, sure. Continue making sweeping generalizations about straight people and how fucking moronic and stupid we all are. That’s gay activism that is surely going to help win the fight.

        Link
      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark February 20, 2014, 6:12 pm

        Whatever. It was a fucking sarcastic comment and the fact that straight people who HOLD all the fucking cards are so thin skinned is at the end of the day, pretty amusing to me.

        Whatever. I expected more from this place. But then — clearly — my biggest problem is that I constantly expect far too much from everybody and most of the world is simply beyond disappointing.

        The larger point of my post was poking fun of the fact that ONLY argument conservatives have against gay marriage and gay rights is that their mutually agreed upon imaginary friend allegedly once had third parties set forth in a book that has been translated countless times that being gay is immoral — right along with eating shell fish. GASP! All of this seemed oddly relevant — especially on a day when anti-gay bills are presently being lobbied for in no less than six fucking states.

        Link
      • avatar

        Lucy February 20, 2014, 6:28 pm

        …none of which has anything to do with the commenters on this site (who are near-universally pro-marriage equality) or this LW (whose marital train wreck neither requested nor deserved to be turned into a political football).

        Link
      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark February 20, 2014, 6:31 pm

        You’re right. Lets NOT discuss world events but instead all gather around and give well meaning advice to a woman so completely and totally soulless she is hell bent on willing an unwanted child into non-existance in the eyes of its father simply because it is more convenient for her.

        Link
      • theattack

        theattack February 20, 2014, 6:38 pm

        You’re not so much discussing world events as you are pointing fingers at every straight person you see and blaming them for everything bad in the world. Most of us would love to discuss these issues as ALLIES, because believe it or not, most of us here are not part of the problem of oppressive homophobia. None of us want to participate in a conversation in which you just blindly bash us all. But please, if you would like a friendly discussion on gay rights, I’m sure it would be well-received.

        Link
      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark February 20, 2014, 6:54 pm

        Then START acting like allies. Stop electing these buffoons who are clearly winning by majorities. Stop going to churches that openly preach intolerance. More, stop being members of religions — like Catholic, Mormon, Baptist, Evengelical — that have repeatedly proven to be loud enemies of not only gays and lesbians but, frankly, all women, world over.

        Link
      • theattack

        theattack February 20, 2014, 7:07 pm

        Yeah, like I said, stop accusing individuals of participating in stuff that we’re not. I don’t do any of those things. Just because the people who do those things are mostly straight doesn’t mean all straight people do those things.

        Link
      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark February 20, 2014, 7:12 pm

        You very well may not. But plenty of people on here do all of those things, I suspect.

        Link
      • theattack

        theattack February 20, 2014, 10:07 pm

        But that’s my point, BGM. We’re not all the same. Don’t explode on everyone for something only some people do.

        Link
  • avatar

    LW February 20, 2014, 12:04 pm

    She told my husband about the pregnancy in late October. Yes, before we got married.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    LW February 20, 2014, 12:13 pm

    Time frame: he knocked her up in July. We got engaged in August (he still didn’t know about the pregnancy). I left the military late October which was when he found out. His family planned everything because I was at basic training so I could not plan anything myself and we wanted to get married in January. Also, they found out first about the pregnancy and they tried to calculate to see if it was his child or not. So when I found out they told me about that. We got married in January and the baby is due in May. I don’t want a divorce. I have known this guy since we were 8 years old. He was my first little boyfriend in elementary school. And we dated before but I wanted to go to my dream college and he wanted me to follow him where the army sent him and I said no. Later, I decided to join the army myself and forget about the school. That’s why we got back together. We had plans to get married before we broke up but since I was stuck on going to that school we obviously didn’t proceed with that.

    Reply Link
    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl February 20, 2014, 12:22 pm

      I personally would wait until the child is born, and then demand a paternity test. Go through legal channels if you need to. Once you know if the kid is your husband’s you can make a choice about the relationship. Right now I don’t see what else you can do.

      Reply Link
    • muchachaenlaventana

      muchachaenlaventana February 20, 2014, 12:32 pm

      Also there is a chance that “that baby” is your husband’s child, and could one day be a sibling to any children you have. If you really don’t want to get divorced you need to support your husband and stop acting like this pregnancy happened TO him, and take ownership of this situation.. (sidenote: people don’t just trip, fall, into a vagina and boom get someone pregnant. there are series of choices and actions that lead up to this outcome). Once the child is born a paternity test will put this all to bed. Speculating on “timelines” is ridiculous and won’t get you anywhere at this point (unless this girl is grossly off by like months or something). As to the part where you told your husband you will divorce him if the child is his, and he said you would give up paternity-not to be harsh but do you really want to be with a man so willing to relinquish any claim on HIS child. If you are determined to stay with him until May when the baby is born, you have to put this aside and get over it or else your relationship will never work (that goes for the future too). I kind of think you may have some doubts about the “one-night stand” part of their relationship, which yeah I would too so if it helps you to clear this up with your husband, maybe a therapy session (joint) where you can get it all out in the open would be good.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      Lucy February 20, 2014, 1:09 pm

      I think hating this situation is a pretty normal response on your part. The real question here is, what does your husband want when your attempts to control him are taken out of the picture? If he wants to fight for his parental rights and be involved in this baby’s life, and you don’t want to co-parent, even part time, his child with another woman, then you need to get an annulment or divorce. What you can’t do is manipulate him into giving up his parental rights just because you don’t want to be involved. First off, that’s evil. Second, he will resent you for it, and you will pay a huge price for it down the road.

      Personally, if it were my child and the mother sounded as unstable as the mother in your story does, I’d be fighting for al least joint custody, just to give the poor kid a chance at not growing up with a psycho at least 50% of the time. Your husband needs to be putting his child’s welfare first here.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      sarolabelle February 20, 2014, 4:25 pm

      If this is the case then this is a non-issue, LW. So the man had sex and now has a child. So what? Why are you so freaked out? It happens. Get used to the fact that your husband is a father (or will be).

      Reply Link
    • Cassie

      Cassie February 20, 2014, 8:36 pm

      I’m sorry, but if he was one half of the two parties that created this child, he has a responsibility to the child. It’s unfortunate that it has worked out this way, but this did after all happen before you even started talking to him again. It’s very selfish to put him in a position where he has to basically choose you or his baby. Granted, it could very well be that it’s not his kid. But if it is, he and the birth mother are the ones who have the decision about how involved he is in the child’s life, unless they mutually agree that he should have no part in it. You’re not like some idle passenger, but you also don’t get to make that decision for him. You say you don’t want to get a divorce, so I would suggest start communicating with your husband and listening to what his true thoughts are (and, not the ones he’s telling you due to the pressure of your threat to leave).

      Reply Link
  • muchachaenlaventana

    muchachaenlaventana February 20, 2014, 12:21 pm

    Look LW I have empathy for you but think this is a pretty clear MOA situation. There is not good outcome of this, I mean I guess you are hoping it is not your husband’s child, but will that magically make your relationship perfect? No, the fact remains he slept with someone and you were engaged 2 weeks later, regardless the foundation for the whole thing seems pretty shaky. I would really think hard about getting an annulment and moving on. Once you are done grieving the end of the relationship I guarantee the feelings of relief you experience will be absolute.

    Reply Link
  • Lyra

    Lyra February 20, 2014, 12:44 pm

    I really feel bad for the LW here. The tone of it makes me wonder if she’s struggling with some self esteem/depression issues. Just sad all around.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    DesiDad February 20, 2014, 12:45 pm

    Best relationship metaphor ever! Something this guy can easily relate to. 🙂

    Reply Link
  • theattack

    theattack February 20, 2014, 12:57 pm

    I don’t understand why you don’t want to get divorced. I would be ready with the papers the day his paternity test came back.

    So he didn’t cheat. Okay. Do you really want to be with a man who is so willing to give up rights to his child? Do you realize how shitty that is? Imagine a scenario where you have a child together, and then down the road you get divorced. Based on what you know about how he’s acting in this situation, do you think he’ll be an involved co-parent? Do you think he’ll pay you child support on time every month? Do you think he’ll ever visit your child? These things aren’t fun to think about, but they’re reality. If you don’t like those answers, at the minimum never have a child with him. He is showing you what his character is, and you should believe him.

    Second, you can’t just give up your parental rights in my state without someone else being willing to adopt the child. Maybe her husband is willing to do so knowing the child isn’t his, but if he’s not, your husband is at least on the hook for child support and is morally obligated to follow through with visitations. If you don’t like the idea of your marital funds being used that way, now’s the time to walk. If you don’t like the idea of being a STEP-MOTHER in a few months, now is the time to walk. If you can’t lovingly welcome a new baby into your home and lovingly guide and parent that child as she grows, it’s only fair to everyone involved for you to walk now.

    In any scenario, your husband needs to talk to a family lawyer about his options here. There are potential consequences to any action he takes right now, and he needs to be informed like yesterday. You need to seriously think this through yourself and perhaps consider talking to another attorney about a divorce.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      lets_be_honest February 20, 2014, 12:59 pm

      I’ll echo that you can’t (in my state) terminate parental rights even if both parents agree. Once you are on the birth certificate, you are obligated to financially support that child no matter what.

      Reply Link
      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl February 20, 2014, 1:22 pm

        Semi related, I know in some states if the parents aren’t married and/or the man isn’t present, the mom can not just list a man on the birth certificate. She would have to petition for it, do DNA testing etc. Bottom line is he should consult with a family lawyer.

        Link
      • theattack

        theattack February 20, 2014, 4:16 pm

        Yeah, I remember you saying that was the case for you a while back too. It can’t be an uncommon law because it really screws over children. In Tennessee it’s called “bastardizing” a child. haha

        I’m not 100% sure about it, but I think that the birth certificate thing isn’t enough in my state either. If I remember correctly, I think it’s pretty meaningless. Establishing paternity in court is where it’s at here. These things vary so much from state to state that an attorney is absolutely necessary for this LW’s husband.

        Link
      • avatar

        lets_be_honest February 20, 2014, 4:24 pm

        The reasoning is so that the child doesn’t become a ward of the state. So no matter how much money I have to support my kid, they will never say he’s not obligated to pay (even though he doesn’t) in case I need to go on welfare one day.
        Agreed on the last line for sure.

        Link
      • theattack

        theattack February 20, 2014, 4:26 pm

        Yeah, I’ve seen that a lot. It’s sometimes a confusing situation for desperate families with shitty fathers, but it definitely serves its purpose.

        Link
      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl February 20, 2014, 4:29 pm

        I wonder what kind of parental rights my birth father still technically has. Since I’m not a minor anymore it’s probably irrelevant, but he’s on my birth certificate (even though he wasn’t at the birth). Hmm, maybe I’ll look into that one day. Or not.

        Link
  • nolabelle

    NolaGrrl February 20, 2014, 3:35 pm

    Coming out of years-long lurking to respond. I totally understand the urge to marry due to impending military obligation. I did the same at a young age and paid for it. The benefits did not make up for the poor/rushed decision. However, it happens a ton in the military, and drama like this ensues due to the reward system of marriage benefits.

    LW, girl, life is not supposed to be filled with anger, dread, and sadness. You can have a happy, productive, drama free life, but it takes work. Use your veteran status to speak to an EAP provider. Get to a legal counselor AND a mental health counselor. Shop around because I found that many of the military’s counselors were awful and made things worse.

    You need to get away from that dude. Demanding that he revoke his parental rights is overstepping your boundaries. Perhaps he wants to be a father? Just because the kid is living proof (or will be soon) of an infidelity, doesn’t mean you can push it away. IT’S NOT YOUR PLACE TO ASK.

    You both rushed into marriage, and need to at the very least take a break and get through the anger and frustration. Do you for awhile and go from there. Protect yourself legally with a separation (if it’s allowed in your state).

    You got this, ladybug. Pull yourself out of the pit of drama and rage. Be the strong woman who made it through boot camp!

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Anonymous February 20, 2014, 4:07 pm

    My thing is that in my state if a child is born In a marriage, the husband is legally the father no questions asked. The child would have a home with mother and father present. If he decides to keep the rights to the baby, he couldn’t do 50% custody because the mother moved to a different Army base. I was angry when told him I’d want a divorce if he was going to be involved and it was wrong of me so I have to clear that up with him.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      lets_be_honest February 20, 2014, 4:17 pm

      Do you hear yourself? You are talking about a human being that is about to be born. Your idea is to just wish its existence away? Trick it into thinking its father is someone else? Wtf. I really hope that you never consider having a child with this man. They aren’t disposable and you can’t wish them away. You can’t pretend its ok because your husband would have to travel to see him, so why bother even being his father.

      Reply Link
    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl February 20, 2014, 4:24 pm

      Wait are you the LW? Or the person that comments are “anonymous”. Either way, in this letter the man isn’t married to the woman pregnant, so that rule is irrelevant. Also if paternity is established, he can absolutely have a say in where the mother moves the kid by filing petitions etc.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Lucy February 20, 2014, 4:37 pm

        I think it is the LW. And the mother married a different man and has already moved away, so by default the other woman’s husband will be listed as the father on the birth certificate.

        Link
    • avatar

      Lucy February 20, 2014, 4:26 pm

      I don’t really understand this comment. Actually, I guess I don’t really understand what you’re asking for advice on at this point. If you’re trying to get the commenters to agree that it’s OK for you to demand that he forego any involvement in his child’s life, you’re never going to get that.

      Reply Link
      • theattack

        theattack February 20, 2014, 4:27 pm

        Very true. She’s saying she doesn’t want a divorce anymore. In that case, I don’t know what she’s looking for.

        Link
  • avatar

    Anonymous February 20, 2014, 4:56 pm

    Yes I am the LW. And no that’s not what I want. I don’t want anybody to agree to something that isn’t right. I decided I don’t want a divorce after reading the comments and advice from other people. I got married to stay married. I am not going to deprive my husband of his right to see his child and be a part of his life. And I don’t agree that it is messed up to leave the child to it’s “legal” father. I know too many people that have been adopted and didn’t know it and they are fine. But I do see your point. By the way, the mother is married to a different man that is obviously not my husband. He married her after knowing about the pregnancy and she was the one that wanted my husband to sign papers to give up his rights of the child to the woman’s husband.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      lets_be_honest February 20, 2014, 5:04 pm

      And I don’t agree that it is messed up to leave the child to it’s “legal” father.

      Well, I think you are delusional then. But that’s just me.
      Putting legal in quotes to prove that your husband’s child belongs to someone else makes me think you are a terrible and gross person about this issue.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        lets_be_honest February 20, 2014, 5:35 pm

        After reading Lucy’s comment below, just want to clarify I say this under the presumption you are forcing this issue, and that your husband may very well want to be part of this kid’s life.

        Link
    • avatar

      rachel February 20, 2014, 5:13 pm

      What does your husband want? How does he feel about just ignoring that he has a child in this world? You talk about him saying he will give up this child for you, but it’s not your decision to make. I understand that there are plenty of times where someone raises a child who is not their biological father, but that doesn’t mean it’s always the right choice.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      Lucy February 20, 2014, 5:24 pm

      If your husband genuinely doesn’t want to be involved in raising his child, and the mother and her husband want to raise it on their own without his involvement/support, then IMO that doesn’t qualify as messed up. To me, it’s exactly the same as a woman putting her baby up for adoption after an unintended pregnancy. I very much doubt so many commenters would declare a woman in that situation “messed up” for not wanting to raise her own child.

      But if you are coercing him into giving up his parental rights by threatening to divorce him, then that is very definitely messed up. So don’t do that. And frankly it concerns me that this child’s mother sounds unstable. If the child turns out to have been neglected and/or abused after your husband leaves it up to this woman and her husband to be parents, he might not be able to forgive himself.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    spark February 20, 2014, 8:32 pm

    Please don’t use the word “Jesus” as a swear word, people. It’s offensive to a lot of people. I’m not religious, but it bothers me, so I can only imagine how it affects others. For some reason, people seem to mock or minimize Christian religious-ness but would never say anything offensive toward Islam or Judaism or other religion.

    I’m not trying to be one of those hyper-sensitive types that finds offense in anything–really. It’s just that I’ve noticed it a bit on this site (which I love, love, love, and read daily)!

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Lucy February 20, 2014, 8:53 pm

      Nice threadjack. Sorry, but no. You get to decide how you talk; you don’t get to decide how other people talk. If you don’t like how someone talks, you don’t have to listen. Hopefully no one has a gun to your head forcing you to read this site with its terribly offensive language. If they do, let us know and we’ll call 911 for you.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      bethany February 21, 2014, 9:01 am

      People take offense to shit, ass, fuck and damn, too. But I’m not going to stop saying them.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    Anonymous February 21, 2014, 2:19 am

    I don’t want to Make him do anything. It’s His child and if he decides he doesn’t want to sign those papers that’s between him and the mother of the child. I agree with the adoption example. I just don’t see why people make me sound like such a monster. That child would have a stable home with married parents, a mother and father under the same roof. Why is that so horrible? If my husband decides to be in this child’s life, that’s his choice. But from experience we both know how that turns out. We live in separate states and my husband And the woman and her husband are all in the military so this visitation fairy tale some of you are thinking about surely wouldn’t work. So now that child Knows who the biological father is but can’t see him anyway. But I’m a monster for thinking that way.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Amy August 13, 2014, 8:03 am

    Run as fast as you can, and never look back! Unless you are in therapy, and analyzing the situation, in order to learn from your past and move forward. Otherwise, life is way too short to be with the wrong person. Good luck!

    Reply Link

Leave a Comment